This Country (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Peeping Tom
1
Got that from Bitza.
Shut up, please!
Can you just stop stressing out?
You've been stressed all morning.
He's getting so stressed out
cos this family's moved in
across the way and he's just
perving at the
daughter all morning.
I'm not perving! I'm not perving!
You are. He is.
I'm evaluating
the situation, yeah,
before I make my move,
so shut up.
There she is now.
Oh, wow.
Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?
And it's fate her moving across
the street.
Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.
God, he scrubs up well, don't he?
What's he doing?
Oh, he's snaking me,
he's getting there before I am!
Look, he's got his wallet
on his chain out,
and that's your thing as well.
That's my That's what I do,
innit?
He's pulling my pants down
right now.
I got to get down there. Right.
Ker, got any Lynx?
Yeah, in the bathroom.
Bathroom.
Two quid, that was.
And she threw in that as well.
Love that.
'The problem with finding a
girlfriend in the village is that
'most of the girls you meet round
here are old-age pensioners.'
Hey.
Hey. Kurtan.
Kayleigh.
So do you have a boyfriend?
Bloody hell, Slugs,
slow down, mate.
Let the girl move in first.
Do you want to go out on a date?
Again, Slugs, she
doesn't want to
go on a date cos
she's just moved in
and especially not with you.
She might. Would you
like to go out on a date?
Yeah.
What about me? Do you want to go
on a date with me?
Yeah? OK.
OK? Great.
Where would you like this? It's
all right, I'll
take it in for you.
I picked it up first,
so I'll take it in.
All right, well, we'll just
take it in together, then.
'Yeah, I am looking for
a relationship, but thing is'
I've just got so many
trust issues, yeah,
with being fucked over massive
in the past,
so no matter how much I get close
to someone now
I'm thinking
in the back of my head,
"Shit, am I going
to get fucked over?"
Because I've been fucked over
in the past massively.
My last relationship
proper fucked me up.
I asked out Kirsty
Taylor, right,
on the way down
the Hampton Court,
only for my best mate
Jack Russell to snake me.
I thought I was your best mate?
No, my best mate
in woodwork class.
So, I got car sick
on the way back
Yeah, I was in your
woodwork class.
Yeah. Yeah.
I got car sick on the way back so
I had to sit at the front with.
Mr Perkins while
Kirsty Taylor got
with Jack Russell
on the back seat.
Yeah, even though he bought her
a magnet from the gift shop.
No, it wasn't a magnet. It was a
magnet. No, it wasn't a magnet.
It was. It wasn't a magnet.
It was a bookmark with
all the queens on it.
Thing is, that should be annoying
me right now, but
look how much pleasure
she's getting from that.
I went through a really
dark phase, didn't I, Ker?
Listening to Papa Roach and just
blowing everything up
with them little French bangers.
He did, yeah.
What?
What?
Who?
The vicar?
The vicar?
Kerry's dad?
Shut up, you don't know
what you're talking about!
Do you know what?
This is utter slander.
Stop saying that about my dad!
The shit has hit the fan.
He is a peeper,
though, to be fair.
Kurtan, I heard that!
'I don't like the
man. I know he's
my uncle, but I don't like him.'
And I don't like
what he does to Ker.
Like, he don't give a rat's arse
about her because she's a girl.
And all he's ever wanted
is to bore a son
so he can teach
him how to concrete.
And Kerry's like a dog.
No matter how hard
you kick her, yeah,
she will still come back wagging.
Harsh.
Just saying.
You're all right,
though, ain't you?
Yeah.
So I've just been to my dad's,
but he wasn't there
because his girlfriend, Sandra,
kicked him out.
And he's living in a caravan
at the moment.
I'm just going to be there
for him, no matter what.
Just like he's been there for me.
Even though that
has been hard for
him to be there
for me, to be fair,
because he has
darts on a Wednesday
and skittles on a Thursday.
And the weekends are a write-off
because he likes his me-time.
I needed the toilet, right.
I was desperate cos I'd had four
points down the Keeper's. Yeah.
So I went in the bushes
by the ladies tennis club
and some meddling old tart
only goes and calls the police,
and said I'm peeping on her.
And I was aroused.
I weren't aroused,
just well-endowed.
Yeah. You can't shoot a man
for being well-endowed, Ker.
No. Now they're pressing charges.
Sandra's kicked me out.
The darts team
don't want to know.
I went in the pub yesterday, all
turned their back
on me, even Alan.
Even Alan? My life's
in bloody tatters, Ker.
Absolute tatters.
