The Venture Bros (2003) s05e05 Episode Script

O.S.I. Love You

5x05 - O.
Love You [ ice tinging .]
[ deep voice .]
My dear? To us! [ scoffs .]
Couldn't have asked for a bigger target.
Hey, why don't you - give me a hard one? - Is that an invitation? Brock: Orders are we take him alive, headshot.
Monstroso's got intel we need.
- Uh, well, what about hit girl there? - Brock: No! We need her alive, too.
Why? So you can screw it up and lose her all over again, Samson? - Brock: Hey, screw you, headshot! - Not even with his dick.
- S'matter, Samson? You still sweet on her? - Don't taunt him, babe.
Brock could never love such an awful, lying bitch person.
Babe, what have I told you? No touching while I'm aiming.
Gonna be okay, sport? Can't be easy for you to see - Molostro again.
- Brock: I'm fine.
"Molostro?" Yeah, it's my celebrity couple name for them.
Or do you like "Monstrotov" better? Brock: All right, sky pilot.
Let them know we're here.
- We seem to have uninvited guests.
- Cocktease: Shall I - show them out? - No, my dear.
Let's give them a show.
Brock: Aaaaaarrghhh! So, finally caught the big bad wolf and little red killing hood.
Well, whoop-de-friggin'-doo! Bet you're - real proud of yourself.
- Brock: All in a day's work.
- Work! Is that what you call it? - More honest work than whatever the hell you gestapo - federale I.
suit jockeys do for a living! - Uh, okay.
Ah, just take it easy.
We're just trying to get to the bottom of this.
Well, then you're asking the wrong guy, because I am clearly a top! Oh, a smart guy, huh? All right, Einstein! Do the math on this one how does on skinny redhead take down an army of super agents and - a hundred-billio-dollar hover-fortress?! - And how in the hell do you lose a 12-foot man?! Brock: Well [exhales.]
it wasn't easy.
- [ sighs .]
What a friggin' mess.
- It's about to get a whole lot messier.
Washington's sending new misters to crawl up our ass.
- Brock: So what are we gonna tell them? - As little as possible.
After cardholder and doe? - I don't trust any of these mister branch bastards.
- Evening, General Gathers.
My name's Mr.
These are my associates, Mr.
Sample, and master Master Yourname, sir.
Uh, it's an honor to meet you, and okay.
- Have to excuse the rookie.
Still in training.
- He ain't a full mister yet - hasn't earned his hat.
- You know why we're here, Gathers.
Washington wants a full report on this colossal cluster-fudge.
- We're gonna want to interview all the key players.
- Hmph! Fine! Do your worst, you vultures! - We've got nothing to hide.
- All right.
Let's start from the beginning.
All right.
First of all, I want it on the record that this operation was a complete success.
We achieved our objective with limited resistance and zero casualties on our side.
[ cheers and applause .]
Brock: The packages were secured and blindfolded for delivery.
- We followed every security protocol.
- Every protocol? Were you aware there were uncleared civilians on board at the time? Brock: Hey, was that the X-1 we passed on deck on our way in? Not at that time.
- What the hell were they doing there in the first place? - Well, I-I came for these.
- so you came to get a boob job? - No, sir.
- These 48 triple-d's are 100% natural.
- Two big, pillowy gifts from god, man, - and super-science, and he wanted to get rid of them! - The Ventures here tagged - along for moral support.
- Jonas Venture's brat? Why the hell are you still - wasting O.
resources protecting that hump? - Dr.
Venture: Hey! Why do you think I'd put a washout like Hatred on him? Hey! I'm only human! And I get these urgent, see? And they got me on this special medicine to take the edge off them, and uh I'll have to run more tests to be certain, but it's highly probable the nomolestol we put You on is having an adverse interaction with the super-soldier serum you - received back in '88.
- Dr.
Venture: Super-soldier? - Him? Ha! - Hey, now! I keep a straight face every - time you call yourself a "super-scientist.
