The Worst Week of My Life (2004) s01e02 Episode Script

Oh God.
Let's just get married on a beach.
I'm not gonna let you marry her.
Course I like your family.
- How's my favourite father-in-law to be? - Not sure they like me.
How's my favourite mother-in-law to be? Your favourite, Howard? Oh, sorry, Howard, I didn't know I wasn't fishing my excrement from your lavatory and throwing it on the roof.
The ring! It was in the main sewer.
Bring it down tomorrow.
(Growling) (Whimpering) I hope this week's memorable for us all.
(Glass breaking) (Screams) - Wakey-wakey.
- Oh.
- What time is it? - It's about nine.
I had this terrible nightmare I tried to have sex with your mother.
No, that happened.
Oh, God! Come on.
Up you get.
Breakfast is on the table.
Mum and Dad have already started.
Oh.
Oh, I don't feel very well.
- What? - Oh, I've got a splitting headache.
- Aching limbs.
- Oh, no! - I don't think I should go down there.
- You look all right to me.
It's best I keep well away from everybody.
- A couple of paracetamol, you'll be fine.
- With respect, you're a vet, not a doctor.
You're not running a temperature.
I just can't face your parents after last night.
Tell them I'm sick.
Too weak for breakfast.
And you need to drive me home right now.
We can't.
We said we'd go to your Dad's for lunch.
- What? - Meet his new girlfriend.
(Sighs) God! (Whimpering) (Yelping) (Growling) - (Sophie) Howard? - Mm.
If you were my boyfriend and I wanted you to do something, would you do it? - Erm - Giles hates weddings and won't come.
Then if he doesn't, I'll look like an ugly sister, billy no-mates saddo.
Well, all I know is, if I had a girlfriend as gorgeous as you, I'd do pretty much anything she asked.
- I hope you're not chatting me up.
- No.
No, no.
That would be pretty sick, if you were.
No, I'm just saying, he probably needs reminding how lucky he is having you.
Yeah, you're right.
Cheers.
Oh, and I won't tell anyone you put Binky in the clock.
Morning, Angela.
Morning, Dick.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
(Sighs) Sorry, Dick, could you pass the, er, coffee? Thank you.
Oh, lovely coffee.
Really sorry about last night.
I'd rather not talk about it, Howard.
The thing is, I really thought that was my room.
Which is why I was so surprised to see Mel in there.
You know, because I thought we'd agreed separate bedrooms.
But, er, apparently not.
Anyway, the point is, I really thought Angela was Mel.
I really did.
For her age, she felt very Top-up, anyone? I think I'll get on with my wall.
(Clock chiming) - If you need any help, just say the word.
- Thank you, Howard.
Actually, we do need a decision on the men's hats.
Oh, right, yes.
- Do you prefer black or grey? - I think I prefer grey.
- Grey? - Yeah.
- Why? - Well, er, think I prefer it.
- Let's go with black.
- Right.
Oh, where's my little Binky-Winky been this morning? Mummy's been looking all over for you.
Now, you look after Howard while Mummy gets some more toast.
(Panting) (Growling) OK.
I'm sorry I put you in the clock.
(Growling) Can we start again? Cos I really want to be friends.
(Vicious growling) - Oh, get stuffed then! - (Barks) (Bell rings) - Eve.
- Brought the ring.
- You genius.
- (Both laugh) Oh-hoh! - Howard! - Angela.
This is my wonderful secretary, Eve.
- Eve, Mel's wonderful mother, Angela.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.
- She's brought the ring.
Oh, Granny will be pleased.
Would you like a drink? You must be parched.
No, I must get back to the office.
Don't worry about that.
Have a cup of coffee.
Oh, all right then.
- It's white with two sugars, isn't it? - Black without, actually.
- Would you like anything to eat? - Oh, some toast would be nice.
I didn't eat last night, with the plumbers and everything.
- Plumbers? - They found the ring in the main sewer.
Well, if you've gotta go, you've gotta go.
Really mustn't be late for the office.
Drive carefully.
