The War Next-Door (2021) s02e07 Episode Script


[whimsical music playing.]

Morning! Morning!
- [whistle blowing.]

- [crowd cheering.]

- Morning!
- [gasps.]
For a moment,
I thought you'd forgotten English.

Aw, honey, you didn't have to do this.

- Guess what today is?
- Is it my turn for the group savings?
You got involved in that?
Well, honey, Rigo got me in.

Then, get it today because it's
- It's our anniversary.

- [chuckles.]

Well, congratulations, my Chivis.

And we have to celebrate
at the best restaurant in town.

- Huh?
- Because it's Saturday.

And you know what that means, don't you?
- Is it happy hour?
- No.
Everyone will be there.

- And that's good?
- Obviously, Ernie.

It is our chance to prove
that we're still in the game.

You know how it is.

If they don't see you, you don't exist.

- Do you remember the Acostas?
- Who were the Acostas?
- Exactly.
They don't exist.

- Huh.

- Bon appétit.

- Thank you, my love.

[jazz music playing.]


I don't know.

But honestly, sometimes I feel
that moms often hire me
because they want a weird mix between
children's parties
and bachelorette parties.

What gives you that impression?
Don't move.
I don't want my hand to slip.

And you know what?
Today is my anniversary with Silvia,
and I forgot.

Well, at least she didn't get mad.

I would be careful if I were you, buddy.

Women are like the IRS.

It seems that nothing happens,
and when you least expect it, bam!
They come and collect all your taxes.

Yes, I know.

She already told me that she wants
to go to the nicest restaurant in town.

Now I have to take her.

That bad news is, it's still not
my turn for the group savings.

I thought about pawning something off,
but I have nothing left.

If you're poor, you have to live that way.

But look on the bright side, buddy.

I would give anything
to have that opportunity with Tina.

To be able to give her
a night worthy of a fairy-tale.


You know, I want to show her that,
like my idol, Roberto Carlos,
I can also be
An old-fashioned lover ♪
You could do that.

That's the easy part, my buddy!
All you have to do is
clench it tight, you know?
And stand firm in front of Tina
and say, "Hello, Tina, it's me.
"Let's have dinner.
" That's it.

I know I've told you this before,
but you're a pro.

You're a pro! Yes!

Pick whatever you want, Janet.

It's on me.

What's up, Lulú? How are you?
Everything good?
- I've been better.

- [chuckles.]

Put it on my tab, beautiful.

I can't do this anymore, Tomás.

Ah, what's wrong, Lulú?
- Oh, you're kidding, right?
- No.

Lulú loves to play hard to get.

You already owe me 300 this week.

- But it's only Tuesday.

- [Tomás sighs.]

I, um
- Lulú.
- No.

How much are the cucumbers, Elvira?
Three cucumbers for 18.
Do you want some?
Let me see.
Give me three,
but the greener ones, huh?
- Because then
- A flower
for another flower.

Huh? [chuckles.]

That's a good one, Rigo.

I know some jokes.

If you want,
I can tell you more over dinner.

Hey Rigo, are you going to pay
for the pumpkin flower,
or are you just gonna
tell one of your jokes?
Hold on a second, Mrs.

You know what, buddy? [clicks tongue.]

Um, no I can't.
I I just went on a diet.

I don't think you need to go on a diet.

Besides, how about
you start tomorrow instead?
Then, tonight, you can do what people do
before they go on a diet.

And what do people do?
You know, they go out to eat.

Think about it and let me know.

All right, then.

That is a done deal, Tina.

Shut up.
I'm going to sew your mouth shut.

Give me my cucumbers.
Hurry up.

This has never happened to me before.

What's going on?
Don't you think it's wrong to rely
on your physical appearance to get things?
No, no.
This goes beyond appearance.

It's more like
my touch, you know?
Not many men can brag
that they have the touch, okay?
For example, Canelo,
Adrian Uribe, uh, and Luismi.

- Even if he's chubby now.

- Mmm.

Look, for for example,
there's Aurelio, right?
He'll get excited when I say hi to him.

It happens every day.
So check me out.

