The War at Home s02e20 Episode Script

The War of the Golds

Oh, my God, that car came out of nowhere.
Five more inches to the right, and we all would have been killed.
Yeah.
Or worse What's worse than being killed? Oh, your face could have been horribly disfigured, and I would have had to spend the rest of my life with people whispering behind my back, "Eh, what's the looker doing with that monster?" Well, you know, eventually, you get used to it.
Oh, but seriously, honey, this was a real wake-up call.
Tell me about it.
You know, we need to start making some plans.
I totally agree! Yeah, during the accident, my entire life flashed before my eyes, and frankly, I was bored.
So I think we need to start taking on a "screw-it" attitude, you know? Start charging up the credit cards a little bit, maybe me and you take a fancy trip, eat some more red meat.
Ooh, and you know what? I want to try Ecstasy.
We've been warning the kids about it for so long, it's got to be good, right? No, honey, what I meant was we need to make a will.
You really know how to take the fun out of almost being killed.
Dave, this is serious.
Look, I don't want to deal with this now, okay? Don't start with this.
Honey, come on.
You've been putting it off for almost 18 years.
We need to choose somebody who would have guardianship over the kids.
Look, I don't care that much about them now, all right? You think I'm going to care about them when I'm dead? Look, I'll tell you what.
You leave them to whoever you want.
All right, take your pick.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess we should just leave them to my mother.
What, are you nuts? Are you forgetting about the time we sent your mother to the park with Hillary and she came back with a little Korean boy? You know, it doesn't have to be a relative.
We could just use a close friend.
Oh, come on.
Now we got to make friends, too? Come on, this is too complicated.
Hey, guys, I just heard Mom and Dad talking about what would happen to us if they died.
I can't even think about that.
I can think about that.
I just don't think I should be alone tonight.
Would you, uh would you girls mind sleeping over? Again? Look, if anything ever happened to Mom and Dad, I promise I'll always look after you guys.
LARRY: Hillary, please let us out of here! MIKE: I'm so hungry! Mike, Larry, dinner! MIKE: I'll pay for food! (growling) You're right.
The most important thing would be that we stick together.
Hey, hey, hey, m-my key doesn't work.
Hello? Come o-- come on, guys, this isn't funny.
They sold the house and they didn't tell me, didn't they? VICKY: Here.
Try some Stilton on some Moroccan flat bread.
Ooh, is that caviar? (chuckling): Yes, it is.
It's very expensive.
I had to go to three stores to find it.
Yeah, but y-you guys, you guys are worth it, you know? Aw.
Isn't this nice? Adults talking to other adults like adults.
You know, Jeff, you and Mindy, y-you guys, you guys are our favorite couple.
You know that, right? Oh, my God, it's the wife-swapping conversation.
Had I known, I never would have come over.
Oh, my God, it's the wife-swapping conversation.
Had I known, I'd have done a little manscaping.
You're both so smart and funny.
Loving, really caring.
Mm.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, such a warm and open people, you know? (laughing): This is so awkward.
I don't know how to ask you this.
Yes, we'll swing with you.
DAVE: What? What? What? No.
No, weirdo.
I-I-I-I meant is that (laughs) if we die, would you guys, you know, be, be willing to take care of our kids? Oh, thank God.
I-I mean, not that you're not attractive people.
(laughs) Very attractive.
Anyway, if you would look after our kids, we would of course do the same for Heidi.
Yeah, and Mindy, if you're not too old to squeeze out another pup, you know, we'd also be willing to take care of that one, too.
Wow, you know, I-I'm just, uh, I'm blown away, really.
Uh, I'm overwhelmed by your offer, a-and we would be just thrilled and honored to do this with you.
Think, Mindy, think.
This can't happen.
Unfortunately, we already made the same arrangement with the Marksens.
Oh.
JEFF: Mm.
All right, well, in that case, good to see you both.
What are you talking about? What happened to dinner? What am I talking about? Why don't you call your friends the Marksens and see if they'll feed you? Gotta go.
Come on, get out of here.
No sex and no dinner? I could have done this at home.
Eh, whatever.
(door closes) Great, so now what are we going to do? Exactly what we agreed to do.