I'm in this bloody caravan
without a pot to piss in.
It's just malicious lies,
that's all it is.
They're jealous of what
God give me downstairs.
Yeah. And now
I've got nothing left.
You've got me, Dad. Nothing left.
I peeped once, in '78,
and I didn't like it.
I didn't like it one slice.
No. And I vowed to myself
to never peep again.
Yeah.
Tell a lie, I peeped
just once more.
Just to make
sure I didn't like it.
That was in '89. And I didn't
like it that time, neither.
No. I mean, I'm a milkman
by trade, Ker.
Don't you think I've got
better things to do?
It's all right, Dad,
the truth has to out.
No, it don't, Ker.
The next thing you know
you get a call from the police
who say
they've got CCTV footage
that absolutely nails you
and your DNA all over
a tennis racket cover.
I'm sorry, Ker,
but it's an absolute stitch-up.
It's all right,
I'll look after you, Dad.
THUD!
Oi!
Ah, leave it, Ker.
Leave it.
It's only Alan.
Bloody Alan.
Fucking little snake.
So, basically, Slugs is going to
have his date with Kayleigh
just before my date with her,
which actually
works in my favour,
because he'll be setting the bar
very, very low.
And by the time I get there I'll
be like a knight
in shining armour
and she'll be like
the damsel in distress
and she'll just come running
into my arms.
And if I have to,
I will punch him,
just to make sure Kayleigh knows
she's safe
..but that will be easy cos
it'll be like punching a turkey
or any other flightless bird.
That's sweet, innit?
That reminds me of Kayleigh
cos it looks so cute.
Oh, here he comes, slithering in,
snake in the grass.
'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,
'is that she's got to accept
I'm damaged goods
'and we will have
to take it slow,
'but time does heal even
the most cruellest of hearts.'
I'm not saying I've got
a cruel heart,
but if she ain't willing
to take me as I am
rather than the
monster I've become,
then she can
literally just jog on
back to sea with all the
other fish cos I don't care.
God, you still haven't
made your mind up?
Jeez. It's just a date, mate.
That's all it is.
You're not meeting the Queen.
'Me and Kayleigh, we're like
Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'
And I'm like the Beast, cos the
Beast has got
massive trust issues
with being fucked over massive
in the past, yeah?
And Slugs is like Gaston
'No, he's worse than Gaston,
'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible
little sidekick
'that follows him
around everywhere.
'Like, what I love about Kayleigh
is the fact
'that she's so sweet
and she's so bubbly.'
Her going on a date with Slugs,
I don't mind. Like, most blokes
would go absolutely mad, and,
like, fly off the
handle about it.
'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,
'because at the end of the day
I know she's only doing it'
cos she's so kind that she
doesn't want to
hurt his feelings.
Is that what you're getting?
I didn't say anything.
'What do you look for
in a boyfriend?
'Like, clean'
Got their own car.
Cos I had a boyfriend once,
but
..like, by the end, I was just
giving him lifts everywhere.
I mean, I love
the way she looks,
but I actually love
her personality
just as much because
she'll light up a room.
'If there was a
group of people, you
would just see
her from a mile off
'because she just stands out
because she's got so much energy'
and, yeah, that's why I love her,
I think.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Flight 730
departing Los
Angeles International.
This is your captain
Martin Mucklowe speaking.
Our flight time today will be 12
hours and we should be arriving
at Frankfurt at approximately
1600 hours local time.
I shall now pass you over
to my co-pilot Kerry,
who has some information
on the weather.
Hello, this is Kerry,
your co-pilot, speaking.
The weather on our route is good
and the forecast is it'll be
sunny in Frankfurt
when we arrive.
'Well, I think that
Kerry would like
a closer relationship
with her dad, '
but, to be fair to Martin
..he tries.
I don't need to work, Ker.
My bank is the fruity
at the Keeper's.
Right. When you get two nudges
on the cherries, hit the cancel,
take the Mega Trail.
Won't pay out jackpot
but it'll give you a tenner.
Put the tenner back in, and on
the next hold, hold them all.
Jackpot.
I cost the landlord
50 grand a year.
And there's nothing
he can do about it.
'My dad's a legend
in this village.'
Once I was walking up
Purley Crescent
and these like smackheads
from Swindon
were about to start on me,
to mug me.
And I go, "Hang on a sec,
do you know who my dad is?"
And they go, "It's not
Martin Mucklowe, is it?"
And I go, "Yeah, it is."
And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
And they go, "Oh, your dad's
a legend, by the way."
And I go, "Yeah, I know."
PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
What do you think of that?
