The Venture Bros (2003) s06e08 Episode Script

Red Means Stop

[Water dropping.]
[Chains clanging.]
Ohh! What's? What's going on? No! No! Let me out of here! Come on! Let me out of here! I'll [bleep.]
kill you! You hear me?! Come on! Where are you?! Hey, what do you want? You want money? I have money.
Tell me! You You alive? - Hey.
Hey! You alive?! - [Groans.]
Shut up.
What are you screaming about? Dude! I'm chained to a urinal with a stack of bodies! Hey, did you take my pants? Me?! Are you insane?! I'm chained here, you idiot! Oh, wh hey, so am I.
What the Pants! I want some pants! - Let us out of here! - Help! - Help! - I'm chained to a toilet - with a lunatic in his underpants! - Help! No! - No! I'm not the lunatic! - Help with pants! 6x08 - "Red Means Stop" - Hey, who was on the phone? - My wife.
I've got some good news and some bad news.
- All right, bad news.
- My marriage is falling apart, and I've been masturbating to hentai because I'm lonely - and unable to connect with real people.
- Ohh, God.
What's the good news? Ah, the good news is that my wife and the entire Guild council are in sequester.
So, Kano, my faithful bodyguard and chauffeur, - who is our next victim? - Ohh.
It's too much.
The Wandering Spider? Uh, those darts had neurotoxin in them.
I had a week of priapism, and I still can't feel my toes.
Dude, we have two more to go.
Two! And then we are the only people arching Venture.
Red Death.
Red [bleep.]
He's next.
Arches once a year, leaves a body count [Scoffs.]
no way.
Red Death.
That's why you're so scared? Pushover he's like 80.
Um, Professor Sterling Smart vaporized along with a personal army of like 50 super soldiers.
- Vaporized.
Look it up.
- I will look it up.
- Poof.
Look it up.
- I'll yeah, I'll get back to you.
- Look it up! - Okay! Fine! I'll deal with Red Death alone.
[Birds chirping.]
Girlfriend: "Do you mind if I sit here? My dogs are barking in these new shoes.
" "Lighter? I use matches.
I'm sorry.
" "They're new and made of leather.
" Wait, wh which one are you doing? - I'm doing the smoking one.
- I sent you a new code in the e-mail! Look, whatever.
Do you accept our offer? - Can we rely on you? - The offer's fair.
Off the record, the O.
will help you with your sting.
The rest is up to your decoy.
- You guarantee the Venture's safety? - 100% guaranteed.
We've ascertained that the Blue Morpho's next target is Red Death.
He's the most professional villain still in the game.
Red Death.
The man is a legend.
Good to hear that old son of a buck is still playing hardball.
Phantom Limb: "Do you mind if I sit here? My dogs are barking in these new shoes.
" Ah, give me a break, Limb.
Just sit down.
And, uh, nice hat.
Yeah, same thing.
I don't remember anything.
- I just woke up here.
- Well, there's got to be some reason.
Dude, can you reach that pipe? This is starting to wiggle.
- Yeah, here.
- What the hell? - Why is your chain way longer than mine? - Who cares whose is longer? - What is this? 8th grade gym class? - No, it's just weird.
Okay, w-whatever.
Hold this for a second.
- Aah! - Ohh! Sorry! Sorry! - Right on the knuckle! - This is bad enough.
- Nicely done! - And that makes it worse.
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it kills! Here.
Pull my finger.
- Seriously? A fart joke? - No, you moron.
It's dislocated.
- Just pull it.
- Oh, right, right.
Um, I'm sorry.
Uh [Cracks.]
Did Did you just do that? [Children playing.]
[Gun cocks.]
[Indistinct conversations, laughter.]
- Which one is yours? - Lila.
That little ragamuffin in the rain boots.
She won't take those off, you know.
Not since I read her "Paddington Bear.
" Now it's all rain boots and marmalade sandwiches - for that one.
- She's, uh adorable.
Yeah, she's got a lot of her old man.
- I can't help but see myself in her a little.
- She sure does.
