The West Wing s03e15 Episode Script
Dead Irish Writers
Previously on The West Wing: You broke some laws.
You should be ashamed of yourself You're gonna get asked questions and tell the truth.
And I was almost sure I saw you giving the president an injection of something.
You're not a medical expert, you didn't keep records you violated medical practices.
And most important, you're his wife which is a violation of the AMA's ethics code.
It is becoming clear what the president's biggest liability will be.
- What? - You.
- Do you like these earrings? - I do.
- You wanna look at them first? - Are they new? - You've worn them? - Yeah.
I love them.
"Laissez-faire doctrine," 15 letters.
- Social Darwinism.
- No, that's not the answer, see because social Darwinism isn't a doctrine.
It's a force of nature.
The answer is libertarianism.
- I'll be ready in two minutes.
- Take your time.
Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster.
Boo-boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late '70s.
Plus, it's your birthday.
You're old, and you don't move around that fast.
-"Libertarianism" has 14 letters, not 15.
- I know, so I'm shading in the extra box.
- And it's not my birthday.
- It's your birthday week.
It's a week of festivities, like Mardi gras or Lent.
Three letters.
"It may be bitter.
" "Tea," right? -"It may be bitter"? Why"tea"? -"Woman" doesn't fit.
"End," you idiot.
Bitter end.
When the medical board gives the results of the hearing do they slap it up on an x-ray light board? "Here's where the problem is in your testimony, Abbey.
Here and here.
" That's funny.
The other 23 jokes weren't funny.
It's not that they weren't funny.
Just they weren't"ha-ha" funny.
But 12 years of medical school, my life, my work, my future everything, up on the x-ray board, that's comedy.
I know it sounds like you're praising me Oh, shut up.
It's not your life or 12 years of anything, or anything.
They're gonna give you the very least.
They can't give me the very least.
The least they can give me is a letter of concern which is private and unpublished, but that isn't available to me because I fought the case and stood by my convictions.
- Well, that was stupid.
- Do your crossword puzzle.
Standing by your convictions isn't gonna get you anywhere.
This isn't some guy off the street talking.
I'm a very successful politician.
- How many people are at this party? - About 200.
But that was five or six hours ago when it started.
Once more with the passive-aggressive.
Body organ, produces hydrochloric acid.
That's the kidney, right? - Or the lima bean? - Pancreas.
They can't take medical school away from you.
- Jed - Abbey, come here.
I know you're scared but I'm very confident, so you be whatever you want.
Whatever happens, happens tomorrow.
Tonight is your birthday party.
And your earrings are great.
So are your shoes.
So can we, for the love of God, get out of this room? - Good to get that off your chest? - Yeah.
Pheasant and morel consommé.
Miniature ravioli of foie gras and smoked goose confit.
A little canary-melon sorbet as a palate cleanser.
- All served on the finest Lenox china.
- Oh, you planned this all yourself? A '97 Willamette Valley pinot noir, a '94 Hogue Cellars zinfandel.
You really planned this all yourself? I'm like Gatsby, but without the problems.
Listen, we're gonna keep this relaxed, right? I'm not sure I'm up for a lot of first-lady fanfare tonight.
- What? - I wish you'd mentioned that before.
Why? - Ladies and gentlemen, Abbey Bartlet.
- It's gonna be relaxed.
For dessert, we're having kumquat napoleons.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Happy birthday, Mrs.
B.
- Oh, thank you, Josh.
- Amy, a friend.
- Happy birthday.
- You look beautiful.
- Amy.
I'm responsible for the two of you.
I haven't gotten credit yet.
- The jury's still out.
- I hope Donna's coming.
Donna was invited.
All the women of the West Wing.
We're doing a calendar.
- Not sure what's keeping her.
- Abigail! Now it's a party.
Yes, Your Lordship.
- Your breasts are magnificent.
- Oh, thank you, John.
Mr.
President, the first thing that attracted you to Abigail was it her magnificent breasts? - It was.
You know, there are places in the world where it might be rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
- My God! - Really? - Yeah.
Abbey, I bring you warm wishes from Her Royal Majesty.
- That's nice of her.
- I can't deliver the same wishes for you.
- What did I do? Brendan McGann cannot visit the White House.
Look, we knew this was gonna be a thing.
- But it doesn't have to be tonight, right? - No.
I shall take it up with Gerald.
- Who's Gerald? - I'm pretty sure he means Leo.
- You have a new chief of staff? - No.
Well, then, Gerald it is.
Abbey, enjoy your birthday gala.
I shall await a dance.
I won't make you wait long, Your Lordship.
Excellent.
So .
So far, so good.
- Leo? - Yeah.
Do me a favor, would you? Check out a rumor that Robert Nolan, chairman of the New Hampshire Medical Board is gonna recuse himself from Abbey's hearing.
- N-O-L-A-N? - Yeah.
- And what's the source? - I don't know.
But it's coming from the Manchester Union Leader.
Change taxicabs a couple of times.
I don't want the paper knowing we're asking questions.
- That's no problem.
What's going on? - Let's confirm the story first.
- If it's true, bring it to the president.
- Okay.
And one of us Well, you need to talk to Abbey tonight about tomorrow.
- Happy birthday, Abbey.
- I'll get this other thing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Jack Enlow? - No, it's C.
J.
Cregg.
We've met.
And laughed and laughed.
- Is Jack Enlow at the party yet? - I'm not at the party.
If you're gonna start with Enlow, can I send the press home? - I'm not an instigator.
- You are.
I'm on the side of the angels.
I'll say this.
You can wear a tuxedo.
- I know.
- I know you know.
- Good evening.
- Why is Dalton Millgate coming here? - How'd you know he was coming? - How do you think? - Because you know everything.
- Yes.
I had him for a semester.
He's having trouble getting funding for a superconductor.
I told him I'd put him with Jack Enlow.
- You gonna fight with Enlow? - Why does everybody think? - Never mind.
I'm just doing him a favor.
- Okay.
- How you feeling about the first lady? - I was feeling good, and now I'm not.
- Why? - We're checking it out but I think the swing vote's gonna recuse himself.
- President will wanna call him.
- Maybe.
Yeah, he can't.
He can't call him.
It could send us into a whole new thing.
You ever mix politics and the president's family and get a good result? - No.
- Me neither.
I've been at this longer.
Okay.
He can't pick up the phone.
- Isn't it called a supercollider? - Is it? - You called it a superconductor.
- Whatever.
- Keep blood off your shirt.
- I'm not an instigator.
Donna.
What are you doing here? - Are you having a good time? - The party's started.
Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage? - Elegant men and beautiful gowns? - The men are in tuxes.
-"And" beautiful gowns, not"in.
" - What are you doing here? There was a problem when the Secret Service did its check on the guest list.
- A problem with what? - With me.
Donna, you work in the White House.
You fly with the president.
- What's the problem? - I do not know.
- Come into the party.
- I don't think I should.
- Why? - Well, they'll shoot me.
- They wouldn't tell you the problem? - Said they'd get back to me.
- You want me to get into it? - That'd be very nice.
- You look good.
- Thanks.
- Dr.
Millgate.
- Sam.
- It's been a long time.
- Yes.
And now the student becomes the teacher, huh? Not really, no.
Okay.
So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics? - No.
- Why? - You were bad at it.
- No, I wasn't.
Yeah.
- I just needed a little encouragement.
- No.
Congress isn't gonna fund your superconductor.
Supercollider.