Aurelio! [whistles.]

What's up?
Are you kidding?
Ignored twice in one day?
I think I lost my touch.

Enough with this nonsense.

- Come on!
- Aurelio!
I'm going on a date with Cristiano!
Oh my God! Ah!
We're Cris and Cris.

You don't seem excited, Pablo.

Whoo, whoo, yeah.

And you have to be there with me.

No, no, no.
That's impossible.

If anyone finds out about Cris and Cris,
the Toxifans will realize
that you and I are not really dating.

And all our dreams to be influencers
would go to shit.

There's a lot of paparazzi.

- Uh, here?
- You don't understand.

Imagine if people discovered
that Belinda
and Christian Nodel's relationship
were arranged by their managers.

It would be a scandal.

Oh, well
well, anything for the Toxicutes.

- [upbeat music playing.]

- Yes! [chuckles.]

- Whoo-hoo!
- [Tina.]
What do you think?
It's just a date.

You're not going to marry him.

Besides, you told us
my mom never liked Rigo.

Mom, you have nothing to say?
Just that Rigo is married, Tina.

[Tina sucks teeth.]
So what?
Chayo left him years ago.

It doesn't count now.

Then, why do you even ask me
if you don't care what I have to say?
Of course, I care what you say,
but Tere is right.

It's just a date.

I'm not going to marry him tomorrow.

- Exactly.

- [inhales.]
Okay, do what you want.

I'm gonna say yes.

- [Tere.]
- You see?
But you have to tell us everything.

Oh, no.
Not me.
No, no.

Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna tell you everything.

The color of his underwear,
who got naked first, all that stuff.

[pigeons cooing.]

[sucks teeth.]

[wings flapping.]


Uncle, I think I need
some advice from you.

I don't have any advice for you, Pablo.

I lost my touch, and I don't know
how to survive in a world
where you are the alpha male
of the neighborhood.

- God.

- Wait, I'm an alpha?
What can I say?
Oh, well, I'm going on a date,
but I'm actually the third wheel
with Crista and Cristiano,
but we wanna tell the Toxifans
that it's our date
and that he's the third wheel.

Hold on, hold on.

Cristiano's the third wheel?
- Well, yeah.

- Have you seen Cristiano, Pablo?
What should I do?
[sucks teeth.]
Let's see.

I think you should take another chick
so you won't be the third wheel anymore.

- Uh-huh, so a chick?
- Yes, yes.

- Ah, another girl.

- Yes.

- Thanks, Uncle! Of course, another girl!
- You're welcome.

I want a nice blow-dry,
and then some loose waves.

A little messy, you know?
Yeah, so, okay.
What's the occasion?
- Ah, today is my anniversary with Ernie.

- Oh!
And we're going
to the best restaurant in town.

And since it's Saturday,
everyone's gonna be there.

And who is everyone?
- Well, people that you wouldn't know.

- [sighs.]

- I mean, important people.

- [chuckles.]

But, well,
not as important as you, obviously.

- Oh.

- [Tina.]
Good morning, Anita!
Hi, Anita.
Good morning.

- Good morning, Tina.

- Good morning.

Winter, come help me with Tina.

Don't bug me, Raquel!
You bugged me when I gave birth to you.

I went through 15 hours of labor! Fifteen!
Move, move, move! Move it! Fifteen!
Hi, Winter.

Look, I want to do my hair and makeup,
but nothing too flashy.

Elegant but natural, you know?
- [chuckles.]

- What's going on?
And where are you going
elegant but natural?
I'm going on a secret date
with a silver fox.

- [chuckles.]

- We're probably going somewhere expensive.

Oh, but you don't need
to get all dressed up to go out for tacos.

Huh? Chivis? I didn't see you.

Who asked you?
As I was saying, Raquel,
I'm going
to a really expensive restaurant.


Chivis, you can barely afford
the tortillas at my mother's place.

And even then,
my dear mother is always vouching for you.

Unless you've saved some money,
since your son is always eating
at my house with Tere.

You must have a little stash.


- I'll pick you up at 8:00.

- Yes, but eight o' clock, not later.

