The War at Home s02e15 Episode Script

Zero Tolerance

Shouldn't you get in the shower? You're going to be late for work.
I called in sick.
I'm taking a mental health day.
A mental health day? Isn't that kind of like putting a Band-Aid on a stab wound? I'm just kind of stressed out with everything lately, you know.
Why? Things have been really great around here lately.
I can't remember the last time Hillary told us she hated us, and Mike hasn't started a pyramid scheme in ages.
And Larry's "back-ne" is all cleared up.
No, no, no, don't say that, okay? You're not supposed to say anything when things are going good.
You'll jinx it.
You'll put the kenna-hurra on us! The evil eye! Okay, now go throw some salt over your shoulder and spit on the ground.
When did you become your grandmother? Should get you a glass of prune juice to keep things moving? You get it.
Who is it? It's the school.
Larry's been sent to the principal's office.
You see what I mean? This is why I never want to talk to you after we have sex.
Okay, thank you very much.
And this was found in Larry's jacket pocket.
You got busted with pot? What the hell's the matter with you? You know, I'm ashamed to call you my son.
All right, the truth is, this is actually the first time I feel like he really is my son.
You know, Principal Fink, you do your best to provide a drug-free environment, and this just goes to show it can happen in even the best of families.
And in yours.
Anyway, he's going to have plenty of time to think about what he's done because this school has a zero tolerance policy.
As it should.
No one should have to tolerate this zero.
Yes, well, I have no idea why Larry would turn to drugs with such a supportive father.
But, unfortunately, he's going to have to be suspended for the next 30 days.
I can't believe you'd do something so stupid.
And besides, you know how bad that stuff is for you? It messes up your memory and makes you totally paranoid.
It wasn't my pot.
Oh, please, please, please.
What, did you find it on the floor and you picked it up so no little kids would get their hands on it? Or were you holding it for a friend? That's always a good one.
No, no, actually it's yours.
- Excuse me? - You rushed me out the door this morning, so I grabbed your jacket and there was a joint in your pocket.
Well, then I'm not mad at you anymore.
Good thing he didn't take my other jacket or he'd be in the back of a squad car right now.
Hey, Principal Fink, funny story You're going to love this one, I'm tellin' you.
What? This one's for the principal's convention.
Oh, man, it turns out that Uh-huh? Larry's pot Uh-huh? it was actually my pot.
Sure it was.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
I'm serious.
He left this morning, and he happened to take my jacket by mistake and, you know, I had a little joint in my side pocket.
But, but, but, before you go judging me, you know, I just want you to know that I found it on the floor and I picked it up because, you know, I didn't want any little kids to get their hands on it.
Oh, come on, Mr.
Gold, you're just covering for Larry so he won't get into trouble.
I mean, what parent would not lie for their child? Me! I'm not that kind of parent, okay? I'm the kind of parent who would have a joint in his pocket.
Look, I'm completely irresponsible.
I'm supposed to be at work right now, but I called in sick just so I could have sex with my wife, you know what I mean? Mr.
Gold, we've met before, so you don't have to convince me that you're an irresponsible parent.
< < Am I crazy or can you kind of see Jesus in this brownie? Look, I thought you said there was going to be some easy, hot Catholic schoolgirls at this thing.
Hey, what do I know? I'm Jewish, too.
We gave it a shot.
I'm guessing it's not going to be too hard for these girls to remain virgins until they're married.
Maybe even after they're married.
Well, I'm out of here.
I'm so glad you came today.
Thank you, Father.
It's always nice to meet a sweet, handsome young man like you.
Is it just me, or is something about this not kosher? I can't believe you got me suspended.
I have tests and things I study for.
Plus, we're about to start square dancing in gym.
It was finally my chance to shine.
Look, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry? Once.
Once would be nice.
Fine, fine.
I'm sorry.
You know, there is one silver lining.
At least I get to watch Mom scream at you.
She's going to be pissed.
Not if she thinks it was your pot.
I mean, there's no reason for us to both get in trouble.