You're gonna leave me alone with this estate planning crap, all right? Oh, but honey, we just have to make these decisions before we meet with a lawyer.
Did you not hear me? I'm not going to any lawyer's office.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to scrape the rest of this caviar off of Jeff's cracker, put it back in the jar, and see if I can return this crap.
Hi, honey.
Who's this? Hi, I'm Jamie.
Nice to meet you, and, uh, whatever our kids did wrong, I'm sorry.
(laughing): No.
Actually, Jamie's our lawyer.
She's here to talk to us about our estate planning.
Uh, d-d-did you not hear me when I said I didn't want to talk to a lawyer? No, you said you didn't want to go to a lawyer's office, so I had her come here.
A-A-Are you kidding me? Hey.
She's here, we're paying her.
Can you just do this, please? Whatever.
Fine, fine, let's go.
Okay, so, um, uh, Vicky was saying that you guys want to name her sister Judy as guardian to the kids.
(laughing): I'm assuming she's aware of this.
Wh-Wh-What, are you insane? I-I-I'm not leaving, uh, my kids with your crazy, dysfunctional sister.
You think we should leave them with your crazy, dysfunctional brother? It's better than your whacked-out sister.
What? You know what? Why don't we move off the topic of guardianship and move on to a topic that's a little less uncomfortable.
Okay.
Comas.
Excuse me? A living will.
I mean, what would you want to happen if you found yourself in a persistent vegetative state? I would like to be brought out of it.
Well, I don't want to suffer at all.
Really, no heroic measures, just pull my plug right away.
Not me.
You keep those machines working overtime.
Okay, I don't care if it costs this family every penny it has.
You keep me going.
Even if there's no hope? Living without hope-- that's what I do, Vicky.
And let me tell you something.
If I do wind up in a coma, that doesn't excuse you from your wifely duties.
Well, he would be in a coma.
You could just have the nurse do it.
Works for me.
Me, too.
All right, so, so are we done? Uh, actually, if you really want to cover everything, we really should spend a few minutes talking about a post-nup.
W-W-Why would we need to talk about that? Well, a lot of couples are doing them.
You know, in the event that you two end up splitting up.
Oh you're just a bag of sunshine, ain't you, lady? No, we're not getting a divorce.
We're very happy.
And it shows.
You know, I didn't think I'd wind up getting divorced until I came home early one day and found my husband in my bra and panties.
Look, w-w-w-w-w-we really don't need to talk about that, okay? All I'm saying is, with you guys, there are children involved, and if you deal with this now, you're going to avoid a lot of ugliness later.
I have the worksheets here to divide up the assets.
I'm telling you this is just a waste of time.
Will you let the woman speak? We're paying for her opinion.
That's because y-you hired her behind my back.
Oh, maybe I should have just gone with your plan and taken Ecstasy.
Between you and me, I have a client who's serving ten years for beating his wife, and they got along better than these two.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on? Who's the, uh, surprise mystery guest you got planned for me tonight? Huh? Is Dr.
Miller waiting for me in the living room, ready to bend me over the couch to give me a surprise prostate exam? Look, I'm sorry I sprung that lawyer thing on you.
That was wrong.
But to make it up to you I bought your favorite beer.
Ooh, ooh, the one that looks like a little keg? Mm-hmm.
(laughs) Oh, thank you.
Yeah, let's just sit back and relax and have a nice peaceful evening.
Mm.
How about a back rub? Mm.
Ah.
Good.
Mm.
Ah, I feel like I'm in Germany, except without all the paranoia of being carted off into a train.
Mm.
Ah.
Wh-Wh-What are those? Oh, uh, the post-nup papers.
I-I-I-I-I thought we agreed that we don't need those anymore.
Wh-Wh-What are you doing with this? Oh, oh, oh, we totally don't need it.
But then I started thinking about Howard and Rachel's divorce.
Remember how ugly that got? No, no, but I remember how ugly she got.
Well, for your information, she looks fabulous now.
She had a total overhaul.
You remember how she had all butt and no boobs? Well, now she's all boobs and no butt.
You know how she could afford it? She got all of Howard's money.
Is that right? Mm-hmm.
W-Well, that's not fair.
I know.
I bet he wishes he had a post-nup.
All right, well, let's take a quick look at it.
