This Fool (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

Clyde & Clyde, Pt. 2

It's Ruby! She's the one texting us!
Everyone on the fucking ground!
I can be your hero, baby.
Ask for a plane.
- I'm not that little, homey!
- Shut up, bitch.
New York City, the Big Apple!
Sonny, behind you. The gun.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Playing with our emotions like that.
You know what? When the pizza comes,
me and Sonny are gonna eat it all.
No pizza for you.
You're never going
to get a pizza or plane.
You're going to die on an empty stomach.
Shut the fuck up.
And you.
How the fuck did you do
that shit with our phones?
I saw you fuckin' idiots
whining about your exes,
so I went into your contacts
and changed their numbers to my number,
and texted you a bunch
of fake-ass bullshit.
How'd you know our passwords?
Every dude's password is the same.
Zero, zero, zero, zero.
Well, for the record,
I do have a big-ass dick.
Yeah, me, too. That's why I fell for it.
If you guys really had big dicks,
your women wouldn't have
left you for better men.
So you wanna see it, huh?
Is that what it's gonna take
to prove it to you? Alright.
Dawg, don't take your dick out.
You don't need his approval.
We know what we got.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, let's block the fuckin' doors
so these assholes don't try to escape.
Oh, my God. Men who think they have
big dicks are ruining the world.
Wait, so,
you think I'm ruining the world?
Oh, so now I have a small dick?
Luis, goddamn.
As the chase continues into the night,
the authorities have
been able to identify
the alleged bank robbers as
Erika Sanchez and Ernie Alvarez.
But who
gives a hoot about their real names?
We're calling this couple
Bonnie and Clyde.
Move over, Romeo and Juliet.
There's new star-crossed
lovers in town.
People are on the side
of the highway with signs
- Hello?
- Julio.
Hey, how do you guys
say "hostage" in Spanish?
I don't fuckin' know.
I don't know.
Ouch, hey. Get the fuck off me.
Fuck, I can't, dawg.
Just give me a second, alright?
I need to talk to her.
I was just thinking how, like,
this whole situation is
pretty traumatic, huh?
So, you know they say that
traumatic situations like this,
they bring people
closer together and shit.
So, this whole thing's kinda
taking our relationship
to the next level,
whether either of us like it or not.
But for the record,
- I kinda like it.
- Can you just please fuckin' drop it?
I'm not in the mood to talk about
this shit with you right now.
Well, I am in the mood to
talk about it right now.
Why don't you wanna be my lady?
Alright, you wanna talk about it?
Let's talk about it.
One, you ain't got a job.
That's a problem for me.
My ex-husband didn't
work, and it fucked us up.
And two, and I know
this sounds messed up,
but when you weren't
able to take Sonny down,
it was kind of a turnoff for me.
Are you fuckin' serious?
You're coming at me like that right now?
Well, fuck you then.
Get off of me.
That's it.
I can't hold it anymore, dawg.
I gotta take a fuckin' piss.
Oh, it's cool.
I'll look after the hostages
while you take a leak.
Uh, just give me one of the guns.
Yeah, I mean, I trust you,
but not that much.
Oh, come on, big dawg.
We're here already, at the toilet.
Let's do some work.
Do your thing, come on.
Look, hey, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that shit earlier.
Well, you know what? Just to clarify,
he didn't beat my ass, alright?
Doesn't even matter anyway
'cause we're broken up now.
Now you're just some random hyna
I'm in a hostage situation with.
Oh, yeah, well, we can't break up
if we were never together, stupid ass.
Goddammit, both of you shut the fuck up.
Can't even fuckin' concentrate.
Fuck, now it's too quiet.
It's like everybody's sitting around
waiting for me to go or something.
It's making me nervous.
Like, hum a song or some shit.
- What song?
- I don't give fuck, anything.
Start singing!
Or I'm gonna fuckin' shoot somebody.
Oh, say can you see ♪
Everybody, everybody. Everybody sing.
By the dawn's early light ♪
Oh, here we go.
What so proudly ♪
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
- Oh, gah, thank God.
- And we're inside the bathroom ♪
An American ♪
Come and rescue us, please ♪
To celebrate, we sing ♪
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thirty minutes on the dot.
Look at you guys.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Hey, Rookie.
Tip the nice delivery person.
And don't be cheap.
Here you go, um
Just take it all. Thank you.
Dig in, everybody.
Hey, hey, hey, what the hell?
Those are for the hostages.
Let us worry about the pizza, Rook.
