The Venture Bros (2003) s07e01 Episode Script

...and the Curse of the Haunted Problem

[Indistinct shouting in native language] Venture! [Shouting continues] My God.
There she is.
[Mumbling nervously] Something spooked Swifty real bad, Dr.
V.
I got a bad feeling about this.
Nonsense, Hector.
He's probably just dehydrated.
Maybe, but that thing looks kinda super-evil, man.
[Evil music] Hm.
Well, I'm no Robert Langdon, but that ugly customer probably has something to do with the so-called "cursed temple" the locals were babbling about.
Thankfully, as modern men of science, we're intellectually immune to such superstitious hokum.
[Mumbling continues] Well, now, this is interesting.
[Crunches] Amazingly well-preserved.
It's a miracle it's survived in one piece.
I know the perfect place for it.
Miraculously surviving the blistering re-entry and crash of the Gargantua-1, it stands here today as a fitting tribute to the ingenuity of Dr.
Jonas Venture Sr.
- Oh, boy! - Wow! - Oh! And moving along, if you will step over this way, you'll see the space suit worn by Colonel Lloyd Venture.
[Crunches] What? That's right.
The real first moon landing happened in 19-aught-2.
[Dramatic music] [Electricity crackles, beeps] 7x01 - The Venture Bros and the Curse of the Haunted Problem [Snores lightly] [Alarm clock beeps, triumphant music] Good morning, me! [Grumbles] It's 7:00 a.
m.
Time to get up and start that day! Eh.
[Triumphant music] Good morning, me! It's 7:00 a.
m.
Time to get up and start that day! [Singing] [Static, beeps] Oh, no Not again.
[Gasps] [Haunted murmuring, saxophone music] - It's disgusting! - What the f [Theme music] [claps, TV shuts off] [silent clap, music resumes] [Dean whimpering, grunts] [Yelps] [Grunting] Aah! [Beeping, saxophone music] Ah, God damn it! Huh? [Echoing, distorted groan] You killed us all! You'll die knowing you've done this.
[Grunts] Helper [Beeps] Hey, buddy.
You get spooked, too? Aah! [Vomiting] [Gulping] "Rusty Venture," brought to you b [Yawns] [Sighs] - Good morning, me! - Gah! It's 7:00 a.
m.
- Time to get up and start that day! - Leave me alone already! Aah! [70's disco music] [Gasps] [Music muffled] Aah! Ah! Is everyone okay? Wha Where's Hank? [Gasps] Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I'm I-I-I'm fine.
Someone must have walked over my grave.
- Whoo! [Panting] - So, that was better.
I almost got your shirt off that time.
Yeah.
I tried concentrating on "Walking Dead" zombies, but then Michonne showed up.
[Knock on door] Rocco: Hey, Sirena! Sirena, what are you doing in there? [Groans] Landed on my joystick.
Hey, Usain Bolt.
No kiss good night? Ooh, sorry.
[Knock on door] Hey, you got a boy in there, Sirena? [Hushed] Get out of here before Rocco sees you.
[Knocking continues] What?! I'm trying to do my yoga! In your Victoria's Secret bra? 'Cause usually you wear, like, a sports - you know, like, the Free People.
- Oh, my God.
- What, have you been going - Or you got that one with - through my underwear drawers? - the back that's got the thing.
Race-back.
That's what they call it, right? Ugh, don't even.
Just get out of my way.
I'ma take a shower right now to wash your [bleep] skeeve off of me.
[Ominous music] Maybe you've had enough coffee? Maybe we should call Dr.
Orpheus.
- Dean, don't start this again.
- We gotta do something.
It's getting worse, Doc.
Every night this week.
[Helper chirps] Ah! - Our house is haunted! - Oh, don't be ridiculous.
This is a brand-new building.
It's obviously a computer glitch.
Or is it the ghost of Uncle J.
J.
? You said yourself he appeared to you.
His talking alarm clock appeared to me.
By your logic, Clippy the Paperclip haunts me every time I try to write a letter.
How do you explain the weird voices, the slamming doors, the cold spots? Integrated sound system, automated doors, central air, all computer-controlled.
Someone or something wrote on my stomach from the inside! Residual nanobots or maybe your stomach is begging you to stop this vegetarian nonsense.
Come on.
Eat a bacon, Dean.
No! You're not taking this serious! Just one bacon, that's all I ask.
- No! - I'll take it.
- And why isn't Hank being haunted? - 'Cause I'm a good person? Because nobody's being haunted! It's a computer glitch.
