The Yard (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

The Free Market Stinks

Kid, you are on it.
Before the day is done, and I got no idea-- On the fly.
Here we go.
Everyone wants to look good for their school photo.
It's like a snapshot of who you were that year.
I mean, this is how you'll be remembered for the rest of your life.
- But it's nerve-racking, though, because you have to pick out just the right outfit.
And you have to keep it clean all day.
If you spill something on it, there's no time to go home and change.
God! Could you imagine having your picture taken in an outfit with a big stain on it? That'd be a total disaster! The two things you need on picture day are clean clothes and a good smile, but a good smile is hard for kids to fake-- They actually have to be happy, and keeping kids happy is part of my job.
It's hard, though, 'cause you gotta give them what they want, and a good thing for one person could be a bad thing for someone else.
The yard is a loosely regulated free market, and I'm the one who oversees it.
There's all kinds of trade, and some can be sketchy.
That's when I have to step in.
I got a lot of kids behind me, so that gives me some juice.
But Frankie Frankie has the cash to buy a lot of power and a lot of people.
And that creates problems.
- Twenty-five cents, guys.
For 25 cents, this kid is gonna eat some slugs.
Check it out.
It's only 25 cents.
Yeah, what else can you get nowadays for 25 cents? They call it the free market for a reason.
It's not like we were forcing him to do it.
He wanted to do it.
He didn't have a lunch, so this way he got something to eat, I made a few bucks, slipped him a couple bucks for being such a good sport-- Everybody's happy.
Yeah, everybody's happy.
Eww! That's gross! And you're okay with that? Kids will pay to see it; he's willing to do it.
What's wrong with that? Yeah, you got a fucking problem with that? Business has got to be free to do business, but sometimes the yard needs protection from business, and it's up to me to keep the balance between the two.
What's the big deal? People in France eat that shit all the time.
He has no choice because he has no money! And you fucking well know that, Frankie! Grow up, Nick.
That's the way of the world.
There's also a medical issue here.
Live slugs carry a range of infectious agents.
Rat Lungworm, meningitis, streptococcus.
Strepto what? Whatever.
Look, I don't care how you make your money, but if Cory gets sick, you're paying for his medication.
All right.
If he gets sick, I'll get your boy what he needs, but until then, stay out of my way and don't tell me how to run my business.
You're not my mom.
Fine.
Slugs are one thing, but some problems really reek, and the smelliest are Frankie's.
I'm always trying to expand my business, and to do that, I have to stay ahead of the markets.
And to do that, I always have to have the next big thing.
Take the stink bomb market, for example.
Come on.
Let's go.
Hook me up.
Yeah, yeah, one.
I'll take two.
There's a huge demand for stink bombs, so you can make a lot of money in the stink bomb trade.
But there's a lot of competition.
Any idiot can make a stink bomb with an envelope and some poo.
Shit! What the hell? But my stink bombs have to be the best.
Boys build gross things 'cause they can't have babies.
A stink bomb's like the closest thing a boy will ever get to having a baby.
Five bucks.
Yeah, thanks, man.
What's in it? Tabasco and pee.
A stink bomb is like a boy in bomb form.
They're easy to break, and they're smelly.
I'll take one.
Check it out.
I'm going to wear it on picture day.
Super cute.
What is that smell? - Stupid stink bomb-- Whoa! Aw, it's an envelope full of poo! Eww! Gross! And I almost got it on my new dress! Ugh! You gotta do something about the stink bombs.
They're everywhere and the whole yard reeks! I slipped on an envelope full of dog poo today.
- That's too bad - Nick, it's not funny.
Picture day is coming up.
If it happened then, I'd wreck my dress.
Mary, I'd love to help, but my hands are tied.
The boys want their stink bombs, and it's a free country.
Well, we should be free to live in a world free of stink! You gotta do something! What am I supposed to do? I thought you ran the yard.
I do.