Use the diaphragm.
I mean, my lungs are so strong I
could blow up a hot water bottle.
Cor!
And watch again.
PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
Something you won't know, Ker, is
the last Thursday of every month
I used to play pool
with Fred West.
What? I know he's done
some iffy things,
but as a builder
he was top-notch,
best in the West Country.
Really? We'd say,
"West, best in the West."
And he'd laugh,
he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"
He could hold four bits of
four-by-four, one-handed.
And there's only one other bloke
that can do that
and that's my old man.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen,
we've started our descent
into Frankfurt Airport
and we should be arriving
15 minutes ahead of schedule.
Now I'd like to pass you over
to my co-pilot Kerry
for an update on the weather.
Hello, this is Kerry speaking.
The weather in Frankfurt
is 21 degrees Celsius.
We wish you a pleasant stay
in Frankfurt
and we hope to see you all again
soon
and on behalf of all of our crew,
thank you for choosing
Martin Mucklowe Airlines
as your airline today.
Right, off to bed, you.
We've got a return flight
from Frankfurt to Los Angeles
in approximately
five hours and 42 minutes.
Roger that. I love you, Dad.
Yeah.
'The key to dating, yeah,
is the two Rs and the three Ts.
'Respect, rapport,
and talking, talking, talking.'
Don't ever let that ball
hit the ground.
'Good relationships are built on
great conversation.'
Plastering
Right, time's up, fuck off.
On a date, you've
got to tell them
all the interesting
stuff about you,
because that's what
they'll be interested in.
BIRDSONG
KAYLEIGH SNIFFS
I don't smoke, I vape.
I said, I don't smoke, I vape.
I went to this vaping exhibition,
with my cousin, Kerry.
At the NEC and there was about
10,000 of us just vaping.
Yeah, I was on the bus
the other day, yeah, and
..I was sitting at the back
of the bus
and the bus driver suddenly
stopped the bus,
yeah, and goes
and he walked all
the way down, and goes to me,
"You can't smoke on here."
Guess what I was doing.
Vaping. Vaping, yeah.
Yeah, that's him.
ENGINE STARTS.
That's good, good girl,
yeah, that's him.
All right, then.
That's it, back her up,
back her up, easy with her.
That's it, she's biting.
She's biting, go on.
That's it, she's biting.
Keep going, easy on the clutch,
though.
Easy on the clutch. Get that
right, yeah, the timing, Ker.
What sort of dog do you reckon
that is?
He said to me, he goes,
"You can't smoke on here."
I said,
"I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."
The look on his face
when I said that.
I don't think he knew what
vaping what a vape is.
I think it's a Labrador.
That's better.
That's it, that's good.
Go on, my son,
yeah, that's better.
Yeah, well done.
Well done, my son.
Oh
..that's for you as well.
Look how cute that is.
Yeah, open it up.
Read that.
"You would make me
the happiest mouse"
"if you say yes
and become my spouse."
'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh
for one day, '
but things move
fast in the village.
If you don't snap
up your girl fast,
some other fella might come
sniffing round it.
If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.
Not in a harsh way,
but just to mark my territory
and warn off other fellas.
Right, let me show you
how to blind someone in a fight.
Ker! Oi, I told you I don't want
to see you,
I'm spending time with my dad.
Kayleigh, this is
my cousin Kerry.
And this is my uncle Martin.
Much obliged.
Is it all right if Kayleigh
has a piss in your caravan?
Yeah, but use the toilet, though.
Go on, then.
Oi, how's it going?
I think I bloody love her, Ker.
Really? She's so bubbly.
Got her eating out of the palm
of my hand as well.
She loves the fact I vape.
But you don't vape.
I know, but she don't know that.
That's it. Where's she off?
Kayleigh?
Kayleigh!
What the fuck?
Well, I didn't do nothing.
Oh, my God.
You peeped on her, didn't you?
No, I never.
Kurts You're a dirty peeper.
Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.
Don't say stuff like that.
He's a dirty peeping bastard.
Shut your mouth. That's what you
are. Everyone
knows it, even Alan.
I was doing so well, Ker. Leave
it, all right?
Bye-bye, little boy.
Now he's pissed on it,
you peeper. Oh, please, Kurt.
Wait till Alan finds
out about this.
Kayleigh! Kayleigh!
You dirty peeping bastard!
Kayleigh!
So what did happen, then?
I was over where you are
making a squash.
And before I know it she bolts
out the door like a feral pig.
So you did nothing at all, Dad?
Nothing, Ker.
You do believe me, don't you?
