The War at Home s01e16 Episode Script

Oh Grow Up

Hey, I need you do me a favor this afternoon.
Me? Why can't you do it? You don't even know what it is.
Sorry what is it? I need you take Hillary to her doctor's appointment.
Me? Why t you do it? Because this is the first design client that Jill's letting me handle all by myself, itmportant that I do a good job.
And that's going to be really hard because I have no idea what I'm doing.
That's the same thing you said the first time we had sex, and as I recall, you were a pretty fast learner.
Yeah, well, when the whole thing last a minute and a half you have to learn fast.
Her appointment's at 5:00.
-Fine, fine.
Where am I taking her? -To the gynecologist.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not my area.
I mean, that is my area, but only when that area is your area.
her areathat out of my area.
Come on , honey.
Could you please be a little bite mature about this? You know, I hate when you say that.
You're always calling me immature, bu I'm not imature.
I just don't want to take her to the gynecologist's office, because, you know it's ickie and gross.
Can't you, uh, reschedule? No.
Hillary can't wait.
Why not? What's so important? -You really want to know? -Yeah.
-Are you sure? -Yes! Hillary tell your father why you have to see the gynecologist today.
Because I have terrible PMS and cramps and bloating and a very heavy flow.
Aah, aah, okay, okay, that's enough.
I heard enough I'll take her, just stop talking.
-No, no.
-Hey, Mike.
Who was that? Nobody.
Hey-hey, look at that.
"Ten New Ways to Please Your Husband.
" Huh? I'll just leave that conveniently on the nightstand for the wife to find, you know? Jonathan.
Jonathan Vogel.
Hey-hey-hay--Dave Gold.
Wow, man It's been forever.
I haven't seen you since, uh, what high school.
Yeah man, it's was a long time.
Hey, what was your nickname back then.
Oh yeah The Devirginator.
-Long time ago, Dave.
-Yeah, yeah, listen up.
Take my card, we should, huh stay in touch, catch up, have a beer or something.
-Yeah that'd be a great idea.
Oh, so you're selling insurance.
I always figured you'd end up in jail.
That makes two of us.
It's so funny to see you here.
I'm waiting for my daughter.
What are you doing here? Thanks for everything Dr.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Hillary.
Hey, what do you know? The horniest hound from my highschool is my daughter's gynecologist.
No! Season 1 Episode 16 "Oh Grow Up" Transcript RaceMan You're watching Fear Factor.
Why are you crying? Because she ate cow eyeballs and only came in second place Hey, Larry, can I borrow your stopwatch? Larry? Hello? Uh, I need to borrow your stopwatch for my science homework.
I'm sorry, is someone talking to me? Yes, freak! Oh, I'm the freak? Well, I'm not the one standing in the middle of the room talking to nobody.
That's who I am, right, nobody? Would you guys hold it down? I have terrible cramps and a migraine.
Hey, you know what? You also have your own room.
Why did you dis me in front of all your friends? I'm nobody? What's that about? All right, look, Larry, I'm sorry I called you a nobody, okay? Next time someone asks me who you are, I'll say, "my loser brother," all right? Hey, make up your mind! Am I a loser, a freak, or a nobody? D-- all of the above.
-Hey, babe.
Things with the client went great, thanks for asking.
Oh, oh, sorry.
How'd things with the client go, sweetie? We spent an hour discussing shelving options for her crystal owl collection.
And I think we finally settled on who cares? So, how did Hillary's doctor appointment go? All right, all right.
I could go crazy and yell and scream that Hillary is never gonna see that doctor again, but if I do that, I won't get my way.
So I'm going to try something different.
Being mature.
Actually, a funny thing happened at the gyno's office.
It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with.
You're kidding.
You know Dr.
Vogel? Oh, yeah, I know all about him.
Let's just say, he turned his hobby into his career.
What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club? In a matter of speaking, yes.
I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants.
At least back then he had to work at it.
Now all he has to do is say: Next! Come on.
There's not a gynecologist who wasn't a horny teenager at one point.
I've been going to Dr.
Vogel for, like, three years now, and he's been nothing but professional Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's, uh, he's seen you, too? Not only has he seen me, I paid him to look at it.
It's not the sexiest of situations.
