The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s02e03 Episode Script

Weird, Jack and Oswald, Totally Gay for America

Hey, everybody.
It's hot as hell outside today, huh? I'm sweating like some kind of a dago in this -- Whoa! Whoa! Oh, did you guys see that? l just got blindsided by that Jew messenger! Ow! Who's playing football in broad daylight around here, huh? Oh, I've never been in this much pain before.
Now l know how my grandfather felt in the war when he got tagged by the gooks, you know.
Oh, oh! Who's controlling the air conditioners up there, some kind of a greasy spic or something? Ow! What the hell, bird? What's with the birds in this fucking city? They're crazier than a bunch of dykes! Whoa! English Subs : Arkfeller So, are they gonna make us get a lap dance? They're not gonna make you do anything you don't want to.
Timmy, it's your birthday.
I'm gonna make you get a lap dance.
Come on, let's go! l want to see some tits! -Yeah.
-All right.
Not bad, huh? -Yeah, she's a hottie.
-She sure is.
Birthday shots, guys.
Trevor, are you coming? Uhh No, l think I'm good, man.
-Okay, Timmy, to the bar.
-Let's go! Wow, looking good.
You got any money, big boy? Yeah, l do.
Umm.
What will a dollar get me? Nice, nice.
What'll l get if l throw two dollars down there? Well, for two dollars, I'll turn around, and I'll bend over, and I'll point my butt at you.
Chill, chill.
What would happen if l threw down five dollars? Well, for five dollars, l point my butt at you, and then l slap my own butt with my hand.
lll, ill.
What, pray tell, would happen if l threw ten dollars down there? Well, for ten dollars, l play with my boobs, and then l lick my boobs, and then l spit on my coo.
Huh, really? Okay.
Well, what would happen if l were to throw a twenty dollar bill down there? Well, for twenty dollars, l, like, sit on your lap, and l iiggle up and down, and l try and rub my butt on your penis sometimes.
Dope, dope.
Well, let's up the ante a little bit.
lf l took a $1 OO bill and dropped it down there, what would happen then? Well, for $1 OO, I'll take you in that back room over there.
Uh-huh.
I'd slip into some super-sexy lingerie.
Go on.
And then I'd staple my hands together.
What? With a staple gun.
Wait.
Why would you do that? Because you gave me $1 OO.
Well, l wouldn't really want you to do that, so let's take it down a notch.
What if l were to give you $75? Oh, for $75, l eat a whole fish.
What? Bones, scales, eyes, the whole thing.
What are you --? What? What? That's what l do for $75.
That's weird.
That's my name.
-What's your name? -Weird.
Your stripper name is ''Weird''? Weird, the stripper.
Hey, guys, come here.
Okay, what'll you do for seven dollars? For seven dollars, I'd drink a whole pail of milk with my butt.
-What? -What's going on? This stripper's weird.
Hello! She looks fine to me.
What'll you do for 75 cents? For 75 cents, I'll eat it.
You'll eat what? Eat the money.
Bullshit! Hold on.
Here.
-Whoa! -What the fuck? What about $304? For $304, I'll write you a speech.
About what? Any topic you choose.
$4.
36? I'll go to the store with you.
-What? -$4.
31? I'll paint you a picture of a dolphin.
$4.
38? I'll give you a blowiob.
Well, that's where that one was.
A million dollars? Hamburgers! -All right, let's get out of here.
-All right, see ya, Weird.
Good-bye.
All right, Janice, send in my next potential recruit.
-Hey, we want to ioin the Army.
-Yep! All right, gentlemen, one at a time.
One of you is gonna have to wait outside.
-No, we want to ioin together.
-Yeah, we're best friends.
And we want to ioin the Army.
Fine, fine.
Did you fill out your paperwork? -Right there.
-All right, let's see here.
-We want to be in a plane.
-Yeah! Awesome! -A plane? -Yeah! And one of the planes that shoots, not one of those faggy food planes.
Okay, so, you want to ioin the Air Force division? -l don't know.
-l guess.
That's where the airplanes are.
-Oh! -Air Force.
''Air Force.
'' ''Airplane.
'' Airplane, Air Force.
-That's good.
Makes sense.
-Awesome.
Okay, so, your preferred assignment would be to -- Or we want a gun that's so big that you can't even hold it, and it needs wheels.
-Yeah! -Awesome! Okay, well, that sounds more like infantry.
l want to parachute at night into a city.
Yes! Well, now, that's more of an Air Force.
Air Force, that sounds cool! It's like the force of the air! That is so radical.
You guys know that this is a serious decision that you're making? Yeah, this is a serious decision we're making.
