The Weekenders (2000) s01e15 Episode Script
Dead Ringer
1
Hey, it's Tino.
Okay, this Sunday is the Bahia Bay
All School Picnic!
Where each year, new
Sports Legends are made.
Where each year, the athletically
inept are publicy humiliated.
Where each year.. I avoid the whole sports
magilla by playing chess all day.
Ima sign up for tennis, cuz man,
I look good in a headband.
I still don't get why
poetry isn't an event,
but I guess I'll sign
up for swimming again.
I'll stick with the usual: soccer,
softball, high jump, long jump,
broad jump, all the races and archery.
And for me..
Hang on..
Where's Chess!?
Mrs Duong, I can't find the
sign-up for Chess!
I'm sorry, Tino.
We had to cancel
Chess this year,
because a warren of rabbits
have made their hutch,
in the chess area.
You'll have to sign-up for something else.
Each student must participate
in at least one event!
But chess is the only
non-athletic event!
If there's no
chess, I'll have to
I'll have to
play sports.. !!
Nooooooo!
Oh man, I totally stink
at all things athletic.
You're not that bad, T.
Oh yeah?
Remember that one time we played soccer?
You, blocked a lot of shots?
Yeah, with my face.
But I think that still counts.
If everyone sees my total lack of sports
ability, I'll never live it down.
I'll go to my grave
regretting this weekend.
Well, on the plus side, it won't
be just kids from our school,
it'll be kids from
all over the county.
Or, would that be, the minus side.. ?
Alright,
don't worry about it, T.
Look, man, it's a whole list of events.
Yeah, we have until Sunday
to find the sport for you!
You're right.
Everything will look brighter tomorrow.
I'm super doomed.
I've hidden my sports
incompetence for my entire life.
That's a challenging task.
Now, I'm going to be outed as a klutz
in front of every kid within 20 miles.
And that's why I'd
like you to tell people
that I broke both my
legs in a blimp accident.
Okay, small problem.
That would be what we call:
a lie!
Oh Mom, lies are very in right now.
Nice try~
Hey,
here's a nutty idea.
Instead of worrying about
what everyone else thinks,
maybe you could just
have fun, at the picnic?
Oh, that's great.
Could you be a little more condescending?
No,
I pretty much maxed out there.
Wow, there's like, literally
a zillion events on this list.
And all we need is one
you're really good at.
Hey, I don't have to be good.
I just want something I won't
be embarrassingly bad at.
Yeah, but you wanna win, right?
Winning isn't everything.
Uh, newsflash?
That's what the losers say.
Let's see.
Let's start with
Golf!
I hit it!
Hey, would you call it a hook or a slice?
Um, there's really no name
for a shot like that.
Okay, golf?
Bad.
Let's try badminton.
I've never seen anyone get
a birdie stuck in his windpipe.
It's a good thing I know
the Heimlich Maneuver!
Badminton?
Bad.
Let's try tetherball.
Tetherball is nothing but
Dodgeball with a Rope.
Eleven sports.
Eleven.
Humiliating failures.
Hey, could Jacks count as a sport?
I don't think so, man.
It's kinda wimpy.
Well, yeah, but maybe we could jazz it up
somehow like, uh
Extreme Jacks!
Hey! Remember we agreed on
that No Air Guitar rule?
Oh, was I doing that out loud?
Hey, maybe you'd be better at team sports.
Yeah, that way you could hide behind
somebody good.
Ohh, right in the feel-bads
Ooh, sorry.
I meant to say well, no, that was what
I meant to say, but I meant to say it nice.
We're gonna play a little Two-on-Two against
a couple of my brothers in their league.
What league are they in?
I've got thirteen brothers.
They have their own league.
I thought you had fourteen brothers?
No, no, no..
Wait.
Yeah.
Huh, I forgot to count
one of the Danny's.
Snaked!
Rebound!
Okay,
50 to 8
good game.
Good, 'cause now's when we play Rugby.
Heads-up!
We've been doing this all wrong.
Blindly attempting experiments
without any data.
What the heck is this?
A sports aptitude program.
I just plug in all my personal
info, and the program
will tell me exactly what
sport I'm best suited for.
Maybe you should try
Jacks!
Oh, it's hopeless.
I'm no good at anything.
Tino, that was amazing.
That that's no big deal.
I do it all the time.
Don't you see?
Horseshoes.. !
Why didn't we think of this before?
He's great at Skootball!
Yeah, he's got no problem with aim.
As long as it isn't combined with any kind
of physical exertion whatsoever.
It's perfect.
Unless
Check the list!
It's on the list.
It's on the list!
Yayy!
Be kind, my little rubber friend.
Here we go.
Whoa!
It's no use.
I'm a klutz.
That's okay.
This is practice.
Nobody gets Horseshoes
right the first time.
Well, I did.
But, you know, you can't hold
yourself to my standard.
Perish the thought.
No mas.
No mas.
One ringer is only worth three points,
you know.
You need 50 to win a game.
Oh, man.
