The War at Home s02e19 Episode Script

The White Shadow

Hey, Mom, Dad, you guys aren’t gonna believe this.
You got a date? Ha-ha, that one never gets old.
Anyway, you know how lately I’ve been trying to make music and I’ve been posting on YourTunes website? Yeah-yeah, if we make the story any shorter, let’s just say, I do.
Yeah, well… this music executive for a record company in the city heard my songs and sent me an email saying he’s interested and he wants to have a meeting with me.
Isn’t that cool? My God, that’s so exciting.
Isn’t it, Dave? You thought our three kids are failures.
Now only two of them are.
Argh.
.
let’s take a second and review, ok? A total stranger from online sent you an email that he’s interested in you? Did he also tell you that he wants to meet you in a deserted warehouse, if you wear a pink thong? Just because I made a mistake going in the mall one time… you know, isn’t it at all possible that he’s interested in me, because I’m a talented musician and song writer? No.
Well, for your information, I’m having a meeting with him, tomorrow after school and I’m going, whether you like it or not.
You know what? I will call tomorrow and find out if it’s legitimate and if it is, I will take him to the city myself, because unlike you, I think it’s important to encourage our kids.
Even if it doesn’t sound legitimate, I’ll take him anyway, I just really don’t wanna go to work tomorrow.
I hope you’re not gonna flirt too much when you go on a visit Queens this weekend.
Well, you just have to give me some to keep my mind off others and the girls.
Bye.
I love you.
Oh, God, why did I say that to him… It just slipped out.
Maybe he didn’t hear it.
- What did you say? - I love you? Idiot! I love you too.
I knew he loved me.
Damn it.
I don’t get it.
No matter how much I eat, or how much I lift, I don’t get any bigger.
Yeah, that’s hard.
I mean I know you look at me and you think I just naturally had this perfect body.
- That’s a struggle for me too.
- I don’t know what to do.
I mean, what if I never get any bigger? I think I know what the problem is.
Do you… you know… a lot? Do I what a lot? Make sweet love to yourself? No.
Well, let’s assume hypothetically that I do… check myself for injuries from time to time.
What’s your point? Well, when you do that, you’re using up all the male hormones to need make yourself grow.
- Really? - Totally.
Bottom line – if you wanna get any bigger, don’t put the lotion in motion.
There he is.
You guys are back from the city? What took you so long? Were you shooting your music video today? Or you’re doing ladderman? They offered me a record deal.
Heh, what kind of a deal? Ten CDs for a penny? No, honey, it’s true.
They love his music and they say there’s a real market for it.
They want him to make a demo.
I gotta go call my sister.
This is gonna make your cousin Brian’s National Merit scholarship look like the big nothing it is.
What do you say, you’re serious? Yes, and if they like the demo, they’re gonna release the CD.
They gave me a deal memo, got a hand trying crap all over that.
Oh, wow, this is… this is incredible, man.
This is great.
Yeah, I gotta admit, you know, I… I was wrong and you were right.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I’m not surprised, the music’s in you blood, you know, where you get talent from, right? Me.
That’s right, yeah.
I never told you this before, but when I was your age, I was the original white rapper.
That’s right, back in the days I was cold chillin’ never illin’.
Used to call myself The White Shadow”.
.
What? I even had some radio play with my first single, Say it Loud, I’m white and I’m Proud”.
.
On what radio station? WKKK? No, no on my high school station, it was a number one request for 5 periods in a row.
What? How come you didn’t pursue it? Well, I had the talent to go all the way, not to mention a kick-ass flat-top jewfro.
But my father used to tell me how ridiculous and moronic it was.
You have no idea what’s it like to have an unsupportive father like that.
I’m sure it could cause some real damage.
No, you have no idea, freak show.
No idea.
What the hell are you so happy about? Taye said that he loves me.
I mean, can you believe it, I actually tricked someone into loving me.
Do you know what a huge accomplishment this is? No, but I’m sure your father does.
We’re happy for you and Taye.
I hate to burst to bubble your hot stuff, ok, but when a 17-year old guy says, I love you”,, - it never means I love you”.
.
- Ah, here we go.
Let us read from the boy to naive girl dictionary.
I love you” what a young man says to a young woman when he wants to get into her pants.
See also: Hello”,, “WWhat’s your name” and Excuse me, miss, do you know what time it is?” Ok, you know what? You don’t know what you’re talking about, all right? God, I hate you.
Did you hear that? She hates me.
I cannot believe, I actually got someone to hate me, do you know what an accomplishment that is? - Good morning.
- Oh, yeah? What’s so good about it? What’s wrong with you? You try abstaining for two days and see how your feel.
Plus I hate giving up one of the few things that I am really good at.
We’re out of peanut butter.
Do you ever go shopping? Yeah, Mike, the only thing standing in the way of you looking like The Rock is peanut butter.
Hey, there he is, Larry J.
Blige.
