The Venture Bros (2003) s04e11 Episode Script

Every Which Way But Zeus

Billy Quizboy, you must come with me! What the -- White! White, I'm being kidnapped by Zeus! That's what I've been telling you.
That's why you should eat more fiber.
Holy crap! - Who are you? Oh, great and powerful Zeus, I am but a humble servant.
Some fucking scientist, White.
Zeus is a myth, and this guy's kidnapping me.
Wait, you are in charge? Yeah, I'm the brains here.
What? Since when? I'm running this show, and you know it.
Are you high? Y-You do nothing -- nothing! I'm the idea man! Then, Billy Quizboy and whoever you are, you must come with me! Cross your fingers, Andy.
Huh? Hoo-rah! - Let's go, Shoreleave.
- Boys night out.
You coming? "Boys night out"? Oh, I wish! You guys are going to that strip club again.
You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard.
Are you coming or not? Hmmoh, no.
I'm feeling kind of kind of gay.
Wait, no.
Hold -- no.
No, it's definitely -- I am definitely still gay.
Well, don't stay up all night on that.
Need you up early to make those mods on the intake units.
All right, well, enjoy the shame.
Bring some Purell! Shoreleave, you must come with me! I've been expecting this since I was 9! So, wave your wand, and let's go to that ball! Wait, wait.
Uh, do I need a pumpkin and some mice, or should we take this? Aah! Aah! Doc, as your bodyguard, I-I really got to stress here how dumb that idea is.
Listen, Hatred, I'm a marked man.
Hank, cover your ears and hum.
Aw, come on! Not again.
Testing, testing.
Hank smells like he showers in throw-up.
Dean could kick Hank's ass.
Hank has been professionally diagnosed as a crybaby.
And he wets his bed.
Okay, you got to trust me here.
They are gonna get me.
I'm not just a super scientist.
I'm Rusty Venture.
You think they're gonna kidnap all those schlubs and not me? I'm just saying that you should let me hide you in a-a hamper or something.
They'll find me.
I'm the hot ticket.
You can't collect scientists and not have a Rusty Venture on your mantel.
Okay, you're the boss.
But I'm -- I'm really serious about Hank.
What are you talking about? He's been wetting the bed recently.
Jingleheimer Schmidt, la-la-la-la-la-la-la It's downright unreasonable! I could pole-dance better than half of those women.
Good lord, son, there should be a mandatory retirement age for strippers.
Uh, did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? I almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.
Ohh! That poor woman has the saddest tits.
Goddamn depressing! Right? Yeah, they're like "The Notebook" sad.
Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad.
She has mournful tits.
They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.
Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a nerf ball -- just sad.
Damn it, she has gloomy tits! It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.
I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.
Guild wasps! Locking on and in pursuit.
Disengage, Samson, disengage! We just got spanked! What's going on? This is a code white operation.
We're all buddies on this one.
Sphinx fighter, this is control.
You are cleared for landing.
Copy, control.
So, how's your golf game, Samson? For the amusement of Zeus and our mutual pleasure, the battle continues! Fighting his 12th battle and living under the villain the Monarch, Henchman 21! Fighting for the first time and living under the hero U.
Steel, Ghost Robot! Fight! Listen to me.
I am a ghost that lives in the head of a robot.
If you pierce my chest, I will be unharmed.
I will fake my death, and then together, we will fight against Zeus.
On three, you take Zeus, and I will get the other guy.
One, two, thr-- You gonna explain what's going on, or am I just supposed to pretend that this golf course isn't crawling with O.
Agents? Will you keep it down and let a man concentrate? I got to get in the zone.
Birdie! Suck on that! Oh! We got to get off the green.
It's about to get weird.
I've been playing that hole for years and never got it to do that.
Why, that is just plain heartbreaking.
I-I can hardly stand it.
Why is he doing that? He's trying to avoid getting you kids in danger.
It's almost noble in a-a kind of sad, narcissistic way.
Then why do I feel embarrassed? Can't we do anything? I hate seeing this.
Yeah, Dean.
Let's just walk up and go, "Hey, there, wash-up.
Looks like nobody cares about you.
" You know, there is something we can do.
Hank, I know where you're going with this, and I love it! Get up, underling! Go fuck yourself.
Who came back? Who do you think? I heard that he ate one of Tricyclops' eyeballs yesterday.
Fuck this -- seriously.
