The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s02e09 Episode Script

Invincible Kid, Keg Stand Dad, Virtual Reality

No, your mother just doesn't have faith in you.
You are invincible.
You iust got to believe.
English Subs : Arkfeller Mr.
Welburn, l had a question about my.
-Jenkins, get down.
-What? Get down, for God's sakes.
What? Jenkins, you're a good kid.
How long you been with the company? Two years this May, sir.
l started this company Built this empire with my own bare hands, and l wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, either.
l started out in my father's toolshed.
l won't lie to you.
l had to claw my way to the top.
Might have stepped on a few fingers and toes.
Heck, may have even slit a few throats along the way.
But that's business.
l forged this corporation with my own blood and sweat, and it cost me two marriages, one heart attack, and every weekend of my life to get this company where it is today.
And this morning, l walk into my office and the sons of bitches over at Bergman Sachs put a sniper on the roof.
Come again, sir? A sniper.
Trained killer specializing in long distances, quiet, stealthy, but above all else, patient.
Sir, l don't think they would put a sniper on their roof.
Sure, they would.
It's the right move.
They don't want this merger to go through any more than the Kyazukis, but they've got the cojones to actually do something about it.
That's why they're number two.
But let me show you why we're number one.
Slide me that case behind the couch.
You see, business is all about being able to adapt.
You got to learn how to roll with the punches.
l'm gonna need you to pop up and give me a 20 on him.
What? l know he's on the 75th floor, but l can't figure out if he's the third or fourth window from the left.
Uh, okay.
Now, don't worry.
He's got a bead on me, so if you're quick, he won't have enough time to readjust.
Oh, my God.
You're right! Oh, my God.
You're right! Holy smokes.
He's third window from the left.
Julie, could you send in one of the interns, please? You see, everything worthwhile takes sacrifice.
You'd be good to remember that.
You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.
More coffee, sir? Jesus! Oh, my God! You see, it takes about 3 1/2 seconds to reload and trace another target, which gives me an adequate window to fire off a couple rounds.
Pure business.
Oh, my God.
That is a kill.
You see, patience and sacrifice yield rewards.
[ Intercom beeping ] That's probably them now.
lNTERCOM: It's Bergman Sachs on the phone.
l'll bet they want to talk.
Calvin, you son of a bitch.
Nice try with that sniper.
Yeah, you took out one of my coffee boys.
l'll bet.
l scooped his head clear off.
Now let's get down to brass tacks.
This merger's going through whether you like it or not, but how much is it gonna cost to keep you from tying things up in the trade commission? Flash bomb.
Jesus, God! Jenkins, quiet down.
l'm on the phone.
and you know that.
Meredith didn't even get 5% in the prenup.
What l'm saying is 5% domestic, and that's my final offer.
[ Sirens wailing ] You still there? l'll bet we have a deal.
All right.
Say hello to the missus for me.
l'll see you on the greens.
Plain and simple.
Now, what was it that you came in here for? Um My brother's getting married in two weeks and l was wondering if l could have that Friday as a vacation day.
Would you sign my slip? No.
NARRATOR: He was the greatest conductor the world had ever known, commanding powerful performances all over the globe.
Until one day, in a tragic car accident, his arms were ripped from his body.
Now, after years of rehabilitation, the unfortunately named Buttfart Rapedick will take the stage once more to lead the Philadelphia Philharmonic in Ludwig van Beethoven's classic 7th Symphony.
[ Instruments tuning ] Ohh.
l'm in the shower! Baby, hey.
l want a divorce.
Hey, well, maybe now my friends can come over! Hey, what do you got there? Just this gold thingy.
What did you do that for? He was a iackass.
ANNOUNCER: _nd that was the complete human history of the last 1 O,OOO years in seven seconds.
-Trumeter? -Yes, sir? l need that SLX report.
You know, l don't have it, sir.
