The Venture Bros (2003) s06e01 Episode Script

Hostile Makeover

Pop? Pop? Are you okay? He fainted.
- With his eyes open? - Shock, probably.
Poor little guy.
He must have been overcome with grief.
Why is he smiling like that? "Last will and testament"? Wakey, wakey, Mr.
You're about to be a very rich man.
Hit it Hit it Hit it Rusty's back on top now Oh, yeah Rusty's back on top now Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh, whoa, whoa Rusty's back But you already knew that He's back, and he's subtle as a heart attack Hank and Dean coming up Fifth Avenue Say their name, Ventures with attitude Their crib is ill, it'll send you to dementia Now gather 'round and give a "Go Team Venture" Archenemies stay off their back 'cause they've got skills And Rusty don't play that Yeah, ah, oh Is everything to your satisfaction, Dr.
Venture? Ah, yes.
Thank you, jBot.
Everything is delicious.
It is my pleasure to serve you.
So, what's everyone got planned for their first day in the big city? I got to run a thorough security check of the premises.
That monkey-business crew calls itself a security team? They wouldn't pass muster at a boy scout jamboree.
Well, you would know.
Just try not to burn the place down while you're at it, hmm? How about you, boys? Eh, I'm gonna take it easy, enjoy the life of the idle, rich playboy.
I'm gonna visit the Stuyvesant University campus uptown.
Thinking of applying for the fall semester.
jPhone, subway directions to Stuyvesant University.
Retrieving subway directions to Stuyvesant University.
Too soon, Dean.
Maybe I'll just call a cab.
Would you like me to call you a cab? Hey, Pop? Pretty much the Avengers are on our porch.
Good morning, citizen Venture.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
All right.
Who are you, and what are you selling? If it's cookies, I'll take two boxes of thin mints.
If it's religion, you can leave the way you came.
No, we represent the Crusaders' Action League.
And all we're selling is peace of mind.
Are you tired of feeling afraid? C.
is here to protect you and your property from all costumed menace, be it terrestrial, extraterrestrial, or supernatural in origin.
offers convenient monthly payments and a plan to fit any budget, so let's go ahead and get you started with your gold plan today, okay? AndWhy would I need the cast of "Godspell" for protection? Take a good, hard look over there, mortal.
See that looming black phallus? It's turgid with the city's nastiest super-villains, and it's got a rape-on for super-scientists like you.
I thought superheroes were just supposed to help people for free.
Ha, yeah.
Amateur superheroes.
Yeah, well, this building's already got professional protection mine.
Ohh O.
Way to do your homework, Tosh.
Oh, hey.
T-there's coffee.
Thank God.
Where is Doctor-my-wife? Oh, she had to leave at dawn for some Guild thing.
Señor Gary, las nuevas puertas ya llegaron.
Donde las ponemos? Oh, uh Deje las en la entrada.
Uh, gracias, Manolo.
Since when do you speak whatever that was? Oh, long time.
What? I got Rosetta Stone.
Why are you hiding that newspaper? What, this? Wait, wait, wait.
I was gonna show it to you after you had your coffee! I just didn't want you to flip out.
Why would I flip out over the cubs beating the mets? I don't even follow baseb oh, wait.
You meant flip out because while I'm stuck being the slumlord king of Craphole county, my enemy's basking in his ivory [bleep.]
tower?! Yeah.
We're going there.
No, dude, we are not set up for arching yet.
Who's talking about arching? We shall merely reconnoiter! That's a weird word, huh? This meeting of the Council of 13 will now come to order.
Is everyone present? All seven of us.
We only count as one.
Hey, where's the Sovereign at? I'll call him.
Killinger! Killinger! Killinger! What on earth are you doing? He's not Betelgeuse, you lunatic.
He's not your new Sovereign, either.
He left you this book.
Said it contained everything you need to know to run the Guild yourselves.
Well, did he say anything else? Don't sit.
Um The only other thing he said was "My work here is done.
" And then he just disappeared.
Well, who is to be our new Sovereign, then? You know, in its earliest iteration, the Guild didn't even have a Sovereign.
The council of 13 were all equals who ruled by committee.
Preposterous! Without a strong leader, the membership would revolt.
Oh, they're all about to revolt anyway.
