The War Next-Door (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

The Fellowship of the Ring

1
A NETFLIX SERIES
Come on, Blondie! No mercy!
Oh my God.

Okay.

What is that?
Come on! Make us sweat it out, Blondie!
Om! Shanti, shanti, shanti, shanti.
Om!
Whoo!
Oh, we have to pay.

Let's go.

They thought I was begging.

Like
I was happy working out by myself,
when all of a sudden,
everybody started chasing me.

Like a hoard of zombies.

And out of nowhere, they gave me coins.

They thought I was a beggar
or something like that.

No homeless people wear Lululemon,
you know what I mean?
Diego, I know we're going
through a rough patch
but we don't need their charity.

They were probably thinking
it was just a class or something.

And they were paying you
for being their instructor.

Is that a teacher's salary?
- No wonder they're always on strike.

- Don't you see, Sil?
You can charge for your sessions
to pay for important things.

Like waxing.

Or buying a car.

Mm-hmm.

Now that Blondie
has made exercising so fashionable here,
I'm gonna sell my weight-loss shakes.

When I sold them in Juarez,
my shakes were such a big hit.

Well, how about that?
No need to exercise and get all sweaty.

But exercising is good for your health.

Listen,
exercising only makes you more hungry.

And that's why my milkshakes
will be such a success.

You will lose wight extra fast
with Ex-Piggy Forte.

Here we go.

That's it.

Wow.
Look.

Hi, handsome! Hey.

Hello there.

What's up, Netito? Huh?
All this time, you never mentioned
that you can dance so well.

But you kind of look like a blowfish.

These shorts are giving me a wedgie.

Ah!
That's no big deal, man.

But be careful with the consequences.

They can be a real doozie.

You know what I mean, prostate trouble.

Peeing in little squirts
all through the night.

And no more stiffies.

Nothing to worry about, Neto.

Unless, you know
Unless you've felt The Spear.

What's The Spear?
It's a pain that starts all the way
at the top of Mount Blackburn
all the way to the Grand Canyon.

Get it?
You know, from the tip of your pecker
all the way to your rectum.

I've felt that, though!
- No kidding.

- Yes.

- Seriously?
- Yes!
Hey, I'd get a check-up if I were you
because you're still early.

I saw terrible things in prison
from lack in medical care.

You have no idea.

I'm really stressed.

Last week we had 13,000 Toxifans,
and now we're down to 11,500.

We have to post juicy stuff, Pablo.

They're all saying
that this is a fake relationship.

Did you read the comments?
"This relationship is faker
than Luisito Comunica's cool trips.
"
"You know coffee and vanilla don't mix.

They're obviously lying.
"
What's wrong with them?
Wait a minute.

We have to do something to prove
that we're actually dating for real.

Day what?
Hey, wait! Please, Crista.

Hold on.

I feel like there's something wrong
in our relationship, and I want
Whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses.

We don't have a relationship.

We're just fucking.

- But we've done it more than three times.

- So what?
We could be dating officially now.

You can put me to the test.
I'll prove it.

Okay.
Only so you realize that labels
aren't as good as they seem.

Don't you give up! Nine, ten
LOSE WEIGH
$150
eleven, twelve! Keep going!
Now, kick up and clap under your leg
to work those obliques.

One, two! Energize! Three,
four, five, six
- Come on, ladies! Stop your suffering!
- seven!
I have the quick solution
to get rid of those love handles
just like that!
- Ex-Piggy Forte right this way.

- Hey.

Please! All these powders
are just a big scam.

If you want to lose weight,
you have to exercise.

Easy.
No pain, no gain.

This is what Anahí from the band RBD uses
to stay oh so very slim.

Are you serious? For real?
Don't believe me? Let's bet on it.

Elvira will drink my special milkshakes,
and Lulú will work out with you.

The one whose client
loses more weight wins.

Perfect.
But if I win,
I want the whole clothesline to myself.

I hate sharing with strangers.

And if I win,
you're gonna wash
my family's underwear by hand.

Fine.

No, wait a minute.
You can count me out.

Don't you wanna look like Anahí?
No, I'd rather be curvy like Galilea.

My husband likes to have
something to grab onto.

Oh, did I say Anahí? No, no.

Gali.
Scrumptious.

Ah! In that case, I'm in.

Good.
And you?
If I do your routines
will I look like Maribel Guardia?
Oh, you'll look like Scarlett Johansson.

Kim Kardashian?
Okay, like Maribel what's-her-face?
That's great.
I'm in.

- Oh, good.
Yeah.

- Yeah.

