The War at Home s02e08 Episode Script

Oh! Hey! Oh! Who are you, and what the hell are you beeping at? I'm here to pick up Hillary.
Oh, does this look like a drive-up window to you? What do you think, you honk your horn, and I'm going to send her out to you like she's a Big Mac? Why don't you try getting out of your car, ringing the bell, and asking for Hillary like a human being? Just a moment, please.
Can I help you? Hi, Mr.
Gold.
I'm Bruce Gropper.
I'm here to pick up Hillary.
- Is she ready, sir? - Not for you, creepo.
Forget Father's Day.
It's moments like that that make it all worthwhile.
Hey, I heard the bell.
Was that Bruce? No, that was Lou.
Lou-zer.
I tossed his ass out of here.
You know what, why am I not surprised? You've never liked any boy I've ever brought home.
Oh, that's not true.
You know what, why don't you just pick my next boyfriend? No, no, no, no, no.
I don't pick out.
I kick out.
Okay, you are not going to believe this.
You know my rosebush on the side of the house? Well, those next-door neighbors, out of nowhere, just decided to pull it out! Yeah? They pulled out my rosebush! They were Princess Diana roses that I grew from seeds I ordered from QVC.
Do you know how hard it is to grow English Princess Diana roses in the middle of Long Island? You know, then they just they just pulled it out with no regard! It's like they killed her all over again.
Huh! "Huh!" That's all you're going to say? Honey, I would like you to go over there and deal with this.
Come on, sweetie.
Can't you go deal with it? Maybe I'm not making myself clear.
I would like your support here.
For once, when I ask you to, could you please just back me up? What's in it for me? I got to go talk to our neighbor! Pull out your rosebush, will they?! Hey, Dad, what are you doing here? If you're here to complain about the smell from my mom's cooking, thank you.
No.
Actually, I'm here to talk to your father, but Geez! What the hell is that? Beats me, but I think it's the reason our people are so angry.
Oh! Hey, Achmed.
How are you? Can I talk to you for a second? Certainly.
What are you boys doing inside on such a beautiful day? So, what can I do for you, my friend? Look, I'm sorry to have to bother you with this, but I promised my wife I would.
You know, you guys had the right idea by making your wives walk ten feet behind you.
Yes.
Unfortunately, that only made them talk louder.
So, uh, what's going on, Dave? Anything that's a problem for you is a problem for me, my friend.
Well, listen, Vicky somehow got it in her head that you pulled out some rosebush? That is correct.
Oh.
Well, I'm just kind of wondering, why would you do that? Oh, very simple explanation.
We are putting in a fountain.
I said, "Why do we need another fountain?" But my wife wants it, so we get it.
You know, my grandmother was not even allowed to speak to my grandfather.
I I'm sorry, Achmed.
I'm a little confused here.
Why would you think it's okay to pull out my wife's rosebush? Oh, but you're wrong, my friend.
It is my rosebush.
If it's your rosebush, what is it doing on my property, my friend? I mean, my wife bought the seeds for it, she planted it, and for the last ten years, she's been taking care of it.
Thank you.
This is why you are such a good neighbor, my friend, but you are mistaken.
It is my property.
Oh, it's your property? Why? Because you say so? Huh? It is not my property because I say so.
It is because the Nassau County Assessor's Office says so.
I had a survey done.
Oh.
Well, then we're good, then.
Look, I'm sorry.
I hope I didn't insult you.
Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
Not at all.
And, to prove it to you, while you are here, why don't you stay for lunch? We are having sauteed lamb brains.
Oh, I promised my doctor I'd cut down on brains.
Oh, come on, come on.
Live a little! Sheerah, we have a guest.
Whoa! What are you doing? My homework.
You're not wearing pants or anything.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you should keep the door shut.
It was shut.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey.
Hey, you know, your son Mike is sitting in his bedroom doing his homework naked as the day he was born.
Oh, my God! He's actually doing his homework? Did you not hear me? He's hanging out up there au naturel.
All nakedy.
He's taking an air bath.
I mean, what's up with that? I don't know, but he's obviously comfortable in his own skin.