Our last "strong leader" left a huge mess after Gargantua-2.
We got to put these people at ease.
The rumor mill runs rampant amongst the rank and file.
I suggest we hold a town-hall meeting to address said rumors.
- Seconded.
- Agreed.
But they must never know how close we came to losing this Guild.
For now, we need to assure them it's business as usual.
No, no, please.
It's you who deserve the applause.
You've been a great audience, and I hope to see all of you when the semester starts.
D-did I miss the tour? The subways are really confusing.
'fraid so, kid.
You're the Venture boy, aren't you? Wh how did you know that? We used to be neighbors! Don't you remember me? Who's Rusty? Uh I'm Rusty! No? Okay, well, while you think about it, how about I show you around? I'm something of a big man on campus around here, and Hey, lover boy! Um, I think that guy's trying to just ignore him.
What, are you working for the weekend? Here, maybe you could use a little pick-me-up! Uh-oh! My campus tour guide sense is telling me Tosh Tompkins is fixing to throw his energy drink at me.
With my incredible spider-esque reflexes, I could easily dodge it.
Or I could spin a web, pretty much any size, to catch it.
But then the whole campus would learn my secret identity.
Are you okay? And that could put my poor old aunt Oh.
Mark Knoepfler crapped his pants! Again! That guy goes here? He's like 40.
Yeah, he's a teacher.
I didn't, you know, crap my pants.
Yeah I-I know.
I remember you now.
Tell me that's the last of these.
You still got St.
Abernathy's, the, ah, Can-do Club, and the Friends of Fox-Fordyce disease.
It's a wonder my brother had any money left.
Can't you do this? No can do.
Already late for me appointment at our queens facility.
'course, I wouldn't have to go if in ya didn't fire everyone else.
Give me regards to the Sebaceous Cyst Society.
Arr! Taxi! Okay, there's four guards in the lobby Checkin' everyone's I.
cards But I happened to steal one a them cards When a very nice guard gave me a quarter Oy! Where'd you get that?! Hey! Hey! Ah! Run! I'm in pursuit! Suspect is fleeing on foot! Youse okay, sir? Oh, ooh! I feel fantastic! Okay, people, please.
Calm down.
One at a time.
My arch died six months ago, and I'm still waiting for a new one.
My disability checks stop coming! This is not growing back.
I am not real gecko.
The website is a total disaster! Epic fail.
Okay, these are valid complaints, people, but we called this meeting to well, why don't I just let the Sovereign tell you himself? Greetings, my loyal constituents.
It is I, your Sovereign, making a rare public appearance to assure you that the Guild is as strong as ever.
I call bullpoo! That's not the Sovereign.
The real Sovereign went ape-o and tried to kill the Council of 13.
I was there! And so was she! All right, the jig is up, Hamilton.
Turn it off and come on out.
No way! If Phantom Limb is the Sovereign, I'm moving to Canada.
No, no, no.
He's not the Sovereign.
The Sovereign The Sovereign is dead.
But the Guild isn't, people! From now on, the Council of 13 will lead us all.
Oh, great.
More anonymous heads in charge.
And where are they? Uh, you're looking at 'em.
Um, shouldn't there be Excellent question.
Uh, we'll be screening candidates to fill the empty seats very soon.
Uh, will the council be more diverse, because, I, for one, would like to see more women in positions of authority.
- And more people of color.
- And more people of color! Maybe? Look, we don't have all the answers right now, but we promise you this the Guild will be great once more, and your Council of 13 is here for you.
What? No.
Why would I want those? Red moco cooler for the Doctor? Ah, don't mind if I do.
What What is all this? Hey, Pop! Welcome to the Hank cave! Hup! Hank, what did you do? Did you know you can buy pretty much anything online? Who is this person? The Amazing Flippo.
He's teaching me trapeze.
Yeah, well, Flippo has to go.
In fact, all of this stuff has to go the video games, the massage chair, the gigantic stuffed giraffe.
Oh, my God! Yeah, I got that one for Dean.
Get it out of my house! No, not Mr.
Reachmore! Boys, just because we're billionaires doesn't mean you can spend my hard-inherited money willy-nilly! - Pbht! Why not? - Because Just hand over your damn credit card, Hank.
Hey, Doc.
You expecting company? I don't know.