Yes, babe.
I'll be here at five to eight.

Hey, Diego.

Diego, don't go yet
'cause I need your help.

Only you can help me.

I think I lost my touch.

Look, um, you won over my unbearable
I mean, well, unconquerable niece.

Give me some advice, please.

I'm desperate.

- My secret is
- Uh-huh.


being submissive.

That's not true,
Diego Espinoza de los Montero.

You and I have a relationship
with a lot of dialogue.

- Yes, my love.
You're absolutely right.

- Mm-hmm.

Perfect, I understood everything.

The key here is being a loser, um,
and you have to be bossed around too.

Hey, can you come with me
to a place where I can flirt like a loser?
It's it's it's singles night
at El Beso Bar.

Or better known as,
the night of desperate women.

How misogynistic, Uncle.

- [sighs.]

- What?
Not just women are desperate,
men can be too.

No, no, no.
Help me, please.
Come with me.

I really can't take any more rejection.

- Especially by myself.

- [sighs.]

Hi, Brittany.

I'm here to give you the opportunity
to attend an exclusive dinner
with Mr.
so that everyone can envy you,
and you can satiate
all that temptation you feel for me.

[romantic music playing.]

Hi, Brittany.

I'm here to give you the opportunity
to attend an exclusive dinner
with Mr.

And with Cristiano.

- With Cristiano?
- Yes.

No way.
Oh my gosh.
Thanks! Aw.

- So cool.

- Yeah.

What's that about?
[whimsical music playing.]

- What are you doing?
- [gasps.]


Ew! This has a brown stain!
Ah, so it's you who's perverted enough
to steal Tomás's underwear.

And now it looks
like you're about to steal Jani's.

I swear I'm going to give it back.

Only if you tell me
what you're doing with it.

I have a date with Cristiano, and
- [sighs.]
I want to look more hood.

- What?
Because he likes them all hood.
I think.

Ah, so you want to completely change
the person you are for a boy?
- Oh, for sure.

- Ah.

That sounds very healthy and mature.

But it's up to you.

I know.

A woman's gotta do
what a woman's gotta do.

[gentle music playing.]

Wow! Well, this place
is like snobby land, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

How about we go
for some tacos somewhere nearby?
There must be something, right?
No, Tina.

I wanted to impress you.

I've been waiting for this opportunity
for a long time.

Do you remember how long ago
we finished high school?
Oh, a long time ago.

You see?
That's why I decided to go all out
and take you to the nicest place in town.

Even the menu is in French.

And no prices.

- Then let's go!
- Uh-huh.

Excusez moi.

Women here are ready for anything.

It might get complicated
if I stay at the table.

We're not in a good spot.

You've gotta be kidding me.

This is all because I lost my touch, huh?
That's why they sat us here.

This would never happen to the old Tomás.

I swear, never!
I need to move to a different table,
so everyone can take advantage of
and appreciate this
Don't do it, Tomás.

Don't do it.

A submissive would never do that.

But why?
Although I'm really not about
your alpha-male behavior,
if changing tables
will make you feel better,
ask them to change us.

Anyway, these are uncomfortable.

Aren't they, Diego?
Yes, very uncomfortable.

Ouch, my back.

You're totally right, Diego.

Tonight, I'm gonna be weak-willed
just like you.

Diego is not weak-willed.

Tell him you're not like that.

No, no, I'm not weak-willed.
Like that?
You know what? I think I'll be right back?
Hey, um
should we get some beers?

No, wait.
Let's order a piña colada.

I like that.

Diego, that was a trap!
I hate piña coladas.

I just said it
to see if you do everything I say.

Why do you always agree with me?
- So you don't get angry.

- But I won't.

I like you to be assertive.
Let's see.

Order whatever you want,
and I won't get angry.

- Is this a trick?
- Mm-mm.


Waiter, a bottle of Dom Pérignon.

Oh, oh, or better yet, two Cuba Libres.


Diego! Rum is a product of slavery.

It should be forbidden.

It's terrible to be seen with a bottle
of Dom whatever on the table.

It's embarrassing.

They'll think we're awful people.

