The Venture Bros (2003) s05e04 Episode Script


5x04 - Spanakopita Fascinating! You were right, Rodney! The wreck of that old trireme - is full of ancient drachmas! - Heck, that's great news, Doc.
- But we've got a wedding to get to! - Jackie O! I'd almost forgotten.
! Stow those for me, would you? - I slayed the Minotaur! - "Slew.
" You slew the Minotaur, Rusty.
And I brought you along to Greece to expose you to the classics, not to play - "mad monsters party.
" - Ahoy! Last party boat to Skorpios! - Action! - Uh, now, don't wait up, Rust.
Daddy won't be back till late.
Plato's "Republic," books 1 through 4, and then straight to bed! - Spanakopita! - The greek spinach - Pastry? - The greek festival! Three days of fun in the sun on the most secluded island in Greece Spanikos! I first discovered its sultry pleasures as a young boy.
You might even say I had my first "solo adventure" there.
- Is that a euphemism? - Get your mind out of the gutter, White, and into the sparkling seas and shimmering sands of Spanikos! I haven't missed a Spanakopita in 20 years.
And this year, it just so happens that two slots have opened up.
Hank's got his rock-'n'-roll concert, and Dean's got, um - Plans.
- Now, that's a "euphenism.
" - So, what do you say? - Count us in! - I don't think so.
- What?! - Why? Why don't you think it over while I refresh your Doc-tails? Billy, you had the hot mummy, right? White, another slim gin fizz? Eh, still working on my first.
Look, Billy.
It's not the best time - for us to just pick up and leave.
- It's a perfect time! - We've got nothing going on! - Yeah, but as the gravy's manager, - I should really be at the gig.
- Producer.
You're not our manager.
- Well, we can talk about that at the gig.
- No, we just talked about it.
- You're not our manager.
- Well! - Do we have a verdict? - Thanks, but no thanks, Rust.
- Oh, come on! What's your problem? - You come on! Fun in the sun? Sparkling seas? What do I have to spell it out for you people? I am an albino! This isn't a fashion choice.
My body literally hates the sun, - on, like, a molecular level.
- Come on! We'll get you a hat and a bucket of zinc oxide.
It'll be awesome! Spanakopita! Usually, there's someone here to where the hell is the X-2 - What the hell is my brother doing here? - Don't he usually come to this? No, he wasn't even born long story.
- Boys! Let's go! You coming or what? - No, Greece isn't on the Equator! It's like the same latitude as Virginia! - Aye! - Huh? - Is this great or what? - Uh, it's not quite what I hey, uh, - how'd you find this place, anyway? - Got lost at sea when I was a little kid.
It was days before my father found me.
But lucky for me, I washed up - here, during Spanakopita! - Aye! Spanakopita! - Spanakopita! You know, I looked online last night.
I couldn't find - a thing about this place.
- Oh, yeah, that's 'cause they don't - have internet on the island.
- Wait.
No internet? Oh, this keeps - getting better and better.
- It'll be good to get back to nature for a while.
Billy, you practically turned feral the last time our cable went out.
That was the "Runway" finale! - Spanakopita, Giorgos! - Aye! Dr.
Venture! Spanakopita! And who is this? I thought I tell you never tell - any outsider about Spanakopita! - Heh well, I just thought I kid you! Any friend of Rusty is a friend - of Giorgos! Welcome to Spanakopita! - Spanakopita.
- Are they gonna keep doing that? - So, is my usual room ready? Oh, I'm so sorry.
A wealthy American, he come in your Venture boat - this morning, offer Giorgos more for room.
- Ugh! - Freaking Jonas.
- The, uh, imperial suite, she is still available.
- Imperial, eh? Is it nice? - Oh! Much nicer room.
And only maybe, uh, $200 more.
Friend price for you! - Hey, I'm smelling a bait-and-switch here, Doc.
- Oh, don't be such an ugly American, Hatred.
