The War at Home s02e09 Episode Script

Cork Screwed!

What's going on? What are you doing? Just a little cooking.
I'm taking a culinary trip across Europe.
From Italy-- chicken cacciatore.
Representing Poland-- homemadepierogies (oven timer dings) And arriving from France apple tarte tatin.
Wow, that's very impressive.
Good for you you.
So, uh Larry's making dinner.
Why don't we just buy him an apron that says, "My boyfriend loves my cooking"? Hey, I don't mind him cooking.
Besides, there are plenty of male chefs.
Wolfgang Puck, Emeril Chef Boyardee.
Yeah, but this one's more like Chef Girl-ardee.
I've been working really hard to build up the manly qualities in Larry and, right now, he's on the fence.
You know, cooking isn't exactly gonna help push his ass over to the other side.
I don't know, some women find men who cook very sexy.
Fat women.
What's that? Oh, it's the Learning Annex catalogue.
I was looking to find us something new to do together.
Oh, this one is perfect.
A wine appreciation course.
Oh, come on, Vicky, wine knows exactly how much you appreciate it.
In fact, vodka and tequila are starting to get jealous.
Come on, this sounds like fun.
"Meet other wine lovers, sample some great wines, $35 a person, Tuesday nights, meets at the Hilton.
" Hey, if we drink too much wine, we can always check in for the night and have some drunken hotel sex.
Come on, it'd be a change of pace from our drunken at-home sex.
Tuesday nights, huh? That kind of clashes with my beer appreciation class.
It meets every night, takes place right on this chair, and I'm it's star pupil.
Okay, fine.
If you want to miss out, I'll just take the class myself.
Hey, wait a second.
Where are you going with my around-the-world dinner, huh? I got my passport all ready.
Oh, there's plenty more in the kitchen.
I'm just taking this to my friend Kathy.
Who's Kathy? She some girl from school you're hanging out with? No, Kathy doesn't go to my school.
She's older.
Are you serious? You're hanging out with an older woman? She's not married, is she? Well, no, not anymore.
So what's she like? Tell me all about her.
Dad, I'd really rather not get into with you, okay? Besides, I don't have the time.
She's waiting for me.
All right, by all means, don't let me keep your lady friend waiting.
How do you like that? Not only is Larry over the fence, but he's doing some older chick on the other side of it.
I hope someone's hungry.
I've got a delicious home-cooked meal for a pretty lady.
Hey, Mike, the basketball game's Hey, what are you looking at, dirty stuff? No.
Then why'd you shut off the monitor? Force of habit.
Hey, guess who's video blog I stumbled across? Oh, Mike,I wasn't into that Numa-Numa guy, I'm not going to be into anything else you show me.
That's okay, I have 50 million fans.
I don't need you.
(telephone rings) HAllo? Actually, it's Hillary's video blog.
Out of my way.
This is great.
I can finally bust her on everything.
So where's the parts where she talks about drinking, drugs, cutting class, that sort of thing? Oh, no, she doesn't talk about that kind of stuff.
Then what does she talk about? Oh, some Jessica Simpson boots she wants real bad.
Oh, that was a fun hour.
The only good part was for five minutes she didn't notice there wasa fly on her head.
Eventually it fell off.
Probably died of boredom.
Here, look.
so, I was like, "Larry, you can't use my shampoo.
"It's specifically for fine auburn hair, and you have brown pubic hair.
" And so Larry went crying to my mom, and she totally took his side, which is so typical of her.
Please, make it stop.
You ain't seen nothing, Dad.
It's hours of her talking about every little detail about her life and what goes on in this house.
So what does she say about me? I bet you she calls me some sort of hard ass, right? No, seriously.
She doesn't talk about you at all.
Like, good or bad.
Wait wait, you mean she talks about everybody else in the family, except for me? Huh! Well, I guess I dodged a bullet, right? Huh.
'Cause the last thing I want to do is wind up on Hillary's stupid video blog.
Oh, I'm getting in that blog.
I don't care if I have to use her shampoo to do it.