So? So Mary's not the boss of me, but uh Listen up, guys.
The stink bomb situation is totally out of control.
I got the girls breathing down my neck, complaining about it, everyone's tripping all over them, and the whole yard stinks.
That's why I've called all you stink bomb producers here-- To decide on one design.
The guy who can come up with an idea of a stink bomb that doesn't stink up the yard outside the specified stink zone wins.
But if you lose, you can't make stink bombs anymore.
Alistair, what do you got? Nick, you know my stink bombs.
They're cheap, reliable, and I make them at home.
I just put my dog's shit in an envelope, and, bam! We're done.
And my mom has a whole box of envelopes at home.
And I just steal them.
Plus, my dog shits like every day, so there's way more where that came from.
Yeah, only the envelopes are all over the yard, you numbskull! That's why we have the problem in the first place! Roman, what do you got? My stink bombs are biodegradable.
They're made from 100% repurposed materials, the philosophy being that the smell that comes from the earth should go back into the earth.
Interesting.
How long does it take to make, say, a box? A whole box? Maybe a month or two.
But first I gotta order the supplies from a farm in Oregon.
Ehh too long.
Wayne, whataya got? Well, I run water through the boys' gym socks.
I boil it, distil it, and produce a lethal concentrate.
How lethal? It killed my hamster.
Too lethal.
All right, Frankie, if you want permission to distribute stink bombs, I want to see what you got.
Nick, I got something real special.
It's cheap, it's contained, and as far as stink goes, it's rank.
Plus, it's scientifically guaranteed.
What do you mean, scientifically guaranteed? You got an F in Science! Yeah, but I hired someone who got an A plus.
Who? The mole.
The mole? Who's the mole? Only like the smartest kid in school! Last year's science fair, I came in with a recreation of a medieval catapult, accurate within a The mole had created in second.
An explosive device that could actually implode and eliminate matter, turning it into anti- matter.
And, plus, she's really cute.
I've always been fascinated by how societies function.
My first passion was ant farms.
And then I learned the naked mole rats function in colonies, much like social insects-- Always building, growing, expanding.
So curious! So I built a glass home for them to build their tunnels in, and they generated so much thermal energy that I was able to contain it and create an electric charge that'd give them a shock when they tried to escape from their tunnels.
Cool.
Like I said, I have to stay on top of all my markets, and to do that, I have to hire the best people to do my R&D.
As far as brains go, the mole's the best.
She's a total freak, but she knows what she's doing.
So, what's your plan? I've concocted a highly potent stink liquid.
Its smells combine several stenches repugnant to the human olfactory gland, including vomit, fecal waste, burnt hair, rotting garbage, as well as ammonium sulphide.
Ammonium sulphide is extremely nasty.
When exposed to air, hydrolyzes, releasing hydrogen sulphide and ammonia.
I propose we fill the stink liquid into a drum, and bury it deep beneath the sand.
Then we attach a hose to a pressurized bicycle pump so we can pump it up to the surface.
Then we can fill stink bombs with maximum efficiency.
You're gonna bury in our sandbox? It will be under the sand.
No one will know it's there, and because it's underground, the stink will be contained.
You won't smell a thing.
But where are we gonna play? I've been working on this sand castle for two whole days! That's all part of the plan, you see? We will be like the mole rats.
We will build a tunnel underground.
What do you mean? We will bury a long hose across the yard.
That way, the stink station will be out of sight and out of mind from the screws and from these delectable little children.
What do you think, Adam? I guess, but how do we know it's gonna be safe? Don't worry.
Nothing bad could happen.
The drum is rubber, so it cannot break or be punctured, and I'm prepared to any kind of contingency, including fire ants, tornadoes, and, yes, even naked mole rats.
Okay, you win, Frankie.
I'll give you the contract.
You can produce and distribute stink bombs in the yard.
But you have to give me a cut of your profits-- Kind of like a tax.