Yeah, she really looks like she does have that - Are you babysitting? - Huh, what? Oh, you know, I take care of a lot of things many things.
You don't have a child, Mr.
So I figured.
You You know who I am? What you've heard of the Mighty Monarch? Oh, of course.
Big fan of your work.
That marionette thing you made for Rusty Venture? - Wonderful.
- Wow, I-I'm flattered.
I Red Death knows my work.
- I mean, that's like - That's my business.
But we're not at the office right now, you see.
And that's the secret.
You got to separate your work from your life.
It's a slippery slope once you start living as your character.
The obsession starts, the darkness a man can do terrible things when he's lost his way.
Terrible things.
[Door opens, car horns blaring.]
Oh, stop! Hey! Uh, no! Stop right there! Oh-ho, this is I am completely not prepared for this.
Please, stop! Why doesn't this lobby have a self-destruct button? - This is madness! - How's it hanging, tough guy? Gah! What is going on here? Reel it in, Hatred.
This is a covert military action.
Lock this place up, take the rest of the day off, and, uh, watch where you point that flashlight.
[Door opens.]
What the hell?! I said we were having supper at 4:00! - And it's 4:30! - What is it, Thanksgiving or something?! Who eats dinner at 4:00?! Supper! Not dinner! Supper! I said supper! - Oh, sorry, honey.
- Supper! I was late because I was talking to Red Death.
God, what the? How did that happen?! Right? And he is the sweetest man in the world and terrifying.
You wouldn't believe it.
- He is so awesome.
- What are we gonna do? I'm not gonna kill him.
No way.
No, we can't kill him.
I'll tell you that right now.
The man is a treasure.
If we do anything sinister, he will murder us in our sleep.
But your mighty leader has come up with a plan.
Hang on, I've been in traffic all day.
I got to piss like secretariat here.
No, Manolo hasn't finished the downstairs bathroom yet.
- You got to use the upstairs one.
- Aah! Fine.
Here turn around.
Don't look.
What?! No! [Unzips, liquid trickling.]
- Don't piss in the sink.
- I think you mean, "don't piss in the sink again.
" "Again today," actually.
[Ice clacking.]
Venture: Small world, isn't it? Me, a handsome billionaire playboy super scientist, you, sent here to help me.
Maybe not sent.
Maybe you're here because you want to be.
Because you're drawn here to me.
Um, we need the civilians out of here.
[Guns cocking.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
All right, let's get this dog and pony show on the damn road already.
Snoopy, give me chatter! The bait, A.
Red Death, is in Long Island preparing.
- No movement.
- What? You're tracking agents of the Guild? How dare you! Like dogs sniffing a cannon barrel, - you will regret your - Whoa, whoa, nobody's tracking anybody! He just called me, I swear! Either that little light show stops or your heart does.
Hamilton, put it back in your pants! We're all here to take down the Blue Morpho.
- How are the decoys going? - Wow, it's like looking into a mirror.
Yeah, if the members of grand funk railroad were behind us.
Yeah, uh, these disguise kits haven't been used since the '70s.
There's a whole bag of false sideburns in there.
- What happened to your eye? - We had them removed and replaced - with a conduit to our display goggle.
- They never stop itching.
I'm gonna set you up right.
Now, I could dump you into a blue speed suit and call it a day, or we could do this right, do this with panache.
Dean, go get your sweater vest.
- Classic model Hank and Dean! - I'm on it! - Uh, your red eye is blinking.
- It is? Oh, great! That's an e-mail I can't read till I put on my goggle.
- One, two, three, shoot! - Once, twice, three, shoot! - Rock.
You lose.
One, two, three, shoot! - Once, twice, three, shoot! - Rock.
You lose again.
- Huh? Paper beats rock! No, it doesn't.
Rock beats everything.
Why do you even play paper? It's stupid.
You should play rock.
It's the best one.
All right, fine.
I'll guard the boys tonight.
But I am keeping this on.
I look great as you! Come on, let's go.
I called my mom, and she's making veal piccata tonight.
