The West Wing s03e16 Episode Script
The U.S. Poet Laureate
Previously on The West Wing: Toby keeps coming back at me with this .
- He says I let the pitch go by.
- What pitch? I smooth myself out publicly.
You're not just folks.
You're not plainspoken.
Do not Do not Do not act like it.
I don't wanna be killed.
Then make this election about smart and not.
Qualified and not.
Make it about a heavyweight.
You're a heavyweight.
-Morning, Mr.
President.
- Good to be talking to you.
-You're in the Map Room this morning? - The Mural Room.
Welcome to Sunrise Cincinnati, sir.
I know you only have a moment and wanna talk about Thursday's prime-time press conference.
Right, and Thursday night we're gonna talk about energy dependence versus independence and cleaner-burning fuels that get up to 80 miles per gallon versus oil-based fuels that pump billions of pounds of pollution into our air and, perhaps just as important, are vulnerable to very volatile price spikes.
We wanna talk about controlling our destiny through innovation instead of relying so heavily on foreign oil.
Okay, now, you mentioned foreign oil Yeah.
65% of the world's oil reserves are in the Mideast.
sending a little less of my money over there, and the only alternative is to use less oil.
Last question, Mr.
President.
Governor Robert Ritchie of Florida likely Republican nominee for the fall campaign in his new book, A Promise to Lead, he says we should be exploring the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve for new sources of energy.
Will this be a hotly contested campaign topic? I hope so, but there's plenty of time for campaigning come fall.
Thursday night is about America's energy future.
Thank you very much, President Jed Bartlet.
It's 12 past the hour.
Don 't go away, we'll be back with traffic - and weather updates.
- We're out.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Thank you, Kim.
- Terry.
- Terry.
I'm sorry.
-That's all right.
- That was my ninth interview.
Are you ready to run against Ritchie? I guess we'll be ready to run against whoever we have to.
What do you think of him? Rob Ritchie? I don't know him very well.
- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
- They wanna talk about Ritchie's book.
- We could talk about my book.
Theory and Design of Macroeconomics in Developing Nations? Okay, sir, we've got 2 minutes and 20 seconds, and it's WKZN in Philadelphia.
- Thanks.
- They say"exploring," you say"drilling.
" There's a 12-point kick with ANWAR between exploring and drilling.
- What else? - Saudi Arabia, bad.
Got it.
- How's it going? - Good.
- Do you have a minute? - Well, that's all I've got.
Could you do me a favor? I got faxed a letter from Tabatha Fortis.
She's not comfortable with dinner next week unless she can chastise the administration for backing off on banning land mines.
It's just a matter of handholding.
Would you ask Sam to talk to her? - I'll do it.
- Sam's more familiar with land mines.
- I'll talk to her.
- Why? Because.
What? Is it possible you've got a little touch of the poet? Or would like a little touch of the poet? Yes.
Okay, then learn something about land mines.
We don't wanna cancel.
300 of the finest minds in the country are coming plus some congressmen.
- I'll be fine.
Knock them dead, de Bergerac.
Okay.
Okay, what? Nothing, I just meant, you know, okay.
We're back from commercial in 20 seconds.
- Drilling/exploring.
- Yes, sir.
- Saudi Arabia, bad.
- Saudi Arabia, very bad.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Why are you smiling? Happiness is my default position.
Joining us now from the Mural Room of the White House is President Bartlet.
- Good morning.
- Morning, thanks for having me.
You wanna talk about Thursday's press conference.
And to shill for my new energy plan to raise fuel economy standards, working with Detroit to develop hybrid cars and using tax incentives to promote alternative energy.
Why is alternative energy important? After a decade of wars with Iraq and the spread of religious extremism in Saudi Arabia, we still rely on this very dangerous, very uncertain region for a quarter of our oil reserves.
And l, for one, wouldn't mind not sending quite so much of my money there.
Wouldn 't that suggest that Florida Governor Robert Ritchie was correct in his book, A Promise to Lead? He says we should open up the Arctic for exploration? Exploring is what Magellan did, and Balboa and Jacques Cousteau.
This is drilling, which is the only way you know if there's oil there and which will forever damage natural treasures like ANWAR.
What about clean coal? That's a term pollsters came up with because it polls higher than regular coal.
We want real cleaner-burning fuels, to control our destiny through innovation.
That's what we'll talk about Thursday night.
Mr.
President, thank you for being with us today.
- My pleasure.
- It's 16 past the hour.
We'll be back with traffic and weather as Wake Up Philadelphia continues.
- Okay.
- That was terrific.
- Leslie, right? - Yes, sir.
- Thanks a lot.
- I mentioned Governor Ritchie's book because I hoped you'd rise to the bait.
There will be plenty of bait in September, October.
- Have you read it? - I'll read it when he does.
- What's your read on him? - I don't know.
I think we might be talking about a.
22 caliber mind in a.
357 Magnum world.
- Okay.
- Okay, thanks again.
Who's next? - You were hot.
- What? When you said that just now, you were hot.
They've got it on B-roll.
- How did the tape get out already? - We were discussing that.
A local AP reporter was at the station.
- They didn't keep it exclusive? - They want their call letters splashed And the networks will carry it tonight.
This is amateur crap, Sam.
How did it happen? - First of all, I wasn't there.
- Who was? My boss, the White House director of communications.
It wasn't his fault either.
It was - He didn't see that the green light was - You're right.
What's first? - I have the briefing room in 20 minutes.
- What are you gonna get? - Is he saying Governor Ritchie's stupid? - Yes.
- No.
-"Yes" is the only answer to that.
Why not,"He has the highest regard for Ritchie believes he's a broad thinker and a dedicated public servant"? It's the Press Briefing Room, not the lmprov.
She can't walk this back.
She'll sound disingenuous at best, naive at worst.
My concern is how the president sounds.
I've got 80 people who don't make the distinction.
If I pretend Ritchie's a nuclear physicist Then don't answer.
Our focus is on energy independence this week.
No, we're focusing on this this week.
I can try a non-apology apology.
Try it.
"The president didn't realize the camera was hot, and he said something he shouldn't have, as we all do from time to time.
" - Nice.
- Yeah.
- It's a head-fake towards contrition.
- And we hold our heads high.
All right.
Good.
We'll see how it goes.
Why is this one so hard to spin? It's the classic Washington scandal.
We screwed up by telling the truth.
All right.
Let's try not to do that that much.
I know.
- What's going on? - Hi, sugar-lips.
- I'm sorry? - Donna struck gold.
- What is it? - Lemon-Lyman.
Com.
- What is it? - Your fan site.
- What? - A website devoted to all things"Josh.
" - You're kidding me.
- No.
- Lemon-Lyman.
Com? - You have fans, Josh.
Not many of them, but what they lack in numbers they make up for in fervor.
- What do they talk about? You on Capital Beat, Meet the Press, U.
S.
News and World Report.
There's a section called "Sightings About Town.
" This is reserved for actual Josh encounters of the third kind.
Most seem to take place in restaurants you've never been to, unless you lead a double life.
- And we know you're not that clever.
- Lemon-Lyman.
Com? Right now we're viewing the section devoted to the"Josh Fantasy Date.
" This, it should be painfully self-explanatory, is where the women and more than a few men, I must say, discuss what they'd do with you if All right, can everybody who doesn't work here please go work where they work.
- I wanna work here now.
You can get this at your own desk.
You better believe it.
See you at lunch.
You've got Senior Senior Staff at the COS then Senior Staff at the Roosevelt Room.
Meeting with the economic team to pre-brief for fed chair then Advance, State and NSC to go over the next 6 months of foreign travel.
Let me look at this thing.
Right.
