The Yard (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

The Great Compromise

[School bell rings] [Nick]: From the outside, the yard looks like a fun place to be-- Kids playing, hanging out But it's stressful as hell to keep everything in check.
As the leader, I gotta look cool and in control, but the truth is, staying on top of everything is killing me, and if it's not one thing, it's another.
And if I don't get a break soon, I'm gonna crack.
[Locker door slams shut] ["Flight of the Bumblebee"] See, everyone needs something from somebody, and my job is to hook them up.
My feet hurt.
Well, your shoes are on the wrong feet.
Oh, damn it! Not again! Can you hear that buzzing? Do you think I swallowed a bee? Do you think it's still alive? Could it build a hive inside of me and make honey? [Man]: Why do they call you Question Mark? Why do they call anybody anything? Could that sting me? Uh, I'd better ask Ashok.
Hey, Ashok.
What's he gonna do? Well, he knows the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
He does? [Ashok]: Come on, let's go.
Everything will be okay.
[Nick]: On top of that, I gotta deal with every freak show, freak out, and freak accident that happens in the yard.
[Question Mark coughs] [Ashok]: Ah, there you go.
[Nick]: Some kids need my help more than others.
I'm sorry to bother you, Nick, but I need a can opener.
What for? Well, this is all my mom gave me for lunch.
All right.
What's inside? Who knows? My mom fell off the wagon.
It could be anything.
It could be peaches, it could be dog food.
Either way, it's something.
Cory needs a lot of help, because he doesn't have anyone else to help him.
Today for lunch, I got a frozen chicken breast.
Today for lunch I got a mystery can! Today I got oxy? Icky-ban, and some kind of lollipop with the stick missing.
All right.
I'll work on getting you a can opener.
But until then, here.
Take this apple.
Okay.
Thanks, Nick.
[Nick]: I was staying on top of it all, but barely.
But the peanut racket was a whole new set of problems.
Ever since I took it over, every day has been like this hellish grind.
[Screw]: Okay, let's see your bag.
Open it up.
[Nick]: See, most kids get to the yard just before the first bell.
[School bell rings] [Screw]: What've we got here? [Nick]: But for me, it's the second time I'm here.
The first time is way before most kids are even awake.
["Rewind" sound effect] I've got to get to the yard even before the janitor, 'cause when you're smuggling in 64 individually-wrapped contraband PB&J sandwiches it's best if there are no witnesses.
Then I do my paper route and get home before my brothers are up.
Eight thirty-two: I make breakfast for my brothers and my dad.
And I get back to school in time for the bell.
[School bell rings] At the first recess, Adam and his crew dig up the bag.
No one suspects them 'cause they're just little kids.
[Kid sniffs] Then Adam takes the product and walks it across the yard.
[Kid]: Here, here.
Pass.
Come on, I'm open.
Nice shot! [Nick]: Then he takes it to the far corner, where he drops it off with Johnny.
[Skipping girls singing] Suzi keeps an eye out for the screws.
[Bell clangs] And anyone else who might be watching.
[Helicopter] [Johnny]: Here you go, man.
[Skipping girls sing] [Girl]: Crunchy.
[Johnny]: Thank you.
Here you go.
- Ca-caw! Ca-caw! [Johnny]: Quick! Get out of here! There you go.
[Nick]: The whole thing's a whole lot of work, and it's nerve-racking, and it goes on all day long.
I'm stressed.
After school, most kids go home, play, hang out with friends Not me.
I never even get to see my associate, Mary, anymore.
I know Nick's got a lot on his plate, but I kinda wish he'd learn to delegate more.
Ugh! I'm worried about him.
It's a lot for one guy to handle, and he seems totally overworked.
You know he makes all the sandwiches himself? - [Nick]: I gotta make 64 individually-wrapped sandwiches.
Some kids want them with smooth peanut butter, some kids want them with crunchy, and you gotta make 'em how moms make 'em.
You know, made with love.
Then I gotta make dinner by the time my dad gets home from his day job, and then I do the dishes, then I help my brothers with their homework, put them to bed, read them a story, then I have a glass of chocolate milk to take the edge off to help me go to sleep.
But lately it hasn't been working.