I will not be ignored.
Well, well, well.
You really missed out on a great class.
I learned so much.
Do you know it takes two-and-a-half pounds of grapes to make just one bottle of wine? No, but I do know that it takes one apple and a little piece of tinfoil to make a bong.
What's all this stuff? Just some things I bought from the class.
A corkscrew? This costs 60 bucks.
Don't we have one of these? Not a good one.
You can ruin a whole bottle of wine if it's not opened properly.
A vacuum sealer? Yes.
That's to preserve leftover wine after the bottle's been opened.
Pfft! Who are you kidding? When was the last time you left over any wine? I'm guessing before we were married.
So exactly how much did this $35 class set us back? I don't know.
Does it matter? "Chateau Louis, 2001"? This sounds expensive.
(French accent): Chateau Louis.
Seriously, how much did this cost? $120.
$120? Are you kidding me? Are you serious? I mean, you can't tell the difference between that bottle and a five-dollar bottle of wine.
No, no, no, no, you mean you can't tell the difference.
Maybe if you'd come to the class, like I asked you to, you'd be able to appreciate my new hobby.
But it's obviously way too sophisticated for a Neanderthal like you.
I'm good, I'm good.
Yeah, real sophisticated.
Is that something else you learned in "Intro to Alcoholism"? Hey.
There she is, there's my favorite daughter.
Here you go.
What's what's that? Just a little present from me to you.
Oh, my God, Jessica Simpson boots! I love these! I've been dying for a pair just like them.
I know, I know, I saw them and I was like, "Oh, for real, Hillary's gonna look like the bomb in them joints.
" Thank you so much.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
You're the best, Daddy.
Yes, I am.
But, you know, don't tell me, tell the world.
What's the matter, has your wine class not covered swallowing yet? I happen to be familiarizing my palette with this vineyard.
Oh, excuse my confusion.
But that's not the fancy stuff you bought, is it? No, no, I haven't opened that yet.
I'm saving it for a special occasion.
Like when you're in a coma.
(sniffs, noisily, clears throat) Mm mm (gargles) (burps) Dave.
What? What? Stop it.
I'm just trying to familiarize my palette with this brewery.
Let me see (inhales deeply) Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Brick building, between a factory (inhales deeply) and a whorehouse.
See you guys later.
Okay, honey.
Hey, where you going? To visit my friend Kathy.
Have a good time.
We won't wait up.
Who's Kathy? Don't tell him I told you.
It turns out Larry's got himself a Mrs.
I'm sorry, Larry and an older woman? No, that makes absolutely no sense.
Why? Because he's innocent and wholesome.
He watches cartoons and does volunteer work.
He drinks chocolate milk.
So? I drink chocolate milk and I'm sleeping with an older woman.
Three months older.
By the way, where did you get this crazy idea? From Larry.
He told me all about it.
Oh, great.
You're getting that disapproving, hole-poking, pee-on-the-fire look that you always get when I'm really happy and you don't want me to be.
Don't Stop doing that look.
No, he's 16.
He's just a boy.
And she's a woman.
I know, I agree.
But you're saying it all wrong.
He's 16.
He's just a boy.
And she's a woman.
A woman who should be arrested.
Oh, relax.
Come on, it's a time-honored tradition.
The older woman and the younger man.
I don't think I ever told you this, but when I was around his age, I had this thing going on with this lady in the neighborhood-- Mrs.
She taught me everything I know about sex.
Thanks a lot, lady.
It took me years to undo the damage.
Years! All right, when Larry gets home, we're gonna sit him down and have a little talk.
He cannot see that woman anymore.
It's just not right.
Okay, okay, fine.
But let me take care of it.
He probably doesn't want to talk to his mother about sex.
I promise I'll get him to stop seeing her.
You know, sometimes I feel horrible about lying right to my wife's face.
This is not one of those times.
(knocking on door) Hey, uh, what's going on? I'm just curious, not that I care, but is there anything on Hillary's new blog about me or boots or, you know, me? I don't know.
