The Venture Bros (2003) s04e10 Episode Script

Pomp & Circuitry

Zoology -- a cat has over 100 vocal cords, while the giraffe has none.
Astronomy -- the temperature of the sun can reach Anatomy -- there are 9,000 taste buds on your tongue.
And the answer to today's trigonometry problem is -- Well, would you look at that? It would appear that's all the time we have Hank and Dean.
Today marks the completion of our progressive, electronic, cross-disciplinary educational journey together.
You're now fully prepared to embark on your first solo adventure -- to college and the fulfilling life of super-science that awaits beyond.
So I suppose the only thing I have left to say is Congratulations.
Hank and Dean.
Hey, what you got there? It's a diploma.
Weren't you listening? - Uh, what? - I think we just graduated.
We did? Cool! Does that mean we can finally ditch these nerd pods and get bunk beds? I don't know.
Where's yours? Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Come to order.
We have a movement on the floor.
Councilman 2? In the interest of preserving the sanctity of this esteemed council, I propose that we immediately commence the vetting of candidates to replace Councilman 8.
- Yes! - Yeah.
Whoa! Why? What did I do? We are the council of 13, not the council of 12.
And since your merger with Councilman 3, your screen has remained vacant.
Well, I'm still here! It's not as if we're only one guy now just because of this -- this head business.
Well, now, I-I sort of see their point.
See? We don't even vote the same.
I said to her -- I said, I said, "that's not a ceiling.
" Time's up, Limb.
Visiting hours are over.
Tell the others, Wisdom.
It's time.
All right, hands where I can see them.
Oh, aren't you cute? You know the drill.
Guy's batshit crazy.
You're lucky you weren't on duty when he had his conjugal visit with a freakin' shoe.
Hear me, my special friends.
Come to me.
Avenge me.
Yes, just like we planned.
Uh! Oh! What the -- what? Armando.
Leftenant Shankly.
Good to have you back.
- Oh, my god! - What? Don't move.
There is a bug on you.
There is? Where?! Oh, God! Get it off! It's one of those ones that fly! I hate those! Yes, it's unfortunate they had to be sacrificed, Wisdom, but don't blame yourself.
Your plan was brilliant.
A work of art.
All it needs now is a signature.
It is quite simple.
On days with T's in them, we sit in my screen.
On all others, we're in Dragoon's.
Yes, yes.
I like this.
Gentlemen! It seems there is another movement on the floor.
I heard nothing! And it is a doozy.
What is the point of all this? State law mandates each student gets a minimum of two hours face time with a certified guidance counselor or, in this case, a friend of your dad's.
What's a guidance counselor? Usually it's a guy you barely know who gives you career advice, even though his career is guidance counselor, and sometimes he helps you get into college.
But I don't want to go to college.
Well, it's not for everybody.
That's why we're doing this -- to determine what individual path is right for you.
So, uh, what did you put down? Ahem! Number one --"drifter.
" All right.
That's not really a career, Hank.
It's like the opposite of a career.
Ah, but you don't need to go to college to be one, right? Plus, you get paid to just walk around all day reading sexy letters, like the guy in "Red Shoe Diaries.
" He wasn't a drifter.
The guy's getting all his mail.
That implies a fixed address.
Okay, fine.
Then, like, David "The Hulk" Banner.
Well, David Banner's real name is actually Dr.
David Bruce Banner.
So he's a scientist.
Oh, then I don't want to be that.
Well, what's your second choice? "Owner and operator of The Chimp Eden.
" Okay, well, that's barely saner, but for that we're talking three, four years of veterinary school, minimum, and that's on top of a bachelor's degree.
Scratch that one, too.
Man, way to ruin Chimp Eden.
Okay, you, uh, made a mistake here.
You wrote "Batman" twice.
That's intentional.
Number three is golden age Batman, and number four is post-crisis Batman.
They're, like, two completely different Batmen.
So that just leaves "secutor"? Were you trying to spell "executive"? Duh, a "secutor" is a kind of gladiator.