I'm going to the bathroom.

- Uh
- No, Diego.

But but I I ordered Cubas.

Relax, baby.
You look amazing.

- Okay, but can you just button this up?
- Yes.

- Stand up straight.

- Yes.

Oh, look.
It's the Limas.

Say hi.
Oh, hello.

They didn't notice us.

Uh, do you have a reservation?
but I'm Ernesto Espinoza de los Monteros.

Uh, Mr.
without a reservation I can't let you in.

- Come again?
- What?
Gomez del Río, come in.

It's a pleasure.

- And his reservation?
- It's not necessary.

- [woman.]
Can you take my coat, please?
- [man.]


[chuckling obnoxiously.]

That's hilarious.

- What's this? What?
- Those two cannot make fun of me.

Or both of us, okay?
- But but
- Where are you going?
Oh, someone's actually waiting for us.

Those two.

You're with Mr.
You should have said so.


Right? It was shaped like that.
A V-shape.

- Hey!
- Oh, hi! Nice to see you two.

- What a coincidence, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

We never imagined we would find you here.

Neither did we, so beat it.

Tina, Tina, Tina, don't worry.

Two is fun, but four is better.

Right, buddy?
- Right, Chivis?
- Of course!
- [Rigo.]
Take a seat.

- Rigo.

- Oh, thank you.

- Here you go.
One more.
Come on.

Oh, you guys are incredible.

It's so nice to see you.

- Oh, uh, um
- Give me, Blondie.

[pool balls clack.]

There is no better pairing
for these chips than a cold beer.

Isn't that right, Pablito? [chuckles.]

["Quema" by Booms y Claps
Garba Zento playing.]

What's up, guys?
Uh, is that Janet's?
Aw, Ernie.

Remember the last time we went to Paris?
- Je l'adore.

- Mwah!
Could I get, um, una soup vichyssis?
[in French.]
My friend
what the lady is ordering
is a vichyssoise soup.

[in English.]
Why, Rigo
[in French.]
 I speak a little French.

- Oh!
- Oh!
[in English.]
I downloaded an app to learn.

It's been amazing.

I'll give it to you, Chivis,
so you can learn pronunciation.

That would help.

Uh, garçon, some tortillas
that are nice and warm, hmm?
- S'il vous plaît.

- [Tina.]
Could I also have some nopalitos?
Le nopalé smallé.

- [in English.]

- Le petit nopal.

[Rigo and Tina chuckle.]

- [Tina.]
Le petit.

- [Rigo.]
Le petit.

Oh, I get it.
I get it.

Another beer, please.

[upbeat music playing faintly.]

[woman gasps.]
What are you doing?
You're drinking my Silk Stocking.

Oh, um, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Relax, don't get uncomfortable.

Well, the truth is [sucks teeth.]

that that I'm really shy.

I I was hoping to talk to you,
but I felt too embarrassed.

Well, we seem to be talking now.

- Hmm?
- I'm Consuelo.

people call me Chelo.

Ah, Chelo.

And you?

Tomás, but
you can call me whatever you want.

- [whimsical music playing.]

- And why are you here, Tomás?
I'm here Uh, I'm looking
for someone who I could go home with.

Someone who'll scold me
'cause I've been bad.

- Oh, a naughty boy.

- Yes, yes.


Are you going to do everything I say?
Yes, master.


She's coming! She's coming!
No way!
How did they get the bear
into the balloon?
Tina, this is a little present
for accepting my invitation.

- [all cheering.]

- Oh, Rigo, I love it!
A toast.
A toast! A toast!
To old and new friendships
because that's what life is all about.

Leaving the past behind
and trying new things.

- Cheers!
- Cheers! Cheers!

- So these two are your little friends?
- Yes.
Yes, they are.

- [Diego.]

- Wait for me here.

I'll go get my friends,
then we can go back to my apartment.

- You understand?
- Yes, Chelo.



No way! Diego was actually right.

I've done nothing but be submissive,
and already she wants to take me home
to her apartment! Huh, man?
You're a genius, my friend.

Now brace yourselves
because the tiger is back
and on the loose.

