The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s02e07 Episode Script

Tar Toast, Drunk Dad, Time Travel Friends

Oh, no, dude.
Oh, he's got me.
He's got me.
Oh, he's pushing you into the tub.
He's kissing me.
He's kissing me.
This is a really hard game.
Guys, guys.
There are naked women falling from the skies.
Come on.
Awesome.
-Oh, my God! -Oh! [ Laughter ] Whoa! Hi.
-lt's like a dream.
-Hi.
Look at their boobs.
-Yeah.
-No way.
lt's the best day ever.
l am so happy right now.
English Subs : Arkfeller You know, l feel really good about this project.
l iust hope one of the maior studios goes for it.
Oh, everybody's gonna want this.
You're gonna have a bidding war on your hands.
-Hey, what is that? -Pigs in a blanket.
Oh! Thank you.
l mean, l've never seen anything like it.
Well, it's about an invisible dog.
And might l say, there's your title.
Oh, excuse me.
What is this? This is tar toast.
Oh, thank you.
[ Spits it out ] What the? Hey, Buddy! What the hell, man? What? What do you mean, ''What''? What the hell is this? lt's tar toast.
l just said that.
This is not edible.
No.
It's tar on toast.
What, did you eat it? Yeah, l ate it.
You served it to me.
-Whoa, l served it to you? -Yeah.
ls that, like, street tar? Yeah.
It's, like, street tar.
Why did you eat it? Because you told me to.
What is wrong with you, man? You asked me what this was.
l said it was tar toast.
And then you put it in your mouth, and you ate it.
Well, l thought, like, tar toast was like, you know, how mud cookies are peanut butter or ants on a log or something.
Look, man, l don't know who you are.
l don't know what your deal is.
l'm iust gonna leave, all right? No, no.
l want to talk to your manager.
l don't work here, man.
l'm not your servant.
Then why are you carrying around a tray? That's none of your business.
Why are you wearing that suit? Why are you wearing that suit? [ Groans ] Man, you know, l feel nauseous.
l think l'm gonna be sick.
Yeah, you are.
You ate street tar.
-Hey, what is that? -lt's tar toast.
lck.
Yeah.
See? Not a jackass.
You, iackass.
l'm gonna have to go to the hospital.
Yeah, you will, 'cause you have tar in your stomach.
Tar you gave me! Tar you took without asking, after l told you what it was.
Why? Why would you walk around a party with a tray of tar on toast? Who does that? Are you on drugs? Am l on drugs? You're eating street tar, man.
Do you know what? You're an asshole, man.
-Oh, nice.
-Yeah, you're a fucking asshole.
Nice.
Hi, Harold.
You're up early.
Yeah, l thought l'd get an early jump on the day and finally start writing that book l'm always talking about.
A book? What's it about? lt's called 10 Easy Steps to Having the Perfect Relationship.
You're writing a book about how to have the perfect relationship.
Are we gonna do this right now? Do you seriously want to do this before the kids have even left for school? Fucking hit me, Harold.
Just fucking hit me, okay? You don't think l won't? No, l know you won't.
You know how l know? 'Cause you're a fucking pussy! -Step across this line! -A fucking pussy! Mom, l need money for.
-Are you and Dad fighting again? -No, no, no.
We're just.
Fuck the both of you! l'm fucking sick of this shit! l'm going to Grandma's house! You stay away from that drunk whore! Tell that fucking cunt to die! Chapter One.
Accept your spouse for all their flaws, no matter how numerous they may be.
Hi, Betty.
It's me, Carol.
Yeah.
Guess what.
Harold's writing a book on how to have a successful relationship.
Yeah, yeah.
Crazy day here.
l'm thinking about writing a book, too.
lt's called How to be a Drunk Asshole, Lose Your Job, and Go Nowhere in Life! Bring that ugly bitch face here, so l can cut it off! l will fucking bleed you, Harold! l need to borrow the keys to the -- Oh, shit! lf one of you fucking touches me, l'm calling social services.
Dial that number, it'll be the last call you ever make! -l fucking hate both of you! -Harlot! Bitch.
Son of a bitch, Harold! You bought the diet eggnog again! He's the new V.
P.
l've never met him personally, but l hear he's a great guy.
l think he's gonna be all over this project.
Well, l hope so.
No one likes my idea.
Oh, my God.
Well! Shit.
Hi, how are ya? You're the new V.
P.
? Yep, and let me iust say, right off the bat -- This is a stapler, those are pens, and you'll be sitting on chairs, none of which are edible.
You know, l was in the hospital for 1 O days.
Well, you took street tar and you put it inside your body.
And here we go again.
So, l guess l should iust pitch this thing and get it over with.
-Yeah.
Let's pitch this thing.
-Well, it's about a dog -- -You know what? Don't like it.
-Right.
-Thanks very much for your time.
-Thanks for coming by.
Can l iust ask you one thing? l'd love that.
Why? Why were you carrying around a tray of tar at that party? What is it with you and this tar thing, man? What is it with me? Get out of my office.