" - Well, frankly, I'm more concerned about the boy here.
You been dipping into agent Hatred's meds, son? Hank: What? These? Nah, they're just falsies built into the suit.
Venture: Do you have any meds you could put him on? He's been wearing that thing for weeks.
He was the same way with the Batman costume I bought him when he was 10.
Dean: Yeah, only now he doesn't die when he jumps off the roof.
Hank: No man can fight his destiny.
Venture: Yeah, or your stench.
You're really starting to stink in there, Hank.
- Yeah, you really are, Hank.
- Dean: Yeah, he is! - Brock: No, no.
They had nothing to do with this.
I saw the Ventures down there on my way to check on the prisoners.
I was antsy about having them on board for too long, so I wanted to start the debriefing.
But there was a holdup.
Wait, wait, wait.
They held you up? So that's when they escaped? Brock: No, man.
That's a figure of speech.
Are you done with him yet? [ squishing .]
Not yet, sir.
I'll let you know.
Brock: You'll let me know.
How long does it take to strip-search a perp? Dude, look at the size of this guy.
Will you just let me do my job here? You and the, uh, Russki, you got quite a history, don't you? - So when did you two lovebirds first meet? - Brock: 1986.
She was a gymnast.
Me and my first partner were undercover at the Goodwill Games.
See, we had intel that the - Siberian husky was planning to strike there.
- Sorry.
Uh, Siberian Brock: Husky! Learn your history, man.
He was the KGB's deadliest assassin.
Guy was a living legend.
[ whistle blows .]
I should have paid more attention.
I was distracted.
What do you expect? I was a rookie agent on my first major assignment.
[ gun cocks .]
[ gun cocks .]
[ gunshot .]
What I didn't realize at the time was so was she.
And her father had trained her well.
[ spectators screaming .]
Real touching.
So this dizzy dame's been screwing up your noodle since the first day .
you laid eyes on her.
- Brock: What are you getting at? What's the real nature of your relationship with Molotov Cocktease, agent Samson? Dr.
Venture: Strictly professional.
Well, sure, we flirted a little bit, - but what do you expect? She was the babysitter.
- More like your partner! - Or was she your lover? - I was undercover! - I was infiltrating her all-lady kill cadre.
- Brock: Listen to me very carefully - I did not have sex with that woman! - So that's why you cut your pud off and got - yourself a pair of boobs, eh? - No, no.
Not exactly.
But, uh, they came in handy.
- Also saw a noticeable improvement in my tips.
- Brock: No! Not even the tip! Look, I'm telling ya! She wore this belt kind of thing like a like a - A stripper?! - Exotic dancer you misogynist! You mean like the one we found when we tossed your barracks? Brock: That I, uh I was gonna file that.
That's, uh evidence.
Of what? Your schoolboy crush on this chippy? Admit it, Samson.
You're the one who busted her out, aren't ya? - No! That's bullshit! - Then account for your whereabouts when she escaped.
Right here.
Right where you sit.
Well, sorry about the get up.
Didn't have any jumpsuits in size "stupid big.
" - You could at least have laundered them.
- Brock: Oh, yeah.
That rookie Henderson's a bit of a bed wetter.
I'll have the gals in the uniform department get right to work on something more suitable.
You needn't bother.
I shan't be staying long.
So he told you, to your face, he was planning to escape? Brock: No, he told me he was as good as dead already that the Guild would be coming for him.
Said he was willing to tell me anything I wanted to know about them.
- And what do you want in return? - I suppose a conjugal visit is - out of the question? - Brock: [ sighs .]
Let's start with the Sovereign.
Bowie lives in New York city.
Why don't you go there and ask him yourself? Brock: You and I both know the Sovereign's not really Bowie.
I met 'em both, and the real Bowie can't turn into a hawk.
