This Fool (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

Feel the Payne

Oh, God, this icing is too runny.
It's too runny. It's too
runny, isn't it?
I'm just so stressed, I'm
sweating through my apron.
- God, I'm such a pig.
- Will you please just shut up?
- I can't concentrate.
- I'm sorry.
It's just, I wanna impress him.
Man. Oh, my hands, I'm shaking.
I'm shaking and I feel nauseous.
- Do you feel nauseous?
- Not nauseous.
Lately, my anxiety has morphed
into something different.
Something sexual.
Shut the fuck up.
What do we have here?
Uh, lemon blueberry macaroon
with lavender cream filling, sir.
I have one word for you:
Raspberry cream eclair
infused with rose.
I have two words for you:
Fuck you.
A cupcake, I see.
Somebody must be
feeling themselves today.
Let's see what you got here, Mary.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.
Now that is absolutely perfect.
But does it float?
The cupcakes here must float, Mary.
So why am I looking at this cupcake
chillin' at the bottom of the ocean
- like it's the goddamn Titanic?
- Oh
Get it together,
Mary, or I will cut you loose.
Excuse me, Chef?
Two shady guys are here to see you.
Bring 'em in.
Maybe they're somebody
who can teach y'all
how to make a suitable fuckin' pastry.
What the fuck are you two doing here?
What's up, Chef Percy, how you been?
I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
How are you? What's up?
Julio, man, you look good, man.
- What's up?
- I'm good, I'm good.
Damn, Chef Percy, you're not
gonna ask me how I'm doing?
Listen, man, I ain't got no damn
time for all that damn chit-chat now.
I'm over here making people
great. What the fuck y'all want?
Alright, alright. Here's the thing.
Me and Luis, we're
gonna open up a café.
Yeah, like Starbucks, but better.
And we're not gonna
have no bathroom code.
Actually, uh, maybe we should have one.
Yeah, but we need a badass
culinary artist, like yourself,
- to run the kitchen.
- You're a beast in the kitchen.
We got the perfect location.
It's a spot in the
hood. We're all set up.
Dawg, location is everything.
And it's gonna be like Hugs Not Thugs.
We're gonna hire and train
ex-felons, and check this out,
we're gonna call it Mugs Not Thugs.
Ooh! Damn, that's a clean-ass name, huh?
So what's up? You ready to roll?
Abso-fucking-lutely not.
I got a beautiful thing going on here.
I make six figures a
year, I got healthcare,
the people here fear me
and secretly wanna have sex with me.
Ain't shit in the world you could say
to convince me to give all that up.
Oh. Come on, dawg. Please!
Fuck it, you've convinced me.
The fuck?
This ain't a café, this
is a fuckin' crime scene.
Look, there's blood
right there on the ground.
There's code violations everywhere.
Yeah, I mean, we're
still tryin' to figure out
how to get the repairs
done and everything.
I thought you said you had a plan, man.
Is this place even zoned properly?
Of course, it is.
Or actually I-I don't know.
Hey, hey, but don't worry,
we're gonna handle it right now.
Alright, I brought my
measuring tape and everything.
Man, I left my whole fuckin'
life for this shit, man.
I had a 401k. You finna give me a 401k?
Of course, I am.
What-what's a 401k?
- Oh!
- Hey, shit! Shit!
Chill, chill, homey. Chill, chill.
Hey, homey. Hey.
Come on. Be strong.
Be strong. Stay strong, homey.
Didn't you do business
shit at Hugs Not Thugs?
I mean, not really.
Minister Payne always handled that.
Then fuckin' call that bitch.
We need him.
You don't think I tried?
He fuckin' disappeared.
His phone's dead, his
emails keep bouncing back.
Dawg, I had to learn
what a mailer daemon is.
Well, have you tried Googling him?
Alright, let's see here.
Damn, y'all live in a garage?
This shit is sad.
I got a garage. You know
who live in there? A car.
Not two Mexicans.
Nothing's showing up.
Why won't you type in "Minister
Payne Big Ass Donkey Dick"?
- Dawg, that was a great idea.
- What?
Damn, Minister Payne has an OnlyFans?
Psst. I'm jealous.
He's probably in there boning
hot ladies and shit. Boom.
Nah, looks like he
mostly just jerks off.