You know what I'm saying my son? Dad had pot in his jacket and he got me kicked out of school and he wanted me to lie about it.
DAVE: Yeah, yeah, well, Larry took my jacket without asking permission.
You said you'd quit.
I did quit, but I had a little slip.
No, a little slip is you take a hit at a party.
Not that you called someone, met them, bought it, rolled it, smoked it and thought, "I'll save the rest in my pocket for another time.
" Don't blame me for this.
This is all your fault, okay? You're the one who jinxed us by saying everything was going good.
I'm just a pawn trapped in your web of kenna-hurra.
You know what? Deny it all you want, but it's really starting to seem like you have a problem.
I don't have a problem.
Come on, so what? I like to smoke a little ganja every now and then.
I happen to live a very stressful life.
I have a very hard job and three teenagers.
Yeah, well, I have a very hard job and three teenagers and a "you.
" You don't see me smoking pot every chance I get, you pothead.
Of course not, of course not.
You don't have the time, what with all the wine you drink, you chardonnay-head.
I don't drink that much wine.
Besides, it's totally different.
Wine is legal.
And it's full of antioxidants.
Besides you're forgetting, you also drink your beer.
Yeah, well, I use the beer for my Mike- and Hillary- related headaches.
But for Larry-related headaches, I need the extra strength relief.
Okay? Besides, we got that fruit loop Kenny living with us now.
So it's a miracle I haven't turned our garage into a meth lab.
You're quitting, Dave.
Come on, don't treat me like I'm a drug addict.
I'm not.
I'm just a casual pot smoker.
Well, so was I, but then we agreed we'd stop because we have teenagers and it's irresponsible.
Did we not discuss this? Did you not promise me that you would quit? Yes, yes, I did.
But in my defense, you know, I may have been stoned when I made that promise.
Well, so was I.
But I stuck to it and so will you.
And if you don't have a pot problem, then it should be no big deal.
Fine, fine, okay.
I promise that I will never smoke pot ever again.
I'm glad you learned your lesson.
I did, okay? I learned my lesson.
I should have smoked that whole joint in one sitting.
I used to do that, but I was trying to be more responsible Vicky.
Larry, I cannot believe you got kicked out of school.
I am so impressed with you.
Yeah, I mean, for years I thought you were the biggest dork on the planet and now this.
It's like I have a brand-new brother.
For your information, that pot wasn't mine.
I've never smoked pot a day in my life and I never will.
And there's the brother we all know and don't really love.
Thank God you're not on drugs.
I thought I was going to have to stage an intervention, which would have been pretty pathetic considering I'm your only friend.
So wait, if the pot wasn't yours, then whose was it? It was Dad's.
He left it in his jacket pocket.
I borrowed Mom's jacket once and all I found was an empty bottle of antidepressants and some Twinkie wrappers.
Oh, hey, Kenny, um I need your expert advice.
It's about your hair, isn't it? No.
Why, what's wrong with my hair? Oh, nothing.
It totally works for you.
You were saying? Okay, well, how do you know if a guy is hitting on you? I wish I knew.
So far, I'm only gay in theory.
Hey, why'd you ask him that? Well, I think a guy might have been hitting on me.
I'm not exactly sure.
Well, it's not that big of a deal.
Just tell him that it's not your thing, and you're not interested.
Um it's a little bit more complicated than that.
He's, uh kind of an older man.
Oh ew! And technically he's a priest.
A priest, huh? Well, in that case, yes, he was definitely hitting on you.
Come on, they're not all like that.
I think that you should tell somebody what he did.
That is the thing though, you know.
I'm not sure that he did.
And I don't want to get the guy in trouble if he didn't.
But if he did, then I totally do.
What are you going to do about it? I mean, I guess I got to give him another shot at me.
Why are we even here? I don't want to go to Catholic school.
Because we've got to do something with you for the next 30 days.
So don't say anything, smile, and try not to look too Jewy.
You know, I'm starting to think maybe you shouldn't say anything either.