Come again, Trumeter? Well, the numbers from the Foster's account haven't come back, and Wendy's -- Trumeter, are you familiar with the term ''bottlenecking''? Yes, sir, l am.
Bottlenecking is when the full productivity is halted by a person or a unit or a cog in a machine, like yourself, that is unable to continue the flow at the rate of the whole.
-Do you understand that, Trumeter? -l understand that, sir.
Trumeter, you are a bottlenecker.
The mechanism is bottlenecked by you, sir.
As soon as l get the numbers back, l'll have it to you as soon as possible.
-As soon as possible? -As soon as possible.
Why are you shaking your head? Are you lying to me? Answer me, cog! As soon as possible.
As soon as possible.
Good day.
Dude, you're a pussy.
What are you doing? l was in enough trouble as it was.
lt's my first week on the iob.
l'm not gonna push over the boss while l'm getting chewed out.
Dude, let me explain something to you.
He likes that kind of shit.
That's his thing.
Believe me, he responds to it.
All right, check this out.
l didn't do my report either, and any second he's gonna come in here, he's gonna give me the same spiel he just gave you.
When he does, l need you to do me a solid, get down on your hands and knees and help me tip our boss over.
-Dude, no.
-Dude, do me a solid.
l don't feel comfortable with this.
Don't you fuck me on this! -Cregger.
-Yeah, Mr.
How many times am l gonna have to ask you for your SLX report? Yeah, Mr.
Williams, it's like Trumeter said.
Wendy's sick.
l do not pay you to bottleneck, Cregger.
l pay you to be a working part in a machine.
Okay, now, if l have a pipe organ and one of the keys is faulty, Cregger, and l'm trying to play Mozart on it, it's gonna come out sounding like Blues Traveler, and l don't want to hear Blues Traveler.
l hate hippie music.
Do you understand that? Do you catch my drift, man? Yes, absolutely, Mr.
Okay, well, you're a good kid, Cregger.
l'm glad we had this talk.
Trumeter! Oh, God, no.
What in fuck's cunt are you doing on the ground? l was iust looking for one of my -- Not five minutes ago, l told you to have your report on my desk, and here l find you on your hands and knees, fuck-cunting about like some sort of slacker barnyard animal! l'm really sorry, sir.
Trumeter, you are the most worthless piece of human garbage.
-Yes, Cregger, what is it? You got a booger on your tie.
-A booger? -Whoa! [ Laughs ] You, you got -- l thought there was a booger, and you -- You know, you're all right.
You get back to work! [ Laughs ] Oh, God, l'm gonna get fired.
No, man, you iust got to own it.
Did you see how l owned him with the tie thing? He was fucking with me, l fucked with him right back, and he respected me for it, right? -Yeah.
-That's how you got to handle him.
Okay, l'm gonna do you a solid.
l'm gonna send an e-mail from your account.
l'm gonna let him know that your SLX report is done and ready to be picked up.
When he comes in here, l'm gonna get on my knees, you shove him over, everything's gonna be copacetic.
-No, dude, don't -- -Send.
Glad to hear you're on the trolley, Trumeter.
-Where's that SLX report? -You know, sir -- Well, hand it over, Trumeter.
Well, l -- Just give me a moment.
l don't have a moment.
l have a company to run.
[ Cell phone rings ] -What? -Hello? Oh, God.
Well, Trumeter, it appears that wordplay can no longer properly express your insubordination, and you have decided that it has come to arms.
Be that as it may, l will have you know that l am very highly trained in the combative arts.
J l have a sensei and therefore, l accept your challenge.
l'm gonna fucking kill you.
Cregger? Yeah, l'm on the phone.
Let's go, Daddy.
Williams? Yes, what is it, Mr.
Brown? l am very busy here.
Well, yeah, l spilled a bunch of hot cocoa on your mail.
Cocoa on the mail? Soppy mail? Soggy mail is not how we run the machine! Oww! [ Laughs ] You guys are a couple of iokers.