- [Cata.]
- [growls.]

Yes, um
What are you doing here in this brothel?
I came along with, uh, Tere and Diego
because they're looking for a date.

- No.

- I can't say I'm surprised.

Here, all women look
for the exact same thing
and that attracts desperate men.

- Exactly.

- [Chelo.]
You ready, Tomás?
- [Cata gasps.]

- Cata?
- [Cata.]
- [Tomás sucks teeth.]

- Are you dating my sister?
- What?

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no.

- I'm hooking up with him.

- Ah.

Besides, he's so shy,
I got nervous I might be abusing him.

- Right, Tomás?
- Yes.

You're so stupid for believing him.

He's pretending to be shy to flirt
and take you home
so you can take advantage of him.

And it was working.

- You're a liar.

- Chelo.

- And I wanted to punish you.

- Yes.

Really bad.
[grunts, sucks teeth.]


Come on.
I'm the worst, right?
Well, you could both do it.
Ah, jeez!
Do something, Pablo.
This date
is sinking faster than the Titanic,
and in the end, Rose is going to die.

I still believe that Jack
could've fit on that wooden door.

That's not important.
Please do something.

[upbeat music playing faintly.]

Ah, hold on.

- [boy.]
No way.

- [indistinct chatter.]

["Amor De Tres" by Aroma playing.]

No way! Of course you would pick
one of my favorite songs, Pablito.

[in Spanish.]

We won't forget you for this ♪
Please understand ♪
This three-way love ♪
- Is a bad relationship ♪
- We were only friends ♪
Get out of here ♪
- I'd rather be alone than with you ♪
- You will regret this ♪
- [chuckles.]

- [in English.]
Hey, hey!
Why are you standing alone? Come on!
[Pablo chuckles.]

Hey, hey!
- [kisses.]

- Ugh!

What is this?
I thought you were all into fluidity
and polyamory, no?
Of course not.

I've been flirting with you for hours.

What? Cristiano,
I thought you were my date!
Well, you thought wrong
because I like Pablo.

I'm happy that we're all together.

Aren't you guys?
- [scoffs.]

- [both groan.]

It's too bad that you're not my type,
but thanks so much!
I think I could get into it.


- [Silvia.]
Yol! What a surprise!
- Silvia.

Um, I wanted to show Tina and Rigo
what a decent person's restaurant is like.

Oh, Sil, would you stop?
Literally, we all know you have no money.

And you're not broke
like Trump.

You're poor, like the Lopezes.

Honey, you have to realize
you don't belong here anymore.

What I don't understand is
how are you gonna pay the check?
Because this is not a Chili's
or a taco stand or something.

- Wait, come here.

- [man.]
- You have something on your ear.

- [grunts.]

Look, honey.
Don't play nice.

I know perfectly well
what you're attracted to,
or do you want me to ask Tomás? Huh?
So stop your charade
and apologize to Blondie!
If not, I'll give your old geezer
his hearing aid back
and tell him everything.

Come on, you filthy gold digger.
I'm sorry, Sil.

We have to go.

The driver is waiting for us outside.

- Have a good day.

- Everyone knows your maiden name is Pérez!
No hyphen! Just Pérez!
[whimsical music playing.]


- I'm going to the bathroom.

- Me too.
Don't eat my food!
- Oh, I can't believe it!
- [chuckles.]

Oh, it's amazing to do things like you do!
What do you mean by that?
Like this.
Saying what you think
and not being a hypocrite.

Being a hypocrite is a thing
of the rich and the poor.

Oh, I know, but did you see
the dry-lizard face she made
when I yelled out at her
that she was a Pérez?
Yes, that's worse than being an Espinoza.

[both chuckle.]

No, I'm kidding.


- [clears throat.]

- [sighs.]


[gentle music playing.]

Thank you for defending me.

I don't like it
when people attack the defenseless.

And you looked really terrified, Blondie.

Well, thank you.

[Tina chuckles.]

Oh yeah, speaking of being honest,
what's up with you and Rigo? [chuckles.]

If you're talking about the date,
he just invited me to dinner.

Oh, come on.