But wait,
we won't get sick or anything, will we?
No.

- You'll see.

- Mmm.

Hi, Rigo.

Listen.

Do you know where I can get a check-up?
You know
- Yes.

- For my, you know, heart! My prostate.

Shh! Shh! Shh!
Don't ever say that word again.

Business will drop
if any of my lady clients find out
that someone stuck their hand
in your prostate.

- But it's for my health.

- I don't care.

My brother Ramón used to say that,
and now he goes by Simona.

Besides, the only man
who can check you is Mr.
Inocencio,
but he has a big mouth.

Especially when he's drunk.

Seriously?
You know why I never greet Mrs.
Socorro
with a kiss?
- Mm-mm.

- She has herpes.

Mr.
Rotulio never goes to the water park
because he has a fungus.

Okay, okay!
In that case, we have to do something
about these skimpy shorts.
Please!
Step on the scales.

Hey, hey, hey!
- Wait just a minute.

- What?
- She's got extra weight on.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, you too.

No cheating.
Come on, take it off.

- But I don't
- Fair is fair.
Come on, let's go.

All right, let the Hunger Games begin.

Do you think this will work?
Of course.
All couples post
pictures doing yoga together.

Ow, ow!
Okay.
This one's easier.

Okay.

- Ouch, ouch, ouch.

- Fuck.

We have to go with plan B.

Aw, are you sure about that?
DOLORES FONDA
Mom, stop distracting the champion.

I'm just putting
her willpower to the test.

Here.
Prove to us that your willpower
is bigger than your hunger.

Yuck, it tastes like glue.

Come on, let her have a tamale
to wash down the glue.
Don't be so mean.

Mom.
Instead of giving her ideas,
help me egg her on.
Let's go.

That's it, Elvira.

Swallow, swallow, Elvira!
Swallow, swallow, Elvira!
No, don't don't spit it back up.

Come on, drink it!
No groaning.

Listen, being skinny isn't easy.

I don't think I can go on.

No, no, no.
Wait.
Listen to me.

Hey, look here.

I'm not losing this challenge, okay?
You have to go on.

I'm sorry.
I'm just way too weak for this.

Look, I promise you
that if you lose weight,
you're gonna look so gorgeous.

Pinky promise.

Fine, but if I win, do you promise
I can borrow one of your expensive dresses
and try to get into the Soap Opera Awards?
Um
I don't know what that is, but yes.

So I can be up close and personal
with Sebastián Ruli.

Ah!
Okay.
But you know I'm a size two,
so that means
you have a lot of work to do.

- Up!
- This is for you, Ruli!
- Cheer up! Let's go!
- Yes!
Smile! Smile! Smile! That's it!
No, no, no, no.
This isn't working.

Yesterday they wanted to hire you
for three bachelorette parties.

They were all married women.

Sorry.
Change back into your shorts.

What's up?
- Is the chicken coop dead or what?
- It'll come back to life.

As soon as Neto changes.

Don't be that way, Rigo.

Let the chickens die,
but don't choke the cock.

If the chicken coop dies,
so does the business.

So, the cock will have to suck it up.

Okay, let me try one day
with this uniform.

And if I don't sell, I'll change back.

Okay, fine.

But you know what lady clients like.

Cock.

This is an exquisite tripe stew!
If we're going to date,
you have to eat everything
my grandmother makes at her diner, okay?
So, get used to it.

Hey, what's wrong, young man?
Don't you want to try my tripe stew?
Oh, of course I do, ma'am.

Let me see.

- So?
- This is delicious!
- Is It?
- Mm-hmm.

See, dear? He really knows how to eat,
unlike you who turned out to be a heathen.

Vegan.

Vegan, I have to remember.
Vegan.

Mmm!
Step up.

It says you gained more than half a pound!
We must be doing something wrong.

What we're doing wrong
is that you're starving me to death.

We have to take drastic measures
if we want to win this.

Come on, let's go.

Repeat after me,
Confidence and faith.
Repeat it.

No way.
All these filters
they're gonna think it's fake.

Look, you made my nose
look like a reggaeton Pinocchio.

Calm down, Pablo.

I didn't use so many filters.

I posted it.

Stand on the scale.
Let's go.

What?
It says you gained more than half a pound!
Mind telling me
what you're doing wrong?
Well, when I get nervous,
I sometimes retain fluids.

Okay.
I have to switch strategies.
Yeah.

I've got it.
We can do planks
with shoulder taps.

Let's go.

Whoo!
That's what I call quality advertising.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Hey! What's up, Netito?
I see they got you back
in the shorts after all.

