The Venture Bros (2003) s05e03 Episode Script


5x03 - Sphinx Rising [ humming Sphinx theme song .]
Whoa! [ humming continues .]
[ grunting .]
[ tires squeal .]
I didn't really plan for this.
Freeze! This is Sphinx! - Brock: Gary? Come on, you idiot! - I swear I'm gonna reach down your throat and remove your heart and eat it.
A-are you part of Long division? Yeah, that's it.
Brilliant conclusion.
Brock: Nice.
We're undercover, moron.
We were undercover.
We've been wearing these sweaty-ass, stinking, spit-soaked masks for a week for nothing.
Brock: Good one, chubs.
The kid's dead.
So is Tom.
You killed an 8-year-old kid with the corpse of the only guy who knew where Long division's secret base was.
Aah! - That's so raven! - Brock: Gary, you better shoot me or something, 'cause I'm about to kill you.
You left me Sphinx.
What did you expect me to do? Honestly? Use the hot tub a couple of times.
Not run around like a long wolf fighting crime that we are - already fighting.
- Brock: Is this my crossbow? It makes me feel like a Wookiee.
Brock: No.
This is my crossbow.
Venture: [ scoffs .]
I get the mini-Cereals for variety, then Hank eats all the good ones, so now we have a pantry full of Product 19 and Special K.
Where's Hatred? What is this, the silent treatment? - Dean: Yes.
- Dr.
Venture: Ha! Made you talk.
[ distant rumbling .]
Oh, not again.
I'm getting real sick of that ex-henchman being a better bodyguard than the ex-villain I hired.
It's so depressing when you say it out loud.
Ah, look who's coming to save me.
It's the entire Sphinx team.
Grandpa, so bite me.
Whip the little guy out.
I'll got get Doc's microscope.
down there.
There's a damn Paul Muad'dib riding this worm, my friend.
You gonna help me blow up your old boss or what? She's coming in low and slow.
That's classic Monarch "look at my cool new thing" approach.
Should I ready the extinguishers? uses fire and lasers at night.
I got my money on acid or a magnet kind of thing.
Monarch: Ready the acid magnet! Bring her in nice and slow, Dr.
My Wife.
I want to give them plenty of time to panic and soil their pants! - 8th power and holding steady.
- Monarch: Creep in! Let them gather their hampers in preparation for a mighty wash load of fear-stained trousers.
And just as they start the pretreat Zap! Sizzle! Acid magnet! [ laughs maniacally .]
21: Just above the thrusters there that's a power coupling for the secondary externals.
Unless they plan on spitting at us through the windows, they're screwed.
Squeeze it.
Don't yank it.
- You're the one that yanks it.
- Monarch: Deploy the acid magnet! [ alarm beeping .]
Secondary externals are down.
- Monarch: Come on! That's impossible.
- I, uh think it might be 21.
Monarch: 21 is my most loyal man.
How dare you! [ sighs .]
Should we turn around maybe and cut our losses? - Monarch: Never! - 21: Okay.
Now he's in a panic.
He's gonna have to do something or he'll look like a total douche.
So, here's where he makes the incredibly bad decision to Monarch: Jettison the lunch room! - What is that, patio furniture? - 21: That is the lunch room.
There's some metal cases in there.
Could be explosive.
It's Wednesday, right? - Yeah.
- 21: Well, they're filled with buffalo wings, then, and we should totally collect the ones without dirt and lawn chunks on them, because they are awesome.
They're really tangy.
"Ex 'B' guy ISO good guys.
Tired of henching for a bad guy that doesn't appreciate you? Then join me in Sphinx.
" No, it's says Sphinx.
Well, what else could it mean? Dude, you call him.
I think he still hates me for finger banging Theresa.
Well, what do you call it? Oh, that's worse.
Oh, h-t-t-p, full colon no, the letter "h," then really? You just type the fine.
Uh, guildslist dot Yeah, that's it.
- "This is your chance" - "to make a change in the world.
" Yes, I'm reading it.
You haven't had to type that crap since the '90s.
[ baby babbling .]
Hold on.
Stephanie, Tyler's eating chapstick again.
It's not a tootsie roll.
It's chapstick.
I've had the same chapstick for five years.
