The War at Home s01e17 Episode Script

The Seventeen-Year Itch

You're making pasta again? Uh-huh.
You know, that cookbook has more than one chapter.
So does The Joy of Sex.
Hey, um, Career Day's coming up, and You want me to come to school and talk to the kids about my adventures in the insurance game? -Well, um -I know, I know.
I'll do the thing where I calculate how long everyone's gonna live.
I suppose it would be too much to hope for some early smokers.
Actually, um, I was gonna ask Mom if she wanted to come.
But it's Career Day, not Something That Gets Her Out of the House Day.
Yes, honey, I'd love to come.
And for your information, I have a very exciting career in interior design.
I work for a color-blind decorator whose office is above a pet store.
It's still better than insurance.
I can't believe you chose Mom over me.
Insurance is life and death.
Decorating is "Ooh, brown goes with tan!" Whoopty-freakin'-doo.
Look, no offense, Dad, but your job is kind of boring.
Boring? What gives you that idea? I hate my job.
My job sucks.
I got to figure out a way to fake my own death.
What do the other fathers do? Well, Bill's dad does construction, Darren's dad's in the Navy, and Steven's dad's a cop.
Are these parents or the Village People? Look, is that all you think I do? I don't just sell insurance, Mike.
-You don't? -No.
Look, I, uh, I never told you this before, but I'm also part of a highly specialized and elite group sanctioned by the government in the handling and verification of some very important documents.
-Are you trying to tell me you're -Yeah.
I'm also a notary.
Yeah, I'm still leaning Mom.
I hate Jeff Saphin! He thinks he's so hot just because he is.
Why do I always go for jerks? Because you're incredibly shallow, and you only care what somebody looks like.
Why am I having so many guy problems? Is it something that I'm doing or something that I'm not doing? I've heard rumors of both.
Don't you have something pathetic you need to finish, like a puzzle or puberty? Come on, Kenny.
Let's go finish our puzzle.
Let me grab my stuff.
Ah boys.
Why can't I just find one good one? -Well, if you want my opinion -I don't.
I was just gonna say that maybe they're all so intimidated by your beauty and confidence, they act like jerks because they feel undeserving.
And don't forget, the top salesperson is going to Hawaii on us.
It may as well be you.
I feel bad for people in Hawaii who sell insurance, 'cause they pretty much have nothing to look forward to.
Look, Dave, do I think our job is fun and exciting? No.
Does it bother me? No.
You want to know why? I'm on antidepressants.
-How you doing? -I'm good.
-You're, um -Gold.
Dave Gold.
That's the problem with a Jewish name-- you can't do the whole "Bond, James Bond" thing.
So do you have any questions about our incentive program, Gold, Dave Gold? -I actually have a question.
-Yeah, it's all in here.
That was a very stimulating presentation you gave.
Really? It was okay? Hey, you're not only pretty, you got smarts, you.
Well, I'm sure I could learn a few things from a professional like you, you.
Anyway, I will be back next week for a follow-up, but feel free to give me a call if you have any questions before that.
All right.
I'll do that.
-I will look forward to it.
I'll look forward to you looking forward to it.
What?! -What the hell was that all about? -What? Oh, I'm James Bond, and you're young, and touch my arm, and ta-ta! -That! -Come on, it was nothing.
It was just a little harmless flirting.
I would never, ever actually do anything.
The truth is, I never, ever would actually do anything, but God forbid, Vicky got hit by a truck it'd be nice to have a phone number.
Then how come you nev ertold her you were married? Well, it never came up.
Yeah, maybe because your hand with the wedding ring was in your pocket the whole time.
That's not true.
It was also behind my back some of the time.
Come on, look, it was nothing.
I would never take things beyond a little innocent flirtation.
Then what's the point of getting yourself all worked up? W ow.
That was incredible.
You were amazing.
I haven't seen you this passionate and inventive in ages.
I mean, usually, you, you know, and then you follow up with a but, uh And if I'm lucky, you'll do the old, you know But this was like What was your inspiration? All in a day's work, sweetie.
Who were you thinking about, Dave? You, honey, I swear.
You're still thinking about her, aren't you? No, no, no, no.
There is no her.
You're her.
Come on, Dave.
You never muster that kind of performance anymore, unless there's a DVD involved.
If you really want to know, there was this attractive young sales rep who kind of came on to me at work today.
What was her name? Why, so you could beat her up? No, I want to send her a thank you note.
Come on, Vicky, you could admit that you're a little jealous.
Okay I might have been jealous when we first got married, but at this point, he's like that old Barcalounger in the basement-- even if I put it out by the curb, no one's taking it home with them.
