The War at Home s02e11 Episode Script

Out & In

Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.
Oh.
Hey, here's 50 bucks.
And some Tic Tacs.
No, thanks.
I don't need those.
Oh, yeah, you do.
So, who's the girl? Actually, it's two girls.
Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half of what you usually pay.
Well, I guess your mom works cheap.
Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.
Well, anyway, um, Kenny and I are going on a double date with Stephie and Alissa.
I hope I get Alissa.
She's hotter.
Well, I'm guessing, uh, you could have your pick of 'em.
Because who wouldn't want me? Well, that, and I don't think Kenny's interested in either one of 'em.
Well, why not? They're both kind of cute.
Larry, what I'm saying is, is I don't think Kenny's interested in any girls, because he's He's You know.
What? Gay.
?? What am I talking about? What are you talking about? If Kenny were any gayer, rainbows would be shooting out of his ears.
A-And and the Village People would play when he walked into a room.
What?! Kenny's not gay! LARRY: He's not.
But you know what, even he were gay, it wouldn't bother me.
Not in the least.
All right.
But he's not gay.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and I'm six foot two, you're captain of the football team, and Dad's People magazine's "Sexiest Man of the Year.
" Hey, wait a minute, that's not funny.
Hey, where you going? You doing something with that blind guy again? His name is Mark, and yes, we're going out to lunch.
Wow.
Wow, you two have been seeing a lot of each other lately.
Well, you've been seeing a lot of him.
He happens to be one of the nicest guys I've ever gone out with.
Well, let's be realistic, sweetie-- everyone knows that the clock on that relationship is ticking.
I mean, everyone can see that.
Well, almost everyone.
That's twice.
That's two times.
Okay, everything's all set with the girls for tonight.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm up for going out tonight.
What? They're two of the cutest girls in school.
You know, of the ones that'll actually talk to us.
I'm not really into it.
Maybe my dad was right about you.
What does that mean? N-Nothing.
Never mind.
No, I'd like to know.
Okay.
For some reason, my dad thinks that maybe you're gay.
What? Me? Gay? Okay, keep laughing just a little bit longer to make it believable.
Yeah, that should be enough.
Me, gay.
(chuckles) I haven't laughed that hard since Cher announced her 15th farewell tour.
Yeah, I know-- I told him he was crazy.
But, um, then how come you don't want to go out with the girls tonight? Well, if you must know, Stephie's not really my type.
Alissa is, with those super sweet bosoms.
Meow! Well, if if that's all it is, um, I could take Stephie and you could have Alissa.
Really? You'd do that? Yeah, of course.
You're my best friend.
Wow! I'm psyched! Ooh, I better go check and make sure I still have some condoms left.
Uh, why do they only put a dozen in each box? Yeah! Who do you think you are? A guy who saved $20 on a bookshelf and has to spend three hours putting it together.
Larry told me what you said about me.
Oh, yeah? You're gonna have to be more specific, Kenny.
I say a lot of things about you.
You said I was, you know, gay.
Oh.
Well, Kenny, I-I'm sorry, I, uh, I shouldn't have said that.
But, uh, in my defense, um, I did say it behind your back.
Well, it was a stupid thing to say.
Yeah.
That's kind of my trademark.
But like I said, you know, I'm sorry.
Was there something else? No.
All right.
So, how do you know if you're gay? You know, hypothetically speaking, how do you know? I-Isn't there someone else you could be having this conversation with? Anyone else, you know, like a priest or, I don't know, an Olympic ice skater? I can't discuss this with anyone? Well, then what are you discussing it with me for, Kenny? Because you're the only one who thinks I'm gay.
So how do you know? I don't know, it's kind of like an instinct thing.
It's like ice cream, you know, you either like chocolate or vanilla.
You know? I mean, what flavor do you like? I don't know.
Which one's the gay flavor? So wha-what are you saying here, Kenny? I guess I'm saying I'm I'm gay.
All right.
Good for you, because, you know, you got to be who you are and all that you could be, you know, like in the army.
Not that they're gonna let you in now.
Oh, my God, I actually said it.
Yeah.
I said it, and nothing terrible happened.
In fact, I feel better.
No, I don't feel better.
I feel great.
All right.
Thank you! All right, all right.
All right, we're good now, Kenny.
We're good now.
So I, uh I guess you want to go, uh, home and tell your parents now, huh? Oh, I don't know if I can do that.
Oh, come on, think about how good you felt telling me.
Now, imagine how good you're gonna feel telling somebody who actually gives a crap about you.
You're right.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go tell them.
All right.
Now, uh, l-let's assume this is gonna be the last time you and I ever talk about your feelings, all right? Maybe even the last time you and I talk, period.