Look, I wasn't going
to tell you this
but I'll bloody well have to now.
I'm flying to Australia
this weekend
and I want you to come with me.
What, as co-pilot?
No, as captain, dipstick.
You're joking!
Right, let's get the map out
and plan the route.
Start here. Heathrow?
Yeah, that's right.
And then we'll stop over
at Singapore.
Right. Stretch our legs.
And then we'll carry on to
Brisbane if the weather holds.
How does that sound?
It sounds like the best day
of my life, to be honest, Dad.
PHONE RINGS
Yep.
Speaking.
Right.
OK. Yeah.
Right, OK. Thanks very much.
Bye now.
They've only gone and bloody
dropped the charges, Ker.
You're joking me!
Bloody Sandra'll be sorry
for kicking me out.
Turning her back on me.
Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.
I never turn my back on you, do
I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad?
Hey, are you going to get
the beers in, then, or what?
Yeah, I was just saying, though,
just us two now, yeah, Dad?
Shop'll be shut in half hour.
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
Yeah.
Right, see you in a minute, then.
'I am raging now.
'I'm proper raging, mate.'
Kayleigh!
I've been looking everywhere
for you.
You all right? Yeah.
Did he touch you? Who?
Kerry's dad. No.
He peeped on you, didn't he?
No. If he exposed himself to you,
yeah,
I promise you I'll kill him
with my own hands, yeah.
He didn't. Well,
he must have done
something for you to run away,
because that just doesn't happen.
All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,
next time you take a chick out on
a date, don't bore her to tears.
As if.
Kayleigh, did I bore you
to tears?
Oh, my God.
You ran away
cos I was boring you?
Is this a joke?
Look, let me take
you out tomorrow,
yeah, and we can just like
I can't. Why?
I got a boyfriend.
Who?
Slugs?
Seriously?
Oh, my God.
I told my nan about you
and everything.
She was so excited
about meeting you.
Fuck
Roses are red.
Violets are blue
I've got five fingers.
The third one's for you.
And you.
Fucking hell.
Did you see that there?
I am glad I'm out of that now.
Utter poison, the pair of them.
Fucking hell.
Dodged a bullet there, I think.
Thing is now, though, I feel bad
for calling Martin
a dirty peeper.
Do you know what? He might not
even be a peeper after all.
But if he is, he's probably
just a part-time peeper.
I just don't know
why you'd say it.
I know, I said I'm sorry, though,
Ker.
Yeah, but it's not me you need
to apologise to, it's my dad.
Yeah, I will. So why did
she run away, anyway?
Well I didn't
want to say, but
apparently you
gave her the creeps.
What? Why?
Your face creeped her out.
So as much as I've got to
apologise to you and your dad,
you've actually got to apologise
to me.
All right, well, sorry, Kurts.
Forgiven. Dad, Kurtan's got
something to say to you.
What are you doing?
Just packing. What,
for our flight to Australia?
Yeah. It's a simulator, Dad,
you don't need to pack a bag.
Hang on. What's this?
"Gone back to Sandra,
cheers, all the best."
You're going back Sandra's? Yeah.
But aren't we going to do
our flight to Australia?
No. But I thought it was just
me and you now, Dad.
Ah, I got to go.
You ain't going anywhere, mate.
Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.
You can't do this to Ker.
You'd be letting her down again.
Again. I don't need this.
Fuck off. Don't fight.
Don't touch me, mate.
I'm going to lay you out. Come
on, then! Come on. No, stop it.
Right. I'll knock you out.
Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on,
then, Charlie large potatoes.
I don't land the first punch,
I play Gypsy rules.
Yeah, well, so do I.
You're going to fight, are you?
Still kick you, though. Pathetic.
Cock.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Flight 730
departing London Heathrow.
This is your captain
Kerry Mucklowe speaking.
Our flight time is 24 hours
and should arrive in Brisbane
at approximately 1100 hours
local time.
This is a solo flight.
Don't let Sandra know,
but on the last
Thursday of every
month I shag Alan's
wife senseless.
He says, "Martin, I
can't get it up no more",
"you're hung like an oxen"
Yeah. "..so give her a good
stuffing to stop her nagging."
And that's exactly what I does.
I gives her the full works.
Alan occasionally
comes in to get a
pair of socks but
personally I think
he just comes in
to see how I does it.
And afterwards we all go down the
Keeper's and he buys me a pint.
Got that from Bitza.
Shut up, please!
Can you just stop stressing out?
You've been stressed all morning.
He's getting so stressed out
cos this family's moved in
across the way and he's just
perving at the
daughter all morning.
