The Venture Bros (2003) s04e12 Episode Script

Everybody Comes To Hank's

There's a fridge full of Steak-ums, but you got to Microwave them.
I don't want you using the stove When we're gone.
Hank: You can't microwave Steak-ums.
They get all hard! Dean: If it's a choice Between this and the speed suit, I choose the speed suit.
Venture: Let me see my Junior scientist! Ahh, I wore that suit when I had My first new york assignment.
Ooh, if that suit could talk -- Hank: It would say "kill me! I'm a hideous monster!" Dean: See? Dr.
Venture: Your brother is Just jealous.
Hank: Oh, yeah.
I'm jealous that I don't get to Go to new york dressed as the Jamaican flag to work for no Pay.
Dean: It's an internship, Hank.
They pay you with experience and An impressive résumé! Yeah, I'm gonna load up the, X-1, doc.
Hey, soldier, you flying with Us? Dr.
Venture: Oh, no! He's staying right here, and He's getting a job by the time We get back.
Hank: I told you that's Gonna be no problem.
But I warn you that, unlike Dean, I will not be working for The man, and I plan on getting Paid.
Now, I've narrowed down my list.
Venture: Well, at least You crossed out mafia Don, Fire eater, traveling racecar Salesman, and my favorite -- Gigolo.
Hank: Once I found out it had Nothing to do with italian Ice cream, it lost its allure.
'sup, team venture.
Venture: Great! Dermott's gonna help you get a Job.
Uh, Mr.
, I have a Full-time job, and I teach Ninjitsu classes on the Weekends.
Hank: Technically, he wears That weird, padded giant baby Suit for a rape-prevention Class.
Venture: That's a huge Confidence builder.
All right, we got to get Going.
I don't want to have to fly at Night in the X-1.
I get the lights mixed up with The lasers, and then I end up Blowing stuff up.
I-I-I just don't want to blow Stuff up 'cause I can't see.
Venture: Hank, I get back In three days.
Four if hatred got "the music man" tickets.
OhhYeah, we got tickets! we got tickets to a broadway Show and that rhymes with "t" I'm gonna go get the x-one.
Venture: Four days, Hank, Dr.
Venture: Four days, Hank, and you better be employed.
Yeah, uh, what is a pop-top? Uh, we take a toaster tart, We shave off the top, and that's Served on a bed of kind of Crumbled toaster tart.
I'll have that and a -- fruit punch.
It's all we got.
All righty.
You have cherry? Well, maybe.
Maybe? What is maybe? Maybe is we have red.
Venture: Not quite what I Had in mind for employment.
Hank: I see you have an Interest in our fine collection Of remote controls.
Well, if you put your address on Our mailing list, we'll be sure To contact you when we get more In.
Venture: Hank, you know My address.
It's here.
I live here.
And I don't plan on buying back Any more of my remotes.
But I am coming back for my Shoes.
Hank: I hope we carry your Size.
Venture: Hank, you carry My size because those are all My shoes.
[ bell dings .]
Hank: I'm sorry.
I have another customer.
Banking needs? Dr.
Orpheus: Uh, no, I-I just Need a few things notarized.
Hank: That's two departments Down.
Dermott, finish up with this Gentleman.
All right, these are all Final-sale items.
Orpheus: Changing the Terms of my child support.
Remember when your wife used To screw you without paperwork? Dr.
Orpheus: That's very Appropriate for the boy to hear.
Hank: You hear a lot in my Line of work.
Okay, just sign here, initial Here, and here.
Nikki, don't be a douche.
Just come pick me up! Dude, what?! Dr.
Venture: Do you carry Double-a batteries? Hank removed all the batteries From my remotes.
I don't know.
Try the electronics department.
Mom was supposed to pick me up Two hours ago! You got to! Hank: And I assume you're the Third party? Compared to Mr.
Fun, I'm the Entire party.
Dude, my mom's freakin' Awol.
I need a ride home.
Hank: So, your mom's missing? Okay, meet me at that table over There.
One moment, gentlemen.
