The War at Home s01e14 Episode Script

How Do You Spell Relief?

Hey.
Hey How was your day? It was okay.
I ordered this little Hummel figurine from QVC.
It's really ugly but it'll take four to six weeks to get here and I wanted something to look forward to.
You know, uh you're not working.
You have the time.
Why not go to the gym? You know, they deduct $20 from our bank account each month.
Why not stop by and make sure they're still in business? Great! You think I'm getting fat? No! No I don't think that.
Just to, you know, to get the endorphins going.
I read somewhere that that's a natural antidepressant.
You know, real antidepressants work swell, too.
Yes! With two houses, you owe me $500.
Great.
I guess I have to sell a hotel.
You can just owe it to me, I guess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're half-Jewish, half-Italian.
Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can, and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.
Relax, Dad.
It's just a stupid game.
Where is that attitude coming from? Ha! You pulled the wrong stick, you spaz! Every marble dropped.
Dad wins again! Yeah, Dad! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, if you're going to play, play to win.
Look, I want you to be more competitive.
You know, maybe you should think about joining a team.
You'll learn important life lessons.
Like what? When washing the quarterback's jockstrap, use bleach? "Pregnancy test"? Hillary! -What? -Come here! What do you want? What the hell is this?! A pregnancy test.
I know that, but how do you know that? Because it says "pregnancy test" on it? What the hell are you doing with this? Nothing.
It's not mine.
And I'm not an idiot.
If it was mine, I wouldn't throw it away in the kitchen.
I'd throw it away in the neighbor's garbage along with the cigarette butts and empty beer bottles.
All right, I want to know what's going on here.
Are you knocked up? I said it wasn't mine! Stop lying to me, okay? You never believe anything that I say! That's because you never tell me the truth! Hey, hey, what is all the screaming about?! -Your daughter's taking pregnancy tests! -It's not mine! Stop lying! Actually, that was mine.
Oh.
Never mind.
Love you! W-W-W-What are you doing taking pregnancy tests? Wanted to find out if I was pregnant.
Season 1 Episode 14 " How Do You Spell Relief? " Transcript RaceMan Are you? Huh? Are you pregnant? Is that what you're telling me? Are you telling me that you're pregnant? Well, all three times I had to tell you that, I made you a nice meal and got you all liquored up first.
Yeah, well, I'm hungry and sober, so I'm not pregnant.
Thank God! Wait a second.
Why would you even think you're pregnant? You're on the pill, right? You are on the pill, aren't you? Technically, no.
Technically? Vicky, come on, I don't want "technically.
" Okay, we already have three accidents.
I mean, Allstate won't even insure that uterus, okay? What's your problem? My stupid book report is due tomorrow and this book is, like, 300 pages.
Hey, I read this book when I was in your grade.
Really? Can you tell me about it? I can do better than that.
I think I still have my book report on it.
Oh.
No, thanks.
I think I can fail on my own.
I'm pretty sure I got a "B" on it.
Really? Were you sleeping with your teacher? No.
And if I was I would've gotten an "A.
" Look, if you don't want it No, no, no.
I do.
I do.
I do.
But, uh, what's the catch? I'm your sister.
Can't I just be nice? Thanks.
I really appreciate it.
The first one's always free.
That's how you get them hooked.
Whoa.
What was that about? I'm just really in the mood.
Sorry, don't have time to say anything.
I've got to take care of business.
-Baby, uh -Yeah? don't you think we should take some precautions? -Yeah, yeah -I'm good to go.
Okay.
Good.
Come here.
Hey, uh, what exactly does that mean, you know, "good to go"? It means, don't worry about it.
Come on, baby, we just dodged a bullet.
Don't you think we should be more careful before firing the gun again? Well you know, cannon.
You don't want to end up pregnant.
Oh, come on, baby.
Would it really be the end of the world, you know if we did have another baby? What?! No, no, no no, no no No! -Why? -Are you crazy?! Come on, we're at the home stretch here.
That'd be like running a marathon, seeing the finish line and going, "You know what? I'm going to start all over from the beginning!" Come on I want to be pregnant.
I'm happy when I'm pregnant.
And don't forget, we have great sex when I'm pregnant.
Hey Guess what I'm in the mood for? Look, I know what this is about.
You're bored because you lost your job and you don't know what to do, but baby, come on, you're moving backwards, not forwards.
That's not true at all! Now do me! I'm sorry; I'm going to have to pass this time.
No glove, no love.
Hey, uh, Dad um, I heard what you said the other day, and I decided to get involved in an activity at school.
Can you sign this permission slip? Yeah.
This is great! What's it for? Basketball football tennis? The spelling bee? Yeah, you said you wanted me to compete in something and at least in the spelling bee, I won't get injured.
Plus, I'm really excited about this and I really think this will be good for me.
And I really hope that this will get him off my back.
Okay.
Good.
This is good.
Okay.
There you go.
All right.
Today the spelling bee.
Tomorrow the football team.
Well, maybe the bowling team.
There she is! The best sister in the world.
Let me guess.
You want another book report.
