The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s03e01 Episode Script

Chaplin, Bible Stories, Feline Delights, Dumb Newscast, Car Dealership

Christmas Eve, 1944, deep in the bunkers of Nazi Germany, the Yankee troops are closing in on their target: Nazi President, Adolf Hitler.
All right, boys, we are one doorway away from being heroes! lf that is Hitler in there, when we get back home, they're gonna name streets after us! All right.
Broadway, Park, Main, let's do this! You got it, First Avenue! It's primed! Hitler! We're coming in to get you, you Jew Bastard! No, Main! That's not-- Fuck it, whatever! All right, boys, let's do this! Go! Go! Go! What in the--? What the--? You're under arrest, Hitler! No! Don't arrest him! That's Charlie Chaplin! That's not Charlie Chaplin! That's fucking Hitler! No, dude! Hitler doesn't have that hat! See? Hitler doesn't walk like that! Yeah, but this guy's got the same mustache.
Yeah, but this guy's funny! Yeah, yeah, he is pretty funny! [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ] Charlie Chaplin, what are you doing in this bunker? Yeah, you shouldn't be in here! This place is dangerous! This? Heh, heh! What is he gonna do? [ Laughing ] You're the best, Charlie! [ Laughing ] Aaaagh! You saved my life again, Charlie Chaplin.
I truly am your biggest fan.
And I truly am your biggest fan, Adolf Hitler.
Best friends! Tired of the Bible? Got a whole bunch of young ones that need to know their Bible stories? Well, what's a feller to do? Wonder no more! 'Cause now, there's ''Bible Stories With Me, Luther B!'' My 20-part video series is a must-have for any church youth group, vacation bible school, or even your own rec room! The Bible's cool again! Each Bible story is acted out by yours truly, and a cast of professional actors! There's all sorts of Bible stories like ''Adam and Eve''! Oh, there's no food in this Garden of Eden! I'm hungry already.
Bye, honey.
l've got to go name all the bears today.
Don't eat anything.
Oh, my God, a snake, already.
Get away! Shoo! But wait.
I have an apple for you to eat.
Featuring the voice talents of Richard Johnson.
You might remember him from his three separate appearances on the hit sitcom, ''Coach '' and the Mattress Warehouse commercials.
Honey! The snake poisoned the apple! Aaaagh! There's ''Noah's Ark''! Noah, let us in to your arc, or we'll drown! God told me not to! ''Daniel in the Lion's Den''! I'll kill you, lions! I'll kill you all! ''Jonah and the Whale''! I hate whales! I hate whales! ''David and Goliath''! No giant's gonna eat my family! Fee, Fi, Fo--! Oww! And ''Revelations''! There's monsters everywhere! Run, God! Run! Stay back! Stay back, Dracula! You, freeze, Monkey Priest! Frankenstein, go away! Raar! Dinosaur! And if you order the entire set of videos today for the low price of $299, we'll throw in the 'Bonus Original Bible Story,' ''Jesus and the Monkey.
'' I'm sure God has His reasons He invented all the seasons So I'm sure that there's a reason Why all monkeys Go to Hell Available exclusively at ''Bible Stories With Me, Luther B!'' So pick up the phone and call my house today! You and your cat have a special bond that no one else can understand.
So why not pamper him with feline Delights? Your cat will enjoy the flavorful hints of tuna, oyster and salmon.
And you'll receive the affection you've always desired.
feline Delights.
We guarantee your cat will see you in a whole new light.
I swear l've-- l've never seen this commercial before.
You-- I really-- I really didn't.
We interrupt ''Mall Bitches'' to bring you this ''Music Channel Television News Newscast''.
Now, here's your host, Blizzard.
Hi, heh, heh, okay, well, so as everybody knows by now, um, last night aliens came to Earth, and abducted all the world's smart people.
So, um, we don't know when they're coming back.
And, uh, we're pretty much the only news team that's still around, so uh, keep it here while we try to figure out what to do.
Um, also, sorry about the ''Mall Bitches'' marathon.
Uh, Brian hit a button in the control room and that made ''Mall Bitches'' start playing, and it took us a long time to figure out how to turn it off.
So, really sorry 'bout that.
Anyway, moving on, we go now to tonight's top news story.
Aliens have abducted all the world's smart people.
Yeah, I kinda already told you guys about that, but that's our top news story.
It's a pretty big deal.
