The Weekenders (2000) s02e01 Episode Script
Radio Drama
1
Hey, Tino here!
So, the weekend's just starting,
and guess what we have planned?
Nothin'.
That's right.
From now till bedtime Sunday,
it's just 53 hours of hangin'!
Pretty sweet, huh?
Sometimes you gotta have a weekend where
you do nothing at all.
Not even bathe.
Okay, uh-uh.
Guys, we have to get to work.
Our radio play is due on Monday.
Radio play?
The radio play for the KQXR Contest?
The radio play that could get broadcast
all over town?
The radio play I just signed us up to do
You signed us up to do a radio play?
That's right, dudes.
Prepare to enter the brave new world of
radio broadcasting.
I only wish I'd had an opportunity like
this at your age, dudes.
Hey yowza!
Okay, this is Jan 'The Man' Testaverde.
Local DJ and top contender for the most
annoying human being in existence.
He spoke at assembly today and tried to
sign kids up for this radio play contest.
We spend most of fourth
period making fun of 'em.
Okay, dudes, best of luck at the
fabulous KQXR radio contest.
Seventh grade division.
Remember, if you're good, you could grow
up to be the next Jan the Man.
Hey yowza, dude!
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Yeah, Tish, how could you sign us up for
that guy's contest without asking us?
Yeah, we planned out a whole weekend of
doing nothing.
Not even bathing.
Okay, uh-uh!
Well, obviously, I would have asked you if
there was a chance you'd say yes.
Of course.
It's all clear now.
Look, I need this radio play.
I was reviewing my college application
folder and I don't have anything in the
broadcast art section of the drama section
of the arts and culture section.
Nothing at all?
Come on, this will be good for all of us.
Tino, one time you said you
wanted to be a DJ, right?
And Carver, you're always talking about
becoming famous.
And, Lor, you
You
Well, it'd be good
for most of us.
You know, it does kind of sound like fun.
Yeah, and how hard can radio be if Jan the
Man can do it?
Hey, I know what our play can be!
The story of Znorp the Morth.
Testaverde.
Menace from beyond the stars.
Spreading terror and Yowza, wherever he
goes.
Yowza, dudes.
Take me to your fabulous leader~
Behold his fearsome goatee thingy~
Guys, be serious.
This is gonna be a lot of hard work.
Hard work?
Forget it.
Yeah, hi.
Weekend, hard work bad.
Well, if you'd like, I could write the
script and direct and do everything.
Well, yeah, that'd be great.
Perfect.
I'm in charge.
We will meet tomorrow at 0600 hours.
Lateness will not be tolerated.
Do you guys have that horrible mistake
feeling, too?
Good morning, cast.
I have here my verr own adaptation of
a novel from my parents' homeland.
"The Sea Never Says I'm Sorry."
By Uvar Grove La Mejist.
Wow.
Just hearing you say that name makes my
tongue hurt.
What is it, like, 200 pages?
I thought the place for this contest was
supposed to be five minutes long.
You're right.
We'll have to keep the pace brisk.
Anyway, let's get to it.
I've moved the events of the
novel to the antebellum south
in order to make it more
appealing to the radio audience.
I hope you put in a few car chases and
explosions, too.
Like, pow pow pow pow.
Tino, center.
You play Big Ash.
The aging but tyrannical patriarch of the
Phillips family.
Did you just say Big "Ash"?
Lor.
You are the high-strung spinster aunt
Levan, as pathetic as she is.
Huh?
Carver.
You'll be Elmer Green, the charming
interloper of dubious character.
I can do charming.
I, of course will be the beautiful
but reckless Celeste, who will stop
at nothing to escape this
bitter web of corruption.
Got it?
Absolutely not.
Good.
We're behind!
Let's move, people.
We're burnin' daylight.
Scoot scoot scoot scoot.
After all these years, I finally feel
truly alive.
Um,
that was great, Lor.
But do you think you could try reading it
with some, you know, emotion?
Oh, sure, right?
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Okay.
After all these years, I
finally feel truly alive.
Great.
One more time.
After all these years, I
finally feel truly alive.
Okay.
We'll come back to this scene.
Maybe.
Let's move to the scene where Big Ash
confronts Elmer in his study.
Your attentions to my daughter
are not welcome, sir.
I think that's for her to decide.
I am not a man to whom people say no.
I am a man
who would like a slice of pizza!
Me too.
Let's go.
Ah!
No one's going anywhere.
We're not even up to
the third dream sequence!
Hey.
This is a radio play, right?
Indeed.
Then why are we all in full costume?
No one's gonna see us.
How can I direct if you're going to pick
pick pick at every little decision I make?
Query.
What is my character's motivation
in the fight scene?
