The Venture Bros (2003) s04e05 Episode Script

The Revenge Society

It needs something Yes Chuck, it needs JAM! It's all there.
What is this? Oh, that's a ham sandwich and a 100 calorie pack of little Oreos.
Casper here double-crossed us! Intangible Fancy! We are lenient on murderers.
We've all been there.
But the penalty for smuggling contraband is beheading! Does he have a head? Can we even get that- whatever that is- that head areaoff? What say you to the charges? I didn't swallow it.
I dropped it.
We all saw it! I mean, you're like a ghost or something! You're clear! Here's something, I can see Councilman 8.
Yes Okay, that's peculiar.
My name is Revenge! That was odd.
Shouldn't we do something? These rooms have no alarms or anything.
I don't even know where you guys are.
Are we even in the same building? UmF.
I It seems that we can now see Councilman 3.
Oh dear.
Well that can't be good news.
Am I still in silhouette? Can I go now? I can't just sit here! I am coming to help! Oh, hello.
Well, that didn't work out.
They'll live.
Remember, if they die You die.
What more do you want?! I just performed an- um, guy graft? Silence! The room has ears.
They are everywhere.
Listening, plotting! Laughing at our hair! Look.
I did the surgery thing.
We are even.
Right? Even? You took my limbs! You built some crazy machine that took your limbs! I just pulled a lever! And then they took my limbs that you took! Like a butterfly painting his wings in powders! Whorish and deceptive! Okaaaay I'm gonna just get back in the bag and you can knock me out or whatever.
I just want to wake up in my own bed again.
I feel like moist hell Who are you? My name is Revenge.
Conserve your strength, Red Mantle.
You'll need it.
Agh! What have you done?! You idiot! Your bodies were dying.
I have saved you.
What are you, Ray Harryhausen?! I was fine! He was the dying one.
You should have put his head on your shoulders! Yell why don't you.
I'm trying to sleep.
Good lord! We've been stitched together! Welcome to alive, Dragoon.
My name is Revenge.
Your name is Phantom Limb, you fucking lunatic! That's Phantom Limb? Ah, no wonder! He's like number 1 on the Guild's Most Wanted list.
Great! He's going to kill us! Hardly.
I have plans for you.
And after you hear what I will tell you You will willingly help me.
I can't hear that! And if I did, I have a very bad memory.
Sovereign! Pay no attention to the handsome and ageless rock star hiding behind the couch! I am the Mighty Sovereign.
Everybody knows who you are, my master.
Really? You sure? Everybody? Pretty much.
And may I say that Hours was a totally underrated album.
Yeah? I mean, I thought so.
But wasn't it kinda too little to late? That would be Tin Machine.
Master, The Guild has been penetrated.
Two of your council members have been taken.
Impossible! Getting past the diamond dogs? We would have at least heard the chants of the ever circling Skeletal Family! The Intruder knew all of our secrets.
We suspect that-- Phantom Limb has returned! Aaaand that's kinda the good news.
The bad news You tell him.
No way! Dude, we already went through this.
Tell me or you both die.
He penetrated the Chamber Sub-Rosa.
The Chamber Sub-Rosa!? And the Charter? Is the Charter safe? UhGone.
You! Summon the High Council! And you, Call Iman! Tell her I'll be on tour! What are you doing? I'm trying to read! I have read this page twice.
I can almost feel our hands, so I'm trying to turn the page.
You going to make me bloody my nose, you fool! Then turn the page! Well I don't know what I'm looking for! Stop feigning ignorance! You two are the oldest living members of the Guild.
You know her secrets.
Yes fine.
And your grandfather started it.
I don't need to read the charter for this! You want to know about your grandfather? Well why didn't- Alright, it was February, 1659 We were playing the Winter Dance Party in the middle of nowhere Iowa.
We were musicians then-- I was! You just kinda talk-singed.
I was accidentally creating hip-hop! Anyway, this old guy approached us with an offer we couldn't refu-- - Wait, wait.
- I'm confused.
This happened in sixteen fifty nine? What? No.
Nineteen fifty nine.
You said sixteen fifty nine.
No I didn't.
You totally did! Right? Am I crazy? Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Ya see, the old guy told us he was making a rock and roll orchestra! And that old man was The legendary Fantomas! The grandfather of Captain Crazy here.
My grandfather was himself a talented musician.
