The Worst Week of My Life (2004) s01e04 Episode Script


Can't you stalk someone else? Five minutes, I'll never bother you again.
I haven't put anything in your drink, darling.
- I was upstairs with Cassie.
- Did you have sex? - Mel, a man knows.
- Fraser.
Mel's uncle.
- Nice to meet you.
- Once a soldier, always a soldier.
I got your dad a smart wristwatch.
- What is it? - 30 flavoured condoms.
- I gave your dad 30 chicken tikka.
- Think of some of her other boyfriends - You didn't like them.
- Their appeal increases.
- Have you been drinking, Angela? - Only a couple of glasses.
Oh, come on, Mr Pug, I'll take that silly old frown away.
- That's it.
Wha (Bed creaking) (Creaking) (Creaking) (Creaking) (Sighs) Good God! I must have fallen asleep at my post.
- So sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
- No, no.
Can't you sleep? - No.
- Nerves, eh? Before the big show, - Saturday.
- Something like that.
Know how you feel.
Used to get like that on the eve of combat.
Little tip.
Mix yourself a drink, two parts rum, one part camouflage paint.
You won't fear a thing.
Won't remember a thing, either.
- I'll bear it in mind.
- Actually, while you're here, old boy, last wedding I went to, someone stole my camera.
I suspected the caterers, but I could never prove it.
Now, you're going to have some well-to-do people at this wedding of yours, and I'll bet you haven't thought about security.
You're right, Fraser, I hadn't given it a thought.
Thought as much.
It's up to you, but I would be very willing to act as head of security for the wedding.
Excellent! Good night.
Won't let you down.
(Clock chiming) (Sighs) Oh, what? (Footsteps coming downstairs) There you are! Been looking all over for you.
There's someone to see you.
Morning, Howard.
Would you like a coffee? - Ooh, yes, thank you, Angela.
- Howard, this is Mr Turner.
- Hello.
- Hello, Howard.
Barry Turner.
I've come about Cassie.
Cassie? What's that mad cow done now? - Cassie's my daughter.
- Is she? Yeah.
Well, when I say "mad cow", I mean, she's a right nutter.
In a fun sort of way.
It's just somebody in the office.
She's in love with you.
Now, that is mad.
She said you two were having a relationship.
- Oh, my God! - No, no.
No, no.
It wasn't really a relationship.
It was just one night.
We, er both had a lot to drink at the Christmas party and things got out of hand, know what I mean? - No! - Anyway, it was over two years ago.
What are we going to do, Howard? She's still nuts about you.
- A girlish crush on the boss.
- All she talks about is you.
- Not healthy.
- She thinks of you.
- Well, she shouldn't.
- Yesterday I found this poem she wrote - hidden under her pillow.
- Please don't read it.
"When it came to men, I was always something of a coward.
"But I'd never found true love until I met Howard.
" It rhymes but I wouldn't call it a poem.
"With his hands and his tongue, with pleasure did I squeal, "This was sex with the man of my dreams, "Howard Steel.
" That's all very well and good, Barry, but I'm marrying Mel on Saturday.
She's not eating, she's not been at work all week.
She just sits in that flat of hers, sobbing and screaming how you ruined her life.
How's that coffee coming along, Angela? lmagine if it was your little girl, Mr Cook? Yes.
Well, it is.
- Call it off.
- What?! The wedding.
Give her another chance.
You don't understand.
There was no relationship.
We had sex in my Volvo.
(Crashing glass) - I'll get a cloth.
It was all over in 10 minutes! It was nothing, really! It was good sex, don't get me wrong, but meaningless.
She's talking about killing herself.
Well, that's just irresponsible.
I'm begging you! - Please! - Barry, please get up.
- Howers, I Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- This is Mr Turner, darling.
- Hello.
- Cassie's father.
- Cassie? Who Howard slept with at the Christmas party.
She wants to marry him.
- You're Mel.
- Yes.
- You're marrying her? - Yes.
- Her? - Yes.
What's she got that my Cassie hasn't? And another thing Thank you.
Have you got any intention of doing anything about that woman? - Who? - Cassie.
- Yes.