What exactly do you think goes on in there? No, no, no.
It's not what goes on in there it's what goes on in here.
I'm telling you, Vicky, this guy enjoys his job a little too much.
I should find a gynecologist who just doesn't give a crap.
Okay, maybe I'm not communicating effectively here, so, let me try again.
Jonathan Vogel is someone that I know, and it makes me uncomfortable thinking about him seeing you and Hillary and discussing sex things.
You can understand that, can't you, sweetie? Absolutely.
So you'll find a new doctor? Absolutely not.
Come on! Come on.
I've been very mature about this.
I discussed it calmly and rationally.
I didn't even scream or yell.
-Come on.
You mean like you're doing now? That's 'cause you're making me! Hey, just because you handled it maturely doesn't mean you get what you want.
But that's not fair! I'm sorry if it bothers you, but I think Vogel is an excellent doctor, and I'm very comfortable with him.
-Well, I'm not.
Then I suggest that you don't let him examine your vagina.
You are such a drama queen.
I am not a queen! I'm a man! -What's with those two? -I don't know.
I have no idea.
They've been going at it for two beers now.
You're a total idiot, you know that? Ooh, you called me an idiot.
That really hurts my feelings.
What's wrong? Mike really hurt my feelings.
If Mike said something to hurt your feelings, you need to talk it out with him.
Yeah, words can hurt, but words can also heal.
And words could also make you barf.
-Talk it out, huh? -Yup.
Well, maybe you're right.
-Thanks, Mom.
-Sure, babe.
Baby, what was that about? It's called parenting, Dave.
You might want to try it before they leave for college.
Vicky, they're brothers, okay? Sometimes you got to let them go at it and work it out themselves.
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
This coming from a guy who hasn't spoken to his own brother in, what, two years? Hey, this has nothing to do with me and Eric not talking to each other, okay? Us not talking-- it's all part of our process.
Is that what you want for Mike and Larry-- to just stop talking to each other for the rest of their lives? No.
What Mike and Larry are dealing with is completely different, okay? This is a nothing, who-cares everyday argument.
As I recall, you stopped talking to your brother because he said Derek Jeter was totally overrated.
He had no right! Yeah, may I speak to Dr.
Vogel, please? Yeah, tell him Dave Gold's on the phone for him.
What are you calling Dr.
Vogel for? To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.
Dad, I just asked you a simple question.
Why can't you answer me? Why are you calling him? Why?! It's not to thank him for curing your PMS.
Oh, God! Dave, what's going on? Yeah, listen, there's something that we need to talk about.
I think I'm thinking the same thing.
I was just about to call you.
Oh, great.
You know, I was afraid this call was gonna be a little awkward.
No, no, not at all.
If I'm going to buy insurance, it might as well be from an old friend, right? Insurance? Yeah, the medical group I work with has been talking about revisiting our malpractice coverage and disability insurance.
# Money, money, money, money # # Money.
# Yeah, well, this call's a lot less awkward than I thought it would be.
So So, what I'm saying is, when you said that, it made me feel hurt and disrespected.
But the words we use to hurt can also be used to heal, and I think -Okay, I'm going to stop you there.
I'll be in the bathroom taking a shower, so you may have to wait a few minutes in case you need to change your tampon.
You're a tampon tampon! Yeah.
What are you fighting for so early in the morning, huh? How many times have I told you? Wait till I leave for work.
Dad I'm the older brother.
It-It isn't right! He's supposed to respect me.
Larry, the reason why you don't get respect is because you don't command respect.
But I-I did what Mom said, I talked to him.
Yeah, with all due respect to your mother, she's a girl.
-She is? -Yeah.
And girls are all about, blah blah blah, share your feeling s,blah, blah, blah.
I not gonna change gynecologists, blah, blah, blah.
All right? But you and me-- we're guys.
-We are? -Yeah.
And guys don't politely ask for respect.
We demand it, all right? So be a man, be tough, and you'll earn your brother's respect.
Oh, okay.
-Thanks, Dad.
-All right.
Try parenting them before they go to college.
If it wasn't for me, Larry wouldn't even know he was a guy.
Listen, sweetie, I've been thinking about this whole gyno thing Oh, please, Dave, I really don't want to hear it again.
Fine, fine.