Sorry, honey, hate to break it to you, but I'm not jealous.
I guess you develop coping mechanisms when you're married to a hot piece of ass like me.
Yeah, right.
I mean, it couldn't possibly be that this young girl-- this sales rep, no less-- might have been coming on to you to make a sale.
That would just be silly.
What, you don't think young women find me attractive, huh? Believe me, I'm out there in the world, I see the looks I'm getting.
I know what they're thinking.
Yeah, they're thinking, "Who's this creep staring at my boobs?" Whatever gets you through the night, baby.
Oh, yeah.
Who's in the mood to go again? Twice in one night? Check you.
Season 1 Episode 17 "The Seventeen-Year Itch" Transcript RaceMan What are you doing? Helping Mom get her stuff ready for Career Day tomorrow.
If I'd known he was so fond of paint chips, I would have let him eat more of them as a kid.
Hey, Mike, check out these cupcakes.
They're not only snacks, they're also a visual aid to teach the kids about different complementary colors.
Suck up.
I'm going next door to Kenny's.
Why? He's already here.
Where? In there.
Well, you can't worry about what other people say about you.
Easy for you to say.
Everyone thinks you're a goddess.
See, the secret to life is to dance like nobody's watching.
That's what started people making fun of me in the first place.
What the hell is going on here? What are you doing? Talking to Hillary.
We don't talk to Hillary.
We talk about Hillary.
That's funny, Larry.
Because nobody talks about you, nobody.
Kenny, I was just coming over to see if you wanted to go miniature golfing on Saturday.
They finally fixed that retracting drawbridge on the castle.
I guess our letters did not go unnoticed.
Sorry, but I already made plans with Hillary.
We're getting spray-on tans.
Hi, Dave.
Hey, Susan, how you doing? Was today the day you were coming by? I totally forgot.
Um, so are you pushing my new policies? Because my boss is really on me to reach my quota.
Vicky was right.
She's only interested in me for business.
Maybe I can hit Joe up for some of those antidepressants.
Okay, well, I have to go meet with the VPs upstairs.
All right, Susan, I'll see you later.
But I was thinking maybe, if you're up for it, you and I could grab a drink next door at the Ramada.
Oh You mean the hotel with the rooms upstairs? That, that Ramada? Well, yeah.
I have a little proposal I want to float by you.
What, so, so is it a business meeting then? Well, that's what it will say on my expense report.
Ha! I knew it.
She is into me.
In your face, Vicky.
Yeah, well, yeah, I would love that.
I'll see you there.
Okay, great, well then, I'll see you at 5:00 downstairs in the lobby.
Hello, again.
Yeah, hey.
What's going on? She just invited me for drinks at the Ramada.
Are you crazy?! You're going to a hotel with her?! Trust me, the minute she says she wants to get a room, I'll flash the old fun-stopper in her face, and I'll say, "Sorry, married.
" Are you crazy?! You're going to a hotel with her?! Relax, Joe.
Just because we're going to a hotel, doesn't mean we're gonna do anything.
Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah, my wife.
And can everyone see how chartreuse is really just another shade of green? Of course, when we call it chartreuse, we can charge more money.
Okay, now, these are a couple of examples of what we call herringbone suede.
Who would like to touch them? Anyway, there's something I've been wanting to ask you.
I hope this isn't inappropriate or, you know, crossing the line.
Oh, please, lines were made to be crossed.
Well, here goes.
Are you gonna eat that olive? I've been eyeing that sucker since I sat down.
Well, now that you've asked me a highly delicate question, I was hoping I could ask you one.
Here it comes.
"Let's get a room upstairs.
" Prepare the fun-stopper.
Yeah, sure, ask away.
Well, what kind of women do you like? Me? I'm very particular.
You know, I usually go for women that go for me.
And are you dating anyone? Me? No.
I haven't dated anyone in a long time.
Because you're just such a handsome, funny guy, and -And and I'd like to fix you up with my mother.
Did she just say what I think she said? Hey, Mike.
What's your problem? You humiliated me at school today.
W hat?! I thought I did a great job.
Oh, yeah, and after it was over, all everyone could talk about was how hot my mom is.
What'd they say? Oh, I don't know, stuff like, "Your mom has great cupcakes, Gold.
Are they all natural or do they have artificial ingredients?" Huh.
I'm somehow flattered and creeped out all at the same time.
You did tell them they were all natural, right? Oh, honey, come on.
This just the silly stuff stupid adolescent boys will say.
Actually, that was one of the dads.
Okay, well, you know, that was inappropriate, and I'm going to have a word with them.
Was it the tall surgeon with the shoulders and the blue eyes? You don't get it, do you? It's all over school, Mom.
