The Venture Bros (2003) s04e04 Episode Script

Return to Malice

Are you drunk? The records clearly state that Champ is older.
Older sea monster means a hardier breeding stock! Who has ever even heard of Champ? The Loch Ness monster is a celebrity! He could totally kick Champ's ass.
Champ is a picture of a log.
Nessie is a toy submarine with a head made out of plastic wood.
Ogopogo is a plesiosaur -- a fucking plesiosaur.
- Oh, we are screwed.
- What? - Nice job.
- Who is this guy? You're gonna tell me a log, or at best, a beaver could kick the ass of a plesiosaur? Seriously, what is he? Like, a cryptozoologist? Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Or is he Scully and Moulder's kid? Ogopogo.
Well, uh, of course.
I mean, it's no contest.
Plesiosaur! Well, uh, case closed then.
What was that? That was 21.
The 21! It's not even his number anymore.
I mean, the guys is, like, henchman 1 or something, but he won't change his number! Why didn't you tell me that was two-ton 21? That guy's, like, a living legend! Man! I'm so glad I didn't mention the car accident.
Car accident? Car accident? That was no car accident.
in a car intentional.
What's your number, scrub? I-I-I-I'm henchman 86.
You're 87 now! Listen up, noobs! I want henchmen 87 through 95 for field duty! You got 15 minutes to put on your makeup and fix your hair! What are you smiling about? - I have allergies.
- What? Who cares? Dude, I was henchman 87.
You just got me moved up to 86.
Now I don't have to rake leaves all week.
I have allergies.
What are you complaining about? with Venture into the slickest operation in organized villainy.
I know, but I'm worried about him.
Worry about me! I have an interview with Modern Enemy Monthly, and I have this huge zit growing on the side of my nose! You can't see it.
That's because it hasn't bloomed.
God, I can feel it pressing its way out.
Oooh, it will surface.
And it will be a whopper! Aside from your pending blemish, I'm not worried about you.
only friend and -- What? Who? Really? Seriously? They were inseparable.
That? Oh, stop it.
He's seen hundreds of henchmen die.
He's personally killed some.
He's fine.
Do you even know what he's done? Yes, built us a mud room, turned my henchmen into a crack team of winged killers, alphabetized my DVD collection, put little lasers on my wrist shooters hired this guy.
Confit of duck served with a raspberry balsamic vinaigrette on a bed of rocket and sunchoke.
See! Rocket and sunchoke.
Sweetie, do you even know what that is? - Not a clue.
- Neither do I! And that is fancy! I wish that was all he was doing.
No, it wasn't my pool.
That's not the point.
She was, like, hanging on my shoulders, and I could feel her big chest bumps against my back.
She was totally into me -- what? No, she was a strong swimmer! I'm telling you, she wasn't drowning she was into me! It was a one piece with a racing stripe down the side.
That's ridiculous! Why would that mean she was sloppy! Didn't have a detachable skirt.
It was a regular bathing suit.
Please! That's it? Come on, I still talk to my friend's corpse.
That's a stuffed cat! It's different.
I mean, it's about as creepy, but it's different.
Mostly Mittens was my best friend! That cat could fetch a rubber band! He'd bring it back every time! It's the same kinda thing, it's just -- what are you doing? They didn't have dinner yet.
If you feed them table scraps, they'll just keep doing it! Get out! Now! Go! All right, Sam.
It's all good.
I'm more concerned about those rotten little things than I am henchman 21.
I'm just worried he's gonna do something crazy.
He's a model hench-- Man, oh man! Rocket and sunchoke tastes like burning soap! The training is complete.
The timing is right.
It's time I let you in on "The Lazarus Project.
" No, does it sound like I was gonna bring you back from the dead? Okay, whatever.
I just thought it sounded cool.
I also have "Avenging Angels," "Dragon Thunder Undertaking," and, my second choice: "Eye for an I.
" The second "eye" is the letter I.
It's pretty cool.
I also have a logo for it.
Sweet, I like that one, too.
I have a list of your possible murderers.
We shall apprehend, interrogate, and if need be, execute each suspect.
I am totally being serious.
"An Eye for an I" begins tonight! And it begins with the Venture family.
Snap! That was your neck, Hank.
I just broke your neck.
Now I'm gonna take your skin off and wear it to the ding dong prom! I knew it was you.
What is going on? Well, good morning, Mr.
Sleepy Kill Me! I just murdered your brother and had enough time to rip his leg off and beat you with it.
You boys gotta get with the program! I knew it was you! And you were so lucky I did, because I was about to-- That is horse poop! Look, I don't wanna fake dismember you boys every night, but you have to realize that you are just more fragile than you're accustomed to.
All right, fine.
But in the future, could you warn us before you do that? In the future, the lazy eloi will be living above ground.