If you don't want to hear that I'm big enough to admit that you 100% right, and I don't have a problem with you seeing Dr.
Vogel again never mind.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Go on.
That's pretty much all I got.
Thank you, honey.
That's very mature of you.
Hey, growing and changing--that's my motto.
It's better than your old motto.
Hey, it's a natural body function, deal with it.
Oh, uh, by the way, could you whip up some hors d'oeuvrey things tomorrow night? I got a potential big, new client coming over.
Oh, yeah.
How big we talking? "I'm getting a new car" big, or "we can stop buying generic ketchup" big? I don't know.
I might be doing the guy's entire medical practice.
# Money, money, money, money # # Money # That is great, Dave.
I mean, this is just the kind of stuff you've been talk ing about getting into.
I'm really proud of you.
What kind of a doctor is he? This is really funny.
You're going to laugh.
It's Dr.
Vogel, isn't it? Yeah, but you're not laughing and you're supposed to be.
Or maybe you're laughing on the inside, huh? So you had a problem with me doing business with Dr.
Vogel until suddenly, you had business to do with Dr.
First of all, first of all, when I do business with him, my pants aren't off, and my feet aren't in the air.
And you wonder why you've never been salesman of the month.
Look, did I overreact when I saw him? Yes.
Did I come to my senses? Yes.
Do I have an opportunity to make some money now? Yes.
But give me some credit.
I've grown, I've changed.
Unless you don't want me to grow or change.
Hey, I would love a mature, evolved husband, but I married you.
I'm sick of this crap! I'm your older brother, and you're going to learn to respect me! Okay, whatever.
Hey, I mean it! Ow! Okay, you know what? You need to get out of here.
I'll get out of here when I want to get out of here! That's it.
You're dead! What is wrong with those two? That's it, Dave, we have to do something.
Vicky, come on.
They're boys, all right? This is what they need to do.
Look, I know you didn't want three kids, but killing off one in a death match is not the solution.
Come on, Vicky, listen to me.
He tried doing things your way, and it made things worse, okay? Now he's going to try doing things my way.
Your way leads to brothers never speaking again.
Would you just trust me? -I know exactly what I'm doing.
-Whoa! Oh, my God! -Mike, are you all right?! -Ow! My finger, it's broken.
-You broke my finger, Larry! -Nice.
Don't worry.
It's all part of the process.
We've got to get him to an emergency room.
I'm really sorry, Mike! I didn't want I didn't mean to push you down the I never meant for that to happen.
I just wanted him to treat me like I mattered.
You matter.
You matter! I need a choc-o-dile.
Mike! Are you okay? He's fine.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to Are you even going to talk to me? I'll be the first one to sign your finger.
Come on, Mike, don't be like that.
He's your brother.
Say something.
So, as you can see, our rates are very competitive, but I suggest you talk to other agents, because I would like Hi, Dr.
Oh, hi, Hillary.
Hillary, what the hell are you wearing? We have people in the house.
Hey, Dave, don't worry.
I mean, I have seen it all before.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? I have a niece that age.
I know how they dress.
R ight.
See? I handled that okay.
And Vicky doesn't think I'm mature, eh? That's for you, Vicky.
Hillary, would you excuse us? The Doctor and I are doing a little business.
She's a lovely girl, Dave.
-Thank you! -Get out of here! Wow, she's really becoming a woman, huh? Yeah, yeah, but has she become a woman yet? You know? No, I don't know.
Well, you know how when you buy a jar of peanuts and it's got that plastic seal thing on the top? Well, is Hillary still, you know vacuum-packed? Uh, Dave, I really can't discuss my patients with anyone.
No, I understand.
So I'm going to assume everything is as it should be unless you, you know cough right now.
Dave, why don't we go back to talking about insurance, huh? You didn't cough, so let's get back to business.
The thing is, your liability Hey, Dr.
Hey, Vicky.
Wow! DAVE: Yeah, Vicky.
Why the hell do you look so good? Dave, you spoil me with all those compliments.
Well, it's certainly nice to see you wearing something besides a paper gown.
Ha, ha, ha ha, ha, ha That's not funny.
But I'm going to be mature, let it go and get this deal done.
Honey, you didn't offer the doctor anything to eat or drink.
