The War at Home s02e16 Episode Script

No Weddings and a Funeral

- Hey.
- Hey! Mm! Something smells good! A little too good! What the hell is going on in here? My Mom and her boyfriend said they’re coming over for dinner.
Oh, there goes my appetite.
You know, the two of them are always all over each other, you know, people of that age shouldn’t have public displays of affection.
In fact, people of that age shouldn’t have private displays of affection.
Why not? They’re in love! What’s wrong with showing it? The Hey, what’s with all the primping? - I’m hanging out with Dylan.
- Ooh, is that you little boyfriend? Not yet, but fingers crossed! Yeah, the little birdies twitter around your head when he makes goo-goo eyes at you? Pff, no! Dad, why do you have to embarrass Kenny like that? ‘Cause I like to treat him like I would treat any of you kids, Miss pimple-in-between-your-eyebrows.
That’s him! Do I look okay? Is this shirt too tight? Is it tight enough? Maybe I should change it into something tighter? Or less tight? Maybe I should just forget the whole thing! - Kenny, Kenny, you look great! - Yeah, come on, have a little confidence, alright? Haven’t you ever heard of “Gay Pride”? Hi! Dylan ! What are you doing here, I broke up with you, like, a year and a half ago! What are you, a glutton for punishment? Actually, I’m here to see Kenny.
Kenny?! Wait, wait, my Dylan is now your Dylan? Oh no, Hillary! You’re the gay-maker! The last stop on the train to Gayville! Just sprinkle on a little Hillary and hello! Gosh, Mom, that necklace is gorgeous! That was a present from Sid.
And he bought it for me just for being me! The stones may sparkle, but not as much as Betty does! Vicky, that brisket was delicious! And I know brisket! I was the second largest kosher meat distributor in the tri-state area and I was my own best customer! I love meat! But not as much as I love Betty! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go picture my parents having sex, just to get that horrible image out of my head.
We have a little announcement to make.
We’re getting married.
Wow! Congratulations! It’s wonderful, I’m so happy for you! Thank you! Wait a minute, Grandma, you don’t have to get married, do you? Mike, every day you become more and more like your father.
Stop it! - So, Mom, when’s the wedding? - It’s two weeks from today.
- And we want you all to be there! - Well of course we’re all gonna be there! Yeah, I can’t think of any reason why we wouldn’t! But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something.
- So, Mom, give me all the details.
- It’s all very casual.
We’re having it in St.
Martin at the Royal Ocean hotel! Oh, Vicky, it’s to die for! Whoa, a trip to St.
Moron to watch you guys get married? That sounds… that sounds a little expensive.
Yeah, but Betty won’t be happy if you’re not all there.
Sure she will.
And we’re really not that close a family.
Well, I wish I had known that before I spent all this money to treat everyone to an all-expenses-paid trip to the tropical paradise of St.
Martin! Daddy! Doesn’t my Mom seem happy? I mean, really happy.
That was a post-botox smile.
Vicky, look at this hotel, there’s a swimmer bar at the pool, that means I could drink as much as I want and I won’t even have to worry about getting out to find a place to pee! It’s so great that she found love and romance at this time in her life.
I mean, it’s inspirational! Hey, you know what? We should do something romantic! I totally agree.
You know what, give me 10 minutes to use the can, and I’ll meet you upstairs.
Wow, you’re going to the bathroom first? I feel like I’m in a romance novel.
Come on, Dave! What do you want me to do? I want you to think of something romantic for us to do together! I had the best time tonight with Dylan! He spells his name with a “y”.
Why? Because he’s cute! - Good night.
- Good night, Kenny.
- So, is Dylan his boyfriend? - Fingers crossed! Well, now that he has a boyfriend, and he’s gonna be home alone while we’re away, I think you need to talk to him about safe sex.
Oh, what, are you kidding me? No! We don’t know what he knows and doesn’t know about sex! And I’d like to keep it that way! And I’d like to keep him from getting AIDS! Alright, alright, alright, fine, fine, I’ll go have a talk with him about the birds and… the birds.
So, uh… you’re… you’re reading a comic book, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, you know how those things come wrapped in plastic to protect them? Um, yeah.
Well, that’s always a good idea in general, you know, it’s good to keep things wrapped up to protect them, you know what I’m saying? Please tell me this is about me leaving the ham out on the counter? Oh my God, are you trying to talk to me about… safe sex? Yeah, but, uh, there’s nothing to feel weird about.
This is the most uncomfortable moment of my entire life! Okay, now, look, I looked up some stuff online, and it turns out that there’s safe, safer, and safest sex.
The safest sex would be you calling up Dylan and saying “I hate you, I’m moving to Russia, and don’t ever contact me again.
” Okay, I understand, are we done now? Unfortunately not.