So who is he? The man now known as the Sovereign was once just a petty super criminal, a talented but down-on-his-luck shapeshifter.
He and the real Bowie met in '72.
Rumor has it the creature on the cover of Diamond Dogs is this? - actually an unaltered photo of the Sovereign.
- So, he just gave you all of this? - Brock: That and more.
- He may also have been the woman beside Bowie on the cover of pin-ups.
But you're asking the wrong questions, agent Samson.
If you really want to take down the Guild, you should start with the Council.
- "The Council"? - Brock: Of 13, yeah.
Monstroso said the Guild is actually ruled by a committee.
Said if we checked the miniature secret camera in the pinky ring we confiscated from him, we'd find pictures of 'em.
- Did ya? - Brock: Sort of.
They meet only via tele-screen to protect their anonymity, even from each other.
These were taken at one such meeting.
- Brock: Recognize any of the voices? - Only one.
Councilman 4.
His shrill chuckle and ludicrous habit of punctuating his statements with a bicycle horn gave him away as the clue clown.
[ alarm blaring .]
- Brock: Excuse me a sec.
Talk to me.
- Hey, I'm not a bed wetter, you know.
- Brock: Whatever, puddles.
What's going on? - Molotov escaped! Brock: See, I'm not your man.
I didn't break Molotov out.
It was me.
If you're looking for someone to blame, blame me.
- I was the one guarding her.
- There, there, hon.
Let it out.
I-I followed all the procedures.
I gave her a full nozzle scan and everything.
- But I must've missed something.
- I was the one who sounded the alarm.
So, uh, you might want to write that down.
Amber and I were supposed to take the jump jet to Napa on a weekend pass.
You know how air traffic to the coast can be on a Friday night, so I went to check on her.
And that's when I uncovered her deadly deception.
- Amber! You're not a real blonde! - But I am! See? This is blonde! Maybe not gold, but it wouldn't do to go around calling myself "amber dishwater," n ow, would it? What else are you lying about? Hey, hey! I'll ask the questions here, pretty boy.
Dean: All right! I admit it! I did it! Just me.
No one else.
I let them out.
Both of them.
And I am not sorry.
Alright, kid.
- You got your pop.
Now spill.
- Dr.
Venture: It's okay, sweetie.
- Just tell the man the truth.
- Dean: It was earlier today.
While Mr.
Hatred was getting his booby tests, my Dad dragged me - along on his nostalgia trip.
- Dr.
Venture: My Dad got me the internship, of course.
I was, uh, just about your age at the time, and Ahh.
Here it is! Good old number 5, my lab away from lab.
[ cooing .]
Venture: This, uh that wasn't here then.
- Hey! You not supposed be in here! - Dr.
Venture: It's cool.
Got my backstage pass.
Yeah, fellow super-scientist.
Oh, you Dr.
- Dr.
Venture: Ah, you know my work? - No, I used to live in your backyard with those SPHINX guys, though.
Listen, you got to go.
I got to keep - these primos in complete isolation at all time.
- Dean: "Primos"? Yes.
Short for "premonition.
" Yeah, they're all psychic and stuff, you know? [ grunts .]
Venture: Ah, that one pooped.
- It just pooped.
- No, no, no.
He's having a premonition! You're very lucky to witness one of these.
Take a look.
Take a look here! - Dr.
Venture: Thank you, no.
- Oh, false alarm.
You know, like, when you have a dream, and in that dream you get, like, a really good idea? So you wake up, and you write it down, and when you read it later on, you look at it, and it's just a bunch of [bleep.]
that's kind of what they do a lot.
Dean: So they just live in these tanks? Do you ever let them out? [ alarm blares .]
I don't know.
I-I felt a-a connection with them.
I could tell they didn't want to be there.
So when that alarm went off, I took advantage of the confusion, and I set them free.
- Well, thanks for completely wasting our time, kid.
- Dean: Sorry, sir, I Not you.
