The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s02e08 Episode Script

Face Off, Auto Erotic, Good Morning Dad

Good morning, Mr.
Nichols.
-How are we doing today? -Pretty good, pretty good.
Good.
Good.
Are you a doctor? -Yes, l am.
-Okay.
And you're here for some cosmetic surgery.
-ls that correct? -Yep.
l see, and what are the problem areas? Uhh, l want to have my face taken off, so that you remove the skin and muscle, so that my face is gone and instead l iust have my skull as my face.
What? l want you to take my face off.
Take, like, all this off.
l want you to take, like, my face off.
You want me to take your whole face off? No, no, no! No, not the whole thing.
l want you to take off from here.
Like, take off all this.
Take off the skin.
Take off the muscles.
Leave the eyeballs, so l can look around.
And then leave, like, the muscles down here.
Like, leave the iaw muscles, so l can go, like, ''Well.
'' Like, ''Well.
'' l don't understand.
Like, leave the muscles here.
Like here and here, so l could still open my mouth, like.
l can still open my mouth and go, like, ''Well '' like in a song.
Like, ''Well.
'' You know how songs begin like, Well, l got no face And l'm here to say Come down And buy a used car today for deals that are really Gonna make you smile At Bill Price dealership Labor Day! Wait a minute.
Do you want me to cut your face off, so that you can pitch yourself as a mascot in some sort of car commercial? Yep.
l'm the grim dealer, and if you don't buy a used car or truck from me, then you're better off dead.
Okay, l don't think you need to cut your face off to do that.
No, l do, 'cause of the part in the song where it's like, Well, l got no face Right.
No, l understand that.
l'm just not gonna do it.
-Oh, come on.
-No.
It's not safe.
-Please? -No.
-Please? -No, sir.
-Come on.
-No! Pleeeease? Okay, fine.
Yes! English Subs : Arkfeller Oh, my God.
The ship's taking on water.
This is the end of the Esmeralda! l'd say we have 20 or 30 minutes left before we're completely submerged.
All the lifeboats and life vests are gone! They were taken out in the explosion! Damn it! All we can do now is pray to God that the ship's maintenance man can repair the damage.
Well, Clark's in there right now.
-Clark! -Clark! Well, it's definitely the fuel pump.
-What does that mean? -Can you fix it, Clark? Yeah.
Let me iust go get my fuel-pump factory.
No.
It's shot.
Oh, God, no.
l'm surprised you guys made it this far.
l don't know why you guys decided to go out into open water with that fuel pump.
l've seen boats 1 2 years older than this one with much better internal organs.
So, what do we do? Well, you're supposed to change your fuel pump every 4 years.
That's why these things happen.
Okay.
Clark, can you fix it? l'm working on it.
My God, l hope he can fix that pump.
Oh! The water's coming through the door! Radio for help! No, the radio's completely fried! We're all gonna die! And we're way off of our charted course.
No one's gonna think to look for us here! -Clark! -Clark! l don't know what you guys were planning on doing if l wasn't here.
-Did you fix it, Clark? -No.
Then what are you doing? l'm taking a break.
Clark, this is important.
Do you want to go try to fix it? l mean, l'm sure you know your way around a class-5 yacht's boiler room.
l'm sure you picked that up in passenger school.
Clark, we might die.
Yeah, you might, 'cause you don't practice good boiler maintenance.
l'm gonna go back to work.
Oh, my God! The water's up to our knees now! l never said good-bye to my family.
So much more l wanted to accomplish.
Dear God, please steady Clark's hand and give him a keen eye.
Hey, come here.
l want to show you something.
-What? -Come here.
What? You know what this is? This is your insulator ring.
What? See how worn through that is right there? lt looks bad.
Yeah.
It looks bad.
That's 1 2 years of damage.
This is what a normal insulator ring looks like.
You see that? See the difference? Well, Clark, why don't you replace the bad insulator ring with the good insulator ring? That's a great idea, passenger, 'cause l'm sure that when we take the new insulator ring and put it where the other one was, it's gonna magically undo all the damage from the explosion when the first one wore through.
Okay, Clark, we don't know anything about insulator rings or fuel pumps.
-That's your iob.
-Yeah.
That's my job.
But you do realize that we are literally in the same boat here? l don't quite think we're in the same boat.
What? You're gonna die, too, if this thing sinks.
Oh.
So, now you're doing me a favor? That's not what l was saying.
l'm gonna go back to work, okay? We need to turn off the electricity to the main cabin before we all get electrocuted! No, the switch is in the forward compartment.
lt's completely flooded with water.
Do we have any flares? We could fire one out the porthole.