Sousaphone! Your grandfather played a sousaphone.
He was awful! Every day he'd make us rehearse.
This band made up of kidnapped musicians and this old man and his ridiculous sousaphone.
So Phantom Limb kidnapped you to start a band? So he could be like his grandfather? No, young William! The Guild was once much more than a safe haven for washed up rock stars! It was a sacred order of knights that were sworn to protect an ancient doomsday device! The ORB! I don't remember reading that.
I admit it I was skimming.
Okay Um Don't kill me or anything.
But I know where the ORB is.
Is he pointing a gun at me? - Tell me! - It's in a safe! At the Venture compound I have a list of inappropriate behavior.
Number one! This.
Don't do this! What's number two? - Nothing! - I don't have a number two.
I don't even have a list.
Get out of the bathroom! Hank hates me! I- I can't take it.
I have given the boy nothing but appropriate and one million percent legal love, and he just hates me.
Your name is Hatred.
You have "HATRED" tattooed down your chest! What do you expect? I also have Calvin and Hobbs tattooed on my thigh! And Calvin isn't taking a wee! No, he's huggin' Hobbs! He's killing me with this crap.
Every week That's impossible! Apparently Rhode Island is in our driveway.
I gotta deal with this.
Dean, he listens to you.
Get him out of there.
Uncle Hatred? Dean? I'm gonna be straight up and down with you.
Uncle Hatred has fallen right off the wagon.
I'm drinking- I don't know- It's awful- I think it's Axe cologne.
Or maybe the CVS equivalent.
I don't know-- Hatred! You listen to me! This is your sponsor talking! What is step number 4?! To make a fearless moral inventory of ourselves? Yes, and what are you doing in there? I don't know what "moral inventory" means! And you're not my sponsor! Pretty little boys do not drink! You need your shot.
You're going to the dark place again.
I know! Dean! You gotta see this! The front lawn is crawling with those bald-headed Guild guys! WHAT!? We are in full lockdown! Into the panic room! Hank? Buddy? Wow Look at that.
Whatever I guess I'll go hide in the panic room Hey, uh You wanna help your uncle Hatred stop the bad guys? You! Me! You! Me! You! Me! You! Me! You! Me! Alright, fine, fine, fine.
It seems that we can do this.
You're kind of taking over the right side.
I bet I can take over the whole thing.
I'm clearly the dominant one.
Ridiculous! I have been piloting this bone-bag for like 73 years! I'm not giving it up to a talking pimple! A pimple that can make you noogie yourself! Noogie patrol! Ow! You wanna go, do you?! What is this? I leave you alone and you become a vaudeville routine.
Well maybe it's because you made us into a hackneyed premise! I'll have you know that we were training just like you told us to! Great.
If we run into Shemp or Mo, I'm sure you'll give them quite a thrashing.
And where have you been? I've been standing here all day with my dick in my hand.
That was my dick.
I was out with the rest of my team.
William was right, The Orb is locked away in the Venture Compound.
The Guild has already positioned their forces.
Did you say the rest of your "team"? Who else did you stitch together? How rude of me.
Let me introduce the Revenge Society! Meet Wisdom.
Our fix it man.
Demolitions, communications, new technology Wisdom's the one we- Hmm? Oh, and yes, the spiritual heart of our team.
Namaste, Wisdom.
Forgive me.
That is a mug.
A face only a mother could love.
But what a mind! That's Chuck.
Named so for his abilities in the ancient art of nunchaku.
He's the muscle.
Also quite handy with dismantling traps! Hmm?- hahahaha.
But not very humble- Chuck, you imp.
He's always doing that.
Why can't I hear them? Because you are sane! The looker here is Lady Nightshade.
Her skills are obvious.
But hands off, gentlemen! She's spoken for.
Am I missing something? The man is a fruit loop! Fruit loop as a fox, gentlemen! Join us! Together we shall destroy the Guild of Calamitous Intent! That's ridiculous.
You are ridic-- this is ridiculous, sir! Oh, well my mistake.
So I guess I'll just murder you.
Oh, wait! No, this sounds like a fun thing for us to do! Oh, yes! Totally! I'm into it! What are they doing out there? They're like waiting for something.
Did Pop do something wrong? Nahh, I'd say they've come a courtin' yours truly.