Most nights I just sit up worrying about all the shit I gotta do and how much time and money it all takes.
First I gotta buy all the stuff.
I gotta buy the best quality peanut butter, fresh bread, premium jam, and that stuff drives my overhead through the roof.
Plus, I gotta buy epi- injectors for the allergic kids so they don't go into shock and, like, die.
But those things ain't cheap.
Most people don't understand the work I put into it and the money I spend.
And some kids abuse the system.
I really shouldn't eat PB&Js, 'cause I'm deathly allergic.
But the thing is, I really love 'em! And now that Nick's providing all these free epi- injectors, I can eat all I want! It feels like I'm invincible! Ahhh.
[Kid]: Not so quick.
[Kid]: Yeah, nice try.
[Alistair choking] [Kids keep talking] Ashok! [Kid]: What's with Alistair? [Ashok]: It's true.
Some kids could die from eating a peanut.
But there'll always be a demand for them.
You okay? And so PB&Js will always be a part of our society, and you can never change that.
All you can do is make it safe, and Nick gives me the tools to do that.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Thanks, man.
I owe you my life.
Ah, you don't owe me anything.
But it could help if you can pay for the cost of an EpiPen.
Say ten bucks? Ten bucks! Who do you think I am, King Tut? Five? Five bucks? I can't believe you're putting a price on my life! The PB&J racket is a business, and you gotta run it like a business.
Nick runs it like a frickin' charity, and you can't do that, 'cause if you do, kids'll take advantage of you.
[Kids playing] We need more EpiPen injectors, Nick.
Well, how much money do we have in the PB&J fund? Like 18 bucks.
That's it? Yeah, you've been giving a lot of sandwiches on credit.
Well, maybe we should clean out the paper route account.
Well, I was saving to get a remote-controlled airplane, but I get that's not gonna happen Fucking epi-injectors We can't go on like this.
We're losing money.
If we're losing money, then maybe we should put a sort of tax on each PB&J.
We could use that money to buy more epi- injectors.
It doesn't have to be much, like 50 cents each.
I mean, the kids should understand.
What the fuck! This is total crap! What? It's only 50 cents more.
I'm on a tight budget.
I get five bucks a week, and that just barely covers my basic expenses.
I used to eat chocolate bars from the corner store.
Now I have to buy generic bulk candy! I can't afford a 40 cent price increase, let alone 50! Nick's stupid tax idea is fucking retarded.
He's going to charge everyone else more just because a couple of nerds are allergic to peanuts? The only way to cure these retarded allergic kids, is letting them learn to take care of themselves.
If you prop up weak kids, they're only going to become more dependent on handouts.
It's survival of the fattest, man.
Yeah, it's all part of God's plan.
If God wanted people to help people who couldn't help themselves, he would have said so, but he didn't, did he? [Man]: Well, actually, he did.
No, he didn't.
[Man]: Yeah, he did.
Did not.
[Man]: Well, I think he did.
Did not! What he said was if you can't handle the heat, get out of the-- [Expletive beep] [Expletive beep] [Expletive beep] [Mickey sighs] - Man, it's a complete fucking rip-off! I'm not trying to rip you off.
I'm just trying to cover expenses! - Hey, Nick, did you get those epi-injectors I asked for? - Christ - [Cory]: Hey, Nick.
Please tell me you're not here to complain about the tax.
No, Nick.
I'm allergic to PB&Js, remember? Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
What do you need? - I was just wondering if you-- - Nick! I glued my fingers together! You gotta help me! Can I at least have a sandwich on credit? Hey, Nick.
Why is the sky blue? Hey, Nick.
Nick! Did you ever get that can opener I asked for? Nick! If you don't help me, my fingers are going to be stuck like this forever! Then why the fuck did you glue your fingers together in the first place? And what the fuck do you expect me to do about it? [Voices become distorted] What about that can opener? Nick! Hey, Nick! - sandwich - injectors I asked for? Hey, Nick! Nick! I need help! Free slide? Sure, knock your self out [Voices become normal again] Dude, you okay? [Cory]: Nick! What's wrong? Um yeah, I just fell.
[Ashok]: What happened? - I don't know.