Okay, if that's what you really want to do.
So, now, um, here I made a list of all of our assets.
All we have to do is talk about, you know, who might get what.
Like what? Like, I don't know, the good china.
You can have that.
Oh, thanks.
Okay, so then, maybe pick out something that you might like.
I'll take the house.
And where exactly might I be living? I don't know, but, I mean, at least you're going to be eating off some really nice plates, right? Why won't you take this seriously? Because this is ridiculous.
W-Why are we doing this? We're planning for a divorce that's never going to happen? Well, forgive me for wanting to protect this family, but if I didn't do stuff like this, who would? Not you.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, okay? I do a lot of things around here, some of which you are not even aware of, okay? I mean, who, who steals the neighbors' newspapers every morning? Me, that's who.
And who curses out all the telemarketers? Me, that's who.
And who got us TiVo? Me, again.
I spearheaded that operation, my friend.
You know, I thought, you know, having a post-nup would relieve tension, not create it.
No, no, no, don't be ridiculous.
That's just a fancy way for you to get me to do what you want.
Please.
That is not true! Oh, really? Yeah, you know, this whole relaxing pleasant evening was a lie, just like this beer was a lie, and your half-ass back rub was a lie.
You're just trying to manipulate me again.
That is not true! I would never do that! Oh, really? Say, what the heck was that lawyer doing in our house last night? Huh? Did you see her walking by the window and say, "Hey, lady come on in here, help me screw over my husband.
"? I had her come over here to make it easier for you.
You know what? I am taking the china! What? What are you talking about? I picked out the pattern.
I'm taking the damn china.
What are you talk? Stop acting like a two-year-old? Stop telling me what to do! No.
Give me those.
You're gonna break 'em.
Don't you touch the china, okay? I love this china.
Okay, this china is the only reason why I'm still here.
Don't touch.
So help me God, if anything happens to that china, you won't need Dr.
Miller, because I will take your golf clubs and use them to give you a prostate exam.
Don't you bring up the golf clubs, okay? Those golf clubs are like my children.
VICKY: Fine.
Take the china.
I am taking your signed Derek Jeter baseball.
Oh.
Yo, you touch my baseball, I'm telling you right now, your hair curlers are gonna be swimming in a warm stream of my pee-pee.
Can-can you believe all that yelling and screaming? What are we gonna do? That's the last time I'm using Mom's hair curlers.
What if Mom and Dad get divorced? Well, I guess there would be a fierce custody battle, and, uh, the loser would get you.
Hey.
Would you mind getting out of the way? Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Are you actually asking me to do something directly? Where's my phony back rub, huh? Or where's the shiny object to distract me while you ram your agenda down my throat? In this corner, Vicky "The Manipulator" Gold! (audience booing) And in this corner, Dave "Twenty-Four Karat" Gold.
(cheering) Oop! Hey! What the hell did you do that for? What? You said you wanted me to pull the plug, so I pulled the plug.
ANNOUNCER: And "Twenty-Four Karat" Gold comes out fighting with a nice body blow.
You actually heard something that I said.
Yeah.
It's amazing that you can hear anything with your head shoved so far up your ass.
ANNOUNCER: And The Manipulator counters with a devastating right hook.
You're selfish.
Yeah.
Really? Yeah? You're selfish with your time.
You're selfish with your money, and you know what? You're selfish in bed! ANNOUNCER: Ooh, hoo-hoo! She hit him below the belt.
This could be it.
Gold plummets, Gold plummets! He's not getting up! One, two, three, four For your information, I did make a mistake by marrying you so young, I am thinking of other women when we make love, and, yes, you do look fat in those pants! (gasps) ANNOUNCER: Eight! Nine! Ten! Winner, and still champion-- Dave "Twenty-Four Karat" Gold! DAVE: Yeah, and it's your teeth.
Your teeth are what's really the issue.
VICKY: Just stay on your side of the room.
There's nothing wrong with my teeth.
DAVE: The size of them, the smell of them VICKY: You know what? It's called deodorant.
Why don't you try it? Do you hear those two? They've been at each other the entire time you guys have been gone.
Oh, my God! This is awful.
I specifically said curly fries.
L-Let me tell you, it-it sounds like splitsville to me.