It's good.
And I hate veal, usually.
- It's veal piccata! It's great! - Can't wait.
Okay, I'm leaving now.
Don't steal anything.
If you start feeling blue, I might be able to sneak you out some.
I got your back.
You got to stop that, Billy.
Don't eat that.
He's testing you.
What, are you kidding?! I'm starving! There's little hats on the chicken legs and everything.
- I'm eating this! - Don't.
It slides in here three times a day.
It's poisonous.
How do you know it comes three times a day? No, I meant I-I bet it comes three times a day.
It's just that that's, like, recommended because of the food pyramid - with, you know, grains.
- Wait! Come on! Enough! Just how long have you been here?! Weeks.
I can't tell.
Weeks?! And you haven't eaten any of the food? - What What have you been eating? - Uh, them? [Insects buzzing.]
But, like, they were fresh and and mainly the butts.
Not the dirty part of the butts.
- That's, like gross.
- Aah! Help! - Just the the meat.
- Somebody help me! - The butt meat.
- He's a butt-eater! Red Death: Kate, can you refrigerate my dinner in a ziploc? I have an arching tonight.
It's a special one.
Sure, lamb chop.
You want the roll in there with it? No, no.
It gets all mushy in the gravy.
[deep voice.]
Show time.
You want your brownie in there, too, cuddles? [Normal voice.]
Brownies? Yes! Thank you! Shore Leave: Celebrities making out with bridge-and-tunnel nobodies.
Giant chicken dancing with Richie Rich.
Type 0-negative one night, 50 cent the next.
Everyone is welcome.
Everyone gets along.
This is your coming-of-age ritual, boys.
Welcome to the Timelight! [Horns honking.]
So we're coming of age in a mall? What happened?! That is sacrilege! - Yeah! It used to be a church.
- No! Who cares?! It used to be the best club in the city.
Now it's a damn mall! That's sacrilege.
Plan "B.
" We're going to CBGB's.
[Horse whinnies.]
Red Death: Venture! This is your doom! I come for your soul! Die, Doctor Venture! [Laughs evilly.]
Shore Leave: Aw, Brock gets to kick his ass tonight? You know, how come even when I am Brock, I still wish I was Brock? That is something I've been living with my whole life.
#21: Aw, the collar is so itchy.
It's It's, like, real wool, and I am allergic to wool.
I'm allergic to you complaining.
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, dear.
Oh, is there a problem? Sadly.
We are agents of the Guild of calamitous intent, sent at the behest of your husband, Red Death.
Um, he's been compromised, ma'am.
He insists that you take Lila and go to your mother's.
Tell no one, do not answer your cellphone, even if it's from his number.
- This is for your own safety, ma'am.
- Ah, yes.
I-I understand.
Oh, thank you.
- Whoa! Smoking.
- An old man with a red face that doesn't even have a nose on it, and he's married to a model! - He's my hero.
- Oh, we are gonna get vaporized.
- Hey, Rusty, pull my finger! - [Giggles.]
Okay, Uncle Action! I said my finger, Rusty! You pulled the pin out of this grenade! - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! - Oh, no! Cover your head, little guy! [Dog barks.]
Scamp three! No! [Clicks.]
Venture: That stupid "boom" flag went right through my kidney.
My dad removed it that night with a local anesthetic.
I'm awake the whole time.
I'm 8 years old.
Rose: Oh, that's just terrible! Well, how did I know you'd dive on a grenade? Because he has Venture hero blood! 'Cause I couldn't take losing another scamp.
Here's something.
- Rodney killed a baby once.
- Wouldn't surprise me.
Oh, now, Horace! You stop that! - Rodney never killed a baby.
- He did.
He's a baby killer.
Killed a sweet little baby.
It was a werewolf! A werewolf! - It looked like a rabid animal.
- Yeah, that's what he says.
But what I saw was a wee little baby, just laying there with a silver bullet in his brain.
- Wee little baby.
- [Stammers.]
Werewolf! I saved your damn life! Oh, thank you, Rodney.