Cor, she does rabbit on! Who wants to hear about her losing her ring when we've only just got ours? Yes.
Right.
Now where's Granny? I can't wait to show her the ring.
- She's not down yet.
- Oh.
Who stacked these plates? They'll be dirty on both sides now! - Great news! I've got the ring.
- Fantastic! - Eve just brought it.
She's a marvel.
- Where is it? (Mobile) I want to make love to you.
- (Screams) - Howard? - Sorry, Mel.
- What's the matter? Who was it? No one.
I got a bloody electric shock from the phone.
- What? - Oh, bloody Finnish rubbish! Look.
We have to go, if we're going to get to my Dad's in time for lunch.
You won't be late for your dress fitting, will you? No, of course not.
Don't worry.
I'll make sure she gets back in time.
(Dick) Angela! There's a puddle of urine in the grandfather clock.
Right, we should go.
Howard You do know there's a downstairs cloakroom? Yes.
- Right.
- What did you say, Dick? Someone's urinated in the grandfather clock.
Right, well, we're off.
- The grandfather clock! - Mm.
(Mobile) Oh, clever boy, Binky.
He's found Howard's mobile.
(Both laugh) (Both sigh) (Mobile continues ringing) - Are you going to get it? - I don't think so.
- Why not? - Probably a wrong number.
We'll see you both later.
- Wrong number? - Probably.
- How do you know? - Get 'em all the time.
- I'll answer it.
- Mel! - For goodness sake.
- Hello.
Howard, I'm in bed and you're right next to me.
No, no.
You've got the wrong person.
I want you to lick every inch of my body.
I think you want someone else.
Feel your huge Stop phoning me! Really have to change that number.
See you both later, then.
(Sighs) Did you show Granny the ring? Oh, damn, no.
I left it in the dining room.
(Mel) Are you OK? Just remembering how we used to come back home after school.
Mum would be waiting for me at that window.
My tea in the oven.
She was always there for me.
- But she won't be at my wedding.
- Oh, honey.
Never expected Dad would get involved with another woman again.
Not really sure I like the idea.
- It's good he's got company.
- I suppose you're right.
Poor old fellow's been on his own for a while now.
- (Man) Howard, help! - What's that? - Dad? - Can you see him? - Dad, are you all right? - Help me! - (Dad) Quickly! - God! What's he done? - Argh! Argh! - (Dad) Howard! Howard! (Dad) Howard I can't move.
Aaargh! - (Dad) Hurry up.
- Aaargh! No! - Get me out of here.
- Oh, no, Howard, be careful! - What the f - Thank God you're here.
- What's going on? - Oh, me back's gone.
I can't move! - What? - Quick lift me out! - He's really 'eavy.
- Oh God! - Move it.
- (Groaning) I'm Trish.
Oh, hello.
I'm Howard.
This is my fiancée, Mel.
- Mel, this is Trish.
- Hello.
Pleased to meet you.
- Oh! Ah! - I'm glad you two came when you did.
That water was getting cold.
My nipples were the size of cocktail sausages.
- Oh.
- There you go, honey monster.
I'll give you another rub down before we go to bed.
Thanks, love.
If you're lucky, I might give you something else too.
(Giggles) Come on.
I'll get lunch ready.
Come on, Mel.
I want to hear all your plans for the big day.
- Isn't she something? - Yes, she certainly is.
I tell you, Howard, she makes me feel like a young man again.
Dad, you gotta watch yourself Your blood pressure and your back.
I've never known anything like it.
We're at it hammer and tongs.
- Right.
- I thought all that was over for me, but Trish gives me such pleasure.
Yeah.
Well, it's not all about that, is it? You're right.
Just as important, I know how to pleasure her.
Think I might pick up those bits of glass.
Important in a relationship that.
I'll be honest, I always found it difficult bringing your mother to a climax.
Where do you keep the dustpan and brush? Trish is very different.
She very much enjoys the physical side of things.
She's got a G-spot the size of the Arndale Centre.
Hope you don't mind me asking but have you had your breasts done? - Er No.