Damn, we need an account to log in.
Oh. We can use mine.
Or you could use mine.
I'll just use mine.
How we gonna talk
to this kinky-ass fool?
There's a live chat option.
How much do it cost?
Are you pervs ready
to see a salami so big it's
destroyed lives, including my own?
Well, look no further, and get ready
to feel the Pa-a-ayne!
- Oh.
- No.
Ooh. Whoa, who, whoa, whoa!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Chill, chill, chill.
Payne. It's-it's me, Julio.
What are you doing on my OnlyFans?
Alright, alright, here's the thing.
Me, Luis, and Chef Percy,
we're opening up a café
and it's gonna be just
like Hugs Not Thugs.
But this time, we got money.
Yeah, homey, we got feria.
Did you two rob a fuckin' bank?
Luis and I are gonna run shit,
Chef Percy's gonna be the chef,
but we need you.
You're the one who knows
how to start a business,
do all that zoning shit.
Plus, it just wouldn't feel
right to do this without you.
So what do you say?
You ready to make the
prison industrial complex
suck our dicks again?
Look, guys, I appreciate
you thinking of me,
but I'm done with helping people.
I wish you guys all the best
but, uh, this is not
something I wanna be a part of.
Come on, dawg, please!
Fuck, that's what I
should have said, no.
I got a new life going,
and I'm finally at peace.
So, please, let it be.
And don't come looking for me.
So that's it, huh?
Nah, I know that fool.
He's just playing hard to get.
Okay, but we don't
even know where he is.
Hold up.
Check this out.
What the fuck?
Cum diaper?
Dawg, what the fuck you doing?
Trust me.
Return address, bitch.
That fool's out in the desert.
It's like three hours away.
Ah, shit, that's drivable.
So you down to drive us out there?
Nah, you fuckin' drive.
Come on, dawg, please?
A'ight, fuck it, I'll do it.
Man, my van should be able
to Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Fuck! Why do I keep on
saying yes to everything?
Aw, hell no, man.
This is some Hills Have Eyes shit.
Dawg, what the fuck are you doing?
Ruby's been showing me all
these pics from when she travels.
This ain't Copenhagen,
but I wanna show her
I've seen some shit, too.
Yo, man,
something don't feel
right about this place.
Creepy-ass little tiny home.
Well, I think we found it.
Damn, Payne really doubled down
on the giant dick thing, huh?
How are my little peppers doing today?
You're growing up big
and strong and spicy.
You're daddy's spicy boys,
- and daddy loves you.
- Payne?
I told you not to look for me.
I thought you were playing hard to get.
Alright. Come on in.
- Cashew nuts.
- Sure.
Uh, I only have, uh,
one mug to drink out of.
I'm trying to live more simply.
It's easier that way.
See, out here, you don't
need material possessions
weighing you down.
Damn, Payne.
You eat like a squirrel.
Aha. Well, the squirrels got it right.
You see, the raw cashew is
nature's most perfect food.
All the nutrients your
body needs are right here.
You have fat, you have
fiber, you have protein,
you have iron, you have zinc, magnesium,
manganese, phosphorus,
it's all right here.
- It's alright there, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
Look, I know you said you didn't
wanna help us with the café
but before you make up your
mind, I wanted you to see this.
The Payne I remember was a fighter.
You don't belong out here in the desert,
eating cashews, not doing shit.
Here's your chance to
do great things again.
So what do you say?
I appreciate what you
guys are trying to do
and, uh, yes, there
was a time when, indeed,
I thought my purpose in
life was to help others
fight an unjust system, but I was wrong.
And now I know the only thing
I have to offer this world
is the giant sweet
potato between my knees.
And I'm okay with that.
I've found my place
out here in the desert.
There's a, there's a, uh,
tranquil energy and a frequency
that I've tuned into.
You can, if you listen, you can hear it.
- Holy shit.
- Oh, Lord.
What the fuck?
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
Kirk, stop.
I told you, take down those giant cocks!
I don't like looking at 'em.
That is art!
I'm getting some
bomb-ass photos right now.
The fuck is going on?
What's going on is I'm
about to doo-doo myself
and I didn't bring no extra pants.
Guess I could use one of
these diapers right here.
What size are these?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Truce?
- Truce.