'Cause you know l love that.
You get back to work! Hi, and welcome back to the show.
lt's time for our Entertainment roday Mail Bag.
Charlene from Boise writes in, saying, J ''l love Steve Buscemi but l haven't seen him in any movies or television shows lately.
Tell me, what's he been up to?'' Thanks for your letter, Charlene.
We looked into it for you, and it turns out he's been busy battling melanoma.
Hey! Look at that cloud.
lt looks like a duck playing a tuba.
-Where? -Right there.
Oh, yeah, l see that.
Check out that cloud.
It looks like Queen Elizabeth.
Oh, l see, l see.
It moved.
-A second ago, it did.
-A second ago, it really did.
Oh! That cloud Iooks like a pineapple.
Okay, kind of.
Yeah, l see that.
-Like, with the leaves? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, check out that cloud.
It looks like the Rorschach test.
Which one? The one where the guy's holding the baby's head underwater.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, l see that.
l see that.
Hey, that cloud looks like a portabella mushroom.
Oh, yeah, that cloud totally looks like a mushroom.
Oh, that reminds me.
We should get going 'cause the radiation's setting in, and that's probably gonna mess us up.
Oh, yeah.
l'll try, but my legs got blown off in the blast.
[ Rumbling sound ] [ Mumbling ] Fuck! Fuck.
Oh, you're gonna get it! Rue the day! Rue the day! Mabel! Get your fucking face in the car! Oh, Clyde, what a pleasant surprise.
Are you picking me up from work? Get in the car! We're going to the place.
[ Giggles ] Off we go, huh? Of all the fucking fucked-up shit you could pull.
You know, Clyde, l am pretty tired.
l could just take the bus home.
No! l want you to see this! l want you to see what you make me do! Okay.
Oh, well, they've pruned all of those.
[ Screams ] How are you folks doing today? Pretty good soon.
-We're back.
-l see.
And can l assume you just want the usual? l'm gonna give my wife a knuckle sandwich.
Again with the knuckle sandwiches.
Every Thursday, l ask Clyde to take out the trash, and every time, he gets all huffy, and we have to come down here to the old virtual reality center, so he can give me -- l give her a knuckle sandwich! A knuckle sandwich, yes.
And, you know, l would be upset, but the thing is, he's always so relaxed after these sessions.
lt's like he blows off so much steam whenever he gives me.
A knuckle sandwich! Yes, a knuckle sandwich.
All right, well, l'm sure you folks know the drill by now.
You iust swipe the card and put on the goggles.
Here we go! [ Sighs ] Let's see what's on TV.
Oh, that's nice.
What? What's that, honey? You want me to take out the trash? How about you take a bite out of my knuckle sandwich?! He got me.
[ Panting ] Hi, honey! How are you? l'm fine, dear.
Say, how about on the way home, we stop and get you some ice cream? Girls like ice cream.
lt looks like it.
Maybe on the way to get ice cream, we could stop off at the linen store.
One more, please.
Fire it up! Okay, all right.
One, two, three.
Hi! We're all spiritually fucked up here -because of capitalism.
-from capitalism.
How are you? [ Laughing ] -l messed up.
-l was behind.
l said ''from.
'' l said ''from.
'' l don't know.
Excuse me.
l'll be there at 7:30.
Can you spare some change? Yeah, Joan has the tickets.
Yeah, iust a second.
Here you go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too? Yeah, it's like we've known each other.
Our whole lives.
lt's like we're.
Soul mates.
l found love tonight When l looked into your eyes Every time that you kissed me l got butterflies -And l knew -And l knew -And l knew -And l knew There would be no one -Only you -Only you -Only you -Only you Bring me joy l still can't believe this.
l never thought stuff like this actually happened.
l know.
It's magical.
l know.
It's so amazing.
That's why l think we should do everything right and not rush into anything.
We'll iust take this slow because l think we really have something here.
l'll see you later.
Oh, okay.