They've got the coolest helmets, and they get to beat up on those gay lord gladiators with the nets and tridents.
Retiarius -- my favorite gladiator.
- Gay lord.
- Okay.
Dean, how about you? What did you put down for your top-five dream jobs? Well, I-I only got four now.
Oh, well, that's because you forgot super-scientist, boy.
No, I didn't.
Looks like you already have the "absent-minded" part down, eh, Professor? Okay.
Now go upstairs and get dressed, both of you.
We're looking at college this afternoon.
I don't want to go to college! Hank, don't start.
Okay, kids.
Uh, you think I could have a moment alone with your dad? Well, did you push State like I asked you? I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rust, but your boys are pathetically underprepared for adulthood.
Well, sure, Hank's a bit of a late bloomer, but did you catch Dean's little mustache? Really starting to come in.
Yeah, regardless of the 'stache, neither of them knows a thing about the real world.
What are you talking about? Those kids have been around the globe more times than Gaetan Dugas.
But the stuff those beds have been teaching them is more dated than Funk & Wagnalls.
I mean, what college do you think is gonna accept transcripts from a talking bed, anyway? Especially since, uh, if I'm even reading them right, Hank didn't graduate.
Hank! I'm not going to college.
Darn tootin', you're not, because you're getting right back in that bed until you graduate, mister! No, father, I'm going to a place where you and your crummy bed can't tell me what to do anymore.
What is this? What, are you fake running away again? Well, don't expect your brother to sneak food out to your tent in the backyard this time, because he's going to college! Well, bully for him, because I'm joining the army.
Hot dog! Best decision you'll ever make, son.
Why, I look back on my time with -- Not that army, Sergeant Butt-kiss.
Dean! Are you dressed yet? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Uh, well, then -- then get in the car.
Is that what you're wearing? Ah, manservant.
What has become of us? A kingdom had I.
You got something for a veteran? Don't forget the veterans! Do you have any change? All right, you bums.
Move it along.
Aw, man.
Same old shit.
It's like Kent State all over again, man! Yeah, stick it to the man, my brother! Hey, can I have his coat? Oh, get a job.
S-Sally? Afraid not, old boy.
Ah! Oh! I'd heard you'd lost your mind and stopped working, but it looks like you've beenbusy.
D-D-Do you work for me? I had something more along the lines of a partnership in mind.
It's me, Richard.
It's Hamilton.
Don't come any further! You're in the germ-free zone! Oh, pull yourself together, man! Hey! I'm a hunted man, Richard, and you're in a unique position to help me.
I-I can't help anybody.
I can't even help myself.
Then we'll help each other, like we did back in our Boys' Brigade days.
You want to get the Boys' Brigade back together? Not exactly.
I need you to make another one of these.
You're -- you're not -- you're not holding -- there's -- there's nothing there.
I don't -- oh.
Oh, you've got an invisible -- That's neat.
You know, Sally could turn invisible.
Oh, yes, yes.
I share your pain, old friend.
I, too, have suffered terrible losses this year.
It nearly broke me, but instead, it only strengthened my resolve.
Join me, and I can do the same for you.
But -- but you're all evil, though.
I-I can't be a bad guy.
Is it really such a stretch? Thought you could hide from me, eh, Professor Impossible? Who's this ass? Well, the nucleotide has turned, my elastic antagonist, for no one can escape the infectious grip of the fiendish Dr.
Phineas Phage! Leave me alone! Oh, come on! You've been sulking in there for months.
Enough is enough.
The man said leave him be! Phantom Limb? Hey, you -- you can't arch Impossible.
I'm his -- wait a minute.
You're supposed to be in -- I'm gonna tell the Guild! If he gets away, I'm done for, Richard.
You must help me! How? W-What can I do? Just hold on tight.
Aah! No! No! Pro-teens, help me! Uhh! All right, Hamilton.
You've got yourself a partner.