Never, ever in the history of anything, ever happening have Brian or I ever heard about anything like this happening, ever before-- Brian, Brian! That's the one I'm using.
Brian, that's the one I'm using! [ Brian speaking indistinctly ] -Yeah, huh.
-BRIAN: Yeah, huh! Look, the light's on, man! I'm-- Yeah, see? That was my camera.
Okay.
Thank you.
BRIAN: Stop yelling! -I'm not yelling! -BRIAN: Yes, you are.
Sorry about that.
Okay, now we move on to tonight's second news story.
Ozzfest will be going on as planned this weekend.
That's right, Ozzfest not affected by the abduction of all the world's smart people.
So you could go-- Brian, put up the Ozzfest graphic.
-The Ozzfest graphic! -BRIAN: It's up.
No, it's not! It's the alien one, man! BRIAN: What? -It's still the alien! -BRIAN: No, it's not! Yeah, huh! Look at the monitor! -I'm look-- -BRIAN: What are you talking about? Why would I lie about that, man? Thank you! Okay.
Now put up the Ozzfest graphic! Oh, my God! I just saw Kayla at the mall.
Ugh, she's is such a bitch! You know, she's secretly dating Jordan.
Oh, my God! That bitch! I saw them at the mall.
I feel so betrayed right now! Going to the mall used to be my and Jordan's thing! -That bitch! -That bitch! What are you gonna do? I'm gonna go to the mall! What if you see that bitch at the mall? Oh, I want to see that bitch at the mall! See? This is it.
This is the button that stops ''Mall Bitches.
'' Brian, pay attention! The button that starts ''Mall Bitches'' stops ''Mall Bitches.
'' Really should have been the first button you checked.
God! Sometimes I don't know why I wasn't abducted! Hi, bitch! I heard about you and Jordan at the mall.
Whatcha talking about, bitch? Oh, don't play dumb, bitch! Ceedra told me everything! Oh, my God! What a bitch! You're the bitch! You're the bitch! You're a bitch! You're the biggest bitch I know! I'm going to the mall! Woooo-weeeee! I'm Big Mitch Huggins, owner and spokesman of Huggins Family Auto Dealership! Come on down this Saturday for our Father's Day Blow Out Extravaganza! And to celebrate Father's Day, I'm gonna have my boys show you around the lot.
Take it away, buckaroos! So we got this car, we got that car, we got this car, that car This car is a.
It's a van.
You can smoke in it.
At most other car dealerships, you're probably sick and tired of being treated like this! Hello, customer.
What can I do ya for? My family and I need a new car, but l, like, don't have good credit, or something.
Denied! Take a hike, ierk! Then come on down to Huggins Family Auto Dealership, where you'll be treated like this! So all that stuff about my credit again.
Well, that's no problem here, son! You got yourself a deal! And here's a free bumper sticker! That's right, with every car or truck that you buy, you get a free bumper sticker.
So get your behinds down here this Saturday, for our Father's Day Blowout Extravaganza! 'Cause here at Huggins family, we treat you like family! -Dad! -Ugh! Wrap 'er up boys, wrap 'er up! So, come on down this Saturday for -Brian! -What? So come on down this Saturday to our Father's Day Blowout Bonanza, at Huggins Car Store Fuck it.
Derrick! So, what do you wanna do tonight? I don't know.
Let's go to a bar.
Yeah, right.
How are we gonna get into a bar? -Hmm -Hmm Have your l.
D.
s out.
Hello, sir! I would like two tickets-- I mean one ticket to the bar please.
You don't need tickets.
You just need ID.
Oh! Um, I seem to have left my identification at home.
But look how tall I am! I really doubt that someone of my height would be underage to drink.
Yeah, you're pretty tall.
All right.
-Thank you! -Thank you! Awesome, we're in! Oh, hello.
How's it going? Hello, fellow bar patrons.
What'll it be? I would like one piña colada please.
One piña colada.
Mm-mm Ah, and one more, please.
Ahm And one more, please.
This one's from the lady at the end of the bar.
Ahm, hi.
Thank you for buying me a drink.
Don't mention it.
So, um, are you really that tall? Yes.
Are you really that tall? -Um, absolutely.
-Of course.
Good.
You know, I think it's so difficult to meet other tall people these days.
lt is.
It really, really is.
So, do you wanna ask me to dance? Um, sure.