And if anything goes wrong, it's on you.
Relax, Nick.
It's all under control.
I hate Frankie, and the mole gives me the heebie jeebies, but I gotta admit, they both run a very tight operation.
Start pumping.
The mole's underground contraption really took care of the stink problem, contained it, and got the product to the kids.
I'm filling up my treasure chest, the kids are happy Stink bomb! Ugh! Fuck, man! The yard isn't full of shit anymore, and Mary's happy.
How do you like me now? For once, things were finally going smoothly in the yard.
Maybe Frankie was right-- What could possibly go wrong? Hmm? Oh, dear.
Oh, my.
Oh! Oh, my! We have a situation.
Blegh! I think I need medical attention.
What's going on? Nothin'.
It smells like shit! We had to take the system offline for a while.
Checking some stuff out.
Yes.
Pressure gauges.
Standard stuff.
Routine, really.
No biggie.
Don't worry.
It'll be back online soon.
Nick I don't feel good.
Ashok! What's wrong? You're burning up, man! What's wrong with him? I suspect he's been poisoned.
By what? I suspect some kind of poison.
Ho s shit! Adam's been poisoned?! Poisoned? No way.
Ashok, take him to the infirmary.
What the hell! It's leaking and it can't be stopped! Hey! Shut the fuck up! Can't be stopped? What do you mean, it can't be stopped? It has to be stopped! We can't have the screws finding out about this! And that shit is toxic! You have to fix this! Why should I have to fix it? It's the mole's fault.
She said it would work! You hired her.
She was under your payroll.
Hey, you gave us the contract.
I gave you the contract because you promised you could handle this without it being a problem, but you broke that promise! You want to start pointing fingers, or you want to solve this problem? You fucking need me here.
Let me and my team deal with this.
He was right.
I didn't like it, but I did need him.
Nick, what's going on? The kids are getting sick and the yard smells worse than before.
I thought you were supposed to regulate it.
You gotta do something.
I'm going to.
I'm going to.
I just gotta figure out what.
Nick, there's no time to figure things out.
You said you'd keep the stink zone contained, but now it's spreading everywhere.
Now you're making me look bad, because I told everyone you'd make it go away.
If you don't do something, you're going to lose the support of the kids.
Okay, I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
Aw! What is that? What's that horrible smell? Yeah, it smells like one of Mickey's farts, but worse! Okay, it's a small problem.
I'll take care of it.
Don't worry.
Well, you gotta do something.
It smells so bad, I think I'm gonna puke.
The yard reeks.
It's awful.
You can't ignore it.
The mole got sick.
Then Adam got sick.
What if more kids get sick? Meanwhile, Nick isn't doing anything about it.
Some of the kids are starting to wonder if Nick is really up to the job of handling this crisis.
Nick needs to do something.
There's a giant frickin' bubbling pile of stinking goo in the middle of the sandbox, and it's making all the kids sick.
He's supposed to be the leader.
What more does he need to know? Get rid of it, yo! Nick was losing the support of the kids by appearing indecisive.
Nick had to make a decision-- Do something, anything, just to seem decisive.
It's one of the tough things about leadership.
I knew I had to do something or I'd lose the support of the kids.
I also wanted to do the right thing.
What if I did the wrong thing and more kids got sick? Hey, Nick.
Nice hat.
- Thanks, jerk-off! You got a solution? Yeah, man.
It's a good business opportunity, too.
Air fresheners.
You wanna buy one? Air fresheners? Are you fucking kidding me? That's it.
I'm throwing you, your crew, and the mole in jail.
What? Jail? No one's been thrown in jail for years.
You've left me no choice.
What? You can't do that! You don't have the authority.
Yes, I do.
Ugh The yard is my turf.
This is bullshit! Total bullshit! No, you're bullshit.
The people have spoken.
It'd been a long meme since anyone had been put in jail, so we almost forgot how it worked.
