The War at Home s02e18 Episode Script

Take This Job and Bleep It

Look at them.
They’re in the exact same position we left them in two hours ago.
It’s like you and I in college, except for we had an excuse.
We were baked.
- Did you guys hear us honking? - Yeah, we heard you.
Well, we needed help with the bags, why didn’t you come? That question sort of answers itself, doesn’t it? Larry, did you study your DMV booklet so you can finally get your learner’s permit? ‘Cause I’m sick and tired of driving your ass around anywhere.
For your information, I did study it.
- Did you? - Yes, I did.
- Did you? - No, I did not.
I have never seen a kid less excited about getting a driver’s license! What is wrong with you? This is party training all over again.
Yeah, Larry, what do you wanna be, 30 years old and driving around on that stupid bike with the tassels? "Hey! Hey there! Nice Lexus 3! Yeah, nice banana seat, Larry!” What about you? Did you clean that pigsty of a room yet? Eh, morning kinda got away from me.
What about the afternoon? I thought we had an agreement.
Is it my fault there’s a marathon of celebrity fancamp on? Can you believe these kids? I say, your sperm and my eggs, it’s a powerful combination.
It certainly defeated every form of birth control we tried.
And finally, in light of diminishing profits and increased overhead, we’ll be reducing the commission schedule by 3 percent.
Oh, wait a minute, what are you saying, I’m gonna be making less money? Not if you bring in more clients.
Oh my God! I’m gonna be making less money! Oh, God.
I can’t believe this.
Can you believe that guy? God, the way they treat us at this company, like we’re rats running through a maze, looking for a piece of cheese.
Hey, where’s the bagels? Mr.
Park said it was an unneccesary expense.
I don’t know about you two, but I’m sick and tired of working for that douchebag.
Man, when’s it gonna be my turn to be the boss, and then people call me the douchebag? Apparently a lot of people around here already think you’re the boss.
We should start our own insurance agency.
Well, can’t you picture it? Gold, Miller and… - your last name, right, Donna? - Shleibweiler! "Gold and associates" it is! Come on! Can’t you see it? The three of us building our own dream and making our own rules, drinking at lunch and not having to hide it? Come on, we can do this, what do you think? Wow, our own business, it does sound good.
And it would be nice to bring my cats to work.
One question, will there be bagels? Absolutely not, it’s a frivolous expense! - Douchebag.
- Thanks, Joe.
I Just got my 7th rejection letter from Shorthills College.
I can’t believe it! When I asked my guidance council what I’d need to get in, he said postage.
- I’m pathetic.
- Hillary, you’re overreacting.
Do you know anyone who got rejected from Shorthills College? God, no.
Well, you know that song: “Everyone on the Shortbutts can always go to Shorthills.
” Kids can be so cruel.
I’m a total loser.
No wonder nobody wants me.
You know, college isn’t your only option.
I’m a loser too! Vicky, I got big news! So do I.
Do you know where the gravy boat was? In your son’s room, which by the way he still has not cleaned.
Sweetie, I don’t care about the gravy boat! Forget the gravy boat! I’ll get you a new gravy boat! In fact, I’ll get you an actual boat which we could fill with gravy.
And I’ll buy you a mansion, and if you want, we could put gravy in that.
In fact, I’ll buy you whatever you want, and I’ll buy you whatever-ever-ever you need, I’ll buy… I’ll buy whatever floats your boat! - Have you been doing blow? - No.
No, for your information, sweetie, you’re looking at the new president of “Gold and associates” insurance.
That’s right.
That’s right, I’m starting my own company.
That’s great, I’m so proud of you! - So who are the associates? - Joe and Donna, but I’m the visionary.
They’re just my flying monkeys.
That’s why I was late, sweetie, we were going over the “Gold and associates” business plan.
We even came up with our own slogan.
You ready? “Gold and associates.
We make accidents fun.
” - That’s pretty snazzy, huh? - This is great.
This is all I ever wanted for you – to see you happy and fullfilled.
Yeah, that’s all I ever wanted for myself too, sweetie, but the extra money doesn’t hurt either, right? No-no-no-no, this is about you living up to your potential.