Superconducting supercollider.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
A 54-mile tunnel 150 feet belowground, in which protons and antiprotons would be flung into each other at the speed of light.
- Can you remember that? - Yes.
Because when you talk about it you shouldn't sound like an idiot.
There's no lobby for this, Sam.
There's no presence in Washington.
It's just me coming to see you.
That's how seriously the government takes it.
- Well, Congress spent 2 billion.
- I know.
But all they did was clear the land and build a lab.
We need the thing.
- Now, is he there? - The senator? Yeah.
- Because you said he'd be at the party.
- He's there.
- Go talk to him.
- Okay.
I said I'd do this, but it's likely he's gonna say this is an unaffordable luxury.
We're losing the race for discovery, Sam.
For discovery.
Tonight, it's just me and you.
- That doesn't really sound like enough.
- No.
- What hotel you staying at? - I'm not staying at a hotel.
- Where can I call you? - I'll be right here.
- It's not like a drive-up window - You're wasting time.
Okay.
Charlie.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm gonna need you later.
- Sure.
- I wanna work on my toast.
- Want Sam or Toby? - I don't need help writing.
I can write a damn toast.
I just wanna say it out loud.
- Any warm body is fine.
- Thank you, sir.
- When I give you the signal, we'll go.
- What's the signal? It'll be something like,"Charlie, we're gonna work on the toast.
" - Excuse me.
- You finally got here.
I think Abbey's gonna pull a hamstring about tomorrow.
- You mind if I talk to her a little bit? - About what? You know, what she should be saying tomorrow.
- I'm feeling all right about it.
- Just in case.
I don't know.
She's pretty pissed.
- Yeah, but at you, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Did she like the fanfare? - Loved it.
Okay.
Josh.
- Chuck.
- Good to see you.
- You're friends with the first lady? - My wife.
- Oh, sure.
You know Amy Gardner? - Just by reputation.
- I thought you were great on Crossfire.
- I don't think I was on Crossfire.
- I meant Josh.
- Actually, you meant Sam.
- I heard it was you.
- As long as you heard I was great.
Listen, you've still got my number, right? - About the thing? - Yeah.
- Nice meeting you.
- Good seeing you, Chuck.
"About the thing"? - You guys pulling a heist? - No.
Come on.
Let me in on the action.
I can be a dame.
I won't blow the whistle, get you cheesed.
No, Mugsy.
Chuck Kane heads Intergovernmental Affairs at Treasury and he wants a job on the campaign as deputy political director.
- Is he gonna get it? - I don't think so.
- Who else are you considering? - Mark Rothman and Robbie Gill.
What? I was thinking Mark and Robbie are funny names for women.
- They're men.
- I know.
They happen to be men.
They happen to be men.
You're not hiring enough women in senior positions for the campaign.
- How do you know? - Because it's my job to know.
We're in a dangerous area.
If women were the only voters the Democrats would win in a landslide every time.
If men were the only voters, the GOP would be the left-wing party.
Women will be 60 percent of the vote.
Don't you think they should make up Let me tell you why this is a dangerous area.
Because I can't make decisions based on the fact that I like your smooth skin.
You're right.
- Don't try and trick me.
- You're right.
This should be off-limits.
I apologize.
- You're trying to trick me.
- No.
I'll be scared for the rest of the night.
- Hey, what happened to Donna? - Donna.
Yes.
Excuse me.
- Josh.
- Yeah.
Where's the president? He went with Charlie to work on his toast.
I'm gonna need a few minutes of uninterrupted time - Gerald! - Yeah.
Gerald, old sock.
- Gotta go.
- Yeah.
Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.
- How are you, John? - I'm well.
But McGann cannot come to the White House.
Hang on.
Toby.
- You know Toby Ziegler.
- Yeah.
We've met on occasion.
Toby, come here.
- Lord John Marbury.
- Yes.
Good evening, Your Lordship.
Well, good evening.
Yes.
Talk to him about McGann.
- You object to him coming? - My objections are irrelevant.
Her Majesty's government has objections.
- Which are? - He's a terrorist.
Hang on a second.
Sinn Féin is a political party, in fact, the oldest in Ireland.
- And the political wing of the IRA.
- Sir A terrorist cell.
You are honoring a man at your St.
Patrick's Day dinner allied with car bombers and murderers of British soldiers.
This, not to mention, Irish men, women and children.
You are doing it to appease Democrats from New York City and Boston.
- He's not being honored, just invited.
- He shouldn't be given a visa.
And I think we have to be careful how we use the word"terrorist.
" - Can I call you John? - I am John, Lord Marbury Earl of Croy, Marquis of Needham and Dolby Baronet of Brycey, England's ambassador to the United States.
And a terrorist is a terrorist even if he wears a green necktie and sings"Danny Boy.
" Yes, you can call me John.
You feel like a drink? Yeah.
I was looking for some Lagavulin.
- It's a 16-year-old Islay single malt.
- I know Lagavulin.
They usually have it here.
Let's go down the street.
They keep a bottle there.
Lead on.
Excuse me.
- Senator.
- Yes? - Sam Seaborn.
- Sure.
- Wondering if you had a moment.
- I promised my wife a dance.
This will just take a moment.
I've an eminent physicist in my office.
- Dr.
Millgate.
You've heard of him? - Yes.
He asked me about the supercollider.
I didn't have any answers - It's dead.
- It is? - As a Greek poet.
- I'm sure there are live poets in Greece.
- Could you tell me how it died? - I don't know.
You're a ranking member of the authorizing subcommittee.
- How can you not know? - It was put on anonymous hold.
- That only applies to nominations.
- You're wrong.
- Anyone can hold any bill for any reason.
- I don't understand.
- How long does the objection last? - Until the senator loses.
You just tell your floor leader.
- That's insane.
- Says you.
This isn't a duck hunter with a gripe in my office.
It's Dalton Millgate.
- Who's blocking the damn supercollider? - It'd compromise the anonymous hold.
It would compromise autocratic obstructionism.
We're talking about the Senate, the saucer that cools the coffee.
- And the drain that swallows it, sir.
- Check around.
- I'm on record in favor of it.
- Thank God the hold's anonymous.
- It's you.
- Sam.
- You really care about the supercollider? - I didn't before.
It's a long night, and we're not done yet.
Go dance with your wife.
- Hi.
- They covered the arrivals on the news.
Everyone looked so nice.
And happy.
I brought you some food.
- What's going on? - I don't have all the answers but it's pretty weird so far.
What? Secret Service says there's an INS notation next to your name.
- What kind of notation? - U.
S.
citizen: N.
- They're saying I'm not a U.
S.
citizen? - No - Yes.
- I don't understand.
- They're saying - I'm a U.
S.
citizen.
Born in Minnesota, moved to Wisconsin, now I live in Washington.
What happened? - A mistake of some kind.
- You think? We're sorting it out.
I've voted in every election I paid taxes as a citizen of this country.
I have a birth certificate and a passport.
- It'll just take a few more minutes.
- You brought food? Olives.
- Go away.
- All right.
- Give me the olives.
- Okay.
I'd kind of like to wait until we know something for sure before we start planning.
- Yeah.
The thing is, though, the first day's important.
What I'd like to do, for instance, is schedule a public event show we're not scared.
- What about a comment? - You'll make a comment.
But body language is gonna be just as important.
Can't hang your head.
You gotta smile, but you'll look smug You've gotta And there can't be Obviously, there can't be no reaction.
What about the campaign? I'm not gonna tell a man's wife she can't campaign.