What if it was your son
or daughter in there?
Would you still be stuffing
your faces with pizza?
It's our job to serve and protect
the people of this city.
You know, sometimes it's
the young guys on the force
who remind us old farts what
we're doing all this for.
You're absolutely right.
They wanted pizza.
So we're gonna give 'em pizza.
And I know the perfect
guy to deliver it.
It's you.
Come on, don't be afraid.
If you don't get shot,
maybe he'll tip you.
He's got a lot of money. Robbed a bank.
Oh, fuck, yeah!
- Pizza's here, dawg.
- Oh, fuck, yeah.
See, I told you, fuckin' haters.
The plan's working.
We're getting that plane.
And then we're getting
our asses to Costa Rica.
- Hey, help me with this shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, we got your pizza out here.
Approved by a real-life New Yorker,
so you know it's good.
Come on out and get it.
Hey, you jokers want your pizza or not?
Julio, check the box.
Make sure they're not trying anything.
It's real pizza.
Alright, now where's my plane?
What plane?
The fuck do you mean, "What plane?"
I said I wanted a plane and a pizza.
A plane and a pizza.
Stugotz, I thought you meant
you wanted a "plain pizza."
You know, like with no toppings.
So that's all I got you.
Plain pizza.
Are you fucking with me right now?
No, no, no, honest mistake.
Maybe it's the, uh, jet-lag
from when I took the red-eye here
from the greatest city in the world,
the Big Apple.
Hey, I want my fucking plane.
Well, that's gonna take
a minute over here, right?
I mean, what kinda plane do you want?
You want like a big plane, small plane?
A fighter jet, like in Top Gun?
Stop fucking with me!
You either give me what I want,
or I'll fucking kill everybody in here!
Stop testing me!
I have nothing left to live for!
Get the fuck inside, Julio.
Well well, do you
still want the pizza?
Dump it on that fuckin' cop's head.
Hey, just go ahead and do it.
Good job, Rook.
You know, you really made the
best out of a greasy situation.
You're gonna get those people killed.
You motherfucker.
You are outta here!
You don't deserve OT.
You're off the clock.
Now go home.
They're fuckin' with us, dawg.
I'm afraid we're not
gonna get that plane, man.
I mean, fuck, how could they
even get a plane down here anyway?
Dawg, remember a few years back
when they took the space
shuttle through the hood?
Oh, yeah, huh?
Fuck, we shoulda asked for one of those.
A space shuttle?
Nah, dawg.
We're going to Costa Rica, not Mars.
You know, my whole life
people have underestimated me
'cause I'm short.
Even when I joined
my old hood, you know,
I wanted them to call me "Villain."
But they all just called me "Shorty."
But for real though,
all this adversity
just made me stronger.
That's why I know how to
fight and fuck so good.
But never at the same time.
Trust me, we played it just right.
Just stick to the plan.
We're gonna get that plane.
You think they're going
to bring an airplane
to a bum in a liquor store?
You are fucked, my friend.
Your life is over.
And you have only yourself and
that dumb shit Julio to blame.
And you two.
I've had to listen
to you bicker all day.
I am tired of this fucking city.
Every day, people come into
my store disrespecting me
by calling me "Muhammad."
My name is Farhad.
But I promise you all this,
if I don't die today,
I'm going to abandon this fucking store
and move back to Iran.
Muhammad's right. I'm fucked.
Why'd I ever listen to you?
Don't fuckin' listen to him.
He's trying to pit
us against each other.
Dawg, we're Clyde and Clyde.
Our ladies betrayed us, but we're
gonna get out of here together.
Man, shut up.
You broke up with Maggie six months ago.
Wait, what?
- Hold on, you broke up with her?
- Yeah.
And believe me, it was for the best.
- Shut up, Luis.
- Hold up, hold up.
This whole fucking time, I thought
that we were in the same boat.
That both of our ladies left us.
But your Bonnie isn't
even a fuckin' Bonnie.
Don't fuckin' listen to him.
You and me, we're in
the exact same situation.
Don't you fucking ever
compare your life to mine.
My ass is going back to prison.
You still got shit to fuckin' live for.
If you say so.
Oh, oh, you ain't got
nothing to live for anymore?
- Cool, I'll just fuckin' end your shit now.
- No, no, no, no!
- Oh, ohh.
- No, no, please.
Now you got something to live for, huh?
Alright, what is it?
- I don't know.
- Wrong answer, motherfucker.
- You got fuckin' five seconds.
- No.