- What? It's one thing her meddling in our lives, but I do not want my parents involved.
- I know, I know.
I'll sort it out.
- Good! Ah, the orders of service have arrived.
Angela, I wouldn't worry about that in there.
- What? - About Cassie.
It was a long time ago.
I am worrying.
It seems very much in the present as far as Cassie is concerned.
It was one night.
If every woman I'd slept with behaved like that No, no, what I'm trying to say is - How many of these women are there? - Not many.
Not many at all.
A few.
- What's a few? - Less than 30.
- Oh, my God! - Over 20 years.
Angela, that's only an average of 1.
4 a year.
Look, I'm very focused on Mel right now.
She's the only one in my bed - life! Very much the only one.
I really wanted you to know that.
Angela, have you seen my fountain pen? - Just clearing up one or two things.
- Right.
I spoke to Eve, she's bringing your wristwatch today.
- Don't bother.
- You want to keep the condoms? - No, I do not! - Of course you don't.
Dick, I think I saw your fountain pen in the drawing room.
Right, well we'll be probably heading back to London in about an hour.
- Oh, good.
- Mel's hen night and my stag do.
I see.
My last night of freedom before marriage and a lifetime of slavery.
Um Not that I'm suggesting you're Angela's slave.
Far from it.
She lets you do stuff.
I mean, you're the one that wears the trousers.
Not that Angela doesn't sometimes wear the trousers.
You both wear the trousers.
That's the great thing about your marriage, Dick.
I mean equal trousers.
Howard, you've been under a lot of strain lately.
- Yeah.
- I've been thinking If you want more time for things to settle down, I'm sure we'd be able to postpone the wedding.
- Postpone the wedding? - Yes.
Oh, no, I don't think that'll be necessary, Dick.
- I think it's worth considering.
- It's a kind offer, but I don't think so.
- It wouldn't be any trouble.
- There's no need.
- Just say, and I'll pull the plug.
- I don't want to pull the plug.
- Why don't you sleep on it? - I don't need to.
Mull it over.
- I don't want to postpone it.
- I can cancel it in a jiffy.
I'll leave it with you.
(Bark) Come on, Eve! Right.
Can I speak frankly? - (Sighs) Yes.
- You look shite.
Sorry, Eve, love.
You haven't got the frame for figure-hugging.
- You should go baggy.
- At least I'm invited to the wedding.
(Phone ringing) What do you think? Hello.
Howard Steel's office.
Eve Whittle speaking.
Well, his stag night's tonight.
It's just my boyfriend Martin's going, and he's lost the address.
White Horse in Richmond.
Thanks very much.
(Knock on door) - You all right, Dad? - Yes, I'm fine.
I was thinking, we haven't had much time to talk, recently.
This wedding has rather taken over our lives.
In fact, you and I have hardly talked about the wedding at all.
No, I don't suppose we have.
You do think you'll be happy with? - Howard.
- Him, yes.
Yes, of course I do.
Look, I know the last few days have been a bit odd, but he's the one for me, Dad.
So no second thoughts, then? None.
Cos it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.
- I love him.
- You loved Henry, but didn't marry him.
Henry was my pony.
It wouldn't be any trouble to put things on hold.
I don't want to put things on hold.
- Well, don't completely rule it out.
- Dad, I want to marry Howard.
I want to be his wife and the mother of his children.
(Angela screaming) For God's sake! - What is it? - Mum? The orders of service have arrived.
Looks fine.
What's wrong? Read the front page.
"Welcome to the marriage of Melissa, daughter of Mr and Mrs Richard "Cock.
" Oh, God They're all the same.
- Can't you do anything right? - I didn't proofread them.
- Yes.
That much is obvious.
- Somebody else proofread them.
Who? Don't worry about these, Angela.
There's a printers we use at work, they're very reliable.
They'll have these sorted in no time.
I'll bet this has happened to you before, Dick? - No.
- Right.
You all right, honey? You've been very quiet.
In two days we'll be married, and then The Seychelles beckons.
- Are you really OK? - Yeah.
I tell you what, why don't we run through your checklist one more time? - See if we can avoid any more cock-ups.
- Oh, yeah.
- Suit.