- I've had mine done twice.
- You have to, in my line of business.
- Oh, what is it you do? - Lap dancer.
- Great! That's how I met Ronnie.
Where's your dustpan and brush? Don't worry about that.
Come and have a bite to eat.
- Oh.
- Trish is a lap dancer.
Oh, goody.
I danced for your dad and he kept putting one pound coins in my thong.
I mean, normally I don't go out with my clients but I couldn't resist Ronnie.
I mean, who could resist him? He's such a great lover.
Come on, sit down.
Grub's up.
- Tuna or 'am? - Oh, thank you.
We did it on the sofa last night.
It was phenomenal.
There's some crisps round here somewhere.
(Heels clattering) - What do you think? - Mm, yes.
She's, er, quite a character.
- She's only 32.
- Really? So my bird's younger than yours! ( Loud music on radio) It's Kylie.
This is the one I danced to for Ronnie.
Aw.
- Remember this, Ronnie? - I do, love, I do.
La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la I just can't get you out of my head Boy, your loving is all I think about I just can't get you out of my head Boy, it's more than I dare to think about La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la I just can't get you out of my head Boy, your loving? (Engine starts) Cheer up.
She could have been a lot worse.
- How? - Well, sh Look, we just have to get on with her.
We're going to see a lot more of her.
Oh, I think we've seen pretty much everything.
Anyway, I'm going to - Oh, it's your dress fitting! - Yeah! - Oh, and can you show Granny the ring? - Absolutely.
(Dog panting) Binky, no! Where's the ring? Open your mouth! Binky, where's the ring? Have you swallowed it? Come here, you Ow! - I hear you've got the ring.
- Yes, bear with me a moment.
Binky! If you've done what I think you've done, I'll kick your arse from here to Battersea Dogs' Home, you miserable, jumped-up little bogbrush! Dick, hi.
Oh, I'm just looking for Binky.
That's my little nickname for him - Bogbrush.
Come to Uncle Howard! Boggy! I've just been up on the conservatory roof.
It seems that mess up there is Angela's goulash.
Oh! It's beautiful! - Thanks.
- You look a picture! - Howard's a lucky man.
- Well, I'm lucky too.
- Of course you are.
- I really love him, Mum.
- Why? - Well, I've never met anyone like him.
- No.
- I mean, he's so kind and gentle.
- Is he? - Yes.
He is.
Well, that's good enough for me, darling.
So, you threw my wife's cooking out of the window? Yes.
Having tried to flush it down the lavatory? - Yes.
- Why? Well, I couldn't eat it, but I didn't want to cause offence.
Well, she's a woman of many talents, my wife, but cooking's not one of them.
I'm so sorry, it was a stupid thing to do.
Look, I'm probably a long way off being your ideal father-in-law.
Don't know about that.
And you are a million miles from being my ideal son-in-law.
- Right.
- But I'll try to make a go of this if you do.
Absolutely.
Good.
Can I give you a hand there, Dick? No, no, I'm fine.
Oh, er, go on, let me, er, let me help you out there.
It's really not Oh, all right.
Get that lot in there.
All right.
- Have you seen Binky? - No, have you seen Howard? No.
Binky! Binky, where are you? I've got your wedding suit, Binky! Do you know what I thought you were doing? - My hand in the lavatory? - Yes.
- I know what it must have looked like.
- I thought you were a weirdo.
- I can imagine.
- Then in bed with Angela! Oh! A complete mix-up.
I thought, "My God, what have we got here?" (Sighs) - I'm glad we've managed to clear the air.
- So am I.
- Has anyone seen Binky? - No.
- Sorry.
- I see he's got you at work now, Howard.
We might make a brickie's mate of him yet.
Do you know, he's nearly filled up the cement mixer all by himself! Well, don't let him work you too hard.
(Scream) (Sobbing) (Wailing) I feel terrible.
I'm so sorry.
I know words mean nothing in a situation like this, but I just want to say how deeply I feel both your and Angela's loss.
What's up with Angela? Howard threw Binky in the cement mixer.