This time, I was looking at dirty Web sites.
Well, then let's check it out.
All right.
So, I finally got those amazing boots I wanted.
(squeals, laughs) Aren't they amazing? (sighs) This could possibly be the best gift I've ever gotten.
And now I'd like to thank the person who's responsible for me having the most beautiful boots in the world Here it comes.
Jessica Simpson.
Hey, what are you making, a to-go meal for your lady friend? It's Beef Bourguignon.
Kathy says she really appreciates my cooking, 'cause it's made with love Hmm.
and it's easy to chew.
Okay, well, look, you might want to keep all this on the down-low, okay, 'cause your mother's not exactly thrilled about you spending time with Kathy.
Why? It's charity work.
(chuckling): That's not nice, Larry.
I'd say you're getting more out of this than she is.
Well, it does make me feel good.
Whoa, whoa, what the hell? Larry, you opened this bottle of wine? I wasn't drinking it, I swear.
I just used it to make reduction sauce.
Larry, this is a $120 bottle of wine.
Your mother's going to kill you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How was I supposed to know it cost that much? It all looks the same to me.
It does doesn't it? What Vicky doesn't know is that we're secretly replacing her $120 bottle of wine from the hills of France with this cheap bottle of wine from the hills of Buffalo, New York.
Let's see if she can taste the difference.
(chuckles) Shh.
Look, I felt kind of bad for giving you a hard time, so I made you a little "I'm sorry" dinner.
All right, I ordered in a little "I'm sorry" dinner, but it's on the nice plates.
Well, thank you.
And just so you know, you also bought me this "I'm sorry" dress.
So I don't know a lot about wine, but this nice bottle you bought, would it go good with this dinner? Yes, it would go perfectly.
What a relief, 'cause I already opened it and it's been breathing.
That was the right thing to do, wasn't it? Yes, Dave.
You see, you didn't take the class, but you're actually learning a little about this.
May I? Please.
That's good.
Mm, wow, look at that color.
Okay, now just breath it in.
Get your nose right in there.
All right, I'll see if it could fit.
Mm, wonderful.
You can almost detect the rich French soil and the history that went into the grape.
Can you smell it? Yeah, I can smell it.
Smells like (bleep) Okay, now when you taste it, you're gonna want to let it sit on your tongue for a moment.
Just let it dance around and seduce your taste buds.
All right, as always, my tongue is ready to be seduced.
Mm! Mm! Mm Mm! Mm! Oh, are you loving this? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm loving every second of this.
I mean, this is a bargain at $120.
Really? How so? Well, I mean, it's so complex without being the least bit pretentious.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
It's just one thing about it,though, sweetie.
Hmm? The fact that you're full of crap.
Excuse me? You don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Miss Sophisticated Taste Buds.
You want to know why this wine is so unpretentious? 'Cause I bought it from Walbaums's supermarket down the street! No, no, no, I got that from the wine class.
Yeah, I know.
And I switched it on you, and you can't tell the difference! Why don't you let that sit on your tongue and dance around a little bit? Have a swig, taste the soil.
(laughing) Thank you for pointing out what a fool I am.
Oh! Hey, come on! Don't be like that! Come on, sweetie, I was just busting your chops a little bit.
You can't say you didn't have it coming.
(groans) (sighs) Huh, well, that wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.
Maybe Vicky should sign up for a class on how to take a joke.
(laughing) Good morning, Vicky.
Come on, how long are you gonna give me the silent treatment? I said I was sorry.
What I did last night was mean, stupid and immature, all right? I'm a jerk, so come on, give it to me.
Say something.
That's okay, Dave.
That's it? That's all you got, "It's okay, Dave.
" No, it's fine.
You know, you played a joke, you had some fun-- good times.
Come on.
Look, I know I humiliated you, all right? So, go ahead, you know, humiliate me, all right? Look, I'll help get you started.
Why don't you make fun of the fact that Ronald McDonald and I have the same hairstylist.
Or that my six-pack has turned into a keg? That's always a good one.
