The War at Home s01e18 Episode Script

13 Going On $30,000

Dad, I need your help I want to become a man.
I ain't getting you a hooker.
Good, I was afraid we were going to have to have a big fight about that.
Actually, I want to have a bar mitzvah.
You had one when you were my age, right? I just, you know, I think it'd be a cool thing to do.
That's what's cool now? Whatever happened to smoking cigarettes and trying to get to third base? Are you sure this has nothing to do with Mark Silverberg's parents and that big production they threw for him and all the gifts he got? Hey, I don't understand why you always think I'm working some angle.
I thought you guys would be happy I was interested in doing this.
Yeah, Vicky, what's wrong with you? ( scoffs )? Look, Mike, go to a temple.
Find out exactly what you need to do, and if it's something you still want, we'll plan it out.
-Really? -Yeah.
Okay, cool, thanks I can't believe you're falling for that crap.
You think I just met that kid? I know what he's doing.
Then why did you tell him it was okay? I mean, do you have any idea how much a bar mitzvah costs? I'm starting to think the hooker wasn't such a bad idea.
I'm going to take a wild guess and say this is going to cost us nothing, okay? before that kid does.
What makes you so sure? Because Hebrew school's a bitch.
Okay? Trust me, I know.
When I was studying for my bar mitzvah, it was one of the worst experiences of my life.
My father would stand over me with a belt going, "You're going to do this, whether you like it or not.
" Sort of like he did the day we got married.
Mike will never do the work, okay? Worst case scenario, he'll stay there for a couple of weeks and he'll learn something about his religion.
Ah, ah, ah.
One of his religions.
Look, we always said we wouldn't push them either way.
We'd let them make the decision on their own.
Right? It's not a competition.
But FYI, I won.
This isn't funny, you know? He's half Catholic, too.
I know, but what's the big deal? I mean, you never cared about this stuff before.
That's because my religion wasn't getting the short shrift.
Exactly what part of the shrift was short? The seven-and-a-half-foot Christmas tree we had? Or the ten-pound Easter ham? I don't really care what religion they are.
They can worship this Q-Tip for all I care.
If you've got a problem with it, don't tell me.
Tell them.
( knocking ) Hi, honey.
Can we talk? About what? Oh, I don't know.
Your soul, and eternal damnation.
So, I thought we could hand out those disposable cameras to people and put the best photos in the yearbook.
Oh, my God, I love that idea.
You know, Larry, I sort of freaked when I got stuck on Yearbook Committee with you, but your ideas are tight.
This yearbook is going to be tight.
My pants are getting tight.
I've got to get home.
But I'll see you tomorrow.
See ya.
Congratulations on getting busy with a hottie! Uh, yeah, Dad.
We're just in Yearbook Club together.
Ah, today the yearbook, tomorrow dirty pictures wind up on the Internet.
( whispers ): Always wear sunglasses.
Yeah, it's not like that, Dad.
Amber doesn't like me like me.
Ah, don't be an idiot.
Of course she likes you.
Of course she wants to be your girlfriend.
Why do you think she's hanging out with you and laughing at all your stupid jokes? Come on.
It's like an open goal.
All you've got to do is kick it in the net.
That's a soccer reference, by the way.
You do know how this works, don't you? There you go.
Dad, Ambers don't go for Larrys.
Hey, for your information, Ambers grow up, choose the wrong men, have babies, get fat, get divorced, start drinking, and if they're lucky, they can find themself a Larry.
So I say why wait? Get in there while it's still good.
Thanks for the advice, Dad, but uh, I think I can handle it myself.
All right, fine.
Dad? I been to temple, talked to the rabbi, and I'm getting a bar mitzvah.
Hey, hey, slow down there, Shlomo.
When do you start learning Hebrew? Never.
Rabbi Mark said they do it all in English at this temple.
You don't even have to wear a harmulke It's called a yarmulke.
Whatever.
It's a new age synagogue, and the rabbi said that God doesn't care what language you do it in.
Okay, I've got to nip this in the bud right now.
Don't look at me like that.
If God wanted him to have a bar mitzvah, He would have given me a much higher salary.
Hey, God may not care, but I do.