- Ben's bringing it down tomorrow.
- Hat.
- Angela's arranged colour coordination.
- Shoes.
- Brogues, black, in the bag.
- Good.
- Brand new.
Needs ironing.
- Cufflinks.
- These are the only ones I've got! - Tie.
- Choice of four.
- Your mother can choose.
- What initials are on your cufflinks? - H and C.
- C? What does C stand for? Erm H and C?! Hot and Cold? Or Howard and Cassie! Howard and Ca! (Laughs) Don't be ridiculous.
Honestly OK, she gave them to me two birthdays ago, as a present.
It was no big deal.
You know, I just - liked them, so I kept them.
- You plan to wear them to our wedding? - No.
- For God's sake! What's going on? - Nothing! - Why do I think you're not truthful? - You're keeping stuff from me! - I'm not! Sometimes I don't even know who you are, Howard! - That is, if your name is Howard! - Of course it is.
Oh, well, that is something! Well, I say that, actually Howard is my middle name.
My first name is Ronald.
Well, I've always been known as Howard.
Enjoy your hen night.
(Door opens) That's the one.
- Thanks.
That is a great help.
- Unbelievable.
- Mr and Mrs Richard Cock.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's Dick Cock.
- Yeah.
Dick, Cock! You got it.
Tell those printers to do it properly this time.
Yeah, cool.
I'll sort it out tomorrow.
Thanks a lot.
So? I couldn't help overhearing Eve talking about your stag night.
- Oh, right.
- It's tonight, isn't it? Yeah, so it is.
Uh, yeah It's probably going to be really boring.
I was just wondering if if I could come along.
Oh, I'd love to invite you, Dom, it's just, Ben's organised it all, - Why didn't he invite me? - I honestly don't know.
- Cos I set his trousers on fire? - Who knows? - I was only trying to light his farts! - With a blowtorch.
- Come on, How, man.
- Look, Dom, if it was up to me, I mean Look, thanks for sorting the orders of service.
See you, then.
Mel, it's me.
Look, I feel absolutely terrible.
Let's rock, baby! I don't want to talk now, Ronald! I wasn't going to wear the cufflinks.
- Not now! - I was going to buy cufflinks.
Those were my backup cufflinks.
- Howard! Go away! - Mel? Mel! - She told me to go away.
- Forget about that.
Come on, let's party! Richard.
- Ah, and Mick.
- Ben.
What are you doing? You're early.
I said eight o'clock precisely.
It's 20 to.
Oh, right.
Where are the others? They're not here, because they're not early.
You've ruined it! Come on, Ben.
Look, quickly, before I forget - Could you look after this? - What? - The wedding ring.
- You shouldn't have that tonight! I know, I know, I'm sorry, I just forgot.
God, as if I hadn't enough to worry about.
Ben, it's an old family heirloom, please don't lose it.
Safe as houses.
I'm very cross with you for being early.
- You're meant to make an entrance.
- Wahey! - Eh? Come on! - What the bloody hell is he doing here? - He begged me.
- We didn't invite him.
We agreed! - He's all right.
- He's a spectacular pain in the arse! - He's not that bad.
- Benny.
Benny the bender.
How do you do it, you great fat bender! (Women laughing, lively music) Oh, this is shite.
Where is everyone? I don't understand it.
I issued everyone with a map and a timetable.
Bloody voicemail! Only an hour late.
Do you think I should call Mel again? - Looks like you screwed up.
- I did not screw up, Dom.
I do not screw up.
- Where is everyone, then? - I don't know.
This is the worst stag night I've ever been on.
- Shall I call Mel again? - No, for Christ's sake! This is your stag night.
Relax! You're scheduled to have fun.
Sitting in a pub? We can do this any night of the week.
- Look, I didn't even want you here.
- Guys! Guys Why couldn't we have done something fun, like paintballing? I suggested paintballing, he didn't want to go paintballing.
- Why not paintballing? - I don't like it.
You don't like go-kart racing either.
I suggested it.
- I love go-kart racing.
- Me, too.
Why couldn't we go, you great bender? - I don't like go-kart racing.
- (Mimics) I thought it would be nice to spend a civilised evening with my friends.