Yes.
Let me know when C.
J.
's briefing starts.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Good morning, Mr.
President.
- We hearing from Michigan's delegation? - We will.
They'll want assurances, no mandates, no timetables make the whole thing voluntary and industry-led.
Polluters won't write environmental laws.
And the Energy Workers Union? They wanna know it's Saudi jobs we're after.
- It is.
- The money's in raising CAFE standards to 40 miles per gallon, that's the meeting.
- What else? - You're gonna be reprimanded tomorrow night on the House floor.
- For what? It's not nice to call people dumb.
Let me ask you something.
You're pretty dumb, did you take offense? - Look, I did it again.
- Mr.
President? - Yeah.
- She's ready to start.
Seriously, the GOP's lining up a bunch of people for order speeches.
- Calling me impolite? - I guess.
He's here, you can send her in.
Anyway, the whip's got about 150 Democrats ready to rebut.
You have any special preferences? I don't know, I guess the biggest names.
You know what we'd do if we were smart? We wouldn't send anybody.
We'd look so good by not showing up.
Let them whine by themselves.
Morning, C.
J.
-Good morning.
-Was the president saying Governor Ritchie isn 't up to the job of being president? He didn 't realize the camera was hot and said something he shouldn 't have.
- Something we all do from time to time.
- Nice.
Isn 't it early in the season to be going negative? He said something he wouldn 't have if he knew it was gonna be public.
C.
J.
, has he made the same kind of remarks in private? There's a reason they call it private, Stuart.
All right, I'm going back to work.
Is he saying he's smarter than Governor Ritchie? The voters get to make those kinds of judgments.
-C.
J.
! -Yes? Governor Ritchie asked the president to apologize.
Will he? As I said yesterday, he didn't realize the camera was hot and he said something he shouldn't have.
- Katie? - The Ritchie camp is challenging the president to sign a pledge, a promise to run a positive campaign.
While the governor is the presumptive Republican nominee, it's presumptive.
So is the president's renomination.
But more important, the president has been a candidate in seven statewide and national elections, and all have been substantive, issue-based campaign, one reason why voters elected him every time his name has appeared on a ballot.
Phil? You're aware news organizations are trying to obtain Ritchie's transcripts from the University of Florida? - You mean since yesterday? - Yeah.
- No, I wasn't.
- My question is does he feel college transcripts are an accurate barometer of a person's fitness to hold high public office? I've never asked him, but my guess is he feels a person's college transcript is a reasonable barometer for how a person did in college.
The president graduated summa cum laude from the University of Notre Dame majored in American Studies with a minor in theology received a master's and doctorate at London School of Economics and an honorary doctorate in humane letters at Dartmouth where he was a tenured professor.
I myself attended Cal Berkeley, go Bears.
Thank you very much, talk to you later.
Thanks, C.
J.
- All right, so far not bad.
- What's next? - Bud Wachtel's in my office.
- Of course he is.
- Don't give him what he wants.
- I seldom do.
We can't hold a bipartisan summit on bipartisanism.
We'll look ridiculous.
- We're used to that.
- Sam - I won't give him what he wants.
- Is it me, or are Ritchie's people wrong? - It's not you.
- Why keep at it? They won't look good.
"The president was mean to me"? Let it go.
By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears anytime.
- At what? - Logarithms, possibly.
- He's in your office.
- Thank you.
- Congressman.
- It smells of partisanism in the air, Sam.
Actually, you know, they just sprayed for bugs.
How did Ziegler let this happen? First of all, it wasn't Toby's fault, it was mine.
And it happened quickly and we regret it.
- How's reaction been so far? - Our base is very happy but when our base is happy there's usually trouble someplace else.
- Moderates talk of bolting the party.
- Nobody's bolting.
It was an honest mistake.
And by the way, it had nothing to do with partisanism.
- Something has to be done.
- Little can be done from the Communications Office.
- A summit.
- Congressman - A summit on bipartisan cooperation.
- It'll get laughed out of the room.
- Why? - It's election year.
We want partisanism.
- We're trying to beat them.
- I've gotta tell my moderate friends something.
What about a Republican appointment or a promotion? - We've got Ainsley Hayes.
- Name sounds familiar.
She was associate White House counsel, promoted to deputy counsel.
She's slightly to the right of the Kaiser.
- I'd make her visible right now.
- Yes, sir, that's a good idea.
And learn to tell the difference between red and green.
Yes, sir.
Okay then.
- Ginger, I need to see Ainsley.
- She's on vacation.
- When's she coming back? - Next week.
Not so much, no.
- Donna! - Yeah.
We're gonna post a response on the site.
- What site? - Lemon-Lyman - No.
- Yeah, we gotta post a response.
- It's a bad idea.
- Why? - You don't know these people.
- Neither do you.
- I do.
- What's wrong with them? - Nobody knows.
- These people take an interest in government.
They should be applauded.
- Applaud, but stay off the site.
- These are the people talking.
- I'm not an elitist.
- You are.
I am, but I have respect for people who don't measure up.
People on these sites tend to be hysterical.
- We gotta correct something.
- What? Irmatrude writes,"Three nights ago on Nightline, Josh said we'll be asking for a GAO study of Medicare drug pricing.
Apparently, no one's told Josh that only Congress can ask the GAO to do anything.
" How cool is it that they know what the GAO can and can't do.
- Oh, it's cool as all giddyup.
- Sit down.
- Please don't do this.
- Sit down.
Irmatrude thanks for watching me on Nightline.
Yes, I do know that only Congress can instruct the GAO.
When I said,"we'll be asking," I meant Democrats and not the White House.
Thank you for your concern.
Josh"Lemon-Lyman.
" - You sure you wanna sign off like that? - It's playful.
Okay.
You could get more in the spirit of this.
- The people? - Yes.
What Josh doesn't know is that some of these people haven't taken their medication.
Let's watch what happens now.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
You're done.
Is this tie all right? - I'm sorry? - This necktie, does it go with the jacket? God, I don't know, Toby.
The tie, is it red or is it green? Congratulations, you're the 100th person to make that joke.
- The tie's fine.
Why? - I'm meeting someone.
When? Now.
Excuse me.
- Ms.
Fortis? - Yeah.
I'm Toby Ziegler.
I've been thinking a lot about it since you called.
Yeah? There's nothing that rhymes with Ziegler.
- It's why no one writes about me.
- They could write in blank verse.
- Dylan could do it.
- Yeah, but he hasn't yet.
Am I really weird right off the bat? Do you wanna be? - No.
- Then you're not.
I think you're just being nice.
I think if you ask around, you'll discover that's unlikely.
- You wanna come back to my office? - Yeah.
So you know what everybody's talking about out there? The president's open-mike gaffe.
- That's exactly what I was gonna say.
- Toby.
Sam, say hello to the newly minted U.
S.
poet laureate, Tabatha Fortis.
- Hi.
- Yes, indeed.
- Poetry, I must tell you - That's fine.
- Nice meeting you.
- You too.
- You guys poetry fans around here? - Can't get enough of it.
- Oh, yeah? Who's your favorite? - You.
- Nice.
- Come on in.
- Nice office.
- Exactly 63 feet from the Oval Office.
If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.
Okay.
So .
- Hello.
- How you doing? We have a problem? Yes.
We have arranged a dinner in your honor.
We've invited 300 important people.
We've invited press, we've shined our shoes.
You gotta sign the land mine treaty, Toby.
What happened to the nuance of diplomacy? - I'm sorry, the shoes are shined.
- No, we're there now.
- You can't go back.
- Sorry.
- Right.
- 142 countries have signed it.
- Yes.
- You know who hasn't signed it? - Us and Cuba.