Tell me, did you at least get a check-up?
- Um, no, but I'm totally fine, Tommy.

- Yeah.

Don't sweat it, Netito.

A little finger in the tush
is actually a quite natural thing.

It happens every day in the can.

And believe me,
anything is better than The Spear.

- The Spear?
- Yeah.

What is that?
Well, it's this strong pain.

It goes from northern Baja California
all the way to Chetumal.

From the Sierra Madre Range
to Death Valley.

Um, from the tip of your penis
to your rectum.

Yeah.

I I've felt that.

Is it very serious? Is it?
It's dead serious.
It's terrible.

Why don't you guys go see Mr.
Inocencio?
Don't worry, his finger is always ready
for another prostate exam.

- Never!
- Yes, yes, yes.

We're men.

We're not into fingering.

Okay.
You could also take the tea
that my mom used to make for Genaro.

- It's great.

- For the prostate?
Yes, and for everything else as well.

Yes, yes, yes.

Every time Genaro drank it,
he seemed energized.
Damn Genaro.

- Until he died, of course.

- Rest his soul.

Anyways, sleep on it, okay? Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, if it's good enough for Genie,
we can drink it too.

Okay, let's give it a try.

I told you
I'd do anything for you.

This is Winter, Raquel's son.

He's a tattoo artist,
and he's going to give you this.

No.
Forget it.

Anybody can get that on the beach.

I want something original.

Winter, do anything you want.

What's up, Lulú? How are Blondie's
workouts coming along?
Oh, Tina.
Don't tell anyone,
but I'm in pain.
Even my ears hurt.

Oh wow.

Yeah, I can tell
you've been exercising really hard.

Yes, but I haven't lost any weight yet.

You know, I knew this was gonna happen,
so I brought you some pain medicine.

Here.

I'm really sorry,
but I can't pay for it right now.

Don't worry about that, it's free.

That's what friends are for.

Seriously?
Thanks a million, Tina.

I mean it.
I'm ground to a pulp.

I imagine.

Wait, is roasted ground maize organic?
It doesn't go in the inorganic bin,
so I'm guessing it's definitely organic.

How are you doing with Agustina's powders?
Oh, they taste like poop.

Aw.

But listen,
if I'm going to look like Galilea,
I'll eat whatever it takes.

Uh-huh.
What are you eating today?
Today it's fried tortilla-flavored powder.

I mean, why don't you eat
the actual fried tortilla
and then spread the powder on top of it?
That's what I did a while ago,
and I lost the weight way faster.

- Are you serious?
- Sure.

Okay, then.

I'll buy a masa dough snack instead.

Also, you know,
fried tortillas are so tiny.

- Even better.
For sure.

- Right?
Here you go.
It's 20.

Exactly 20.

Can you vouch for me?
Wow, Diego got a tattoo?
Yes.
I asked him to,
but I didn't think
he would actually get one.

Let me see what tattoo you got, honey.

Wait, is that Roberto Palazuelos?
No way! It's a portrait of Tere,
in the style of Andy Warhol.

This this is pure art.

You won't like this one bit.

Mariana commented,
"Pablo looks super fake,
they used too many filters,
like Maradona used too many drugs.
"
Oh my God.

They're asking for us to kiss live.

Well
I think that we should, uh, do it.

I mean, I'm willing to,
but if you don't don't want to,
or you can't,
or you feel uncomfortable about it,
that's no problem, we won't do it.

No.
I think that it's part of, you know,
our job, so to speak, right?
But if you don't want to, I'd understand.

Yes, for the good
of the Toxicutes account.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, before you say anything,
it's for his own good.

Tattooing his ass is for his own good?
Okay, maybe not that, but he should learn
not to legitimize a patriarchal system.

Why don't you just tell him
you're scared of dating officially?
But that's not it.

I'm just trying to get him to see
that there is more than one way
of a couple being together.

Then tell him he has to
have more of an open mind.

Of course!
That's exactly what he has to learn.

Thank you, Janet.
You're a genius.

Hmm.

RIGO EVENTS
FOR YOUR PARTIES
Genie's tea didn't agree with me.

Me neither.

The Spear impaled me
like there was no tomorrow.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe Tomás is right and this is
the start of prostate cancer.

Come on, we really need
to go see Mr.
Inocencio.

No.

I'd rather have worms in my prostate
than people know
my pucker's no longer a virgin.

Let's go.

Because the bar closes tomorrow,
and we know he'll be sober.

Yeah, all right.

But but this stays between you and me.

Mm-hmm.

