The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s02e02 Episode Script

Never Song, Feeler Doc, Blue Whale Dick

[ Laughing ] That is so true.
That is so true.
I know, right? You know, I'm having a good time on this date.
-Me too.
That's good.
Oh, you have something there in your teeth.
Oh, really? No, no.
It's right over there.
Over there more.
Over there.
Yeah, right there.
What? That's -- lt's a string.
Oh, my God.
What? Was that in the chicken? lt's long, and it -- Oh, my God! [ Makes groaning sounds ] lt's, like, attached to something.
[ Makes groaning sounds ] What is that? lt's a kidney! Oh, my God! Oh! There's more! That's a heart.
A heart? Maybe you should stop pulling.
[ Groans ] Oh, my.
Oh, geez, lungs! Oh, no! Oh, shit, your brain.
Oh, my God, is that your soul? Are you okay? English Subs : Arkfeller Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Here we go! Here we go! You've had a long day at work.
Slip into something more comfortable.
-Here it goes.
-There goes that.
Yes! Yes! We've got front-row tickets to the tit Olympics.
We're on the 50-yard line at the Boober Bowl.
Yeah, dude! God bless America! lt's a thong.
It's a thong.
We have a thong.
Dude, can you imagine having sex with her? That would be so awesome.
I'm doing it right now.
Me too! Me too! -Oh, my God! -Oh, my God! -Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God! I'm, like, really happy with my life right now.
Yeah, things ended up great.
Are you kidding me? -You're kidding me.
-Are you kidding me? You have got to be kidding.
Does God, like, have a crush on us or something? She's got to know that we're watching.
That's the only explanation.
She knows that we're watching, and she's into it.
You should shine your laser pointer on her.
Whoa! Oops, sorry, sorry! What? Is she? What's wrong? Is she choking? Oh, oh! Is she okay? Should we call somebody? I don't know.
What should we? Oh, she's -- What is she doing? She's not moving.
She's not moving now.
Is she dead? I don't know.
She's just lying there.
-She's not moving at all.
-She's not moving! -Oh, my God.
-What do we do? I don't know.
-Oh, shit.
-Oh, this is bad.
This is bad.
This is bad.
This is bad.
-Here comes the husband.
-Oh, God.
Oh, man.
What is? He's checking her puIse.
Can he help her? Is she okay? Come on, she's got to be.
Oh, man, he should give her CPR or something.
-What's he doing? -What is that? -I don't know.
-That's a gun! Oh, my God.
Oh, no! Oh, bad.
Oh, bad.
This is bad.
This is bad.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, a kid! This is bad.
This is bad.
This is bad.
-Oh, no, don't do it! -Is he gonna kill himself? Oh, no, no, no.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
That kid's gonna kill himself! -The police! -We are screwed! No! What? He didn't do it! He didn't do it! -Are you kidding me? -What the hell? Bad.
This is bad.
Bad, bad, bad, bad.
What is he -- What's going on now? Is he having a heart attack? -Are you serious? -What the hell? -Are you serious? -Now what? -No! Oh, oh, my God! -Oh, my God! -I can't look.
-Oh, my God! I can't look.
-Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, God.
Hey, look, some chick's getting out of the shower.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
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Well, it sure is a starry night out on the old plains.
The cattle are lowing.
The horses are settling in.
And four travel-weary cowboys are sitting around the campfire, just trying to pass the time.
Five travel-weary cowboys.
Sometimes it seems like the sun just couldn't come up quick enough.
Well, shall we start the shows? Man, I don't want to do no show.
What do you mean, you don't want to do a show? That's what you're supposed to be thinking about while we're out riding all day.
We decided that back in Sioux City.
Yeah, I know we decided that.
I just don't feel like doing a show.
Well, if you ain't gonna do a show, then you can't watch our shows.
We got to do a show every night.
How he gonna call hisself a cowboy if come nightfall, he ain't gonna do a show for everybody? You better just spin your ass right around and stare at that prairie, boy.
The hell I am.
The hell you ain't! I got writer's block! I can't come up with an interesting protagonist.
You better start brainstorming some kind of something, or I'll kill you and wear your boots! Sam, if you don't do a show, then each of us, besides the show we do ourselves, only gets to watch two other shows.