Ugh.
In fact, I'm going downstairs to have it out with my IT guy right now.
Yeah, I came in late.
Have you guys ruled out "Old Lighthouse Keeper in a Rubber Mask" yet? - [full mouth] Haunted? - That's what they think, yeah.
- I live with children.
- I gotta admit, it does get kinda creepy down here late at night.
Don't you start now.
The system was fine until this one started upgrading everything.
One Flash plug-in.
You're the one who just had to see that cat video.
And it was hilarious! Now, have you finished hacking - into the mainframe or whatever? - Yeah, Acid Burn and Zero Cool helped me bypass the encryption.
[Snickers] This one All right.
I got the code up here now, and, uh ah, well.
Huh Well, this is weird.
- What is it, a virus? - Maybe.
I It's hard to tell.
This computer's speaking in tongues or something.
It's like a digital patois of DOS, Pascal, FORTRAN.
Ugh, there's that goddamn song again.
I know this song.
"Street Life" by the Crusaders.
It's on the "Sharky's Machine" soundtrack.
Just delete it, will ya? I heard enough of this last night.
Rust this song isn't in your music library.
Now, how can you be sure? There's like 20,000 songs in there.
I was a college deejay.
This ain't no glitch, Rust.
You are being hacked.
- What? By who? - I don't know.
The Russians? How about that Blue Morpho character? [Chuckles] Yeah, I think we can rule him out.
Yeah, well, whoever's lurking in the system, Professor Pete's Patented Pink Pilgrim Cyber-Snooper will root him out and shut him down.
Sorry, am I supposed to be impressed by your little pink dongle? Ho-oh, you will be, pally.
It, uh, takes a while to load.
Y I don't know.
Maybe go get lunch? [Italian music] [Door opens] [Humming] Hey, Vincenzo.
Got all the lunch deliveries made.
Just let me wash up and I'll help you out with the dough.
You mind explaining this? There's my hat! - Geez, I must have forgot.
- How many times I tell you, when-a you on delivery, you represent-a Vincenzo's! - You wear the hat! - Sorry, sir.
It won't happen again.
No, it won't because-a you fired, Hank Venture! - What?! - Just turn in-a your polo shirt and go! [Softly] You a good boy.
Very good worker.
But you no can work here-a no more.
Vincenzo, w-why are you doing this? [Sniffles] The sign out front, she may say "Vincenzo," but Vincenzo no the boss.
Capiche? La Mano Orca.
Yeah, Vincenzo.
I ca-pish.
[Italian music] Evil! Pure evil! First he locks up my girlfriend, then he takes my job, then he vandalizes my hover-tronic means of personal conveyance! - He's destroying my life.
- Hey, there, uh, Slugger.
Who's put the angry lil bee in your bonnet? - Wide Wale.
- Wide Wa - He's not supposed to - I'm dating his daughter.
Whoa-ho! Dating the enemy's daughter? It's like "Romeo and Juliet," or me and Princess Tiny-feet.
See, her dad was this Native American crime-fighter, name of Chief Justice.
He just about went on the warpath - when I proposed to his little squaw.
- Golly.
What'd you do? I marched right up to his titanium tepee with one of my famous baskets of howdy-do.
- And that worked? - No.
He shot me on the spot.
You know what I did? I shot him right back.
Uh - A-Are they here yet? - Who, the ghosts? Hear me, Ventures! See me! [Music] Never fear! The Order of the Triad is here! Uh, almost.
[Sniffs] New York, just like I pictured it skyscrapers and everything.
[Groans] Damn, my blood eye had its freak on since we hit Jersey.
Town must be crawling with Blackulas.
You sure it ain't just allergies? I packed the Claritin.
What you got, the regular or the D? - D.
- Aw, no way, man.
Can't do the D.
Gives me the jim-jams.
Sirena: Daaa! What the [bleep]! - Language, tadpole! - Fine, why the shit are your goons welding my windows shut? - What am I, your prisoner now? - It ain't like that, sweetheart.
- I'm just trying to keep you safe.
- Ugh! From who Hank? He's a nice boy, Pop.
He's an outsider! Figlio del nemico.
He ain't family.
So what, I'm supposed to date my family? Okay, Dad.
I'll hook up with cousin Salvatore with the lazy eye.
We'll pop out a bunch of flipper babies.
This is why I barred your windows.
This Blue Morpho he don't play by the rules.
I can't risk nothing happening to you.
Hey, Hank.
What are you doing? N-N-Nothing.