He's gonna get the diarrhea.
Just take it away from him.
[ chuckles .]
Yeah, I know.
This is perfect.
Listen to this guy's crap.
"Sphinx is the premier" Hank: "Intermediate villainy deactivating service?" Way to make it completely confusing, Gary.
Viceroy?! You want me to call you that for real? Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
First off, I'd just like to congratulate you on your fine choice of candidate.
And I'd like to add this is so right! I'm so ready for Destiny! I can't wait to embrace her! [ chuckling .]
Whoa! It looks like Hank's got himself a little filly.
Isn't that sweet? [ sighs .]
I knew this day would come.
But, come on, Destiny? Destiny is a stripper's name.
That's a loose woman.
He's going to be having dangerous sex with a trollop that has "pray for us sinners" tattooed across her forehead.
Dean: This is ridiculous.
Dean, you have to pay the toll one great big hug.
Got to kill them with kindness.
Venture: Yeah, "kill him," not disembowel him with kindness.
Hank: I told you I can handle it.
I'm ready to be a man.
Venture: Oh, listen to him.
He's like his old man.
But he's too young for someone named Destiny.
He should be with a Pam or a Pamela.
- Or a Pammy, maybe.
- Pammy?! The boy is not ready for a damn Pammy! Hatred, you keep an eye on him.
Hank: Gary, my extra man, I'm golden.
Yes, I mean Viceroy.
Look, I've been in Sphinx before, and my record speaks for itself.
Yes, I'm ready to "fight super villains before they become super villains"? Is that what Sphinx has become?! Who the hell does this clown think he is?! What the hell?! Hold on.
Who the hell is that guy? He looks like Criss Angel.
Is that what you like now tacky crap? [ knock on window .]
Hey, hey, hey.
You're waking up the whole block with that screaming.
- What are you doing? - My girlfriend lives there.
Why are you still screaming? [ knock on window .]
[ scoffs .]
Hold on! Michael, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, Theresa! I'm on the phone.
There's really good reception here.
So, uh, hold on a second.
Okay, I'm ready to join Sphinx Monarch: "and make a change in the world.
No attitudes.
in off time.
Drama free.
" That doesn't sound remotely familiar? Monarch: No, but it's hilarious.
Hey, you want me to read "missed connections" or "casual encounters" next? Seriously, that didn't sound like 21 wrote it? Monarch: 21 is on a vision quest.
You're paranoid.
What is this made of? It's so smooth.
It even feels like skin.
It tells me how it feels to be new.
Does yours have a weird pee-pee smell? Yeah, like a like a gerbil cage.
[ toilet flushes .]
Ready? Ta-Da! I'm a Brooklyn Beardo.
Monarch: You look like Zach Gala finakius.
I thought you were gonna be a hot chick.
It's gonna take more than a hot chick to get into the Venture compound and plant explosives.
So, how are we doing this? Monarch: With our Scooby-Dooby-Doo magic masks.
I don't care.
We'll wing it.
[ sighs .]
Get your disguise on.
Monarch: Disguise.
I'm a super villain.
All I have is my sweet-ass costume.
You have nothing that isn't a Spandex butterfly costume? Monarch: I don't know.
I have a bathrobe, foul-weather gear, and a winter coat.
Oh, and some gag T-shirts from my bachelor party, maybe.
Listen up, recruits.
My name is General Gathers.
I'm mommy in this play school.
Welcome to the new O.
familiar with the old Sphinx? Okay, wow.
That's great.
Well, we don't chase the O.
around once a week for the press anymore.
After the pyramid wars, all this junk became new Sphinx, and what we do now is we fi Dude, you can put your hand down.
- Uh, where's the bathroom? - 21: Do you need to push a mess? No.
That's gross.
It's tinkles.
- 21: Tinkles? Well, if it's wicked-bad - There's the door! You're afraid of blood? There's the door.
You want to stay and fight? Well, we know the enemy.
We have their names, faces, turn-ons, turn-offs, and dream dates.
They've grown fat and lazy.
We are hungry dogs! at the work stations is okay, but, seriously, nothing that gets goo or crumbs on the panels.
You know, think slim jims and protein bars.
Cream puffs! They're not warriors.