But underground, there will be cave monsters that use the above ground people for food.
Dean, they eat them.
Now I know what happened to my copy of The Time Machine.
See, I didn't take it! I expect an apology.
And also, I want a dollar.
Emotional damage.
This is ridiculous.
I'm going back to sleep! Yes, it is! It's ridiculous that you two can't hit the panic room button when someone tries to kill you! Brock never had problems protecting us.
Low blow, Hank.
Umm, Dean? What? Which book comes after Mystery of the Burning Island? Giant Boy Detective and the Secret of the Disappearing Pyramid.
Okay, I'm, uh I'm just gonna borrow that.
And this little piggy went "wee wee wee" all the way home.
Wait, another little piggy.
What does this piggy do? Hardly a little piggy.
Well, he already did all his shopping.
So there is no need for him to go to market.
And there's no way he's gonna go "wee wee wee-- I didn't think you'd let me do that the first time.
I'm not gonna push it.
Well, what if I find a nice place for the piggy? I have some ideas.
Honey, your face! Sweety -- ugh! It's disgusting! That bad? I told you that zit was ready to bloom.
I'm gonna go hit this with some tweezers.
Don't get dressed! If that's a zit, I'm gonna call Guiness.
That's a world record.
This is something way worse.
Aaah! Motherfucker! What is that? Eat it! Too fast for ya.
One is mint in box.
The other is out of stock.
Copy that.
I'll handle it.
Dean? Hey, dude! Sleep heavy enough? Aaahh! Oh, gross! The kid's packing wood.
Do you require backup? Over.
No, no, not that kind of "packing wood.
" Seriously.
And trust me, nobody else needs to see this.
It's rank.
All right, let's move.
Ow! Goddamn coffee table! Motherfucker! Come on, let me see! My face is massive! I'm a freak! Can I come in if I have a ticket? I promise not to bang on your cage.
Yes, please make light of this.
It's helping.
I feel much better about my hideous deformity.
Should we change our costume theme, sweetie? Maybe you could be Glob Face, and I could be Lady Glob Face.
Maybe we'll get a Globmobile and Globbo the Wonder Dog.
Why are you not helping me? Well, what do you want me to do? Clearly, you're allergic to whatever rocket is.
Or whatever sunchoke is.
Maybe a fortress of Globitude? I'm going back in the bathroom.
Get up! Emergency! Our home has been violated! What time is it? Go time! I was downstairs sitting in front of the computer masturbating, and then zip! This is sticking out of my neck, my clothes are gone, and the boys are missing! Oh my God! Don't you worry! We'll get 'em back.
I mean, oh my God, you just told me you were masturbating in front of the computer.
Oh, what -- and you don't? Well, yeah.
But I'm not proud of it.
Look, you can talk about your needless shame later.
We have to rescue your sons! Fine.
Well, that's a Monarch dart, so we get them or something? Not so simple.
Look, I was in the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
And I'm also a recovered pedophile.
So if anyone knows the rules about abducting young boys from their bed, it's old Sgt.
Why did I let you take this job? Because I'm great! Plus I had no job, no home, and refused to leave yours.
And not the point! This abduction malarkey is completely against Guild law.
So we're gonna handle this one the Hatred way.
Take some antihistamines! I don't have a little tickle in my chest, I look like John Merrick! I need, like, a cortisone injection or something, duh! I don't know, I'm not a doctor! Oh, you're not? Then why the fuck have I been calling you "Dr.
Girlfriend," huh? I'm not that kind of a doctor.
Hold on, I'm gonna get that.
Monarch residence.
Ahem, yeah.
This is Sgt.
I used to live next door, but now I'm kinda your arch enemy? Yeah? Yeah, well, it seems you illegally took the Venture boys.
So, you're gonna have to hand 'em over, or I'll come over to your house and blow it up.
And I guess I'll probably have to kill the both of you, too.
- Hold on.
- Okay.
So, you like the briefs? I find them a tad too tight on my little battalion.
Sweetie, I have to take this call! Who is it? Is it Modern Enemy Monthly? Uh, yeah.
And they wanna do a blurb on me.
This always happens! Next thing you know, it's you naked on the cover! I knew it! All right, fine.
But when you talk about me, constantly use the words, "genius" and "visionary.
" So, Giant Boy Detective just puts Elizabeth on his huge head and walks right across that lake.
You see, the little waif leads them to the island -- Hup, she's back on the horn.
I'll tell you the rest later.
Listen, I can assure you that the Monarch and I did not take them.
Well, I can ass-sure you, little Miss So-and-so, that somebody there did.
And if you don't help us get 'em back, I can ass-sure you that the Guild will have your collective heads! Okay, I'll take care of this.
Wrong! We'll take care of this.
Doc and I are gonna be at your door in one hour! Not the door! I'll meet you at the old observatory.