Here, this will cheer you up.
Vegetarian sushi.
It's seaweed and rice wrapped around
seaweed.
And rice.
I worked all day and
only threw one ringer!
What if I totally embarrass
myself at the picnic?
You know how those things are.
It seems so embarrassing now, but
by next week, you won't remember.
Yeah, you're right.
Hang on.
Chloe Montez hit herself in the foot
playing Croquet five years ago,
and everyone still remembers it.
Ooh.
I'm very disappointed in you.
Yeah, but by next week,
you won't remember~
It is a banner day.
Lor won seven events, and I took
first in tennis, thank you --
I got the top award in freestyle swing.
How's it going for you, champ?
I've been practicin' all day.
Check this.
Woohoo!
I da man.. I da man!
Okay, remember we agreed on
that No Saying "I Da Man" rule?
Oh, did I say that out loud.
Alrighty.
I'd like to thank the League of Helpful
Women for all their help with today's picnic.
I'd also like to thank
Cap'n Smacky's Fish Hut,
for providing the
brown food in the pan.
Wasn't it gooood, everyone?
Yees, it waaaas, wasn't it?
Well, it's time to be in
the last event of the day.
Horseshoes.
Tonitini, I'm gonna obliterate you.
Huh, well, you may have
a surprise coming, Laird.
You see, I've been doing,
some practicing.
Oh, I'm sorry, Tino.
No rubber horseshoes.
We play with regulation metal ones.
Metal?
Nice toss.
Why don't you go put on
a skirt and play Jacks?
Jacks?
They're offering Jacks!?
Dude,
that was sarcasm.
Okay,
it's okay, Tino.
You're just gettin' a lil
feel for the weight!
You can do it.
You can.
Yes, you can.
Probably.
Yes!
Yeah!
Yeah!
And the first place ribbon goes to
Laird Princeton of
Campo Fields Middle School.
I think that Laird guy cheated.
Tough break, T.
Sorry, man.
What are you guys talking about?
I did great.
I came in third outta 20!
Yeah..
winning isn't everything.
Man, it's hard to keep a
straight face sayin' that!
Come on, I hear a Chug-a-Freeze
and it is calling our name.
Well, the guys aren't too thrilled.
But I think this picnic was a huge
success.
And they all say winning isn't everything.
But I'm like the only one
who believes that.
This is the first time in my life I ever
finished higher than last in a sport.
And on top of that, I had fun.
So who cares if I didn't win?
Third place rocks!
Yeah.
We agreed,
no air guitar!
Sorry, out loud, bad.
Hey, it's Tino.
Okay, this Sunday is the Bahia Bay
All School Picnic!
Where each year, new
Sports Legends are made.
Where each year, the athletically
inept are publicy humiliated.
Where each year.. I avoid the whole sports
magilla by playing chess all day.
Ima sign up for tennis, cuz man,
I look good in a headband.
I still don't get why
poetry isn't an event,
but I guess I'll sign
up for swimming again.
I'll stick with the usual: soccer,
softball, high jump, long jump,
broad jump, all the races and archery.
And for me..
Hang on..
Where's Chess!?
Mrs Duong, I can't find the
sign-up for Chess!
I'm sorry, Tino.
We had to cancel
Chess this year,
because a warren of rabbits
have made their hutch,
in the chess area.
You'll have to sign-up for something else.
Each student must participate
in at least one event!
But chess is the only
non-athletic event!
If there's no
chess, I'll have to
I'll have to
play sports.. !!
Nooooooo!
Oh man, I totally stink
at all things athletic.
You're not that bad, T.
Oh yeah?
Remember that one time we played soccer?
You, blocked a lot of shots?
Yeah, with my face.
But I think that still counts.
If everyone sees my total lack of sports
ability, I'll never live it down.
I'll go to my grave
regretting this weekend.
Well, on the plus side, it won't
be just kids from our school,
it'll be kids from
all over the county.
Or, would that be, the minus side.. ?
Alright,
don't worry about it, T.
Look, man, it's a whole list of events.
Yeah, we have until Sunday
to find the sport for you!
You're right.
Everything will look brighter tomorrow.
I'm super doomed.
I've hidden my sports
incompetence for my entire life.
That's a challenging task.
Now, I'm going to be outed as a klutz
in front of every kid within 20 miles.
And that's why I'd
like you to tell people
that I broke both my
legs in a blimp accident.
Okay, small problem.
That would be what we call:
a lie!
Oh Mom, lies are very in right now.
Nice try~
Hey,
here's a nutty idea.
Instead of worrying about
what everyone else thinks,
maybe you could just
have fun, at the picnic?
Oh, that's great.
Could you be a little more condescending?
No,
I pretty much maxed out there.
Wow, there's like, literally
a zillion events on this list.
And all we need is one
you're really good at.
Hey, I don't have to be good.
I just want something I won't
be embarrassingly bad at.
Yeah, but you wanna win, right?
Winning isn't everything.
Uh, newsflash?
That's what the losers say.