Okay, fellas.
I'm all yours.
Where do I sign up? Um, excuse me.
Uh, who -- who do I talk to about enlisting? Samson -- Samson, you're breaking up! Repeat -- what is your 10-20? Sorry, I'm only getting one bar down here.
We made it to the catacombs, but rookie here tripped the alarm.
Would you get out of there, man? You don't know what the hell you're doing! Where'd you recruit this clown, anyways, The Albert Merrill School? He came highly recommended.
Supposed to be some kind of expert.
In what? Poopy? Oh, crap.
The Swiss guard is here.
I need an exit -- quick! I'm on it.
Uploading security pass-code override now.
New recruit here.
Hello! Samson? Samson! What's happening? Talk to me! Samson! Uhh! Way to go, Heidi! Samson's down by 3 with a minute to left in the game, and you just cut the feed! What in God's name do you want?! I want to join up with you guys.
Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding.
Now beat it! This ain't the honeycomb fucking hideout, and we ain't hiring Junior G-Men! But I dare you to find someone more qualified than me.
I've been training under Brock my entire life.
I've traveled to every continent on the globe, including Atlantis, Outer Space, and Brigadoon.
I've been shot at, poisoned, stabbed, cudgeled, crocodiled, king cobra-ed, red-anted, you name it.
I'm still standing.
Now, if that's not the résumé of a top-notch, super-killer secret agent, then I don't know what is.
All right.
You win, kid.
Shoreleave! Yo, ass-- Oh, sorry.
It's an old habit.
Get Chachi here suited up.
Oh, this brings back memories.
Can I take this off yet? After the interview.
They're gonna love your school spirit.
God, it's all just like I remember it.
Except that thing.
That's new.
What's going on over there? It must be one of those "take back the night" rallies.
Great place to meet chicks, by the way.
Yeah, a little college tip there for you from the old man.
So, in closing, "Bizzybee, Volume 6" on Blu-ray and DVD, June 7th.
Thank you.
So let's hear it for Roy Brisby and, uh, all of our corporate benefactors, uh, The General Consolidated Insurance Company, and, of course, Professor Richard Impossible, who, unfortunately, couldn't be with us here today.
Ah, Professor Impossible.
Hello! What -- what an unexpected delight.
When you didn't R.
, we assumed -- Oh.
Oh, is -- is it just you? Your -- your lovely wife won't be joining us? Keep it together, Richard.
We've got work to do.
S-Sally and I are -- Say, could I get a mo'? Long Impossi-Car ride from the city.
Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, of course.
The restrooms are -- That's okay.
I remember.
Right there.
Just It's all clear.
I'm in.
Yes, I can see that.
Ham gravy, what did you do to my head? You try cutting hair made of living rubber with only one good arm, and an invisible one at that.
You go deliver your speech, and we'll rendezvous back here in -- Are you coming? What's wrong now? Nothing.
Thought I needed to poop, but it was just you in there.
All right.
You like it all squared off in the back or au natural? Ooh, can you shave a Batman logo back there? Well, as long as we're going all 1989 with it, how 'bout a nice high-top fade, like Kid and/or Play? Knock it off, Vidal Buffoon.
He's ready.
I'm so ready.
For what? Well, uh, for, uh, your first test.
This is it.
Good luck, son.
Now maybe we can get some goddamn work done around here.
Anyone heard from Samson yet? And pass.
Piece of cake.
Like I haven't been tied up a million times.
Come on.
Give me a hard one.
Yes, yes, I see your confusion.
But, no, I'm afraid it's my title, not my name.
You'll have to excuse me.
As you can see, it gets crazy this time of year, and I can't seem to find your application.
Yeah, we didn't see the need to burden you with more paperwork.
You -- you have no application? Well, the boy's a legacy admission, so this is just a formality, no? It doesn't work that way.
He still has to -- Well, go ahead.
Ask him anything you need to know.
So, uh, where'd you go to high school, young Dean? - Oh, I was -- - The boy is homeschooled.