Gun to your head, playboy.
What do you want to do with your life?
What about coffee?
- Uh, I love it.
- What do you love about it?
It tastes good. It-it's a
great way to start your morning.
Okay. Ever think about
opening up your own café?
Uh, yeah, I talked
about it at, at once.
- Then why didn't you do it?
- Dawg, I'm fuckin' broke.
Guess what, motherfucker?
I got a whole bag of money right there.
Convince me to invest in your café.
Alright. Um, the coffee's gonna
be like, it's gonna be really good.
There are a million
fucking good cups of coffee
in this city, vato.
A million!
You need a fuckin' hook.
- Two seconds.
- Oh. Oh, shit, you know what?
I used to work with ex-felons.
I-I can hire them.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Noble route.
- Mm-hmm.
You could market yourself as like
doing some shit for the community.
- Yup.
- Hey. I'm an ex-felon, and I need a jale.
Look at that. You just hired
your first fuckin' employee.
- Great, he's hired. He's hired.
- Hey, hey.
But he can't be my boss and
shit. We need to be like partners.
Make him agree to that shit right now.
You cool with that?
Fuck, yeah.
Hey. Guess who's not unemployed anymore?
That's a start.
Wow, look at that.
- All you need now is a location.
- Mm-hm.
This motherfucker says he wants to
give up his shop. Isn't that right?
- Yeah, sure.
- So what do you say?
- You gonna sell Julio your lease?
- Whatever.
Congratu-fuck-alations, Julio. Boom!
You have a reason to live.
You're gonna open up
a fuckin' coffee shop.
Yeah, thank you.
So, this
oughta cover the lease.
And this should get you
started on your café.
Thank you, Sonny.
You better fuckin' write
me while I'm in prison.
Yeah, I'm gonna write you all the time.
That fool told me the same thing.
Never wrote me shit.
Oh, shit. Hey,
it's Erika. Move, move, move.
The car is coming to a halt.
The police are surrounding them.
This adventure could
be coming to an end.
Oh, I'm not ready.
Bonnie and Clyde
have now exited the vehicle.
They're fleeing on foot.
Look at these fools.
But, wait, they've stopped.
- It looks like Clyde is
- Oh.
getting down on one knee and
He's proposing!
Wow. You can
see that diamond from the helicopter.
Please say yes, Bonnie. I need this.
Oh! She said yes.
She said yes!
I think I might cry.
In fact, I am crying.
I haven't been able to
cry since my divorce.
But now the floodgates are open.
Wow, I've never
seen such a passionate kiss.
That's a lot of tongue.
I see it now.
I see how this all ends.
You're not opening that coffee shop.
Just like I'm not going to Costa Rica.
This isn't a Hollywood movie
where everyone's dreams
and ambitions come true.
This is real life.
And you know what?
I've had enough.
We're going back to plan A.
We're gonna go out there
and rush those fuckin' pigs.
Look, dude, there's like
a hundred cops out there!
That's right.
We're gonna get gunned down
and go out in a blaze of glory.
Clyde y Clyde.
Never again will a woman
ever be able to hurt
either one of us.
Come on, don't do it, dawg.
Just turn yourself in,
alright? Prison's dope.
They have all the Harry Potters.
Oh, say can you see ♪
Luis, come here, come here.
By the dawn's early light ♪
You got this.
Let's go.
Come on.
Ooh, almost there.
At the twilight's ♪
Ah, shit.
Whose broad
stripes and bright stars ♪
Oh, shit.
Safety. Yeah.
Bite him!
Get the
Ah, you fuckin' bit me!
Payback, bitch!
Never underestimate short fools.
See, I told you I could take him.
Chill out.
You okay?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I was shot by a cop in America.
I am going to sue you
for millions of dollars.
Today is the best day of my life.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, Julio.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
- Estás bien?
- Estoy bien, estoy bien.
You cost us a lot of overtime today.
Better watch your back, Serpico.
Well, dawg, we fuckin' did it.
Did what?
You almost got us
killed, you fuckin' idiot.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I had that shit under
control the whole time.
No, you fuckin' didn't.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you get us 100K to start a business?
That's what I thought.
Look at all this money.
Oh, what's this?
Ooh, shit.
The fuck?
What the fuck?
Well, looks like
we at least still have 50K.
The wipers are on the outside, stupid.
I know, stupid.
Then why'd you turn them on, stupid?
Instinct, stupid.
We almost fucking died,
and you wanna give me shit
about windshield wipers?
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