I don't know what that means.
I think we can get a lot of use out of you in targeted Democratic areas.
Big cities, evening fundraisers.
We'll keep you out of the South.
- Can we talk about this tomorrow? - We need to How about tomorrow? - It's important.
- A lot of things are important.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
Enjoy the party.
Thank you.
"I've known my wife, Abbey, for nearly 150 years.
" I won't do that.
She won't think that's funny.
Yeah.
Okay, I should Yeah.
Okay.
"Thank you all for being here tonight.
" By the way, do you know where the term"toast" comes from? - Can I say something, sir? - Yeah.
I'd stick to Mrs.
Bartlet and not get into etymology I was talking to you.
The Stuarts.
They'd put a piece of toast in your wine cup to improve the flavor.
In 1643, members of the Middle Temple toasted Princess Elizabeth by pledging to die in her service.
Hey, that could be the button.
- Excuse me.
- I haven't seen you all night.
I've been tracking something down.
- Charlie.
- Yes, sir.
- What is it? - A piece in the Manchester Union Leader.
"Sources close to Robert Nolan of the New Hampshire Medical Board predict that he will announce his recusal from the case" No, damn it.
"because of his relationship with the Bartlets.
" What does this mean? We think the board was evenly divided and Nolan was the deciding vote, which is what dictated a lot of it.
- Damn it! - There was a personal relationship.
They worked together for 20 years.
I appointed him to the board.
- Excuse me, sir.
- C.
J.
, you should probably tell Abbey.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
The Union Leader says Nolan's gonna recuse himself.
What's gonna happen? They're gonna suspend her license for a year.
- We just talked for a little bit.
- And? I don't think you need to be concerned about her leaving you for me.
I was pretty concerned.
She's definitely leaving you for somebody Will you leave me alone.
I'm trying to be a husband, and your mojo's getting all over me.
Marbury's sitting with Toby.
- This is Brendan McGann, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know what to say about that.
- I'll see you inside.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Josh.
- Good evening, ma'am.
I'm sorry to do this at a party.
This is a list of names I'd like you to consider for deputy political director.
We got it down to a few finalists.
Yeah, I'd like you to add these names.
I notice these are all women.
Women are 60 percent of our vote, Josh.
Don't you think they should make up 40 percent of our campaign staff? - I'm sorry? I said, women are 60 percent of our vote.
Don't you think? Yeah.
- You'll get on it? - Yes, ma'am.
Having a good time? You bet.
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you, ma'am, and so do you.
I need to speak with you for a second.
- This can't be good.
- No, I'm afraid not.
Abbey, The Union Leader's got sources saying Dr.
Nolan's gonna recuse himself from the case.
- Claudia Jean.
- Yes, ma'am.
Let's get drunk.
Okay.
- Hey, it's a list of women.
- Yes, it is.
- She got right on it.
- Yes, she did.
- You love me? - You went over my head and you did it behind my back.
- Quite the contortionist am I.
What position is Abbey Bartlet in to know anything? Amy.
- Yes, ma'am.
- C.
J.
and I are gonna get drunk.
- Come on.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You're going? - First lady asked me to booze with her.
- I want to write a book one day.
- Amy You're beeping.
- All right, listen.
- Yes.
Well, first of all, you're not allowed to smoke in the White House.
- You're kidding.
- No.
And the search for civilization continues.
Come outside.
I need you to tell me everything you can about the supercollider.
- How much time we have? - About 10 minutes.
If you pay close attention, stay quiet, I can teach you how to spell it.
Listen, this is what I do.
I get things fast.
- Since when? - What is it? It's a machine that reveals the origins of matter.
I'm assuming from the look on your face you couldn't tell me what matter is.
There's a lot of knowledge out there.
I may have missed some things.
By smashing protons together at very high speeds and temperatures we can re-create the big bang in a laboratory setting.
Creating the kinds of particles that only existed in the first trillionth of a second after the universe was created.
Terrific.
I understood that.
What kind of practical applications does it have? None at all.
- You're not a helpful person.
- Don't have to be.
I have tenure.
Doctor There are no practical applications! Anybody says different is lying.
I need to be able to show him I can paint him as against something.
Children, baseball, fresh air campaign finance.
What does it mean to be against the supercollider? - I don't know where to start.
- Come on.
I really don't.
Listen, what's your motivation? What are you talking about? Well, you did me the favor, and now you're still going.
I have a history with this particular senator.
Well, that's a really stupid-ass reason, Sam.
I like to win.
So this guy ate your Froot Loops - What do you care? - I don't.
- What's your motivation? - I'm a particle physicist.
Not suddenly.
Why now? The budget resolution has to be passed by April 15.
That means the authorizing bill to Senate Appropriations has to go up mid-March.
Now, you can shoehorn a road or a bridge at the last minute but not 12 billion for a supercollider.
Also I have non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
There's something to be said for giving McGann credibility by inviting him.
It strengthens him in dealing with the violent members of his own party.
Degrees of violent.
If we legitimize him, Protestants will wake up and accept they've gotta negotiate.
You were the author of the president's speech at the General Assembly? - There were many authors.
- Of which you were one.
The IRA backed out of its promise to put its weapons beyond use as agreed to in the Good Friday peace accord.
True or false? Until it disarms the IRA and its political representatives in Sinn Féin are a terrorist group.
- True.
- When did it become policy of the United States to negotiate with terrorists? We've had Arafat here, John.
And my heaven, isn't that paying bloody dividends? - It wasn't worth trying? - You're making the mistake of youth.
The president's not a kid.
The country is.
Involving yourself in an old conflict without sufficient regard for history.
Listen to the warning of old friends.
It was Kipling who warned to expect: The blame of those ye better The hate of those ye guard But wasn't it James Joyce who said: "History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake"? Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill, who said: "There is no present or future.
Only the past happening over and over again, now.
" So we should butt out of Ireland until we know what we're doing? I'm saying Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.
- Say, speaking of dead Irish writers - Yes, another drink.
Here we go.
"Awasiwi odanak: Far from the things of man.
" When Jed first took me to his house, which is 25 miles from anywhere he said,"Awasiwi odanak: Far from the things of man.
" - What a jackass.
- I'm gonna open the wine.
The wine is a '95 old vine zinfandel from Hogue Cellars, which belonged to King Boudewijn of Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase: "My husband's an enormous jackass.
" Amy, what are you looking for? Anything I can take notes with.
This is an excellent corkscrew.
It just slides right in there like power steering.
The right tool for the job.
The corkscrew sucks.
Should I call a steward? We don't need to call.
I'm board-certified in thoracic surgery.
And a good thing too.
Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring? He's, you know .
He's adjusting.
Well, let him adjust faster.
Jackass.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, Donna.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Josh was looking for Amy.
She's right here.
Where have you been all night? It's a little tough to explain.
Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron? It turns out I'm not an American citizen so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.
I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't.
INS just clarified the border, and it's now in Manitoba.
- You're not an American? - Missed it by four miles.
- You seem pretty calm about it.
- No, I'm very upset.
I don't know my national anthem.
I've thrown out Canadian pennies.
I've been making fun of the queen.
- I'm sure it'll all work out.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Where are you going? - They've let me into the party.
- Stay and have some wine with us.
- Really? Yeah.
That's very nice of you.
- Probably shouldn't drink, though.
- Don't worry.
- Canadian, huh? - Yeah.
You feel funnier? No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.
- Did it come out? - Next best thing, it's in the bottle.