Venture: Mine, mine, Dr.
Venture: Mine, mine, mine, mine Smooth.
[ coughs .]
Buy you a drink? Are you seri-- Totally! What is this, apple juice? Hank: Only the best.
So, what's the score? Badger game? Blow some cabbage on a dirty Bang-tail? Dude, I can't find my mom, so I need a ride home.
Hank: Missing person? Okay, I'll take the case.
Now let's start from the Beginning.
Tell me everything.
[ thinking .]
it started out as Another case of "where's mommy?" Then it turned tail faster than A kicked pooch.
Either I'm being played for a Patsy or that palooka is Actually brook's kid.
[ knock on door .]
You gonna come in, or are you Looking for studs in the wall? If I thought there were studs Here, I wouldn't be sitting Outside trying to get a snack From café Hank.
Hank: Café's closed.
But if you just want to wag your Chin, grab some bench.
Ahh! When I moved in with orpheus, he Neglected to tell me that There's nothing around here open Past 8:30.
Ahh, the old private-dick game Huh? I'm more public and less private About the dick game these days, But because I'm bored out of my Gourd, let's hear the case.
Hank: Well, Dermott-- the big creepy kid you hang Around with? Hank: The same.
Well, he can't find his mom.
Solved! She picked him up four hours Ago.
You were right there.
Hank: Yeah, that was solved.
But when he was giving me the Facts of the case, he dropped a Bombshell right on my lap.
I found out something I can't Believe.
I -- I don't want to believe it.
Did he tell you he likes to Kill small animals? Because that kid's wa-eird! Hank: Right? I used to think that, too, but, No.
He comes out and tells me he Thinks his dad is Brock.
Get out! Really? Hank: Seriously.
And I don't know what to do.
Well, you have to solve this Case! That's what the sign is for! That's why you have the hat! That's why you have the whip! Wait.
Why do you have a whip? Hank: Came with the hat.
It's a detective's whip.
[ knock on door .]
In the back! Hey, has anyone seen Dermott? Hank: He left with your mom Like four hours ago.
I drove all the way from the Highlands.
You think he could've called me To tell me he got a ride.
Hank: You know Dermott.
He's not one for politeness, but He's a good kid.
If you don't get an apology, I'll make him buy you flowers, Deal? Deal.
What are you guys doing? Hank: Me and al have a job.
I'd bend your ear on it, but a Pretty dame like you shouldn't Get involved with this kind of Thing.
It's too dangerous.
Dangerous? Uh-huh.
No, seriously, what are you guys Doing? Hank: Scram, doll! I don't want to think about a Body like yours getting busted Up over this.
[ chuckles .]
Uh, hey, Hank, I just want to THank you for keeping Dermott Out of trouble and stuff.
Hank: Like I said, he's a Good kid.
Now drift, doll.
We got to get some work done.
Bye, Hank.
And, um al.
I'm his, uh, gal Friday, I Guess.
Right, right Oh, Hank, um, I don't think Dermott's going to apologize to Anyone, so, uh, why don't you Stop by with those flowers? Hank, you were amazing! When did you get so smooth? Hank: It's the hat! I have had a crush on Dermott's Sister forever! I've never said anything to her Before! she was on you like sid on Nancy! All right, Hank, I'm in.
I'll be your partner till we Solve this case or till I get Completely bored doing it! Hank: Me and al hit the dives Some info on this dame.
We had the kind of luck that Turns a professional gambler Into an amateur murderer.
Your basic boob ain't too keen On dicks.
When a bum sees a dick coming, He don't stick around for the Credits.
Seems this old broad wasn't so Popular with the men folk.
Every jobbie in this burg knew The old frail, but nobody copped To pitching woo.
Brock: Geez, can you blame Them? Look at this old townie.
Hank, what was that about the Bums not liking dicks coming? Ow! What! He-- he said that! Or was it boobs -- Ow! Brock: Sorry, Hank.
Never met her before.
She said I knocked her up? Hank: Her kid said you did.
Brock: What, are you friends With babies now? Hank: The baby's grown up.