Hank, you know about the birds and the bees, right? For like 2 years now Well you know how some bees like other bees and some birds like other birds? Like Uncle Gentleman? Right! Now there are some birds that like eggs.
And eggs are fragile and can't defend themselves.
So, some egg lovers take experimental drugs to not like eggs.
Because I don't wanna like eggs! I already know that you used to be a pedestrian.
I- And I also like the bees! I've had my share of honey- Alright! Stop! I get it! Okay Bees are ladies, Hank.
- Got it! So those guys are here to kill you because God forgot to? What? No.
They viewed my condition as a damn special skill! I was just trying to clear the air.
I think it's me they want.
They must've found out how Batman I am.
You got tons of Batman! But I gave every Guild secret I had to the OSI when I became your dad's bodyguard.
Not very Batman.
No sir, not Batman in the least.
So what do we do? Yeeeeaaah I got nothing.
Just what I needed to hear! Let me show you what a Batman- loaded, Brock-trained Venture can do! Who is it? Ummm The Guild of Calamitous Intent? I'm sorry, we aren't interested.
Maybe you could leave some literature for us.
Oh, you are gonna get us killed, and I am loving it! Ooh, I got one! Alright, so I guess we'll take a box of Thin Mints.
And what the hell, I guess a box of those peanut butter Do-si-dos.
Can we speak to Dr.
Venture? Oh! OhThe Ventures! Nah, nah You got the wrong compound.
Yeah, they live right down the road.
Okay! Does anyone have those directions I printed out?! Will you look at that.
Where is Hatred!? If Brock were handling this right now, I'd be watching him hosing the blood off the front lawn.
Dean, what are you doing? Hyperventilating into my knees, that smell a little like spit up Because I spit up a little.
Dean You just baby burped onto a speedsuit.
Not a super-scientist alive that hasn't coughed a little acid onto his speedsuit.
Really? Why do you think these things are like 95% polyester? You can clean off fear-vomit with a wet-nap.
I thought you were used to this.
Dean, I remember when the Action Man would wake me up with a gun pointed at my head.
He'd just hold it there and pull the trigger.
I'd hear that click really loud because it was right against my forehead.
So it echoed Right.
It sounded like he snapped one of my teeth out.
"CLICK!" And then he'd go "Not today, Rusty Not today.
" Golly And you took it because you had to? No, Dean I took it because I was Rusty Venture, boy adventurer.
I didn't ask for this life, Dean.
But it's mine.
Sure, I fall down in this speedsuit.
But I get up and wet-nap my puke off.
Do you have one? I got a pocket full of those lemony little devils.
It all comes with that outfit, Dean.
It's not all bad.
I mean, I'm a super-scientist.
Hell, I have a lawn full of bad guys who want my ErWhat do they want? Let's find out! William, you go with Chuck and those two.
Get the Orb and bring it to drop point alpha.
Lady Nightshade, Wisdom and I will maintain surveillance.
I'm not getting out of this bag! And I'm staying in the car! We! We are staying in the car! We haven't been outside in 30 years.
I'm old and I'm afraid of everything! I'm afraid the streets are overrun with teenage gangs! Teenagers are cruel.
They will undoubtedly taunt us because our trousers are not in style anymore.
And we are two heads on one body.
And that has never, ever been hip! I can kill a man by simply touching him.
Now what were your special powers again? It's in the safe, right? I'll carry the boy-bag! They know we're stalling.
And seriously, I can't come up with a way to be more intimidating.
I can! We get completely nude.
Naked army! Go all Braveheart on them! I think the Eunuch Division might gross everybody out.
Yeah, maybe.
But the Women's Auxiliary That'll rule! Wait, he's finally here.
And he brought Eon! - How do you know that? Here come the Warm Jets! Don't move and stay low.
We'll appear as a pile of laundry.
Think laundry.
Become it.
Can you feel the ground-in dirt? The grass stains? - Kinda? Okay, they got in.
The place is hot.
We call it "hot" when bad guys are there.
How did they get past the laser field and the security locks? I turned the lasers off when Orpheus got shot mowing the lawn.
He got all law suit on me.
And I removed the locks because Hank locked himself in the Research Lab after seeing Dog Day Afternoon.
Okay, we're here! I'm gonna take another lap.
Check! A little super-scientist reconnaissance! No, my zipper's caught in the conveyer belt.
Wow, that is one hell of a wheelie, son! But aaaahhh, we've been taking your shortcut for like an hour now! It's all part of my plan.