I got dizzy - [Kid]: You don't look that good.
You're a little warm.
Pulse is a little fast.
Let me take your temperature.
Okay, pants down.
What? Just kidding.
Little medical humor.
Heartbeat's a little irregular.
You seem to be running a slight fever.
You need to get more rest.
Maybe take a nap once in a while.
I don't have time for naptime anymore, Ashok.
Nick, you can't go on like this.
[Nick]: I just don't think I could do it anymore.
I mean, I have to get off the merry-go-round for a while.
If I keep going like this, I know I'm going to fuck something up.
Something big.
I can feel it.
That's why I gotta walk away.
But that's not an option.
What other options do I have? - [Screw]: Mm-hmm! What took you so long? [Screw]: Confiscate him.
Cuff him.
Cuff him! Oooh! Oh-ho! Oh, yeah! [School bell rings] Hey, is Nick here yet? [J.
J.
]: Nope.
Nuts! Guys! There's no product! What? In the sandbox.
No backpack, no "samwiches".
Maybe he forgot.
He never forgets.
Where the fuck is Nick, anyway? [Johnny]: He's always here by now.
Maybe he's in trouble.
I'm sure he's all right, Adam.
Then where the fuck is he? [Cell phone rings] Your cell phone's ringing.
I don't have a cell phone.
Well, there's something ringing in your backpack.
[Cell phone ringing] Hey, Suzi.
Nick! Where the fuck are you? I'm home.
I got popped.
What the fuck? The screws popped me when I was doing my morning drop.
I got suspended.
Think you got ratted out? Don't worry about that.
I need you to focus.
You and Johnny gotta run things for me while I'm gone.
Johnny's gonna take over the PB&J racket.
There's a stash of sandwiches under the stairs way in the back.
It's only 30 sandwiches, but it'll get you through the day.
I need you to take care of everything else.
J Jesus, Nick! I can't do what you do! You can lean on J.
J.
if you need him.
Don't worry, it'll be fine.
It's only for a few days.
God.
Suspended.
That's gotta suck.
Yeah, it does, suck! [Toaster oven dings] Oh, gotta go.
My Pizza Pops are ready.
On one hand, it did suck.
But on the other hand, having a little "me time" wasn't so bad.
Besides, I knew I was leaving the yard in good hands.
[He burps] [Videogame beeps] Suzi and Johnny taking over Nick's place was a total disaster.
They tried as hard as they could, but they just weren't up to the job.
Suzi, Suzi! Do you think I swallowed another bug? Maybe.
Do I need another Heimlich Manoeuvre? Why not? Ugh! Hey, Suzi, the grade sixes won't let me play tetherball with them.
Have you tried beating them up? - No - Well, maybe you should give it a try.
Okay.
Next.
Suzi, someone hit me.
Okay, here's what you do.
Get a pad of paper and a little pencil and write a letter to someone who gives a fuck.
Put it in an envelope and mail it to Fat Chance, Manitoba.
And running the peanut racket went completely to Johnny's head.
[Suzi]: First of all, he started eating the product himself.
Then, he started giving the girls free sandwiches, so they'd think he was some kind of big shot.
Johnny became an even bigger fart sack than ever.
[Johnny humming] And the money he made on the sandwiches he did sell? He blew it on a fancy new magic suit.
[Johnny grunting] [Girls laughing] It was amazing.
In no time at all, Johnny drove Nick's whole operation into the ground.
What a nut munch [Johnny grunting] And something else was bugging me too: who was the person that ratted Nick out and got him busted in the first place? So I started asking around.
A little gentle questioning here and there.
And I couldn't believe who it turned out to be.
It was Mary! It was all Mary's idea! It was my idea, and it seemed like a good plan at the time-- I rat Nick out, he's gone for a few days.
To the kids it looked like he had no choice.
I thought it would give him the break he needed.
Meanwhile, it puts an end to my brother's suspicions that there was something going on between me and his worst enemy.
But it didn't really work out the way I hoped.
No, YOU don't fucking understand.
All Nick's ever tried to do is protect everyone from fucktards like your brother, and I thought you were trying to help him, but you were just setting him up all along.
And he trusted you! I thought you were different, but you're not.