We'll be the ticks on their dogs, the lint in their dryers, and the crust in the corner of their eyes.
The guild is the enemy.
It's time to Okay, let's get creative here.
How about Wind song master of the fighting arts.
Diamond backdraft lord of the legless beasts and keeper of their fire form.
Sphinx Commander mythic mastermind I'm Sphinx Commander.
But you said you're the Viceroy.
Way to be confusing.
Okay, I'm Mr.
Daddy warlord of "the Children of the Corn" or whatever.
you big baby.
What about you? Hank: Because this is my Destiny, I shall take the name Destiny.
"Rock of Love's" name, but whatever.
You know, I'm pretty sure wind song is a perfume, anyways.
All right, Sphinx.
Let's get Both: out there and fight the good fight! [ intercom buzzes .]
Monarch: I'm boiling in this costume.
- I'm dressed like an Eskimo.
- Inuit.
Monarch: I am totally into it, just hot.
No, they're called Inuits, not Eskimos.
Would you stop whining and take off your parka? [ parka unzips .]
Venture: "Beaver inspectors"? - Monarch: Uh, yeah.
- Nice move.
- Dr.
Venture: Is this a joke? - Joke? Look, pal.
Beavers are destroying your home, so you just keep laughing while they build a dam with what used to be your basement.
Venture: Beavers? Please.
That shirt means you want to inspect a you know vagina.
Monarch: Whatever.
We could just leave, I guess.
- Did you just say vagina? - Monarch: You probably have another week before this whole structure comes down.
Not our problem.
I guess you can just sign here to prove that we warned you there were Dr.
Venture: Fine.
This is all I need.
Okay, meet me around back.
Monarch: Ow! What? We kicked ass.
I am gonna spread some mustard on this baloney.
It's gonna stop now! I am a good guy now.
- Why can't you believe that? - Once a bad guy, always a bad guy.
- 21: You were a bad guy, too, you idiot.
- Uh all right.
Listen, I'm here to talk to Hank about Destiny.
I'm worried about him.
I mean, he's in over his head.
He's ready to enter Destiny.
And I'm gonna show him how.
I've done it already.
That is perverse! I insist on meeting this Destiny character.
Destiny, front and center.
Sweet Christmas! She is a lively one.
I can see the attraction.
strength suits and ninja-guy outfits? They they were in the back in the command-gear hold.
Why doesn't anybody tell me this stuff? Hank: I am a Golden Goddess.
Gary, check this out! [ whipping, crash .]
Well, that's Destiny.
Unless you have some other business, visiting time is over.
Why don't you make me leave? [ guns cock .]
Uh metaphorically.
Hank: [ screams .]
[ door opens .]
Just enjoying your report on Long division.
Thinking of optioning it to Robin Williams and Jim Carrey.
All right.
I'm gonna pretend we can explain Don't bother.
You get your cover blown by a "Gary" that kills Short division with another guy he killed, and then you fill up Gary's pillowcase with snicker bars and send him home?! Come on.
Short division was an 8-year-old that smoked two packs a day and shot his henchmen when the cussed.
- The kid was an a-hole.
- Brock: Look, we didn't get to the secret base, but Long division is hobbled.
- All we need to do is - All you need to do is tell me what the [bleep.]
a Gary is and explain why he's not in a body bag.
Brock: You remember that Ex-Monarch henchman that we gave Sphinx to? Well, he thinks he's a crime fighter now, and, uh, he's good - enough at it to - Burn my ass! Clean this mess up.
I don't want to hear the word "Sphinx" again.
Go tell that deranged, giant man-baby that playtime is over.
You need to be briefed and trained.
Oh, and I'm gonna order personal pan pizzas for everyone any two toppings.
Hank: I'm watching my figure, Gary.
Salad? No offense, Viceroy, but we've been at this game for a long time.
We fought in the flippin' pyramid wars.
I didn't know you guys were Ex-O.
All right.
We're just gonna jump in.
I made some workbooks.
Viceroy, no workbooks! Sphinx, evil awaits! I'm calling forth the mighty Khafra the man-faced lion that reigns over the heavens.
- 21: How do you guys know this stuff? - Um, push the big red button? Dr.