Bring the bags up.
Oh! Heh, hello.
Didn't expect to see you here, Mr.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no.
- Well, hello, Quizboy.
Cloud?! How the hell did you find us? - A little bird told me.
- Hey! He's got a Bubo! The Bubo.
Harryhausen's a friend.
But, of course, even Bubo pales in comparison to my latest acquisition the original team Venture X-2 super-hydrofoil, painstakingly restored it to its former glory.
Gaze upon it, Quizboy.
This is the closest you'll get to the real thing outside of a picture on a V.
It's near mint! And you're wrong on two counts, St.
That's not the original X-2.
- The original - Was destroyed and rebuilt in 1968.
- Don't even try to out-trivia me, Quizboy.
- I already did once.
it's as debatable as your Ebay top seller rating, which I fully intend to destroy, just as soon as I finish destroying your vacation.
Doc! - Get off of him, you - Hatred! No! Stop! What the hell are you doing? They're the welcoming committee! It's a Spanakopita tradition! Spanakopita! Spanakopita! Spanakopita! How much for the full chair package? Spanakopita! - Spanakopita! - Geez.
You know, I've known Rusty for like 20 years, - and I have never seen him like this.
- What happy? - I know.
It's kind of creepy.
- Yeah, speaking of creepy, I think my skin is suffocating.
You got to leave a bare patch when you put the zinc on.
- Please! That's a total myth.
- Is not! - What you've never seen "Goldfinger"? - Did somebody say "Goldfinger"? I see you recognized my outfit, as worn by Mr.
Gert Froebe in - the pivotal poolside bridge sequence.
- St.
Cloud, you - poisonous snake! That belongs in a museum! - Mm, a much larger man, Froebe.
I, of course, had to take it in.
There was even enough left over to make Pei Wie a pair of little matchy pants.
Well, there goes my appetite.
Ah! Smile, my friend! What you no have good time at Spanakopita? Uh, no.
I was, uh, just wondering this, uh, alleged Spanakopita.
- What is it like, a saint's day or a harvest festival? - Is harvest, yes.
- We celebrate the harvest.
- Mm.
'Cause I'm looking around, and, uh, it doesn't seem like much of anything grows on this island.
You think too much, my friend! Eat! Drink! - Make merry, my friend! For tomorrow, the games begin! - Games? - To see who gets that crown.
- Crown, you say? Giorgos, how much for the Spanakopita crown? I'll pay top dollar.
Oh, no.
Crown is not for sale.
Must win crown in Spanakopita games! - Which you won't.
- We'll just see about that.
You want to put your money where your mouth is? A wager, then? Very well.
How does $1 million sound? - I-I don't have that kind of money.
- Of course you don't.
That's why if I win, - you give me the X-1.
- Uh deal! Ha! Sucker! You just got hustled by the all-time Spanakopita king! - 20 times Running.
- You don't want to make an enemy of me, Dr.
Venture that is, not if you expect to be invited back after I buy this place.
Oh, you're right.
That is unpleasant.
Every Spanakopita start with Running of the goat race.
First man to make it to beach, he wins the drachma! And we all know, the man with the most drachma at the end of the festival, he is crowned king of Spanakopita! - Spanakopita! - Ah, yeah.
- Maybe you shouldn't have tied one on last night.
- Please.
I could beat that pasty sorry, White that doughy, little rich kid in my sleep.
- I got this.
- Ready? Let the games begin! What?! Wait a minute! That's cheating! Excuse me, but he's Oh, hey, what's this, now? - Hey, I'm not dead over here! - Quickly, Pei Wie.
Use your parkour! Parkour! Sucker! Mm.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Poor, deluded Dr.
If you want to fix a horse race, you have to buy all the horses or, in this case, the goats.
- Yay.
No touching.
- First, he steals my room, now he's trying to steal my Spanakopita crown! He's ruining my vacation! - Oh, like he's making ours a joy.