It was an accident.
- Binky's dead? - Yes.
- You didn't really like Binky, did you? - No, it was an accident.
He must've jumped on the spade.
Are you all right, Angela? I'm so sorry, and if it's any consolation, I'm sure he didn't feel any pain.
That's right.
The speed of the cement mixer would have crushed his little skull in seconds.
(Sobs violently) Excuse me.
Do carry on, everyone.
Howard - if you don't like your dinner, feel free to throw it around the house.
(Door opens) Well, thank you very much, arsehole! - Sophie! - Cheers, for the great advice! So yeah, I reminded Giles how lucky he is to be with me, and do you know what? He dumped me! So congratulations, arsehole! - Watch your language! - He's an arsehole! That's as may be, but it's no excuse for this language.
- Dad, please! - A great wedding this is gonna be, cos thanks to him, who, by the way, put Binky in the grandfather clock, I am now the sad freak with no boyfriend in the crap dress! Anyway, the ring was delivered today.
So I heard.
- But Howard won't show it to me.
- Sorry? - I asked you earlier and you ran away.
- No, I didn't.
Are you going to show it to me, or not? - Of course I am.
- When? - Soon.
- Go and get it, Howard.
- Mel, you know, I'm eating.
- Go on! - It's upstairs.
- Howard! All right! All right! I'll get it! (Mobile) Ah, Eve, any idea how to get a ring out of a dead dog set in concrete? - How did it get set in concrete? - The normal way.
Got thrown in a mixer.
I'm sorry, I don't know.
- Oh well, never mind.
- The travel agents called.
I can pick up your tickets to the Seychelles tomorrow.
Oh, thank you.
Eve, that's great.
By the way, could you also get a Scottie dog? - A what? - A Scottie dog.
- Well, I'll try.
- Thanks a lot, Eve.
Speak to you later.
Bye! (Door slams) Howard? - What are you doing? - Huh? - What are you doing with those? - Nothing.
Just, erm, tidying up.
- Have you got the ring? - What? The ring, Howard.
- You'll never guess what happened.
- What? - Eve was supposed to bring your ring.
- Yes.
- The stupid cow brought the wrong one.
- What? A completely different ring.
What a berk, eh? - So there were two rings in the safe? - Yes! For God's sake, do we have to look at poor Binky like that? Cover him up.
- I'll call you later.
- Do you have to go? Yeah, I've got loads to do.
I haven't even got a going away outfit yet.
- I've gotta help Ben with his speech.
- It's a shame not to have seen the ring.
I know.
Don't worry, I've given my secretary a right rollicking about it.
- But the ring's all right? - Yes, I got her to look in the safe and check that our ring was there.
And she confirmed that it was indeed there.
Oh, and she apologised for all the inconvenience she'd caused.
Right.
So we'll see you all on Friday for the rehearsal.
Arsehole! Till Friday, then.
Oh, my God! - How the dickens did that get in there? - Oh, my God! If it's not one thing, it's another! - Howard? - Mm? (Power drill) (Drilling continues) - Thank you very much! - We got the ring back! I didn't expect to cut open the family pet to get it! You're a vet, you always do that stuff.
- Why didn't you tell me about the ring? - I didn't want to bother you! - So you were smuggling him home? - It was just an idea! You didn't think they'd notice their dead dog was missing? - I was going to bring it back.
- When? On Friday? Oh right! So we'd have a dead dog hanging arond our flat for three days! All right! So I didn't think that bit through! I'm sorry! I made a mistake! Why don't you kill me now? That way I'll never make any more mistakes again! - I was just trying to make things better! - You're not! You're making them worse! Mel, thank you.
- What do you mean? - Well, it's been a tough couple of days.
Thanks for being so understanding.
Well, I love you.
Still, after everything that's happened? Well, you're not perfect.
But you'll do.
God, I want to make love to you right now! - What are you doing? - It's a practice run for the honeymoon.
Oh-ho-ho! (Giggling) Whoa! (Giggling continues) Hello, Howard.