Thank you so much for saving me from an attacking baby.
Werewolf! It was a small I thought it was a damn ocelot, okay? - [Laughter.]
"Ocelot!" - Okay, baby killer.
In position.
Man: Check.
In position.
- In position.
- In position.
Jinx, owe me a coke! All right.
Mine are in position, too.
Let's give the Blue Morpho a party to crash.
We have villain sign! Okay, hunter.
Time to rock and roll.
That felt cool when I said that.
Red Death: Doctor Venture! Face your doom! Ward: Oh, my goodness! Red Death! [Screams.]
I'm frightened because I'm Dr.
Venture! Help me, Brock! Beep, beep-boo-boo-boo-beep, beep, beep! Go Team Venture! - He's using live rounds! - Cool! We should do this more! - Now that looks really fun.
- I love swimming at night.
No, really.
I think I've met you before.
Wh-What's your job? What is yours? Professional nosey guy? You need to mind your own beeswax.
Do you mind beeswax for a living? Get out of my wax.
I-I swear I've met you before.
It's totally impossible.
I'm a loner.
Yeah, okay, sorry.
I'm just under a lot of stress.
Hey, could you warm this up? It got cold.
I knew it! Maestro Wave! I [bleep.]
knew it! You're a super villain! Okay, I'm a super villain.
Big whoop.
So am I! I'm the Termite! You know, with the the helmet? - I-I'm the I'm the Termite! - The Termite? Wait, with those gross mouth grabby things on the helmet? Yes! Maxilla palps! Those are my maxilla palps! Dude! Eat our way out of here! You can tunnel out! Eat me out! No, wait.
I you know what I mean.
Just tunnel! I need the helmet.
That's how I I'm not really a Termite, dude.
I, uh, approximate a Termite's powers with a helmet.
Watch: I felt like I could've been more in the moment, - more present, you know? - Let the neckerchief be your inspiration.
Oh, don't be so hard on yourselves.
Do you know if we're gonna do a reset? - Oh, gee.
I tripped.
- [Cellphone rings.]
Whoa, ow! Oh, sorry.
That's mine.
Red Death.
Monarch: [distorted.]
Your child and your wife have been kidnapped.
Sign away your arching rights to Dr.
Venture and they will be returned safely in the morning.
- If you don't - [deep voice.]
I don't know who you are, but you have made a very large mistake.
I have a very particular set of skills skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
Release my family, and that will be the end of this.
But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Uh, okay, um sorry? [Phone clicks.]
- Ah, that was so scary! - Ah! - That was so scary! - Oh, God! Oh, my God! - That was so scary! Scary! - That was so [bleep.]
- We have to let them go! - We don't have them! We can't let them go! He's gonna go all Liam Neeson! He's gonna vaporize us! Your father always collected friends presidents, movie stars.
The man slept with Grace Kelly! He even owned a boxer.
So, the Blue Morpho was one of those.
Well, there's no way this new Blue Morpho is the old Blue Morpho.
It's probably somebody like him someone with something to prove, maybe even someone we know.
- Right, Rust? - Well, original Blue Morpho is dead.
I remember Jonas was beside himself with grief.
Kano, too, obviously.
He even cried.
Kano? My dad's big, mute, Asian bodyguard Kano? That guy had no emotions at all.
- Why did he care? - Oh, my God, Rusty! How do you not know that they are the same Kano? It's in the Jonas Venture comics.
Kano joined Team Venture when Blue Morpho was possessed by an alien virus that made him evil.
I wouldn't believe everything you read in those comics, Billy.
Except where it says I kicked ass, 'cause I kicked ass! Well, I'm gonna join the old people and your boyfriend and get to bed.
Don't be such a stranger, Rust.
You're family.
Well, heading home as well.
I'm sure the Blue Morpho sting was a wash out.
Of course it was.
Because the Blue Morpho never showed up, did he? Wink! Whatever.
Say good night to your "boyfriend" for me.
Wink! - We can work this out! - There is no other way.
- There's so many other ways! - This is what he wants.
- It's his plan for me.