Now listen to me, when two guys, uh, you know, together, and they decide they, uh… Oh, how did it come to this? How did that wind up in a conversation about the intricacies of gay sex? That makes sense? Yeah… yeah, I really don’t think we need to talk about this anymore.
I think I got it.
No, no, you think you got it? Come on, that’s not good enough, Kenny, alright? This isn’t like regular sex when there’s some girl there to say “no” to everything.
You two guys, okay, and let’s face it, I mean, guys are animals, and what happens when you get two animals together? Huh? They attack each other! Right? So before you go out there and you get attacked, you need to learn all the facts, alright? Now, listen to me.
When it comes to bondage – and, according to my research, it will come to bondage… Honey, you know what? I came up with a really great romantic idea for us.
We will renew our wedding vows! We get this small banquet room at the Hunnington Inn and do a lunch – or a brunch – and we have all of our friends over, we get really dressed up, we take lots of pictures, wouldn’t that be great? Eh! Eh? Please! Tell me you’re saying “eh” because you want the big banquet room! Come on, come on, baby, why would I want to spend all that money on something I already own? I’m just kidding, I’m just kidding you, my love, but seriously, why do we go through all that trouble? Alright, I get your point, I mean, - who needs all those other people? - Yeah! - It’s just about us! - You and me! I know! While we’re in St.
Martin this weekend, we could just stroll down to the beach, just the two of us, holding hands in twilight and pledging our undying love to each other? Eh! Anybody want another cigar? I thought you said you can’t smoke! No, I can’t eat steak.
Oh, I’m sorry, it should be a lot easier for you if you had a little “not’s” pin to use.
So, not the playing cards and bragging about the size of our funeral plots, isn’t she a joy, but isn’t it time this bachelor party got cooked? When’s the stripper getting here? Albert, she got here an hour ago, she finished already! What? Damn this medication I’m on! My short-term memory’s in the toilet! Did I enjoy it? - Well, yeah, actually, you were drooling a lot.
- Really? Oh, wait! The other medication I’m on causes that! Thanks, sweetie, and God bless you for giving me a senior citizen’s discount! Hey! Guess what, fellas! I’m not a virgin anymore! Hey, Sid! Are there any leftovers for me, huh? I could sign over my social security check! Sid, Sid, what were you doing in there? I know you’re about to become my son, Dave, but don’t you think you’re a little old for that talk? Sid, you’re getting married, I mean, even Albert knows it, and he can’t remember his last name! I ain’t married yet! When I am, I’m a one woman guy! Tonight I’m a wild man! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go home.
I’m exhausted.
Oh, man… I can’t let Betty marry this guy! I gotta tell her about this, but if I do, there goes my dream trip to the Carribean… but do I really have a choice? Eh! Don’t mind if I do! I guess I really did have a choice! This blows! I can’t believe I have to fly courtful while you guys are up here in the first class! Oh, you know, Sid booked the tickets, okay, I mean, he’s old, you know, he didn’t know how many grandchildren there are.
Hey, is it my fault if you don’t make an impression on people? This isn’t fair, it’s crowded and smelly back there! Aw, well, you know, things aren’t rosy up here, either.
You know, I ordered the flame mignon, but they were out, so now I’ll have to get some lobster tail.
- So, were you born in New-York? - I don’t wanna have sex with you! - What? - I’m a virgin! Slow down, will ya? I don’t… I’ve never been with another guy in a house all alone before, okay? - Kenny, just relax! - Hey, I’m bad at being gay, I think I’m allowed to be a little upset! I’ve never been in this situation either, okay, this is all new to me, too! Really? Trust me.
All of it is new to me.
So, you don’t want to start having crazy sex right this second? Um, no.
Not really.
Is this a great date or what? Yeah, I just can’t get over the fact that I was the last girl that Dylan went out with! Well, it’s not like you turn everyone you go out with gay, it’s just been… a few.
A few? Who else? Well, this Paul.
Paul? Paul’s gay now? Paul? I thought you knew… Paul’s actually into girls, I’m just torturing her.
Take me, if you’re afraid of flying, you’ve got to find ways to distract yourself.
Ow, what was that for? Look at them, how sweet he’s being to her! I can’t even get you to say “I love you” on the beach! Why can’t you be more like Sid? Please, maybe Sid isn’t the sweet perfect guy that she thinks he is, okay? - What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing, okay? Nothing.
Let’s just forget it.
You know what? I think you’re just jealous ‘cause Sid makes you look bad.
- Is that what you think? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you want me to be more like Sid? - Yes.
- You want me to be more like Sid? - Yes, I do.
Okay, how about I go find that stewardess and I give it to her right on top of the beverage cart? - How about that, huh? - What? Yeah, because that’s what your step-daddy-to-be did.
Okay? He did it with the stripper at his bachelor party, okay? - No, he didn’t.