So how’s it going so far, what have you got? Come on, lay it on me, hit me with your rhythm stick, huh, I could give you my good ear.
It’s not finished yet.
But here you go.
All right.
I like that.
That’s not bad.
But where’s the lyrics? There’re aren’t any lyrics.
It’s instrumental.
That’s what the Larry Gold experience all about.
Ah.
Can I offer my humble opinion? You know, - artist to artist? - If you feel you must.
You know, people like songs that they could sing.
And you can’t sing a song if it has no words, I mean, sure, yeah, you could whistle to it, but, who’s gonna tune in to see so you think you could whistle? Well, I would.
I just You got a great opportunity here, Larry.
And I just wanna see you make the most of it.
You know what I mean? So, I tell you what, I’m gonna help you write some lyrics.
You know, that was always the White Shadow strength.
All that, in the way I popped and locked.
What? Well, that’s really generous of you, but you’re so busy, well, with work and your hectic TV watching schedule.
Oh, no, don’t you worry about that, alright? ‘Cos from now on you’ve got my undivided attention.
Oh, that’s a good look for a song… undivided… no… no… divided attention.
Lyrics.
White Shadow back in the heezy… Can you believe my Dad thought Taye said he loved me only to get me in bed? I know, he’s so totally wrong to think that.
Yeah.
I mean, unless he’s right.
Ok, what are you trying to say? Well, I kind of heard a rumor that Taye kind of told someone else he kind of loved her to get her to sleep with him.
Kind of.
Well, who was it? I mean, was it that slut Shauna? That slut Andrea? Actually, it was that slut me.
Wait, ok, so… and Taye told you he loved you? To try to get you to sleep with him? You didn’t, right? Okay.
Oh my God.
You slept with Taye.
Just once.
But you guys were broken up.
If it makes you feel any better I didn't sleep with him because he said he loved me.
I slept with him, well… because I'm a slut! Hey, look, I found my old notebook with all my old rhymes in it.
You held on to that, and yet you threw away any picture of me before the age of ten.
I was doing you a favor.
You were not a photogenic child.
Anyway, I think some of these White Shadow lyrics will really go with that new song you’re working on.
Go ahead, play me in.
- I was right in the middle of… - Come on man, play me a beat like a float, come on, man, give me something.
Yeah.
Here you go.
* In the whole way, always grabbing booties, * only clean ones, don’t want to catch the cooties, * yo, never moonwalk, and yo, that ain’t my action, Cuzbo * and Redgy are my favourite Jacksons, * yeah, I’m the real deal, and I ain’t no phony, * check the pocket on my jacket, it says “members only", * do up the Long Island, down South New York, * I’m out of practicing jew, but I don’t eat pork, * check it, check it, * White Shadow rocking on the microphone, * and if you got bad breath, call your mommy phone! Dad! Dad! - Dad! - What? What, man? What? Hang up! What’s the matter, man? - It’s all over the place! - No, no! This is good stuff, man! Well, if anything, it’s at least a little outdated, don’t you think? Yeah, yeah, I mean, I gotta freshen it up a little, - obviously! - Like how? Uh, “I’m a kick-ass bummer, I’m more wanted than Osama?” Ooh, kick-ass b… I’m a… and if we don’t catch you, we’re gonna catch your mama, what? I like that, that’s like political Public enemy, Esq.
See, you and me working together now, what rhythm we follow, this is gonna be ill, this is gonna be dow, this is gonna be… ba-ba-bananas.
This drives me crazy.
You know what? He was a lot easier to live with, when he was not doing that stupid mime crap.
I hate this house.
Ok, I’m worried about Mike.
In fact, I've been doing some research on the internet Ugh, here we go.
- No, I think he's on steroids.
- Steroids? Either that, or he and I are on the same cycle.
Think about it? The obsession with weight-lifting and the anger.
It's called 'roid rage.
Please, Vicky, Vicky, he's not on the juice, okay? And if he is, he should get his money back, because it sure as hell ain't working.
Well, how do you explain all the screaming and him acting like a maniac? I don't know.
What's my excuse? I ask God that every night.
When he gets back to me, I'll get back to you.
- What’s wrong with you? - I broke up with Taye.
You were right, I hope you’re happy.
I’m really glad you’re here, because I just needed to get this all out.
Brenda slept with Taye.
She’s such a slut.
Hey.
Did you finish the final tracks for the song? You know, we have to send the demo in today.
Oh, I sent that in already.
What? And you didn’t even play it for me? Come on, man, let me hear that funkalicious sound.
I would but it’s bad luck to listen to a demo while you’re waiting to hear back from the record company.
Kurt Cobain did that and he blew his brains out.
Yeah, well, I’m willing to take that chance with you.
Come on, man, play me the song, let me hear it.
Oh, okay… What’s going on? All I’m hearing is the funk, where’s delicious? I didn’t use your lyrics.
What? What are you talking about, I don’t understand.
I liked it better this way and I wanted to succeed in filling my own, you know? I’m sorry.