- We could set a trap! - I'm so sorry.
- You don't have to do what he says! - You have to die.
It's his plan.
- You have free will! He needs me to feed on your butt.
- Oh, please don't! - I'm sorry.
Oh, God! No! [Horse whinnies.]
I know you're there, Blue Morpho! Return my family or die! [Screams.]
No, no, no! We can explain! - Don't vaporize us! - Your family is at your mother in-law's! I swear! Call there! I swear we didn't touch them! You'd better be telling me the truth, because I swear to [Normal voice.]
Carol? Hi, hi.
Is Kate there? Yes, I'm fine.
Uh, th-there's a bag in the trunk of the car, but can you get Kate, please? Lila needs her corn chips.
Kate, Kate, are you Well, I-I told her that there's some in Sweetie, they don't go stale overnight.
Okay, look, I'll I'll come pick you up soon.
Yes, yes, I'll get more on the way.
Love you, too.
See? Everything is fine.
So, why doesn't the Monarch tell me everything from the beginning.
Well, look who's still here! Waiting for the good doctor, I assume? Nope.
I don't have time for your garbage tonight.
I just got stood up, and I am so tired of him making a fool out of me.
I am going to go look for the Blue Morpho.
I will find him, and I will kill him myself.
And that was supposed to be really dramatic, and I just blew it.
What button do I push here? Is it the star, the "L," the one? [Music.]
Service! Phage: And a return volley! Snoopy: Me, me! Throw it to me! Spike it! - Yes! - Brock: [laughs.]
Nice! - Ward: Guess who's peeing? - Well, what is this?! Hank: Good guys against the bad guys! We're winning! - Why are you on the bad guy's side? - 'Cause Phantom Limb left in a huff.
But mostly 'cause we're winning.
Who wants a doc-tail? The master mixologist in the house! Hold on tight! [All cheering.]
Guild sniper: Yeah, that's what I should've done.
But, I stayed.
Call it loyalty.
Call it dumb.
And she walked all over me.
You don't deserve that.
Nobody understands me like you.
Monarch: It's who I am, without this hate, I'm nothing.
I'm not like you.
I can't just turn this off.
I'm the man who hates Dr.
Venture, period.
We're all villains, Monarch, and with rules, we get to spill blood and taste victory.
Heck, I really wanted to kill someone tonight, you know? But rules.
They help us hate.
Yeah, I tried to tell him that.
Oh, shut up.
This was your idea.
I was young once too, Monarch.
I hated Professor Cadmium so bad.
It was all I thought about.
But, you know, I found a way to deal with my obsession.
What did you do? I'll try anything at this point.
I took a deep breath, I marched right up to him, looked him right in the eye [Deep voice.]
then crushed his skull with my bare hands! Before I burned his house to the ground, I slaughtered his entire family.
[Normal voice.]
And you're the first to know that.
Finish your task, Blue Morpho, then change your ways.
You are so If I were a woman, I would never stop calling you.
Dude, I don't get how you can kill like that, though.
Like, don't you ever feel sad? Me? You've killed a list of villains from what I've heard.
Well, not quite.
Um I got to show you guys something.
[Slurping, munching.]
For you, my masters! I am all villains now! - What is your bidding? - What happened in here?! - You guys weren't supposed to kill each other! - Oh, that's a real You know, if you don't mind, I could solve your problem and feed my problem, as well.
- I'll only need a few minutes.
- Yeah, sure.
Just clean up the bodies with your vaporizing trick when you're done or something.
[Laughs evilly.]
[man screams.]
Ow! I didn't know! Why didn't you tell me we had a bathroom down here? [Up-tempo music plays.]
OSI sniper: When we meet again, it will be as enemies, won't it? No.
Never! You're my friend.
You're my my best friend.
Don't, man.
It's it's too hard.
How will I know you if we meet again? I must know.
Because you'll see this the woman who loves you.
Yes, I am a woman.
And how will I recognize you? Because I had the top of my skull removed, and I have this plastic dome with tubes coming out of it.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode