The Venture Bros (2003) s06e00 Episode Script

All This and Gargantua-2

1 [German accent.]
Gentlemen, we are ready to begin.
You've all come so far in just a few short months together.
Fat Chance, when we started, you had no control over your powers.
- See this? Totally random.
- [Squeals.]
This is a door through time und space.
Where it goes is up to you.
You must become Fat Choice.
Professor Impossible, you have learned to stretch yourself in ways you never thought possible.
I don't look anything like that! - It's just too hard.
I can't be someone else.
- Again.
Killinger: Und, Baron Underbheit [Gunshot.]
But what else can you do? Now, with the addition of our newest recruits, Radical Left and Henchman Zero "Zero.
" It's just Zero.
I hench for no man.
Ja with Radical Left und Zero, the Revenge Society is finally ready to make its debut on the world stage.
I'm still not sold on this plan of yours.
A heist? A bit beneath us, isn't it? I like it.
It's old-school, you know? - And we are in need of operating capital.
- Well, it may be good enough for Fat Albert and his Junkyard Gang here, but I was once a top member of the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
And, what's more, I founded this Revenge Society! Ja, mit a shoe und a toaster.
Killinger: I have not come to usurp your authority, Herr Limb.
Mine is only to guide you to your truest selves.
But you must have faith.
[Door opens.]
Somebody's coming! Run.
The Monarch: Oh, it's so romantic.
We're moving into the house you were raised in.
It's like a fairy tale.
It didn't look quite this bad when I was a kid.
Yeah, it looks like the kind of place that has creepy, wet Asian kids crawling on the ceiling.
[Engine roars.]
Jonas: Welcome to your new world a world of luxury, fine dining, world-class entertainment, and, of course, cutting-edge scientific research.
- Step into our Stellar Casino.
- Ooh.
Love that gravity.
Whatever your pleasure, because the largest space station ever built is also the first ever to be open to the public.
- Welcome to Gargantua-2.
- Dr.
Venture: And hogwash.
Well, I guess if you include the little antenna on top, it's the largest.
Did I ever tell you your old man was the first boy in space? [Snoring.]
Well, first American boy, anyway.
But I was the first to come back alive.
Poor little Dmitri.
Why is it so unbelievable that I got invited to Gargantua-2? 'Cause you're just, like, a normal guy and barely that.
I am a skilled surgeon, Hank.
I put your dad's arm back on his body, and I untwisted you and your brother's testicles.
Oh, when did that happen? [Gasps.]
You fondled clone Hank! - Does my little Billy-boy want a pillow? - Oh, will you stop babying him? Now, why don't you snuggle up next to me and get some smoochin' in? [Laughing.]
Oh, Rodney, you devil.
Quizboy: Excuse me.
I want the pillow now.
Gentleman: [Scottish accent.]
Don't you eyeball me, or I'll throw you right out of that airlock! Now, Horace, you be nice to that robot.
- It's about time you forgave them.
- I'll never forgive them! You turn your back on a robot, and they stab you in it! With their wee, little twirling knives hidden behind their claws.
If you require a refreshment Eh! One more word, and you're going out that back door.
You can fly back to hell! - Amber: So, it's your basic nanny detail? - Brock: Not so basic.
We're not officially here.
No one can know about us.
- Not even the client? - Especially not the client.
is what we call a problem child.
He doesn't believe in the whole "supervillain/superspy game," as he calls it, and he's refused O.
So why are we bothering? EH, just 'cause you don't believe in the boogeyman doesn't mean he ain't hidin' under your bed.
We ran J.
's books, and some of his Investors turned out to be shell companies held bythe Investors.
- So you think J.
's dirty? - Nah, just naive.
's rich, he's a Venture, and he builds the kind of stuff we don't want falling into the wrong hands.
That makes him a triple-decker sundae to every costume job with a sweet tooth, and this space station of his is the cherry on top.
Take over a sec.
I got to go check on our civilian volunteers.
[Loud clank.]
Did someone throw a robot out? Oh, hey.
[Muffled whimpering.]
I just wanted to let you folks know how much your Uncle Sam appreciates you loaning us your fancy space plane.
And, uh he's also gonna need your pants.
Monarch: Ugh! Disgusting! - Who the hell has been living here? - Squatters.
Vagrants, probably.
Yeah, it could be dangerous.
I'm gonna go scope out upstairs.
All right, then.
Uh all clear! Aw, sweetie, we'll fix it up, make it a real home.
Honestly, I never really warmed up to our last place.
- It was just too - Cold.
It was a cold house - like, emotionally.
- I just [sniffles.]
I really wish Tim-Tom and Kevin could be here.
- Eh.