Venture: So, what are we looking for? Monarch: Aquatic rodents, Tad structural damage, feces, crab-apple sized dung balls brown mostly, white if they're old.
Yeah, most of your homes are infested with paper beaver, but you have a red well beaver at this station.
- Dr.
Venture: How can you tell? - Monarch: Watch.
- A-ow-wee-kee-kee-kee - What my partner is doing is making the sound of a hungry paper beaver pup.
If you had paper beavers, they'd be here by now, and you'd smell their lactations.
They have a pungent, syrupy breast milk.
Venture: I've never noticed anything like that down here.
- Monarch: Of course you haven't, Tad.
- Dr.
Venture: It's Thaddeus.
Monarch: Yeah, Tad, once you see them, it's too late.
Give me a hand here.
You got to get them at the larval stage.
- Dr.
Venture: Beaver larva? - Well, it's a baby like a baby, but a baby beaver.
A little baby beaver.
Monarch: Yeah, these are, uh, beaver deterrents.
They emit a high-frequency pulse that beavers just hate.
- It drives them nuts.
- Dean! Hey, hey, Dean! Dean: Don't you know how to knock? I wasn't sure you were in here with all these lights off.
It's like a damn mausoleum.
- Dean: Well, what do you want? - Your help.
I suck at this bodyguard thing.
Brock's watch keeps beeping "explosives present," your brother's fornicating with Destiny, and Gary's got a militia, you're burning candles, you got those cutting scars Dean: Huh? Oh, I got my arm caught in a Caught in a web of sadness.
I know that you cut to feel something, Dean to feel anything.
- Dean: What are you talking about? - I'm not legally allowed to hold you, but I am sworn to protect you, Dean.
[ mechanical whirring .]
What the heck?! He's upped his game.
Let's go! Sphinx Commander, target located, course is plotted.
I'm Sphinx Command - Wait.
What target? - No! I'm Sphinx Commander! - You're just a usurper playing dress-up.
- 21: Oh [bleep.]
You guys are old team Sphinx.
I knew it.
I'm such a retard.
Oh, you really are.
It was embarrassingly easy to do this.
Hank: Great.
Right when everything gets super cool Hush, my sweet countess.
Daddy's back.
Everything is just as it was.
Listen, I'm old hat at kicking addictions, Dean.
Little boys, obsessive relationships, booze, and nail - biting I kicked them all.
- Dean: Mr.
Hatred, I just have some things to work out.
I'm not addicted to anything.
Denial is the first sign of addiction.
[ beeping .]
Ah, we have a winner.
Swing that light over here.
When Uncle Hatred was a villain, he used this kind but in green.
Monarch crew used to steal crap from us and paint 'em yellow, so looks like we discovered Gary's little plan.
- Dart-19, what is your position? - Oh, hey, Hunter.
Yeah, we're in, uh, my room listening to records.
Brock's gonna french braid my hair.
Well, then, don't bother going to Sphinx H.
Sphinx H.
is heading straight at us.
Straight at baby girl! Switch your radar to Delta 4.
Brock: Rerouting for intercept.
All right.
You're on scene.
Now take her down.
And if you don't, baby girl will.
Over and out.
Brock: This is unbelievable.
Ugh, what is Gary's damage? He is destroying my reputation worse than that jock I dated in high school.
Venture: Of course the science racket isn't always serious.
Look it's a molecular redistributor, and I'm sitting on it like a horse.
[ chuckles .]
Brock just had to get the camera.
Monarch: [ chuckles .]
So, who are the little girls? Dr.
Venture: Oh, those are my boys raggedy Ann and Andy for Halloween that year.
They grow up so fast.
Well, if you let them, I mean.
[ door opens .]
Doc! Doc, I think Oh.
Doc, I need to talk privately.
We have some problems that might be explosive.
Venture: [ sighs .]
Gentlemen, I'll be right back.
My butler doesn't quite know his place yet.
Monarch: There's a picture of Venture dressed as Rambo.
You got to see this.
You will piss yourself.
Um, sweetie, Hatred found the explosives.
Did you not catch that? Monarch: What the [bleep.]
is this?! Dr.
Venture: He did what?! Get your crap.
We can leave through the back.