All the flares are soaked through.
Besides, there's no one around for miles to see us anyways.
Oh, God.
Please hurry, Clark.
It's almost too late! Clark, please tell me that means that you fixed it.
The problem's not just the fuel pump.
All the pipes in the filtration system have corroded.
Oh, God.
But that's my specialty.
-So, you fixed it! -Not exactly.
Clark, is the boat gonna stop sinking? Eventually.
Clark, are we all gonna die? Everyone's gonna die.
No fuel-pump technician in the world's gonna help you out with that one.
That's between you and the big J.
C.
Clark, can you save the ship or not? Well, that is what you hired me to do.
-So, you did.
-So, you did.
But you can hire all the repairmen in the world, and it's not gonna keep your ship from sinking unless you practice proper maintenance of its inner workings.
So, you didn't.
-l did not say that.
-So, you did.
And l most certainly did not say that.
Son of a bitch, Clark! Truth of the matter is there's no point.
lt's gonna cost you more in parts and labor to fix the thing than to iust replace the whole system, and l don't do installation.
So, we're gonna drown! l normally don't do installation.
-So, you will.
-And tonight is no exception.
l'm gonna be honest with you guys.
You're probably gonna be drowning in a couple of minutes.
There's a lot of ways to kick the bucket, and drowning's probably the worst.
A lot of pain.
A lot of waiting.
Oh, sweet God! There's a paring knife right over there.
lf l were you guys, l'd take the easy way out.
He's right, though.
Studies have shown that drowning is like the most horrible way to die.
-What's the best? -l heard stomach cancer.
l think that's true.
l don't want to drown, but l can't kill myself.
Darling, l need you to do it.
No! l could never.
l'll do it.
Where's the knife? Just hold on a second.
All right, l'll do it.
Okay.
You look at me.
-l love you.
-l love you.
Okay.
Wait for me.
Wait for me at the gates.
l'll be right behind you.
Okay.
Stab hard enough to get through my sternum.
-Don't take your eyes off of me.
-Okay.
Harder! Harder! Oh, God.
Well, l fixed it.
Turns out it was iust unplugged.
What? Well, not unplugged.
lt was plugged into a power strip, but the power strip was turned off, so at first glance, it looked like it was plugged in.
Geez.
What happened to her? Hope that was stomach cancer.
Well, that about wraps it up, folks.
Good night.
Fuck you! Wraps what up? Nothing.
Don't worry about it.
lNSTRUCTOR: All right, let's begin by easing out into traffic.
GIRL: Okay.
Be careful.
They have the right of way.
GIRL: Okay.
Maintain the speed limit.
Hands at 1 O:OO and 2:OO.
Okay.
Now, let's change lanes.
Use your blinker.
GIRL: Okay.
And ease on in.
GIRL: Okay.
Now let's make a left-hand turn onto county road 6.
GIRL: Okay.
And we'll go up this hill here.
GIRL: Okay.
Little more on the accelerator.
GIRL: Okay.
There we go.
And we'll iust pull up here at the overlook.
GIRL: Okay.
And we'll put it in park.
GIRL: Okay.
And let's iust relax a minute and take all of this in.
GIRL: Okay.
l'm gonna go ahead and put my arm around you.
GIRL: Okay.
And maybe we'll get rid of that.
GIRL: Okay.
And maybe l'll iust take this guy out.
GIRL: Okay.
Why don't you recline your seat a bit? GIRL: Okay.
And l'm iust gonna do this a little bit.
GIRL: Okay.
And that's good.
l'm liking this.
GIRL: Okay.
Okay, up and down a bit.
Great.
Careful.
Okay, l seem to have had a little accident, so we're gonna have to go ahead and take a trip to the clinic.
GIRL: Okay.
Why don't you put that back on and bring your seat back up? GIRL: Okay.
Check your mirrors, and let's put the car in reverse.
GIRL: Okay.
And we'll ease back onto the road.
GIRL: Okay.
MAM: This service is no longer available.
Hey, how's it going, Grandma? lt's going pretty good here, Sammy boo.
That's good.
That's good.
Grandma, did you poop on the floor? What? Grandma, is that your poo on the floor? What is the what? Your poo on the floor.
Did you make a poop on the floor, Grandma? l poop in the toilet.
Why would l poop on the floor? No, Grandma.
You pooed on the floor.
Look at it.
It's right there.
Well, that doesn't look like people poop to me.
That looks like doggie poop.
No, it looks like grandma poop on account of the medication.
Well, l don't remember pooping on the floor.
Yeah, of course you don't remember pooping on the floor.
You have Alzheimer's, Grandma.