- I am really gonna miss those adorable, little moppets.
I-In a way, it's best that they didn't live to see this.
[Techno ringtone plays.]
Oh? [Sighing.]
Oh, it's Sovereign.
He's calling a meeting of the council of 13.
- Oh-ho! Your first meeting! - Wait What? When? We should totally celebrate! I can't, it's Well, i-it's right now.
It says they're sending a ca [Horn honks.]
Monarch: Huh.
Those guys give me the super-creeps.
I'm so sorry about this, honey.
Y-Y bad timing.
Maybe we'll get dinner later.
I promise.
Maybe Chinese? Steppenwolf: Seriously, it's one dumpling.
Why even bother wrapping it up? We're late enough because of your precious peking duck.
How should I know? He just said it was an emergency.
[Engine turns over.]
[Techno ringtone plays.]
T-Take over for me, will ya, Bruno? Somethin' wrong, boss? Who was that? As it says in the A.
big book, "follow the dictates of a higher power, and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world.
" [Sizzling.]
[Dogs barking.]
Wild Fop: Bosie! Do kennel the hounds and bring the camry around, won't you? The Sovereign can be such the queen bitch when we're late.
[Dogs growling.]
Cat pee? [Dogs barking.]
[Electricity crackles.]
Ugh! O.
soldier: Target 2 is down! - What?! Who the hell fired?! - Wasn't us, sir.
[Alarms beeping.]
Target 7 is also down! I've got targets 9 and 10 down, as well.
[Rapid beeping.]
And there goes target 12.
Damn it! What the Sam Harris is going on here?! Bring the council up on the big board.
Survey says [Buzzer.]
We've been made, boys.
Sovereign knows we're closing in, and that big talking head is burning down the house! You, give me a status report on our other surveillance targets! [Keyboard clacking.]
Too slow! - Snoopy! - Already on it.
Vendata is still M.
, Dr.
Z hasn't been seen since the 5th, and Oh, boy.
Henderson's reporting that Red Mantle and Dragoon gave him the slip this morning.
- Damn it! Find them! - [Sighs.]
We need to shear these sheep before the Sovereign leads 'em to slaughter.
Venture: Well, check again.
Did you try "Thaddeus Venture"? "Dr.
Thaddeus Venture"? "T.
Venture"? "Rusty"? Nope! I've got, uh, Hank, Dean, and, uh, someone named Scamp Venture.
Yeah, Scamp was a dog, and he's dead.
Ah, the wee man must have been having a laugh.
I'll just put you in Scamp's parva cubiculum.
That sounds fancy.
I can't believe they don't have me on the manifest! - I have an invite! - Does my little water baby - want to bunk with his mommy? - Over my rotting corpse.
Hush, little Billy, don't say a word How do you not have a sauna?! What kinda tiny-town monkey shop are you running here?! All accommodations are equipped with shower stalls.
Shower? I don't want to get clean! I want to get filthy! [Clank.]
- Who run barter town? - Hank runs barter town.
- Say louder.
- Dr.
Venture: Hank, get off that robot! Embargo lifted.
When I was a little girl, I never dreamed I'd be in space.
I feel like a space princess, like maybe She-Ra.
Now, I know She-Ra was a princess of power, but she was also in space.
That would make her a space princess, I reckon! Snoopy: And we are in.
Run facial-recognition software on everyone in eyeshot.
Uh yeah.
What do I look like that guy? Place looks like a Howard Johnson's all show.
- You know, my father built the original Gargantua - All the damn power just - to advance science.
- it cut out! Things are fallin' apart over here! Helper can't get any juice, the fridge is just gettin' water all over the floor, - and it it smells like bad milk.
- Well, I'm on vacation.
I always shut down the power when I'm away.
- and it it smells like bad milk.
- Well, light some candles or something.
- And I got orpheus all worried his fish are gonna die.
- Just make do.
I'm not made of money.
Doc! I am calling from Earth! There's, like, a huge delay.
Will you just wait for it?! You'll still be the sweetest wittle boy - The whole damn song? - Every time.
[High-pitched whistle.]
Smiles, everyone! Smiles! Welcome to Gargantua-2.
Councilman 11: And the children weep for their king, who has Phage: No.
Just no.
I've no idea what you're even - left the poison web, - that sounds like how insane people talk.
- wander in darkness with 100 blind eyes.
- That's exactly like insane talking! Councilman 1 has entered the pr Where is everybody? Finally a head that makes sense! I've been talking to bullet-head for 20 minutes, - and she's # wacky # - The eggs of all pains have been laid Yeah, she speaks in the communal language of the colony - when there's trouble.
- I'm here.
I'm here.