21: Why are you old guys doing this? Revenge? So, you wait 30 years for me to put out a want ad? You want the truth? You're gonna hate it.
I don't even like talking about it.
I'm clearly not busy here.
Sphinx was pretty serious.
Yeah, we got our asses kicked by O.
all the time, but we were hard core.
When you join Sphinx, we put a cyanide chip right in your brain.
my old job was nuts.
Well, you can't get these things out.
And they don't last forever.
We all have maybe a year left to live, so when your ad came up, we figured we could go out like Sphinx.
Flame it.
Hank: Well, we have nothing to do with your acid head problem.
- Why can't you just let us go? - It would ruin the Commander.
You look just like the Countess in that outfit.
After she left him, he hasn't been the same.
Yeah, that was her strength suit.
Hank: Totally forgot it was a strength suit.
I'm gonna try and find the engine room.
You had bad hit of blotter and killed someone 'cause he learned your terrible secret? Maybe you masturbated with a Furby.
What could be so bad? - Dean: I just know a little too much.
- You want to rap about it? Dean: You want me to make up a rhyme? No, I was trying to be a Dean, growing up is hard.
It's supposed to be.
You're not like anyone.
You're you're Dean.
- And you're the best Dean.
- Dean: Huh.
That almost helps.
So, what? We leave them here? - Yeah.
That'll send a message.
- Steady on course.
Monarch: I-I-I don't remember this at all.
You are gonna have to get over that damn photo.
I can't run this alone.
Monarch: Look, look! That is me in that picture.
I'm playing with Dr.
Playing! Wee! Fun! Yay! And who's that in the background? Oh, nobody just my parents.
Yes, fine, that's nuts.
Can we talk about this later? Monarch: I don't remember any of this! Blondie, Sailor Boy, this is Smoke Stack.
Target is locked in.
We will open fire if you do not respond.
Damn it, you two.
Brock: Smoke Stack, this is Blondie.
Hold you fire.
I'm in position.
Hold you fire.
Just give me 10.
Give 'em hell, son.
You heard 'em, kiddies.
Stay frosty.
[ mechanical whirring .]
Hank: All right, weirdo, the game is over.
Knock this crap off, or I will go karate bananas on you! Countess! Soon the O.
will be destroyed, and we can finally be together again.
Hank: Look, seriously, I will karate you.
That is entirely not necessary.
Ah, I remember kicking your ass when I was a kid.
[ grunts .]
- Still fun.
- 21: Dude, the old Sphinx Crew is gonna attack the O.
any second.
Communications are down and we're using these.
- What is that? - 21: It's a shake weight, I think.
I can't find anything else.
I can't even find [bleep.]
Have you seen Hank? Nice job, Gary.
You are in so much trouble.
Brock Samson.
It's just like old times.
I thought you went into the private sector.
Brock: Things change.
So, you and the Countess figured you'd take the jalopy out for one last ride? - Hank: Brock, it's me, Hank.
- Brock: Hank? What are you doing here, and why why are you on his lap? Hank: He needs my bosom, Brock.
Plus, the suit is frozen.
I can't move.
My Countess forgot that her suit is programmed to never hurt her man, so put the crossbow down.
Brock: Hank, uh, can you close your eyes? - Hank: Of course.
- Brock: Then do it.
[ splat .]
- Hank: I can't open them yet, can I? - Brock: Nope.
Come on, man.
Oh, who's gonna feed my snakes? Wow.
It's so depressing.
Just look at him.
I suddenly get why my Dad used to say, "I'm not gonna punish you.
You've punished yourself enough.
" Hank: My Dad likes to punish us while we punish ourselves.
[ sighs .]
Brock: You know, I was thinking that this kind of looked better on you.
You work it like a Wookiee.
[ up-tempo music plays .]
Oh, I've been waiting to do this for 30 years.
- Position artillery! - Arm all explosives! Monarch: Wait for my mark! I want them to see us.
Monarch again.
It's exhausting.
You want me to go out there? [ scoffs .]
What are they gonna do? Drop a dinette set on my lawn? - Monarch: Detonate the explosives! - Fire all canons! Dr.
Venture: What the hell was that? I don't get it.
It looks like we just blew up Sphinx for the last time.

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