Hey, come on, Dave, it’s my turn to steer! Sorry, muffin! I don’t care about the money.
So, how did Mr.
Park take the news? Well, we’re not telling him yet, we’re waiting to finalize our business plans.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
- Yeah, and besides we, uh, haven’t filled out an application for a second mortgage yet.
Yeah, of course, wh- a second what now? Look, look, I now it’s risky, sweetie, okay, but Joe and Donna are making investments too.
Look, look, if we’re gonna do this right, you know, we’re gonna need seed money to get the company started you know, for office leases, computers, printing, that sort of thing.
Seed money.
OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
What? Nothing, no, I’m thrilled and very excited.
It’s funny ‘cause you’re saying support of things but the, uh, look in your eyes and the wine dribbling down your chin makes me think otherwise.
Honey, don’t be ridiculous, I support you 1000 percent, I’m just seeing a whole new future for us.
Hey, Dave, it’s my turn to steer.
- Hey, did you study for your permit test yet? - Yes.
Good, so you won’t mind if I quiz you, right? Uh, you don’t have to do that, you’re busy.
Oh, now I’m definetely quizzing you.
Where’s that booklet thing? Here we go.
All right.
When, uh… driving in heavy fog, do you keep your headlights on, headlights off, or headlights on low-beam? Well, obviously I wouldn’t be driving in heavy fog because that’s when werewolves are most likely to be out and about.
What the hell are you talking ab… what are you… what… no! weirdo… low-b… what’s the matter with you, man? You didn’t study, did you? Don’t you have a company to start? Yes, I do, and hopefully it will be more succesful than the family I started.
Take your test today, okay? - Morning! - Hey, you’re in good mood! Yah, well, that’s because I finally figured out what I’m doing with my life.
- OK, you ready? - Yeah, what are you gonna do? I am joining… the Army! - Well good luck with that! - Dave! Oh! Am I supposed to take this seriously? Huh? Honey, I forbid you to join the Army.
Do not do that.
Your mother and I want you to be an astronaut.
You know… this just makes so much more sense to me than going to college right now! Did you know that I have five signs of a classic late bloomer? What’s that? Season every subject? Yes! Plus, you know, I am a drifter and a dreamer who just needs structure and discipline! Oh, where is this coming from? Have you been talking to a recruiter? OK, first off, Cal is more like a friend.
And he said that the Army could really help me turn my life around, plus they’ll help pay for college! And they’ll teach me new skills! Yeah, well, is Cal aware of the fact that you don’t have any old skills? What’s your problem? What is so wrong about giving back to my country? God, you… traitors! Hey, why don’t you go shave your head, G.
Jane? Look who finally showed up for work! At least you beat the UPS afternoon delivery guy.
I’m sorry, you know, things got a little crazy at the house, you know how things are with kids.
I do not.
God did not bless Mrs.
Park with a fruitful womb.
Well, I have three of them at home, you’re not missing anything.
Hey, look, I promise I won’t take a long lunch today, okay? That’ll be your first.
Heh, hey, why don’t I just reconsider the bagels and get rid of you, Dave? They cost less money and at least they’re here first thing in the morning.
OK, okay, he’s a jerk, alright, but it’s just not worth it.
You now, for once, I’m taking the high road.
Alright, that’s it! You know what? Why don’t you just kiss my ass, you miserable uptight douchebag! I quit! OK? I’m sick and tired of taking your crap! You walk around here like you own the place! Yeah, maybe you do own the place, but that’s not the point! OK, the point is, there is a thing called respect, courtesy, and providing a decent free breakfast! Oh, and by the way, your barren wife asked me to give you something… oh, where is it… oh, here it is! F**k you! Well thanks, Dave, and good luck to you! - Dave? - What, did you hear all that? Not all of it.
What was that thing his barren wife asked you to give him? Never mind that.
God, that felt good.
That felt really good! You know, you guys should go there and quit right now, we could just move up the timetable.