- You know who initiated it? Us.
And the nations of the world rallied around it in yet another impressive display of American leadership.
- And then? - We bolted.
- Right.
- The reason we did is because we love anti-personnel land mines.
We love them.
We think the government should be selling them, like the post office.
The post office is the venue we're considering.
- Toby, l - It's Korea, Tabatha.
There are 900,000 North Korean soldiers in the DMZ.
The only thing stopping them from walking into South Korea are 37,000 U.
S.
troops and about a million land mines along the border.
We have said over and over that we would be thrilled to sign this treaty if we could have an exemption for South Korea, and we have been rebuffed.
Rebuffed, I say.
Look, so we disagree on this.
Clearly.
What's the big deal? - It's not a big deal at all.
- Except? If you voice your disagreement at a party in your honor hosted by the president, with the press in attendance then it's a gigantic deal which travels the 63 feet right to this office.
All right then.
I'm sorry we can't have the party.
But I like talking to you.
Yeah, you're cute and I love the way you write.
C.
J.
, could you give it to us unvarnished? Was the president calling Governor Ritchie stupid? - Oh, my God, day three.
- Was he? - I think this one may be unspinable.
And that's saying something coming from my office.
Yeah, he was calling him stupid.
How has his mood been the last few days? Does he regret it? He hasn't been able to feed or bathe himself.
The governor's doing a 10-state tour.
His campaign indicates they'll try to rally the nation around his clean campaign pledge.
A quote,"A different kind of politics is sweeping the nation.
Once the president understands the American people he'll have no choice but to sign the pledge.
" Mark, I swear to God, as soon as the president needs help understanding the American people he'll call Florida's Republican governor.
But this week, we're focused on the press conference on our National Strategy for Energy Independence.
Speaking of which, we've been dependent on foreign oil for far too long.
from the Gulf, only 3% here at home.
C.
J.
, policy is the president's forte.
Are you guys trying to bait Governor Ritchie into an argument on energy because you'll win? We tried to convince the president that talking about policy was unsportsmanlike, but we didn't get anywhere.
Listen, I've had a lot of fun, I know you have too.
I'll see you later.
Thank you, C.
J.
- C.
J.
- Chuckles.
The president wants another pre-brief and run-through tonight.
- Sure.
- Full-blown run-through.
Maybe then you can explain your problem with drilling ANWAR for oil.
If we wanna be energy-independent, what's wrong with drilling in Alaska? It'll do huge and lasting damage to the environment and won't reap that much oil.
- It won't impact the environment.
You won't know how much is there until you explore.
- Explore? - Yes.
- You mean drill? - That's how you get where the oil is at.
- You've been reading his book.
- Excuse me? -A Promise to Lead, Ritchie's book.
- Whoever ghosted it isn't bad.
Carol, put together a page on the impact of drilling the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.
Note exactly how many caribou we've made unhappy.
- Thank you.
- You bet.
Come in.
- Hey, welcome back.
- What? - How was the vacation? - It was 40 hours long.
- Where did you go? - Hilton Head.
What did you do? I unpacked and then I packed.
By the way, congratulations.
Babish is promoting you to deputy.
- When did this happen? - Right after I told Bud Wachtel that we already had.
- What the hell is going on? Well, Monday morning there was a little incident during the satellite interviews.
I read about it.
How could you let something like that happen? Okay, for everybody who works outside the building, I'll fall on the sword.
But for everybody who works inside, I wasn't there! Okay.
- Didn't get much of a tan.
- What do you need? Capital Beat, Capital Gang, Inside Politics.
- To say what? - The president isn't an elitist.
- He respects everyone.
- That's why he made a Southern Republican a deputy counsel.
- Congratulations, again, by the way.
- He is an elitist.
It's elitist, geocentric, lvy League snobbery to think if you haven't written six journal articles on monetary support mechanisms, you're not fit to lead.
We believe that if you're gonna set policy, it'd be a bonus to understand it.
At this point, we'd be astonished to discover Ritchie had read six journal articles on anything, other than athletic support mechanisms.
There's a difference between intellect and instinct.
you don't think we should elect somebody who's got both? - Presidents can have good advisors.
And good advisors can better advise informed and curious presidents.
But what if the lvy League presidents are surrounded by intellectual snobs? Let's clear up things.
That's the second time you've invoked the Evil 8.
First of all, Notre Dame isn't lvy League.
Their football is independent.
Basketball, in the Big East.
Second, education is important in this White House.
What's wrong with the lvy League? Should we discourage parents from hoping their kids get into Princeton and Yale? All I know is, we got into Vietnam via the Beltway Chapter of the Harvard Alumni Association.
Yeah, except, that's not all you know, because you're bright and curious you worked hard and got into Smith, and got your law degree where? Cambridge, Massachusetts.
You lose, I win, 'twas ever thus.
I was on vacation.
Life's tough in the aluminum siding business.
Check the press office on your TV schedule.
I will do the TV shows because I serve the president.
But I do not want a promotion I didn't earn.
- I'll talk to Babish.
- Let me check the pay differential first.
You bet.
- Toby.
- Yes.
Four networks are carrying the press conference instead of one.
- Are you kidding? - No.
- I guess we shouldn't be surprised.
- No.
- Where you going? - Sightseeing.
- Really? - Tabatha's never been to Washington.
You're gonna get that thing done, or should I? - It's gonna be fine.
- You sure? She's a poet.
She's new to things like consequences.
- Okay.
- All four networks? Listen, I have a crazy thought.
Is it possible? What? Never mind.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
- Donna! - Yeah? - Something weird has happened here.
- What? - Lemon-Lyman - No.
They didn't take my response in the spirit in which it was intended.
- Yeah.
Seems to be a very unusual social structure.
For instance, there's a leader who seems to pride herself on her organizational skills and discipline.
- That's what's called a control freak.
- She does do an awful lot of scolding.
"You posted it in the wrong place.
" "Stay on topic.
" "No capital letters.
" "I don't have time to tell you twice.
" Clearly, she does have time to tell us twice.
But that's not the problem.
"Someone needs to deal with Josh's planet-sized ego by teaching him Government 101.
Who made him overlord of the Democratic Party?" And someone else writes, "Is Josh delusional or is he actively trying to destroy the separation of powers?" - Well, are you? - No! Then turn off the computer, and go back to work.
- I need to clarify my post.
- There's a press conference tomorrow on a new energy policy that you've spent months shepherding down the field.
And now - Sit down in the chair.
- Has the pressure to get the energy pack - Sit down in the chair.
I think you've gone 'round the bend.
I'm dictating now.
I don't think it falls under the category of outrageous to suggest that I might have friends on the other end of the Avenue who have the phone number of the GAO.
Let me put this more plainly.
The White House can get a GAO review of anything it wants without posing a threat to the separation of powers.
And I believe I'll use capital, lowercase or Sanskrit police cuff me and read me Miranda.
- That'll show them.
- These are good people by and large but they're under the thumb of a dictatorial ruler.
So as with a small, Central American country my role is to incite the people to topple her.
You're way 'round the bend.
Can I get you a damp towel? - No, but do we have Yoo-hoo? - Yeah.
- I'll take one.
- I'm on it.
- What are you doing? - Crossing off the FDR Memorial the Atrium and the Folger Library.
I like crossing off lists, it's very satisfying.
Do you like lists? - Yes.
- You like crossing things off? I'll let you know if it happens.
Hey, how did you know what hotel I was at? We have you watched when you're in D.
C.
- Are you serious? - No.
Good.
We always have you watched.
So you know what I was thinking might be fun? If I came to the White House dinner and shut up? That's not what I was gonna say at all.