Seriously awesome! There's been a lot of fighting lately with these terrorist groups.
Yes, l want to be a terrorist! The terror of the force of the air.
Awesome! No.
We are against the terrorists.
That's right, 'cause they double-crossed us.
They were double agents? No, no, that's not what happened.
My spy name is gonna be ''Sergeant Eaglefort.
'' And you can call me ''Crowbar.
'' Yeah, his thing is he always has a crowbar.
And he was raised by eagles in a fort.
l think you two should put some serious thought into this.
We got this all planned out, baby.
Yeah, first thing, we need, like, And, like, 50,OOO land mines in our plane.
Yeah, then we need you to send the rest of the Army ahead of us in what's probably a suicide mission to draw their fire.
Then what we're gonna do is fly our jet right at the bad guys' main base, and then, at the last possible moment, I'm gonna pull a hand grenade out of my mouth and throw it in the back with all the land mines and the missiles and stuff and then we're just gonna jump! out! Whoa! We're gonna be like, ''Aah!'' Yank! And then all the bad guys will be on the ground.
They'll be like, ''No, no, no!'' You guys got to send a stealth bomber to swoop down just at the last minute before the mountain blows up and pick us up.
lt will be awesome! You both are 1 8, right? -Yep, today.
-Today.
Welcome aboard.
''Hey, how you doing? How you doing? How you doing? How you doing? How is everybody doing? Hey, how you doing? How you doing? How you doing? I'm Jack Kennedy, President of the United States.
'' ''Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!'' Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
''Fatality, double kill, headshot! New world record!'' ''The crowd goes wild! They can't believe it! lt's never been done before! Who is this new kid? lt's Oswald! They put him on their shoulders! They're taking him through town! He's the coolest guy ever!'' Ready for the big day? Holy geez, Lyndon Johnson, you scared me.
l almost dropped my gun out the window.
What do you want? Just being a good vice president.
l thought I'd pop my head in, make sure everything's in order.
Yes, everything's fine.
Thank you.
Go away.
See you later.
Thanks for checking in.
l just wanted to double-check.
You know, we've got a lot riding on this.
Days of planning and whatnot.
Okay, well, you came by and you said your piece, so thank you very much.
Job done.
Duly noted.
You can leave now.
See you later.
Bye.
-Gun's loaded? -Yes, the gun's loaded! lt's loaded with, like, 1 ,OOO bullets.
Safety off? Yes, the safety is.
Yes, the safety is off, okay? l know what I'm doing, all right? Lee Harvey Oswald is on the iob.
Thanks! A little breezy today.
Just hope you're taking that into consideration.
Looks like it's coming from the southeast.
Look, l know where the wind is coming from, okay? I'm a sniper! Hi! Hello, there! Hi.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you for coming out.
Hi.
Hello, there.
How are you enjoying the country? -Okay.
-Jack? -Hi, hello.
-Jack? -Hi.
Hello to you, sir.
-Jack? -Hello to you, ma'am.
-Jack? Yes, one second, please.
Thank you.
-Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
-Jack? Yes, what is it, woman? Could we put the top up? No.
l need my constituents to see me.
Hi.
lt's just a little chilly back here.
lt's coming from the southeast.
l don't want you to catch a cold.
I'm not gonna catch a cold.
l need to wave to my fans.
Hello, there.
Don't come crying to me when you freeze the back of your head off.
I'm not gonna freeze the back of my head off.
l don't know.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
You have a flag! That's very nice.
Driver? Driver? Can you play that song that l like? No, do not play that song that she likes.
What's the name of that song that l like? Oh, ''Chicky Picky, Chicky Picky, Yeah''? -Yeah, that's it.
-No! La, la, la, la.
I'm just saying, if you want to shoot him while he's there, you can shoot him from that building or that building or any other building.
l want to do it my Way.
Fine, do it your way.
Thank you.
-lt's just wrong.
-Okay, that's it.
Chicky picky, chicky picky Chicky picky, chicky picky Yeah! This is humiliating.
The people can hear you.
You're the First Lady, for Christ's sakes! This song is terrible! You don't respect people's work.
I'm trying to do something nice for you, and you're just sitting there, eating potato chips.
lt's like you don't even care if l shoot this guy or not.
Hey! Look, l just want to be by myself for a little while, okay? Somewhere out in space There is a place Where l can do what l want to And all at my own pace Somewhere out of time l hope I'll find A place where l can just unwind And work on my own mind Oh, send me a signal Oh, give me a prayer l just need to know That there's some spot out there Where l could be me And you could be you And we could be we How great it would be No more of these murders We could just disagree No Biggies and 2Pacs No Kurt and Courtneys Where l could be me And you could be you And we could be we How great it would be [ Gunshot ] Someone else shot him! Better run, boy.
