The War at Home s02e14 Episode Script

A Lower-Middle-Upper-Middle-Class Problem

All right, kids, listen up right now, all right? Look.
This is for you.
This is for you.
And this is for you.
Thank you, Dad.
All right.
I'll see you all in 30 days.
You finally going to rehab? No.
You are.
To financial rehab, okay? Because that's the only money you're getting for the next month.
And it covers everything-- allowance, clothes, movies, everything.
Except for salt and toilet paper.
Those are still complimentary.
Yeah, but when we run out, we come back to you for more, right? No.
Okay, I'm sick and tired of you kids looking at me like I'm a human ATM.
What do you think? You stick a card in my mouth and money just comes out of my ass? Okay? If you run out, that's your problem.
Have I made myself clear? We're getting paid not to talk to you for 30 days.
I would have done that for free.
Wait, Dad.
Dad, this isn't fair.
I have extra expenses-- makeup, clothes.
Mom, tell him.
You know better than anyone how hard it is for a woman to look good.
You're not really helping your case here.
You want more money? Get a job.
A job?! I am surprised at you two.
Your daughter has never had to work a day in her life.
I thought you were proud of that.
Good for you, honey.
I mean, it's about time they learned to be responsible about money.
Oh, it's not just them, Vick.
You got to get a budget, too, okay? You didn't marry a rich man.
Maybe next time.
And, for your information, I do not spend a lot.
Really? Well, let me ask you a question.
How much does it cost you a month just to keep your hair blond? You know.
Just a couple hundred dollars.
And that includes a cut, and highlights, and an incredible scalp massage.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Like that? Yeah.
Is that good? Yeah.
You like that? I do.
We just saved a hundred bucks.
And those Prada boots you were talking about? You can forget it.
No, no, no, no, no! Not the boots! I've been dreaming about those boots for years, and they're finally on sale.
Honey! You know what? We'll get the boots.
No big deal.
And, if the kids want to go to college, we'll just eat dog food.
Which do you prefer? The soft stuff in the can or the crunchy nuggets that makes gravy when you add water? Why is it, any time I want to buy a little something for myself, it leads to a conversation about eating dog food? You do not get it, okay? Prada boots are for upper-class people, and we're not upper-class people.
We're not even middle-class people.
We're lower-middle-upper- middle-class people.
I don't even know what that means.
It means you're not getting the boots.
This is my own fault.
I had to marry the one Jewish guy who's not good with money! < < Can you believe my dad? He expects me to live on a budget.
Why can't we have bitter, divorced parents who want to buy our love like everyone else? Yeah.
Come on.
You want to go to history? Nah.
I went yesterday.
See ya.
See ya.
Hey! Hey, Hillary, uh I was kind of wondering If you don't have any plans, would you like to go to the dance with me? No offense, Monte, but I wouldn't go with you for a million dollars.
How about for $50? How about I pick you up at 7:00, stud? What the hell is this crap? I believe it's called "what's on sale" ale.
No, no, no.
I drink the beer from Bavaria with the sexy girl in the skirt, with the pigtails, that comes in the pretty, green bottle.
This I don't do this.
This is this is a can.
Well, your brand was an upper-middle-class beer, and we can only afford a lower-middle-upper- middle-class beer.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
You think that you can just give me one can of cheap beer and I'm going to abandon my principles? Huh? Is that what you think? Just because that worked on you in college, doesn't mean that's going to work on me now.
Not only am I going to drink this beer, but I'm going to enjoy it.
Mmm! Ahh! Like a little bit of heaven in a can.
There he is! The greatest dad in the world! You're not getting any more money.
I hate you! Mom? Please? Honey, what happened to all the money we just gave you? Well, when I went to Medieval Times, everyone bought a personalized flagon with their crest and name of yore, so I had to buy one, too, or I would have looked like a loser.
What's that? What's that? I can't hear you.
I can't hear you for the next 28 days.
But I need it for lunch money.