- Like it was so great - to begin with.
- Some wingmen.
You two have got - to do something about him.
- What?! Why is this our problem? Because he's your arch enemy! I can't get involved.
- He's my best customer.
- All right, just stop waving that huge rock at me! - How are you even doing that? - Pumice, for the Pumice carving competition? - Don't you read the itinerary? - Look, talk to the Giorgos guy, - just get him to kick him out or something.
- Good luck.
- These people love him.
- They love me! Now, you fix this, damn it.
- Whatever it takes! Or you can both walk back home! Yeah, well, so can you, genius! You just bet your freaking plane! Come on, Hatred! The sponges await! Eh, thanks.
Don't think I'm up for sponge diving, Doc.
- Too many cigars for these old lungs, you know? - Ah, your lungs look pretty healthy to Giorgos, my friend! You keep your lungs away from the goat.
Maybe they try to feed on you! - Hey.
Why you calling me, man? - Hey! Yeah.
Sorry to bother you, but, uh, we're at this Spanakopita thing - Spanakopita! - Yeah.
And so, why I'm calling is, uh, can't put a finger on it, but something just seems downright fishy about this operation.
- Let it go.
- Uh, how's that? - Whatever you're thinking, just let it go.
- But they're shifty! Uh, they're sneaking around all hours of the night, and everything's so ding-dong - overpriced, they must be funding a terrorist plot! - Let me ask you - something.
Is Doc having a good time? - Well, yeah, but Then let him have this.
It's, like, the high point of his whole year.
- Don't go chasing waterfalls.
- Hello.
Brock? - Nico, say hello, Brock.
- Uh, what's that? Right away, general! Uh, yeah, I got to go.
- No no Brock? - Okay.
Is good spot.
Now, for every sponge you find, you win the drachma! The man with the most drachma after five minute, he win! Ready? What? This is how they did it in olden times! - Set! - Will you stop? - Go! - Whoa! - Four! - Hey, Giorgos? Little help-ski? Oh-ho! Big man catch big sponge! I think we have the winner, yes? Again.
Mighty Zeus, we have found Rusty! There! On the island of Spanikos.
- He appears to be having fun? - He's supposed to be studying the classics.
He must be punished.
Release the Kraken! Roar.
Harryhausen's a friend.
- Billy! Mount me! We'll fight him together! - This is so weird.
Hey, it's your dream, pally.
Oh, and by the way, I part my - hair on the other side? - Will you two shut up and take care of this? - He's ruining my vacation! - Put some condos there.
- Here.
Have some money.
- Aah! Hot potato! - Screw this! - No! Where are you going?! Go back! Stop! This isn't Icarus! You've got the wrong myth! White! White! I've got it! I know how we can beat St.
Cloud! Uh Pally? A little harder.
Oh, that tickles.
Why are you stopping? I don't care what you heard.
I'm not finished.
Think about it.
What's the source of all of St.
Cloud's power? - His m-m-magic wigs? - His m-m-money! - We take that away, what's he Got? - Big yacht and a private ninja? - Okay, maybe those things.
- Sweet Goldfinger outfit? - Irregardless! - Eww.
Regardless! On this island, they don't take checks, and they don't take American express, so he's got to have a stash somewhere on the X-2.
Why didn't we just walk across the dock? Well, 'cause this is way cooler! Whoa! Look at all this stuff! - It's like a floating Planet Hollywood! - Selfish prick! - At least Planet Hollywood is open to the public.
- Oh, look! - That thing from "Raiders"! - Damn it, White! Will you get on the same page with me, already? Fine.
Look I found his safe.
You happy now? You know how to pick one of those? Crap.
False alarm.
There's nothing in here but - those stupid drachmas.
- Hey, is that the clown from "F/X 2"? - White, wait! - Ohh! We did it! High five! Aha! I knew you crumb-bums were up to something! Spanakopita's all just a front for - Uh, whatever this is.