Looks like the set of The Gilmore Girls.
Looks can be deceiving.
Ever wonder where villains get their mail sent? It ain't to their hollowed out volcano! It's right here -- Malice.
Yeah, that would be more impressive if I hadn't been here, like 50 times, and usually to rescue the boys.
We just have to stop at my old place and pick up some gear.
Never know what kinda -- Uh, problem? You're gonna have to turn your vehicle around.
This is a gated community.
Yeah, I'm a pretty little flower.
Like a prom date, maybe? This is a gated community.
Enjoy the silence.
Are you for supper? Gated Gated Turtles! Now let's go dream about little breaded chicken fingers.
Ha! Robots! Programmed to respond to over None of which includes chicken fingers.
Hey, souvenir! You can use 'em like halloween masks.
Maybe Dean can go as a middle-aged security guard this year, huh? What is going on? You have been driven insane! You have been subjected to the dreaded Chinese water torture for easily a half an hour.
You have lost your grip on reality.
We're delirious? So, this is a dream, and we're not really here-- Oh, no, you're actually here.
But if I'm half monster, and like half goat and half hor-- that's stupid.
Okay, if my bottom half is a horse, and on top I'm Sin-Eater.
Who's Sin-Eater? Or Wolverine! With bat wings.
Dude, you're that henchman guy.
- With bat wings? - No, that is mental! You're regular.
Are you sure you did this right? Because I'm not really tortured.
Just kinda wet.
The real torture is that farty smell.
Did you put something in the water? The water's clean.
But those are totally the buckets we used to mop up the level 4 bathroom.
Hi, honey.
What happened? Did you leave? Yeah, the magazine wanted to do a quick photo shoot.
At night.
At the old observatory.
That was supposed to be my photo shoot! Wait! What do you have on under your robe? Clothing? Not good enough! Let's see it.
Knew it! It's not what you think, sweetie! Oh, yeah, it's just what I think.
Well, I'm gonna go to the cocoon and maybe go arching without you.
You like that idea? That's a horrible idea.
Seriously, baby, don't go to the cocoon.
Why? I haven't been there in, like, forever.
What are you hiding from me? Sweetie, please don't go-- We'll handle the Monarch, mum.
He won't be going anywhere.
Tim-Tom, I mean just keep him busy so he doesn't leave.
Don't go all crazy.
He'll flip if he knows what's going on.
All right, hold on a second.
I have another call.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I didn't get cut off.
I hung up on you.
- Oh, I know.
- Why didn't you call me back? I thought you'd just hang up-- Are we gonna get your gear, or what? - I can't go in there.
- My ex is in there.
Okay, then let's go.
Honestly, what gear do we need - an H-shaped grapple gun? Oh, will you look at that sweet squaw.
She is just sitting there missing me.
What a woman she is -- what? Who's he? There's a guy in there? Let me see! - Who is that other guy? - I can't tell.
Everyone looks the same in a leather mask.
Okay, I recognize the one with the ball gag.
That's Private Schwa.
I can't look! Tell me what's going on! Okay, the big guy with the saddle on his back is just driving his-- Aah! Lie to me! Damn you, lie to me! Fine, just relax.
Okay, I think they're rehearsing for a play.
Is there a non-musical, mostly nude version of Oklahoma!? Hello.
Where is you going? For a walk.
What's it to you? You aren't going anywhere.
I wouldn't even try to move-- Aah aah! Don't finish that sentence.
I'm only gonna say this once.
I don't like you two.
And if you ever, ever try to give me an order again, I will kill you both, and feed your tiny rotting bodies to the neighborhood dogs.
Now, what were you saying? Have a nice walk? How about you? Do I have to get a can of Raid and spray you? I didn't say nothing.
Anything? Nope.
Still sane.
Well, just tell me when you're driven so crazy with the water torture that you wanna confess.
To what?! Okay, I don't wanna sound like a know-it-all, but-- It's a little too late for that, Deano.
Aw, Smack! I was just gonna say that! Har-dee-har.
Pwned! This is unprovoked torture and kidnapping.
It's completely against Guild procedure.
The Monarch could get in big trouble for this.
Do you see the Monarch around? I don't.
Dean, this is about me, and the murder of my best friend.
Your friend was murdered? Duh! You don't remember a car blowing up in your yard, killing my only friend? Oh, wasn't that the same day that 100 gooey copies of me and my brother were mowed down by a lunatic in a spinning laser suit? And the day that my best friend Brock left us forever? How could we forget one of, like, a million guys who died on my lawn? Yeah, and that happened a pretty long time ago.
Why are you doing this now? After that happened, I was devastated.
I buried most of what I could find of 24.
And with him, I buried my dreams.
Company! Fire! Fire! I couldn't go on being a henchman.