Yes, could you, uh, hook a brother up? I've got a Catcher in the Rye that got an A-minus.
Here you go.
Sweet.
Thanks.
That'll be $25, please.
What? I'm not paying you.
Forget it.
I'll do it on my own.
Okay.
Twenty-five Hey, I'm low on cash.
-Can I sign over a birthday check from Grandma? -Sure.
He's hooked.
He'll be back for more.
Hey.
Hey.
What do you got there? Frosting.
You made a cake? Nope.
All right, that's it! We're finding you a new job.
Why? Because I want you to be happy and satisfied, sweetie.
What have we got here? Let me see Retail sales? Ew! Telemarketing? Yuck! What about a dog walker? Yeah, great.
Like I don't pick up enough crap around here.
Well, sweetie, what do you want to do? I told you.
I want to be a mother.
Congratulations! It's a girl and two boys.
Go mother them.
Hey, Mike, how you doing? Come over here and hang out with your mom.
Sorry, you know, I can't.
I have, uh school work.
You know, a book report, so I can help with that.
I read all of Hillary's book reports.
Let me read yours, come on.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't want to read mine.
You know, you've read one, you've read them all.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
Hey, you want to watch The Sound of Music? That's okay.
Twice in one week is enough, Mom.
Hey, hey, what have you got there? Nothing.
Just a trophy.
A trophy?! A trophy?! How did you get a trophy?! I won the spelling bee.
You won? You won?! Wait a minute You won? -Yeah.
-Yes! You won! You won yes! Way to go, Larry.
Way to go, man! -Thanks, Dad.
-Way to go.
Wow Look at that.
All right, so, what happens now? I go to the Nassau County Regionals.
Yes! We're going to the Regionals! That's great! Yes! Uh, Dad I wouldn't get your hopes up.
I mean, I'm just happy to participate.
To hell with that.
We don't go to participate, we go to win! First the Regionals, then the State, then the Nationals! We're going all the way, baby! This is our year, baby! Okay, all right.
We don't want to put too much pressure on Larry.
We don't want another go-kart incident.
One leg is already a quarter-inch shorter than the other.
Pressure? No, pressure's good, okay? When Superman wants to make a diamond, he takes a piece of coal and he squeezes it.
And he squeezes the hell of it, okay? And that's what I'm going to do to you, Larry.
Uh, Dad, I don't think that's going to turn me into a diamond.
I just I just think it's going to make blood come out of my mouth.
Okay, we only have a week to get ready.
We have a lot of work ahead of us.
What's with all this "we" and "us" stuff? I'm gonna train you.
You're gonna train? Can you even spell? Don't worry about me training him, okay? I potty-trained him, remember? He goes like a pro.
# A-B-C # # Easy as one-two-three # # As simple as Do-Re-Mi # # A-B-C, one-two-three # Correct.
Hyperventilate.
Hyperventilate.
H-y-p-e-r- v-e-n-t-i-l-a-t-e.
Pandemonium.
Pandemonium.
P-a-n-d- e-m-o-n-i-u-m.
-Pandemonium.
-Correct.
-Dad, I'm kind of getting tired.
You're not getting tired.
You're getting fatigued.
Now, spell it.
# How to get an "A" # # Listen to me, baby, that's all you gotta do, one-two-three # Back to work! Hey, Larry, why don't you enter a spelling bee? That will get your dad off your back.
So, how's things with Vicky? Not so good.
We haven't had sex in almost two weeks.
Yeah? Get back to me when you hit two months.
-So what's with her? -She's not happy.
You know, when she's not happy, I'm not happy.
And you know who's least happy, ironically? Mr.
Happy.
I thought you told her to concentrate on the kids.
Yeah, that didn't work out so good.
They didn't want anything to do with her.
Now she's back on this "having a baby" idea.
Well, there's a simple solution to that problem.
Snip-snip.
Yeah, not for me.
Okay? I'm Jewish.
One snip-snip down there was enough for a lifetime.
We just have to wait it out till she gets off this baby thing.
You're lucky she can even have kids.
My sister and her husband have been trying for three years.
They've tried everything.
Now they're going to have to hire a surrogate.
Really? Yeah, and it's going to cost them over 40 grand.
Really? You want me to be a surrogate? You won't let anyone touch your golf clubs and you want to rent out my uterus? Thanks a lot, Dave.
No, no, don't thank me.
Thank Joe.
It was his stupid idea.
What the hell are you talking to Joe about this for? My most personal, intimate, private issues.
It wasn't just Joe.
I talk to a lot of people at work about this.
Because you're driving me nuts, you know? You're upset and I don't know how to help you and that makes me upset.
Look, you know, I love you.
I just I don't know what to do for you.
You are such a man.
You can't just take out your toolbox and fix me.
Finding a solution is not going to solve my problems.
All right, then what do you want from me? I just want you to listen and, and try to understand what I'm going through.
Okay, okay, sweetie.
Tell me, please, what are you going through? I don't know! I gave up my career to raise my kids, and the whole time I was thinking, "Okay, once they grow up, I can just waltz back in and get my career back.