Now get back to work! Call us when you got something that isn't completely fruity! Hellooooo, sailor boy! I know you're busy making the world safe for democracy or whatever, but I wanted to give you something special for our aniversary.
- Mmm, hello, sugarpop! Hang on.
Let me get ready.
- I'm waiting! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! T.
! Just stop already, please! What? Don't you guys always say, "anything you can remember, no matter how inconsequential, could be useful"? I, uh yeah, but let's just skip ahead.
[ shudders .]
Ugh, fine.
I got off, the alarm went off, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Hunter called a meeting.
Your target is equally skilled in firearms, bladed weapons, and hand-to-hand ass-kicking! She's also a master of disguise, and right now, she could be anywhere on this ship or anyone.
- Ow! Ow! Damn it, shore leave! Ow! - [bleep.]
Sorry, afterburner.
- With the helmet and, uh I thought you might be - Thought I might be what? A guy who's a little embarrassed about his horrible scars, maybe? All right! Cut the chatter! She was last seen on level "C," so get down there on the double! - Yo-s-i! - Go-s-i! Go! Go, man! Hank: Where do you want me? Out of my hair, what's left of it.
Hatred, get these clowns downstairs - and lock 'em someplace safe, will ya? - Dr.
Venture: Look, can't we just go? - My plane is right outside.
- Lockdown means locked down! - Airport's snowed in, okay? Now scram! - Hank: Come on! Put me in, coach! Don't you have, like, an Avengers department? Maybe you could use an Iron Man type? - Or an Iron Woman? - Hatred, I swear to god! What the hell does any of this have to do with Monstroso? Brock: I was gettin' to that.
Hunter'd ordered me to stay here in case Molotov tried to spring him.
So I kept up the interrogation.
All right, what can you tell me about the investors? Who are they? What's their connection to the Guild? But he didn't like my line of questioning too much.
[ grunts .]
[ grunts .]
No! [ grunts .]
No! No! Help me! Help me! Help me! [ screams .]
So he just disappeared into thin air, eh? Where do you think he went? Brock: I didn't have time to think.
Yeah, that was kind of my bad.
I led the team down to "C" like Hunter said.
Unless it's Chinese New Year, she's definitely coming this way.
All right, shuttle-cock, slap chop, bum rush, on my signal, you There she is! Nice, tank top.
You gave her an exit.
[ marble rolling .]
[ marble rolling .]
Aah! [ grunts .]
[ grunts .]
[ gunshots .]
Aah! Gah! Cocktease: You should've stayed in the closet.
You should've stayed dead.
[ grunts .]
But if it's a catfight you want, - sister, you messed with the wrong pussycat.
- Cocktease: Meow.
[ beeps .]
Be-be-beep! Be-be-be-beep-be-be-be-beep! Snoopy, transfer all power to secondary engines! - Okay, I'll do that! - Nah, we didn't feel a thing! Ol' Hatred knows how to keep his boys safe.
I had 'em holed up in the one room in this joint with gyroscopic stabilizers.
- The nozzle is now calibrating - Hank: Ugh! "get in the panic room"! "Stay in the X-1"! "Don't pee in your strength suit"! Ugh! I'm sick and tired of the grown-ups always stickin' me in the corner when the action calls! - Nobody sticks Hank in the corner! - Dean: It's a round room, Hank.
- There aren't any corners.
- Hank: Shut up, know-it-all! And you shut up, too! - Dr.
Venture: Okay, I'm up! - But you didn't keep them safe, did you? Dr.
Venture, are you ready to tell me what happened to your other son? - Uh, Hunk? Is it Hunk? - Dr.
Venture: Hank.
And no, I can't talk about that.
- I was napping at the time.
- Hank sometimes gets these notions in his noggin, and there's just no stoppin' him.
Hey, Molotov's out there.
Looks like all those special - guys couldn't stop her, huh? - Hank: I'm the only one who can stop her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no! Hank, you're not going anywhere.