He's thinking about winning the fight.
No, no, nono, nonono.
That doesn't make any sense.
Just read the lines, okay?
Fine.
Your lordly heirs and noble heritage don't
count for much now, do they, old man?
Can't you see, Papa?
It's over.
Over.
Don't fight, please, she screams.
No, no, no.
You're supposed to actually scream.
You're terrified.
This is so unprofessional.
I'll be in my trailer.
That's my closet, Olivier.
A real actor can make the audience
believe a closet is a trailer.
I'm thinkin' we should
take that pizza break.
We've at least got to
get to the big storm scene.
Ah, look around.
I think we're there.
Evan, bring the shovel.
Come on, come on.
We gotta get back through the run-through!
I can't work under these conditions.
You're stifling my creativity.
Hey, you were the only one who wanted to
do this radio play in the first place!
Now you're taking a kind of un-fun thing
and making it seriously un-fun.
Tish, I don't know if you noticed,
but this isn't working.
We've all.. had it.
So you're backing out?
Oh, beauty.
If you guys didn't want to do this,
why didn't you just say so?
Um, we did.
Oh, somebody has an answer for everything.
Doesn't she!?
Look, you're in maximum control freak
mode.
It's too much, okay?
You're the ones who wanted
me to do all the work!
But that doesn't mean we wanted
you to boss us around.
If that's the way you feel, fine!
Well, on the one hand, we probably just
made our best friend mad at us for life.
On the other hand,
we don't have to do the play~
I guess it's a fair trade-off.
- Tish, wait up.
- Hang on.
Look, we know this play is important to
you, but it's making us miserable.
Maybe we can meet each other halfway?
I'm positive we can work it out.
Let's run through this one more time?
Tish wanted to do the play.
Yep.
We didn't want to do the play.
Yep.
And now we're back doin' the play.
Yep.
So, how exactly does this
qualify as meeting halfway?
There's a simple answer to that question.
Do you know what it is?
Nope.
Sorry, I'm late.
I was doing a few minor rewrites.
Here you go.
A few minor rewrites?
What'd you do?
Cut out all the consonants?
I made some trims.
Now, let's all turn to page one,
shall we?
"The Sea Never Says I'm Sorry."
A drama in one act.
Go now?
Okay.
My, this is a foul winter
even for Minnesota.
Minnesota?
That Southern Gothic stuff is over, y'know?
Let's pick it up on your first line,
go.
Oh, yeah, this is a foul winter even for
Minnesota, eh?
After all these years,
I finally feel truly alive.
Golly gee.
I see Levon is still under the zombie curse.
Good fix, Tish.
Shh!
Papa, a strange, odd stranger
would like to talk to ya,
for he's just proposed to me,
don'tcha know now?
Proposed?
Already?
But what happened to the barn
burning and the carriage accident?
Cut, cut, cut!
I told you I made some trims.
Now we have to start all over.
Papa, there's a storm comin'.
Uh, sounds more like a vacuum cleaner.
Oh, sorry, forgot about your little radio
thing.
Hey, you guys want some tofu crunchies?
No. Thank. You.
Ma'am.
Whoa, Frosty~
Your home-spun midwestern wisdom and ice-fishing
trophies don't count for much now, do they, ol' man?
Oh, can't you see, Papa?
It's over, over.
Don't fight, please, she screams.
Oh, wait, was that where I was supposed to
really scream?
That does it!
This is impossible!
I give up!
I'll be in my trailer.
Oh, come on, Tish, it'll be fine.
No, it won't.
I'm a failure, as a playwright,
as a director, as an auteur!
It's our fault.
We should never let you do everything
yourself.
It's not your fault.
I wanted to do it all.
I've been such a jerk.
No, no, no.
Well, yeah, a little.
But the rest of us haven't made it any
easier.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Why can't it just be fun?
Maybe it can.
Maybe all we need is a little
Hey, Yowza!
Dudes, bow down before Znorp, the Morth.
Yeah, menace from beyond the stars~
Spreading terror and Yowza,
wherever he goes!
Dudes, our seventh grade winners
are Tino, Carver, Lor, and Tish!
Hey, Yowza!
You know what?
It's so great that we won.
But what's really important is that we had
fun.
Yeah, and now I have something to put in the broadcast art section of the
drama section of the arts and culture section of my college application folder.
And now, Tino's final thought.
Yeah, Tish got kinda carried away.
But she learned that a play is team
effort, you know?
I mean, you can't let one person do all
the work.
And if you do it together, it can be
pretty fun.
Of course, the best thing about this
weekend is that Carver finally perfected
his highly unflattering
impression of Jan the Man.
Hey, Yowza, dudes!
Ha!
Okay, later days.