Every lunch and recess, the kids march the prisoners from the school to the jungle gym.
They stick 'em in there, then guards are placed strategically around and on top of them, thus making escape virtually impossible.
I never thought Nick would have the stones to put me in jail-- On picture day of all days! Not that I give a crap about picture day.
I mean, I try and look sharp every day.
My dad says that the way you dress sets the tone for the day-- It shows that on that day, you came to play and not just fuck around.
Picture day is just another day to me, man.
I do think I look pretty sharp, though.
Me too.
Then why are you wearing that gay bowtie? Trying to impress your girlfriend Suzi? She's not my girlfriend.
I just think it's cool and all that she can beat people up.
She's your girlfriend.
No, she's not.
Girlfriend.
Fuck you.
Girlfriend.
Dumb ass! Hey! The reason why I wore this shirt for picture day is because my mom's boyfriend, Cameron, used my other shirt to polish his snowmobile.
Don't say a fuckin' word.
Picture day? Who cares about picture day? I got a major crisis on hand.
I gotta fix the stink bomb leak before it's the end of the day, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I gotta turn to the other kids and hope like hell that they have an idea that'll work.
My dad always says, ff you've got a problem, you should throw money at it.
Whataya got for me, Cory? Magical dinosaur sponges.
You throw 'em in the water and they grow ten times bigger.
They'll suck up all the goo.
Pretty soon, we'll have life-sized dinosaurs.
It will be awesome.
I saw this on the news.
Here's one way they stop oil spills: Golf balls! Just stand back.
Framaguous spectrum fabra! Alistair had the idea of attaching his mom's tampons to parachutes.
Now is a bust.
Maybe you should throw more money at it! I don't think that will help.
I wanted to talk to J.
J.
but he was being all pissy.
Look, man, we need a solution, okay? You're the smartest kid in this school.
Actually, I'm the second smartest kid in school, and the smartest kid is in jail, and you put her there.
Look, I had to do it.
If I didn't, I would lose support of the kids.
Yeah, but she's not to blame; Frankie is.
Look, J.
J.
, I can't bust her out.
I'm sorry.
But maybe she could bust herself out.
And maybe she could use a little help.
Do what you can.
Just came to bring the mole her math homework.
Math homework? What a fucking couple of love nerds! Heh-heh! Yeah.
Nice.
You okay? I never meant for this to happen.
I never meant for people to get hurt.
You're the smartest kid in school, and if you can't fix this leak, no one can.
I brought you your math homework.
I'm six chapters ahead on my math homework.
What are you talking about? Math homework! I said, you're the smartest kid in school.
You figure it out.
What about Suzi? She's cool.
She's in on it.
When I decided to jail those guys, I thought I was giving the kids what they wanted.
But justice is a complicated thing.
Where the fuck's the mole? I didn't like letting the mole out, but I needed her help.
I need your expertise.
Specifically, your science project.
What about my science project? Interesting.
You're interesting.
The plan was simple, but the execution was complicated.
That's why I needed the mole to carry it out.
For a plan to be considered ingenious, the key is simplicity.
I have my math test next.
As the leader of the yard, I've been busting my ass all year long trying to solve everyone's complicated fucking problems with all these complicated fucking solutions.
But I'm starting to think maybe I'm overthinking things.
You think it'll be enough? More than enough.
What the hell are you doing, Nick? Cleaning up your mess, Frankie.
Can we watch? Sure, just everyone stand back! When something goes wrong in the yard, you can't just point the finger and say, "It's that kid's fault".
'Cause things aren't that neat and tidy.
Aw, hell, no! What? Did you just kiss Nick? Kissing is fucking gross.
Hey, I thought you didn't like that kind of language.
Aw, fuck it.
Let's blow this fuckin' shit up! Sometimes you just gotta light the fuse, put on your safety goggles, and hope for the best.
Cheeeeeese! Are you frickin' kidding me? You got it all over your face.