The War at Home s02e12 Episode Script

It's so great living here with you! I know! Finally our "Star Wars vs.
Star Trek" debate isn't that lame in bedtime! You know, it's like a slumber party that never ends.
All right, all right, if I catch you guys having a pillow fight I'm turning the hose on this.
Ah, Kenny, you don't have to laugh at his stupid jokes! No, but it does make life easier.
Mr.
Gold, would it be ok if I had one cookie? Yes, Kenny, you could have a cookie.
Look, how many times have I told you you don't have to ask me if you could have a cookie; you don't have to ask me if you could watch TV; and you don't have to ask me if you'd use the bathroom! But, if I just came out of there I'd wait 50 minutes if I were you! Aah, Kenny, that wasn't a joke.
Thank you for the cookie, Mr.
Gold, and the great advice! You, guys, are the best! I'm worried about Kenny! Why? He seems perfectly happy to me! One might even say "gay"! Honey, he just comes out of the closet, he gets kicked out of his house, and he's all smiles? And on top of that he thinks you're funny.
I mean, if that's not a cry for help I don't know what is! Look, we've got enough problems in this house.
Why are you trying to create ones that don't even exist? No, I'm just saying Kenny's acting like he's fine but I can tell he's crying on the inside.
Good! That's where he should cry! That's where I've been crying for the last 30 years and it hasn't hurt me any! Hasn't hurt the beer industry, either Look, I don't drink 'cause I'm sad.
I drink because I'm bored and dissatisfied with my life.
I'm just saying could we, please, try go our way to be nicer to him? How much nicer can it be? I mean I already gave him food, a place to sleep, I warned him about the bathroom What do you want me to do? Rent them a summerhouse on Fireisland and buy him a leather jacket for the gay private party? Yes, Dave, because there're only 2 ways to be nice to a gay person! No, I know there's other ways but I'm not taking the man ticking or buying him a lapdog.
Could you at least stop with the gay jokes? Fine, I'll be nicer to him, all right? But only have so much nice to give, so someone is coming out of your Porsche.
Dave, did you hear? Henderson died! He was playing golf and had a heart attack.
Oh, my God! That's great! Why? He left behind a wife and 2 kids! And a spectacular corner office with an amazing view! I guess we all agree in our own way.
I've been here for 12 years, ok? I don't even have a window that opens in my office, which is a good thing because, if I did, I probably would have jumped out of it by now.
Or been pushed.
The point is my time has finally come, I'm next in line for that office.
I wouldn't count on it.
It goes by seniority.
Didn't you and Donna start at the same time? Technically, I started 2 minutes before her.
I remember because on the first day I was in the elevator and she said "Can you hold the door, please?" And they closed because, uh, she looked like she could stand to take the stairs.
I hate to say it, Dave, but if it's between you and Donna, you're screwed! She's the nicest person in the office! Mr.
Park loves her! He calls her "Mother Theresa.
" You don't wanna know what he calls you, but the word "mother" figures into it prominently.
What's so great about her, huh? Just because she wears all those disease ripments and organizes all those five caves runs and catch him, bakes the cake every time someone's birthday comes up? Ooopty-doo.
Oh, man, I can kiss that freaking office goodbye! Unless I could figure out how to look better than Donna.
You could try working harder.
Joe, do me a favor, if you don't have anything constructive there, just zip it! I hate Donna, I hate her, I hate her! Who wants a fresh baked muffin? Ooh, blueberry, my favorite! Thanks, Donna! Enjoy! Have a wonderful cancer free day! That bitch is going down! s02e12 Put on a Happy Face Hey, Kenny! I have a surprise for you! It's gonna make you really-really happy! I'm already happy.
Yeah, yeah, sure you are.
OK, what do you think about your room in your basement? Well, it's a little nasty and once an hour the water heater in the corner sounds like it's being violated.
But, you know, it's not without it's charm! What do you say we fix it up? You know, redecorate it I think you mean decorate it.
And no, this family has done way too much for me already.