I was listening to confessions.
It was getting mighty saucy, so I Hey, where is everyone? - Councilmen.
- All: Sovereign! You are witness to this Guild's finest hour.
But I need you all with me to succeed.
- All what three of us? - All our eyes blind.
- Like I'm gonna count you.
- Shh! Tonight, we take what is ours.
Over our heads floats Gargantua-2, stuffed with our enemies like so much ripened fruit.
Tonight, my loyal servants, we shall pluck it from the sky and crush it into pulp! You're all crazy.
A fruit metaphor? Really? Silence! That's actually an analogy, not a metaphor, F.
[Clears throat.]
Prepare for battle, reach for glory, and plan for blood.
Gentlemen, I apologize.
With the Monarch's untimely arrival, I did not get a chance to clean.
- What is this place? - It's your new home.
- Welcome to Meteor Majeure.
- Boggles: Sarsaparilla! - Oh, yeah! This is more like it! - I've been here before.
Yes, Force Majeure held the boys' brigade here - for ransom in '68.
- Ah, yes.
You know, that probably makes us the first boys in space.
Well, except for that Russian kid.
Ja, very interesting walk down memory lane, ja.
But even more interesting is the view the perfect vantage point to launch our daring heist of the Gargantua-2.
Except the name "Meteor Majeure.
" They're only called "meteors" when they fall in the atmosphere.
- In space, they're meteoroids.
- Zero makes a salient point.
That's just slap-shod science right there.
Mm, too big to be a meteoroid.
It's more of an asteroid.
Or, really, "satellite" would be more accurate.
Yes, but then you don't get the alliteration.
Oh! Don't encourage him, Richard! We haven't time for this.
We've training to do.
Man on TV: It's the ninth wonder of the world, but the luxury Gargantua-2 is also the hottest ticket in town or, rather, way out of town.
21: Yeah, it's the big brick house on the corner of Malcolm X Boulevard and Huey P.
Newton Ave Hello? - Unbelievable.
- Hello? Right? That's, like, the fourth place I've tried.
No one will deliver to this crappy neighborhood.
But I'm starving! You check the fridge? Oh, yeah, because magic squatter elves cobbled us lunch in the night.
- Whoa! - Ha-cha! Today we feast, my loyal and singular henchman! - Set it up.
- This is some high-class schwag.
What, did the squatters go dumpster-diving - at Dean & deLuca? - "Freegans.
" I just learned that word.
Oh! So good! Oh! Ah! Hey, what [smacks lips.]
- Is that a wusthof? - Huh? Yeah.
Yeah, looks like.
Our fancy squatters have the same taste in cutlery as [Gasps.]
Phantom Li-i-i-i-mb!! - Uh, come again? - Phantom Limb! He was here! I don't know how, I don't know why, but This is why! He was plotting something.
Yeah, we better get out of here.
He might come back.
- No, he won't.
He's going here! - Where is "here"? "Here"is there! 21, we are going to space.
What?! How the [bleep.]
are we gonna Fetch me a New Jersey transit schedule! Quizboy: Dibees on the bottom drawer! [Laughing.]
Oh, dude! Let's get room service and watch HBO! - Or the boobie channel.
- Great.
We've got an enchanting view of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
And I'm I'm a guest of honor, and this is not honorable or guesty-of.
I was supposed to be in the parva cubiculum.
That's latin for "small room," you know.
Yeah, I know latin, Billy.
I know what tha There's no way you're sleeping here.
Come on! I take up no space, and I give killer back rubs! And "tidy" is my middle name.
Apologies, gentlemen.
There appears to be a mix-up with the rooms.
Please follow me to the thalamun maximus.
Finally! My bags are over there.
The thalamun maximus is for Dr.
We are very sorry, Mr.
That's "Dr.
Venture," thank you.
When did you become a Doctor? What? Forever ago! My god! We had my graduation party in your garage, for cryin' out loud! Dean gave me this watch! He said it was from you! That's not from me.
That's my old watch.
Well, if you want it back, it'll be in my thalamun maximus, which means "important room"! Oh, but you knew that already, because you speak Latin.
Good day, honorary-degree Doctor Venture! Yeah? Well, te potest oscula hoc genu! Oh, you can kiss my knee, as well, idiot! Unh! We're all wearin' jackets Gave him that bass for Christmas one year.
- He really got good.
- Look at you practically fit to bust with paternal pride.
You miss your old family, don't you? Nah.
I mean, it was just another job, you know? [Thump.]
Someone's listenin'.
Hyah! Hank?! [Coughs.]
Hey, Brock.
Hank! What are you doing here, man? Uncle J.
invited me.