Hank: All these things I can do,all these powers, I realize now why they were given to me.
This is my destiny.
Hank, for the love of Mike, just stay here, will ya? Your destiny is to protect your family! I'm ranking officer.
I should go.
Aaaaaah! Ah, geez, you got to be kiddin' me.
Hank: You kind of are my family, Uncle Vatred.
Eh, hello? All right, super-kill-lady! I am officially over my crush on you! - This is a-a citizen's arrest! - Brock: Hank! Hank! I was too slow, damn it! If I'd gotten there just a minute earlier, I could've saved him! Instead, I had to find him like that.
Hank! Hank, are you okay? [ gasps.]
Medic! I need a medic down here! - Hank: B-Brock? I-I can't move my legs.
- Brock: Oh, god, Hank.
- What did she do to you? - Hank: She she stole my destiny.
- Brock: She's got Hank's strength suit.
- Damn it! That's like giving dynamite to a grendel! Get in there, Samson! She just opened the hangar doors! Go get her, son! I'm right behind you! Snoop! You have the bridge! - Uh, uh, okay, uh - Brock: All right, Mol.
It's just you and me now.
Is that what you wanted? [ grunts .]
Come on.
Come on.
You fell off?! How the hell are you still breathin' oxygen? Brock: Friends in high places.
Aaaaaaaaah! - [ thud .]
Beep-be-beep! - Oh, come on! That's impossible! What are you, a friggin' superhero? Brock: It's all part of the job, man.
Plus I was pissed.
I knew the only way to end this was to take her out, once and for all.
- Hiya, Mol.
- Cocktease: Samson.
I was wondering when you'd show up to the party.
I was getting sick of talking to your friends.
- Brock: I thought you came with a date.
- Cocktease: Meh.
- He's not as much fun as you.
- Brock: Then let's dance.
What? Did Joe Eszterhas write that for you? What happened next? Brock: We made out like Spider-man and Mary Jane.
What do you think happened? - You saw the video.
I did my duty.
- I found them! - Oh, thank god.
- They're on the portside, outboard number two! - Get me eyes! - I've got video up! - Eh, here ya go, kid.
You've earned it.
- Aw, gosh.
Really, you guys? We'll be taking our report back to headquarters now, Gathers.
- I got to tell you, it don't paint a pretty picture.
- Men with tits? - Pederasts on the payroll? This ain't gonna fly.
- You run a weird ship, - General.
We'll be watching you.
- Eh, don't let the door shoosh - you in the ass on the way out.
- Oh, uh, bye.
Samson! Stand down! She's with us.
- Brock: What? - This wasn't an escape.
It was a test.
- Our security and her skills.
We failed.
She passed.
- Brock: What? - She killed all those agents! - You mean all those double agents.
Traitors, every last one of them! I gave Red here a list of - chores, and she took out the garbage.
- Brock: What?! Are you nuts?! Sometimes.
Not today.
We need a deep-cover infiltrator on the team, someone to work in the shadows, out from under the prying eyes of the bureaucrats and the misters, someone the - enemy would never suspect.
- Brock: What? You you can't trust her! - She is the enemy! - She's a mercenary, Samson.
People who hired her all these years were the enemy.
Long as we pay better, she's on our side.
Welcome to the team, agent Cocktease! We'll, uh, have to talk about - that name later.
I found them! - Oh, thank god.
They're on the portside, outboard number two! - Get me eyes! - I've got video up! Brock: [ sighs .]
So, where the hell did Monstroso go? Damned if I know.
What? Did you forget something? Evening, General Gathers.
My name is Mr.
This is my associate, Mr.
Headquarters sent us to investigate this, uh, Molostro incident.
[ up-tempo music plays .]
You should be just fine, son, once your atrophied limbs get strong enough - to stand without the suit.
- But you'll never get over the loss of your breasts.
You'll miss them forever.

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