Deal? All right.
My date sucked.
This is just not working out.
I think your mistake was going out with a blind guy that can't see you.
You need a guy that can't hear you.
You know, we just have nothing in common.
Plus, this guy's way too much work.
Like, we went to the movies today.
What's happening now? the guy that's married to Reese Witherspoon is breaking into the file cabinet.
Okay.
Now what's happening? Uh, the-the blonde guy's got the thing.
What thing? The-the thing, the thing the bad guys want.
(audience gasps, shouts) Oh, God! What just happened? Nothing.
Why don't you just break up with the guy? Oh, yeah, breaking up with a blind guy-- that'll make me look good.
Hey, maybe I can get Brenda to go out with him, and if she's real quiet then he'll never know the difference.
Why are you looking for sticks and stones when you've got an atomic bomb right here under your own roof.
What are you talking about? You want to turn the guy off, Hillary? Introduce him to Dad.
What? I'm a better human being than you think I am.
Dave, you put together one bookcase.
No.
For your information, I just did something very supportive and nice and all touchy-feely.
But I probably shouldn't tell you about it.
Okay.
I just helped someone figure out that they're gay and told them that they should talk to their parents about it.
(high-pitched): Boop.
Kenny told you he was gay? Yep.
He came out to you? Oh, crap.
Hey, what kind of attitude is that? God, I had no idea you were so homophobic.
No, I applaud him.
I mean, it takes guts.
He's very brave-- I think it's great that he came out.
But why to you? Why not to me? Because, sweetie, in this house, I am the ambassador of humanity, I am the king of communicators, and I am Mr.
Sensitive.
I was there for him and helped that fruit loop figure it out.
It's not fair-- do you know how many times I sat in the kitchen and asked him, "Anything new? "Any secrets you'd like share? Anything you'd like to get off your chest?" You know, I not only opened that closet door, I rolled out the red carpet and handed him a tiara, and he comes out to you? I mean, you?! Hi, Kenny.
What's new? I'm gay! What? That's great! So, uh, did you, uh, talk to your parents, like I sensitively suggested? Yeah, I did.
So, how did it feel? Go on, please share.
It felt great-- like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
I've never felt better in my entire life.
That's great, that's great.
And what did your father say when you told him? ?? parents are kicking you out of the house because your gay? Yeah, but in all fairness, I have to take some of the blame for the way they're acting.
No, this is not your fault.
You are who you are, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, be a proud little gay boy.
No, I'm not ashamed.
I just meant if I hadn't put up such a butch front, mae they wouldn't have been so surprised.
Yeah, you sure had everyone fooled.
Yeah, I'm still just taking it in.
I'm sure it'll be okay.
They just need to get used to the idea.
They'll come around.
Of course they will, honey, of course they will.
Hey, Kenny, what are you doing here so early? Stephie and Alissa won't here for another hour.
Don't worry, you're still getting Alissa.
Yeah, about that I'm going to have to pass on tonight.
Why? Oh, come on, let's give them some privacy.
Come on, I've been waiting for years for this.
Go.
What's going on? I'm gay.
Excuse me? I'm gay.
No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.
No, you're not.
Yeah, he is.
Aren't you going to say anything? Uh um congratulations.
Oh, oh, okay.
Hey, wait just a second.
If you're gay, then how come I couldn't have Alissa? Oh, please, you could do better than her.
That girl is as much a blonde as I am.
And someone needs to tell Miss Thing she is not an "Autumn.
" Wow, I have a feeling you're going to be really good at this gay thing.
What are we going to do about Kenny? What do you mean? I already helped him come to a difficult emotional epiphany.
You're also he one who told him to tell his parents and they kicked him out of the house.
That wasn't my fault.
I assumed they would accept him.
Who knew they were less open-minded then me? You don't see that often, Vicky.
Well, you're the king of communicators.
So why don't you put on your crown and go talk some sense into Kenny's father.
You're right.
And if I can pull him out of the closet, I'm sure I can push him back into his own house.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
What? They won't let Kenny come home? Yeah, and technically, we're not supposed to go over there every again either.
At least something good came out of this.
Mom, this is Mark.
Oh, hi, Mark.
Hi.
Wow, you're just as pretty as Hillary said you were.
Icebreaker.
Thanks.
And just for the record, I'm also very thin.
And this this is my dad.
Okay, this relationship will self-destruct in three, two, one Hey, nice to meet you, Mark.
I give you a lot of credit for dealing with everything you have to deal with.
Thanks.
Believe me, I know what a pain in the ass Hillary can be.
Yeah, yeah.
Anything else you want to say, Dad? Yeah, you you kids have fun.
He's a cool guy.