And when I heard the dulcet tones of today's hottest youth-rock act, I thought I'd say hey to my adoring public.
Or should I say, "adorable.
" [Grunts.]
I'm Henry Allen Venture.
And who might you be? Well, aren't you just the little gentleman.
- Hiya.
I'm Amber Gold.
- Amb code names! Come on! Oh, he ain't gonna tell nobody on us.
Are ya, Henry? Actually, that's the real reason for my visit.
You guys are on a secret mission, aren't you? Whatever it is, the Hankinator wants in.
Look, Hank, I don't have time for this.
Come on, Brock.
You know I'd make a great spy.
Indeed you would, Hank, and your first mission is to pretend you never saw us.
This is unprecedented behavior.
there are over 200 treaties with the O.
that - make any such action completely - Phage: Ridiculous? Boneheaded? Un[bleep.]
believable? We can't blow up innocent civilians and - W-W-What was that phrase? - "Choke the life from the O.
as the rattrap snaps shut on Gargantua-2," which is both a bad idea and a mixed metaphor.
Enough! Join me or join the rest of the council of 13 pulled from their homes like dogs to the slaughter.
Unreal! Mixed metaphor and a misquote? That's it.
I'm out of here.
I resign.
I accept your resignation, councilman.
I accept all of your resignations.
[Gas hissing.]
Did one of you just fart? [Both coughing.]
Is someone continuing to fart? What are you doing?! Finishing what I began.
Toodles! [Coughing.]
Quickly! The gas is deadly! Breathe through your clothing! - Oh, that is so hot! - Oh, it so is! It is the Monarch, you have less than two minutes to live unless you follow my instructions.
Both: Welcome to the Guild resistance! 21: I'm just sayin', space is a long way to go - just to chase Dr.
Venture around again.
- This isn't about that.
- Crown.
- What? Oh.
Phantom Limbless is the Guild's most wanted fugitive.
If I'm the one who thwarts him, you know what the Sovereign's gonna say? He's gonna say, "this Monarch guy, he is council material.
" Sir, are these your wrist-mounted poison-dart shooters? - Aw, dude, why didn't you check those? - I did! They work perfectly! Red Mantle: Stop your ceaseless fidgeting! You're drawing attention to us.
Dragoon: [muffled.]
I'm suffocating in here! - Why did I have to be the tumor? - Because that's what you are to me.
You're a nagging, festering sack of flesh that is eating me alive! Gentlemen, if you do not cease your endless bickering, I'm prepared to perform a bris! Gen.
Hunter Gathers: Still no sign of our missing councilmen.
all our leads have dried up.
Yeah copy, general.
Uh, had a little setback on our end, too.
But we'll keep working the case up here.
- Ain't you dressed yet? - Where the [bleep.]
my mustache?! Yes, I'd like 20 Hankbucks of plastic gambling money, please, because I am an adult of legal gambling age.
Venture: Here's the thing I'm kind of the only person that has a right to be on this stupid space station, and I'm being treated like crap.
You know, I made the ray shield that protects this thing.
You think that means anything to my brother? No.
Oh, Rusty, you haven't changed a bit still full of adventure.
So, uh, how's the table? You up or down? Down.
The table's as bad as the security in this place.
How did you get in here? He's accompanied by his godparent.
[Clears throat.]
I submit we play a little craps, throw some bones! $1 acey-deucey is for old ladies and wee girls.
Apologies, Rose.
Ooh! I haven't been called a wee girl in ages! Hey, where's Uncle J.
? I'm kind of worried about him.
- No one's seen him since we got here.
- Probably counting his money.
You know what? I'm gonna go find that brother of mine and give him a piece of my mind.
My mustache look okay? Well, I prefer a clean-shaven man myself, but if you're asking if it looks like we glued a piece of your mullet to your face, you're fine.
- Shall we play? - Nuh-unh.
Never baccarat.
It's a dead giveaway.
Nobody but spies play baccarat.
Here you go, gents.
Uh, three Martinis, extra-dry.
[British accent.]
I asked for mine shaken, not st Not stirred I know.
You all ordered the same.
Well! Look at this tweedledum and tweedlejudas.
- Am I interrupting? - Dr.
Whalen, would you let me be with my brother alone, please? I'msorry I can't do anything.
I'm just really sorry.
- Sorry.
- You have got some explaining to do.
Hunh! Ahh.
That feels like home being in your strong arms.
- Uh what's going on? - You did it right, big brother A family, friends like Dr.
Whalen, a little business you can call your own.
And me, I got caught in the rat race.
All this money, all these amazing technological advancements, and what does it all mean when mother nature calls me home? What are you Do you need to go to the bathroom? Ha! You old kidder.