Nothing made sense with 24 gone.
So I went back to my life before I was 21.
I went back to being -- Gary! What? Keep it down in there! Mom, I'm podcasting my life story! This is important.
Well, be important quietly! Okay! Fine! Geesh.
"This was no ordinary eighth grade Washington trip.
This was the day that I was to be stolen into the life of a hench--" - Gary! - Mom! But there was nothing for me there.
I knew my purpose was to make I knew that I had to become not only a henchman, but a leader of henchmen.
I trained myself in the mystic arts.
Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! And in the fighting arts.
Hey, that's not -- My body became a muscled killing machine.
Well don't go crazy.
Oh, you should have seen it before.
I did, like a million times.
Anyway, Hank.
I was ready to rejoin my old unit.
And under my tutelage, that unit became the most feared henchmen ever to don the wings.
I vowed never again will we lose a man to my cowardice.
Oh, yeah.
I did it.
It was me.
I killed 24.
We all did, Gary.
We all did.
Don't blame me, I didn't! And you seriously gotta untie me or you're gonna have to scratch my heinie.
Because my heinie totally itches.
Bar's closed.
Gonna have to ask you to leave.
Excuse me, you insolent soon-to-be-corpse Did you just refuse me a drink? No serving past midnight.
General 21's orders.
General 21? General?! Do you know who you are speaking to? All right, let's go, pal.
I asked nice.
I don't care if you whisper it into my ear and give me a corsage, I am not leaving till I get my Fresca.
Whhyyyy! Why would let them do that to you? Wait a minute -- I asked you to do that position.
Apparently I didn't ask you while wearing buttless leather chaps! Oh, what would Giant Boy Detective do? What the -- Why are you here? Where were you? The tree fort back there.
Who are you? Go home.
I don't need this.
Man, what's wrong with your face? What's wrong with yours? Henry, that's rude.
Clearly he's deformed.
Probably the kindly old groundskeeper.
Kindly old groundskeeper.
I was once young and handsome and then a witch cast a spell on me.
Well, sorry.
So do you want Dean to kiss you? He's a princess! No! I want you to go home.
Where are we? The magical land of Narnia.
I'll call you a cab.
And the telescope is really a laser.
Never seen it fired.
I did.
I was like four, maybe five.
Super loud.
Probably the reason I have tinnitus.
Yeah, that was in one of the episodes of the Rusty Venture show.
So you're a fan.
And here we are.
What would the neighbors think? The neighbors are Auntimatter, who's a spinster that shape shifts, and Flying Squid, he's pretty self-explanatory.
So I don't think they'd find this weird.
I have a magic guy living in my house.
Oh, and my former arch enemy is now my bodyguard.
So, looks like we made it.
Exactly what my parents wanted for me.
Yeah, my father would be proud.
So you haven't seen the boys? No.
Did you try calling them? Aww! Hatred, what an idiot.
No, he never -- World's worst bodyguard.
What's up, pop? Where are you? In bed.
Really? Where were you tonight? We were in Gary's tree fort.
We took a cab home like an hour ago.
What's the password? I forgot.
Oh, wait, I remember.
I'm the fucking Monarch! Let me in, now! It's open.
What the hell are you doing? It's the Chinese water torture.
It's not really torture.
It's like, uh, napping under an air conditioner, kinda.
Whoa! You know, I think the water torture has given me second sight, or something.
I can see your true, evil self.
It has been revealed.
It's an allergic reaction to a fancy salad.
So, uh, why are you not with Dr.
Girlfriend? She's taking her clothes off for my interview.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Your wife naked? No! I mean, she's pretty, but no, that's -- Yeah, phase out the Monarch so you can take his place, huh? - What? - I'm onto you! I know you had the Venture brothers here.
Who told you that? Nobody.
I can smell them.
Hank wears more Stetson cologne than a gigolo, and Dean smells like Selsun Blue.
So, uh, what? Are you torturing them without me? Hardly.
I blew it.
I tried to get them to confess to a murder that I think I committed.
I'm not you.
I don't have that natural hate.
You were born for this.
You don't know the half of it.
I hate everything.
I hate myself more than most villains hate their arch enemies.
I'm all hate.
No, it's true.
And I am honored to serve in your ranks, sir.
- Really? - Totally.
Oh, hey, you wanna hang out? We can play cards, or watch Josie and the Pussycats.
Slo-mo the Rosario Dawson scenes.
Like when 24 was still here.
Old times? This is very touching, so here's what I'll do.
Instead of having you executed for suspected treason, I'll leave you to play in your tree fort before I burn it down, okay? See, total pro! You are the mighty Monarch! Don't ever forget that.
Dude, guess who did a spread for Modern Enemy Monthly? Ta-da! Dude, where are you? What are you doing over there?
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