Obviously, something is going on
between you two.

These kinds of dinners and that gift
is not just something for a friend.

Blondie, I don't know what to do.

Part of me has feelings for Rigo,
but I also feel it's too soon because
of everything happened with my sister.

Besides, he was with her
when he started flirting with me.

But Leonor is no longer here.

And you deserve to be happy

- [toilet flushes.]

- [zipper zips.]

Yeah, you deserve to be happy.

[whimsical music playing.]

[door opens.]

I think your touch is coming back.

You had her.

Yeah, but now Cata
is madder at me than she was.

Dammit, why is the world so fucking small?
Or the neighborhood?
- No, no, no.
I know what's happening.

- The neighborhood?
Cata is your kryptonite.

My what?
You're in love with her,
and that's why you lost your "touch.
And now, what will you do, Tommy?
Well, I'm gonna do
what any sensible man would do.

I'm gonna watch Rocky 3,
then a He-man marathon.

And I'm gonna do push-ups with my fists
until Lopez The Tiger returns.

Don't look for me
until the Baby Jesus neighborhood
needs me.

See you later.


Let's go to my place.

I want to see a film
from a Polish film festival.

It's about the horse that took Freud
to his last consultation.

We can watch the film
and eat organic oatmeal while we do.

No, I think I'm going to go home.

I'm going to watch Eat, Pray, Love.

Which I know stereotypes women
and romanticizes the idea of love,
but it's great, and I love Julia Roberts.


And I'm going to eat
your grandma's gorditas.

Crista! Um, how are you? Are you okay?
Not great.

I really had feelings for Cristiano.

I even changed how I dress for him.

Yeah, well, that wasn't really your look,
but Janet doesn't have very good taste.

But it wasn't all bad.

Cristiano kissed you,
and I guess that's important for you.

But he also kissed you!
- Shall I kiss him again so he'll kiss you?
- Disgusting, Pablo!
You know I don't like to share.

That's why I don't have a younger sister.

[cell phones chime.]

[upbeat music building.]

You know what?
I can't believe
I've never asked for leftovers.

You did ask the waiter
for the tortillas, right?
Yes, of course.
They're in there.

And tell me, how does it feel
to take your first ever takeout?
- Ugh, this is not takeout.

- Oh yes, it is.

Oh, no, no.
We asked for leftovers.

- Don't call it that, please.

- [chuckles.]

Hey, you know what?
It's the first time I don't mind
having lost everything.

Well, everything except style and class.

You're born with those.

Never lose that.

You know,
I completely agree with you, my love.

Because this is the first time
I feel proud to pay a check like this.

Well, I guess it was just half of a check.

Sil, do you know
how many Tarzan dances I have to do
to pay for a bottle of wine
from this place?
- Aw, sweetheart.

- Huh? No.

My little butt can handle
a lot more than what I did for you.

[both moaning softly.]

[gentle music playing.]


I love you.

Me too.

[upbeat music playing.]

- [vintage car horn honks.]

- Wait, wait! [whistles.]

Ah, ah!

[music fades out.]

Hey, you didn't have to walk me
all the way home.

I'm not a 15-year-old girl
who needs to be left at her front door.

No, no, no.
Well, it's
It's not because of you.

It's because I'm afraid of Doña Dolores.

You know how she is with me.


So it's much better to make sure
you get home safe and sound.


- [inhales.]

- [gentle music playing.]

You know, Rigo
At first, I had doubts about whether
it was a good idea go out with you or not.

And now I realize
I made the right decision.

- [chuckles.]

- Thank you.

I just want to ask
if we could maybe take it slow? Yeah?
Look, Tina.

You're really important to me.

And I would never do anything
you wouldn't want
or wouldn't be comfortable with.

I promise.

[Rigo exhales.]

Look, Tina.

Although I've been wanting this
for a long time,
if we are going to have our first kiss
Well, again.

I prefer it to be
when we're both completely sober together.

Because I think it's important.

["El Dinero No Es La Vida"
by Ximena Sariñana & Rubén Blades playing.]

[song ends.]

Previous EpisodeNext Episode