- What were you gonna say? - If you came to the dinner wore a beautiful dress and shut the hell up.
I got a list of nine former l-Corps commanders who served in Korea who say land mines aren't necessary to protect our troops anywhere.
- We're aware of all nine.
- And we have, do we not other weapons that are more effective and less deadly to our side that are part of a U.
S.
response plan to the North crossing the DMZ? I work in communications.
And land mines would actually slow a counterinvasion.
You have an answer to any of this? The president of the United States requests the honor of your presence and I'm sorry, but you show up.
And I'm sorry, but I tell the truth.
Not every minute of the damn day, Tabatha.
I've seen what I've seen, and I've been told what I've been told and I have an audience with the person who can do something about it.
To smile for a photo-op and recite 64 couplets on the American experience that's treasonous.
- Can we stop with the drama? - Toby - You don't know what you're doing.
This isn't kid's stuff.
If you stand up in the president's face that's the story and nobody will care about what you care about.
Nobody is going to care about what you care about.
And it'll be bad for you, for us, for the land mines.
Everybody.
Can we just not talk for a minute? Yeah.
Yeah.
I gotta give a lecture tomorrow night at Georgetown.
I just need to I need to not talk for a minute.
Yeah.
- Wait a second.
-"Sunny honeymoon" is what you were looking for.
- No, wait a second.
He's absolutely right.
Hang on.
Excuse me.
Sorry for interrupting.
No, keep your seats.
- Leo, you're absolutely right.
- About what? We shouldn't show up.
Tell the whip we wanna yield all our time.
While they complain on camera about me making fun of Ritchie Democrats caucus on literacy and tuition tax credits.
- We wanna yield all our time.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you.
The president begins his press conference at 9 or more accurately, the walk down the red carpet will happen at 9:01:30 per the network's request.
He'll open with his strategy for energy independence.
That will last about 15 minutes, then he'll take questions for 45 minutes.
C.
J.
, a senior official in the communications office of the Ritchie campaign said, "If the president thinks his candidate is stupid, he should just come right out and say so.
" - Really? - Really.
Let's start a pool to guess how long the senior communications official is gonna keep his job if once a day he suggests we call his candidate stupid.
This has to stop.
We're the only ones scoring points and we're not even playing.
Mark? She's got a point there.
Does it concern you that the smartest presidents have been the worst? - I don't grant your premise.
- John Quincy Adams was full of himself.
He could hardly build a coalition around having eggs for breakfast.
Wilson's grand theories on international relations were dead on arrival in Congress.
- I don't care.
- Why? Before I look for anything, I look for a mind at work.
Nobody's saying a president needs to have a tenured chair in semiotics.
- But you have to have - What? -Gravitas.
- And how do you measure that? You don't, but we know it when we see it.
And Republicans tend to mock it when they do.
- You think I'm wrong? - I do not.
No, you don't.
The way I know you don't is I saw you say so on television.
Hey, Toby.
- Why are you here? - The TV isn't working in my office.
- You did good on TV.
- Thanks.
I'll be in my office.
- How's it going with the poet? - I'm not sure.
Does she have a strong history of activism? She has no history of activism.
She said something yesterday.
She was talking about land mines.
She said,"From everything I've seen and everything I've been told" You think she's getting pressure? - Toby? - Yeah? It's someone from Georgetown University.
I think there's a problem.
- The Internet people have gone crazy.
- You're kidding! They're calling the GAO "General Josh's Standing Army" and saying I don't understand its purpose.
They say if I can get a review of anything I should start by reviewing the job of deputy COS.
One guy compares me to a poor man's Clark Clifford and a page and a half of posts debating whether I was mocking Egyptians with the Sanskrit reference.
- I said they're hysterical.
- I thought you meant funny.
- They're not.
- I know! It's Lord of the Flies! - Who invited you in the first place? - It's got my name on it.
Look, I don't wanna hear about it anymore.
- We've got an energy plan in 10 minutes.
- Oh, Josh! - Yeah.
- The Federal Page of The Washington Post called to confirm you're the one who stated on a website that the White House could order a GAO review of anything.
Without threatening the separation of powers.
- You posted on a website? - I was communicating with the people.
Really? C.
J.
, it's a crazy place.
It's got this dictatorial leader who, surely, wears a muumuu and chain-smokes Parliaments.
- Why did you go there in the first place? - It's called Lemon-Lyman.
Com.
Let me explain something to you, this is my field.
The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest.
The muumuu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched.
When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are too.
You're McMurphy.
You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips I didn't swoop.
I came in like everybody else did.
Well, open the wardroom window and climb out before they give you a prefrontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.
- You're Chief Bromden? - Yes, at this moment.
I'm assigning an intern to that website.
They'll check it.
If they discover you've been there I'm gonna shove a motherboard so far up your ass What? - Well, technically, I outrank you.
- So far up your ass! - Okay.
- Okay? - How you doing? - Are we ready? - We are.
- I believe we are.
You wanna walk over? Donna, let's go.
It's time.
- Excuse me.
- Are you Mr.
Ziegler? What happened? Well, she was giving her lecture, and then towards the end, something I don't know.
I think she's okay.
But I asked her if there was anyone I can call.
- Where is she? - She's sitting out on the steps.
Okay, thanks.
Was there any press there tonight? For a poetry lecture? Right.
There was a man in Banja Luka that I met.
He took his son and I to go fishing in the Sava River.
And the little boy hooked a piece of garbage and when he tried to take it off the line, it blew him up.
Right in front of his father, and right in front of me.
What happened tonight? I decided to highlight poets who were never chosen poet laureate because they were too rebellious.
Adrienne Rich, Anne Sexton, Allen Ginsberg.
And I went into"Howl.
" I know"Howl" like you know voting districts.
I saw the best minds Of my generation destroyed by madness Starving hysterical naked Dragging themselves through And then .
What? I couldn't remember anymore.
I couldn't .
You know, I couldn't remember anymore.
You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth.
An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention.
If we stumble into truth, we got lucky.
And I don't get to decide what truth is.
What you said about South Korea makes sense.
You know, people know more than I do.
I shouldn't be .
You know.
I write poetry, Toby, that's how I enter the world.
I was thinking maybe, you know I don't know if you can do this but I was thinking if I could get a few minutes alone with the president so that I can tell him what I saw in Banja Luka.
Then it wouldn't have to be a thing.
You know, the dinner.
And there I could .
I have 64 couplets on the American experience that I think might be appropriate.
Yeah, we can do that.
What's that say? "Meet Tabatha Fortis.
" I have to be at a press conference.
Right.
So as a matter of cold fact, Chipper you'll see it's the porcupine caribou and ANWAR's their calving ground and you can't put a price tag on that.
But that's hardly the point.
- I admit, this is a lot of wildlife.
- Forget the wildlife.
It hurts subsistence hunters in the area, changes migratory patterns in ways we don't know, increases freezing depths of rivers and lakes - And the emissions from drilling.
- Welcome home.
It'll cause pollutant haze, acid rain.
All this in exchange for? - Not a lot of oil to begin with.
- Here we go.
What time is it? - We'll see you inside.
- Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, sir.
C.
J.
- Yes.
- I've been meaning to tell you you've done well with the open-mike thing.
- Thank you.
- Didn't turn out too bad.
No, sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all.
The whole country's talking about if Ritchie's smart enough to be president.
You didn't take a hit because it was an accident.
It occurs to me even your choice of language was interesting.
"A.
22 caliber mind in a.
357 Magnum world" that's unusual for you, a gun metaphor.
Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over the interviewers wanted to talk to you about Ritchie and you took a pass each time.
Until Philadelphia.
Mr.
President, is it possible you saw the green light was on? Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.
