The War at Home s01e13 Episode Script

Three's Company

How was your day, sweetie? You know, busy.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? I'm cleaning up.
Jodi's going to be here any second.
I don't want her to think we live like animals.
Yeah, God forbid, your slutty, drunkie friend looks down on us.
Why couldn't she just stay in a hotel? Because I haven't seen her in a long time and we thought it'd be fun for her to stay here.
It'll be just like when we were in college, except we won't be all optimistic about our futures.
Great, great, for the next two days, you guys are going to be chitchatting about the good old days, downing bottle after bottle of wine.
Oh, how cute.
You're afraid you're going to be left out.
No, I'm afraid I'm going to be included.
Ay-yi-yi, yi-yi.
Hey, hey, hey, what do you got there? Publisher's Clearinghouse.
Cross your fingers, maybe we'll get lucky.
Come here.
Hey, come here, let me see that.
Let me see this.
"East Hills High School, Office of the Principal.
" I don't know, that envelope looks a little small to hold one of those "My Kid's an Honor Student" bumper stickers.
It's a warning notice from history class.
Guess who's in danger of failing again? Ah! History really does repeat itself.
I thought you were going to buckle down in this class.
But it's boring.
Don't you care about getting good grades? Don't you want to get into a decent college? No.
I've thought about this.
If I'm so neurotic and crazy about what college I get into, then I won't enjoy my high school experience.
Well, I know I'm not enjoying your high school experience.
And from the way things are going, it doesn't look like there's ever going to be a college experience either.
If I actually decide I want to go.
What? Oh, you're going to college.
I don't care if it's a clown college, you're going.
Hillary, look, can I be honest with you? Okay, your mother and I are exhausted.
Some days we think we're not gonna make it.
And the only thing that keeps us going is the idea that, one day, we're going to ship you kids off to college and it'll just be the two of us.
I'm begging you.
Please don't shatter our dream.
Mom, it's not fair.
Why do I have to give up my room for your stupid friend? Hey, for your information, that room was supposed to be our guest room.
You're lucky we even let you use it.
-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God! This is like a front-row seat at the Fingernails and Chalkboard Reunion Concert.
Oh Dave, it's good to see you, too.
It's good to see you.
I'm so glad you're not staying at one of the hotels in the area, many of which offer a complimentary buffet breakfast.
I see you haven't changed a bit.
Well, maybe a little.
Hey, Mike, Larry don't just stand there like idiots, say hello to Jodi.
Look at you guys.
Oh, Larry, you're a man.
Not yet.
But you could change that.
And, Mike, look at you, sweetie.
Hey, how you doing? Can I, uh, grab your bags? -I meant take them upstairs.
-Yeah.
-No, let me.
-I got it.
I can't wait to catch up.
I want to hear everything about everything.
But first things first.
No, thanks.
Yeah, right.
No, really.
What, you get drunk on the plane? Uh, no.
A ctually I'm sober.
Yeah, me, too, that's why I thought we'd have some wine.
I'm in AA.
I'm serious.
Yes, I can tell by the fact you're not laughing and you're looking at me like I'm a horrible person.
Oh, my God, I had no idea.
Let me get rid of this.
Yeah, I just got my six-month chip.
Oh, six months! That's not so long! Why don't we call this weekend a freebie and you can start over on Monday? You'll be back to six months before you know it.
I'm joking.
Good for you.
So, Jodi, it seems like this AA thing is really working out good for you.
Yeah, I'm just doing what they tell me to do.
You know, I'm working my steps.
I'm up to "making amends.
" Making amends? Yeah, I have to apologize to anyone I've ever done anything wrong to.
Well, at least I can scratch you off my list while I'm here.
I'm going to go just wash up, huh? -Okay.
-Yeah.
Second door on the right.
What do you think she wants to make amends to me for? Ah, well, uh, maybe because in college she slept with me behind your back and I, um never told you about it.
How the hell would I know? Season 1 - Episode 13 "Three's Company" Transcript RaceMan I'm screwed, Joe.
Totally screwed.
Well, maybe you should've tought of that before you did it with your wife's best friend.
She wasn't my wife yet.
We were just dating.
You know, Vicky was doing the whole "I'm going to make him wait so he wants me even more" thing.
Yeah, my wife still do that to me.
So where was Vicky when all this woing on? She was behind me, rubbing my shoulders going "That-a-boy.
" -For real? -What, are you an idiot? No, she was away on some ski trip.
Anyway, Jodi and I were hanging out in the dorm doing shots tequila.
thing led to another and then -Hold on when you say "one thing led to another," could you be more specific? -It's not porn Joe.
-No I just always wonder how do you go from "we were hanging out" to "one thing led to another"? Because when I was in college one thing never led to another.
Anyway, it wast one time.
But we had the wildest sex ever.
Yeah? She said I did things to her thatno one else has ever done.