I have an electric grandpa bed that talks to me while I sleep.
Ha ha.
Did I mention he's a legacy? I was here in the '80s.
You might want to look it up.
Did you graduate? Well, not right away, but I did receive an honorary degree.
Not from here.
Well, no.
From a small, uh, rather exclusive, uh, uh, Tijuana -- Look, you and I both know how this really works.
My father pumped a fortune into this place back in the day, so why don't you let the boy in, and we can call it squaresies? Dr.
Venture, while it's true your father was rather generous to the university -- Generous?! He donated an entire wing! Which you blew up, if I recall.
And his estate paid for it out of my inheritance.
So, really, it's like I gave you the money.
Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Dean.
I wish you much success with your future academic career -- wherever it may be.
- That's it? If you were gonna jerk us around like this, then why the hell did you even agree to see us? Honestly? That would be a nice change of pace.
Because when my secretary told me a "Dr.
Venture" was here to see me, I thought she meant your brother.
Uh, you'll have to, uh, excuse me.
I haven't done any public speaking in a while, and I don't have anything prepared.
Richard, wrap it up and bring the Impossi-Car around.
I found it.
Huh? Phantom Limb, this has gone far enough.
Screw you! Who died and made you the high-and-mighty floating head of everything? Actually, that would be my predecessor, Force Majeure.
Well, you won't have Phantom Limb to kick around anymore! I'm starting my own damn guild.
With whom? A coffee cup? You're not well, Hamilton.
Give yourself up now, and I'll call off my diamond dogs.
Never! Uhh! And, uh, that's pretty much when she walked out on me, for good this time, and -- Richard! Richard! Stop glad-handing and help me, damn you! Oh, that's the last time I let you partner me up with this clown.
Never again, you.
Don't worry.
We're -- we're just just training your new partner.
Oh, come on.
Not another rookie.
Nah, you'll like this one.
In fact, you've -- you've worked with him before.
Who? Where is he? What, in there? That's the mind-erasing machine.
What he don't know won't hurt him.
And what he don't know is gonna be a whole hell of a lot in a minute.
Oh, Hank, Hank.
Buddy? You okay? Oh, hey, Brock.
What'd you jackasses do to him? No, no.
It's okay, Brock.
It was all just part of my secret-agent test.
What? The old "mind-eraser switcheroo" trap.
Easily evaded with the old "tinfoil on the head" ruse.
So I passed, right? Oh! Uh, that must be the, uh, fireworks I arranged over, uh, there.
Sweet land of liberty of thee I sing Land -- It wasn't me this time.
"You can't be a spy with us.
" Ah, back to the high and tight huh? I feel like that Jewish guy who lost all his powers when they cut his hair off.
Uh, Samson? Lenny Kravitz.
It's not all about you, you know? Yeah, well, uh, you look good, like your old Hank self again, instead of always trying to be like, uh, well, me.
Conceited much? Look, you don't want my life, Hank.
This job's not all it's cracked up to be.
I've been at this for over 20 years, and what do I have to show for it? A metal plate in my chest, Vatican karate gorilla blood on my hands, and a footlocker full of "Manboro" miles.
You got enough for the canoe? What? Well, yeah, but will I ever live to see that canoe? Can I have 'em? Look, you're missing the point, Hank! What I'm trying to tell you is even though you passed that test down there -- Wait.
I did? Well, then, why did you -- why did they reject me? Because if you want to join Sphinx, you need a high-school diploma.
Oh! You know about that? Well, I wouldn't be a very good spy if I didn't, now, would I? Hey! Did -- did I mention that you also have to be 18? You've done it, Richard! You've replicated my original machine to a tee.
I'm whole again.
The name's not "Richard" anymore, Hamilton.
From now on, I'm Professor Incorrigible! Professor Indolent? Professor Infamous? Professor Indochina? No? They're all a bit forced.
Professor Inscrutable? Excuse me.
I want to join up with you guys.

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