Whatever.
Hi.
Hey.
Who's the gay guy? Gay guy? That's my brother's friend Kenny.
He's not gay, he's straight.
Yeah, and I'm a pilot for JetBlue.
Why don't you just hang out for a sec.
I'll be right back.
What the hell was that about? Excuse me? I brought home a black guy and the NAACP practically had to be called in.
I introduced you to an Asian guy and you did everything but squint your eyes and sing "Kung Fu Fighting.
" And now you meet my blind boyfriend and all you have to say is "Nice to meet you"? Well, what did you want him to say? I don't know.
A few Stevie Wonder jokes would have been nice at the very least.
You know what, I don't think you deserve that nice boy.
I know that.
I'm a horrible person, and I admit it.
All right, you know, I want to be complimented when I walk into a room, you know, like "You look pretty today.
" And not just, "You smell nice.
" And top of all of that, he's kind of clueless.
I mean, he thinks Kenny's gay.
Honey, maybe you should just break up with him.
And be the bitch who dumps the blind guy? You can be that or eventually be the loser who got dumped by the blind guy.
Mark, we need to talk.
Wow, you are on today.
Now, please tell me you know what we should do about Kenny.
I mean, where's he going to live? I don't know.
Hey, your mother has been saying how lonely she is lately.
She's thinking about getting a puppy, not a gay teenager.
I don't know, Kenny's a smart kid.
He'll figure something out.
You know, there is a logical option.
Here? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, that kid is going to have serious emotional baggage.
So what? All of our kids have serious emotional baggage.
He'll fit right in.
Come on, he's going to need special attention and special soaps and lotions and special gay foods.
We're not equipped to deal with that.
Come on, what choice do we really have? Fine.
We'll take the little homo in.
Mr.
Sensitivity has returned.
Come on, let's tell Kenny.
All right (yelling): Kenny, get down here! What's going on? Hey, honey, we were talking and we just thought, you know, if you'd like to, maybe you should move in with us.
Temporarily.
You know, if you want to.
If not, you know, you don't have to.
No, I do.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, get off of me.
So, uh, Kenny you're gay, huh? Yeah, yeah, I am.
That's cool.
So, uh, have you, um ever been to bed with a guy? No.
Then how do you know you're gay? I just know.
Yeah, but is that really enough? I mean, I'm just saying, personally I'd watch an episode of ER before committing to eight years of medical school.
Well, have you ever been to bed with a girl? No.
Then how do you know you're straight? Hey, Dad, it would have been nice if you'd have asked me my opinion about Kenny moving in.
You ever think maybe I don't want him living here? Oh, how did a sensitive and caring person like me wind up with a heartless little bastard like you? I mean this is all a little weird.
Two hours ago we were going out with two really hot girls, and then all of a sudden he wants my girl and then he makes his big announcement and now he's moving in? I mean, what's next? Mom's going to lend him her uterus so that he can his domestic partner can have a baby? First of all, that factory is closed.
Okay, and second of all, whatever happened to "I could care less if he was gay"? That was before when he wasn't.
Larry, I don't think there ever was a time when he wasn't.
Besides, I don't get it.
If I don't care, why do you? Because he was supposed to be my best friend.
And now I feel like I don't even know him anymore.
Well, you're just going to have to get over that, all right? Kenny is the same annoying freak that he always was.
Now he's just a gay annoying freak.
Well, I just wish that for once someone around here would actually ask my opinion about stuff.
Hey.
What? You know, uh, just so you know, no matter what happens with you I would never do what Kenny's father did.
You know, I would never you know, turn my back on you.
You know that, right? All right, okay.
Okay! That's it.
That is it.
From now on there's officially no more hugging in this house.
All right, we're going back to polite grunts, firm handshakes and affectionate shoulder punches.
Ow! Hey.
Hey.
You know, um It's interesting because, uh if I were gay, and I'm not, but it's cool that you are, I probably would have mentioned something before sharing the big news with your dad.
But that's just me.
What do I know? I'm sorry.
I just wasn't ready.
I guess I kind of figured it would screw up our friendship.
I guess that makes sense.
But you don't have to worry about that.
Good.
Anyway, I'm done lying to people and lying to myself.
Starting today, I'm going to live my life being open and honest about everything.
That's great.
So, um I was just wondering were you ever attracted to me? Absolutely not.
Okay, completely open and honest starting tomorrow.
Hey.
Hey.
Who's this? A friend from school.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't like the way he's looking at you.
I want you out.
But I just came out.
Not you-- you.
Take a walk.
Beat it.
Hey, what's going on? I just threw out some horn dog that was giving my man Kenny here the queer eye.
Oh, welcome to the family.
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