" Well, guess what.
That didn't work.
And now my kids don't need me, and soon they'll be gone and I'll have no kids and no career and no nothing.
I'll just have you! Did I mention it pays 40 grand? "Regurgitate.
" R-e-g- Miss, miss! a-t-e.
Regurgitate.
Correct.
We will now take a five-minute break.
Ah! You're doing great, sweetie.
Look, we got this in the bag.
I just want to review a few things.
Hey, hey, what are you looking at, okay? Stop trying to steal signals.
It's all about strategy at this point.
Hey, hey, Dad, please, could you just give me a second to breathe? Okay, you're freaking him out.
Put that camera down, Vicky.
Yeah, you're right.
Maybe I should get somebody else to record it for me like a surrogate.
Don't worry about her.
I've been sizing up the competition.
Fatso Sweatso--he's going to fold like a house of blubber.
And the blonde chick doesn't have what it takes because, you know she's blonde.
But the one I'm worried about is the Asian chick because you know, she's Asian, all right? You got to get in her head, all right? You got to psych her out.
Hey, hey, you're psyching me out, okay? I can't stand this anymore.
I don't even care if I win.
What? Don't say that.
Come on.
We worked hard.
All right? This is important.
You got to It's important to you, not to me.
I just want to get through it.
Now, please, just leave me alone, okay? All right, all right, that's the fighting spirit we're looking for.
Your dad giving you a hard time? Yeah.
I know how you feel.
My mother will kill me if I don't win.
I'm sure she won't do that.
Well, if she doesn't, maybe we can get together sometime.
You're cute.
Intercourse.
I-n-t-e-r-c-o-u-r-s-e.
Intercourse.
Hey, I need another book report.
Any book, "B" or better.
I have an "A-" paper you can have.
Stop talking, start printing.
Ooh, sorry.
Price has gone up.
It's now $50.
What? You can't do that.
You would.
You know what? Forget it.
I don't need you.
I can just steal it right off her computer.
M-i-s-a-n-t-h-r-o-p-e.
Misanthrope.
Correct.
Ha! That's in your face.
That's in your face, lady.
He can go all night.
Do it all night.
The word is "Neanderthal.
" Neanderthal.
Definition, please? Neanderthal: noun.
"A crude, boorish insensitive person.
" I spell it D-a-v-e.
t-h-a-l.
Neanderthal.
-Correct.
-No, she took too long, ref! Ref, she took too long! Can I get a call here? Can I get a call here?! -Please.
-She took too long! Bronchial.
Bronchial.
Come on, Larry.
Bring it home.
Come on.
Take her down.
Take her down.
B-r-o- Come on.
n-c-i-a-l.
Bronchial.
That is incorrect.
No! He called time-out! He called time-out! Please sit down.
You want to step in the parking lot? Bronchial.
B-r-o-n-c-h-i-a-l.
Bronchial.
That is correct.
And we have a winner.
Congratulations.
-And congratulations to you, son.
-Thanks.
Uh, congratulations.
So how about we go out and celebrate your victory, huh? I don't think so.
I have a boyfriend.
B-i-t-c-h.
Great job, honey.
Listen, I'm going to see you at home.
I'm proud of you.
Second place.
Not too bad, huh? I know you know how to spell bronchial.
It's right on the back of your inhaler.
There's a lot of pressure up there, Dad.
No, no, no.
You threw the competition.
You lost on purpose, and I know exactly why you did it.
-You do? -Yeah, because you're mad at me, and that sucks.
Maybe I did push you.
Maybe I did want you to win a little bit for me.
But I also wanted this to be something we could do together, you know, for you.
And you just threw it all away because you're mad at me? I didn't let her win because of you.
I did it 'cause I thought I could get some action off her.
Oh, okay.
Because the only reason to win is to get some action.
But you just skipped a step.
Way to go, champ.
Hey, you know, uh I've been doing a lot of thinking, and you know what? I mean, this is what we do, right? The kids, the house, the whole thing.
You know, so maybe it won't be such a bad idea if we had another kid.
What?! God, no, I don't want another baby.
That'd be like saying, "No, thanks, Parole Board, I think I'll just stick around the prison another 18 years.
" Vicky, you said you wanted one.
You keep Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was in a funk.
Listen, I ran into Jill Schwartzman in the parking lot, and long story short, I'm going to be working at her interior design firm.
I start on Monday.
Oh.
But when I said you should get a job, you said I was just trying to solve your problems.
But I was right, right? Stop trying to take credit for everything, Dave.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So maybe this is a good time that we get, you know reacquainted.
Sounds good to me.
Hey, uh, don't you think we should, uh, you know, take some precautions? Yeah.
Oh, I threw away all my precautions.
Don't you have any precautions? No, I don't have any.
Maybe Larry has some.
I'll just go to the drugstore.
Well, we have a real treat today, students.
Michael, would you come up here and read your book report? Yeah.
"Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.
" Please continue, Mike.
"As a 13-year-old girl who just got her period for the first time I really related to this book.
" Continue, Mike.
"I remember the day that I became a woman like it was yesterday.
"