That was old-school.
Go knock them dead.
- He says I let the pitch go by.
- What pitch? I smooth myself out publicly.
You're not just folks.
You're not plainspoken.
Do not Do not Do not act like it.
I don't wanna be killed.
Then make this election about smart and not.
Qualified and not.
Make it about a heavyweight.
You're a heavyweight.
-Morning, Mr.
President.
- Good to be talking to you.
-You're in the Map Room this morning? - The Mural Room.
Welcome to Sunrise Cincinnati, sir.
I know you only have a moment and wanna talk about Thursday's prime-time press conference.
Right, and Thursday night we're gonna talk about energy dependence versus independence and cleaner-burning fuels that get up to 80 miles per gallon versus oil-based fuels that pump billions of pounds of pollution into our air and, perhaps just as important, are vulnerable to very volatile price spikes.
We wanna talk about controlling our destiny through innovation instead of relying so heavily on foreign oil.
Okay, now, you mentioned foreign oil Yeah.
65% of the world's oil reserves are in the Mideast.
sending a little less of my money over there, and the only alternative is to use less oil.
Last question, Mr.
President.
Governor Robert Ritchie of Florida likely Republican nominee for the fall campaign in his new book, A Promise to Lead, he says we should be exploring the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve for new sources of energy.
Will this be a hotly contested campaign topic? I hope so, but there's plenty of time for campaigning come fall.
Thursday night is about America's energy future.
Thank you very much, President Jed Bartlet.
It's 12 past the hour.
Don 't go away, we'll be back with traffic - and weather updates.
- We're out.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Thank you, Kim.
- Terry.
- Terry.
I'm sorry.
-That's all right.
- That was my ninth interview.
Are you ready to run against Ritchie? I guess we'll be ready to run against whoever we have to.
What do you think of him? Rob Ritchie? I don't know him very well.
- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
- They wanna talk about Ritchie's book.
- We could talk about my book.
Theory and Design of Macroeconomics in Developing Nations? Okay, sir, we've got 2 minutes and 20 seconds, and it's WKZN in Philadelphia.
- Thanks.
- They say"exploring," you say"drilling.
" There's a 12-point kick with ANWAR between exploring and drilling.
- What else? - Saudi Arabia, bad.
Got it.
- How's it going? - Good.
- Do you have a minute? - Well, that's all I've got.
Could you do me a favor? I got faxed a letter from Tabatha Fortis.
She's not comfortable with dinner next week unless she can chastise the administration for backing off on banning land mines.
It's just a matter of handholding.
Would you ask Sam to talk to her? - I'll do it.
- Sam's more familiar with land mines.
- I'll talk to her.
- Why? Because.
What? Is it possible you've got a little touch of the poet? Or would like a little touch of the poet? Yes.
Okay, then learn something about land mines.
We don't wanna cancel.
300 of the finest minds in the country are coming plus some congressmen.
- I'll be fine.
Knock them dead, de Bergerac.
Okay.
Okay, what? Nothing, I just meant, you know, okay.
We're back from commercial in 20 seconds.
- Drilling/exploring.
- Yes, sir.
- Saudi Arabia, bad.
- Saudi Arabia, very bad.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Why are you smiling? Happiness is my default position.
Joining us now from the Mural Room of the White House is President Bartlet.
- Good morning.
- Morning, thanks for having me.
You wanna talk about Thursday's press conference.
And to shill for my new energy plan to raise fuel economy standards, working with Detroit to develop hybrid cars and using tax incentives to promote alternative energy.
Why is alternative energy important? After a decade of wars with Iraq and the spread of religious extremism in Saudi Arabia, we still rely on this very dangerous, very uncertain region for a quarter of our oil reserves.
And l, for one, wouldn't mind not sending quite so much of my money there.
Wouldn 't that suggest that Florida Governor Robert Ritchie was correct in his book, A Promise to Lead? He says we should open up the Arctic for exploration? Exploring is what Magellan did, and Balboa and Jacques Cousteau.
This is drilling, which is the only way you know if there's oil there and which will forever damage natural treasures like ANWAR.
What about clean coal? That's a term pollsters came up with because it polls higher than regular coal.
We want real cleaner-burning fuels, to control our destiny through innovation.
That's what we'll talk about Thursday night.
Mr.
President, thank you for being with us today.
- My pleasure.
- It's 16 past the hour.
We'll be back with traffic and weather as Wake Up Philadelphia continues.
- Okay.
- That was terrific.
- Leslie, right? - Yes, sir.
- Thanks a lot.
- I mentioned Governor Ritchie's book because I hoped you'd rise to the bait.
There will be plenty of bait in September, October.
- Have you read it? - I'll read it when he does.
- What's your read on him? - I don't know.
I think we might be talking about a.
22 caliber mind in a.
357 Magnum world.
- Okay.
- Okay, thanks again.
Who's next? - You were hot.
- What? When you said that just now, you were hot.
They've got it on B-roll.
- How did the tape get out already? - We were discussing that.
A local AP reporter was at the station.
- They didn't keep it exclusive? - They want their call letters splashed And the networks will carry it tonight.
This is amateur crap, Sam.
How did it happen? - First of all, I wasn't there.
- Who was? My boss, the White House director of communications.
It wasn't his fault either.
It was - He didn't see that the green light was - You're right.
What's first? - I have the briefing room in 20 minutes.
- What are you gonna get? - Is he saying Governor Ritchie's stupid? - Yes.
- No.
-"Yes" is the only answer to that.
Why not,"He has the highest regard for Ritchie believes he's a broad thinker and a dedicated public servant"? It's the Press Briefing Room, not the lmprov.
She can't walk this back.
She'll sound disingenuous at best, naive at worst.
My concern is how the president sounds.
I've got 80 people who don't make the distinction.
If I pretend Ritchie's a nuclear physicist Then don't answer.
Our focus is on energy independence this week.
No, we're focusing on this this week.
I can try a non-apology apology.
Try it.
"The president didn't realize the camera was hot, and he said something he shouldn't have, as we all do from time to time.
" - Nice.
- Yeah.
- It's a head-fake towards contrition.
- And we hold our heads high.
All right.
Good.
We'll see how it goes.
Why is this one so hard to spin? It's the classic Washington scandal.
We screwed up by telling the truth.
All right.
Let's try not to do that that much.
I know.
- What's going on? - Hi, sugar-lips.
- I'm sorry? - Donna struck gold.
- What is it? - Lemon-Lyman.
Com.
- What is it? - Your fan site.
- What? - A website devoted to all things"Josh.
" - You're kidding me.
- No.
- Lemon-Lyman.
Com? - You have fans, Josh.
Not many of them, but what they lack in numbers they make up for in fervor.
- What do they talk about? You on Capital Beat, Meet the Press, U.
S.
News and World Report.
There's a section called "Sightings About Town.
" This is reserved for actual Josh encounters of the third kind.
Most seem to take place in restaurants you've never been to, unless you lead a double life.
- And we know you're not that clever.
- Lemon-Lyman.
Com? Right now we're viewing the section devoted to the"Josh Fantasy Date.
" This, it should be painfully self-explanatory, is where the women and more than a few men, I must say, discuss what they'd do with you if All right, can everybody who doesn't work here please go work where they work.
- I wanna work here now.
You can get this at your own desk.
You better believe it.
See you at lunch.
You've got Senior Senior Staff at the COS then Senior Staff at the Roosevelt Room.
Meeting with the economic team to pre-brief for fed chair then Advance, State and NSC to go over the next 6 months of foreign travel.
Let me look at this thing.
Right.
Yes.
Let me know when C.
J.
's briefing starts.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Good morning, Mr.
President.