Always trying to lighten the mood.
- Rust, do you remember when I was born? - Uhh, hard to forget a tumor being removed from my body that tries to kill me.
Yeah, our turbulent youth, right, big bro? Good times.
The good times are over, I fear.
Guess you got all the good genes.
Every organ in this little Venture son is failing.
- Rusty, I'm dying.
- God.
I I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
We shared the same body.
We'll always be connected.
[Beep, door opens.]
Eh, perhaps later would be a good time to review those terms.
I'm with family now.
Holy shit.
They're here.
Huh? Who's there? Where? The Investors they're on board Gargantua-2.
- Clock my 12.
- Mm, nope.
We got nada.
Better check your O2 level, lad.
Think your mixture's too thin.
What are you talking about? I'm looking right at 'em! [Electricity crackles.]
They're coming this wa Aah! What are you creeps doing here? - We are guests of Dr.
- The smarter, littler one.
It is not our custom to go where we are not invited.
Unlike some people.
Sir, could you please come with us? Pirate Captain: Sorry about this, Brock.
Rules is rules, and you're trespassin', there.
Take 'em to the brig, fellas.
Yeah, we, uh, we don't have, uh one of that.
No brig? What kinda ship All right, fine! Lock 'em up someplace safe.
You're making a huge mistake! I'm not the trespasser! They are! They're evil! They're pure evil! Guess some people just do not take losing well, huh? Put it all on black.
Hector: Gargantua-2, this is Ven-tech 3 requesting ray-shield entry.
Swifty found something weird out here, and, man, I don't know, I think the Doc's gonna want to check it out.
- Access code? - 6-2-1-9er.
He, uh, he gets kinda heavy, don't he? I can't feel my arms anymore.
So, uh, chairman, we, uh, seem to have some kind of a U.
Took a real beatin' out at the ray shield.
Hector and Swifty says they found him just floatin' out there.
- Uh"him"? - Yuppers.
It's an unidentified flyin' he-person.
Ta-da! So, uh, is he a friend of yours? Come on, man! Fat and skinny are inside already.
Phantom Limb: [muffled.]
Give me a moment! You have exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds.
- Hello, Hamilton.
- [Splash.]
Aah! Sovereign! - Have I caught you at a bad time? - How on Earth did you find me? Force Majeure was my predecessor.
Killinger was a fool not to know his old space station has been my summer retreat for years.
So is operation Back Door proceeding as planned? And no, that's not a euphemism - For, uh what you're doing there.
- Yes, Sovereign.
We were just about to commence our heist.
And you're prepared to do as I've asked? Yes, I shall leave the back door open for you when we're through.
Underbheit: Limb! Sometime today would be nice! One question.
What will you do with the others afterward? Oh.
Has little hambone grown attached to his new friends? You needn't worry.
They will be welcome on the council, as well.
I've already made room for them.
This place is a deathtrap.
Watch your every step and touch nothing.
There you are! The Monarch's waiting, and you guys are acting like Alex, Sam, and Clover of "Totally spies!" Let's go! - Ah! Finally.
- No! Might be a trap.
Might be? [Laughs.]
Slaughterbot! Take cover! [Snarls.]
[Electricity crackles.]
Oh, it's cool.
Just watch and ward as robot dogs.
Viva Guild resistance! Oh, come on! Watch, what are you doing?! How do I modify the controller? This is like when I got stuck in that cart playing "Red dead redemption.
" Resistance! Follow us! We've lost mommy long-legs.
Oh, well, that really kind of ruins our rescue.
We shouldn't have stopped for all those power-ups.
I'll call her colony when we get out.
Lead the way.
There's an air duct we can use to get What are you doing?! Check it out! I found a cheat code for standing! [Groans.]
Tell me this is more interesting - than watching old people gamble.
- It's a close call, Dean.
[Monitors beeping steadily.]
Quizboy: He's alive, but barely.
Flash-frozen think birds eye peas.
I can't even imagine the kind of cosmic radiation he's suffered.
This is cruelty.
Let's do the humane thing unplug him.
It's for the best.
[Rapid beeping.]
- I've full vitals! - General Timothy Treister, office of secret intelligence, retired! Where am I? We found you floating in space.
Little green men! The star people fixed my pee-pee cancer! My new life begins! I'm ready to become assimilated into your Martian ways take a alien wife, become a humble farmer of space bacteria! Hot jiminy! Take me to your leader! Vitals are racing.
I'm gonna need to sedate him.
Hey, whatcha doing there, little space traveler? - Now, now.
Sit back, Mr.