Don't be silly, I am fixing up that room for you.
I am an interior designer.
It'll be a fun little home project for me.
Just give me a hot glue gun and some fabric and I'll make that water heater look like you certainly wanna violate.
Mrs.
Gold, that is just so nice! Please, allow me! - Oh, thank you, Kenny! - No, thank you! What the hell with all those "please" and "thank you"s? What kind of house did he grow up in? This is not good! It's taken years to make my parents immune to my laziness, he's gonna undo all my hard work! Is he thinking what I'm thinking? Is she thinking what I'm thinking? We need to talk.
You totally just read my mind.
So, Kenny, I anonymously posted this really-really put-down on a Star Trek message boards.
Wanna help me write an equally ready response to myself? Keep it down, OK! We're trying to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".
You mean the show you always make fun of me for watching? Come on.
A maroon sweat pants, a whole whining short and a plast adviser.
Could this guy be any straighter? I can't even here 'em talk over all that clashing.
I would love to go on this show.
Too bad I'm already so stylish and have such a good taste.
Kenny, you don't have to hang out with my dad, I have a TV in my room.
Actually, you don't.
I took yours and moved it down to Kenny's room.
Poor kid was down there with nothing but a water heater.
Fine, let's go down there then.
Kenny, now! Thanks again for everything, Mr.
Gold.
I'll never forget what you've done for me! One day you'll be rewarded for your kindness! Yeah, I should be rewarded like with that corner office.
Not even Donna Do-Gooder can do gooder than that.
Being nice to that little fruit cake is gonna pay off.
Hey, Mr.
Park, how you doing? What a surprise! Look who's in the break room! Why don't we just move your desk in here? I just needed some coffee.
I was up late last night comforting and consulting the gay homosexual foster kid I've selflessly taken in.
You've taken a gay child? Doesn't sound like you.
I know.
I know everyone thinks I'm just a guy at the water cooler telling of color jokes and working like hell for this company 24/7.
But there's more of this man, a lot more, but I don't like to talk about that stuff.
Hey, Joe, good work on that All I'm saying is there are no ribbons for taking any gay foster child.
But if there was one, I wouldn't wear it.
You know, I expect no medals for my humanitarianism.
Perhaps, there will be a reward for your kindness down the road.
That would be, you know, highly unexpected, but I really appreciate it.
Would anyone like to sponsor me in attempt to help fight scleroderma? Hey, FIY, Donna, you keep cure your own diseases, no one even know shorts.
Seriously, Dave, this is an important cause Scleroderma is an incurable disease of which the skin hardens like stone.
Put me down for a hundred.
Hey, God bless you, Donna.
You know what else has no cure? Gayness! And it doesn't need one.
This kid is just like you and I, he deserves all love and attention I can give him.
You, Dave Gold, are a saint! Oh, I'm not.
The saints have the habits to work at of.
I do all my work, at my teeny-tiny little office.
Wow, what are you doing? We don't empty garbage, man! We don't? No, we make it! And we don't do the dishes, man! OK? We use them and sometimes we're finished we put them in the hole.
Like it's a hotel.
The point is we're not nice.
Yet, here I am feeling the love and protection of this family Not nice? Puhlease! Hey, you gotta talk to your friend.
He's making us look bad and I don't need any help looking bad! What are you, guys, complaining about? Before he got here, I was dad's least favorite and somehow I've gone down the notch.
K-Kenny Kenny thinks dad is so great now they're acting like the best friends and I can't stand it anymore! What are you gonna do about it? Well, I guess I gotta find a way to make Kenny hate dad.
Well, how hard can that be? I'm always surprised his car doesn't blow up when he starts it in the morning.
So, the school follies is next week.
I know how much you were looking forward to performing with your dad.
Well, compared to kicking me out of the house and not accompanying me on the zither while singing with Persian folk song in Farsi isn't my biggest problem.