I'm not perving! I'm not perving!
You are. He is.
I'm evaluating
the situation, yeah,
before I make my move,
so shut up.
There she is now.
Oh, wow.
Wowee, she's stunning, in't she?
And it's fate her moving across
the street.
Oh, look, that's Slugs, look.
God, he scrubs up well, don't he?
What's he doing?
Oh, he's snaking me,
he's getting there before I am!
Look, he's got his wallet
on his chain out,
and that's your thing as well.
That's my That's what I do,
innit?
He's pulling my pants down
right now.
I got to get down there. Right.
Ker, got any Lynx?
Yeah, in the bathroom.
Bathroom.
Two quid, that was.
And she threw in that as well.
Love that.
'The problem with finding a
girlfriend in the village is that
'most of the girls you meet round
here are old-age pensioners.'
Hey.
Hey. Kurtan.
Kayleigh.
So do you have a boyfriend?
Bloody hell, Slugs,
slow down, mate.
Let the girl move in first.
Do you want to go out on a date?
Again, Slugs, she
doesn't want to
go on a date cos
she's just moved in
and especially not with you.
She might. Would you
like to go out on a date?
Yeah.
What about me? Do you want to go
on a date with me?
Yeah? OK.
OK? Great.
Where would you like this? It's
all right, I'll
take it in for you.
I picked it up first,
so I'll take it in.
All right, well, we'll just
take it in together, then.
'Yeah, I am looking for
a relationship, but thing is'
I've just got so many
trust issues, yeah,
with being fucked over massive
in the past,
so no matter how much I get close
to someone now
I'm thinking
in the back of my head,
"Shit, am I going
to get fucked over?"
Because I've been fucked over
in the past massively.
My last relationship
proper fucked me up.
I asked out Kirsty
Taylor, right,
on the way down
the Hampton Court,
only for my best mate
Jack Russell to snake me.
I thought I was your best mate?
No, my best mate
in woodwork class.
So, I got car sick
on the way back
Yeah, I was in your
woodwork class.
Yeah. Yeah.
I got car sick on the way back so
I had to sit at the front with.
Mr Perkins while
Kirsty Taylor got
with Jack Russell
on the back seat.
Yeah, even though he bought her
a magnet from the gift shop.
No, it wasn't a magnet. It was a
magnet. No, it wasn't a magnet.
It was. It wasn't a magnet.
It was a bookmark with
all the queens on it.
Thing is, that should be annoying
me right now, but
look how much pleasure
she's getting from that.
I went through a really
dark phase, didn't I, Ker?
Listening to Papa Roach and just
blowing everything up
with them little French bangers.
He did, yeah.
What?
What?
Who?
The vicar?
The vicar?
Kerry's dad?
Shut up, you don't know
what you're talking about!
Do you know what?
This is utter slander.
Stop saying that about my dad!
The shit has hit the fan.
He is a peeper,
though, to be fair.
Kurtan, I heard that!
'I don't like the
man. I know he's
my uncle, but I don't like him.'
And I don't like
what he does to Ker.
Like, he don't give a rat's arse
about her because she's a girl.
And all he's ever wanted
is to bore a son
so he can teach
him how to concrete.
And Kerry's like a dog.
No matter how hard
you kick her, yeah,
she will still come back wagging.
Harsh.
Just saying.
You're all right,
though, ain't you?
Yeah.
So I've just been to my dad's,
but he wasn't there
because his girlfriend, Sandra,
kicked him out.
And he's living in a caravan
at the moment.
I'm just going to be there
for him, no matter what.
Just like he's been there for me.
Even though that
has been hard for
him to be there
for me, to be fair,
because he has
darts on a Wednesday
and skittles on a Thursday.
And the weekends are a write-off
because he likes his me-time.
I needed the toilet, right.
I was desperate cos I'd had four
points down the Keeper's. Yeah.
So I went in the bushes
by the ladies tennis club
and some meddling old tart
only goes and calls the police,
and said I'm peeping on her.
And I was aroused.
I weren't aroused,
just well-endowed.
Yeah. You can't shoot a man
for being well-endowed, Ker.
No. Now they're pressing charges.
Sandra's kicked me out.
The darts team
don't want to know.
I went in the pub yesterday, all
turned their back
on me, even Alan.
Even Alan? My life's
in bloody tatters, Ker.
Absolute tatters.
I'm in this bloody caravan
without a pot to piss in.
It's just malicious lies,
that's all it is.
They're jealous of what
God give me downstairs.
Yeah. And now
I've got nothing left.