- Hey! Wait a tick! You're the bad kinda aliens the mutilatin'-cattle kind! The anal-probing kind! Keep your green, suction-cupped fingers away - from me and my precious rectum! - Watch out! [Panting.]
So much for sterile containment.
Alert security! We need to get him back in I.
! [Bleep.]
this noise.
I'll go get drunk and gamble.
Aah! Don't touch that! Electrified.
- No, it isn't.
- Huh? All right, but hang back a sec.
I got to take out his defenses.
- Totally unnecessary.
- Shush! [Sighs.]
Okay, i-it looks clear.
But stay alert.
This could be a trap.
That or Venture hasn't paid his electric bill since June.
Oh, crap how are we supposed to launch his old space shuttle with no [bleep.]
power? Not a problem.
I'll fire up the emergency generators.
You know, I know this place like the back of my hand.
Hatred: I can barely see my hand in front of my face down here! This map is useless! I can't make heads or tails of it.
- Did Mr.
Venture draw this himself? - Nah, that backstabbin' Gary did.
[Laughs evilly.]
God, man.
Ya scared me.
- Boo! - Aah! [Both laugh.]
This is all very amusing, gentlemen, but if the electrical current isn't promptly restored, I'm [All gasp.]
- Remember this old piece of stupid? - W-What are you, crazy?! What are you doing with a can of gasoline in here? Oh, this? Uh, nothing.
I thought it was one of those air-conditioner things that astronauts carry.
Okay, now what? You don't even drive.
Don't tell me you know how to fly one of these.
I do not.
What I do know is how to think like a Venture.
Dude! What did you do?! Come on, did you really think I'd go to the Venture compound without getting a little arching in? [Evil laughter.]
Damn it! - Ah, crap! - Oh.
[Exhales heavily.]
Say, that doesn't count as blackface, does it? Incoming.
Shall we begin? Chance, bridge, please.
[Electricity crackling.]
[Computer beeping.]
[Doors slam.]
[Crowd screaming.]
Gotcha! [Laughs.]
Oh, yeah! Everyone one of youse, facedown on the floor, hands where we can see 'em! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are the Revenge Society! Who the hell are these assholes? - The Revenge Society, sir.
They're - Yeah, yeah, yeah! - I'm not deaf! I'm flummoxed! - Okay.
The hell's going on here now? Hey.
Where'd you come from? We're robbing the casino! Isn't that wild? Mind on the job, Underbheit.
- Don't talk to that O.
- Do I know you? [Inhales deeply.]
Rodney: I'm telling you, the leader's that Fantamos kid from the Boys' Brigade.
Oh, yeah, ham the wee cripple lad.
Okay, on the count of three, we jump these guys.
You fight 'em off, and I'll go spring Brock to help us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, son.
That's the kind of thinking that'll get you killed.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's me Hank Venture.
Yeah Still, it's, uh, best to just let them take what they want and go.
These places are insured.
What What are you, the Inaction Men? - I thought you were heroes! - I'll help you, young Hank.
- What?! Mom! - William.
The thing to do, though, is to wait till the next time those plug uglies leave the room again.
We'll have the tactical advantage with their ranks thinned.
- Mom? - Sweetie, you just get behind me when it starts.
Mommy will protect you.
Okay, I'm gone.
I've had enough.
Sorry I thought you were a guy and I touched your - girly pieces.
- Yeah, it happens.
So, when all this blows over and you do whatever it is you do, I'd love to work with you again.
Exeunt, phage! Was your character on a TV show? Technically, but he's better-known as something else.
Is your character a magician? [Cellphone ringing.]
My god, yes! All right, you have three more questions.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Hey, baby.
Guess what I'm doing.
Criss Angel? I don't know, sweetie, but I have bad news.
Wh He did? He did? You're kidding! - Doug Henning? - Who's Doug Henning? He's killed most of the council, and he's gonna destroy Gargantua-2.
What? Why?! Well, then turn around! We can't! W-What should we do?! Well, I love you, too more than anything, sweetie.
Sweetie, you're the only part of my life I know is right.
No, you're not gonna die, baby.
I'll fix it.
No, of course I'll be careful.
No, I'll be fine! Monarch, I'm g Monarch? Baby? Baby! Don't worry, my love.
I'm coming.
Phantom Limb: Time? Two minutes.
One more run, and the vault is clean.
Make it quick.
Chance, to the bridge.
I've one last errand.
Now's our chance, boys! Showtime.
Good evening [gasps.]
- Phantom Limb.
- Investors! T-The Sovereign didn't say you would be here, my lieges.
Is that who told you to pull this? I yes.
[Chuckles nervously.]
We're, uh, all on the same team now.
Thank you.
This conversation has been most informative.
[Electricity crackles.]