- We hearing from Michigan's delegation? - We will.
They'll want assurances, no mandates, no timetables make the whole thing voluntary and industry-led.
Polluters won't write environmental laws.
And the Energy Workers Union? They wanna know it's Saudi jobs we're after.
- It is.
- The money's in raising CAFE standards to 40 miles per gallon, that's the meeting.
- What else? - You're gonna be reprimanded tomorrow night on the House floor.
- For what? It's not nice to call people dumb.
Let me ask you something.
You're pretty dumb, did you take offense? - Look, I did it again.
- Mr.
President? - Yeah.
- She's ready to start.
Seriously, the GOP's lining up a bunch of people for order speeches.
- Calling me impolite? - I guess.
He's here, you can send her in.
Anyway, the whip's got about 150 Democrats ready to rebut.
You have any special preferences? I don't know, I guess the biggest names.
You know what we'd do if we were smart? We wouldn't send anybody.
We'd look so good by not showing up.
Let them whine by themselves.
Morning, C.
J.
-Good morning.
-Was the president saying Governor Ritchie isn 't up to the job of being president? He didn 't realize the camera was hot and said something he shouldn 't have.
- Something we all do from time to time.
- Nice.
Isn 't it early in the season to be going negative? He said something he wouldn 't have if he knew it was gonna be public.
C.
J.
, has he made the same kind of remarks in private? There's a reason they call it private, Stuart.
All right, I'm going back to work.
Is he saying he's smarter than Governor Ritchie? The voters get to make those kinds of judgments.
-C.
J.
! -Yes? Governor Ritchie asked the president to apologize.
Will he? As I said yesterday, he didn't realize the camera was hot and he said something he shouldn't have.
- Katie? - The Ritchie camp is challenging the president to sign a pledge, a promise to run a positive campaign.
While the governor is the presumptive Republican nominee, it's presumptive.
So is the president's renomination.
But more important, the president has been a candidate in seven statewide and national elections, and all have been substantive, issue-based campaign, one reason why voters elected him every time his name has appeared on a ballot.
Phil? You're aware news organizations are trying to obtain Ritchie's transcripts from the University of Florida? - You mean since yesterday? - Yeah.
- No, I wasn't.
- My question is does he feel college transcripts are an accurate barometer of a person's fitness to hold high public office? I've never asked him, but my guess is he feels a person's college transcript is a reasonable barometer for how a person did in college.
The president graduated summa cum laude from the University of Notre Dame majored in American Studies with a minor in theology received a master's and doctorate at London School of Economics and an honorary doctorate in humane letters at Dartmouth where he was a tenured professor.
I myself attended Cal Berkeley, go Bears.
Thank you very much, talk to you later.
Thanks, C.
J.
- All right, so far not bad.
- What's next? - Bud Wachtel's in my office.
- Of course he is.
- Don't give him what he wants.
- I seldom do.
We can't hold a bipartisan summit on bipartisanism.
We'll look ridiculous.
- We're used to that.
- Sam - I won't give him what he wants.
- Is it me, or are Ritchie's people wrong? - It's not you.
- Why keep at it? They won't look good.
"The president was mean to me"? Let it go.
By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears anytime.
- At what? - Logarithms, possibly.
- He's in your office.
- Thank you.
- Congressman.
- It smells of partisanism in the air, Sam.
Actually, you know, they just sprayed for bugs.
How did Ziegler let this happen? First of all, it wasn't Toby's fault, it was mine.
And it happened quickly and we regret it.
- How's reaction been so far? - Our base is very happy but when our base is happy there's usually trouble someplace else.
- Moderates talk of bolting the party.
- Nobody's bolting.
It was an honest mistake.
And by the way, it had nothing to do with partisanism.
- Something has to be done.
- Little can be done from the Communications Office.
- A summit.
- Congressman - A summit on bipartisan cooperation.
- It'll get laughed out of the room.
- Why? - It's election year.
We want partisanism.
- We're trying to beat them.
- I've gotta tell my moderate friends something.
What about a Republican appointment or a promotion? - We've got Ainsley Hayes.
- Name sounds familiar.
She was associate White House counsel, promoted to deputy counsel.
She's slightly to the right of the Kaiser.
- I'd make her visible right now.
- Yes, sir, that's a good idea.
And learn to tell the difference between red and green.
Yes, sir.
Okay then.
- Ginger, I need to see Ainsley.
- She's on vacation.
- When's she coming back? - Next week.
Not so much, no.
- Donna! - Yeah.
We're gonna post a response on the site.
- What site? - Lemon-Lyman - No.
- Yeah, we gotta post a response.
- It's a bad idea.
- Why? - You don't know these people.
- Neither do you.
- I do.
- What's wrong with them? - Nobody knows.
- These people take an interest in government.
They should be applauded.
- Applaud, but stay off the site.
- These are the people talking.
- I'm not an elitist.
- You are.
I am, but I have respect for people who don't measure up.
People on these sites tend to be hysterical.
- We gotta correct something.
- What? Irmatrude writes,"Three nights ago on Nightline, Josh said we'll be asking for a GAO study of Medicare drug pricing.
Apparently, no one's told Josh that only Congress can ask the GAO to do anything.
" How cool is it that they know what the GAO can and can't do.
- Oh, it's cool as all giddyup.
- Sit down.
- Please don't do this.
- Sit down.
Irmatrude thanks for watching me on Nightline.
Yes, I do know that only Congress can instruct the GAO.
When I said,"we'll be asking," I meant Democrats and not the White House.
Thank you for your concern.
Josh"Lemon-Lyman.
" - You sure you wanna sign off like that? - It's playful.
Okay.
You could get more in the spirit of this.
- The people? - Yes.
What Josh doesn't know is that some of these people haven't taken their medication.
Let's watch what happens now.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
You're done.
Is this tie all right? - I'm sorry? - This necktie, does it go with the jacket? God, I don't know, Toby.
The tie, is it red or is it green? Congratulations, you're the 100th person to make that joke.
- The tie's fine.
Why? - I'm meeting someone.
When? Now.
Excuse me.
- Ms.
Fortis? - Yeah.
I'm Toby Ziegler.
I've been thinking a lot about it since you called.
Yeah? There's nothing that rhymes with Ziegler.
- It's why no one writes about me.
- They could write in blank verse.
- Dylan could do it.
- Yeah, but he hasn't yet.
Am I really weird right off the bat? Do you wanna be? - No.
- Then you're not.
I think you're just being nice.
I think if you ask around, you'll discover that's unlikely.
- You wanna come back to my office? - Yeah.
So you know what everybody's talking about out there? The president's open-mike gaffe.
- That's exactly what I was gonna say.
- Toby.
Sam, say hello to the newly minted U.
S.
poet laureate, Tabatha Fortis.
- Hi.
- Yes, indeed.
- Poetry, I must tell you - That's fine.
- Nice meeting you.
- You too.
- You guys poetry fans around here? - Can't get enough of it.
- Oh, yeah? Who's your favorite? - You.
- Nice.
- Come on in.
- Nice office.
- Exactly 63 feet from the Oval Office.
If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.
Okay.
So .
- Hello.
- How you doing? We have a problem? Yes.
We have arranged a dinner in your honor.
We've invited 300 important people.
We've invited press, we've shined our shoes.
You gotta sign the land mine treaty, Toby.
What happened to the nuance of diplomacy? - I'm sorry, the shoes are shined.
- No, we're there now.
- You can't go back.
- Sorry.
- Right.
- 142 countries have signed it.
- Yes.
- You know who hasn't signed it? - Us and Cuba.
- You know who initiated it? Us.
And the nations of the world rallied around it in yet another impressive display of American leadership.