Which is saying a lot because everyone else in the dorm had aly done h She kept calling me "Big Dave" because, you know Yeah, yeah, I think I'm starting to prefer the "one thing led to another" version.
Anyway, it was like our little secret, you know? We never even talked about it but now withthis making amends crap Yeah, it sounds like it could be a problem.
When Vicky finds out, she's gonna freak.
You know, she's going to hold this over my head for the rest of my life.
Maybe if I'm lucky she'll just kick me out.
If she does, I'd go to the Ramada Inn.
Not the one at the expressway, the one on Route 110.
It's less noisy.
Ask for Charlie, the night manager.
Sur all the kicked-out husbands get a free newspaper in the morning.
-How are things with your wife? -Getting better.
You're sleeping in my room, but you're not hanging out in here.
Shut up.
This is important.
You playing a game or something? Oh, yeah.
Its called "Look at Mom's Hot Friend Naked.
" I set up a webcam in my room.
And she's about to change her clothes for dinner.
Wow.
I like this game.
Everybody wins.
Where's she going? Hey, guys, how was school? What are you doing? -Nothing.
-Yeah, nothing.
-What is this? -Nothing.
What are you do You set up a wabcamera to spy our friend?! Get outta here.
What, are you crazy? You're disgusting.
Get outta here.
Go get ready forner, you little perv.
Oh, crap.
Oh there you are.
How was your day with Jodi? What's the matter? You look upset.
Are you upset? Is everything okay? No, everything is not okay.
You and I have a big problem.
You might want to look away.
This could get ugly.
Look, Vicky, there's no problem so big that No, no I've had it this time.
Hillary, get in here.
Tell your father what you got on that math test.
Oh.
.
.
eleven.
Please tell me it was out of ten and there was an extra credit question.
There was, but I got it wrong.
I also got 88 other things wrong.
I thought are was over.
Turns out my daughter's just flunking out of school.
It's a good day.
I mean, the way you're going, college isn't even going to be an option.
It's fine with me.
Great, then get used to the idea of having a low-paying job with no opportunities in life.
Oh, that won't happen.
Why not? I'm pretty.
Your mother is pretty, too.
And look where she wound up.
And I go to at least one meeting a day.
Well, except for Wednesdays when I also go to a serenity meeting.
And I check in with my sponsor on the phone an hthis mantra.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things" Well, you know, this is fascinating.
I can hear about this all night.
Frankly, I'm a little jealous that I'm not an addict.
Actually, I'm more interested in that step you're working on now.
What'd you call it, making amends? And I'm supposed to get one? I really don't think that now is the time to talk about that.
Yeah, I agree.
Hey, tell that funny story again about how you blacked out at work then you realized you hit rock bottom.
Go ahead, you tell it better than me.
Dave, Dave, I want to hear about that amends.
I really think that we should wait until the kids go upstairs.
Oh.
Yeah, right.
Kids, go upstairs.
Hey, what's the rush? I thought we were going to have family game night, huh? Who's up for charades? No? Monopoly? Scrabble? Come on, Twister's always a hoot.
You know left foot red, green, blue Nothing? Want to play? Fine.
Anyway, Vicky there's something I'd to say to you that I really should've said a long time ago.
Dave forced himself on me in college.
I didn't want to do it.
But he made me! What?! Dave, you animal! Get out of this house! Yoller see your children or your money again! -No No! -Get out! Yes! Get out! Anyway, the thing is, my sponsor helped me realize that when I was drinking I would engage in destructive behavior usually of the sexual nature.
Wait, you know what? I think there's Amaretto in those cookies.
I think we should get to a meeting right now.
Dave, I haven't had any cookies.
Really? They're delicious.
Dave, please.
wow, this isactually harder than I thought this was going to be.
Um I'm really sorry about that time in college when I when I seduced you, Vicky.
She seduced Vicky? Yes! I'm totally in the clear.
Wait a minute.
She seduced Vicky? You're making a big deal out of nothing.
No.
"Nothing" is I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning.
Having a little session of Girls Going wild with your roommate is definitely worth mentioning.
-Are you done? -No, I'm not done.
I mean, how does something like this happen? I don't know.
We were hanging out and I guess one thing led to another.
Oh, really? Really? Because when I was in college hanging out with the fellas, one thing never led to another.
So I'm just curious.
Did Jodi or did you or did you both? I mean, how exactly did that work? Gee, Dave, you'd think with your video collection, you'd know the answer to that question.
I would like to know, please.
I don't know.
It was a long time ago.
I think I was just doing homework and I had a sore neck and she started massaging my shoulders Ah! I don't wanna hear anymore! Come on, please.
Please.
It was one time.
I was in college.
Hey, I was there to learn.
Come on.
I took art history for a whole semester.
That doesn't mean I want to go to a museum now.
You sure about that? Because there's a lot of female nudie paintings there.
Come on, Dave.
We were just experimenting.
You're not going to obsess about this all night, are you? No.