Hey, Tino here!
So, the weekend's just starting,
and guess what we have planned?
Nothin'.
That's right.
From now till bedtime Sunday,
it's just 53 hours of hangin'!
Pretty sweet, huh?
Sometimes you gotta have a weekend where
you do nothing at all.
Not even bathe.
Okay, uh-uh.
Guys, we have to get to work.
Our radio play is due on Monday.
Radio play?
The radio play for the KQXR Contest?
The radio play that could get broadcast
all over town?
The radio play I just signed us up to do
You signed us up to do a radio play?
That's right, dudes.
Prepare to enter the brave new world of
radio broadcasting.
I only wish I'd had an opportunity like
this at your age, dudes.
Hey yowza!
Okay, this is Jan 'The Man' Testaverde.
Local DJ and top contender for the most
annoying human being in existence.
He spoke at assembly today and tried to
sign kids up for this radio play contest.
We spend most of fourth
period making fun of 'em.
Okay, dudes, best of luck at the
fabulous KQXR radio contest.
Seventh grade division.
Remember, if you're good, you could grow
up to be the next Jan the Man.
Hey yowza, dude!
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Yeah, Tish, how could you sign us up for
that guy's contest without asking us?
Yeah, we planned out a whole weekend of
doing nothing.
Not even bathing.
Okay, uh-uh!
Well, obviously, I would have asked you if
there was a chance you'd say yes.
Of course.
It's all clear now.
Look, I need this radio play.
I was reviewing my college application
folder and I don't have anything in the
broadcast art section of the drama section
of the arts and culture section.
Nothing at all?
Come on, this will be good for all of us.
Tino, one time you said you
wanted to be a DJ, right?
And Carver, you're always talking about
becoming famous.
And, Lor, you
You
Well, it'd be good
for most of us.
You know, it does kind of sound like fun.
Yeah, and how hard can radio be if Jan the
Man can do it?
Hey, I know what our play can be!
The story of Znorp the Morth.
Testaverde.
Menace from beyond the stars.
Spreading terror and Yowza, wherever he
goes.
Yowza, dudes.
Take me to your fabulous leader~
Behold his fearsome goatee thingy~
Guys, be serious.
This is gonna be a lot of hard work.
Hard work?
Forget it.
Yeah, hi.
Weekend, hard work bad.
Well, if you'd like, I could write the
script and direct and do everything.
Well, yeah, that'd be great.
Perfect.
I'm in charge.
We will meet tomorrow at 0600 hours.
Lateness will not be tolerated.
Do you guys have that horrible mistake
feeling, too?
Good morning, cast.
I have here my verr own adaptation of
a novel from my parents' homeland.
"The Sea Never Says I'm Sorry."
By Uvar Grove La Mejist.
Wow.
Just hearing you say that name makes my
tongue hurt.
What is it, like, 200 pages?
I thought the place for this contest was
supposed to be five minutes long.
You're right.
We'll have to keep the pace brisk.
Anyway, let's get to it.
I've moved the events of the
novel to the antebellum south
in order to make it more
appealing to the radio audience.
I hope you put in a few car chases and
explosions, too.
Like, pow pow pow pow.
Tino, center.
You play Big Ash.
The aging but tyrannical patriarch of the
Phillips family.
Did you just say Big "Ash"?
Lor.
You are the high-strung spinster aunt
Levan, as pathetic as she is.
Huh?
Carver.
You'll be Elmer Green, the charming
interloper of dubious character.
I can do charming.
I, of course will be the beautiful
but reckless Celeste, who will stop
at nothing to escape this
bitter web of corruption.
Got it?
Absolutely not.
Good.
We're behind!
Let's move, people.
We're burnin' daylight.
Scoot scoot scoot scoot.
After all these years, I finally feel
truly alive.
Um,
that was great, Lor.
But do you think you could try reading it
with some, you know, emotion?
Oh, sure, right?
Yeah, yeah, got it.
Okay.
After all these years, I
finally feel truly alive.
Great.
One more time.
After all these years, I
finally feel truly alive.
Okay.
We'll come back to this scene.
Maybe.
Let's move to the scene where Big Ash
confronts Elmer in his study.
Your attentions to my daughter
are not welcome, sir.
I think that's for her to decide.
I am not a man to whom people say no.
I am a man
who would like a slice of pizza!
Me too.
Let's go.
Ah!
No one's going anywhere.
We're not even up to
the third dream sequence!
Hey.
This is a radio play, right?
Indeed.
Then why are we all in full costume?
No one's gonna see us.
How can I direct if you're going to pick
pick pick at every little decision I make?
Query.
What is my character's motivation
in the fight scene?
He's thinking about winning the fight.