- We'll decant it.
- Now it's a party.
Yeah.
This is a good bottle of wine.
It's almost made me forget how much cork I swallowed from the first bottle of wine.
I don't understand.
It was good corkscrew, graphite.
- C.
J.
- Stop talking about the corkscrew? - Yeah.
- I wanted to ask you a question but I'm not sure how.
- What? If the most they can give you is a year's suspension, is it? - That big a deal? - Yes.
Yes.
I'm a doctor.
It's not like changing your major.
You, of all people I mean, women talk about their husbands overshadowing their careers.
Mine got eaten.
- Your husband got eaten? - My career.
Yeah.
Well, I'm on dangling modifier patrol.
- What's your problem? - Are you first lady right now? What? Sometimes you like to talk, and I think that's great.
Sometimes you're Abbey and sometimes my boss.
I respect both very much - I'm Abbey.
- Yes, I agree with her.
They take this job away from me, I've got nothing.
I don't have a cat.
I could get one, but I don't have one.
Frankly, I'm not wild about cats.
I don't hate them.
I'm just not .
- I could learn to like them, I guess, if l - C.
J.
You've got a husband and children, a home and a life.
We're talking about one year of not having a medical license.
Jed got censured and that came with no tangible penalty.
It was a banner headline.
He's having a nervous breakdown.
- That's different.
- Why? - Because it is, and you know it.
- I'm first lady again.
- You are first lady, Abbey.
- Yes.
And it's not like it's been a detour from health care.
What, you've expanded Medicare to cover mammograms cancer clinical trials.
That's money that could've gone into Viagra.
You were the one who said"no dice" to cutting infant nutrition programs nursing-home standards - There's plenty of stuff left.
- That's not the point.
- What's the point? - I'm a doctor.
- Mrs.
Bartlet, you were also a doctor when your husband said,"Give me the drugs and don't tell anybody.
" Oh, my God.
You switched back to first lady.
- That's all right.
- I'm so sorry, Mrs.
Bartlet.
It's okay.
He took the censure standing up.
I was very proud to have voted for him that day.
Me too.
Let's get back to the party.
Okay, here we go.
Time is tight.
That's when the juices get flowing.
I'm not sure we have time for juices, sir.
- I could tell the story of the ditchdigger.
- Sure.
- You know the story? - I do not.
Abbey and I are walking, we see a ditchdigger.
I said,"You glad you married me? You could have married him.
" She said,"Jed, if I'd married him, he'd be president.
" - What do you think? - No.
Why? It seems like a story about how cool you are.
It is.
- Do you love her? - Very deeply.
- That'll work fine.
- No, it won't.
In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could've used 10 just isn't trying hard.
Let's keep at it.
The darkness in our sunshine, the shadow on our souls the biblical sins of the fathers.
For Americans, it's slavery.
Slavery is your original sin.
That and your unfortunate history with your aborigines.
Native Americans.
For the English, it's Ireland.
Well, they've given us a couple U.
S.
presidents a lot of Boston Democrats and half the New York City Police.
Not to mention the song, "Yankee Doodle Dandy.
" Yeah.
Centuries of home rule foiled by English conservatives or Ulster Orangemen immortal martyrs, secret tribunals leading to public hangings followed by war, followed by followed by, followed by .
Wouldn't you say we were doing you a favor? By intervening? That's the act of a friend.
What is left to do but talk? What could be better for that wounded place than sitting down and talking? - Not to talk to Brendan McGann.
- We can't choose who.
- Of course you can't.
- Then, what can we do but talk to him? Nothing.
You must talk to him.
What? Toby, despite appearances, I do have lucid moments.
And I know that England is running out of turns in this particular .
But as ambassador for Her Majesty's government, I must tell you that Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.
Yes.
Understood, Mr.
Ambassador.
Excellent.
- F.
D.
R.
smoked.
- Yeah.
In the White House, Campobello, everywhere.
Yeah.
- He got re-elected six or seven times.
- Is there no doctor you can see? Next time the Bartlets invite me to a party remind me to bring five assistants and a loaded gun.
You got my note.
All infrastructure projects earmarked for Illinois will be anonymously blocked? Let's play our game.
- Don't make me mad.
- Don't make me laugh.
I couldn't figure out this on-the-record, off-the-record crap until Dr.
Millgate - This is Dr.
Millgate, by the way.
- Churchill smoked.
Until he told me it'll be built in Illinois.
So you have to be for it on-the-record.
Off-the-record, it crowds out all the pork like the Senator Enlow Off-Ramp, Rest Stop, Hotel and Casino.
Don't send me notes anymore.
Sam, screw the Froot Loops.
Senator! I apologize.
I apologize for my tactics and my behavior.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Please don't let that jeopardize, you know .
The subcommittee should have hearings and learned testimony.
I'm a Democrat, Sam.
How's a $20 billion astronomy lecture gonna help elect the president? It won't.
"We've discovered a seamless framework for the universe" isn't a good 30-second spot.
If we could only say what benefit this has.
No one's been able to.
That's because great achievement has no road map.
The x-ray's pretty good, and so is penicillin.
And neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind.
I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless.
And now we have an entire world run by electronics.
Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics.
They couldn't.
They invented them.
Discovery.
- What? - That's the thing that you were Discovery is what That's what this is used for.
It's for discovery.
Even if this thing passed the Senate, it's dead in the House.
Just as long as democracy's not dead in the Senate.
I'll withdraw my anonymous hold.
- Because you're scared of my threat? - Yes.
- Good.
- You think I was a hurdle good luck with the Appropriations Committee.
Thank you.
- See, that wasn't so hard.
- I've gotta get back to the party.
I've gotta get on a train.
- We can get you a room for the night.
- No.
God, Dalton, isn't there anything? Sloan-Kettering or? All right.
Thanks, Sam.
Now you think I'd make a good physicist? No, but you're not bad for government help.
- Mrs.
Bartlet? - Yes.
Excuse me, but I'm so sorry about the way I spoke before.
Oh, don't be.
You were good.
- I've got a surprise for you coming up.
- Really? - Excuse me.
- Yes.
Donna - Actually, first of all, Amy.
- Yes? I understand, and I forgive you.
- You forgive me? - I do.
- What the hell kind of thing is that? - Honey.
Thank you for forgiving me, Josh.
I appreciate that.
- No problem.
- Jackass.
Donna, you're an American again.
INS has a grandfather clause.
If you pass a three-part literacy test an American history exam and fill out a one-page form, you're back.
- My adopted country.
- Wow, Josh.
- I wish you'd mentioned this before.
- Why? - Wow.
- You were very good in there, Donna.
What the hell is going on? I was gone for 45 minutes.
They were all Americans when I left.
I know exactly how you feel, Mr.
President.
I called Nolan.
I know I shouldn't have but the rules are different when it comes to family.
There isn't a man who doesn't understand that.
I also think partiality isn't a vice in this case.
He knows you, and that's a good thing.
He's gonna consider not recusing himself.
I'm gonna voluntarily forfeit my license for the duration of our stay in the White House.
Okay.
I'm gonna do a toast in a minute, and I'll tell the ditch story.
But I wanted to say that I love you very much.
- I love you too, Jethro.
- Don't call me that.
I think I will.
Abigail! - Lord John.
- Abigail, may I grasp your breasts? I'm standing right here.
- You may kiss my cheek.
- Excellent.
- Abbey.
- Oh, Gerald.
I haven't had a chance to say happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Abbey.