Is Flippo's flying family circus bringing lions over? Stand down, Sergeant.
- Brock! - Brock! Agent Brock Samson, Office of Secret Intelligence, reporting for duty.
What do you mean "re-assigned"?! The Ventures were like a family to me! O.
agents have no family but the O.
, Sergeant Sappy.
The game's changed.
Venture's back in the big leagues now, and I need my star player to take the ball.
So, I'm stuck warming the bench? I'm not built for a desk job, General.
Give me a new client.
No dice.
The only unassigned scientist we got right now is, eh, Jimmy Jigowatt out of Deer Park, Texas.
Put me on him, then.
He's a 9-year-old boy genius, and he's cute as a damn button.
You are the last thing I am putting on him.
Choice is yours, Sergeant desk or the door.
I'm waiting! Will you hang on a minute, Doc? I just got to grab my Hey! What the hell are you doing in my room?! Oh, I, uh say, this ain't me treasure chest at all! Uh, my mistake, Brock.
I'll be shovin' off now! Oh, captain, I won't be coming into the office today.
I have a guess we're taking the stairs.
Oh, yeah.
Give it up for me, you beautiful, black bitch.
Whisper sweet nothings in me ear.
So, where we headed? To settle an old score with the Italian.
Little Italy? We could have taken the car, Doc.
Cars are for millionaires, Brock.
My God, it hasn't changed a bit.
Is that the same cat? Buon giorno, signore.
How can I You.
Hello again, Enzo.
Excuse me.
Does this one come in green chain mail? You, out.
You got a lot of a-nerve a-showing your faccia in here.
I'm here to make things right, Enzo.
I wish to see the Ambassador.
No, Brock.
It's a Sicilian thing.
Let no money come between brothers.
He's forgiven me.
Dottore the Rusty, eh? Oh, you look exactly the same! Except-a for no hair and a-very much older.
I will fetch the Ambasciatore.
What the [bleep.]
was that all about? my father's fortune, I placed an order for one of Enzo's "specialty items.
" I never came back for it.
So, who's this ambassador? His boss? It is time.
Presento the Ambasciatore.
My God, Enzo.
It's even more beautiful than I remembered.
- A [bleep.]
jumpsuit? - Santa Maria! Bespoke speedsuit, Brock! Forgive him, Enzo.
Well, I thought it went pretty well.
Oh, yay for you.
You managed to impress a pathetic rabble of third-rate has-beens and never-wases.
Lovely way to talk about your constituents, Hamilton.
He do got a point, though, Madam Monarch.
There wasn't anybody there above a level six.
Well, that's because no one from the New York chapter bothered to show up.
New York has always been aloof, constantly threatening to secede.
If New York secedes, we're done for.
We must reach out to their leadership personally, perhaps offer them a seat on the council.
If we can just land one big fish, the rest will swim along.
I'm glad you agree, because tonight, you've got a date with their biggest fish of all.
Go fish.
- Hey, honey? - Hey, pookums.
Look we found an old deck of cards inside a wall.
I've I've got to go into the city.
Work just sprung this on me.
It's a whole classified thing.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's okay, my little breadwinner.
The Monarch understands.
Mwah! O-kay.
All right.
Let's do this.
If we hurry, we can catch the 6:00 path train to the oh, man.
That commute is brutal.
Can't arching wait till we get a new cocoon? We don't even have henchmen yet.
Disculpeme señor Gary? Ya termine por el dia.
Uh, gracias, Manolo.
Uh, lo veo mañana.
- Manolo! Wait! Wait! - Manolo! Manolo! Manolo! Yeah? Heya, Brock.
Can I borrow your binoculars to look for naked ladies off the roof? Sure.
Oh, god damn, Hank.
Those outfits are killing me.
Every time I see you, I want to wring your neck.
Gosh, Brock.
It's great to have you back, too.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just I can't stand that Bieber kid.
He's such a punk.
Yeah, but chicks dig him.
Nah, Hank.
What chicks really dig is a guy who's confident enough to be himself, like Steve McQueen.
Who? Google him.
Ha! Excellent work, Henchman Uno.
Dejelo corriendo, Manolo.
Lookit these two slobs.
Just as I thought.
Tuck that shirt in.
Please make yourself comfortable, Dr.
the Monarch.