- Please say something.
- Oh, now you want my input? Fine, let me tell you something, you’ve just made the biggest mistake in our life.
You had a great opportunity, but you just threw it away.
Do you realize how lucky you are that I was even willing to work with you? I mean, do you think my father would have done that for me? No.
because he was too busy putting me down.
Let me tell you something: loser! Without my lyrics your song’s … quack! White Shadow, out! Tila Tequila? What are you doing here? You’re like the most popular girl on Myspace.
Yes and now you are about to become the most popular guy in my space.
No, I can’t… put… the lotion… in… motion! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Alright, that’s it.
We have to do something.
- Come on.
Come and talk to him with me.
- Why can’t you do it alone? Because! I was the one who already explained to Hillary why she’s gonna be cranky once a month for the next 40 years.
It’s time to be cherry.
Steroids? I’m not taking steroids, they’re totally dangerous and totally illegal.
Besides, I heard they give you boobs.
I’m not that desperate to cup of ill.
- Then what the hell is going on with you? - Yeah? If it’s not steroids, what is it? If you must know, I wanna put on some weight, so I’ve been obstaining from sex.
Obstaining from sex with who? Well, that explains a lot.
Okay, I get it, but what would make you think that that won’t get to bulk up? It’s a well-known fact.
You know, if you wanna get bigger, don’t put the lotion in motion.
I’ve heard of the going blind thing and the hairy palm thing, but this is new.
Right? - Vicky, may I? - Please… Look, Mike, I don’t know a lot, but I know that’s not true, ok? Because if it was, I would have graduated from high school the size of a garden gnome.
On the drive home I tried to put my feelings about this whole Larry ordeal into a new rap song, but then I realized that nothing rhymes with “backstab” and “freakshow”.
Would you let that go? For your information, we got bad news from the record company today.
What happened? They’re not putting on Larry’s CD? Oh no, they want to.
They just expect us to pay - What? - It turns out that it’s a scam.
You know, they expect you to pay all this money to burn CDs of your own music - and then nothing ever happens.
- So I was right.
I knew no one would be interested in Larry’s music.
Don’t you mean, “Oh gosh, that’s too bad, Larry’s gong to be crushed.
” No, no, he scammed me, they scammed him, that’s called street justice.
Which, by the way, was a flip side of say it loud, “I’m white and I’m proud.
” I just don’t know how we’re gonna tell him.
Tell who what? Did we hear back from the record company? They hated it.
You were right, my song sucked.
Hey, come on.
What do you want me to say? The music business isn’t fair.
If it was, I’d have 25 gold records on my wall instead of one “Salesman of the month” plank.
The point is, you know, it’s a cut-throat business.
I mean, you gotta have a special talent, a gift.
I mean, only one in a million people ever even gets a CD made and you… you are gonna be one of them.
- What? - What? That’s right.
They’re putting on your CD.
- Really? I can’t believe it! - Neither can I! Oh, my God, that’s fantastic! All right.
- I’m gonna tell Kenny! - All right.
Why did you tell him that? Don’t you think he’s gonna notice when there are never any CDs? No, no, he’s not gonna notice, because he is getting a CD made.
- I’m sending in the money.
- What? You’re gonna pay some rip-off artist - why? - Because, he is my kid, all right? And my father would have never done that for me.
Maybe that’s why the White Shadow was so angry? Word.
Hillary! Come on, just see me out, - please.
- Come on, Taye, take a hike, alright? - She don’t wanna talk to you anymore.
- Come on, pops, you gotta help.
I gotta get her back.
I love her.
I’m in pain.
What do you want me to do about it, huh? I wrote a song for Hillary to apologize, - but she won’t listen.
- Oh, yeah? You know, I’m kind of a song writer myself, you know, I had some underground success with a single, “say it loud, I’m white and I’m …” Ah, never mind.
Let’s see, if this is a kind of thing that would work.
Oh, my God, if she hears this, she’ll never talk to him again.
It’s like a relationship suicide note.
This is tight, I like this.
This is good, it’s very emotional.
I’m actually kinda moved.
You know, I think you should sing it to her, sing it as loud as you can, you know, let her know how you feel.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah, express yourself.
- You’re right.
- Go ahead, man.
* Now, I've been with other girls, but none like you; * lost count, could be 10 or 102.
* But it's you that I love, girl, forget the rest; * even though they might have bigger breasts.
* Now you're a pain in the ass, but that don't scare me a bit; * because I'm all over you like flies on s***.
Wow, I've never seen someone bury themself alive before.
It's freaking awesome! Sorry, man, you tried, right? Taye, that was the most beautiful song I ever heard.
- What? - I forgive you.
I love you so much.
- What? - I love you too, baby.
* Okay, I gots to say, I didn’t see that coming, * now gonna stay and watch Taye give my daughter his loving, so with no delay I’m on my way to stick my head in the oven.
White Shadow.
Out.