- And then? - We bolted.
- Right.
- The reason we did is because we love anti-personnel land mines.
We love them.
We think the government should be selling them, like the post office.
The post office is the venue we're considering.
- Toby, l - It's Korea, Tabatha.
There are 900,000 North Korean soldiers in the DMZ.
The only thing stopping them from walking into South Korea are 37,000 U.
S.
troops and about a million land mines along the border.
We have said over and over that we would be thrilled to sign this treaty if we could have an exemption for South Korea, and we have been rebuffed.
Rebuffed, I say.
Look, so we disagree on this.
Clearly.
What's the big deal? - It's not a big deal at all.
- Except? If you voice your disagreement at a party in your honor hosted by the president, with the press in attendance then it's a gigantic deal which travels the 63 feet right to this office.
All right then.
I'm sorry we can't have the party.
But I like talking to you.
Yeah, you're cute and I love the way you write.
C.
J.
, could you give it to us unvarnished? Was the president calling Governor Ritchie stupid? - Oh, my God, day three.
- Was he? - I think this one may be unspinable.
And that's saying something coming from my office.
Yeah, he was calling him stupid.
How has his mood been the last few days? Does he regret it? He hasn't been able to feed or bathe himself.
The governor's doing a 10-state tour.
His campaign indicates they'll try to rally the nation around his clean campaign pledge.
A quote,"A different kind of politics is sweeping the nation.
Once the president understands the American people he'll have no choice but to sign the pledge.
" Mark, I swear to God, as soon as the president needs help understanding the American people he'll call Florida's Republican governor.
But this week, we're focused on the press conference on our National Strategy for Energy Independence.
Speaking of which, we've been dependent on foreign oil for far too long.
from the Gulf, only 3% here at home.
C.
J.
, policy is the president's forte.
Are you guys trying to bait Governor Ritchie into an argument on energy because you'll win? We tried to convince the president that talking about policy was unsportsmanlike, but we didn't get anywhere.
Listen, I've had a lot of fun, I know you have too.
I'll see you later.
Thank you, C.
J.
- C.
J.
- Chuckles.
The president wants another pre-brief and run-through tonight.
- Sure.
- Full-blown run-through.
Maybe then you can explain your problem with drilling ANWAR for oil.
If we wanna be energy-independent, what's wrong with drilling in Alaska? It'll do huge and lasting damage to the environment and won't reap that much oil.
- It won't impact the environment.
You won't know how much is there until you explore.
- Explore? - Yes.
- You mean drill? - That's how you get where the oil is at.
- You've been reading his book.
- Excuse me? -A Promise to Lead, Ritchie's book.
- Whoever ghosted it isn't bad.
Carol, put together a page on the impact of drilling the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.
Note exactly how many caribou we've made unhappy.
- Thank you.
- You bet.
Come in.
- Hey, welcome back.
- What? - How was the vacation? - It was 40 hours long.
- Where did you go? - Hilton Head.
What did you do? I unpacked and then I packed.
By the way, congratulations.
Babish is promoting you to deputy.
- When did this happen? - Right after I told Bud Wachtel that we already had.
- What the hell is going on? Well, Monday morning there was a little incident during the satellite interviews.
I read about it.
How could you let something like that happen? Okay, for everybody who works outside the building, I'll fall on the sword.
But for everybody who works inside, I wasn't there! Okay.
- Didn't get much of a tan.
- What do you need? Capital Beat, Capital Gang, Inside Politics.
- To say what? - The president isn't an elitist.
- He respects everyone.
- That's why he made a Southern Republican a deputy counsel.
- Congratulations, again, by the way.
- He is an elitist.
It's elitist, geocentric, lvy League snobbery to think if you haven't written six journal articles on monetary support mechanisms, you're not fit to lead.
We believe that if you're gonna set policy, it'd be a bonus to understand it.
At this point, we'd be astonished to discover Ritchie had read six journal articles on anything, other than athletic support mechanisms.
There's a difference between intellect and instinct.
you don't think we should elect somebody who's got both? - Presidents can have good advisors.
And good advisors can better advise informed and curious presidents.
But what if the lvy League presidents are surrounded by intellectual snobs? Let's clear up things.
That's the second time you've invoked the Evil 8.
First of all, Notre Dame isn't lvy League.
Their football is independent.
Basketball, in the Big East.
Second, education is important in this White House.
What's wrong with the lvy League? Should we discourage parents from hoping their kids get into Princeton and Yale? All I know is, we got into Vietnam via the Beltway Chapter of the Harvard Alumni Association.
Yeah, except, that's not all you know, because you're bright and curious you worked hard and got into Smith, and got your law degree where? Cambridge, Massachusetts.
You lose, I win, 'twas ever thus.
I was on vacation.
Life's tough in the aluminum siding business.
Check the press office on your TV schedule.
I will do the TV shows because I serve the president.
But I do not want a promotion I didn't earn.
- I'll talk to Babish.
- Let me check the pay differential first.
You bet.
- Toby.
- Yes.
Four networks are carrying the press conference instead of one.
- Are you kidding? - No.
- I guess we shouldn't be surprised.
- No.
- Where you going? - Sightseeing.
- Really? - Tabatha's never been to Washington.
You're gonna get that thing done, or should I? - It's gonna be fine.
- You sure? She's a poet.
She's new to things like consequences.
- Okay.
- All four networks? Listen, I have a crazy thought.
Is it possible? What? Never mind.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
- Donna! - Yeah? - Something weird has happened here.
- What? - Lemon-Lyman - No.
They didn't take my response in the spirit in which it was intended.
- Yeah.
Seems to be a very unusual social structure.
For instance, there's a leader who seems to pride herself on her organizational skills and discipline.
- That's what's called a control freak.
- She does do an awful lot of scolding.
"You posted it in the wrong place.
" "Stay on topic.
" "No capital letters.
" "I don't have time to tell you twice.
" Clearly, she does have time to tell us twice.
But that's not the problem.
"Someone needs to deal with Josh's planet-sized ego by teaching him Government 101.
Who made him overlord of the Democratic Party?" And someone else writes, "Is Josh delusional or is he actively trying to destroy the separation of powers?" - Well, are you? - No! Then turn off the computer, and go back to work.
- I need to clarify my post.
- There's a press conference tomorrow on a new energy policy that you've spent months shepherding down the field.
And now - Sit down in the chair.
- Has the pressure to get the energy pack - Sit down in the chair.
I think you've gone 'round the bend.
I'm dictating now.
I don't think it falls under the category of outrageous to suggest that I might have friends on the other end of the Avenue who have the phone number of the GAO.
Let me put this more plainly.
The White House can get a GAO review of anything it wants without posing a threat to the separation of powers.
And I believe I'll use capital, lowercase or Sanskrit police cuff me and read me Miranda.
- That'll show them.
- These are good people by and large but they're under the thumb of a dictatorial ruler.
So as with a small, Central American country my role is to incite the people to topple her.
You're way 'round the bend.
Can I get you a damp towel? - No, but do we have Yoo-hoo? - Yeah.
- I'll take one.
- I'm on it.
- What are you doing? - Crossing off the FDR Memorial the Atrium and the Folger Library.
I like crossing off lists, it's very satisfying.
Do you like lists? - Yes.
- You like crossing things off? I'll let you know if it happens.
Hey, how did you know what hotel I was at? We have you watched when you're in D.
C.
- Are you serious? - No.
Good.
We always have you watched.
So you know what I was thinking might be fun? If I came to the White House dinner and shut up? That's not what I was gonna say at all.
- What were you gonna say? - If you came to the dinner wore a beautiful dress and shut the hell up.