I'm gonna be next.
I fought an 8-year-old, and the only reason I won is because he tripped into a spike.
I had my eyes closed the whole time.
'Til I heard an 8-year-old dying on a spike.
I'm not gonna fight him.
They can't make me fight him.
White, you are such a sissy! I'm a sissy? You're calling me a sissy? Oh, yeah, I get it.
I'm out and proud, and I'm the sissy.
I'm brave enough to be who I am in the face of assholes like you, and I'm the sissy.
Maybe when you come out of the closet, you can walk a mile in my Jimmy Choos! Well, I-I am so not gay.
With that pink shirt and that "oh, so sad" dye job? - I'm an albino! - Yeah.
A-And this is my lucky shirt that was red when bought it.
I hope I fight you next, you big sissy! Stop it! You're doing just what they want.
This Zeus nut is trying to make us kill each other, and you guys are helping him! Billy Quizboy and Peter White, come with me! So, I swiped some T.
I used to work here.
Old habits die hard.
- Sorry, gentlemen.
His chest plate constitutes body armor.
Michaelson, you degenerate! Don't act like I didn't save your ass a thousand times back when you used to be the company crybaby.
Did he tell you why we used to call him "Ken Doll Michaelson"? You ever hear of a "real doll"? They're like mannequins that you can have sex with -- seriously.
You can even get one with a, uh -- Yes! Yes! O-okay.
Change into these, and proceed to the cavity search.
Cavity search, my ass! I mean -- you know what I mean.
I dig the little mask.
So, you went evil? Never smelled that happening.
Evil? Wouldn't stretch it that far.
That's it -- last "stretch" pun.
Seriously, it's getting embarrassing.
Get into the swing, man! The puns go with the image.
Why must you constantly poo on my party? All right, you all have certain capabilities that make you human weapons.
So, if you want to represent your union, you have to consent to an abilities inhibitor.
Oh, come on! "Human weapon"? Storm Front, why don't you explain that to the Candyman's widow.
He was made of sugar.
I don't think anyone here is afraid of getting a little moist.
Looks like iron anvil minds.
Now, before we administer the untested, experimental inhibitor, we have to -- Ho, there.
"Experimental"? Suck it up, Mr.
Good Guy.
That's how we roll in organized villainy.
Get used to it.
Side effects may include nausea, headaches, insomnia, constipation, oily discharge, severe déjà vu, stiffness in joints blurred vision or temporary blindness, loss of life, diarrhea, thrombosis, and rectal bleeding.
How can you have diarrhea and constipation? Was "loss of life" in that list? Just a side effect.
Now, who's getting the shot? Okay, but you may have to give me the shot on my derriere.
Needles can't penetrate my electroimpalpable limbs.
Needles? Yeah, good one.
Try huge spikes.
They're wonderful and frightening, and they go into the sides of your neck, and they replace all your blood.
You get your blood back at the end of the summit, unless the "loss of life" thing happens.
Then we'll send your next of kin a big jug of blood and a very nice card.
Aah! Aah! Okay, I'm up.
Good morning, Dr.
Venture -- or should I say, "Rusty Venture"? Who are you? What do you want? We want the great Rusty Venture for our evil plan, because, uhuh -- because of, uh -- How awesome he is.
I am robot commander.
I am -- I am -- I am -- robo-bots -- robots -- robots, assemble! Don't assemble your robots! I'll talk! Just tell me what you want.
I love you.
Can we play a game? All right, I'll say it.
I hate all you guys.
I'm 4 feet away from the douchebag that turned us into a 2-headed monster, and I can't do dick about it.
What are you even doing here? We are representing The Revenge Society.
You have like five villains in your joke of a society.
You have no business here -- no business! Hold your horsemen.
We've also lost members to this Zeus menace! Welost our I.
And let me tell you, we just had our internet go down yesterday, and we are hobbled -- hobbled, I say! What the fuck are you looking at? I'm Tiger Shark? I represent the Peril Partnership? So what? The Peril Partnership's in, like, Canada.
How would I even know you? - Toronto? You broke my knees after I found you in bed with my wife.
Yeah, you had a little striped suit on.
Hey, I'm sorry, bro.
She told me that you were -- I'm gonna kill you! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, self defense! Lower them pop guns! Gentleman, I'm General Timothy Treister.
All of you have been assigned code names, while I have not, because I am special.