W-What areyou doing? Nothing.
Thank you for coming on such short notice.
My apologies for appearing in my astral form, but the Triad and I are currently ensconced in bumper-upon-bumper traffic on your Franklin Delano Roosevelt Drive.
Is Mr.
Samson not joining us? He refuses to sleep in here.
That's how serious this is.
It's scare-a-Brock spooky.
Oh, great! You called him.
But I had to.
You wouldn't listen.
You just kept man-splaining it away.
I was science-splaining, and I told you, it's a computer glitch.
We don't need a "magic man.
" Dr.
Byron Orpheus.
Master Metaphysician, President and founder of the Order of the Triad.
Yes.
Hello, Orpheus.
- I know you.
- Oh, do you? Seven unaccepted friend requests would suggest otherwise.
Never said I was your friend.
You are indeed, and despite your cheeky nonchalance, a friend in need.
Your boy, here, has apprised me of your supernatural quandary.
- Aw, damn.
They got a pool! - Sweet! I packed my trunks.
Eh, you must forgive the boyish exuberance of my compeers.
Since the fire which consumed your former compound, the Triad have been temporarily headquartered in the comparatively modest lodgings of the Rancho Feo Motor Hotel.
- That shithole out on I-25? - The same.
You, however, have done quite well for yourself, Mr.
Venture.
Heated! It's heated! But I fear your success comes at a spiritual price.
Since the moment I arrived, my extra-sensory, um, senses have been acutely aware of an unseen presence.
Mr.
Venture, your home is possessed! [Keyboard keys clacking] [Sighs] Boy, hacker movies always make this seem way more exciting.
Yeah, without the dramatic close-ups and, like, a booming techno score, real-life hacking is just typing.
Throw me a bone, dude.
All right.
Just turn to be dramatically and say, "We're in.
" - We're in.
- Yes! Boom.
- Whoa! - Whoa! What the Ooh, ho! How's that for exciting, huh? - Screw this.
I'm out of here.
- Wait a minute.
Rusty said we had to stay here until this is fixed.
Uh, you're the computer expert.
You stay.
This neuro-geneticist is going the hell home.
All right.
Looks like it's just you and me, old pink pally.
Time to find out what you know.
[Grunts] [Doorbell rings] [Chuckles] You gotta be kidding me.
Greetings.
We got off on the wrong foot.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Hank Venture.
I seek an audience with the great and powerful Wide Wale to bargain for his daughter's hand.
As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift this artisanal pizza.
Kid, you really don't know how to take a hint, so, uh, let me spell it out for you, Hank Venture.
[Grunts] You so much as even look at Sirena again, you'll lose more than your job, hotpants.
50,000 volts straight to your braciole.
Zap.
Nothing but taint left down there.
[Clears throat] My mistake.
D-Don't worry.
You won't be seeing Hank Venture again.
Oh, I ain't worried, peaches.
Light of the ancients.
- Light which is white.
- Light of all-knowing.
All: Reveal the unseen in the shadows of night.
Great, does this make us all Green Lanterns now? The Spell of Revelation compels the demonic presence to become visible, that we may do battle with it.
See, this is why I didn't want Dean to call you, this kinda crap right here.
Did you have to get paint all over my nice marble? The circle's for your protection.
You don't want to do this without a circle! - There was already a huge circle here! - Wasn't magic.
Can we please focus, gentlemen? The demon will try to use your thoughts and desires against you.
All of you, clear your minds.
Al, stop thinking about that robot.
- I can't help it.
He's nutsy - Hey, O.
Demon ain't gonna bring up what happened to my mama, is it? - Well, it will now.
- Yo, Demon, no mamas! [Electricity crackling] [Music] [Ghost shrieking] Okay Those are new.
You're making this worse, now! [Barks] Easy, girl.
Easy.
Uncle Kano's our guest.
You know Kano.
It's Kano.
Oh, goodness.
I don't know what's gotten into Mischa today.
Racist! Racist dog, right there.
Should have seen her haul off on the Con Ed guy yesterday.
Oh, it's just her eyesight's going.
- She's got the cataracts.
- Hot spots and the mange.
You should just put her down already, Horace.
Put you down.
This old gal's still got a lot of fight in her.
Don't you, girl? Don't you? Oh! Thieving black terror.
Go on, then! Have your prize! Don't come crying to me when you have the trots! I'm home.
Please tell me you're all decent this time.
Eh, pull up a chair, laddie.
Wee bit of dim sum left, but you're welcome to fight Mischa for the last rib.