Happy birthday, Abbey.
You should be ashamed of yourself You're gonna get asked questions and tell the truth.
And I was almost sure I saw you giving the president an injection of something.
You're not a medical expert, you didn't keep records you violated medical practices.
And most important, you're his wife which is a violation of the AMA's ethics code.
It is becoming clear what the president's biggest liability will be.
- What? - You.
- Do you like these earrings? - I do.
- You wanna look at them first? - Are they new? - You've worn them? - Yeah.
I love them.
"Laissez-faire doctrine," 15 letters.
- Social Darwinism.
- No, that's not the answer, see because social Darwinism isn't a doctrine.
It's a force of nature.
The answer is libertarianism.
- I'll be ready in two minutes.
- Take your time.
Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster.
Boo-boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late '70s.
Plus, it's your birthday.
You're old, and you don't move around that fast.
-"Libertarianism" has 14 letters, not 15.
- I know, so I'm shading in the extra box.
- And it's not my birthday.
- It's your birthday week.
It's a week of festivities, like Mardi gras or Lent.
Three letters.
"It may be bitter.
" "Tea," right? -"It may be bitter"? Why"tea"? -"Woman" doesn't fit.
"End," you idiot.
Bitter end.
When the medical board gives the results of the hearing do they slap it up on an x-ray light board? "Here's where the problem is in your testimony, Abbey.
Here and here.
" That's funny.
The other 23 jokes weren't funny.
It's not that they weren't funny.
Just they weren't"ha-ha" funny.
But 12 years of medical school, my life, my work, my future everything, up on the x-ray board, that's comedy.
I know it sounds like you're praising me Oh, shut up.
It's not your life or 12 years of anything, or anything.
They're gonna give you the very least.
They can't give me the very least.
The least they can give me is a letter of concern which is private and unpublished, but that isn't available to me because I fought the case and stood by my convictions.
- Well, that was stupid.
- Do your crossword puzzle.
Standing by your convictions isn't gonna get you anywhere.
This isn't some guy off the street talking.
I'm a very successful politician.
- How many people are at this party? - About 200.
But that was five or six hours ago when it started.
Once more with the passive-aggressive.
Body organ, produces hydrochloric acid.
That's the kidney, right? - Or the lima bean? - Pancreas.
They can't take medical school away from you.
- Jed - Abbey, come here.
I know you're scared but I'm very confident, so you be whatever you want.
Whatever happens, happens tomorrow.
Tonight is your birthday party.
And your earrings are great.
So are your shoes.
So can we, for the love of God, get out of this room? - Good to get that off your chest? - Yeah.
Pheasant and morel consommé.
Miniature ravioli of foie gras and smoked goose confit.
A little canary-melon sorbet as a palate cleanser.
- All served on the finest Lenox china.
- Oh, you planned this all yourself? A '97 Willamette Valley pinot noir, a '94 Hogue Cellars zinfandel.
You really planned this all yourself? I'm like Gatsby, but without the problems.
Listen, we're gonna keep this relaxed, right? I'm not sure I'm up for a lot of first-lady fanfare tonight.
- What? - I wish you'd mentioned that before.
Why? - Ladies and gentlemen, Abbey Bartlet.
- It's gonna be relaxed.
For dessert, we're having kumquat napoleons.
- Shut up.
- Okay.
- Happy birthday, Mrs.
B.
- Oh, thank you, Josh.
- Amy, a friend.
- Happy birthday.
- You look beautiful.
- Amy.
I'm responsible for the two of you.
I haven't gotten credit yet.
- The jury's still out.
- I hope Donna's coming.
Donna was invited.
All the women of the West Wing.
We're doing a calendar.
- Not sure what's keeping her.
- Abigail! Now it's a party.
Yes, Your Lordship.
- Your breasts are magnificent.
- Oh, thank you, John.
Mr.
President, the first thing that attracted you to Abigail was it her magnificent breasts? - It was.
You know, there are places in the world where it might be rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.
- My God! - Really? - Yeah.
Abbey, I bring you warm wishes from Her Royal Majesty.
- That's nice of her.
- I can't deliver the same wishes for you.
- What did I do? Brendan McGann cannot visit the White House.
Look, we knew this was gonna be a thing.
- But it doesn't have to be tonight, right? - No.
I shall take it up with Gerald.
- Who's Gerald? - I'm pretty sure he means Leo.
- You have a new chief of staff? - No.
Well, then, Gerald it is.
Abbey, enjoy your birthday gala.
I shall await a dance.
I won't make you wait long, Your Lordship.
Excellent.
So .
So far, so good.
- Leo? - Yeah.
Do me a favor, would you? Check out a rumor that Robert Nolan, chairman of the New Hampshire Medical Board is gonna recuse himself from Abbey's hearing.
- N-O-L-A-N? - Yeah.
- And what's the source? - I don't know.
But it's coming from the Manchester Union Leader.
Change taxicabs a couple of times.
I don't want the paper knowing we're asking questions.
- That's no problem.
What's going on? - Let's confirm the story first.
- If it's true, bring it to the president.
- Okay.
And one of us Well, you need to talk to Abbey tonight about tomorrow.
- Happy birthday, Abbey.
- I'll get this other thing.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Jack Enlow? - No, it's C.
J.
Cregg.
We've met.
And laughed and laughed.
- Is Jack Enlow at the party yet? - I'm not at the party.
If you're gonna start with Enlow, can I send the press home? - I'm not an instigator.
- You are.
I'm on the side of the angels.
I'll say this.
You can wear a tuxedo.
- I know.
- I know you know.
- Good evening.
- Why is Dalton Millgate coming here? - How'd you know he was coming? - How do you think? - Because you know everything.
- Yes.
I had him for a semester.
He's having trouble getting funding for a superconductor.
I told him I'd put him with Jack Enlow.
- You gonna fight with Enlow? - Why does everybody think? - Never mind.
I'm just doing him a favor.
- Okay.
- How you feeling about the first lady? - I was feeling good, and now I'm not.
- Why? - We're checking it out but I think the swing vote's gonna recuse himself.
- President will wanna call him.
- Maybe.
Yeah, he can't.
He can't call him.
It could send us into a whole new thing.
You ever mix politics and the president's family and get a good result? - No.
- Me neither.
I've been at this longer.
Okay.
He can't pick up the phone.
- Isn't it called a supercollider? - Is it? - You called it a superconductor.
- Whatever.
- Keep blood off your shirt.
- I'm not an instigator.
Donna.
What are you doing here? - Are you having a good time? - The party's started.
Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage? - Elegant men and beautiful gowns? - The men are in tuxes.
-"And" beautiful gowns, not"in.
" - What are you doing here? There was a problem when the Secret Service did its check on the guest list.
- A problem with what? - With me.
Donna, you work in the White House.
You fly with the president.
- What's the problem? - I do not know.
- Come into the party.
- I don't think I should.
- Why? - Well, they'll shoot me.
- They wouldn't tell you the problem? - Said they'd get back to me.
- You want me to get into it? - That'd be very nice.
- You look good.
- Thanks.
- Dr.
Millgate.
- Sam.
- It's been a long time.
- Yes.
And now the student becomes the teacher, huh? Not really, no.
Okay.
So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics? - No.
- Why? - You were bad at it.
- No, I wasn't.
Yeah.
- I just needed a little encouragement.
- No.
Congress isn't gonna fund your superconductor.
Supercollider.