All of you are in peculiar underpants, while I am not, because I am special.
Questions? Put your hand down.
I'm not done.
We got an unidentified Greek God that has devastated our collective organizations.
This summit has been assembled to clean this mess up! I know all of you little girls don't want to play in the same sandbox, and I don't care! This is my sandbox.
Now let's dig in! Oh.
Oh dear.
He'sgone mad.
Who? Who's mad? Zero.
What is this guy saying? Oh, right, thank you.
Very helpful.
We were -- we were trying to help, trying to reward the thankless ones.
But he's mad.
Zero -- he -- he must be stopped.
Hey! Psst! Ghost dog! I have a guy dying in my arms over here.
What's your damage? I was discussing our little problem with a friend.
And I have a solution.
Do you want in, or do you want to die in the arena? I'm Shoreleave.
Call me Henchman Number 1.
Oh, just us.
Forget robot commander and the monster.
You and I can settle this thing right now.
You're my best friend.
That's why I feel I can trust you.
You're different.
Now, uh, I have a considerable amount of money.
I love sliding down rainbows.
Meth, crack, PCP? I can get you anything.
It'll be our little secret.
Let's cuddle.
You untie me, and I'll do things to you your girlfriend would never do.
I'll finger you while I suck the -- Wait! Shh! I hear them! You can't beat his balls with that.
It's just -- oh, come on! He just left you here? - Dean.
- Dean! I swear I'm gonna kill that kid.
You have Dean? You have my son? Umyeah.
Don't you touch him! Take me instead! Hey, that's -- that's pretty impressive.
We also have Hank! Okay.
Then just kill him, I guess.
Really? I mean, if you got to kill one of us.
Monster smash puny human! For the amusement of Zeus and our mutual pleasure, the battle continues! Fighting his second battle and living under the villain Pete White - Villain? I'm not a villain! - Billy Quizboy! I don't live under him.
Fighting for the first time and living under the hero Billy Quizboy, Pete White.
What the -- Billy is not the boss of me.
I am so your boss! Fight.
- What is with you, huh? - With me? I do everything for you, fella! You boss me around like you gave birth to me! Stop! Stop this fighting and fight one another! We want to see you fight! Stop fighting and fight! One -- in all reported cases, the abductor was Zeus, the Greek God of thunder and rock 'n' roll.
Yes, agents Kenan and Kel? We just want it on record that we don't like our code names.
Two -- in all cases, Zeus was floating before the abducted.
Explanations? Agent Kelly Clarkson.
Son of a bitch was wearing a jet pack.
If you read the brief, you would know that no latent fumes were detected.
Thank you for wasting the ink on my printer.
Yes, Agent Matthew Perry.
Mirrors, holograms.
According to the brief, there's no account of anyone actually touching Zeus.
He could have been a projection.
Oh, you beautiful, deflated man! Don't make me feel guilty for all the mean things I said about you in my blog! I read the supplied material.
Well, while your head is up there, can you take a look at my prostate? Daddy fears the cans-ker! Agent Orville Redenbacher! The abductee was under the influence of an hallucinogenic.
Not bad, Orville.
Agent Topanga Lawrence! Flight mutation.
You know, maybe the guy could actually fly.
Now I want you to -- what now, Agent Kenan? Okay, I'm just gonna throw this out there.
What if it is Zeus? The actual God Zeus, all pissed off that nobody cares about Zeus anymore? I'm just gonna just rule that one out.
Break up into groups.
I want lists and solutions by the time I finish this juice box! Warning -- I am thirsty! And it is fruit punch! And it is delicious.
Dean, can I come in? Sure.
You're not doing anything bad in there, like reading porn or having sex with a sock or something? Gross! No! You're not making fireworks or hiding a girl in there? No! Why the hell not?! Dean, it's time to grow up.
We got your father tied to a chair, Hank is out there probably bashing his nuggets, and you are in here, coloring in your little book! I don't want to bash my dad's nuggets.
I want to read.
Little mister, I want you out there, just whaling on your old man's balls! Maybe you can nail them to his chair or something! I -- this reading nonsense is unhealthy! The Centurion guy is freaking out! Hoplite.
Centurions are Roman.
Zeus is Greek, so it's "Hoplite.
" And that's why you'll never truly be cool -- that little tidbit.
No, sassy gay man.
You all must be brave.
Follow Henchman 1.