You've got me, Dad. Nothing left.
I peeped once, in '78,
and I didn't like it.
I didn't like it one slice.
No. And I vowed to myself
to never peep again.
Yeah.
Tell a lie, I peeped
just once more.
Just to make
sure I didn't like it.
That was in '89. And I didn't
like it that time, neither.
No. I mean, I'm a milkman
by trade, Ker.
Don't you think I've got
better things to do?
It's all right, Dad,
the truth has to out.
No, it don't, Ker.
The next thing you know
you get a call from the police
who say
they've got CCTV footage
that absolutely nails you
and your DNA all over
a tennis racket cover.
I'm sorry, Ker,
but it's an absolute stitch-up.
It's all right,
I'll look after you, Dad.
THUD!
Oi!
Ah, leave it, Ker.
Leave it.
It's only Alan.
Bloody Alan.
Fucking little snake.
So, basically, Slugs is going to
have his date with Kayleigh
just before my date with her,
which actually
works in my favour,
because he'll be setting the bar
very, very low.
And by the time I get there I'll
be like a knight
in shining armour
and she'll be like
the damsel in distress
and she'll just come running
into my arms.
And if I have to,
I will punch him,
just to make sure Kayleigh knows
she's safe
..but that will be easy cos
it'll be like punching a turkey
or any other flightless bird.
That's sweet, innit?
That reminds me of Kayleigh
cos it looks so cute.
Oh, here he comes, slithering in,
snake in the grass.
'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,
'is that she's got to accept
I'm damaged goods
'and we will have
to take it slow,
'but time does heal even
the most cruellest of hearts.'
I'm not saying I've got
a cruel heart,
but if she ain't willing
to take me as I am
rather than the
monster I've become,
then she can
literally just jog on
back to sea with all the
other fish cos I don't care.
God, you still haven't
made your mind up?
Jeez. It's just a date, mate.
That's all it is.
You're not meeting the Queen.
'Me and Kayleigh, we're like
Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'
And I'm like the Beast, cos the
Beast has got
massive trust issues
with being fucked over massive
in the past, yeah?
And Slugs is like Gaston
'No, he's worse than Gaston,
'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible
little sidekick
'that follows him
around everywhere.
'Like, what I love about Kayleigh
is the fact
'that she's so sweet
and she's so bubbly.'
Her going on a date with Slugs,
I don't mind. Like, most blokes
would go absolutely mad, and,
like, fly off the
handle about it.
'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,
'because at the end of the day
I know she's only doing it'
cos she's so kind that she
doesn't want to
hurt his feelings.
Is that what you're getting?
I didn't say anything.
'What do you look for
in a boyfriend?
'Like, clean'
Got their own car.
Cos I had a boyfriend once,
but
..like, by the end, I was just
giving him lifts everywhere.
I mean, I love
the way she looks,
but I actually love
her personality
just as much because
she'll light up a room.
'If there was a
group of people, you
would just see
her from a mile off
'because she just stands out
because she's got so much energy'
and, yeah, that's why I love her,
I think.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Flight 730
departing Los
Angeles International.
This is your captain
Martin Mucklowe speaking.
Our flight time today will be 12
hours and we should be arriving
at Frankfurt at approximately
1600 hours local time.
I shall now pass you over
to my co-pilot Kerry,
who has some information
on the weather.
Hello, this is Kerry,
your co-pilot, speaking.
The weather on our route is good
and the forecast is it'll be
sunny in Frankfurt
when we arrive.
'Well, I think that
Kerry would like
a closer relationship
with her dad, '
but, to be fair to Martin
..he tries.
I don't need to work, Ker.
My bank is the fruity
at the Keeper's.
Right. When you get two nudges
on the cherries, hit the cancel,
take the Mega Trail.
Won't pay out jackpot
but it'll give you a tenner.
Put the tenner back in, and on
the next hold, hold them all.
Jackpot.
I cost the landlord
50 grand a year.
And there's nothing
he can do about it.
'My dad's a legend
in this village.'
Once I was walking up
Purley Crescent
and these like smackheads
from Swindon
were about to start on me,
to mug me.
And I go, "Hang on a sec,
do you know who my dad is?"
And they go, "It's not
Martin Mucklowe, is it?"
And I go, "Yeah, it is."
And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
And they go, "Oh, your dad's
a legend, by the way."
And I go, "Yeah, I know."
PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
What do you think of that?
Use the diaphragm.
I mean, my lungs are so strong I
could blow up a hot water bottle.
Cor!
And watch again.