But it would've been so awesome! Hey, I got a great idea! Why don't you ask my dad to be in the show with you? No, he wouldn't wanna do that! No, he wouldn't! Of course he would! I mean he can't play the zither but I'm sure he'd be willing to build a show tune! But he's already done so much for me! That's because he's crazy about you! In fact he'll probably be insulted if you didn't ask him! Well, I wouldn't wanna insult him I mean he's taking me Yeah, yeah, yeah, he walks on water.
Anyway you should definitely ask him.
I guess I will.
Thanks, Larry! Hey, what are friends for? Yes, I know it's evil but it's for everyone's own good! Especially mine.
Your numbers are looking pretty good, Dave! I'd say, compared to last year, you're doing exactly the same.
Thanks, Mr.
Park.
I'm sorry it's so stuffy in here! The window doesn't open.
Hey, Mr.
Gold! Hey, Kenny, Kenny! What a surprise! It's a bad time? No, I'm never too busy for my gay ward.
Come on in! I think we could squeeze the third person in here.
Hey, Mr.
Park, I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but this is Kenny Yes, Dave, I believe you have.
Nice to meet you, Kenny! You too, sir! Are you sure you're not too busy? No, I am busy working for this company, but I'm never busy for a kid in need! What's going on? What can I do for you, my boy? Well, next week is the school follies and my father was supposed Ah, the father that kicked him into the streets like he was a dog with a tumor.
So is there anything I can do for you? A paint scene or make pop corns or sell tickets? I'll sell tickets, I'll sell the hell out of tickets for you, Kenny! Actually, is gonna perform in the show with me.
It's just a little song and dance number for the talent show.
But if you don't want to C'mon, don't be ridiculous! Of course, I want to, Kenny, anything for you, my boy! Oh, Dave, you're full of surprises.
Anyone want my little homemade "cake-in-a-pan"? Not now, Donna! While I was at work, I threw together some ideas for your room.
I think you're gonna be very exited! It's kind of retro-modern thing.
What do you think? Hmmmm.
Hmmmm? I was kinda hoping for "wow", but that's OK.
It's not the only idea I have.
OK.
This one's more industrial, you know like one of those lofts in the village but with extremally low ceilings, no windows.
Isn't it great, huh? Hmmmm.
Again with the "hmmmm"! Come on, Kenny! You can just be honest.
Besides, I'm a professional, I can tell when someone doesn't like something.
How can you tell? Because when people like something, they don't make a face like they have a duty in their pants.
Wow, you are a pro! All right, I'll just take another swing in it.
Hey.
Hey.
So, did you have a chance to ask my dad about being in the show with you? Yes, stopped by his office.
You stopped by his office.
I remember the last time I stopped by.
Surprise! Guess who got an "A" on the geometry class! Larry, I'm working here! Turn around and get the hell out! But I got an "A" Don't make me call security, get out! Yeah.
So, you were saying you stopped by his office.
How did it go? Well, he was kinda in the middle of a meeting.
Aha, go on! But he dropped everything and said "Of course, I'll do it!" Tell me again.
He said he'd do it! My dad said said that he would be in a talent show with you? That's fantastic! You're doing a talent show with Kenny? - Yeah.
- Are you *bleep* me? First you're watching "Queer Eye " with him, now this.
Who are you? I feel like I'm in a Fellini movie, but you probably have no idea what I'm talking about cause you never bothered to watch one with me! You know what kind of movie I wish I was in? "Asylum".
Now shut up, mop-talk! I can't believe this! You were never in the talent show with me.
You never asked me to be in one! Because I knew you wouldn't do it! I don't wanna do this now either, but I had no choice, he asked me in front of my boss, I was cornered, I won't do this thing.
Yeah, I think I know what's going on here: You're feeling left out! Oh, do you think so? Maybe you should quit your job as a decorator and become a child psychiatrist? Oh, honey, it's OK.
Don't "oh, honey" me! You're just as bad as he is.
I was to make a basement makeover project gone.
You know what? Down there might as well open an old box of baby clothes and see if they fit your bottle of joy! Wow! Well, I stand corrected.