[Alarm blaring.]
Impossible: Hamilton, trouble in River City.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Go, team Venture! Actio-o-o-o-o-o-n! Eat this, you fatty! Gah! You bastard! - Sally: Richard.
- Wha Why are you doing this? N-Not Richard Professor Incorrigible.
Rose! The "meet me in St.
Louis"! Rodney, I haven't done that move in years.
Then it's time for a revival, baby.
W-What? Oh! Oh, dear.
Aah! Werner? Zero? Where the deuce are you?! Wait! I know now! You're that henchman I kicked holy hell out of.
I hench for no [Laughs.]
And then you got all big-pants and you thought you could be your own supervillain or something.
- Right henchman? - [Laughing.]
Oh ho ho.
It is going to be a pleasure killing you, Agent Samson.
This is for all the henchmen everywhere.
[Loud bang.]
Huh? What was that? Wait what are you [Crack.]
Oh ho! Brock! I'm here to [Neck snaps.]
[Loud bang.]
The hell's going on out there? [Indistinct shouting, loud bang.]
Now, those would be asteroids.
[Indistinct shouting.]
[Loud banging.]
[Crowd screaming.]
I don't believe it.
I've been double-crossed.
Possibly triple! [Loud bang.]
There's another one.
That's not a speed bump.
Those sound like asteroids.
Sweet mercy! The shield must have failed! Don't look at me! That shield was flawless when I gave it to you.
Bridge! Come in, bridge! Communication is down, as well.
Is there, like, anything we can do? Of course there is! We're Ventures! He means, "is there anything we can do about getting the hell out of here?" Rust, you and Dean moon up for a manual reboot on those shields of yours.
I'll see what I can do from the bridge.
Oh, what the hell.
All: Go, team Venture! And team Timothy Treister! Oh! They're getting murderized out there! How the hell is Sovereign doing this? Red Mantle: Who knows? The man's gone crazy driven to desperation by the sinister machinations of the Investors.
We of the old guard are just as troubled by this gross violation of Guild law as yourselves.
And we can no longer stand for [Muttering weakly.]
If you are prepared to offer us full immunity, we are prepared to tell you where he is.
[Ice cubes clink, liquid pours.]
Surprised? Here.
Sit down before you fall down.
Here's the best part of being a supervillain.
Every now and then, we get to pull off our rubber mask, lay out our sinister plot, and explain how you're gonna die.
- Classic stuff.
- Oh, yeah, I know this one.
So I go, "Dr.
Venture Sr.
I knew it all along.
" But you didn't know.
My plan was so clever, so cunning Shut up.
Just shut up! I don't have time for this.
- Righto.
As you wish.
- I'm [bleep.]
dying, so if you want to play the clichã© movie-ending game, here is my dying speech.
You're not Jonas or Bowie.
You're a shapeshifting nobody who's in over his head.
And now your house of cards is toppling.
- So, how am I doing? - Great.
That's about it.
So, I guess I'll just move on with my clichã©s.
Self-destruct button.
Soon, all of this goes boom you, the O.
, who'll be here any second.
That about cover all the villain clichã©s? [Sighs.]
Dying request? Oh, right.
Good one.
Okay, shoot.
Can you spare Gargantua-2? My husband is up there.
Touching, but no.
Too late for that.
The Investors have to go, so Gargantua-2 has to go.
So you signed a deal with the devil, and now you want to welch on it.
Right? The head of a global evil organization is a bad man.
Who'd have guessed? Total shocker.
- Well, got to fly, love.
- Wait.
One more thing.
Who are you really? Just some bloke who wanted to be anyone but himself.
Orpheus: Bedlam has broken out athwart the kingdom of Venture! Stay at it, my loyal order! I'm not paying my portion of the rent this month! Just sayin'.
We are losing this noble fight! What is taking Mr.
Hatred so long with the fire brigade?! [Sirens wailing.]
Hey! Hey! Over here! [Tires squealing.]
Over around back! [Klaxon blaring.]
Oh, god! Oh! [Both grunting.]
It's no use! Someone's sealed the entire station.
Put your tiny, little back into it! [Groans.]
I've nothing left.
It's the cancer.
It's beaten me.
We can't let our cancers beat us! Ohhhh! Cancer makes me mad! You won't like me when I'm mad! [Snarling.]
That damn pee-pee cancer! T-T-T-There's something happening to you! Why won't it leave my prostate alone?! [Snarls.]
Hot dog! Treister's a Hulk! Good lord.
You've been well, belted by gamma rays, I suspect.
Treister has overwhelming desire to smash! - It's compulsion! - Smash? Treister smash! [Loud bang.]