- Where are they then? - How the hell should I know? - You all right? - Mm.
Did I tell you that I dumped Giles? Why? Did you catch him wearing his old lover's cufflinks? Huh? Was he wearing his old girlfriend's cufflinks? No.
Just wearing his old girlfriend.
Alec Banneman never wore someone else's cufflinks.
Alec Banneman? What are you thinking about him for? I bumped into his sister last week.
She said he's doing really well.
God, why did I ever dump Alec Banneman? Um, because he was the most boring man on the planet.
But he never wears old girlfriend's cufflinks.
Pick up the phone, Mel, for God's sake.
He's been a drag about this wedding.
He's knocked back every idea I suggested - cutting the cake with a ceremonial sword, my father's, lend the event a bit of class.
But he doesn't want to.
A sword! That sounds like a cracking idea to me.
Just for the first slice, for the photos.
After that, a cake slice.
- Yeah, more practical.
- Exactly.
So I said to my father, "Clean up the sword, bring it when you visit.
" But he won't use it.
Why won't you use it, you miserable bender? Is this thing happening tonight, or not? I've got 12 steaks downstairs waiting for you lot.
- We're waiting for the others.
- You've got the right night? - Of course we've got the right night.
- And the right White Horse? Hi, Alec, it's it's Mel.
Mel Cook.
Blast from the past.
Oh, it's a shame you're not there.
Look, I'm l'm getting married in a couple of days, and I'm calling to see how you are.
What's what's going on in your life? Yeah Look, I'm really sorry about some of the things I said when we split up.
I think I said you were boring, which is not fair.
You're not boring at all.
A lot of the time things with you were very unboring.
That weekend at The Motor Show was so not boring! Anyway, it would be great to to catch up and and and yeah.
Um bye.
(Benny) Right, it's this way.
- The other White Horse, idiots! - We'll get a cab.
Mel, it's me.
That's right, yeah, yeah.
Are you OK? No, no, it's just you're slurring your words quite badly.
Look, I've got to see you, honey.
No, no, don't go to bed.
Look, honestly, my mother said never go to sleep on a row.
That's it, yeah.
Yeah, try and get it all up.
Oh, dear.
Look, I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Thanks for the party, guys.
I've got to see Mel.
- What?! Get back here! - Hey! No, Simon, stay there, we'll come to you.
It's just simpler that way.
We'll be there in ten minutes! Oh, for God's sake! Hello Howard.
- What are you doing? - You're not getting the message.
- What? - My life isn't worth living, without you.
I've been through all this with your father.
This has to stop.
- Call the wedding off.
- No! I'm marrying Mel! Goodbye, then, Howard.
What? Oh, I see, right, yeah.
I will jump.
- Good.
- I will! Well, go on, then.
Do it! Go on! Jump! Kill yourself! - Steady on.
- Throw yourself off.
If you're going to do it, do it! But it's not going to make the slightest bit of difference.
(Splash) Oh, Jesus, no! Cassie! Cassie! You're not scheduled to jump off a bridge! - Howard! - And you're supposed to be best man! Get in there and help! Cassie Mel.
It's Alec Banneman.
Alec, hi.
Yeah, that's right.
Long time no hear.
Yeah, married in two days' time.
So, what's happening in your life? Oh, that's great.
What is it? An Audi.
No, no, I I don't know it.
Oh, well, that's a good colour.
Is it unleaded? Diesel.
Right, right, yeah.
(Siren) (Police radio chatter) "Do it," he says.
"Jump!" So she did! I mean, no-one was more surprised than me.
Can you imagine my face? - You saved my life.
- Oh, shut up! I won't give up.
I love you! Now, that is what I call a great stag night! - How's Ben? - Oh, he swallowed a lot of water.
- I shouldn't have pushed him in.
- What do you mean? - He can't swim.
- (Siren wails) What? Can I ask you some questions, sir? - Sorry? - Just a few questions.
- That's my best man.
- It won't take long.
Where are they taking him? My God, he's got the ring! - Ben! Ben! - Just a couple of questions! Look, will you just piss off? I've done nothing wrong! I need to talk to my fiancée.
I mean, solicitor!