Ow! My finger.

I don't know if this will work.

How am I supposed to eat it?
Come on.
Take it easy, Pablito.

You see, the goal is
to make people crave your ice cream
because of the way you kiss it.

Does that make sense?
- Yeah, okay.

- Go on, kiss it.

Do it.

Stop! Not like that, Nephew!
What are you doing?
If you do that, there's no way anyone
would believe that she's your girlfriend.

Try again.
Hey, wait a second.

This time, put more soul into it.

Make it sexy.
Go.

No way, I don't believe it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with you.

- Was it that bad?
- Try it one more time.

Make it sexier.
Show your eyes.

Mmm!
Shut that mouth!
How many bites have you had?
Mmm.

Of that one, none.

Who gave this to you?
Tina.

She said that
it would help stop the pain, but
it's only making me more hungry.

That's because these pills
are to grow your appetite.

That's why it's called "Pig Out Pills.
"
Oh!
Oh well, they sure do work.

- No! That traitor's gonna hear me out.

- Mmm.

Mm-mm.

Hey, hey, hey!
- Stop it.
You can't eat that stuff.

- Mm-hmm.

Chivis said I could spread the powder
on top of food
and lose a lot of weight really fast.

That wretch.
No, no, no! Hey! Stop! No!
She's cheating so you can gain weight.

Put that thing down.
Down!
Mmm, let me just have one more tiny bite,
just so the powder doesn't go to waste.

- Yum!
- Mm-mm!
Look.

I said no, Elvira!
Janet, I need your assistance.

Only if you help me with the laundry.

I need you to help me kiss Pablo live
and make it look real.

Well, just kiss him.

But I can't.
I only kiss for love.

Help me fall in love with Pablo
for a little while?
The trouble is,
his self-esteem depends on his followers.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

What can I do to fall in love with him?
- I guess you have to get a love spell.

- A love spell?
- Tell me all about it.

- Well, um
I don't think I can do it.

Pablito.

Tere wants me to try pegging
to prove to her
that I want to date her officially.

Pegging? What's that?
She wants to do this to me.

Wow.
Wow, wow.
I
Mmm.

I guess that must be a magical moment
for any relationship, huh?
I'm scared.

Of course.

Should I do that with Crista?
Pablito, you haven't even kissed her yet.

- Ah.

- Show me again.

I'm telling you,
I'm gonna win this contest.

- I think you'll win too.

- Look who's coming.
Speak of the devil.

She should stop playing nurse.

You know, you really stooped low
taking advantage of poor Mrs.
Elvira.

And you of Lulú's innocence.

That's not fair play.

"That's not fair play.
"
As the mediator of this contest
Stop this nonsense,
and get your chunky ladies
to lose weight without cheating.

Okay, if she behaves, then so will I.

- Do you want to ask for a spell?
- Yes.

But this place is so different.

Stop being so picky.
Come on.

THE SHAMANA
TAROT, WEEDING, LOVE SPELLS
Look, Blondie.

You need to tie together
a lock of your hair
with your lover's hair.

Are you sure that that will be enough?
- It's a very efficient love spell.

- But I really only want it for a while.

Come back later and I'll untether it.

- Do you realize what you're saying?
- Don't listen to her, Blondie.

Janet is a weird kid
because she has no faith.

She didn't even want to do
her First Communion.
Mm-hmm.

Come on, Janet.
The point is,
I have to fall in love with Pablo.

- Mm-hmm.
Hmm.

- Squeeze her flabby chin, Mom.

Okay.
She has to sweat out
at least four pounds.

Wait, wasn't I just supposed
to just drink the milkshake?
Listen, we have to take extreme measures
or we're gonna lose.

Run in place.

No, faster!
Like when you chase the priest
so that he'll hear your confession.

What's wrong?
She fainted.
Elvira!
Did you have breakfast, Elvira?
Come on, let's go.
No pain.

Oh! Yes, pain!
Here, take this.

Isn't this Tina's milkshake?
Yes.
It's just to prove
that it doesn't work.

Up!
Move it!
Come on!
Take it!
Don't stop!
Get up, Lulú!
If this is what you want
I'm ready.

What's so funny?
Pull up your pants, dummy.

I didn't think you'd accept.

Now I see you'd do anything for me.

Is being my girlfriend so bad?
No, of course not.

It's not you, it's just
Yeah, you told me,
it it's not your style.

It's not my style,
and nobody ever asked me.

But with you,
everything has been different.

I hate that you're a rich kid,
but I hate even more
that I'm so in love with you.

If you want, you can put me to the test.