Oh, you want lunch? You know, a lot of kids throw away a lot of good food in those garbage cans.
You should see if you can scoop some out with your flagon.
Hey, Larry.
Um if you're having money trouble, you know, I could float you a loan.
Really? You'd do that for me? Of course, Larry.
I'm your brother, you know? I care about you.
Well, thanks.
But there is a small matter of collateral.
Well, my Yoda action figure's worth at least $100.
You paid $100 for a Yoda? No.
I paid $95, but it's increased in value over the years.
Now, as far as the interest rates goes What? The interest? The vig.
The juice.
Come on, Larry.
It's two bucks a day on a $100 loan, and that is a lot less than you'd pay on the street.
But you're family.
Hey, who needs business school? Everything I need to know about finance I learned from The Sopranos.
Jeff, could you please buy me some nachos? How much longer is this budget thing going to go on, Dave? You're starting to cost more than a woman on the side.
All right, fine.
It's hard but, you know, I'm determined to set an example for my entire family.
Is that a Rolex? Just got it.
Wow! The Oyster Perpetual Datejust Turn-o-graph with the jubilee bracelet and the sapphire crystal.
Wow! I've always dreamed about getting one of those.
Pretty sweet, huh? Yeah, man.
That's a $10,000 watch.
How the hell did you get it? What? You got it from your allergist? The mob.
The mob?! Shh! What? That thing is hot? Dave My cousin Stu is an accountant for guys who know guys.
Oh, Jeff, come on, man.
I can't believe you would buy stolen property.
Come on.
That is just that is low.
I know, but it only cost me a grand.
You got to get me one of those.
No, no.
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
I got Vicky cutting her own hair.
If she found out, she'd kill me.
Besides, it's illegal, so just forget it.
I don't want to do it.
Don't be an idiot! Go ahead.
Make the call! Do it right now.
What, are you crazy? Fine.
What are you going to tell Vicky when she sees it? Please.
She won't even notice.
I mean, she hasn't taken a good look at me in five years.
She still thinks I weigh 180 pounds.
Boy, she really doesn't look at you.
You know what? Just for that, you're going to buy me the buffalo wings, too.
That nerd Monte Zoldessy paid you 50 bucks to go out with him? Yep.
Easiest money I ever made.
Actually, it's the only money I ever made, but it still seemed really easy.
Why didn't I think of this? I mean, I go out with losers all the time for free.
You think you could hook me up? Actually, I have more dates than I can handle this weekend.
I guess I could let you work one of them.
Really? Yeah.
But, I mean, it's only fair that I I take a commission.
I'm thinking 20 percent.
What are you saying? You're my pimp? Yeah.
Kind of.
That is so cool! I have a pimp! Hey, guys.
Hey, is that a new cell phone? Yeah.
How could you afford that? I guess I'm better at this budgeting thing than you thought I was.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing? Where did you get that watch? Okay, you can do this.
Just think fast.
What watch? The one that's on your wrist.
Oh! It's a Rolex! You bought yourself a Rolex?! Oh! What happened to the new budget? Relax.
It's not a Rolex.
It's a "Faux-lex.
" Okay? I bought it on the street for 20 bucks from an enterprising Nigerian.
He even threw in an umbrella to sweeten the deal.
Nice man, that Tundee.
You scared me for a second there.
Hey, Vicky, what the hell's going on with Hillary? You know, she bought herself some expensive cell phone that I know she can't afford.
Oh, no.
You don't think she's shoplifting, do you? No, no.
I mean, she wears her clothes are so tight, I mean, where would she hide anything? I don't know, but she's up to something, okay? Something's going on with her.
Haven't you noticed that she's always on the phone, she's always text messaging, and she's being so secretive? Oh, my God! You don't think she's a teenager? Where's my interest? You're late on your payments.
I I don't have it, but but I can get it to you tomorrow.
I That is what you said yesterday, okay? You think this is some kind of joke? No.