Excuse me.
Can you give me a hand in the kitchen? I'll be right back.
What the hell is wrong with you? Me? What the hell is wrong with you? And why are you dressed like that? -What? We're entertaining.
-Yeah, but not the troops.
Give me a break.
I thought he was an important client and you wanted to impress him.
I'm sorry if I dressed nice and I was pleasant to him.
I hope I didn't blow the deal.
You find him attractive, don't you? Please.
He's wildly successful, he's built like a brick house, and he could be a male model.
He's obviously not my type.
Hey, anything I can help with? Yes, you can try my latkes with smoked salmon.
Honey, could you pour the doctor a glass of wine, please? Mm You're a lucky guy, Dave.
My wife never puts out as much as Vicky does.
Oh, great.
The garbage disposal is all backed up.
Don't worry, we'll get the plumber here tomorrow.
Oh, no, no, no, hey, hey.
Let me take a look there.
Maybe I can help.
You sure? Mm-hmm.
All right.
I'm just going to slide my hand in there.
Be careful.
No, it's all right, Vicky.
I've done this a million times.
Almost got it.
Ah, here it is.
Here it is.
It should work fine now.
Thank you.
Oh, but I do have to tell you your disposal will never have children.
You're hilarious, Vogel.
You know what's not hilarious? When a doctor kills one of his patients by accident.
Let's get back to the malpractice stuff, okay? You know who Vicky reminds me of? Remember that girl in senior year you were dying to go out with.
What was her name? Alison Kelly.
Oh, God, yeah! Oh, man, was she a wild one! How would you know? Oh, come on, Dave, you remember what I was like back then, huh? Huh? You know what? I do remember, Vogel, okay? And let me tell you something.
You're not fooling me, okay? You haven't changed one bit.
I can see it in your eyes, all right? Once a hound, always a hound.
-Dave, what's going on? -What's going on? What do you think? I'm going to just sit here and smile while you small-talk my wife and you clean out her drain, and compliment her spread, knowing all too well that you've seen her in ways I had to marry her to see.
All right, well, get her drunk to see.
Dave, I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm a doctor, I've taken an oath.
Really? I think I remember the oath you took in high school.
Wasn't it to see as many naked girls as possible, huh? Well, I'm gonna tell you something right now, Vogel.
You've taken your last looky-loo at my wife and daughter.
Look, I've grown up, Dave.
Haven't you? No, I haven't.
I haven't grown up one bit, okay? 'Cause people don't change.
All right, you know what, Dave? People do change.
For instance, I've changed my mind about doing business with you.
-Oh, whoop-de-do.
-No, Dr.
Vogel, I'm sure Dave No, no, no, I'm sorry, Vicky.
I think you and Hillary should find another new doctor.
What? Dr.
Vogel, please.
Oh, and you know what, Dave? I do know the answer to your question about the vacuum seal, but I'm not going to tell you.
I hope you're happy.
You know, you blew the deal, I got to find a new gynecologist, and you haven't matured one bit.
All right, all right.
It's not all bad.
I mean, at least the disposal's fixed, right? -I'm going to kill you! -No way! You're dead! Will you two knock it off?! You're just playing a game? Yeah, I'm destroying him.
So, you're not fighting anymore? Nah, we're over it.
Good for you.
You really suck at this.
I have a broken finger, you dumbass.
Ow! What the hell was that about?! Yeah, that sounds like something you would do.
Oh, come on.
Like you could actually afford that.
Besides, Jews and boats don't mix.
No, I'm not saying that because you make more money than I make.
You don't know what I make.
Fine, that is what I make.
But that's not the point.
No, my bald spot isn't bigger than yours.
You know what? No, you go to hell! No, no.
No, screw you! How about that?! -Who was that? -My brother.
We're back in touch.
Hey, sweetie.
Is it safe to talk to you now? Oh, Daddy, I'm fine now.
Thank God for those pills that Dr.
Vogel prescribed for me.
I mean, I don't know what I would do without him.
Well, we'll talk about him later.
I'm just glad you're feeling better and the nightmare is over.
Hey, how you doing, honey? What? How am I doing?! How am I doing?! I'm bloated and I have cramps.
Get out of my way, ( bleep )! I need a choc-o-dile!