Come on, do something, sweetie.
Come on.
You know, this whole thing was my fault.
I was the one stupid enough to think that we could do something fun together.
What are you talking about? We do a lot of fun things together.
Oh, yeah, we have a ball.
There's nothing better than sitting on the couch watching TV, bitching about our kids during commercials.
Come on, that's not all we do.
That's true.
Sometimes we bitch about our jobs, too.
All right, fine-- I know I should've taken the wine class with you.
This is not about the wine class.
We could've done anything.
We could've gone dancing or done Tai Chi or learned a new language.
Man, that wine class is starting to sound good.
It didn't matter what we did.
I just thought we could do something new and fun and different together, you know? Just a you-and-me thing.
You know, I see the future and we're looking an awful lot like our parents.
Why didn't you just say that's what you wanted? I did! I was sitting right on that couch with a brochure saying, "Ooh, this would be fun.
Wouldn't this be fun?" What do you want me to do, hire a skywriter? We're in a rut and you just don't care.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know I said I'm sorry, but now I really am sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
(sighs) Hey, where you going in such a rush? I just got a call.
Kathy's dying and she's asking for me.
She's dying? Yeah, she doesn't have much time left.
Wow, I'm sorry.
What's she dying of? Natural causes.
Natural? How old is this broad? She's 88.
You've been doing an 88-year-old woman? What?! No, no, no, I haven't been sleeping with her.
She's in a nursing home.
I've been volunteering my time with an elderly woman who needed company.
I thought you were having a life-altering, character-building experience with an older woman, but you're just helping people? I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but for your information, helping Kathy has brought her real joy in her last days.
And giving your time is the greatest reward there is! Getting some can be pretty rewarding, too, you know.
Hey, Dad, could you help me change the bulb in my room? Yeah, well, if I do,who you gonna thank,Jessica Simpson? Huh? Oh, you saw my video blog, didn't you? Yeah.
Isn't it great? Oh, yeah, it's a thrill a minute, sweetie.
How come you don't even mention me in there one time? It's like I don't even exist in your life, and you know, for someone who doesn't exist, you know, I spend a lot of money on you.
Wait You're actually complaining that I-I don't bitch about you on my blog? Yeah.
It's very insulting.
I'm guessing you didn't click on the little red-headed frowny face in the bottom right-hand corner.
No, no, no, no, no And you know, besides that one, there's 43 other entries of me complaining about how you've ruined my life.
And you went through all this trouble for me? Uh-huh.
Oh, wow.
And I'm the only person in the family who has their own little animated character and a special page? Yup! That's cool, sweetie.
I guess I am an important part of your life.
Thanks, sweetie.
Wait-- what are you doing? Well, no, I mean, if you think I'm gonna let you keep these after those mean things you said about me, you're buggin'.
Vicky, get your ass off the couch.
We got plans.
Dave, the only plans I have are to see what the bottom of this carton looks like.
All right, I mean it.
You got two seconds to get ready or I'm carrying you out of here caveman style-- let's go.
Leave me alone.
That's it.
One, two Hey, hey! Let's go.
Oh, yeah.
(shrieking): No! No! Welcome, everyone, to "Drawing For Beginners.
" My name is Sara.
Babe, this is so great.
I can't believe you actually got what I was saying.
Baby, I not only got it, but I got it, all right? I love you.
I love you, too.
Tonight's lesson is going to be on the nude figure.
The nude figure? Figures.
What? What? I had no idea.
Okay, I knew it was "Nudie Night" when I signed us up.
This is what you call a win-win situation.
(chuckling) i just like you to know that I'll always remember our special time together.
You're so sweet.
You've really touched my life.
And you've really touched mine.
Well, I wish I could stay longer, but I really have to be getting home now.
But I'm sure I'll see you again.
I wouldn't count on it.
Well, no, um, I meant I'll see you in Heaven.
Oh I don't think so.
Well, sure I will.
You're not going to Heaven.
Excuse me? You haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Savior.
You're going to hell.
Well, I guess I'll see you there.