Three other shows.
Now, who's going first? I'll go.
All right, God damn it.
All right, now, here's my show.
lt's called ''Daisy Mae and the Most Rascally Horse You Ever Done Seen, episode three.
'' I love Daisy Mae.
Now, y'all may remember that yesterday, Daisy Mae done left her pail down in the shed and had to run fetch it.
So here goes.
I'm Daisy Mae.
Well, I got my pail now.
I guess I'd best go back up to the house and check it out.
Who run around and left the house a mess like a durn tornado came in here? I'll bet it was that rascallious horse.
Who, me? Now, that's just dumb.
I'll kill you and wear your boots! That was my shot arm! And it's gonna keep getting shot if you don't show a proper respect for the performing arts.
Don't listen to him, Kenny.
That was a good show.
Don't let that dumb son of a bitch break your confidence.
Oh, man, that Daisy Mae sure is a wild one.
Yeah, well, youse wait to see what she gets into tomorrow night.
I can't wait! All right, I'm going next.
All right, it's been awhile since we had a musical number in these parts.
Oh, man, we ain't had a dance number since Dallas/Fort Worth.
That's right.
Before I begin, I'd like to ask y'all a favor.
lf you wouldn't mind, picture me all done up like the cutest little Hawaiian hula girl you ever done seen.
Here I go.
[ Spits ] I like to hula for all the strangers in town I like to hula Now, that's just gay! I'll shoot you and wear your boots! How can it be gay if he's a Hawaiian hula girl? You got to pay attention, man.
Go on with your story, Zeke.
No, I'm done.
I don't need no more comments from some fucking peanut gallery.
Now look what you've done.
Now, you go on and get up there, and you give us a damn show.
Actually, it's my turn.
Entertain me, Sam Brown.
-No, because clockwise.
-God damn it! All right, once there were four cowboys Five cowboys! sitting around on a perfectly beautiful night, doing shows for each other.
Now, even though this gang of men had been traveling together for nearly eight months, they only communicated to each other through silly, little parables and stories instead of making real connections.
Only glimmers of who they really were and what they actually felt and dreamt made it through this facade that they had erected.
Gentlemen, this is not a show or a story.
This is real life.
This is us.
Our time is fleeting.
Kenny, are you crying? What? No! I think I just got some pee in my eyes.
That ain't pee.
You're crying.
No, it's pee.
Must be some splashback from earlier.
Did his story make you sad? No, I peed on my face! His story plucked on your heartstrings, and now you're sad.
I ain't sad.
Then let me see your mood ring.
No! Show the three of us your mood ring right now, God damn it.
Fuck this sketch! Give me that, motherfucker.
lt's blue! You're sad! No, it's not.
It's green.
That just means I'm horny.
That is blue.
That means you're sad.
I'm horny! His story made you sad.
His story made me horny.
Shit, man, you're horny.
Fuck it.
I don't care.
All right.
That's all it is.
Just really horny over here.
[ Bell rings ] Fucking guys never fucking paying attention to me.
They didn't even acknowledge my guy! I'm the one that came up with the idea for that son of a bitch! lt was supposed to be all about my guy robbing old trains, and they take it and they make it about stories and mood rings and freaking horseshit! I'm gonna start my own comedy troupe where my guy's always the star and every sketch ends in song.
Yeah, that'll show 'em.
They don't even know what they're talking about.
They're gonna be begging me to be on the Timmy Williams Sketch Group, and everybody's gonna love it, and they're gonna just fucking not know what to do with themselves anymore.
I need the car to go get lunch.
Do you want me to come with you? No, I'm good.
I got it.
Well, did everyone already give you their orders for what they want? Mr.
Hey, Dr.
Filler, thanks for seeing me.
No problem.
How are things going? Things are okay.
Yesterday, I found a lump.
Oh, okay, I see.
I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Most of the time in people your age, these things tend to be benign.
That's a relief.
But where exactly is it? lt's in my testicle.
Oh, oh.
That sucks, man.
That just sucks.
Hey, good luck with that.
I mean -- Yeah, I just thought maybe you could take a look at it before I get all crazy.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
I get -- I see.
I didn't -- You want me to.