Superconducting supercollider.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
A 54-mile tunnel 150 feet belowground, in which protons and antiprotons would be flung into each other at the speed of light.
- Can you remember that? - Yes.
Because when you talk about it you shouldn't sound like an idiot.
There's no lobby for this, Sam.
There's no presence in Washington.
It's just me coming to see you.
That's how seriously the government takes it.
- Well, Congress spent 2 billion.
- I know.
But all they did was clear the land and build a lab.
We need the thing.
- Now, is he there? - The senator? Yeah.
- Because you said he'd be at the party.
- He's there.
- Go talk to him.
- Okay.
I said I'd do this, but it's likely he's gonna say this is an unaffordable luxury.
We're losing the race for discovery, Sam.
For discovery.
Tonight, it's just me and you.
- That doesn't really sound like enough.
- No.
- What hotel you staying at? - I'm not staying at a hotel.
- Where can I call you? - I'll be right here.
- It's not like a drive-up window - You're wasting time.
Okay.
Charlie.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm gonna need you later.
- Sure.
- I wanna work on my toast.
- Want Sam or Toby? - I don't need help writing.
I can write a damn toast.
I just wanna say it out loud.
- Any warm body is fine.
- Thank you, sir.
- When I give you the signal, we'll go.
- What's the signal? It'll be something like,"Charlie, we're gonna work on the toast.
" - Excuse me.
- You finally got here.
I think Abbey's gonna pull a hamstring about tomorrow.
- You mind if I talk to her a little bit? - About what? You know, what she should be saying tomorrow.
- I'm feeling all right about it.
- Just in case.
I don't know.
She's pretty pissed.
- Yeah, but at you, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Did she like the fanfare? - Loved it.
Okay.
Josh.
- Chuck.
- Good to see you.
- You're friends with the first lady? - My wife.
- Oh, sure.
You know Amy Gardner? - Just by reputation.
- I thought you were great on Crossfire.
- I don't think I was on Crossfire.
- I meant Josh.
- Actually, you meant Sam.
- I heard it was you.
- As long as you heard I was great.
Listen, you've still got my number, right? - About the thing? - Yeah.
- Nice meeting you.
- Good seeing you, Chuck.
"About the thing"? - You guys pulling a heist? - No.
Come on.
Let me in on the action.
I can be a dame.
I won't blow the whistle, get you cheesed.
No, Mugsy.
Chuck Kane heads Intergovernmental Affairs at Treasury and he wants a job on the campaign as deputy political director.
- Is he gonna get it? - I don't think so.
- Who else are you considering? - Mark Rothman and Robbie Gill.
What? I was thinking Mark and Robbie are funny names for women.
- They're men.
- I know.
They happen to be men.
They happen to be men.
You're not hiring enough women in senior positions for the campaign.
- How do you know? - Because it's my job to know.
We're in a dangerous area.
If women were the only voters the Democrats would win in a landslide every time.
If men were the only voters, the GOP would be the left-wing party.
Women will be 60 percent of the vote.
Don't you think they should make up Let me tell you why this is a dangerous area.
Because I can't make decisions based on the fact that I like your smooth skin.
You're right.
- Don't try and trick me.
- You're right.
This should be off-limits.
I apologize.
- You're trying to trick me.
- No.
I'll be scared for the rest of the night.
- Hey, what happened to Donna? - Donna.
Yes.
Excuse me.
- Josh.
- Yeah.
Where's the president? He went with Charlie to work on his toast.
I'm gonna need a few minutes of uninterrupted time - Gerald! - Yeah.
Gerald, old sock.
- Gotta go.
- Yeah.
Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.
- How are you, John? - I'm well.
But McGann cannot come to the White House.
Hang on.
Toby.
- You know Toby Ziegler.
- Yeah.
We've met on occasion.
Toby, come here.
- Lord John Marbury.
- Yes.
Good evening, Your Lordship.
Well, good evening.
Yes.
Talk to him about McGann.
- You object to him coming? - My objections are irrelevant.
Her Majesty's government has objections.
- Which are? - He's a terrorist.
Hang on a second.
Sinn Féin is a political party, in fact, the oldest in Ireland.
- And the political wing of the IRA.
- Sir A terrorist cell.
You are honoring a man at your St.
Patrick's Day dinner allied with car bombers and murderers of British soldiers.
This, not to mention, Irish men, women and children.
You are doing it to appease Democrats from New York City and Boston.
- He's not being honored, just invited.
- He shouldn't be given a visa.
And I think we have to be careful how we use the word"terrorist.
" - Can I call you John? - I am John, Lord Marbury Earl of Croy, Marquis of Needham and Dolby Baronet of Brycey, England's ambassador to the United States.
And a terrorist is a terrorist even if he wears a green necktie and sings"Danny Boy.
" Yes, you can call me John.
You feel like a drink? Yeah.
I was looking for some Lagavulin.
- It's a 16-year-old Islay single malt.
- I know Lagavulin.
They usually have it here.
Let's go down the street.
They keep a bottle there.
Lead on.
Excuse me.
- Senator.
- Yes? - Sam Seaborn.
- Sure.
- Wondering if you had a moment.
- I promised my wife a dance.
This will just take a moment.
I've an eminent physicist in my office.
- Dr.
Millgate.
You've heard of him? - Yes.
He asked me about the supercollider.
I didn't have any answers - It's dead.
- It is? - As a Greek poet.
- I'm sure there are live poets in Greece.
- Could you tell me how it died? - I don't know.
You're a ranking member of the authorizing subcommittee.
- How can you not know? - It was put on anonymous hold.
- That only applies to nominations.
- You're wrong.
- Anyone can hold any bill for any reason.
- I don't understand.
- How long does the objection last? - Until the senator loses.
You just tell your floor leader.
- That's insane.
- Says you.
This isn't a duck hunter with a gripe in my office.
It's Dalton Millgate.
- Who's blocking the damn supercollider? - It'd compromise the anonymous hold.
It would compromise autocratic obstructionism.
We're talking about the Senate, the saucer that cools the coffee.
- And the drain that swallows it, sir.
- Check around.
- I'm on record in favor of it.
- Thank God the hold's anonymous.
- It's you.
- Sam.
- You really care about the supercollider? - I didn't before.
It's a long night, and we're not done yet.
Go dance with your wife.
- Hi.
- They covered the arrivals on the news.
Everyone looked so nice.
And happy.
I brought you some food.
- What's going on? - I don't have all the answers but it's pretty weird so far.
What? Secret Service says there's an INS notation next to your name.
- What kind of notation? - U.
S.
citizen: N.
- They're saying I'm not a U.
S.
citizen? - No - Yes.
- I don't understand.
- They're saying - I'm a U.
S.
citizen.
Born in Minnesota, moved to Wisconsin, now I live in Washington.
What happened? - A mistake of some kind.
- You think? We're sorting it out.
I've voted in every election I paid taxes as a citizen of this country.
I have a birth certificate and a passport.
- It'll just take a few more minutes.
- You brought food? Olives.
- Go away.
- All right.
- Give me the olives.
- Okay.
I'd kind of like to wait until we know something for sure before we start planning.
- Yeah.
The thing is, though, the first day's important.
What I'd like to do, for instance, is schedule a public event show we're not scared.
- What about a comment? - You'll make a comment.
But body language is gonna be just as important.
Can't hang your head.
You gotta smile, but you'll look smug You've gotta And there can't be Obviously, there can't be no reaction.
What about the campaign? I'm not gonna tell a man's wife she can't campaign.