He's been having a really tough time lately.
l was in the hospital.
Out! Ah, a quiet evening at home.
My pipe.
My slippers.
The wife.
The game.
Honey, l went to get that lump checked out at the hospital today, and they told me -- l said a quiet evening at home.
Pipe.
Slippers.
Wife.
Game.
Don't want to hear about what happened in your stupid soap opera.
Well, l guess l'll iust e-mail you about the lump.
Thank you.
Daddy, l'm back from my date.
Oh, it's Daddy's little girl.
How was your date with that boy you have a crush on? He's not iust a boy l have a crush on, Daddy.
His name's D'Artagnan.
And we're getting engaged.
What? D'Artagnan and l are getting married, Daddy.
And we're going to live under the ocean.
-Live under the ocean? -Yes.
D'Artagnan thinks the sea is beautiful and poetic, and we're going to live in it.
What do you mean, live in the ocean? Ocean floor, Daddy.
We're gonna live on the ocean floor.
l knew you wouldn't understand.
You can't live on the ocean floor.
Yes, l can, Daddy! l'm 1 9 years old, and you can't control me anymore.
lt's not about controlling you.
It's basic biology.
You can't breathe underwater.
l can't breathe without D'Artagnan.
-That is stupid.
-Honey! You iust don't like D'Artagnan.
lt's not that l don't like D'Artagnan.
lt's that you can't survive without oxygen.
We'll survive off of love, Daddy.
You taught me that.
You told me that when you and Mom moved to Brooklyn after graduation, you had no iobs, and you had no place to stay.
And there were times when you thought you wouldn't make it at all.
But you clung to each other, and you had each other.
And it was love that got you through.
We still had air.
And we still have love.
-You are retarded.
-Honey! Mom, Dad.
Seabiscuit.
So, did you tell them the news? The news about you two geniuses defying every law of nature and iust being all-around morons? Yeah.
She was iust bringing me up to speed on that.
Mr.
G, do l have your blessing to take your daughter's hand in marriage and go live underwater with her? Okay, let me start small.
D'Artagnan, what exactly makes you want to live underwater? Whales are beautiful creatures.
True.
Fair, fair.
They are.
But so are many other creatures, such as, i.
e.
deer.
Fur is murder! Planet's only on loan to us, dude.
Okay, l'm gonna skip logic.
Nancy, l forbid you to live underwater.
l knew you were gonna say something like that, Daddy.
You iust don't like D'Artagnan because he never graduated high school, and he only likes to do me doggy style.
Aah! And, no, this has nothing to do with D'Artagnan not finishing high school.
Although that may explain why he wants to take you and go live under liquid.
Look, Mr.
G, there's some smarts you can't find in books.
Like sea smarts.
And l'll tell you something my sea smarts recognize -- that when l look at your daughter, l see something more than iust someone to do doggy style to.
Aah! l see a beautiful tulip opening and blossoming.
And iust when you think it can't get any more beautiful, you look inside, and what do you see? Golden diamonds.
Golden sea diamonds.
And then on the back of each one are little vaginas.
That's what l see when l look at your daughter.
Mr.
G, l know when you look in Mrs.
G's eyes, you know you're gonna be with her for years and years to come.
Well, actually, the doctor said l only have four to six months left.
Woman, there's a conversation going on! Quiet! New tactic.
Umm, l ran into an evil wizard today, and he told me that if you two went to live underwater, something would probably come and kill you.
Daddy, that is ridiculous.
No, babe.
l heard about something like this before.
Some dude died.
Now, this wizard, did he have a beard? Yeah, yeah.
Big, long beard.
And he had a staff and a hat with lots of plane! ts on it.
Sounds legit.
Yep, yep.
And he told me that if you disobeyed your father and you two went to live underwater, then something would probably come and eat you, and you'd stop being in love.
-l don't want to be eaten! -l don't want to not be in love! l mean not be in love! You said you didn't want to be eaten.
No, baby.
You're more afraid of being eaten than of falling out of love with me! l can't believe l almost married you! Guess l'm iust gonna go.
A quiet evening at home.
Honey, l have breast cancer.
Am l the only one in this family that's not stupid? You can't get cancer in your breast! There's no bone there! MARRATOR: Darryl Churchum was a mild-mannered scientist-surfer who was out one day trying to catch some waves when an underwater experiment went haywire, and he was bitten by a radioactive tiger shark.
He quickly became fused with the aquatic beast's powers and now roams the Earth as Shark Man.
All right, boys, double-time.
As soon as we crack this safe, we'll have all the gold in the entire world.
Not so fast! Shark Man! Your bank-robbing days are over, Crime Man.
-But how'd you find us? -l used my Sharky senses.
Now get ready to taste the fins of justice.
[ Panting ] What are you doing? l have to pump my lungs up every couple of minutes on account of the shark bite.
Hold on.
Okay.
Now, where was l? Oh, yeah.
l'm gonna take the air out of your plan.
[ Alarm sounds ] Uh-oh.
Now what? l have to drain my waste every couple of hours.