That's a good thing.
Oh, don't give me that, Miss Free To Be Nude.
If I come into the bathroom when you're taking a shower, you act like I'm coming at you with a knife.
All right, just leave it alone.
Maybe it's just a phase, you know? We don't want to give him body issues and make him feel ashamed.
He'll have plenty of time to feel ashamed when he has a body like you.
Hey, what's wrong with me? You know, I happen to be in the same physical shape as the day I met you.
I know.
Whatever.
Hey, did you talk to Achmed? Is he going to replace my rosebush? Did you give it to him good? Hmm? Did you make him cry? Relax, lunatic, okay? Thanks to you, I'm going to be burping up lamb's brain for a week.
Look, Achmed's a good guy, all right? He didn't do anything wrong.
It turns out your bush was on his property.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Well, 99 times out of a hundred, that would be true, but this time, you're wrong.
For your information, he said he had a survey done.
And you believed him? Yeah.
Why wouldn't I believe him? I don't know, Dave.
There's something about that guy I don't trust.
Oh, Vicky.
Oh, Vicky, Vicky, Vicky.
You know, you hear about prejudice, but when you see it in your own home, it's just so ugly.
Me? You're calling me prejudiced? You obviously have a problem with the guy because he's originally from the Middle East.
Wow! Are you sure that lamb didn't eat your brains for lunch? - Hi.
- Hi.
Jay.
Jay Gellmann.
Yeah.
I know who you are, Jay.
What are you doing here? I'm here for our date.
We don't have a date.
Oh, yes, you do.
I set it up.
You can thank me later.
Would you excuse us? What exactly do you think you're doing? Well, if I'm not mistaken, you said, and I quote, "Why don't you just pick my next boyfriend for me?" End quote.
So I did.
You claim I never listen to you.
- I was kidding.
- I know that.
But I was at the high school shooting hoops, and I got into a pickup game with Jay, and he plays great offense, he plays great defense.
I mean, there's really no weakness in his game.
Yeah, except for his personality.
Oh, come on.
What don't you like about this kid? He's a good guy.
Let's see.
He's loud, he's obnoxious, he thinks he's funny, but he's not.
He's like you! Oh, come on.
What's the matter with me? Let's see.
You're loud, you're obnoxious, you think you're funny, but you're not! Sweetie, sweetie, what's your boyfriend's name again? What's that kid's name? Oh, that's right.
You don't have one.
'Cause you pick losers, okay? And I'm telling you, this kid Jake, he's a winner.
So, you ready to go? I got us two tickets to the Islander game.
Center ice.
With any luck, we'll catch a tooth.
Did I tell you? Winner.
Huh? Yeah.
Um listen, Jay, I'm sorry, but there's been a little misunderstanding.
I can't go out with you tonight because I have plans.
But she doesn't have plans Saturday night.
Or she'll never have plans again.
Saturday night works for me.
Me, too! Oh, but it's a shame you're going to have to go the game all by yourself tonight.
You want to come with? Sure.
Well, hello there! Hello.
Hey, you know how you believed Achmed the neighbor instead of me, your loving wife who bore you children and held your hand during your colonoscopy? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, I went down to the County Assessor's Office to see if a property survey was done, and it turns out, I was right.
Whoa! What are you talking about? There was no survey done.
Achmed lied.
That was our rosebush.
Oh, that lying, son-of-a-bitch bastard! No offense, Kenny.
None taken.
I've called him worse myself.
So, what are we gonna do about it? Oh, I'm going over there and I'm going to have a little talk with Achmed the liar and I'm not going to leave until he's crying like a little Arabian girl who's lost in the desert.
Yes, that's the selfish, immature man I fell in love with.
Don't you worry, sweetie.
I'm going to make him sorry he ever got on that magic carpet of his and came to the United States in the first place.
No offense, Kenny.
Actually, that one's a little bit harder to ignore.
Well, hello, Achmed.
Hello, Dave.
Or should I say, Achmed the liar? I don't understand.
Why would you call me a liar? I don't know, maybe because you're a liar, liar.
How dare you insult me! If we were in my country, you would already be on fire.