Hi, Father Conlon.
Well, what can I do for you? Well, we were interested in Larry signing up for your parochial school.
Yeah, just for, like, a month.
Just to see if he likes it.
Suspended? Yeah.
This kid could obviously use some more discipline, you know what I mean, Father? I can't believe you can stand in a house of God and lie like that.
See what I'm talking about? You know, feel free to whack him with a ruler if you want.
The reason I got suspended was because I wore his jacket and he had pot in it.
Is that true? Yes, Father, it is.
Yes, yes, yes, but it's not an issue anymore, okay? Do you use a lot of marijuana, Dave? Do I use a lot of marijuana? I mean, compared to who? You know? Compared to you? Probably.
You know, compared to Snoop Doggy Dogg? Not so much.
You know, there is a program that meets right here at the church that you might be interested in.
Pot Smokers Anonymous? Honey, that might be a good idea, you know? Just to get some support.
???out of the house one night a week.
Hey, I'm entitled to a mental health day, too.
Look, I don't need any support because I'm not an addict, okay? And I told you, I quit already.
And besides, for God sakes, okay, a priest's office isn't the place to be discussing personal family issues.
So, come on, come on, is Larry a St.
Mary's boy or not? I'm afraid we don't have any space at the school right now.
What are we going to do with him for the next 30 days? What about homeschooling? I guess we could homeschool him.
It's only a month, right? Actually, I think you mean you'll be homeschooling him.
Wait, wait, wait.
Come in.
Hey, Father Conlon.
How's it going? I'm sorry.
You're, uh? Mike.
I met you the other day at the youth group.
I think you called me a sweet, handsome young man.
Oh, yes.
I remember you now.
What can I do for you, Mike? Oh, well, I was just shooting hoops on your court, and I thought I'd stop by and (clicks tongue) see how you're doing.
I'm fine.
Yes, you are.
So he wants to play hard-to-get, huh? Oh, would you look at that? My shoelace is untied.
All right, this is going to be great.
Just you and me, hanging out, spending quality time hitting the books with a one-to-one student-teacher ratio.
That's pretty good, huh? Aren't we missing the teacher? Look at you! You're the funniest kid in the class! And the smartest and best-looking! That's a first, huh? All right.
What's going on? I'm just homeschooling your brother here.
Ow! What was that for? I'm just trying to make it like any other day at school for you.
All right, get out of here.
We're working here.
All right.
So, does anybody have any questions about the math assignment from this morning? Anybody? Anyone? Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
I had a question about problem six.
Oh, yeah? What was that? If Billy travels 15 miles every day to get to school for 180 days, how many days will it take for his father to get him suspended for having a joint in his pocket? Come on, all right? Would you stop that.
Okay, I said I'm sorry.
What do you want from me? Look, I'm tryingto make the bestof the situation, okay, and you being angry at me isn't goingto make it any easier.
Oh, so my job, after you get me kicked out of school, is to make this easier for you.
Well, thanks for clearing that up.
Great! Great! Now I finally learned something today! Larry, Larry, people make mistakes, okay? If people didn't make mistakes, you wouldn't even be here right now.
Aw, come on, it's just a little joke.
It's supposed to be funny.
Oh, maybe I should toke up a little.
Then everything's funny, right? This pencil is a little smaller than this pencil.
(fake giggling) All right.
It's hilarious.
Would you stop? Stop, all right? I'm not going to sit here and be treated like some drug addict.
I'm still your father, all right? And, for your information, I quit smoking the pot.
What, are you baking it into brownies now? Let's just move on to the next question.
Okay, a father has three children.
Suddenly, he only has two.
How could something like that happen? What the? DAVE: Hey! Hey.
Sorry, sweet.
Did I wake you? What are you doing out there? Oh, I was just you know, getting some air.
On the roof? In the middle of the night? Yeah.
I guess the window got stuck.
Would you mind opening it, please? You weren't smoking pot, by any chance? No.
I told you, I was just getting some air and checking out the stars, you know? They're really amazing tonight.