Let's go dance.
Here.
And go! Oh, that was pretty good! I am just having the best time.
Me too.
And, ah, I was wondering if maybe you'd wanna come back to my place later? For a nightcap? [ Clears throat ] Um Yeah, sure.
That sounds like a great idea.
Great.
Um, I just need to use the rest room first.
Sure.
Man, this is going great.
I think she really likes us.
I wanna be on top now.
Well, I would trade places with you, buddy, but I kinda think she'd notice now.
What? We look the same! Yeah, we look the same, but our voices are different.
Oh, yeah.
This sucks.
We're about to get laid tonight, and you're gonna have all the fun.
Dude! Think about it! You're on the bottom! Oh, yeah! Oh, wait! Since we look so tall, she's probably gonna expect a huge penis! You're right! Her vagina must be gargantuan! What are we gonna do? Wait a minute! J We look so tall he's probably going to be expecting a gargantuan vagina! You're right! His penis must be huge! What are we going to do? I don't wanna be on the bottom anymore! I don't wanna be on the bottom! Ooh! So, this is my place.
Listen, before things go any further, I feel that there's something that I should tell you.
I have a little bit of a confession to make.
Really? What is it? Well, and I know I should have told you this right after I first met you, but I like to have sex with my coat on.
Oh! That's great! I do too! And standing up.
I have no problem with that.
[ Exhales deeply ] -Really? -Yeah.
Uh, wow! Okay, then, um Let's do this thing! I guess I'll just pull out my big penis, here.
-Oh! There he is! -Oh! Okay.
-Wow! -All right.
I guess I'll whip out my vagina! Wohoo-hoo-hoo! Okay, here we go! -Woah! -Woah! Here we go! -Woah! -Woah! -Woah! -Woah! -Yeeow! -Yeeow! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Oooh! Ohh! Clear.
Form up on me.
-Got contact? -Yeah.
We got two bogies on the west side of the barn.
Looks like a heavy machine gun unit and some infantry.
Shit! There's a sniper in the barn.
Good thing he doesn't see us yet.
Fucking noobs.
Okay, here's the plan.
On the count of three you take out that sniper.
DaBears and I will go after the machine gunners.
Got that? Mom! DaBears! Mom, can I have a sandwich? DaBears, shut up! I don't know.
Peanut butter and jelly.
Fucking Christ, DaBears! What? DaBears, shut up and play the fucking game.
I'm getting my mom to make me a sandwich, you guys.
Look, whatever.
Now, on the count of three we're gonna take out those gunners by the barn.
I don't see them.
Use your radar.
No! Not us! Look where I'm looking.
Ooooooh.
I'll get it! What? You'll get what? Hello? Oh, my God! Get off the phone.
Mom! Phone! It's Mrs.
McGlaughlin! -God! -What? No.
No! No, Mom! I wasn't even there! Turn your fucking mic off.
I wasn't even there! Mom, oh, my God! DaBears, turn your mic off.
Oh, my God! I wasn't even there! Well, Caleb's a liar! Shut your fucking mic off! Mom, you always do this! Mon, you always do this.
That's it, I'm backing out.
Dude, don't quit.
No, I'm backing out.
I'm going back to the lobby.
Dude! Fuck, man.
Guys? Guys? Guys? Guys! When I was just a child before I would turn out the light l'd kneel beside my bed And say my prayers every night Ask God to keep me safe And keep everything all right Then l'd be real still and quiet until I could hear his reply And God said, ''Wash your hands'' Or your family will die And Grandpa will get cancer If you don't touch the stove three times Your dog will run away If you ever tell a lie Nobody understands when God says, ''Wash your hands'' When God says, ''Wash your hands'' God says wash your hands Now as the years went by God stood by me through the thin and thick Though it seems that with His age The Good Lord's gone a tad eccentric Why I need to save my pee I don't understand a lick But it's better, I bet, than to live with regret So I guess l'd better do it 'Cause God said, ''Stay inside or get flesh-eating disease'' I'll totally make some kid retarded If you don't throw salt when you sneeze And you'll never get to heaven unless you kill Bill Bellamy Nobody understands When God says, ''Wash your hands'' Nobody understands When God says, ''Wash your hands'' And I hope that it's all wrong 'Cause God said, ''Don't sing this song'' And I hope that it's all wrong 'Cause God said, ''Don't sing this song''