Let's see.
Let's start with
Golf!
I hit it!
Hey, would you call it a hook or a slice?
Um, there's really no name
for a shot like that.
Okay, golf?
Bad.
Let's try badminton.
I've never seen anyone get
a birdie stuck in his windpipe.
It's a good thing I know
the Heimlich Maneuver!
Badminton?
Bad.
Let's try tetherball.
Tetherball is nothing but
Dodgeball with a Rope.
Eleven sports.
Eleven.
Humiliating failures.
Hey, could Jacks count as a sport?
I don't think so, man.
It's kinda wimpy.
Well, yeah, but maybe we could jazz it up
somehow like, uh
Extreme Jacks!
Hey! Remember we agreed on
that No Air Guitar rule?
Oh, was I doing that out loud?
Hey, maybe you'd be better at team sports.
Yeah, that way you could hide behind
somebody good.
Ohh, right in the feel-bads
Ooh, sorry.
I meant to say well, no, that was what
I meant to say, but I meant to say it nice.
We're gonna play a little Two-on-Two against
a couple of my brothers in their league.
What league are they in?
I've got thirteen brothers.
They have their own league.
I thought you had fourteen brothers?
No, no, no..
Wait.
Yeah.
Huh, I forgot to count
one of the Danny's.
Snaked!
Rebound!
Okay,
50 to 8
good game.
Good, 'cause now's when we play Rugby.
Heads-up!
We've been doing this all wrong.
Blindly attempting experiments
without any data.
What the heck is this?
A sports aptitude program.
I just plug in all my personal
info, and the program
will tell me exactly what
sport I'm best suited for.
Maybe you should try
Jacks!
Oh, it's hopeless.
I'm no good at anything.
Tino, that was amazing.
That that's no big deal.
I do it all the time.
Don't you see?
Horseshoes.. !
Why didn't we think of this before?
He's great at Skootball!
Yeah, he's got no problem with aim.
As long as it isn't combined with any kind
of physical exertion whatsoever.
It's perfect.
Unless
Check the list!
It's on the list.
It's on the list!
Yayy!
Be kind, my little rubber friend.
Here we go.
Whoa!
It's no use.
I'm a klutz.
That's okay.
This is practice.
Nobody gets Horseshoes
right the first time.
Well, I did.
But, you know, you can't hold
yourself to my standard.
Perish the thought.
No mas.
No mas.
One ringer is only worth three points,
you know.
You need 50 to win a game.
Oh, man.
Here, this will cheer you up.
Vegetarian sushi.
It's seaweed and rice wrapped around
seaweed.
And rice.
I worked all day and
only threw one ringer!
What if I totally embarrass
myself at the picnic?
You know how those things are.
It seems so embarrassing now, but
by next week, you won't remember.
Yeah, you're right.
Hang on.
Chloe Montez hit herself in the foot
playing Croquet five years ago,
and everyone still remembers it.
Ooh.
I'm very disappointed in you.
Yeah, but by next week,
you won't remember~
It is a banner day.
Lor won seven events, and I took
first in tennis, thank you --
I got the top award in freestyle swing.
How's it going for you, champ?
I've been practicin' all day.
Check this.
Woohoo!
I da man.. I da man!
Okay, remember we agreed on
that No Saying "I Da Man" rule?
Oh, did I say that out loud.
Alrighty.
I'd like to thank the League of Helpful
Women for all their help with today's picnic.
I'd also like to thank
Cap'n Smacky's Fish Hut,
for providing the
brown food in the pan.
Wasn't it gooood, everyone?
Yees, it waaaas, wasn't it?
Well, it's time to be in
the last event of the day.
Horseshoes.
Tonitini, I'm gonna obliterate you.
Huh, well, you may have
a surprise coming, Laird.
You see, I've been doing,
some practicing.
Oh, I'm sorry, Tino.
No rubber horseshoes.
We play with regulation metal ones.
Metal?
Nice toss.
Why don't you go put on
a skirt and play Jacks?
Jacks?
They're offering Jacks!?
Dude,
that was sarcasm.
Okay,
it's okay, Tino.
You're just gettin' a lil
feel for the weight!
You can do it.
You can.
Yes, you can.
Probably.
Yes!
Yeah!
Yeah!
And the first place ribbon goes to
Laird Princeton of
Campo Fields Middle School.
I think that Laird guy cheated.
Tough break, T.
Sorry, man.
What are you guys talking about?
I did great.
I came in third outta 20!
Yeah..
winning isn't everything.
Man, it's hard to keep a
straight face sayin' that!
Come on, I hear a Chug-a-Freeze
and it is calling our name.
Well, the guys aren't too thrilled.
But I think this picnic was a huge
success.
And they all say winning isn't everything.
But I'm like the only one
who believes that.
This is the first time in my life I ever
finished higher than last in a sport.
And on top of that, I had fun.
So who cares if I didn't win?
Third place rocks!
Yeah.
We agreed,
no air guitar!
Sorry, out loud, bad.