I got a list of nine former l-Corps commanders who served in Korea who say land mines aren't necessary to protect our troops anywhere.
- We're aware of all nine.
- And we have, do we not other weapons that are more effective and less deadly to our side that are part of a U.
S.
response plan to the North crossing the DMZ? I work in communications.
And land mines would actually slow a counterinvasion.
You have an answer to any of this? The president of the United States requests the honor of your presence and I'm sorry, but you show up.
And I'm sorry, but I tell the truth.
Not every minute of the damn day, Tabatha.
I've seen what I've seen, and I've been told what I've been told and I have an audience with the person who can do something about it.
To smile for a photo-op and recite 64 couplets on the American experience that's treasonous.
- Can we stop with the drama? - Toby - You don't know what you're doing.
This isn't kid's stuff.
If you stand up in the president's face that's the story and nobody will care about what you care about.
Nobody is going to care about what you care about.
And it'll be bad for you, for us, for the land mines.
Everybody.
Can we just not talk for a minute? Yeah.
Yeah.
I gotta give a lecture tomorrow night at Georgetown.
I just need to I need to not talk for a minute.
Yeah.
- Wait a second.
-"Sunny honeymoon" is what you were looking for.
- No, wait a second.
He's absolutely right.
Hang on.
Excuse me.
Sorry for interrupting.
No, keep your seats.
- Leo, you're absolutely right.
- About what? We shouldn't show up.
Tell the whip we wanna yield all our time.
While they complain on camera about me making fun of Ritchie Democrats caucus on literacy and tuition tax credits.
- We wanna yield all our time.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you.
The president begins his press conference at 9 or more accurately, the walk down the red carpet will happen at 9:01:30 per the network's request.
He'll open with his strategy for energy independence.
That will last about 15 minutes, then he'll take questions for 45 minutes.
C.
J.
, a senior official in the communications office of the Ritchie campaign said, "If the president thinks his candidate is stupid, he should just come right out and say so.
" - Really? - Really.
Let's start a pool to guess how long the senior communications official is gonna keep his job if once a day he suggests we call his candidate stupid.
This has to stop.
We're the only ones scoring points and we're not even playing.
Mark? She's got a point there.
Does it concern you that the smartest presidents have been the worst? - I don't grant your premise.
- John Quincy Adams was full of himself.
He could hardly build a coalition around having eggs for breakfast.
Wilson's grand theories on international relations were dead on arrival in Congress.
- I don't care.
- Why? Before I look for anything, I look for a mind at work.
Nobody's saying a president needs to have a tenured chair in semiotics.
- But you have to have - What? -Gravitas.
- And how do you measure that? You don't, but we know it when we see it.
And Republicans tend to mock it when they do.
- You think I'm wrong? - I do not.
No, you don't.
The way I know you don't is I saw you say so on television.
Hey, Toby.
- Why are you here? - The TV isn't working in my office.
- You did good on TV.
- Thanks.
I'll be in my office.
- How's it going with the poet? - I'm not sure.
Does she have a strong history of activism? She has no history of activism.
She said something yesterday.
She was talking about land mines.
She said,"From everything I've seen and everything I've been told" You think she's getting pressure? - Toby? - Yeah? It's someone from Georgetown University.
I think there's a problem.
- The Internet people have gone crazy.
- You're kidding! They're calling the GAO "General Josh's Standing Army" and saying I don't understand its purpose.
They say if I can get a review of anything I should start by reviewing the job of deputy COS.
One guy compares me to a poor man's Clark Clifford and a page and a half of posts debating whether I was mocking Egyptians with the Sanskrit reference.
- I said they're hysterical.
- I thought you meant funny.
- They're not.
- I know! It's Lord of the Flies! - Who invited you in the first place? - It's got my name on it.
Look, I don't wanna hear about it anymore.
- We've got an energy plan in 10 minutes.
- Oh, Josh! - Yeah.
- The Federal Page of The Washington Post called to confirm you're the one who stated on a website that the White House could order a GAO review of anything.
Without threatening the separation of powers.
- You posted on a website? - I was communicating with the people.
Really? C.
J.
, it's a crazy place.
It's got this dictatorial leader who, surely, wears a muumuu and chain-smokes Parliaments.
- Why did you go there in the first place? - It's called Lemon-Lyman.
Com.
Let me explain something to you, this is my field.
The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo 's Nest.
The muumuu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched.
When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are too.
You're McMurphy.
You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips I didn't swoop.
I came in like everybody else did.
Well, open the wardroom window and climb out before they give you a prefrontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.
- You're Chief Bromden? - Yes, at this moment.
I'm assigning an intern to that website.
They'll check it.
If they discover you've been there I'm gonna shove a motherboard so far up your ass What? - Well, technically, I outrank you.
- So far up your ass! - Okay.
- Okay? - How you doing? - Are we ready? - We are.
- I believe we are.
You wanna walk over? Donna, let's go.
It's time.
- Excuse me.
- Are you Mr.
Ziegler? What happened? Well, she was giving her lecture, and then towards the end, something I don't know.
I think she's okay.
But I asked her if there was anyone I can call.
- Where is she? - She's sitting out on the steps.
Okay, thanks.
Was there any press there tonight? For a poetry lecture? Right.
There was a man in Banja Luka that I met.
He took his son and I to go fishing in the Sava River.
And the little boy hooked a piece of garbage and when he tried to take it off the line, it blew him up.
Right in front of his father, and right in front of me.
What happened tonight? I decided to highlight poets who were never chosen poet laureate because they were too rebellious.
Adrienne Rich, Anne Sexton, Allen Ginsberg.
And I went into"Howl.
" I know"Howl" like you know voting districts.
I saw the best minds Of my generation destroyed by madness Starving hysterical naked Dragging themselves through And then .
What? I couldn't remember anymore.
I couldn't .
You know, I couldn't remember anymore.
You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth.
An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention.
If we stumble into truth, we got lucky.
And I don't get to decide what truth is.
What you said about South Korea makes sense.
You know, people know more than I do.
I shouldn't be .
You know.
I write poetry, Toby, that's how I enter the world.
I was thinking maybe, you know I don't know if you can do this but I was thinking if I could get a few minutes alone with the president so that I can tell him what I saw in Banja Luka.
Then it wouldn't have to be a thing.
You know, the dinner.
And there I could .
I have 64 couplets on the American experience that I think might be appropriate.
Yeah, we can do that.
What's that say? "Meet Tabatha Fortis.
" I have to be at a press conference.
Right.
So as a matter of cold fact, Chipper you'll see it's the porcupine caribou and ANWAR's their calving ground and you can't put a price tag on that.
But that's hardly the point.
- I admit, this is a lot of wildlife.
- Forget the wildlife.
It hurts subsistence hunters in the area, changes migratory patterns in ways we don't know, increases freezing depths of rivers and lakes - And the emissions from drilling.
- Welcome home.
It'll cause pollutant haze, acid rain.
All this in exchange for? - Not a lot of oil to begin with.
- Here we go.
What time is it? - We'll see you inside.
- Thank you, everyone.
Thank you, sir.
C.
J.
- Yes.
- I've been meaning to tell you you've done well with the open-mike thing.
- Thank you.
- Didn't turn out too bad.
No, sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all.
The whole country's talking about if Ritchie's smart enough to be president.
You didn't take a hit because it was an accident.
It occurs to me even your choice of language was interesting.
"A.
22 caliber mind in a.
357 Magnum world" that's unusual for you, a gun metaphor.
Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over the interviewers wanted to talk to you about Ritchie and you took a pass each time.
Until Philadelphia.
Mr.
President, is it possible you saw the green light was on? Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.
That was old-school.
Go knock them dead.