This happened 17 years ago.
Brock: Oh, I thought now that You're hanging around with guys Like this -- what are you staring at? I -- I'm sorry.
Have we slept together before? um, no.
would you like to? Hank: Al, quit eyeballing the Nance.
We're on a case.
Brock: Yeah, I think I'd Remember this one.
I don't even want to think about What this mess looked like back Then.
Could not have been good.
Hank: Maybe on a lonely Night Brock: I've never been that Drunk, and I've never been that Desperate.
Sorry, kid.
[ horn honks .]
[ horn honks .]
[ ominous music plays .]
[ footsteps approaching .]
I just want to talk to you.
I -- I didn't steal those Games! They were defective so they're Just being thrown out! I'm not mall security! what -- so who are you? [ whip cracks .]
Hank: He works with me.
He's the alchemist, seeker of Truth.
you're a superhero guy and You're hanging out with Hank? look, pudgy mctalk-a-lot, I Just got dumped by my lover who Then tossed me out on my jobless Ass, so I had to move in with my Boring team member who lives in The 'burbs and never does squat! And I just -- I just told you Too much, didn't I! uh, dude, no [bleep.]
Hank: Geez, al, let the Palooka down.
We have a couple more questions About your case.
case? I needed a ride home, doofus.
What is this, "the case of my Mom forgot her cellphone"? Hank: No, wisenheimer! It's the case of "you tell us The truth or al will make your Dentist a rich man"! what are you -- Oh, right! Sorry.
Hank: You tell me your old Man is Brock Samson.
You think I'm gonna let that Slide? Huh?! I did some checking, and your Facts ain't adding up.
Samson's a ringer.
well, that's what my freaki" Morn told me, you douche.
Now let me go.
I got to get back to work.
come on, Hank.
He's a kid.
Don't make me hit a kid.
oh, yeah, like I'd even feel It.
You're like danny devito's Penguin.
[ coughing .]
Hey, man, my god! Take it down! Ugh.
My mom gave me this, all right? She said it was my dad's.
Okay? I'm telling you the truth.
Now I got to get back to work Before I get fired.
[ sniffles .]
I'm not crying.
he's telling the truth.
Hank: Al, go get the boiler.
no clue.
Car? Is that the car? Hank: Yeah, the car.
[ wheezing .]
Hank: I am way sorry for Making a grown-up punch you, Man.
What? That's cool.
You know, I actually stole those You know, I actually stole those video games, so I had it coming.
Hey, boss.
What can I get you? Hank: I see you made some Changes to my joint.
I got to tell you, it's Always been my secret dream to Run a hash house.
I am just loving this! Oh, and I made some adjustments To the menu.
So, basically, we, uh, just Serve eggs now.
Mostly scrambled.
And all with ketchup.
So, what can I get you? Hank: Cup of java? Two.
Two coffees coming up! Quizboy: Psst! Hank.
Psst! Hank.
Heard you're working the fictel Case.
Hank: Yeah, Dermott fictel.
He misses his old man.
Fingered Samson, but it's Starting to get rotten.
Quizboy: So you've met nikki? Nikki fictel? Hank: And how.
Quizboy: Yeah, she's a Looker, that one.
Gams straight up to heaven.
Great, now you're doing the Voice, too, huh? Quizboy: don't ruin this for Me, al! I've been eating eggs and Ketchup all day waiting to do This! All right, sorry! I mean, who am I to talk, right? Hank: So, what's your angle On the fictel doll? Quizboy: Nikki moves Antiques.
I've done some hefty exchanges With her.
She's a pretty big deal in that Racket.
She has some, let's say, Desirable merchandise.
Hank: She running a grift? Quizboy: It's on the Up-and-up.
But in my circle, when you can't Find something, and you got a Fistful of hot cabbage, you dial You get my mean? No.
I can barely understand Hank, and you do it with a Speech impediment.
Quizboy: Listen to me! I'm risking my life just talking To you.
I'm just saying that doll knows Something.