Yeah, so.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
I'm your doctor.
That's what I should do.
So we should definitely schedule an appointment.
No, I scheduled the appointment yesterday.
This is the appointment.
Yeah, but we don't have much time left in our -- Would you please take two seconds and feel this so I know if I need to be freaking out here? Feel it? Yeah, feel.
Thank you! -I'm a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
That's what we'll do since you're so set on it.
Just stand up.
Take out your thing or.
Oh! [ Grunts ] Hey, this is not exactly pleasant for me either, okay? Oh, really? Then why did you come in here? -What? -Nothing! Fine, I'll do it 'cause I'm a doctor.
[ Inaudible ] Can you do this now, please? Oh! I touched it.
You're benign.
You're benign.
You're benign.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's totally fine.
That was my thigh.
What? No, it was the thing! lt was my thigh.
[ Screams ] Come on.
[ Screams ] You've done this before, right? -No! -What? I mean, yes.
Hundreds of times.
Then do it.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, I'm gonna do it.
Thank you.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it! Go.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
I did it.
You're fine.
You're fine.
That was my penis.
What? That was -- -Do it! -No! I'm paying you.
[ Screams ] Can we go now, please? Just got to do it.
I'm a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
I am a doctor.
But this does not make me gay.
Of course not! And there is no way this could turn me gay.
No! -Promise? -Yes! Okay.
One, two.
[ Screams ] Thank you.
Am I okay? You're great.
You're fine.
Thank you.
You're stroking.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Well, that's a relief, right? Yeah, yeah.
Hey, I'm off work in, like, two hours, so You like movies? No, I'm gonna go home to my family, thanks.
Oh, oh, going home with your -- to hang out with your mom and dad? My wife and kids.
Oh, I didn't know.
You said ''family.
'' I didn't know if it was like wife or like mom and dad.
How's she? Is she nice? Thank you and good-bye, Dr.
Hey, no problem.
Hey, come back any time.
I love you.
[ Groans ] What'd you do that for? You can see me? [ Laughing ] ANNOUNCER: And now back to ''The McLaughlins!'' Wait a minute.
I wanted to be an artist.
Oh! [ Audience laughing ] [ Sighs ] Stir, stir, stir.
Stir, stir, stir.
[ Audience clapping ] Hey, Mom.
Hey, Michael, you want to hold your horses there? What? Did you do something different there? -What? -What is that? What is what, Ma? What is that on your head, Michael McLaughlin? lt's a blue-whale dick.
I hope it's a temporary blue-whale dick.
No, it's permanent.
Oh, my God! I knew you were gonna be lame about this.
Well, you're gonna go right back to the mall and have them take it off.
No, I'm not, Mom.
lt's surgically grafted.
It's not going anywhere.
Then you are grounded, young man.
Why would you want a blue-whale penis surgically grafted to your head? You have such a nice face, Michael.
You don't know the first thing about being cool! All the other kids' moms Iet them do stuff like this.
Well, all the other kids are not us, okay? [ Noise of fluid being expelled ] [ Audience gasps ] Oh, my God, did you just get whale juice all over my kitchen floor? -Yeah? -Is that thing functional? Yeah, it's functional.
It was expensive.
Shut up! What's up, Mrs.
McLaughlin? Hey, Michael, you ready to go? [ Audience claps ] Caleb Matthews, what is that on your face? I had my lips replaced with a sideways giraffe vagina.
And does your mother know about this? Yeah, she thinks it's pretty far-out.
See? You're gonna feel pretty silly when you're both 70 years old and still have animal genitalia on your faces.
No, we won't.
When we're 70, we'll love 'em even more! A blue-whale penis, honestly! You know those things are endangered? Oh, my God, you're such a hypocrite! How much gas does your SUV use? This is not about the Suburban! Richard, did you see this? Don't give your mom shit about her SUV.
lt makes her happy.
[ Audience laughs ] [ Gagging ] Oh, man, another baby giraffe? [ Audience laughs ] Did that just come out of your mouth? Yes, it just came out of my mouth.
They're functional.
These things are expensive.
I told you that, Mom! Shut up! Bitch! Sorry.
[ Audience boos ] ANNOUNCER: ''The McLaughlins!'' will be right back.