He is what is best in all Henchmen -- a hero with a number.
Henchman 1? You're not 21? Not today.
You four -- into the arena! For a bunch of deformed malcontents, you boys have cracked the peanut! Power of flight -- check.
Crippling emissions of light -- check.
Super strength -- check.
Gentlemen, meet our Zeus.
Of course.
Captain Sunshine.
Our men have him detained, but he's passed all our lie detectors and has an airtight alibi.
Also, he has no motive.
No motive? Please! That guy writes the Guild twice a week complaining about the rights of butlers and henchmen and sidekicks and the retired.
He would totally steal all our best men just to teach us a lesson.
You know, I used to arch him back the late '60s.
The '60s? What was he, 10? No! Well, Wonderboy there was.
That's not Wonderboy! The big one is Wonderboy! So uh, this is captain -- Sunshine, yes! The original! You idiots are holding the wrong Captain Sunshine! Had enough yet? All right! Just tell me what you want.
I love you.
Can we play a game? You had your chance.
No more games, no more bargaining.
Okay, then just tell me why you love Dean more than Hank.
I don't love Dean more than Hank.
You think this is the first time I've been tortured? This is amateur hour.
You've been hitting the bottom of my chair with a rope for an hour.
You have to cut the bottom of the chair out for that to work.
But you said to kill Hank.
You clowns aren't gonna kill anybody, and I knew that.
But, yeah, if you're gonna pretend to torture one of them, it should be Hank.
Because he is super tough, and Dean is just a massive wuss? Dean believes this crap.
He should have been Rusty Venture, boy adventurer.
Hank got this life thrown at him, and he fights against it -- just like I did.
Hank is like you? Pfft! I see so much of myself in that boy that I want to apologize to him for his existence.
He can't win.
He's a Venture.
He'll never shake it.
Let's cuddle.
Fighting his 14th battle and living under the villain the Monarch, Henchman 21.
It's Henchman number 1! No, it isn't! You're not number 1! Now! Get them! Don't let them get away! Run! Yes! Ooh! And wham! I don't want to die! Bravo, bravo.
Well done.
For act two, I'll kill you myself.
Run! Be free! Hyah! Hyah! Giddyup, boys! Let's go! Move it on out! Ride free, scientists! I have been waiting for so long to do this to you -- to punish all the incompetent henchmen and sidekicks who think they're heroes.
So how'd you get poor, old Desmond, the original Captain Sunshine, to help you? I told that senile, old fool we were having a fun get-together for all the poor, little underlings that the world forgot.
I will take it from here! Fight me, Zero! Really? You want another beating? Let's see what you're made -- Oh! Ow! Oh, my! Great plan, moron! Honestly, you haven't changed one bit -- not since the day you left me to die! Wait, you know this guy? Yeah, I do.
At first, I couldn't figure out his whole deal.
I was like, "who the fuck is Zero? Who has a number for a name?" Well, I do! All henchmen do.
Don't they? Don't they, Henchman number 1? Henchman number 1 is dead! I am Zero -- Henchman Zero, the avenging henchman.
Ah! I can't blame you for killing this guy before.
He is so into himself.
And now I get to finally exact my revenge.
So sorry about your plan not working out.
What? What, to throw an old Captain Sunshine at you? That wasn't my plan.
That is.
No way.
Stay away! I've done nothing to you! All right, this is what we do.
We -- we make a list of every place old Captain Sunshine has been in the last week or so and -- Oh, he's a butler! They watch "Iron Chef," then go to bed at 8:30.
Agent Matthew Perry! UhI don't know.
Hey, my arms feel like ants are living in my bones.
Not an answer.
Agent Topanga Lawrence! Huh? What, are we still doing this? General, our problem seems to have solved itself.
Hey, hot dog! Because this here train is out of steam.
You got to see what's going on topside.
Looks like an old commercial for Coke.
Yeah, but with less singing.
And more people in tights.
All the children children of the world could learn to love each other could be like sister and brother all the children every boy and girl are part of all the children all the children of the world are part of all the children all the children of the world Look, Ted, it's just hard.
I don't get to meet many women, and when I do, they play games.
I love you.
Can we play a game? Right, exactly.
They just move in, change your furniture, and start right in with the head games.
Hey, uh, don't you think we should let your old man go? Uh, soon.
I'm still waiting for his ransom checks to clear.

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