I don't know what that means.
I think we can get a lot of use out of you in targeted Democratic areas.
Big cities, evening fundraisers.
We'll keep you out of the South.
- Can we talk about this tomorrow? - We need to How about tomorrow? - It's important.
- A lot of things are important.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
Enjoy the party.
Thank you.
"I've known my wife, Abbey, for nearly 150 years.
" I won't do that.
She won't think that's funny.
Yeah.
Okay, I should Yeah.
Okay.
"Thank you all for being here tonight.
" By the way, do you know where the term"toast" comes from? - Can I say something, sir? - Yeah.
I'd stick to Mrs.
Bartlet and not get into etymology I was talking to you.
The Stuarts.
They'd put a piece of toast in your wine cup to improve the flavor.
In 1643, members of the Middle Temple toasted Princess Elizabeth by pledging to die in her service.
Hey, that could be the button.
- Excuse me.
- I haven't seen you all night.
I've been tracking something down.
- Charlie.
- Yes, sir.
- What is it? - A piece in the Manchester Union Leader.
"Sources close to Robert Nolan of the New Hampshire Medical Board predict that he will announce his recusal from the case" No, damn it.
"because of his relationship with the Bartlets.
" What does this mean? We think the board was evenly divided and Nolan was the deciding vote, which is what dictated a lot of it.
- Damn it! - There was a personal relationship.
They worked together for 20 years.
I appointed him to the board.
- Excuse me, sir.
- C.
J.
, you should probably tell Abbey.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
The Union Leader says Nolan's gonna recuse himself.
What's gonna happen? They're gonna suspend her license for a year.
- We just talked for a little bit.
- And? I don't think you need to be concerned about her leaving you for me.
I was pretty concerned.
She's definitely leaving you for somebody Will you leave me alone.
I'm trying to be a husband, and your mojo's getting all over me.
Marbury's sitting with Toby.
- This is Brendan McGann, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know what to say about that.
- I'll see you inside.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Josh.
- Good evening, ma'am.
I'm sorry to do this at a party.
This is a list of names I'd like you to consider for deputy political director.
We got it down to a few finalists.
Yeah, I'd like you to add these names.
I notice these are all women.
Women are 60 percent of our vote, Josh.
Don't you think they should make up 40 percent of our campaign staff? - I'm sorry? I said, women are 60 percent of our vote.
Don't you think? Yeah.
- You'll get on it? - Yes, ma'am.
Having a good time? You bet.
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you, ma'am, and so do you.
I need to speak with you for a second.
- This can't be good.
- No, I'm afraid not.
Abbey, The Union Leader's got sources saying Dr.
Nolan's gonna recuse himself from the case.
- Claudia Jean.
- Yes, ma'am.
Let's get drunk.
Okay.
- Hey, it's a list of women.
- Yes, it is.
- She got right on it.
- Yes, she did.
- You love me? - You went over my head and you did it behind my back.
- Quite the contortionist am I.
What position is Abbey Bartlet in to know anything? Amy.
- Yes, ma'am.
- C.
J.
and I are gonna get drunk.
- Come on.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You're going? - First lady asked me to booze with her.
- I want to write a book one day.
- Amy You're beeping.
- All right, listen.
- Yes.
Well, first of all, you're not allowed to smoke in the White House.
- You're kidding.
- No.
And the search for civilization continues.
Come outside.
I need you to tell me everything you can about the supercollider.
- How much time we have? - About 10 minutes.
If you pay close attention, stay quiet, I can teach you how to spell it.
Listen, this is what I do.
I get things fast.
- Since when? - What is it? It's a machine that reveals the origins of matter.
I'm assuming from the look on your face you couldn't tell me what matter is.
There's a lot of knowledge out there.
I may have missed some things.
By smashing protons together at very high speeds and temperatures we can re-create the big bang in a laboratory setting.
Creating the kinds of particles that only existed in the first trillionth of a second after the universe was created.
Terrific.
I understood that.
What kind of practical applications does it have? None at all.
- You're not a helpful person.
- Don't have to be.
I have tenure.
Doctor There are no practical applications! Anybody says different is lying.
I need to be able to show him I can paint him as against something.
Children, baseball, fresh air campaign finance.
What does it mean to be against the supercollider? - I don't know where to start.
- Come on.
I really don't.
Listen, what's your motivation? What are you talking about? Well, you did me the favor, and now you're still going.
I have a history with this particular senator.
Well, that's a really stupid-ass reason, Sam.
I like to win.
So this guy ate your Froot Loops - What do you care? - I don't.
- What's your motivation? - I'm a particle physicist.
Not suddenly.
Why now? The budget resolution has to be passed by April 15.
That means the authorizing bill to Senate Appropriations has to go up mid-March.
Now, you can shoehorn a road or a bridge at the last minute but not 12 billion for a supercollider.
Also I have non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
There's something to be said for giving McGann credibility by inviting him.
It strengthens him in dealing with the violent members of his own party.
Degrees of violent.
If we legitimize him, Protestants will wake up and accept they've gotta negotiate.
You were the author of the president's speech at the General Assembly? - There were many authors.
- Of which you were one.
The IRA backed out of its promise to put its weapons beyond use as agreed to in the Good Friday peace accord.
True or false? Until it disarms the IRA and its political representatives in Sinn Féin are a terrorist group.
- True.
- When did it become policy of the United States to negotiate with terrorists? We've had Arafat here, John.
And my heaven, isn't that paying bloody dividends? - It wasn't worth trying? - You're making the mistake of youth.
The president's not a kid.
The country is.
Involving yourself in an old conflict without sufficient regard for history.
Listen to the warning of old friends.
It was Kipling who warned to expect: The blame of those ye better The hate of those ye guard But wasn't it James Joyce who said: "History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake"? Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill, who said: "There is no present or future.
Only the past happening over and over again, now.
" So we should butt out of Ireland until we know what we're doing? I'm saying Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.
- Say, speaking of dead Irish writers - Yes, another drink.
Here we go.
"Awasiwi odanak: Far from the things of man.
" When Jed first took me to his house, which is 25 miles from anywhere he said,"Awasiwi odanak: Far from the things of man.
" - What a jackass.
- I'm gonna open the wine.
The wine is a '95 old vine zinfandel from Hogue Cellars, which belonged to King Boudewijn of Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase: "My husband's an enormous jackass.
" Amy, what are you looking for? Anything I can take notes with.
This is an excellent corkscrew.
It just slides right in there like power steering.
The right tool for the job.
The corkscrew sucks.
Should I call a steward? We don't need to call.
I'm board-certified in thoracic surgery.
And a good thing too.
Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring? He's, you know .
He's adjusting.
Well, let him adjust faster.
Jackass.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, Donna.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Josh was looking for Amy.
She's right here.
Where have you been all night? It's a little tough to explain.
Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron? It turns out I'm not an American citizen so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.
I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't.
INS just clarified the border, and it's now in Manitoba.
- You're not an American? - Missed it by four miles.
- You seem pretty calm about it.
- No, I'm very upset.
I don't know my national anthem.
I've thrown out Canadian pennies.
I've been making fun of the queen.
- I'm sure it'll all work out.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Where are you going? - They've let me into the party.
- Stay and have some wine with us.
- Really? Yeah.
That's very nice of you.
- Probably shouldn't drink, though.
- Don't worry.
- Canadian, huh? - Yeah.
You feel funnier? No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.
- Did it come out? - Next best thing, it's in the bottle.
- We'll decant it.