Billy! Want your leftovers boxed? Quizboy: Oh, come on! I was wearing a hat! Hank: [ thinking .]
Samson Denies he got sloppy with the Old dame.
Dermott insists that he did, Then coughs up an old key to my Front door.
Billy tells me to look at nikki.
Like he needs to tell me to Look at nikki.
[ sniffs .]
That gorgeous twist has my Noodle so full of perfume, I can Hardly tell I haven't washed This shirt since I took this Miserable case.
It's time I made a house call.
Orpheus: [ humming .]
let me ask you a question.
Orpheus: Sure.
It's the, uh "bewitched" question.
Orpheus: Oh, yes.
Why didn't darrin let samantha Just make them magically rich so He wouldn't have to be a Workaday whipping boy? Yeah.
Where do you stand on that one? Dr.
Orpheus: I can't make you Rich, al.
I don't want that.
It's just that You know how I can tell if People are telling the truth.
It's one of my gifts.
Hank has this case -- Dr.
Orpheus: I've noticed You've been, uhPalling around With the young lad.
That kid knows how to have Fun, orpheus.
You could learn something from Him.
Anyways, in this case we got Going, everyone is telling the Truth and none of it adds up.
I -- I kind of want to help him.
Orpheus: Well, we have These powers.
They are a part of us, and we Should never be ashamed or Afraid to use them for good.
So you'd, uh Dr.
Orpheus: I would make Darrin filthy rich, turn Mr.
Tate into a donkey, tell Endora to get a life, and blind That nosey mrs.
Kravitz! Excellent! Excellent! Okay, I need your help.
Hank: These are from Dermott.
He's working the overnight at The big bargains and wanted to Apologize.
You're so sweet.
You want to come in? Hank: Hey, that's my dad's Old cartoon crap.
What gives? I was a huge fan when I was a Kid.
Hank: Not the hat.
Is that your good-luck hat? Hank: don't know yet.
I'll tell you in the morning.
[ giggles .]
you're probably Sick of all this kind of stuff.
Hank: I'll tell you, doll, Old thaddeus venture didn't have The savvy to save any of them Doohickeys.
Well, that's ironic.
Hank: That's rusty.
You remind me so much of him.
Hank: You Daffy? Dean's just like my old man.
I'm the black sheep of the Venture flock.
I'm trouble.
No, I mean you're like rusty From the cartoon.
Your dad's a scared little Has-been, but you are just like The real rusty venture.
So cool.
So fearless and -- and powerful But trapped in the body of a Young man.
Hank: Sounds like you're Trying to seduce me.
And this old shamus can smell it When a chippy's pullin' a Flimflam.
What are you hiding? Nothing.
Well, I -- [ chuckles .]
I guess I'm hiding a huge crush On you.
Hank: I don't get involved With my clients.
I thought you just came here To bring me flowers.
Hank: Hat! Hat! Dr.
Orpheus: Sing your song! Reveal to us your mysteries! In the name of bachliel! Who guards the south wind! Dr.
Orpheus: In the name of Mithra! Who watches over love! Dr.
Orpheus: Tell us your Story! Morning glory! Dr.
Orpheus: Oh! Oh, relax, orpheus.
It was funny.
It'll still work.
Nikki, you can't raise a Child! What were you thinking? Were you even thinking?! Mom, please! I want to keep it! You're still in school! You're still a child yourself! What is your problem?! She's 15! Dr.
Venture: Did you expect Me to card her? She said she was 20! Look, she cacame on to me.
Things got out of hand.
I'm not proud of this.
Oh, you're not proud? You [bleep.]
the president of Your fan club! That must have been a real Challenge! A 15-year-old girl who worshiped You! You should be proud, you [bleep.]
Asshole! Dr.
Venture: Look, I'll pay You whatever you want.
Oh, you'll pay! Oh, hell, yes, you'll pay! You live in that huge mansion With your fancy jet planes! Oh, you'll pay! And you will never see this girl Or her baby ever again! Mom! Please! Dr.
Venture: Well, I think That's a decision nikki and I Need to make.