PLAYS LONG, FLAT NOTE
Something you won't know, Ker, is
the last Thursday of every month
I used to play pool
with Fred West.
What? I know he's done
some iffy things,
but as a builder
he was top-notch,
best in the West Country.
Really? We'd say,
"West, best in the West."
And he'd laugh,
he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"
He could hold four bits of
four-by-four, one-handed.
And there's only one other bloke
that can do that
and that's my old man.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen,
we've started our descent
into Frankfurt Airport
and we should be arriving
15 minutes ahead of schedule.
Now I'd like to pass you over
to my co-pilot Kerry
for an update on the weather.
Hello, this is Kerry speaking.
The weather in Frankfurt
is 21 degrees Celsius.
We wish you a pleasant stay
in Frankfurt
and we hope to see you all again
soon
and on behalf of all of our crew,
thank you for choosing
Martin Mucklowe Airlines
as your airline today.
Right, off to bed, you.
We've got a return flight
from Frankfurt to Los Angeles
in approximately
five hours and 42 minutes.
Roger that. I love you, Dad.
Yeah.
'The key to dating, yeah,
is the two Rs and the three Ts.
'Respect, rapport,
and talking, talking, talking.'
Don't ever let that ball
hit the ground.
'Good relationships are built on
great conversation.'
Plastering
Right, time's up, fuck off.
On a date, you've
got to tell them
all the interesting
stuff about you,
because that's what
they'll be interested in.
BIRDSONG
KAYLEIGH SNIFFS
I don't smoke, I vape.
I said, I don't smoke, I vape.
I went to this vaping exhibition,
with my cousin, Kerry.
At the NEC and there was about
10,000 of us just vaping.
Yeah, I was on the bus
the other day, yeah, and
..I was sitting at the back
of the bus
and the bus driver suddenly
stopped the bus,
yeah, and goes
and he walked all
the way down, and goes to me,
"You can't smoke on here."
Guess what I was doing.
Vaping. Vaping, yeah.
Yeah, that's him.
ENGINE STARTS.
That's good, good girl,
yeah, that's him.
All right, then.
That's it, back her up,
back her up, easy with her.
That's it, she's biting.
She's biting, go on.
That's it, she's biting.
Keep going, easy on the clutch,
though.
Easy on the clutch. Get that
right, yeah, the timing, Ker.
What sort of dog do you reckon
that is?
He said to me, he goes,
"You can't smoke on here."
I said,
"I'm not smoking, I'm vaping."
The look on his face
when I said that.
I don't think he knew what
vaping what a vape is.
I think it's a Labrador.
That's better.
That's it, that's good.
Go on, my son,
yeah, that's better.
Yeah, well done.
Well done, my son.
Oh
..that's for you as well.
Look how cute that is.
Yeah, open it up.
Read that.
"You would make me
the happiest mouse"
"if you say yes
and become my spouse."
'Yes, I've only known Kayleigh
for one day, '
but things move
fast in the village.
If you don't snap
up your girl fast,
some other fella might come
sniffing round it.
If I was a dog, I'd piss on her.
Not in a harsh way,
but just to mark my territory
and warn off other fellas.
Right, let me show you
how to blind someone in a fight.
Ker! Oi, I told you I don't want
to see you,
I'm spending time with my dad.
Kayleigh, this is
my cousin Kerry.
And this is my uncle Martin.
Much obliged.
Is it all right if Kayleigh
has a piss in your caravan?
Yeah, but use the toilet, though.
Go on, then.
Oi, how's it going?
I think I bloody love her, Ker.
Really? She's so bubbly.
Got her eating out of the palm
of my hand as well.
She loves the fact I vape.
But you don't vape.
I know, but she don't know that.
That's it. Where's she off?
Kayleigh?
Kayleigh!
What the fuck?
Well, I didn't do nothing.
Oh, my God.
You peeped on her, didn't you?
No, I never.
Kurts You're a dirty peeper.
Oh, Kurts, no, he ain't.
Don't say stuff like that.
He's a dirty peeping bastard.
Shut your mouth. That's what you
are. Everyone
knows it, even Alan.
I was doing so well, Ker. Leave
it, all right?
Bye-bye, little boy.
Now he's pissed on it,
you peeper. Oh, please, Kurt.
Wait till Alan finds
out about this.
Kayleigh! Kayleigh!
You dirty peeping bastard!
Kayleigh!
So what did happen, then?
I was over where you are
making a squash.
And before I know it she bolts
out the door like a feral pig.
So you did nothing at all, Dad?
Nothing, Ker.
You do believe me, don't you?