Like I said; once we get an ice cream cake and my dad's stack of Playboys, it will all come together.
Yeaaah And you'd tell me if you were taking advantage of me and just doing everything your dad won't let you do, right? - You don't trust me? - What? No! Hey, you were trained by Brock Samson.
I worked with that boy! He is as honest as sunshine! He's like you, Son.
You and Brock Samson.
Two of the most Batman fellas you could ever-- Fine.
We gotta turn around.
I forgot about the part of my plan where we save you from the Guild.
Well let's get back on course there, soldier.
Come on! I'll race you! So it's the next right here? I don't know, I guess.
I can't see anything.
Well then get out of the ba- Oh dear.
Hands up in the air.
Put your hand up! Screw that! What was that? That's a Guild Blackout.
Dangerous idiots.
They don't even make minimum wage.
And Chuck is the muscle.
Hold this.
I just learned how to make a fist, and that's like a bomb.
You carry it.
I'm carrying the Billy-bag! Then leave him! But Great, we knocked him out.
What is this, an episode of Gilligan's Island? Everybody gets hit once then they are instantly unconscious.
Good one.
Six bucks says he has amnesia when he wakes up.
Where are you, Shape shifter?! So sneaky.
You could be anywhere.
Yes, Wisdom.
A shape shifter.
You know that Well I didn't say you were.
What are you getting at, Wisdom? If that is your name Or could it be Sovereign! Every professional nemesis has weaknesses.
One! They wear goggles.
Peripheral vision is shot.
Two! Helmets with logos and stuff on them.
A guy with a big metal piece of punctuation on his hat can't turn his head fast.
So you gotta be moving.
Always moving! Got it! Always moving.
I'm you from the the future! We have to finish our time machine before the the Angels of Destruction find the portal! Naaa, I'm just messing with you.
Come with me.
I need your help.
Guild has been standing out there all night just waiting for me.
Guaranteed this is a trap.
Hmmprobably a bag of scorpions that have been trained to take the shape of a guy! - Hank, that's mental.
- Watch out! The scorpions coulda been trained to shoot little cocktail rifles! It's a trap! It's a sleeping boy.
He's all cozy in his sweet little PJs.
They're preying on my weakness! Those monsters! Hey! I found the stack of Playboys! Look what he did to us.
I heard.
But you guys are kinda working it.
Looks good.
Really? Thank you.
Hey, we're sorry for probably killing everyone.
He wants us to read this.
"Make way for the dashing Phantom Limb!" I didn't write this crap.
"Grandson of FantOmas! Victor at the battle of Cremation Creek and Keeper of the Orb! And the rightful Sovereign of the Guild of Calamitous Intent Well done, Lady Nightshade! Was that a shoe? Sweetie! Have you seen my other shoe? The black Ferragamo? By birthright, I am your sovereign! Wisdom! I should have trusted you.
I will avenge your death.
If it's not the Thin White Douche! Hand the Guild over to its rightful heir! Or I will activate this! Please, no.
Don't activate a broken coffee mug.
Behold! The Orb! Yes, well, in that case, I'll hand the Guild over.
Meet the rightful heir to the Guild of Calamitous Intent Dean Venture! Lloyd Venture, that boy's great grandfather, was the Grand Protector of the Orb.
Your Grandfather, not unlike you, was a usurper! All hail the Sovereign! I am the Sovereign! Alright boy, hustle this up.
I want these idiots out of here.
They're killing my lawn.
Oh, sorry.
In the name of Chaos! Dominion! And organized havoc! I dub thee Sovereign, lord of the Guild of Calamitous Intent! Good on ya, boy.
He's a Venture.
This is crap! I'm the rightful heir! Me! Phantom Limb! And I shall go down in history as her destroyer! Behold! The awesome power of the Orb! Please don't activate it.
Sandow I must.
Then so must Sandow.
You broke it! You destroyed the Orb! My orders were to kill you.
Well in that case Thanks? And let's not tell anybody about this, shall we? No! No! It doesn't work! Seize the traitor! Two heads are better than one! What does that have to do with anything? Nothing I've just been wanting to say that all day.
I got sick of waiting for an opportunity.
That was crazy White! White, you up?! You gotta hear about this dream I had! It was completely nu- Good morning, sunshine! I wanna go back in my bag!
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