Get off it, Ach, all right? I checked it out.
And it turns out, there was no survey.
You don't know what you are talking about.
I don't know what I'm talking about? Once again, you're opening your big mouth.
No wonder no one in the neighborhood likes you.
First, you put your unrecyclable materials in the recycle bin, and now you're making unfounded accusations.
You have no right.
No right.
You are a bad person and a bad neighbor.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Yes, Achmed?! Did you call me? Never mind! Go on, admit it, there was no survey done.
You made that up, didn't you? Fine.
There was no survey.
Ha! Now leave me alone.
And you are never welcome in my house for lunch ever again.
Big deal, because I'm not a big fan of goat brain kabobs.
It was sheep.
Well, it might as well have been yak, because that's what I did when I got home.
What's going on, Dad? I was just telling your friend's father that he's never allowed to speak to me.
Fine, fine.
When I need to talk to you, you'll be hearing from my lawyer, Harvey Schillowitz.
And you will hear from my lawyer, Bernie Silverstein.
What? You go with the best.
Well, good-bye, my friend.
And when I say "my friend," I mean "my lying, two-faced, rosebush-pulling neighbor.
" Come on, Larry, let's go.
But I don't have to be home until dinner.
Let's go.
You too, Kenny.
Let's go inside right now.
But, Dad, that's not fair.
I said get inside, Khaleel Nazeeh.
Yeah, let's go, Lawrence Andrew.
My middle name is Alan.
Whatever, let's go.
/Call me.
Let's go.
What do you mean I can't see Kenny anymore? I'm sorry.
I cannot have you fraternizing with the enemy.
Besides, you know, this could be a good time for you to branch out and meet some new friends.
What about that kid across the street, the who's allergic to the sun? I'm sure he'd enjoy some company.
No.
No.
I want to be friends with Kenny.
Calvin's depressing.
We have to play in a dark room with glow strips.
And every two minutes he asks me, "What's it like to swim in a pool?" Look, this is bigger than just you and Kenny, all right? This is about family loyalty.
Look, I'm your father, okay.
And if you care about me at all, you will back me up on this.
Okay, fine, I won't see Kenny anymore.
I'll just sit and my room all alone in the dark doing nothing.
Hey, honey, I just wanted my rosebush back.
I didn't want Larry to lose his best friend.
You know, maybe we should just forget this whole thing.
Come on, I want you to go apologize to Achmed.
No! No, sweetie.
You can't just unleash my anger and then bottle it up again.
I'm like a big cruise missile, okay.
You don't activate the launch code, hit the big red button, and then say, "Ah, never mind.
" Where's the big red button that shuts you up? I think we both know where that is, sweetie.
Okay, you know what? I'm just going to go over there and apologize myself.
No, no, Vicky, no, okay? You asked me to back you up, now it's your turn to back me up, come on.
Oh, yeah? What's in it for me? Can you do that? Hey, Dad, you're up late.
What's up, Mike? What are you doing? Nothing.
I'm just getting a drink.
Look, Mike, I think it's great that you feel great about your body.
I mean, you're should, you're lean, you're mean and you shouldn't feel inhibited.
I'm proud of you.
Now all that being said Yeah? Put some pants on, all right, because you're giving me the creeps.
Dad, I don't want to, okay? I'm comfortable.
Look, Mike, it was one thing when you were doing this in your own room, but now you're parading around the house like this.
I mean, what's next? What, are you planning on living in one of those nudie colonies? Look, Dad, seriously, that's not what this is about, okay? I just like it, all right? So you know what, you need to deal with it.
Oh, hey, can I have a piece of that? Sorry, no shirt, no shoes, no service.
Hey.
Listen, I just wanted to thank you for backing me up and supporting me on this Kenny and Achmed thing.
It really means a lot, and, you know, I appreciate it, all right? No biggie.
Happy to do it.
Talk to you later.
All right.
Kenny, come out of the closet right now.
If only it was that easy.
Look, nothing personal, Kenny, but I want you out of my house right now, and I never want to see you here again, you understand? How could you do this to me? Huh? How could you do this to me? You promised me you wouldn't see him anymore.