- Now it's a party.
Yeah.
This is a good bottle of wine.
It's almost made me forget how much cork I swallowed from the first bottle of wine.
I don't understand.
It was good corkscrew, graphite.
- C.
J.
- Stop talking about the corkscrew? - Yeah.
- I wanted to ask you a question but I'm not sure how.
- What? If the most they can give you is a year's suspension, is it? - That big a deal? - Yes.
Yes.
I'm a doctor.
It's not like changing your major.
You, of all people I mean, women talk about their husbands overshadowing their careers.
Mine got eaten.
- Your husband got eaten? - My career.
Yeah.
Well, I'm on dangling modifier patrol.
- What's your problem? - Are you first lady right now? What? Sometimes you like to talk, and I think that's great.
Sometimes you're Abbey and sometimes my boss.
I respect both very much - I'm Abbey.
- Yes, I agree with her.
They take this job away from me, I've got nothing.
I don't have a cat.
I could get one, but I don't have one.
Frankly, I'm not wild about cats.
I don't hate them.
I'm just not .
- I could learn to like them, I guess, if l - C.
J.
You've got a husband and children, a home and a life.
We're talking about one year of not having a medical license.
Jed got censured and that came with no tangible penalty.
It was a banner headline.
He's having a nervous breakdown.
- That's different.
- Why? - Because it is, and you know it.
- I'm first lady again.
- You are first lady, Abbey.
- Yes.
And it's not like it's been a detour from health care.
What, you've expanded Medicare to cover mammograms cancer clinical trials.
That's money that could've gone into Viagra.
You were the one who said"no dice" to cutting infant nutrition programs nursing-home standards - There's plenty of stuff left.
- That's not the point.
- What's the point? - I'm a doctor.
- Mrs.
Bartlet, you were also a doctor when your husband said,"Give me the drugs and don't tell anybody.
" Oh, my God.
You switched back to first lady.
- That's all right.
- I'm so sorry, Mrs.
Bartlet.
It's okay.
He took the censure standing up.
I was very proud to have voted for him that day.
Me too.
Let's get back to the party.
Okay, here we go.
Time is tight.
That's when the juices get flowing.
I'm not sure we have time for juices, sir.
- I could tell the story of the ditchdigger.
- Sure.
- You know the story? - I do not.
Abbey and I are walking, we see a ditchdigger.
I said,"You glad you married me? You could have married him.
" She said,"Jed, if I'd married him, he'd be president.
" - What do you think? - No.
Why? It seems like a story about how cool you are.
It is.
- Do you love her? - Very deeply.
- That'll work fine.
- No, it won't.
In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could've used 10 just isn't trying hard.
Let's keep at it.
The darkness in our sunshine, the shadow on our souls the biblical sins of the fathers.
For Americans, it's slavery.
Slavery is your original sin.
That and your unfortunate history with your aborigines.
Native Americans.
For the English, it's Ireland.
Well, they've given us a couple U.
S.
presidents a lot of Boston Democrats and half the New York City Police.
Not to mention the song, "Yankee Doodle Dandy.
" Yeah.
Centuries of home rule foiled by English conservatives or Ulster Orangemen immortal martyrs, secret tribunals leading to public hangings followed by war, followed by followed by, followed by .
Wouldn't you say we were doing you a favor? By intervening? That's the act of a friend.
What is left to do but talk? What could be better for that wounded place than sitting down and talking? - Not to talk to Brendan McGann.
- We can't choose who.
- Of course you can't.
- Then, what can we do but talk to him? Nothing.
You must talk to him.
What? Toby, despite appearances, I do have lucid moments.
And I know that England is running out of turns in this particular .
But as ambassador for Her Majesty's government, I must tell you that Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.
Yes.
Understood, Mr.
Ambassador.
Excellent.
- F.
D.
R.
smoked.
- Yeah.
In the White House, Campobello, everywhere.
Yeah.
- He got re-elected six or seven times.
- Is there no doctor you can see? Next time the Bartlets invite me to a party remind me to bring five assistants and a loaded gun.
You got my note.
All infrastructure projects earmarked for Illinois will be anonymously blocked? Let's play our game.
- Don't make me mad.
- Don't make me laugh.
I couldn't figure out this on-the-record, off-the-record crap until Dr.
Millgate - This is Dr.
Millgate, by the way.
- Churchill smoked.
Until he told me it'll be built in Illinois.
So you have to be for it on-the-record.
Off-the-record, it crowds out all the pork like the Senator Enlow Off-Ramp, Rest Stop, Hotel and Casino.
Don't send me notes anymore.
Sam, screw the Froot Loops.
Senator! I apologize.
I apologize for my tactics and my behavior.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Please don't let that jeopardize, you know .
The subcommittee should have hearings and learned testimony.
I'm a Democrat, Sam.
How's a $20 billion astronomy lecture gonna help elect the president? It won't.
"We've discovered a seamless framework for the universe" isn't a good 30-second spot.
If we could only say what benefit this has.
No one's been able to.
That's because great achievement has no road map.
The x-ray's pretty good, and so is penicillin.
And neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind.
I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless.
And now we have an entire world run by electronics.
Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics.
They couldn't.
They invented them.
Discovery.
- What? - That's the thing that you were Discovery is what That's what this is used for.
It's for discovery.
Even if this thing passed the Senate, it's dead in the House.
Just as long as democracy's not dead in the Senate.
I'll withdraw my anonymous hold.
- Because you're scared of my threat? - Yes.
- Good.
- You think I was a hurdle good luck with the Appropriations Committee.
Thank you.
- See, that wasn't so hard.
- I've gotta get back to the party.
I've gotta get on a train.
- We can get you a room for the night.
- No.
God, Dalton, isn't there anything? Sloan-Kettering or? All right.
Thanks, Sam.
Now you think I'd make a good physicist? No, but you're not bad for government help.
- Mrs.
Bartlet? - Yes.
Excuse me, but I'm so sorry about the way I spoke before.
Oh, don't be.
You were good.
- I've got a surprise for you coming up.
- Really? - Excuse me.
- Yes.
Donna - Actually, first of all, Amy.
- Yes? I understand, and I forgive you.
- You forgive me? - I do.
- What the hell kind of thing is that? - Honey.
Thank you for forgiving me, Josh.
I appreciate that.
- No problem.
- Jackass.
Donna, you're an American again.
INS has a grandfather clause.
If you pass a three-part literacy test an American history exam and fill out a one-page form, you're back.
- My adopted country.
- Wow, Josh.
- I wish you'd mentioned this before.
- Why? - Wow.
- You were very good in there, Donna.
What the hell is going on? I was gone for 45 minutes.
They were all Americans when I left.
I know exactly how you feel, Mr.
President.
I called Nolan.
I know I shouldn't have but the rules are different when it comes to family.
There isn't a man who doesn't understand that.
I also think partiality isn't a vice in this case.
He knows you, and that's a good thing.
He's gonna consider not recusing himself.
I'm gonna voluntarily forfeit my license for the duration of our stay in the White House.
Okay.
I'm gonna do a toast in a minute, and I'll tell the ditch story.
But I wanted to say that I love you very much.
- I love you too, Jethro.
- Don't call me that.
I think I will.
Abigail! - Lord John.
- Abigail, may I grasp your breasts? I'm standing right here.
- You may kiss my cheek.
- Excellent.
- Abbey.
- Oh, Gerald.
I haven't had a chance to say happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Abbey.
Happy birthday, Abbey.