This is the moment of truth.

Well, look who's here.

And there's the scale.

- Let's put an end to this.

- Go.
Elvira, you're first.

Come on.
Stand here still.

- Come on!
- Come on.

- Gained two pounds.

- Damn it.

Come on, Lulú! You can do it!
She gained two pounds too.

- No.
No, no, no.
I won't accept a tie.

- No, no, no.
One more week.

- Yeah.

- No fucking way.

No, I'm not doing this any longer.

Neither am I.

Luckily, Mrs.
Dolores saved us
from starvation every night
by making us her fried tortilla snacks.

- Excuse me?
- You fed them every night, Mom?
Don't blame me.

Because I put double lettuce on them,
and I wiped up all the oil with a napkin.

You should be ashamed, ma'am.

You completely cheated.

Shame on both of you!
You nearly killed these poor women.

There's so much more in life
than being skinny.

- Hurry, here comes Pablo.

- Uh
I'm ready for our big kiss now.

So am I.

Janet, start livestreaming
Cool.

Toxifans, how are you?
Let's wait for more people
to connect to talk a bit.

I know you're only here for me
because Pablo's a nobody
We are offline.

Cut, guys!
- Was it okay?
- Mm-hmm.

What'd they say?
"That's hot.
"
- Hmm.

- Cool.

Gentlemen,
welcome to the backdoor community.

Just kidding, just kidding.

As far as I could feel,
everything is fine in your deep canyons.

So, please go on
and live your lives as usual.

What I don't understand is,
why you demanded the physical exam,
when nowadays there's a blood test?
What do you mean a blood test?
You never told us about that, Tomás.

I didn't want to be a party pooper.

That's why.
Yeah, yeah.

What did I have to suffer? Huh?
You were collateral damage, Rigo.

Wait, you never really cared
about my health?
Sure I did, Neto,
but I was more worried about mine,
and you see,
losing my place as neighborhood sex symbol
could have serious consequences.

Um
I sincerely apologize.

It wasn't in bad faith,
but, well, yes, it was, but I apologize.

Maybe meeting you
Was no coincidence ♪
Maybe this was fate's doing ♪
I want to sleep on your chest again ♪
- And then, wake up to your kisses ♪
- Your sixth sense ♪
They make
a beautiful couple, don't they?
I know soon
We will be together ♪
That mischievous smile
That I carry with me ♪
I know I will soon be in your path ♪
You know I'm hanging onto your hands ♪
So don't you ♪
If they have kids,
they're gonna look like Dalmatians.

- Spotted?
- I mean, yeah.

That's what happens when a brown chick
gets with a blonde guy
- Shh!
- polka dots.

Yeah.

I send you songs
Written by my own hand ♪
I send you songs
By Juan Luis Guerra's 440 ♪
I send you photographs
Of us dining in Martella ♪
And when we went to Venezuela ♪
That way you'll remember
And never forget me ♪
That my heart
Is hanging in your hands ♪
Treat it right ♪
Treat it right ♪
For my heart is hanging in your hands ♪
I love her!
I even got a tattoo for her, look!
- No, don't, Diego!
- Diego, no, don't do it.

- Kiss, kiss!
- Kiss her!
Yay!
Come one, come all!
Take advantage
of our special prices this weekend,
only at Events By Rigo, go, go
Buddy, buddy, buddy!
Sales are soaring, huh?
- I knew Mr.
 Inocencio wouldn't tell.

- Right!
Hey, how's it hanging?
Just look at you, Ernesto.

I've been talking to friends
and heard you're as pretty on the outside
as you are on the inside.

Rigo, you too, darling.

Bye.

Fucking Inocencio.

Come one, come all! Get your discounts!
"Pretty on the inside.
" Mmm.

A tamale with green sauce, please.

Thank you.

- Are you trying to kill yourself, Mom?
- Of course not.

Dolores says this has nutrients.

Yeah, and a ton of oil.

Fine, I'll pat it off with a napkin.

Look, there's more to life
than being skinny.

Mmm!
It's delicious.

- Want one?
- Do you have the pink kind?
Nine, ten,
eleven, twelve, thirteen!
You decided
on Silvia's method after all, Auntie?
Not really.

Blondie isn't my cup of tea,
but she has nice legs.

There's no harm in trying.

I think it's good for you to exercise.

It's good once in a while, dear.

Later I'll compensate,
a quesadilla for each sit-up.

Yeah?
Your grandma's right.

There's more to life
than trying to be skinny.

- Sure.

- Enjoy your Popsicle.

Three, four, five, six
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