Well, I never should've promised that 'cause Kenny's friendship is more important to me than Than what? Than what, your own father? No, no, than some stupid rosebush or fountain.
Kenny and I refused to get pulled into this conflict.
We're pacifists and we choose to remain neutral.
We're Switzerland.
Oh.
Well, you know what happened to Switzerland during the war, right? What? It got put up for adoption.
Stop it.
Hey, babe.
Get away from there, give her some privacy.
Girls don't want to go out with guys that are like their fathers, huh? Well then, how come she's sitting on the porch right now talking and laughing her head off? All right, let's not go marrying her off quite yet.
I don't know, she seems to really like him.
'Cause now they're kissing.
And kissing.
And now he's putting his hand Hey! Hey! You! Get off her, you! You're! What? Just like you? Exactly.
Get out of here, you creep.
Get out! Huh.
One kiss and my father doesn't want me to have anything to do with the guy.
That was easy.
I thought I was gonna have to take my top off.
Can't believe how lame my dad is.
Yours.
What about mine? He's completely embarrassing.
Please.
My dad won't even let you in the house anymore.
My dad's even worse.
God, the way he makes fun of your voice behind your back, it's just cruel.
You want to talk about cruel, my dad says you dress like a girl.
Yeah? Well, your dad can be a real ass.
Excuse me? Come on, you said it yourself, he's got a big stupid mouth.
Yeah, well, at least my dad doesn't go around pulling people's bushes out of the ground so they can put in another ugly fountain.
Just curious, he's got all those fountains lying around, does he have a shower? You want to talk about ugly? Where'd you get your living room furniture, Bed, Bath & Be-Hideous? Hey.
Whoa, hey.
What's your problem? That jerkface Kenny.
What? What happened? He hetrashed our entire family.
So so so screw him! I'm just gonna find someone else to play light saber fight with.
Either of you guys want to play light saber fight? Okay, maybe Mike will.
Hey, Mike, you want to Whoa! Why are you naked? You know what? This has gone way too far, you know.
We've turned Larry into, uh you.
Hey, why does everyone think being like me is a bad thing? I like me.
Honey, this fight is not worth what it's doing to our son.
Please, please go over there and make peace with Achmed.
No, no, absolutely not, sweetie, okay? I have worked my entire life to have land.
I cultivated it, I raised my family on it.
This is our homestead.
Dave, we have two mortgages and a home equity loan.
If anything, it's the bank's homestead.
Nevertheless, I cannot let Achmed get away with this.
That's why, sweetie, we're putting a wall around our property, okay? A ten-foot cement wall.
Oh, yeah, that'll do wonders for the resale value of this house.
"A four-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath colonial with an eat-in kitchen and a prison wall.
" Fine.
Then we'll cover it up with some shrubs and some trees.
Look, I'll get you a new Princess Diana bush and a Queen Elizabeth bush.
I'll even throw in a Barbara Bush bush.
Okay, I mean, if you feel that strongly.
I do, sweetie.
This is about principles.
And what is a man without his principles? Fine.
But you do know you're looking at around $20,000, right? Achmed, my friend, look, I don't know about you, but I can't stand the fact that our fight is getting away with our kid's friendship.
I mean, come on, the kids are suffering.
Who needs all that hate? Am I right, my friend.
You're right, my friend.
I am sorry.
Can you forgive me? Only if you forgive me.
Ok.
Would you be willing split the cost on the ten-foot wall? Hey, Mike, can I get one of those? What are you doing? Nothing.
Why are you naked? What? You know, I thought about what you said, and you know what, you were right.
I mean, this is very freeing.
Look, I can stretch, I can jump.
Stop.
I can wiggle.
Stop that! What? I'm comfortable.
Aren't you? No, Dad, I'm not.
I'm not comfortable.
In fact, I may never be comfortable again.
Look, okay, I get it, all right, it's creepy.
And I promise I will never ever go naked in this house again.
So you realize now that nudity is inappropriate and your body is something to be ashamed of? Yes.
Good.
Then my job is done.
Good night.