Look, I wasn't going
to tell you this
but I'll bloody well have to now.
I'm flying to Australia
this weekend
and I want you to come with me.
What, as co-pilot?
No, as captain, dipstick.
You're joking!
Right, let's get the map out
and plan the route.
Start here. Heathrow?
Yeah, that's right.
And then we'll stop over
at Singapore.
Right. Stretch our legs.
And then we'll carry on to
Brisbane if the weather holds.
How does that sound?
It sounds like the best day
of my life, to be honest, Dad.
PHONE RINGS
Yep.
Speaking.
Right.
OK. Yeah.
Right, OK. Thanks very much.
Bye now.
They've only gone and bloody
dropped the charges, Ker.
You're joking me!
Bloody Sandra'll be sorry
for kicking me out.
Turning her back on me.
Oh, Sandra's an idiot, Dad.
I never turn my back on you, do
I? Just us two now, yeah, Dad?
Hey, are you going to get
the beers in, then, or what?
Yeah, I was just saying, though,
just us two now, yeah, Dad?
Shop'll be shut in half hour.
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
Yeah.
Right, see you in a minute, then.
'I am raging now.
'I'm proper raging, mate.'
Kayleigh!
I've been looking everywhere
for you.
You all right? Yeah.
Did he touch you? Who?
Kerry's dad. No.
He peeped on you, didn't he?
No. If he exposed himself to you,
yeah,
I promise you I'll kill him
with my own hands, yeah.
He didn't. Well,
he must have done
something for you to run away,
because that just doesn't happen.
All right? Here's a tip, Kurtan,
next time you take a chick out on
a date, don't bore her to tears.
As if.
Kayleigh, did I bore you
to tears?
Oh, my God.
You ran away
cos I was boring you?
Is this a joke?
Look, let me take
you out tomorrow,
yeah, and we can just like
I can't. Why?
I got a boyfriend.
Who?
Slugs?
Seriously?
Oh, my God.
I told my nan about you
and everything.
She was so excited
about meeting you.
Fuck
Roses are red.
Violets are blue
I've got five fingers.
The third one's for you.
And you.
Fucking hell.
Did you see that there?
I am glad I'm out of that now.
Utter poison, the pair of them.
Fucking hell.
Dodged a bullet there, I think.
Thing is now, though, I feel bad
for calling Martin
a dirty peeper.
Do you know what? He might not
even be a peeper after all.
But if he is, he's probably
just a part-time peeper.
I just don't know
why you'd say it.
I know, I said I'm sorry, though,
Ker.
Yeah, but it's not me you need
to apologise to, it's my dad.
Yeah, I will. So why did
she run away, anyway?
Well I didn't
want to say, but
apparently you
gave her the creeps.
What? Why?
Your face creeped her out.
So as much as I've got to
apologise to you and your dad,
you've actually got to apologise
to me.
All right, well, sorry, Kurts.
Forgiven. Dad, Kurtan's got
something to say to you.
What are you doing?
Just packing. What,
for our flight to Australia?
Yeah. It's a simulator, Dad,
you don't need to pack a bag.
Hang on. What's this?
"Gone back to Sandra,
cheers, all the best."
You're going back Sandra's? Yeah.
But aren't we going to do
our flight to Australia?
No. But I thought it was just
me and you now, Dad.
Ah, I got to go.
You ain't going anywhere, mate.
Get out of my way, pipe cleaner.
You can't do this to Ker.
You'd be letting her down again.
Again. I don't need this.
Fuck off. Don't fight.
Don't touch me, mate.
I'm going to lay you out. Come
on, then! Come on. No, stop it.
Right. I'll knock you out.
Yeah, just try it, mate. Come on,
then, Charlie large potatoes.
I don't land the first punch,
I play Gypsy rules.
Yeah, well, so do I.
You're going to fight, are you?
Still kick you, though. Pathetic.
Cock.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Flight 730
departing London Heathrow.
This is your captain
Kerry Mucklowe speaking.
Our flight time is 24 hours
and should arrive in Brisbane
at approximately 1100 hours
local time.
This is a solo flight.
Don't let Sandra know,
but on the last
Thursday of every
month I shag Alan's
wife senseless.
He says, "Martin, I
can't get it up no more",
"you're hung like an oxen"
Yeah. "..so give her a good
stuffing to stop her nagging."
And that's exactly what I does.
I gives her the full works.
Alan occasionally
comes in to get a
pair of socks but
personally I think
he just comes in
to see how I does it.
And afterwards we all go down the
Keeper's and he buys me a pint.