I shall inform our host that you have arrived.
He is most excited to meet you.
Welcome, councilwoman.
You're even lovelier than I'd heard.
Lice, some privacy, please.
I just really want to thank you for seeing me, Wide Wale.
It's no secret that New York is where a lot of the Guild's top-tier villains hang their helmets.
Uh, can can you even hear me? Yes, and you needn't give me the hard sell.
Your Phantom Limb already offered me a seat on the council.
Then why am I here? Because that's not gonna be enough to sway me.
I wish to discuss a deal of a more, uh, personal nature.
Just how far are you willing to go to serve your Guild, councilwoman? Hey, I know her! All right, New York.
Show me something I haven't seen.
Hmm? Well, hello there.
Hey, you guys are early.
Shift doesn't start till Retina scan, please.
I didn't know they had one of these.
Out of the way.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
- Unauthorized entry.
- Nice one, genius.
Oh! Welcome to hell, fellas! Oh, my God! We're locked in an elevator with the devil! Just like that movie "Devil!" Hey, Brock, can I borrow your O.
gas-powered tactical grapple gun? - Thanks! - Huh? Oh, my stars and garters! I have shots fired near Columbus Circle! They came from Ven-Tech Tower! Oh, all right.
Never mind, then.
Hank! No! Some ape threw a kid off the roof! Take him, Archer! I'll save the man-spawn! Warriana, no! Paying customers only.
Holy crap.
Whoever this villain is, he's powerful enough to take out Warriana! Crusaders, convene! Hank! Just hang on! I'm coming! Ow! Ah! Who the [bleep.]
are you? You're dancing with the fallen Archer now, big man! Too bad you've got two left feet.
No, no.
Don't oh, oh, God.
Shit! Don't even try it, big stuff.
Huh? Pop, I think Brock's in trouble.
Oh, just hello? Hold on, son.
Either I just sent you a text, or I accidentally took a picture of my Ew! You did both.
Emergency! Please proceed to the panic room, Dr.
I will subdue the intruders.
Come on, lady, wake up! Huh? Hi.
Hang on, kid.
I've got you.
Who are you? Detective Richard Knight was just an ordinary cop until the night the mob gunned him down and left him for dead.
That was the night he took the law into his own hands.
That was the night he became Night Dick.
What? So, if I do this, the New York chapter will put its full support behind the new Guild? That's the deal.
Not much to ask.
I-I don't know.
It's just my husband Is a mere level 6, whereas I am a full 10.
I was gonna say "jealous" actually.
Emotions have no place here.
This thing of ours this is, uh, purely business.
Hit me again! The dart monkey's still on me back, and he's screamin' bloody murder! That's it.
I'm empty, you freak.
Why are you [bleep.]
holdin' out on me?! Man, screw this.
This is not our night.
And that guy needs help.
You can call Dr.
Drew after you use your claw to gouge out his eye.
Wh What are you, a monster?! Wh For the retina thing.
Just pick him up! Oh, take it! You're one hot mama! I like a big gal! What the hell is going on out here? Didn't I tell you people to buzz off yesterday? Eh, just a little pro bono super-work, courtesy of the C.
! Saved your boy there from this blond bruiser and his killer karate-bot.
They're my bodyguards, Miss Firecracker.
Let them go! They're they're what now? I don't even care about the breast thing.
I want to do you.
'Anna, untie your truth lasso.
What was I saying? - Aah! - Ow! I've been waiting to do that for weeks! That was painful.
I'll take it from here, Sergeant.
Honey? What are you doing here? Get in the car.
Sergeant, these men are poaching on Wide Wale's exclusive arching claim on Dr.
Venture without proper permission.
This is an internal matter for the Guild.
Well, I don't like it, but, all right.
Wait a minute.
There's still a Guild? Nice bluff, sweetie.
Uh, honey? I have some bad news.
"Hostile Makeover" Sorry again about the mix-up, citizen.
We'll, uh, just get out of your hair now.
Wait a minute.
You're just gonna leave this mess? You don't have a Captain Spackle? Only on the gold plan.
Crusaders, de-convene! He laughed at the name.
Keep telling you, man.
I'll see you around, Gargarean.
Hyah! Welcome to New York.
You okay, Hank? Yeah.
I think I might have met a girl.

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