Larry, if you don't get me ten bucks by tonight, I swear to God, I will break Yoda's legs.
Please tell me there is a rational explanation as to why your hands are in my pants.
They're not.
You're dreaming.
If I was dreaming, J-Lo would have her hand in my pocket, not you! Look, I wouldn't have to steal if it weren't for your stupid budget thing! I'm in big trouble now.
What? Well, what happened? What's the matter? Mike gave me this loan, and, if I don't pay him back, he's going to break Yoda's legs.
What? Mike! Get in here right now! Hurry up! Come here! What's up, Dad? Did you lend your brother money, charge him interest and threaten to break his doll's legs? Uh yeah.
I've never been more proud of you.
What?! That's showing the entrepreneurial spirit.
That's taking initiative.
That's extortion! Oh, where were your morals five minutes ago when your hands were down my pants? So, uh, Hillary's not up to anything, huh? I don't know what I'm talking about, huh? Yeah, I'm with you so far.
This girl's dealing drugs.
What? Are you insane? I go through her room twice a week.
Trust me, if there were any drugs in there we'd be smoking them right now.
Look at this-- the smoking gun, Vicky.
The smoking gun.
It's a list of initials and dollar amounts.
See, these are her clients, and that's the amount of money they owe.
Oh, yeah-- Hello Kitty notepad.
If that doesn't say teenage drug kingpin I don't know what does.
Okay, Nicole, you are going to the Great Neck Jewish Youth Group Dance with Alan Liebowitz.
And, Brenda, you're going with Jared Bookbinder to his sister's sweet sixteen.
Dress is casual but slutty.
Oh, good.
I thought I was going to have to buy something new.
Well, if you had to, you could afford it.
Line up, bitches, it's payday.
Yeah! Ha! Okay, you're busted.
For what? Drug dealing.
I caught you red-handed during the middle of a transaction.
Uh, Dad, if I was dealing drugs, wouldn't they be giving me money? Yeah, well, then what the hell's going on in here? If you must know, I'm in the party promoting business.
And we hand out invitations to clubs.
And for every person who shows up with an invitation with my initials on it, I get a dollar and I give each of them 50 cents.
Oh, okay.
Good, good, so you're in sales just like me.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Wow, that's great.
Let me give you a little tip, sweetie.
Remember, in sales, you are selling yourself.
You are the product.
I couldn't agree more.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, my pleasure.
I'm very proud of you, my little working girl.
What are you doing, making mac and cheese? No, I'm actually making Yoda Alfredo.
Wait, wait, stop.
You're going to steam out his wrinkles.
Please, please, I can pay you.
I've got the money, here.
In fact, I can pay off the entire loan.
All right.
Okay, I'm glad to see you living up to your obligations.
So, where'd you come up with the money? Thank you.
Well, actually I've been working with the local newspaper.
Way to go, paperboy.
What was that for? 'Cause I'm proud of you.
I know I gave you a hard time about the new budget and everything, but you know what, you're a good father and a great husband and I just, I don't tell you that enough.
Now I feel really guilty and I can't enjoy my Rolex.
Why'd she have to be nice to me? Stupid Vicky.
I'll get it.
See ya.
One second.
I'm here to see Hillary.
Hey, Hillary, come here.
Who's the butterball? I don't know.
Damn, you are fine.
Go away, little boy.
Wait, I'm Harrison.
I talked to you on the phone about being my date for the sixth grade luau.
You're dating a 12-year-old? Oh, don't be insane.
Of course she wouldn't go out with me.
That's why I'm paying her.
I'll give you the rest on Saturday.
Are you okay with pennies? Get out of here, Pugsley.
What, the? Are you are you are you insane? You're dating boys for money now? Do you know what that makes you? An entrepreneur? No, a hooker! No, that's not true, okay? I don't fool around with anyone.
Even worse-- you're a bad hooker.
It doesn't matter, because you're out of business.
I shut you down.