[ Crowd shouting indistinctly ] Mommy, Daddy, look what l drew! Whoa, Kevin, buddy, what is this here? l drew it myself.
Debra, you want to come take a look at this? Stephen, our guests are about to arrive.
l have a cheese plate to arrange.
l do not have -- [ Gasps ] Kevin, why did you draw that? His name is Saggy Sammy.
Kevin, who taught you this? Has the gardener man been coming inside the house, Kevin? lt's an elephant.
-Oh.
-Oh, thank Christ.
Oh, l see.
Okay, yeah.
Those are like his -- That's his face.
His ears! Whatever.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, Kevin, it's very good.
Can l keep this? l want to keep this upstairs in my desk because of how good it is.
Put it on the frigerator.
Oh, l don't think that's a good idea, because what if it fell down? Or what if, at the party, it got stolen by one of the guests? Or the gardener? But l drew it for the party.
Well, he made it for the party.
Umm.
l suppose the supportive thing would be to put it on the.
But, Stephen, it does look like so many things.
Umm.
How about this, sport? Why don't you go ahead and write ''elephant'' really big on the top of it, and we'll put it on the frigerator for the party? Okay.
l also drew a fairy castle for the door.
A fairy castle.
Okay, that sounds great.
Here it is.
Kevin, go to your fucking room.
We have a party to get ready for.
We don't have time for your crap.
Every goddamn day with this kid.
I'm so bored.
There's no one online to talk to.
Hmm, l wonder.
Ah! Quidditchkid793? Yeah, hi.
l hope you don't mind, but l ordered some drinks.
No, that's cool.
Okay, all right, so let's just cut to the chase.
Movie ideas.
My head's just been spinning all day.
So, what is it? Well, l was thinking you could make Star Wars Ull.
Oh, oh! Oh! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, oh! Oh! Oh, my, that is a good idea! Star Wars Vll! Oh, oh, oh, wait.
Wait, but how do we do that? I've already gone back and brought them up to the original story.
Are you suggesting that we go before Anakin's birth? No, l was thinking you could just keep going into the future.
Remake the original trilogy? That's brilliant! No, no, no.
l was thinking you could just make, like, a movie that takes place after ''Return of the Jedi.
'' What the fuck? What the fuck? [ Screams ] I'm in if you'll have me, kid! Star Wars Vll! lts brilliance is in its simplicity! Go forward in time! So, what would happen in this future/after Jedi movie? Well, l was thinking that maybe they could have to blow up another Death Star.
They had another Death Star? Yeah, maybe.
And then maybe Leia betrays Luke or something.
But she's a good guy! Yeah, but maybe she gets brainwashed by, like, an evil wizard or something.
That's the only way she would do it! And there's, like, two Chewbaccas.
[ Screams ] Oh, my God, that man's having a heart attack! Make sure the franchise goes to Quidditchkid793.
Welcome to my movie.
l hope you all enjoy Star Wars Vll: The Secret of the New Death Star, Boba fett Goes to the Sun, and R2-D2 fights a Lava Snake.
[ Panting ] How do l get out of this other Death Star? [ Alarm goes off ] Oh, no, an alarm! Two Chewbaccas? Well, l got in my car And went down to the bar To relax from a full working day And while drinking my beer l happened to hear This New York-banker type say That our country's all wrong And that we don't belong ln affairs that are so far away And so l pushed back my chair And l stood up right there And made sure The whole bar heard me say I'm totally gay for America I'm totally gay for the U.
S.
of A.
from the East to the West from the North to the South I'd gladly bend down And take florida in my mouth I'd tongue-kiss Mount Rushmore And drop my pants to my waist Then take the Washington Monument All the way to its base There ain't a lot of things That make me feel this way But this country of mine Makes me totally gay Now, l know things ain't right 'Cause on the news every night And in the papers almost every day l want to hug Uncle Sam Caress his hair with my hand And let him know everything is okay Maybe give him a quick peck At the nape of his neck And rub his shoulders Until his cares went away Trace the curves of his thighs And look into his eyes And see if he wants To go hit the hay 'Cause I'm totally gay for America I'm totally gay for the U.
S.
of A.
l know we can never get married But he'd never ask me anyway '''Cause it would undermine the family'' l know that's what he'd say But we could keep it a secret And continue on that way And I'd be faithful and loyal Till he threw me away There ain't a lot of things That make me feel this way But this country of mine Makes me totally gay