Yeah, about that, - I’m sorry, but I’m out! - What? What happened, Donna? My astrologer has a bad feeling about this! Look, if I were a forego, we woudn’t even be having this conversation! Good luck with everything! Fine! Fine! I say, good riddance to bad news! Man, who needs her? She’s so chipper, and happy, and supportive.
Man, who wants that in a brand new company? You know, now we just have to change the name, we just change the name, we change it to “Gold and associate”.
Yeah, I’m sorry, but I’m out too.
I spoke to my wife.
What? What, did she say it’s a pipe dream and it’s never gonna work, is that what she’s saying? No-no, she was very supportive.
Until I told her you were involved.
- I’m sorry, buddy.
- Oh, don’t buddy me, okay? You know what, you’re just doing me a favor! Fine! If you’ll excuse me, I have to go to my office, steal my files, and I’m outta here! Or maybe I’m outta here right now.
If he struggles, use the tazer.
Hell! Use it anyway.
- So, how was work? - Fantastic! Great day for the new company.
In fact, sweetie, I figured out the way to triple my profit margin.
- That’s great, how? - I fired Joe and Donna.
Wait, wait, how does that triple you profit margin? I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m not an accountant, okay, I’m an idea man, some might even say a visionary.
Some might also say you’re full of crap.
- They bailed on you, didn’t they? - No, it’s called spin, Vicky.
Anyway, starting tomorrow, I’m gonna be working right out of the house to keep cost down during the startup phase.
The “Gold” company.
How can we take care of all your insurance needs today? Please hold.
Hillary! Wait, wait, wait, wait, starting tomorrow? - I mean, what’s the rush? - Sweetie, this is crazy, I actually forgot to tell you the funniest part of the whole story… Oh, let me guess.
You quit your job? No, I voluntarily terminated my employment.
OK, yes, I quit my job.
- Well go get it back.
- That’s not gonna happen, okay, and when you’ll see the tazer scar on my shoulder you’ll understand why.
And besides, sweetie, I don’t wanna go backwards, you know, I wanna go forwards, you know? Come on, I thought you supported me 1000 percent! I did, back when the flying monkeys were with you, - but now… - What? What, sweetie? I don’t get it.
You know, I thought you were just afraid, you know, afraid of the unknown, afraid of possibly losing the house, afraid of making the investment, but that’s not the problem, is it? You don’t believe in me! What the hell are you doing in here? You’re supposed to follow me in there and tell me how much you believe in me! Oh my God, you… you really don’t believe in me? Oh my God, you really, really don’t believe in me! You know, when I said that I thought you didn’t believe in me I thought you really did believe in me, but now I see that you really, you really don’t believe in me! Yes… I do.
Oh, please, don’t bother, okay, I don’t need your pity belief, okay, because I believe in me, alright, I believe in me enough for both of us.
And let me tell you something: there is no “I” in team, even if the team is just “I”.
And remember, okay, without any risk there’s no reward! Yeah, sure, things just got riskier, but that just means they’re gonna be… rewardier.
And by the way, you’re no longer invited to the company picnic! Oh, you came to visit your Dad at work? That’s nice, sweetie, what are you doing? I’m just filling out my application to drop off at the recruiting center.
- Oh, sweetie, you’re still on that? - Yes.
Look, I understand what’s going on here, you’re just feeling bad about yourself because you got rejected by Shorthills.
Heh, you know, when I was in high school, we used to sing a song about that place, “everyone on the Shortbutts can always go to Shorthills…” Yes, I’m… familiar with this song.
Look, I just think this is the right thing for me to do right now.
Hillary, I’m not letting you join the Army, you understand? Well guess what! I am almost you won’t be able to order me around anymore, no one will! Not you, not Mom, not anybody! You seem to have a firm grasp of what army life is gonna be like! - Hey, uh, how did you do in your permit test? - I got an A minus.
What? They don’t give you letter grades! What is your problem, Larry? I don’t understand this! Every kid in the world wants to drive, what is the problem? - I’m scared, okay? - Sca Please don’t tell me this is about werewolves again? No, no, it’s just… I don’t know, you know, first I’m gonna get my permit and then my license, and then next thing you know I’m gonna be graduating from high school and going to some college! I don’t even know how to use a washing machine! It’s just happening so fast! I’m still getting used to having hair down there.