Nikki, take this, and you we'll Work this out together.
Wrong! She is 15! That's statutory rape.
You want me to call the cops and Have this settled publicly, or Do you want to crawl back to Your mansion, write us a check, And forget about all this? Dr.
Venture: Nickels I'm so sorry.
No! Don't go! Sweetie Sweetie, he is not worth it.
We'll have the baby if you want.
I'll raise it as mine.
We're gonna make it work.
I promise you.
All right? We're gonna be okay.
We're gonna be okay.
Orpheus: Dyah! Wow! JustWow! Dr.
Orpheus: I see why Samantha stayed out of Darrin's Business now.
I so did not need to see that.
I'm off the case.
Hank: You and me both, Partner.
Yeah, I slipped over to that Dame's joint to question her And things got hot.
What did she say? Hank: Say? Nothing.
But she did things to me that I Didn't think were possible.
That looker ran me through the Yard and lammed off with my Ticker.
Hank, take off your detective Hat and tell me what happened! Hank: I had sex! I had sex with a woman! And -- and nothing will ever be The same.
Because of sex.
You don't know the half of It.
Hank: And I have you to Thank.
And Dermott's super-hot sister, And this old key and -- Hank? Hank?! We never discharged the spell! Hank! Hank: Okay.
That's I didn't need to know that.
I am so sorry you just saw That! Hank: I'm gonna vomit.
Al, al, I'm gonna vomit.
Here, use your hat.
I'm pretty sure it started all This.
Hank: Are you sure this is The only answer? I mean, can't you take away Everything but the part when I Had sex? Ah, it doesn't work like That.
It just shaves away your last Memory patterns.
You can't select what you want To save, just how far back you Want to forget.
Sorry, tiger.
Hank: Maybe I can live with Sleeping with my dad's old Girlfriend and that Dermott is My half-brother, and -- no, no, no! All right, enough! I swear, if I hear any more, I'll want to get in the damn Thing.
Brock: Hank, it's cool.
You've done this before, like A lot.
Hank: Really? I don't remember.
Brock: Bingo.
You'll be fine.
Sometimes there are things we Just were never meant to know.
Okay already! I get it.
I've apologized enough.
And I'm getting in next because I've seen this whole sphinx Deal.
Uh, this is the second time You've seen this machine, Big boy.
[ gasps .]
You and I? And you let me erase that?! You got a little possessive.
I mean, you dumped your Boyfriend and tried to move in With me.
I dumped him? I thought he dumped me.
And you will again after Hank's done.
Brock: Hank, you ready? Hank: Wait, just -- just one More thing.
Brock: What? Hank: I got laid! Brock: You sure did, Hank.
You sure did.
Guess what.
I had sex! Ta-da! What was it like? Okay, it's kind of like naked Skydiving into a mountain of Warm whipped cream.
Yes, that good! I know! You don't believe me.
But you have to! Because I'm yesterday you! That's how I knew you'd watch This message immediately if it Was labeled " Dean face plant.
" Hank: That was a good move.
Hank: THank you.
But, dude, I got to make this Quick.
I'm about to get my memory Wiped.
Hank: Aw, gyp! Hank: I knew you'd say that, But trust me I mean, you are me, so you trust Me, but believe me -- you Learned a whole bunch of other Things you don't really want.
But the part where we lost our Virginity I needed to remember.
Hank: That is so cool.
Hank: You have no idea! I mean, you did have an idea, But now you don't.
What? Yeah, I'm ready! Oh, yeah.
And this is very important.
Get your ass to mars.
Hank: [ gasps .]
Hank: Nah! I'm just joshin' With me.
Coming! Hank: Hey.
How was your summer? Dean: Well, I think I may Have watched my career in Super-science go up in smoke.
But I may have managed to pull My dreams from the ashes.
How was yours? Hank: Well, from what I hear, It was amazing.
Dean: Have you seen pop? He left new york without even Saying goodbye.
[ energy whooshing .]
[ energy whooshing .]
[ dramatic music plays .]

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