If you're doing it, you're doing it old school, in Hebrew.
I want a lot of phlegm, I want some "ch's" and "baruch's" So find a real temple, or forget it.
Unless you're only doing it for the party.
( hip-hop playing ) * Don't stop * A party? You know what? That's insulting.
Hey, just because you're half Jewish doesn't mean you're gonna do it half assed, okay? For thousands of years, Jews had to learn that Hebrew crap.
I had to do it, and you're going to do it.
Yeah, but that sounds hard.
Too bad.
That's what being a Jew is all about-- suffering.
Welcome to the club.
WARNER BROS.
TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and made possible by VOLKSWAGEN.
On the road of life, there are passengers and there are drivers.
Drivers wanted.
Even in Nazi Germany, Jews were secretly bar mitzvahed, because they didn't want to break thousands of years of tradition.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Yeah.
Hey, who the hell are you? Hey! Eli Schwartz, Mike's Hebrew tutor.
He's got a lot of catching up to do.
Oh, oh, oh, we didn't talk about this.
I ain't paying for no tutor.
Oh, no, no.
Sir, teaching is a blessing.
My services are free.
Free? What the hell kind of Jew are you? Well, I guess that's enough for today.
Good job.
Okay, thank you, Eli.
I'll see you tomorrow.
All right.
Hi.
Who are you? Eli, Mike's Hebrew tutor.
Oy vey! ( Brooklyn accent ): What a day I had.
Hey.
You know, I've got to hand it to Mike.
He's really working this born-again matzo ball scam longer than I thought he would.
Yeah, you know, unless he's really into it.
Believe me, he's not.
No teenager suddenly decides to embrace religion out of nowhere.
That's what Jesus' mom thought.
And you know who else has? Hilary.
We had a long conversation, and she wants to get confirmed.
I hope that's okay with you.
Yeah, no, that's cool.
Uh Catholics believe in waiting till marriage, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
I say confirm the hell out of her.
Maybe after, we can grab a frankfurter and a knish.
Yeah.
I'd like that.
All right, see you later.
All right.
See you.
Come on, honey.
You ready to go? Father Conlan is expecting us.
Yeah, I changed my mind.
I think I'm going to get more in touch with my Judaism.
You mean you want to touch Eli's Judaism.
Either way.
What a tuchis on that one.
( chuckling ) What do you know! Chosen people, two; Catholics, zilch.
It's not funny.
My kids have no connection to my background.
But do you even have a connection to your background? When was the last time you even went to church? I don't know.
But when I was her age, I went plenty.
You know why? Because my parents made me.
And I would sit there, miserable, bored out of my skull, being lectured to and being told I was a sinner and I was going to hell.
And I just want my children to experience that.
Well, maybe you could start by setting a better example.
How about putting on that Catholic schoolgirl uniform I got for you? Setting an example has nothing to do with it.
Mike's not trying to be more Jewish because you are.
In fact, you're hardly Jewish at all.
Well, just because I don't go to temple or celebrate any of the ceremonies or traditions doesn't mean I'm not Jewish.
And it doesn't mean I'm going to hell.
Yeah.
Jews don't believe in hell.
The married ones do.
Uh, Dad? Uh-huh? I've been thinking about what you said about Amber.
Yeah? How do I trick her into liking me? This is no great mystery, all right? She already likes you, right? You know, just put it out there.
Okay, when you say "put it out there," is it what I think it is? No, no, no.
You just, you know, ask her out to a movie.
Take her for ice cream or something, you know.
Just trust me.
All you got to do is let her know you don't want to be just friends, you follow? What's the worst she's gonna do, right? She could just say no.
But then what would I do? Get used to it.
( singing tunelessly in Hebrew ) ( off-key singing continues ) In case you haven't noticed, mini Moses hasn't lost interest.
( tuneless singing ) Today he told me he wants me to keep kosher.
I can't keep kosher.
I can't even keep on Weight Watchers.
It's almost sunset.
Shalom, people.
Time to light the candles.
All right.
Enough is enough.
I'm gonna put an end to this.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna unconvert him.
No more Hebrew.
I'm gonna get rid of the "he," and when I'm done, I'm gonna have a brew.