I mean, everyone keeps asking me to e-mail them vacation photos of you in a bikini.
God, I hope he goes with Florida, 2002.
I was doing Atkins at the time.
My life is ruined.
Oh, come on.
A week from now, they'll have forgotten all about me, and they'll be on to somebody else.
You think so? Okay, maybe two weeks.
How about a command performance of the other night? I'm sorry I raised your expectations with the twofer Tuesday thing, but I'm not in the mood right now.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm feeling sexy enough for the both of us.
I'm sorry, but my heart just wouldn't be in it.
I got news for you.
In terms of the organs I'm interested in, your heart is way at the bottom of the list.
Believe me, you don't want this.
I'm old and pathetic, so get used to a sexless life of early bird specials at Nibblers.
Looks like I'm gonna have to pretend to care about his feelings and emotions if I'm gonna get any tonight.
All right, let me guess-- the sexy insurance girl was just trying to do her job and not trying to do you.
What? What happened? She wanted to fix me up with her mother.
Her mother? Oh, honey, that's hilarious! Yeah, go ahead, laugh it up.
From what Mike tells me, your fan base is from 13 to 60.
Come on, honey.
When we got married, it was for better or for worse.
And I guess I'm just getting better and you're getting worse! You're right.
Don't even look at me.
I'm disgusted with myself.
You are a hot, sexy man and you always will be.
And I love you.
And I want you.
If you feel you must touch me, can you rub some liniment on my back? I don't know what that is, but it sounds like it's for old people.
Hang on.
Billy, Mike's asleep.
And what are you doing calling so late on a school night? Yeah, I don't think that'd be such a good idea.
Honey, do you think you're actually gonna get in the mood, because I just got another offer.
I really appreciate how you let me go on about all the boys I've dated.
No problem.
I really didn't mind hearing about them.
You know, that's what's so cool about you.
You actually take an interest in my life, almost as much as I do.
Well, I guess this is sort of that awkward before moment.
Before what? What's wrong? Nothing.
I guess this is just one of those awkward after moments.
I don't understand.
Do you not find me attractive? Oh, of course.
But Larry's my best friend, and you're I mean, I Think of me more like a sister? Yes.
Yes, that's it exactly.
Thank you.
I get it.
I totally understand.
-Except the Larry part.
Why do you hang out with him anyways? He's a great guy.
He's smart and funny and creative.
Makes all those voices and characters.
What's so funny? Nothing.
I'm just thinking about when he used to do Little Lord Smelly-pants.
He was pretty funny.
He still is.
So how come you don't hang out with him anymore? Just because you're brother and sister doesn't mean you can't also be friends.
Kenny, if you're not gonna be my nice, sensitive boyfriend, frankly, you can go home now.
Hey, Dave, you got a second? I wonder what she wants from Grandpa now.
If this isn't a bad time, there's someone who'd really like to meet you.
-Mom! -No, no, no, this isn't a good time! It's bad! It's very, very, very bad! Dave, this is my mother Rebecca.
You're the mother? You must be the famous Dave.
You're even better looking than Susan said you were.
You're not so bad yourself Mama.
You know, here's an idea.
Why don't the two of you go out to lunch together? Hey, what do you say, Dave? I hear they have great Bloody Marys at the hotel next door.
And the best part is if you drink too much there, you don't have to leave.
I'm sorry, but I'm married.
Why are all the sexy ones taken? It's all good, folks.
-What do you want? -Nothing.
What are you up to? Well, if you must know, I'm trying to IM this girl at school that I like, but I can't think of what to say.
Tell her she looked really cute today.
-Doesn't that sound -Just do what I tell you.
Oh, my God.
She wrote, "Thanks," with five smileys.
The most I've ever gotten was three, and that was from Kenny.
Now just type "Gotta go" and sign off.
Always leave her wanting more.
Thanks, Hillary.
You're welcome, Little Lord Smelly-pants.
What? Lady Holds-her-nose is always happy to help.
Are you for real? Indeed.
Oh, well, what a delightful day in the kingdom! What is that odor? It seems to follow me wherever I go.
I don't smell anything.
How odd.
It's a problem that has plagued us Smelly-pantses for generations.
We smell this terribly foul odor, and we have no idea why.
Oh, Lord! My Lord, do you reek of poo! Wow! Me, too.
Who were you thinking about this time? No one, baby.
Just you and how sexy you are.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, who needs to think about anyone else when I can think about a gorgeous woman my own age? And I don't mean that girl Susan's mother.
I'm stuck with Vicky, right? I might as well enjoy her.
I'm coming.
Gold what happened?! What are you guys doing here so early? I invited them.