OK, look, Larry, I get it.
Step into my office.
Have a seat.
Look, I know what it’s like to be scared okay, you know, I was terrified when I first started my own business, but now look at me! Didn’t you just start, like, an hour ago? Well , technically, it was 45 minutes ago, I was a little late, but that’s not the point.
The point is, Larry, you cannot be scared of life, okay, because it’s gonna happen anyway! Alright? And these things that you’re scared of now, I’m telling you, one day you’re gonna look back on them and I’m telling you, you’re gonna smile about it! You mean like when you were in college and you heard that Mom was pregnant? Yeah… Yeah… that was a good memory.
But come on man, what are you saying, you could do this driving thing, just step up to the plate! Well, okay, I guess I’ll get my driving permit, - thanks, Dad.
- Not a problem.
Hey, maybe this weekend you can take me practice driving? No way.
I ain’t getting in the car with you behind the wheel.
And get outta here, okay, I don’t wanna get no trouble with my new boss.
I heard he’s a real hardass.
Yeah, that’s right, Norm.
Yep, I’m not with “Lateful Insurance” anymore.
Started my own company.
Technically it’s just me.
Yeah, I’m working right outta the house.
Hello? Norm? Hello? Yeah, well, hey, you’re never too young to think about life insurance.
OK, then just put you mommy on the phone.
De… de insuranco… de lifo.
I’m just saying, you never know when something bad can happen.
I mean, I could come over there and kill you.
Look, you don’t understand, I quit my job, I burned all my bridges, my wife does not believe in me, nobody believes in me… Look, I just have to sell one policy today, just one, okay? Please, I’m begging you.
Can you just call me back when you get the message, thanks.
What are you doing? I’m just… recovering from a massive panic attack.
And you’re panicking because… you’ve sold so many insurance policies, you don’t know what are you gonna do with all the money you made? Yeah, that’s right.
Vicky, it was one of those success panic attacks.
Oh… Oh my God, it’s… it’s starting up again, it’s falling inside my own body things.
OK, alright, okay, breathe, Dave, breathe.
No, I can’t I can't I can't do this I can't I can’t do this by myself.
You were right.
You were right, my father was right, every teacher who said I wasn’t living up to my potential, they were all right.
OK, so what I’m hearing is it wasn’t a good first day? I think I’m smelling toast.
Please, it was just one day, and that’s not enough to decide if you’re a success or a failure and don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, including me.
- OK, I feel better.
- Good, I’m gonna get you some water.
Please, don’t leave me! Oh my God, oh my God, I got into Bennington, I got into Bennington! I got into Bennington! Oh my God, you got into Bennington! You got into Bennington! Wait a minute, where the hell’s Bennington? It doesn’t matter, you got into Bennington! That’s great, sweetie, I’m so proud of you! Hey, I knew! I knew you could do it! So does this mean you’re gonna give up your plan of joining the Army? Oh,please, that was the stupidest idea I’ve ever had.
I don’t know why you guys didn’t try to talk me out of it.
Anyway, I’m gonna need to check for 8 grand to send a deposit before they change their mind… I gotta go call Brenda! I got into Bennington! I got into Bennington! That’s great! 8 thousand dollars… wow.
That’s just the deposit, what are we gonna do? It’s starting again, sweetie, it’s like that acid trip we took in college, except there’s no pretty colors and there’s no feeling groovy part.
Sir, we really need to talk… Whoa! Hello, Mr.
And hello, Not-Mrs.
Wow, it must be super-casual Friday.
Hello, Dave, Hey, I hear you started your own company.
How’s that going? Actually, you know, I’ve been thinking it over and, you know, I decided I wanna come back to work here.
And I’m assuming you’re not gonna have a problem with that, right, Mr.
Park? And you will neither, Not-Mrs.
Park? Good to have you back, Dave.
Hey, you seen my new cellphone? Check it out, it has all new features.