Good.
Let me ask you a question.
When she's doing the lady business and I'm doing the lady business who's the better businessman? You know what I'm thinking? Yeah, you wish I had boobies? Good night, Dave.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, I'm really sorry about that.
I just assumed that you knew.
I mean, if not, I would have made amends to Vicky when you weren't there.
Yeah, well, apparently, you're pretty good at doing things with Vicky when I'm not there.
Get out, damn it, get out! Jodi would be getting undressed if Dad would just get out of there.
Yeah, hurry.
Get out of there.
Come on, Dad, let Jodi put on her nightie.
Oh, God, what if Jodi sleeps in the nude? The nude? In my bed? Whoa Don't worry.
As soon as Jodi gets naked, you'll get your turn at the telescope.
I better.
Hey! Hey! You! -We're dead.
-Oh, yeah.
Look, I'm sorry all right? I mean the point of making amends isn't to hurt someone else in the process.
Yeah, well, I guess it's better you made amends about this than about the other thing.
Dave, you're going to have to be more specific.
There've been many, many other things.
You know, us.
What about us? You know.
No, I don't.
You know, when we, uh, you know had sex.
Us? Are you sure? When it comes to sex, that question ranks right up there with "Have you started yet?" Wait a second.
You remember every little detail about what happened with you and Vicky, but you can't even remember that you and I even? Dave, it was a lot of bottles of wine ago.
Well, if this is true, I guess I got to go make amends to Vicky for sleeping with you.
What? No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Come on.
A couple seconds ago, you didn't even know and you were there.
And believe me, sweetheart you were there.
Yeah, but it's the right thing to do.
No, it isn't.
Come on! I mean, you just said that point of making amends isn't to hurt someone in the process.
You can't tell her.
Please, just do me this one thing and I'll never ask you for anything again.
Okay? Please, Jodi, I'm begging you.
Oh, my God, flashback.
I do remember having sex with you.
Okay, fine.
I won't say anything.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Jodi.
Thanks.
Thanks for doing this for me.
Whoa, it's all coming back to me now.
Dave I'm really sorry about this whole thing with Jodi.
You have to know that it didn't mean anything.
I never thought it would come up.
But that's no excuse.
I-I really should have told you.
Don't worry about it.
No, no.
It was wrong.
When you're in a marriage, you can't keep secrets.
Otherwise, how could you trust the other person? Look, um honey, look, t-there's something I want to tell you.
What? I really appreciate your honesty.
Night.
I love you.
You're the most important person in the whole world.
Thanks.
Good night.
I had sex with Jodi.
-What?! -I had sex with Jodi and I feel terrible about it.
-Oh, my God! -And if I could do something to make it change You had sex with her? While I was in the other room and your children wen the house? No, no, no.
When we were in college.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
What? Yeah, yeah, when I was on that ski trip, right? You knew about that? Yeah, she told me about it right after it happened.
Oh, okay.
So we're good.
Good night.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
You had the nerve to give me a hard time about this when this whole time you thought you were keeping a secret from me? Vicky, relax, okay? It was a long time ago.
You shouldn't obsess about these things.
It's not a nice color on you.
Okay, you're right.
Hey, wait a second.
If you knew about this the whole time, how come you never said anything to me? Well, I guess it was because when I was on that ski trip, I, uh kinda met this ski instructor and we kind of, you know.
What? Are you kidding me?! We were dating.
How could you do something like that? -Dave! -No, no, no! It was a long time ago.
Right, right.
Hey, just for the record this, uh, ski instructor it was a man, right? Right? Vicky? Yes, Dave, they both were.
So your friend Jodi and I had a nice little chat last night.
Really? Did she tell you about all the dangers of drinking, drugs, casual sex and addiction? Yeah, yeah.
She mentioned something about that.
More important, she told me all about the stuff that you and Ma did in college.
Define "stuff.
" How can you say that college is important when both of you barely even went to class? I mean, Ma you took off for a month to follow the Grateful Dead.
It was a learning experience.
I learned that when somebody offers you pizza with mushrooms at a Dead show it's not what you think.
And Dad you were almost kicked out of your dorm freshman year for growing pot? Excuse me, it was hydroponics, okay? And it was an experiment for botany class and no one ever proved it wasn't.
Yeah, well, the way your friend told it, the two of you were lucky to even graduate.
All right, well, look, just because we did some bad things, doesn't mean you shouldn't go to college.
Wait.
Shouldn't go? Are you kidding me? I can't wait! I mean After hearing all those stories, I knew people partied in college, but I didn't know how much.
I mean, come on.
Whoo! Jodi is on her way up to change right now.
This is our last chance.
What do we do? The bathtub.
The bathtub? Yeah, if you put your eye right up against the shower curtain, you can see through it, but she can't see us.
I don't even want to know how you know that.
Just move over.
Ay-yi-yi-yi.
Oh, yeah.