Oh.
Well, l didn't mean to.
l'm sorry.
Sorry is not gonna clean it up, Grandma.
So, chop-chop.
Let's get a rag and a mop, all right? Come on.
Okay, l'm going.
It's iust so hard getting off of this couch.
lt's gross.
It smells.
l don't want to look at it.
l'm iust fucking with you, Grandma.
[ Laughs ] What? So, l didn't poop on the floor? No, the dog did.
And l don't have Alzheimer's? No, you have Alzheimer's, Grandma.
That's why you're so wicked gullible all the time.
So, what you watching? Oh, the newsman's on.
The newsman, huh? What's the newsman have to say? Well, some terrorists blew up some embassy over in France.
MEWSMAM: The car itself is reportedly badly damaged.
A number of cars alongside.
.
.
Grandma, what'd you do? What? You blew up an embassy? No, l would not! The terrorists did that! You killed, like, 36 people! How would l, Sam? l saw you.
l saw you with my eyes get up, get out of your couch, go over to France.
You got undressed, you slut, and then you blew up the embassy with your mind! Well, why would l ever do that? l'm not finished! And then you came back here, you got dressed, you pooed on the floor.
Someone pooped on the floor? You pooped on the floor! You pooped on the floor, Grandma! And then you turned on the TV to watch your deadly deeds unfold.
Oh.
Well, l'm sorry, Sammy.
lt's okay.
Just don't think of me, or you'll blow me up with your mind powers, all right? -No, l'm not -- -Don't -- Oh! l'm not thinking of you, Sammy.
Sammy, no! No, Sammy.
l'm not thinking -- l'm iust fucking with you, Grandma.
Come on.
[ Wails ] Do you have that 20 bucks you owe me? l guess so.
Yeah.
Hand it over.
Thank you.
Watch out for that tiger.
Tiger? Here? In the house? What kind of tiger? Tiger Woods? Golfing? G RAN DMA: It's my birthday! Dude, you're really mean to your grandmother.
lt's not my grandma.
lt's iust some lady that leaves her door open.
Oh.
That is cool.
[ Laughing ] Let's go.
Tiger? Tiger Woods? Oh, boy.
It's time to autoerotic asphyxiate myself.
My penis sure is in for a treat.
All right.
Got the noose.
And here we go.
Okay.
There we are.
Oh, this feels great! This is amazing! Uh-oh! Oh, l'm about to finish.
l'm about to splooge.
Here we go! Yeah! Wait a minute.
What's going on? There's my body, but why am l? Ah! Ah! l died! Oh, no! l can't die like that! Ah! That's the most embarrassing way you could possibly die.
l've got to do something.
l've got to pull my pants up.
Ghost hands! They can't do anything! What am l gonna do? Okay.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Okay, l'll try to use my ghost energy to try to affect things in the real world.
Okay, here we go.
Ghost energy.
How do l work it? Come on.
Move the hand.
Move.
Oh, it's working! Okay, good.
Okay, good.
Swing.
Okay, good.
Okay.
It's working.
Great.
Swing! Okay, good.
Now, pull up your pants.
Pull up your.
Ah! It went up my butt! lt went right up my butt! That's worse than before! What am l gonna do? Come on, Trevor! It's Timmy.
And we have a show to do! Ah! Oh, no! Tonight's the night of the big show! Come on! Tonight's the night of the big show! What are you doing in there, Trevor? Uhh, nothing! Nothing! Don't come in here! Ghost voice! He can't hear me! All right, enough fooling around, Trevor.
l guess l'll iust walk right in.
No, no, no, no! No, don't come in! Don't come in! No! No! Oh, my God.
Trevor killed himself with his wiener hanging out and his thumb up his butt.
Oh, you noticed! Timmy, be a pal.
Help me out.
Conceal my embarrassment.
Pull my pants up.
Pull my thumb out.
Don't let people see me like this.
What are you? No! Don't take pictures! Timmy, stop taking pictures! Help me down! Knock, knock, Associated Press here.
Like to do a story on the big show, if l may.
Oh, no! The press! Timmy, tell him to go away! -Come on in, man.
-No, no, no, no, no! Just need to get a couple of shots of -- Oh, my God! That's humiliating! Mind if l get a couple of photos? Say no.
That's what l'm doing, man.
Go ahead.
-All right.
-No, no, no! -Oh, this is gonna sell millions.
-Stop, stop, stop! You know what would make a really good picture? We should put some gay porn under his arm.
No! That's a horrible idea! That's a great idea! -Just a second.
-No, no, no, no, no! All right.
No! Stop! Did you notice his thumb's in his butt? No kidding.