- Yes, he did.
- That’s not true.
Vicky! Yes, he did, okay? Yes, he did.
What? Dave, that is horrible! My Mom’s gonna marry that man! Wait a minute, why did you wait until just now to tell me this? Because I wanted to go to St.
Martin.
What’s more important, my mother’s happiness or a free trip to the Carribean? Vicky, I know what answer you’re hoping to hear, but we both know which one’s gonna come out of my mouth.
- So, what do you feel like doing? - How about a movie? I ran into “Funny girl” and “All about Eve”.
Hmm.
Those sound kind of… gay.
Yeah, they do, don’t they? - I like “Lord of the Rings”.
- I love “Lord of the Rings”! They have the best battle sequences ever filmed! Oh my God, that’s exactly what Larry said! I think Viggo Morgencen was born to play the part of Aragorn.
Larry says that too! Oh, yeah? Well, does Larry say that you have the most soulful eyes he’s ever seen? Hey, Sid! How are you? Listen, I got the most unbelievable wedding present for you! Really? You don’t have to do that, Dave! But tell me what it is, I’m very excited! Okay, here it is.
My wedding present to you is an honest and loving relationship with Betty! But I already have an honest and loving relationship with Betty! Do you, Sid? Do you, really? Because I think that little thing that you did at your bachelor party with that stripper is eating away you as we speak.
No, no, I’m fine.
I gloved up.
You know, Sid, you feel guilty, okay? You feel really guilty, okay, so just tell Betty what you did, and after that you’re gonna feel fantastic! Believe me, I know, because after I told Vicky, I felt terrific.
You told Vicky? Why would you do that to me, Dave? Well, you know, she kept going on and on about how romantic you are, and frankly, I couldn’t compete with you on your level, so I had to tear you down to mine.
Dave, why would I upset Betty like that, she doesn’t need to know! I’m old school.
I thought you were too! Yeah, well, apparently, we must have gone to different old schools, because in my old school you don’t cheat on your own lady.
Well, that’s a high faluting attitude coming from man who just last night had is face between two big melons going sky Alright, well, first of all, I was looking for my keys! Alright? And I didn’t have sex with anyone, look, just tell her what happened, alright? Because if you don’t, Sid, I’m telling you, you are not gonna be able to live with yourself! Yes, I will.
No, you won’t.
Okay? Larry, what the hell are you doing up here? It’s awful back there! Larry, another word out of you, okay, and next time this family goes on a trip, I’m gonna leave you in a kennel.
Betty! Hey, listen, Sid’s got something really, really important to tell you.
Sid, go ahead, tell Betty! Come on, Sid, go ahead, tell her.
Sid? Sid? Sid?! You see? I was right! Poor bastard couldn’t live with the guilt! I just can’t believe he’s gone! You know the last thing I said to him? - “You don’t look so good”? - No.
“As soon as we get to the hotel, I’m trimming your nose hair!” Sure, Sid knew how much you loved him.
I know, but you can never say it enough, Vicky.
And now he’s gone, I can never say it again.
I can’t believe Dave’s gone! Do you know the last thing he said to me before he died? “Eh!” Is there anyone else who would like to say something about Sid? - I would.
- You would? Yeah, I would.
Uh, Sid taught me something before he died.
You’re never too old to have sex with a stripper.
You’re never too old to fall in love.
Or too young.
You know, Sid… he was appreciative of his life.
He loved his friends, he loved traveling, he loved meat.
But he didn’t love those things a tenth of as much as he loved Betty.
And he wasn’t afraid to express it.
This isn’t easy for me ‘cause it’s not my style, but, uh, I wanted to say it for all you people, to my wife Vicky, that I love you.
More than you’ll ever know.
And I want you to know that I know that I’m lucky to be able to love you.
And, uh, that’s it, so I want to invite everybody back to my house to enjoy some cornbeaf and some brisket, alright, because Sid would want it that way.
Thank you, everyone, and directions to Dave and Vicky’s are available in the back.
Now that was a romantic gesture.
That means we don’t have to do this, uh, you know, silly “renewing the vows” thing? Dave, I know the answer you’re hoping for, but I think we both know which one’s coming out of my mouth.
My, you know what, but if we do that, I’m gonna do this… Stop it! Well, I didn’t know Sid very long, and I certainly didn’t get a chance to talk to him much on the plane… I still fell like he was a part of the family, and I’m sure he’ll be missed by all of us.
This is the worst bachelor party ever! Albert, this isn’t Sid’s bachelor party, it’s his memorial.
Right! When does the stripper get here? - She was here already.
- Damn it! Did I enjoy it? Yeah, you had a great time, in fact, you had sex with her.
Wow, yeah, I still got it! We gonna play cards or not? And where the hell is Sid? That guy would be late to his own funeral!