( singing badly in Hebrew ) That's good, Mike.
Really, I-I gotta tell you, I'm very, very impressed by your commitment and uh, spirituality.
I really, really, am.
Can I make one comment, though? Sure, what's that? You're full of crap.
Okay? I know it and you know it.
The only reason why you're doing this is for the cash.
But it's not going to happen.
You know what? You're right, Dad.
I was doing this for the cash.
I knew it.
I knew it all along.
But not anymore, okay? That's not what this is about.
Really? W-why don't you tell me what it's about, Mikey? Well, I was thinking.
This is something that's been done in our family for generations.
Okay, you did it, your father did it, and his father and his father, and if I don't do it, then it'll just stop.
And I don't want to be that guy.
So I really don't care what you think, and I don't care about the party and the money and the gifts.
I'm doing this for me.
And for you.
Come here.
Okay, the truth is that really was the truth.
Yeah, I've gotta tell you, if my father had explained it like that, you know, maybe my bar mitzvah would have meant something to me.
I'm proud of you.
What happened to "I'm going to put an end to this"? Yeah, you know what? I just had a nice talk with him and I gotta admit, I'm totally wrong about everything.
I mean, he deserves this party, because he's actually into this for all the right reasons.
I'm sorry, are we still talking about Mike? Yeah.
And you know what? I mean, that's the point of a bar mitzvah.
It's like he's actually becoming a man.
All of a sudden he has his own ideas, and his own thoughts, and he's doing something that he really cares about.
How the hell did that happen? I have no idea.
Maybe there is a God.
But you got a lot of work ahead of you, sweetie.
You gotta plan this bar mitzvah.
Me?! Why me? Because, you know, you're creative and, and, you're good at that stuff.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
But you know what I'm not? Jewish.
If you don't believe me, ask your mother.
She made a big point of it at our wedding.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been It's been Well, it's been a little while since my last confession.
When was Knots Landing on? So, uh, what brings you here today? Well, I guess I'm feeling like a little bit of an outsider in my own family.
My husband is Jew ish.
And he expects me to plan this big bar mitzvah for my son, and I don't want to.
Because, to tell you the truth, I don't want my son to get bar mitzvahed.
Now, does that make me a horrible person? Look, uh maybe the reason you're feeling left out is because you're making this all about you.
I mean, if it's important to your son, it should be important to you, right? I say forget about what you want, and support your son and his bar mitzvah.
Uh, but you didn't hear it from me.
You're right.
It's not about me.
It's about Mike.
Thank you, Father.
That's what I'm here for.
Now, would you like to confess your sins? Well, I would, but-- oh, crap, I don't have time.
( bleep ) I can't believe I just said .
Maybe I should just leave.
( tires squealing )perhaps be best ( crowd cheering ) Shoot You gotta Thanks for ruining my life, Dad.
Should I pause the game or are we done? You said that the worst thing that could happen if I asked Amber out is she'd say no.
And? You drastically underestimated the worst thing that could happen.
I asked her out, she said no, and then everyone at school proceeded to mock the crap out of me, until the principal sent me home for being a distraction to the other students.
Come on, I think you're being a little over-dramatic again.
It couldn't have been that bad.
Oh, congratulations! You're the first person to ever get suspended for asking out someone that's much more attractive and popular than they are.
( laughing ) Yeah, well, at least I'm not pretending to be Super Jew to get a date.
Ugh.
What a schlemiel, huh? Look, Larry No, I don't want to hear another thing out of you, okay? You turned me from a perfectly happy nobody into a legendary loser.
All right, will you just will you knock it off? Okay? This is why girls like Amber say no to guys like you.
You should be thinking about what's wrong with her, not what's wrong with you.
I don't have to think about what's wrong with me.
She already told me.
I'm not good enough.
Yeah? Well, as long as you believe her, she's right.
Well, maybe I'd have more self-esteem if you hadn't waited until now to start parenting me! I doubt it.
DAVE: What are you up to? VICKY: I'm planning a bar mitzvah.
I'm thinking about an international cocktail hour.
Right.
Okay, picture this.
Okay.
Hand-rolled sushi.
Yeah.
Peking duck carving table.