- Bah-bah-bah-bah.
Put your gun down, my friend.
I tell you the whole truth about Spanakopita, same I tell Brock first time he come snooping.
While we struggle just for food, richest people in the world come to Greece for big wedding.
All those fancy yachts oh, my friend! - who could resist such temptation? - This game's called "Trojan horse.
" I'll be the Greeks, and you be the Trojans.
Now, I get inside the horse, and you bring it into Troy.
We make good plunder that night Enough to feed our families.
We take back to Spanikos to celebrate.
But we no expect to find little boy in trunk! I recognize him from newspaper son of big american scientist.
So we make plan for ransom, for big american money! We try to call Dr.
Venture the senior, tell him our demands.
But he no answer! I've bested you, Venture.
Do you yield? - Go to Hell -ron, l.
Ron! - Jonas! Help! - Action-n-n-n! Engrams! G-get out of my head! Don't you know a feint when you see one? Kidnapping the former first lady was all but a distraction - from my real target.
- "Apollo?" the Apollo 7, scheduled to splash down today! Wally's on that mission! Rusty, he miss his papa very much.
After three day, he cry so much, we feel terrible inside.
No, no, no.
Why do you cry, little one? No one should ever be sad at, uh - Spanakopita! Yeah? - S-spanakopita? So we invent festival.
Then Rusty is happy, and we are happy so happy, when father finally come, we forget all about ransom! After 20 years, we forget about Spanakopita, forget about Rusty.
Then one day, he just show up, and he come back every year since.
So, uh, there is no Spanakopita.
- Isn't there? - Well, there's the spinach pie, but No.
You would tell him there's no Spanakopita? You would break a lonely, little boy's heart? - Billy? You awake? - White, where are you? - What did that monster do to us? - B-Billy, the s the sun is coming up! Oh, my gosh! My god.
You stay with me, White! I'll get you out of this! Too tight! I can't get loose! Bubo? What the [bleep.]
Pei Wie? Why is he helping us? The albino code a covenant more sacred than his loyalty to St.
Namaste, Pei Wie.
Oh, here it comes! Hurry! Hurry, Billy! Billy! Hurry! White! Get with me! Oh-ho-ho-ho! I think we have the winner! Yes, it arrived this morning, George.
Thank you.
Yes, yes.
And may it also be with you.
Can we get on with this? - I'd like my crown and my X-1 now.
- Where is boy Cyclops and the Ghost man? They're all tied up.
No, wait they were too burnt out to join us.
Okay, then everybody count up your drachma and we see who win crown.
Useless formalities.
Pei? Give him my drachmas.
Look! What the hell happened to you? - The winner! - In your face, St.
Cloud! Oh, yay.
A pyrrhic victory.
You see, once I learned of your duplicitous collusion, I arranged with Giorgos here to buy Spanakopita.
What?! See you next year, "D"-bags.
Oh, wait no, I won't.
- Come, Pei Wie! - What? G-Giorgos, how could you? Oh, Dr.
We Greeks, we have a saying "why sell a man your best goat when you can just wrap up spinach and feta in a phyllo and call it a goat instead?!" - You see? - It's all Greek to me.
I think what he's saying is, uh, the only thing old St.
Cloud owns is a couple million bucks worth of spinach humble pie.
So you're not mad at me for winning your crown? No, Billy.
There's always next year, right? No [bleep.]
way! You see, Dr.
Venture, is all a big misunderstanding.
Here take some olive oil, - uh, for your trouble.
- Well, like I always say, "oil's well that ends well!" - Indeed! - Kano? Take Rusty outside, would you? I'd like to compensate these fine gentlemen for their time.
- Bye-bye, Giorgos! - Bye-bye, Rusty! - Horace? Lock the door.
- Oh, no-no-no-no! Some day, Dr.
Venture, I swear I will make you pay! $2,002, $2,003, $2,004
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