What a scoop.
Trevor, it's your mother.
l know how much you like soup before the big show -- Oh, my God! My son's a gay.
Check it out, lady.
His thumb's in his butt.
You know, l always suspected.
You did? Trevor.
Yes? -This is God.
-Oh, no! Do you regret the decisions you've made with your life? Yes! Yes! More than anything! Now that you've learned your lesson, would you like a second chance? Yes, yes! Please! Please! Very well.
[ Gasping ] l'm alive! What were you doing? No! Trevor, you're a pervert! You pretended to be dead with your wiener hanging out and your thumb up your butt so we'd take pictures of you? Gross! No! This isn't fair! You were supposed to give me a second chance! What are you talking about? You were supposed to send me back in time! l wish you were dead, you crazy queen! [ Simultaneous talking ] Okay.
Thank you for waiting.
The president has asked me to come out and make a brief statement about the wire that iust went out a couple minutes ago.
To make things short, l will just confirm that, yes, we do have a moon base, and, yes, we are currently experiencing some bear problems.
Now l will open it up if there are any questions.
Mr.
Press Secretary! _ou.
New York Times.
Uh, yes, l have a 10 -- no, 1 1-part question.
l'm sorry.
l only have time for 2.
All right, let me get this straight.
So, the United States government is admitting that we do have a moon base and that there is a bear problem on said moon base? Yes, that is correct.
All right, follow-up question.
-Are you fucking with us? -That's a really good question.
No, we are not, and l would like to remind everyone to keep the language civilized.
This is the White House.
Excuse me, Mr.
Secretary.
Bob Daniels.
Newsweek.
Mr.
Daniels.
Um, how long have we had the moon base, and are these bears Earth bears, or are they from the moon? l'm sorry, l'm not at liberty to disclose how long we have had this moon base at this time.
We do believe these to be Earth bears.
We have no reason to believe these to be lunar bears or even Saturn bears.
Todd Albright, PBS.
There are Saturn bears? l am also not at liberty to go into the various types of woodland life-forms on Saturn or any of the other 1 2 planets.
Right.
l've said too much already.
What l can show you is the images that have been beamed down to us from the Odyssey satellite system just a couple hours ago.
This is the view out of the front door of the United States' secret moon base.
This was taken yesterday, before we discovered the bear problem.
And this one was taken just a couple hours ago.
So, as you can see, bears everywhere.
Mr.
Press Secretary! Mr.
Press Secretary! Mr.
Getz.
Yeah.
Those bears appear to have guns and motorcycles.
We believe they may be involved in some sort of intergalactic drug cartel, perhaps affiliated with one of the interstellar wizard alliances.
Wizard alliances? Yes.
Next question.
Just a thought, more of a shot in the dark, but we wouldn't happen to be invading Iran today, would we? You got me.
You got me.
l fell for it.
l fell for it.
You got me.
You almost got away with that one.
No, l went too far.
l almost had it.
l should have stopped after the slides.
l knew l should have stop then.
Yeah, l didn't even think anything about it until the cartel thing, and l was like, ''Whaaat?'' [ Laughter ] Okay.
All right.
Let's forget this whole thing.
Who wants a drink? First round's on me.
Come on! Yeah! Good morning, Dad.
By now, l bet you're wondering, ''Where are those pesky car keys?'' Well, that is a riddle that you'll have to get to the bottom of by following a series of clues that l have left for you.
lf you look to the ground, you'll notice a maze of colored twine.
One of these strings leads to the next clue, but beware.
The other ones lead to dead ends.
l don't have fucking time for this.
Which color should you choose? l'll give you a hint.
lt's the color of mothers birthstone.
So, pick a string and stop the tape.
Well, l see you found the mirror but are probably asking yourself, ''Well, what good is this mirror if l can't find that troublesome backwards map?'' BACKGROUND: Morning, Dad.
l see you're on your quest.
Where the fuck are my keys? [ Sounds of punches ] -Ow, Dad! -Where are they? Your own son is the clue you'll need to solve this caper, so stop the tape and come up to my room.
BACKG ROU N D: Tell me where they are! Tell me where the fucking keys are! Well, Dad, l'm glad we solved the riddle of the missing keys together.
BACKG ROU N D: Where the fuck are the keys? l guess all this is just my way of saying l want to spend more time with you.
BACKGROUND: Ow! Ow! Seems like l just don't get to see a lot of you anymore, and l miss you, Dad.
BACKG ROU N D: l have to get to work! lf you feel the same way about me, then stop the tape and come up to my room and give me a hug.
BACKG ROU N D: Where are the fucking keys?