A caviar blini station.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
Nothing 13-year-olds like more than caviar and blinis.
Mike loves animals, right? So for the theme, I'm thinking African safari.
Lots of leopard skin and drums and African masks.
You know Geez, uh Why don't you get some elephants while you're at it? ( groans ) You wouldn't believe the permits that are required for that, but I'm working on it.
All right, this, uh, this all sounds good.
So how much is all this going to cost? Oh, well, you know, I don't really have a final number yet.
All right, well, just, you know, give me an estimate.
I don't have a tally.
It's hard to know.
There's so many factors.
Pull something out of the air, you know.
We're looking at around $60,000.
( laughing ) Yeah, I don't think so.
Are-are you crazy? Are you crazy? I talked to Mark Silverberg's mom, and this is how it's done.
I mean, if we're going to do it, we want to do it right.
We don't want to come off looking like a couple of cheap Jews.
I also don't want to come off looking like a couple of bankrupt Jews.
Okay, I know I went a little overboard.
But you know, I just really want Mike to have the best.
Right.
No, I-I understand.
But let's say, for argument's sake, you know, we couldn't afford the best.
How much would say, you know second-to-worst cost? All right, if you're looking at the basic stuff Yeah, nuts and bolts.
Caterers and florists and photographer, DJ, you know, we're looking at $25, $30.
Baby, where the hell are we going to get that kind of money? Well I know one place where we could get it.
No.
No.
Come on.
No.
I Why not? No.
I said I would never ask my father for money again, and I'm not gonna do it.
Okay? No way, uh-uh.
Forget it.
No, Dad.
No, Dad, I haven't been gambling.
No, I didn't get fired again.
For your information, I need the money because your grandson Mike wants to get bar mitzvahed.
Fine.
Fine.
Good-bye.
What did he say? Check's in the mail.
You know, Mike, the three most important days in a man's life are his bris, the day he's bar mitzvahed, and the day he's married.
Rabbi, Mike never had a bris.
I mean, he was circumcised.
Yeah, you know, we wouldn't want to leave him with a turtleneck.
But you know, we just did it at the hospital.
Well, all Jewish boys must have a bris.
It's our covenant with God.
I don't know what to tell you, Rabbi, you know, we can't cut the ribbon twice, huh? Fortunately, we can have what we call a ceremonial bris.
Cool, all right, that's that's good, right? Okay, an-and how exactly does that work and does it require a caterer? Please, say no.
( rabbi chuckling ) It's very simple.
We just say the prayers and make a nick and draw some blood from Mike's penis.
My what, now? Your penis.
Your schmeckel.
You want to draw blood from my schmeckel? We have to, if you want to be bar mitzvahed at this synagogue.
We're old school.
In that case, I'm out.
Mike, we have a non-refundable deposit on a banquet room.
Come on, what's one little nick? You've done worse to it before.
Mom, I'm sorry.
There is no way I'm going to do that.
N-n-n-n-n-n-no, Mike, you're doing this.
N-n-n-n-n-n-no, I'm not.
Come on, Mike, remember how important this was to you? You know, I did it, my father did it, his father did it.
So you're doing what you gotta do.
Come on, Rabbi, get the knife.
I'll hold him down.
We can do it right now.
I don't think so.
Dave, I know you're disappointed, but calm down.
Mike has got to come to this decision on his own.
This is a nightmare.
I mean, first he wanted to have a bar mitzvah, and I'm unhappy.
Now he doesn't want to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy.
No matter what, I always feel unhappy.
Who do you think you are telling everyone I'm not worth going out with? Maybe I'm not the best-looking guy, or the coolest, or the most popular, but at least I know who I am.
I'm Larry freaking Gold, and I have pride.
Tons of it.
And I might be a little weird, but I'm nice, and funny, and kind of cute, when it's not too humid and my hair doesn't get all funky.
And I wasn't even going to ask you out at first, because I thought you were out of my league.
But the truth is, I'm out of your league.
You don't deserve me.
Okay, what was that about? Maybe you should be my new boyfriend.
Really? Yeah.
Let's just not tell anyone.
I rather my friends didn't know.
Sure, that sounds right.
Hey, who needs pride when you're dating a hottie? Captioned by access.
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