You're not feeling left out! You're just a spoiled jealous brat.
Look, I-I-I know this is a really tough time in Kenny's life right now, but you guys have never gotten this far at your way for me.
And I have problems, too! Lots of 'em! You know, we know what problems are, OK? You know, there are people out there who's skin is hardening into stone as we speak.
OK? That's a real disease, all right? I forgot what it's called but it is real, my friend.
And you know who else has real problems? Kenny! He's feeling through him out.
And you're jealous of him? What the hell is the matter with you? Maybe it's the fact that all of the sudden you guys seem to like Kenny whole up better than me! Oh, for crying out loud! I love you! I love you! I love you! How many times do you need to hear it again, insecure freak? Yeah, you're like a chick, you know! Honey, all we're trying to do is help Kenny and make him feel like he's not all alone in this world.
Yeah, you know it makes it easier to be nice to him.
You know why? Because he appreciates me, he looks at me like I'm some sort of hero.
Well, that's just because he doesn't know you! I'm sure I liked you the first few weeks I lived in the house too.
You know, I liked you better then, too, you know, before you could talk.
Kenny is the gay one, how come Larry is the drama queen? Skeledormy, that's what it's called! Oh, hey, what's up, Kenny? You didn't here all that, did you? No! Good! I stopped listening right after the part when you said you didn't wanna do the talent show.
You know, how that is.
I didn't mean that.
If that's OK with you.
Of course it is! I don't want you to feel trapped.
It's not that big a deal.
Really! Wow, that worked out great.
Now I'm sure for that corner office and I don't have to do all that song and dance to get it.
Wow, I wonder how far I'd get in life if I were genuinely nice? Well, I guess we'll never know.
OK, you are going to love-love-love this new concept, it's very debut hotel.
- Huh? - Hmmmm.
Kenny, have you ever seen one of those home makeover shows? Here's how it works.
I show you the designs, you say: "My life has been transformed" and you look at me like I'm a God.
Why is this so important to you? Because, honey, I wanna brighten up a dark and confusing time you're going through, you, pain in the ass! OK, I'll come up with something else.
- No, you don't have to.
- No, really, it's OK.
But you've done enough! - Honey, I want to.
- But I don't want you to.
Why not? 'Cause I'm not gonna be here that long.
My parents are gonna change their mind, they're gonna take me back.
Aren't they? Shouldn't you be memorizing your lyrics for the school follies? No, I already told you, Kenny said I don't have to be in the show.
Dave, he's already been abandoned by one father, I'm not gonna let that happen again.
No, Vicky, I can't do the show.
OK? What you see before you is a man with no rhythm, a man who is completely tone deaf, a man to whom spandex is not kind.
All right? I'm not a song and dance man! I'm a scratch and burp man.
You're doing the show.
Oh, no, I'm not! Gray skies are gonna clear up, Put on a happy face; Brush off the clouds and cheer up, Put on a happy face.
Spread sunshine all over the place, Just Put on a happy face.
Oh, crap, I'll never get this song out of my head! Don't call security.
What's the matter? Nothing, I'm I just wanted to apologize.
I've been acting a really crappy lately.
What you're doing for Kenny is really great.
He really looked so happy up on that stage with you.
Sometimes I can be a real moron.
Nuh.
Here I am thinking you never listen to me.
Come on, I'll take you to the break room, I'll buy you a doughnut.
But just this one time, I don't want you to think you're welcomed here.
How come there's just a picture of Mike and Hillary on your desk? You wanna start a fight or you wanna doughnut? Hey, Vicky, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm just helping Joe pick up some samples for his new office.
New office? Yeah, after Mr.
Park decided to give the corner office to Dana, I congratulated her and told her whether it's her office or wasn't she said, "If you like it so much, why don't you take it?" Well, that Dana really is nice, huh? I hate her.
For this sofa I'm thinking Harriet Bones' veil.
Harriet Bones' veil? Hmmmm.
I can't do it anymore.
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