Oh, gross! You see, l have no large or small intestines, due to the shark bite, so l have an alarm that goes off every couple hours when my bag is full.
[ Sounds of disgust ] That is iust foul! My God! l'm getting out of here! Curse you, Shark Man! [ Panting ] Come in.
Oh, Susie.
l'm glad you're still up.
Happy birthday.
How are you? Oh, wow.
Look at all this.
This was your party? You got presents everywhere.
How was your --? How's it hanging? How was your party? So, the big birthday girl.
October 1 6.
ln the year of our Lord.
Another year.
Mark on the tree stump.
Another year closer to the void.
Did l get you anything? Well, that's why l'm here.
Your mom's mad at me and wants me to come and talk to you about the present.
So, here's the thing.
Remember how you said you wanted a pony for your birthday? You said you wanted a pony.
More in the world than everything else you wanted a pony? Well, l, being a good dad, being a good father, got you a pony.
Went upstate -- to a farm upstate in Buffalo.
Went and got a pony.
Picked it out.
His name's Buttercup.
You can call him whatever you want, though, 'cause you're Daddy's little girl.
Name it whatever you want.
Name it, you know, Crap.
l don't care.
So, last night, Dad was at his office-party thing, you know, he said he was going to.
And had had a drink or two.
Fair, fair.
But still was cool.
You know, like, was cool.
Like, can handle a buzz.
l was driving home, and l forgot that l was keeping your pony in the garage.
Slipped my mind.
So, anyway, l just pulled in.
Like And the pony's like You know? But.
l tapped your pony.
Daddy bumped your pony.
Your pony's dead, basically, is what l'm trying to say.
So, your mom was mad.
And l thought l'd come down and tell you like a man, like a father, and iust own up.
'Cause when you make a mistake, you just express it.
So, l hit your pony.
l'm sorry.
l bought it for you in the first place.
l can do that.
l'm a dad.
Now, the question is.
And, well, your mom and l don't -- are not at an understanding on this.
l say yes.
Your mom says no.
But l think yes 'cause you're a cool girl.
l think you're a cool girl, you know? And here it is.
l'll just lay it out.
Do you want to see your pony? 'Cause it's yours.
It's your pony.
Pony Buttercup.
lt's your pony.
You own it.
l iust don't know if you want to see it.
'Cause, l mean, it's cute.
lt's iust dead, too.
You know, come to think of it, you're gonna have to see it anyway because you're gonna have to move it, bury it.
'Cause when you have a pet, you have a responsibility.
l remember when we talked about you having a pet, you said that you promise you'd clean up after it.
And you probably didn't think you'd have to clean up after it so much so soon.
But a deal's a deal.
Right, kiddo? l'm gonna bring around the John Deere.
l'm gonna leave it running.
l'll tell you how to use it, tell you all the buttons and levers.
And then you can iust kind of, like, nudge it into whatever hole you dig.
You're gonna want to do it soon because it's pretty hot in the garage, so the thing's swelling.
lt's getting ripe, you know? And you're gonna want to move it before you have two messes to clean up.
'Cause it may break in the middle from how hard l hit it.
And l'm done.
So, l love you.
l'm sorry l didn't go to your thing.
And what are you gonna do? Sometimes people disappoint you.
Umm, l will be better next year.
l promise.
l'm gonna go take a nap now.
Keep your chin up.
It works if you work it.
Don't touch the television 'cause l'm TiVoing something.
So, good night.
l love you.
See you later.
Happy birthday.
Hey, Trevor.
What's up? l was iust reading about 9/1 1 .
Yeah? That stuff was so gay, what happened.
l know.
Are you thinking what l'm thinking? -Let's go get the time machine.
-Yeah.
Me and my buddy Got a time machine But we got to be careful If you know what l mean 'Cause history's a fragile thing It seems And it's easy to fuck stuff up Like the time we went back To Germany there And we made sure Hitler Got the electric chair But when we got back Kennedy was a panda bear 'Cause that's the way physics work So we go around Doing the best we can Like we stopped Goldor from fighting Xenuxan But as a result that started Vietnam So l guess we'll call it a draw ''Me and My Buddy'' Says here the guy we're looking for Iooks like Saddam Hussein.
Look! That's him! Hey, buddy, your 9/1 1ing days are over.
Well, my buddy and l Stopped those terrorist guys We beat them all up And they cried and cried Now we got to go back To our own time To see how it all worked out ''Me and My Buddy'' Oh, my God.
That was so awesome.
When you pushed that terrorist guy's head into the toilet, that was awesome.
Let's check the news.
N EWSCASTE R: And in lighter news, it's the World Trade Centers Awesome! We did it! Whoa, Iook at your family picture, dude.
My sister's disappearing! When we went back and stopped 9/1 1 , we must have changed something in the past that made it so your sister wasn't born.
Do you know what this means? We have to go back and save 9/1 1! Me and my buddy Got a time machine But we got to be careful If you know what l mean 'Cause history's a fragile thing It seems And it's easy to fuck stuff up ''Me and My Buddy''