- Suzi-- - You're just like your brother.
A total two-faced rat-fuck douche bag! Ugh! - Johnny, we're out of epi- injectors.
We need some more.
Look, I can't.
I'm out of money right now.
- I'm sorry to bug you - What do you want, Cory? I need a can opener to open my lunch Nick said he was gonna get me one, but since he's not here, I thought you might.
Ehh not really.
But listen, take this.
It's from my personal stash.
Johnny, I can't eat this sandwich.
I'm allergic.
Look, don't worry about it.
My treat.
I wish I could do better, but I'm completely broke right now.
Okay, thanks.
Sorry, did I just hear you say you were broke? Yeah, totally.
[Locker door slams shut] [Patti]: I wasn't just into Johnny because of his money.
I like Johnny, and he's kind of crazy, and when you're crazy and got a lot of money, that's eccentric.
But when you're crazy and broke, that's just kind of depressing.
[Kid]: Did you get that text? [Kid]: I did! Patti's kind of like the canary in the gold mine-- When the gold's gone, she flies away.
So when I found out she left Johnny, I knew that whole crew was in serious trouble.
Hey, we've been seeing you hanging out with Johnny a lot lately.
What, did he cast a spell on you? He must have cast a spell on you so you wouldn't realize how retarded he is.
And those outfits he wears? [Pork Chop]: Yeah, what's up with that? Yeah, what's up with all his retarded outfits? Is he like, your boyfriend? He is not my boyfriend.
What happened? He's broke.
How broke? He can't even pay his own people.
The whole situation's a fail.
Jesus motherfrickin' Christ, Mary.
You ripped their hearts out.
They're ruined! You know, there was a rumor going around that you liked Nick.
I didn't believe it.
I mean, you would never like a little pussy like that.
But then you ratted him out.
Boy, you just kicked him where it hurts.
Right in the dink! Yeah, right in the nut sack.
I couldn't believe it when I found out.
Mary, you're the best.
[Mary]: The situation was out of control.
I needed to get Nick back.
Hello? Nick, where the hell are you? Uh, uh, uh [He clears his throat] Mary.
Oh, hey.
Mary's not the boss of me, but you know, uh My tummy is killing me.
Four days, Nick.
That was our plan.
Your crew is fudging up.
My brother's about to take over, so I suggest you get over your "tummy ache"-- Oh, my God! Something's wrong with Cory! Huh? [Helicopter] [Siren in the distance] [Kid]: What's wrong? [Kid]: It's Cory! [Kid]: What happened to him? [Kid]: I don't know.
He's on a stretcher, though.
Where are they taking him? Cory! Cory! Cory, what happened? I tried to eat just a crust, but I must have come in contact with some peanut butter.
Oh, shit.
It's gonna be okay.
Just hang in there.
Listen, if I don't make it, tell my mom she's the coolest mom that a kid could have.
And tell her that she shouldn't put cans of spaghetti in the microwave anymore.
That's why her microwaves keep breaking.
[Kid]: Poor Cory [Siren in the distance] [Nick]: Seeing Cory on that stretcher, I just thought, Holy fudge.
I fucking fudged up.
It's my fault, Mary.
No, it's not.
It's Johnny's fault.
No, it's not.
I'm the leader, and I fudged up.
You didn't fudge up.
The world's a fudged up place.
You can't do everything for everyone.
But at least you're trying.
Okay, I know what I have to do.
I may not like it, but it's the right thing.
[ [Kid]: Huh! Look at these guys.
You mind? I need to talk to Frankie alone.
What's up? I got a proposition for you.
I'm gonna let you run the peanut racket under one condition: I'm going to outsource it to you, which means you gotta follow my rules, or the deal's off.
What rules? First off, you do it safe and you make sure your guys have epi-injectors in stock for the allergic kids, and every week you have to give me a cut of your profits.
You mean like a kickback? You might be learning something about business after all.
It's not a kickback; It's a license fee.
Don't worry about what to call it, Nick.
We've got an understanding.
Good.
'Cause if you fuck it up, I'm taking it back.
I realized everyone has their part to play in the yard, even the bullies and the jerks like Frankie.
They play their part.
I got my part to play too.