Say, uh, where's your pigmentally challenged better half? Ah, Rusty made him stay late to fix the computer.
He thinks we have a hacker or something.
The screen just totally went nuts and started blasting the theme from "Sharky's Machine.
" Oh, my.
What is it, Rodney? Boys looks like you've seen a ghost.
Oh, no.
It's nothing like that, Rose.
It's just - Dude! - She'll be fine in an hour.
Rodney, fetch us an Uber.
Now tell me, how long has Rusty had the Problem? [All shouting] Shoo! Hey, Al, what are they saying? Uh, "mask" something "Gold mask"? They They want their mask back.
Tell 'em they can have it.
It's right up there.
That is most definitely not a tumbega mask.
- What is that? - Uh, I made it in art class.
Who told you you could take art? - [Barking] God, is that Scamp 1? - Aww! Launched aboard the Ven-Star 1 lunar probe in 1966, Scamp 1 was the first dog to die on the moon.
Aw.
You locked all the doors! Holy Hat Factory! It's the victims of the Great Venture Millinery Fire of 19-aught-7! The deadly blaze began in the attic when a dumpster full of felt straps was struck by a zeppelin.
Yes, yes.
We're getting off-topic here, Sergeant.
Please disperse, spirits.
Please, just move into the light! Or don't.
I really don't care.
We're attempting to speak to another.
Demon, show thyself! [Jazz music] I'll say this Vincenzo makes the best slice in the city.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Almost makes up for him scuffin' my knuckles with his face.
[Chuckles, coughs] [Bodies thuds] Rocco? [Tense music] [Sighs] [Snoring] Daddy, what's going on? Go back to your room, tadpole.
Daddy will handle this.
Slippery little son of a bitch, ain't you, Morpho? I don't know how you got past my boys, but you're swimming with the big fish now.
Show yourself! Who the hell are you? Allow me to introduce-a myself.
[Music] Mi chiamo Matassa.
Enrico Matassa.
Never heard of you.
So, uh, what is this? New guy in town trying to make his rep by taking out the alpha whale? More like an audition to see how easy Enrico Matassa take out-a you best men.
Well, that is just a taste of Enrico Matassa's many-a talents.
Per favore, Don Wide Wale, Enrico Matassa wants to come work for you.
Triad, gird thyselves.
The demon may try to lash out.
[Beeping loudly] Your robot is in the thrall of the demon! He is the Devil's concubine! [Beeps] Probably a computer glitch.
Quickly, Jefferson! The Prisebar of St.
George! Uh, I It's back in the Blood Vessel.
Your sword, then! Make haste! [Grunting] [Crashing, tires squeal] Rusty, wait! Don't! [Door creaks, thuds] What What the hell is that? - Rusty, we can explain.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
- That can't be! That isn't - Rusty.
That's your pop pop.
Wide Wale: Now, I want you to understand what you're getting into, youngblood.
Joining the crew, it's, uh, like a sacred covenant, yeah? You walk through this door, ain't no turning back.
Uh, are you gonna baptize me? Something like that.
[Gasps] Relax, Matassa.
[Chuckles] You want in this family, you gotta do one thing for me first.
Kill this asshole.
Billy: The brain is alive, but it's in a semi-comatose state, but look at this.
Somehow, it's hardwired to all the building's systems.
It's, like, a synthetic nervous system.
There's even a makeshift digestive tract providing nutrients to his biological Wow.
Ew! Excellent source of protein, zero net carbs.
You people did this? What kind of sick Why did you stick my father's head in the Problem Light? It's pronounced Pro-blem Progressive Biological Life Extension Module.
Ol' Jonas gave Team Venture explicit orders to place his body in the Pro-blem in the event of his death.
Geez, I'm gonna have to redo all the narration on this tour.
Well, why didn't anyone ever tell me?! Well, wasn't much of him left for the Pro-blem to work with.
We never expected the blasted light to come on.
And in 30 years, it just never did.
- Yeah, it did.
A couple - Uh, don't interrupt, boy.
- Rusty? - [Bleep] [Coughing] What is that smell? Well, we didn't pack him a toothbrush.
Dad? C-Can you hear me? Rust! I traced the hack! It's coming from inside that thing! Stand back! I gotta sever the hard line! Dr.
Venture: No, White! Don't [Electricity crackling] [Howls] [All screaming] [Glass shattering] [Gasps] [Engine revs, tires squealing] What's happening?! Oh, dear.
He's He's trying to run away! [Title music]