There's, like, so many of them, and they're so far away, and they're all so super shiny.
They look like, you know, tiny, tiny little snowflakes.
But not like snowflakes.
More like more like stars.
Okay, I I guess I had a couple of hits.
Am I crazy, or did you promise me that you would quit? And then, when I caught you smoking again, you promised me that you would quit.
So now what are you going to say, Dave? That you promise me you're going to quit? I can't tell if she's repeating things or am I just really buzzed? I can't believe you.
You know what? I'm starting to think you really do have a problem.
Oh, no! It just happened to be a really stressful night because Larry drove me crazy with the homeschooling thing.
You know, I just needed a little.
So not only are you lying about it, and hiding it, but now you need it.
Sounds like a problem to me.
I don't have a problem.
The only problem I have is you keep telling me I have a problem.
You know what? You have another problem, Dave.
What's that? Good night.
Could you at least get me some chips? And some cookies! Ooh! And some chips? And that was it, and I said to myself, "Enough is enough.
" And I have been pot-free for eight years.
Nine? Eight or nine? Nine? I think it's No, it's only eight.
It's eight? No, it's it's Well, I don't know exactly how long it's been, for obvious reasons, but I know it's been a long time.
Thank you for sharing, Brian.
Now, before we end Nine! It was nine.
Thank you, Brian.
Now, are there any newcomers who want to share? Yeah.
My name is Dave.
ALL: Hi, Dave! Right.
How you doing? Uh look.
I'm only here because I promised my wife I would come.
You know, I don't really have a problem.
Ha! Yeah, right.
No, no.
I don't.
I don't.
You know, it's not like I'm some big druggie.
No offense to any of you out there who might be big druggies.
I'm just not.
You know? You know, sure, I do like to smoke a little pot every once in a while.
But, you know, I happen to be under a lot of pressure, you know? I have a very stressful job, and I have three teenagers.
Yes, I have been doing it for a long time.
And I suppose, maybe, I got my son suspended from school because of my pot smoking.
I guess I am setting a bad example for my kids.
And, you know, my wife is really, really, really pissed about it.
Technically, I did sleep on the roof last night, but Okay, maybe I do have a little problem.
I'll see you next week.
That was great, Dave.
We're here every Thursday night.
Everyone, there's coffee and doughnuts, so feel free to hang out.
It was eight.
I said nine.
It was eight.
I'm sorry.
Principal Fink? Dave! It's called Pot Smokers Anonymous.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Four years.
One day a time.
That's great.
You know, now that I found out that really was your pot, I see no reason why Larry can't come back to school tomorrow.
Oh, man.
That's great.
I really I really appreciate that.
So you used to, uh smoke the chronic? You have three teenagers.
I have 3,000.
So did you really sleep on the roof last night? Well, I fell asleep up there, but I woke up in the backyard.
- I'm not really sure how that happened.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I woke up in a dryer once.
Been there.
I want to just say I am really proud that you actually stopped smoking pot.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
But I'm letting you know right now, I'm not doing anything about my sex addiction.
If you're not proof that drugs kill brain cells, I don't know what is.
I got to admit, quitting wasn't that easy, but I think it's the best thing for our entire family.
And we love you for it.
Very, very much.
Sample, please.
Hey, Father Conlon, how you doing? What can we do for you? I'm here about your son.
I'm afraid he came to see me, and he was acting a little odd.
Odd? What was Larry doing now? Actually, it was Mike.
He How do I put this? He tried to seduce me.
Come on, Father.
Look, there must be some sort of misunderstanding.
Look, I know when people don't get any for as long as you people don't get anything, you know, everything must seem sexual, right? In fact, I bet you this chair's looking pretty good to you, huh? Huh? Don't worry.
I understand.
Me and Vicky have taken some wild rides on this bad boy.
Father, trust me.
I'm sure our son was not making a pass at you.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on the roof.
Hey, I don't want you going up there to smoke pot.
Oh, I'm not.
I'm going to throw myself off of it.
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