Venture: I don't remember this being so confusing when I made it.
- You had a bunch of interns make it.
- To my exact specifications, Dean! It's a double thumb release and a twist, like I specified.
- Maybe you need to try something else? - I know what I'm doing! I mean, you know that, right that I know what I'm doing? Pop, I'm in a space suit helping my dad fix a ray shield in outer space.
I'm impressed.
I'm scared out of my mind, but, oh, I'm impressed.
I didn't know.
Well, I knew I was impressive, but I didn't know you knew it.
Pop! Aaaaaaaah! Crackin'! - What was w dad?! - I've learned not to ask.
W-Wait didn't the interns that made this - have two sets of arms? - All right, I didn't technically make it.
Stop rubbing it in already.
No, I mean the manual-reset switch might be made for four arms.
- That's - Oh.
Uh give it a try.
[Both grunt.]
Well, Dean, now I'm impressed.
Well, I knew that I was impressive, but I wasn't sure you knew it.
Way to go, Rust! Looks like we might just live through this after [Alarms blaring.]
- What is wrong, Killinger? - Things not going according to plan? Caecius.
How are you, mein brothers? You should not have meddled in our affairs.
It is you who have forgotten your place.
We were never meant to rule over these mortals.
- They are but fools.
- This is true.
And you shall perish with them.
Then it begins.
Quizboy: Mom, if we're all gonna die here, you got to tell me how you did all that stuff.
I-I suppose it's high time I told you.
Your mother used to be a [Loud rumbling.]
a professional dancer! Attention, passengers, this is Jonas Venture Jr.
I thank you for your patience.
Unfortunately, the, uh nuclear reactors have, uh Oh, my.
Uh, no biggie.
So, uh, this is a precautionary evacuation.
[Crowd screaming.]
Thank you.
You heard the man! This vessel be sinkin'! Man the lifeboats! Agh! Leave me.
I think my hip's broke.
Only slow you dow What do you mean, "secret deal with the Sovereign"? I did it for us! He promised us the council! Weren't you all tired of living in that that crack den? - Richard, are you coming? - Wh really? You'd have me back? No, idiot.
But I'm not about to let our son lose his father because he joined the larp society.
- Hank, come on! - Wait! We got to find pop and Dean! Then we better skedaddle! [Whistles.]
Hop on, cornflower! [Timer beeping.]
Everybody, freeze! Guild resistance! - Where did David Bowie go? - He's not David Bowie.
Oh, great.
All my signed albums just became worthless.
Hey, is that big clock what I think it is? Yeah.
So, you guys bring cyanide tablets? Because I [coughs.]
don't recommend shooting yourself.
Please you know what's always installed after a self-destruct button? Center square.
Shadoe Stevens to block.
- I'm gonna say "escape pod"? - And circle gets the square! Oh, come on! I'm not wearing ear protection! Nice.
We're fixin' to set sail, chairman.
Where are ye? Captain, you know the captain always goes down with his ship.
Eh Oh.
I meant me, captain, not you, captain.
You should get out of here immediately.
They'll never get to a safe distance in time.
Treister hulk? If you're ready to meet the star people, I've got one more thing for you to smash.
Monarch: All right.
I've given this a lot of thought.
I really didn't think I'd get a chance to say this, but [Inhales deeply.]
- is it Lance Burton? - Yes! W-Wow! Mind blown! [Cellphone rings.]
Ba-tooo! [Cellphone beeps.]
Sweetie?! Where are you?! - I'm rescuing you! - How? Accidentally! Brace yourself! [Clank.]
Oh, I didn't even think we had a chance.
He's all freakin' W-What's up with those guys? [Lightsabers clashing.]
You have destroyed the Guild.
I have saved it.
There you are right on time.
Venture: What the hell? W-Why are they all leaving? I fixed their damn shield.
[Metal creaking.]
Jonas: Rust, I'm taking the reactor for a little joyride into history.
You're gonna have to let go now.
Venture: So this is it? This is it.
Speak well of me, big bro.
And, well Go, team Venture! Hey, Doc.
'Bout ready to go home? [Glass shattering.]
Yaaaaaaaaah! Shove it, cancer! Uh, he is gonna get out at the last minute, right? There.
All better.
Uh [Grunts.]
What the hell is Phantom Limb doing here? You are all exactly where your paths took you.
- This day has tested each of you.
- I fear I've failed.
There is no failure when you are true to yourself.
But I betrayed the Revenge Society.
Because, in your truest heart, you wish to serve on the council of 13.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but there isn't one anymore.
Isn't there? I count 13 chairs in this room.
- Where did he go? - [Laughs.]
Sweet! - The Monarch is on the council of - Not you.

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