Fine, but you know, you know, there's gonna be a lot of disappointed little boys at the Schwartzman Bar Mitzvah this weekend! Well, they're Jewish boys becoming Jewish men.
It's time they get used to disappointment.
Mindy will you please buy me a pedicure? Wow, you guys are still sticking to that budget? Yeah No, it's a good thing, you know.
Dave is teaching the kids a valuable lesson about money.
And you know what, he's right.
I don't need those Prada boots.
Really, I don't.
Wow, I almost believed you that time.
I went to the mall yesterday just to say hello to them.
You know what, you're so lucky you have Dave.
I'm so pissed off at Jeff.
Did I tell you? He bought a stolen watch from his no good cousin Stu.
He did? Yeah, he bought a hot Rolex.
And then he tried to tell me it was a "Faux-lex.
" But I could see through that.
I'm not like an idiot.
Have you seen my watch anywhere? Oh, you mean this watch? Yeah.
What are you doing with that? Oh, I was just admiring it.
It's so real looking, you know? Like an authentic Rolex.
No, no, no, if you were familiar with the Rolex brand you would be able to tell that this is nothing but a cheap knockoff.
Frankly, I'm surprised it's still working.
But what do you expect for 20 bucks, you know? Are you sure, Dave? You sure it's not a real Rolex? How can a guy like me possibly afford a $10,000 watch, right? I don't know.
Maybe the same way your friend Jeff can.
Excuse me? Yeah, I had an interesting conversation with Mindy today.
And she told me that Jeff bought a stolen Rolex from his cousin, but at first he told her it was a "Faux-lex.
" Isn't that interesting? Come on, sweetie, why do you even hang out with that girl? I mean, that broad is a lush.
You know what I think, Dave? I think you bought a stolen Rolex from Jeff's cousin, too.
No, no, silly I told you, I bought mine on the street for 20 bucks.
Hmm, so you're telling me that Jeff bought a stolen Rolex from his cousin, but told Mindy it was a Faux-lex, the same week that you actually bought a Faux-lex and all this is just a coincidence.
Yes, it is, Vicky.
And frankly, I don't like the tone of your voice.
Well, does any of this seem real to you, Dave? Does any of this seem like it could really happen to a real and actual person? Are you? Are you calling me a liar? How dar how dare you.
Yes, Dave, I am calling you a liar.
But I'm giving you an opportunity right now to look me in the eye and tell me what really happened.
You know, th-this is just insulting.
And not just to me, but to poor Tundee.
A man who grew up in abject poverty in a war-torn African nation and somehow made his way over here with nothing but a blanket and a bag of fake watches.
And you have the gall, sister, you have the gall to tell me that you do not believe that this man exists? No, Dave, I don't believe it at all.
I-I-I can't believe after all these years ?????? You know what, I am offended as a man and a husband and a father and a man, okay? Okay, that you would think I would do such a terrible thing.
Okay, fine.
I was wrong.
It's a fake Rolex.
Apology accepted.
And since it's a fake Rolex, I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I took a hammer and smashed it into a million pieces.
No, I would not mind.
I would not mind at all.
But if you did that, Vicky, okay, you would not just be smashing a watch-- you would be smashing a bond between the two of us.
And this day would always be remembered as the day the trust died.
Fine with me.
No! So does it hurt? Uh-huh.
This whole budget thing really worked out great.
Mike's a loan shark, Hillary's a prostitute and you're an accessory after the fact to burglary.
Yeah, well, I mean, if you want to just focus on the negative.
It's not all bad.
I mean, I did stop you from buying those boots.
And what about Larry? I mean, at least he learned how to make an honest buck, huh? Well, well.
Look who it is.
Dave's partner in crime.
I don't know what you are talking about.
Jeff, don't play dumb with me.
I know you got Dave that stolen watch, and I don't know what kind of people you or your cousin associate with, but is there any way you can get your hands on a pair of Prada boots? Thanks.
Size seven and a half.
Got it.
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