That's right, splitsville.
Larry, would you just stop, okay? They're not gonna get a divorce.
Oh Oh, yeah? Well, then, how do you explain this? I-I found it on the counter.
All right, easy, Nancy Drew, all right? Unless it has something to do with the case of the missing curly fries, I don't care.
It's a divorce agreement.
What?! Let me see that.
"Division of assets"? Wait.
They have assets? This isn't a joke.
No, no, he's right.
I can't believe this.
I mean, they're getting divorced.
How could this be happening? Wow.
It's sad, but, I mean, come on.
These days, practically everyone splits up at some point.
Yeah, but-but I thought Mom and Dad were happy.
HILLARY: Really? Douchebag and Skank never struck you as odd pet names? What's wrong with you two? We can't just allow this to happen.
But there's nothing that we can do.
Or-Or is there? Well, maybe we can Parent Trap them.
Like in the movie.
Ugh! Please! LARRY: No.
(stammering): It-It could work.
Really.
We'll just recreate their-their first date, and they'll realize how much they love each other, and they'll forget all about the divorce.
Or how about we concoct a love potion? That'll get them back together.
All we need is a lock of Dad's hair and a little unicorn pee.
(music playing) Huh.
Huh.
Oh, what do you think? Uh, you can make me a fancy cooked meal, and I'll forget about all the nasty things you said to me? Is that what you think? Ooh, is that garlic bread? I've been upstairs meditating.
I had to center myself and find my serenity.
I have no idea who made this meal, and for all I care, you can choke on it! Oh, yeah? Well, if you didn't make it, who did? (Italian accent): Ah, buon giĆ³rno.
Welcome to Luigi's.
I'm Luigi.
Have-have Have you hit your head? Uh, no.
You want me to hit your head? Uh, no.
Please sit down, signora.
Would you care for some wine this evening? Ha.
What am I thinking? Of course you would.
May I recommend the Chianti? It's, uh, the house wine, because it's the only wine in the house.
Uh, well, it must have been hidden, or your mother would have finished it by now.
Waiter, we're gonna need a high chair and a bib for the baby.
Ah, young love.
So full of passion.
Oh, my God.
You actually went through with this stupid idea? All right, all right, all right, Luigi, you got two seconds to tell me what the hell's going on here.
This is this is Larry's genius plan to recreate your first date to keep you guys from getting a divorce.
Yeah.
We told him it wouldn't save your marriage.
Yeah.
So, what was the final straw? Did you catch Dad cheating on you? Mom's drinking too much? You just couldn't take it anymore? (scoffs) Okay, she may drink, but it's only because he drove her to it.
This gorilla's impossible.
Oh, yeah, like she's a walk in the park.
Bravo! Bravo! Let's hear it for the Luigi Players! Dinner and a show! Okay, now up the stairs with you two.
Larry, Larry, wait.
Why would you think we're getting divorced? (no accent): Because you-you guys have been fighting all the time, and why else would you have papers about splitting up assets? Yeah, that-that's a good question, Vicky.
Yeah, I've been wondering the same thing myself, Luigi.
Apparently, she's trying to get out of this marriage.
No, no.
That's not what this is about.
Oh, really? Because that's the way it seems to me.
I mean, all you've been talking about lately is me being dead or incapacitated, or divorced from you.
I mean, whatever happened to talking about the day's events, or, you know, making fun of the kids? Look, there are things that everyone eventually has to deal with.
Not me, okay? I-I don't want to think about us not being healthy, alive or together, all right? You know, my worst nightmare is not being with you and not having my family.
Then why didn't you tell me that? That's what I've been trying to do! Oh, you mean, like when you wrote "bitch" on the mirror in soap? Yeah.
That just my way of telling you I was afraid.
Well, I'm afraid, too! That's why I wanted the post-nup.
Look, you're a cheap bastard, and I figured if I could get you to sit down and see all the things you would lose if you ever walked out on me, then you never would.
(voice breaking): Because you not being a part of my life-- that's what terrifies me.
Are you, uh, trying to manipulate me into kissing you? (voice breaking): Yeah.
Damn, you're good at this.
(with accent): It worked, huh?! That's why everybody loves Luigi! Shut up, Luigi!