No, no, nono, nonono.
That doesn't make any sense.
Just read the lines, okay?
Fine.
Your lordly heirs and noble heritage don't
count for much now, do they, old man?
Can't you see, Papa?
It's over.
Over.
Don't fight, please, she screams.
No, no, no.
You're supposed to actually scream.
You're terrified.
This is so unprofessional.
I'll be in my trailer.
That's my closet, Olivier.
A real actor can make the audience
believe a closet is a trailer.
I'm thinkin' we should
take that pizza break.
We've at least got to
get to the big storm scene.
Ah, look around.
I think we're there.
Evan, bring the shovel.
Come on, come on.
We gotta get back through the run-through!
I can't work under these conditions.
You're stifling my creativity.
Hey, you were the only one who wanted to
do this radio play in the first place!
Now you're taking a kind of un-fun thing
and making it seriously un-fun.
Tish, I don't know if you noticed,
but this isn't working.
We've all.. had it.
So you're backing out?
Oh, beauty.
If you guys didn't want to do this,
why didn't you just say so?
Um, we did.
Oh, somebody has an answer for everything.
Doesn't she!?
Look, you're in maximum control freak
mode.
It's too much, okay?
You're the ones who wanted
me to do all the work!
But that doesn't mean we wanted
you to boss us around.
If that's the way you feel, fine!
Well, on the one hand, we probably just
made our best friend mad at us for life.
On the other hand,
we don't have to do the play~
I guess it's a fair trade-off.
- Tish, wait up.
- Hang on.
Look, we know this play is important to
you, but it's making us miserable.
Maybe we can meet each other halfway?
I'm positive we can work it out.
Let's run through this one more time?
Tish wanted to do the play.
Yep.
We didn't want to do the play.
Yep.
And now we're back doin' the play.
Yep.
So, how exactly does this
qualify as meeting halfway?
There's a simple answer to that question.
Do you know what it is?
Nope.
Sorry, I'm late.
I was doing a few minor rewrites.
Here you go.
A few minor rewrites?
What'd you do?
Cut out all the consonants?
I made some trims.
Now, let's all turn to page one,
shall we?
"The Sea Never Says I'm Sorry."
A drama in one act.
Go now?
Okay.
My, this is a foul winter
even for Minnesota.
Minnesota?
That Southern Gothic stuff is over, y'know?
Let's pick it up on your first line,
go.
Oh, yeah, this is a foul winter even for
Minnesota, eh?
After all these years,
I finally feel truly alive.
Golly gee.
I see Levon is still under the zombie curse.
Good fix, Tish.
Shh!
Papa, a strange, odd stranger
would like to talk to ya,
for he's just proposed to me,
don'tcha know now?
Proposed?
Already?
But what happened to the barn
burning and the carriage accident?
Cut, cut, cut!
I told you I made some trims.
Now we have to start all over.
Papa, there's a storm comin'.
Uh, sounds more like a vacuum cleaner.
Oh, sorry, forgot about your little radio
thing.
Hey, you guys want some tofu crunchies?
No. Thank. You.
Ma'am.
Whoa, Frosty~
Your home-spun midwestern wisdom and ice-fishing
trophies don't count for much now, do they, ol' man?
Oh, can't you see, Papa?
It's over, over.
Don't fight, please, she screams.
Oh, wait, was that where I was supposed to
really scream?
That does it!
This is impossible!
I give up!
I'll be in my trailer.
Oh, come on, Tish, it'll be fine.
No, it won't.
I'm a failure, as a playwright,
as a director, as an auteur!
It's our fault.
We should never let you do everything
yourself.
It's not your fault.
I wanted to do it all.
I've been such a jerk.
No, no, no.
Well, yeah, a little.
But the rest of us haven't made it any
easier.
Why does this have to be so hard?
Why can't it just be fun?
Maybe it can.
Maybe all we need is a little
Hey, Yowza!
Dudes, bow down before Znorp, the Morth.
Yeah, menace from beyond the stars~
Spreading terror and Yowza,
wherever he goes!
Dudes, our seventh grade winners
are Tino, Carver, Lor, and Tish!
Hey, Yowza!
You know what?
It's so great that we won.
But what's really important is that we had
fun.
Yeah, and now I have something to put in the broadcast art section of the
drama section of the arts and culture section of my college application folder.
And now, Tino's final thought.
Yeah, Tish got kinda carried away.
But she learned that a play is team
effort, you know?
I mean, you can't let one person do all
the work.
And if you do it together, it can be
pretty fun.
Of course, the best thing about this
weekend is that Carver finally perfected
his highly unflattering
impression of Jan the Man.
Hey, Yowza, dudes!
Ha!
Okay, later days.