You coming tonight?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
You better bring those peppers.
They'll make you shit blood.
Looking forward to it.
Alright, just back away.
Nice and slow.
See you later.
Sorry, guys.
The fuck?
My neighbor Kirk. Good guy.
Hey, y'all wanna stay for
the hootenanny tonight?
Well, shit, they got a Hooters out here?
Fuck a hootenanny, fuck these cashews,
I'm getting the fuck outta here.
But we just got here.
Look, goddammit, Payne
said no and that's that.
Now if you wanna walk your ass
back to LA, you can do that.
If these psychos don't
kill your ass first.
- Fuck.
- Come on, man, let's go.
Bye, Mr. Minister Payne.
Hey. You didn't tell me you had company.
This is great, you guys
can stay for the hootenanny
and be the guests of honor.
Nah. Sorry, we gotta go.
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
Man. Looks like
someone shot out your tire.
That's too bad.
Well, the good news is you can,
you can now stick around
for the hootenanny.
I got a spare, bitch.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Fuck!
Listen, I'll get you
new tires Monday morning.
But by then, you might not wanna leave.
'Cause the hootenanny
has a way of changing people.
Breathe. Just breathe.
- Deep breaths.
- You alright?
Deep breaths.
Damn, this shit looks good.
Everyone here grows something
to contribute to the flavor.
No one here has much to give,
but what we do have, we
share with each other.
That's what I love about
this place, you see.
Money never changes hands
here because we don't need it.
You sound like a fuckin' burnout.
Yeah, I burned out.
And that's why I'm here.
Man, Ruby would love this exotic shit.
I should have them wrap up some
leftovers to take back to her.
Man, don't eat that shit.
They're tryin' to poison our
asses so they can eat us later.
But if they were gonna eat us,
then why would they poison us?
You know what I mean? 'Cause
then, when they eat us,
they would be poisoning themselves.
Plus, they're already all
eating the stew already,
- so how could they
- Shut up, man.
You know what the
fuck I'm tryin' to say.
They crazy.
There's a dark and a
troubled side of life ♪
There's a bright
and a sunny side, too ♪
- Though we meet ♪
- You know what?
I don't even know why I came out here.
You don't give a shit anymore.
You're acting fuckin' brainwashed,
singing along to a campfire
song with these fuckin' creeps?
What happened to the old Payne?
I've let all that anger
go and I've moved on.
Well, besides, with OnlyFans,
I come, like, 12 times a day,
and it's-it's really hard to feel
rage when you're that tapped out.
Fuck that.
You're just running away from
your problems like a coward.
I understand why you're mad, Julio.
Hugs Not Thugs meant a lot to me, too.
But now it's gone, and I've
grieved for long enough.
I'm not running away, I'm moving on,
and you should try it, too.
It will help us every day ♪
Hey, check it out.
It ain't every day that I
bust out that special jerky,
but you guys are the men of honor.
Oh, hell, yeah. Local cuisine.
Yeah, I'm good, man.
Come on, give it a try.
I-I'm good, man. Thank you.
Uh, just give it a little taste. Go on.
I said no!
Look, man, I don't know what
you hillbillies' exact plan is
but I know one thing, I don't
wanna eat your fuckin' jerky.
I'm tired of saying yes to everything.
- Fuck!
- It's alright, just breathe.
Calm down, you you can talk to me.
I don't wanna fuckin' talk to
you, man. I don't fuckin' know you.
Chef, Chef, it's me, it's Payne.
Trust me.
Everything's gonna be okay.
You can talk to us.
When did you start
saying yes to everything?
Okay, when I was 12
my best friend asked me to
catch licks with him, right?
And I said yes.
And-and then they asked me
if I wanted to join a gang
and then I said yeah to that
even though all I ever wanted to
do was fuckin' go to art school.
And then at the altar when they asked me
if I wanted to take this
woman to be my fuckin' wife,
I said yeah to that.
I barely even fuckin' knew that bitch.
And then I say yes to these fools
and now I'ma sit up here and
die in the fuckin' desert!
Why is it you find yourself
saying yes to everything?
I don't know, man.
Maybe it's 'cause I grew up in the hood
where I didn't have a lot of options,
so I had to say yes to
everything in order to survive.
Man, I done hurt a lot of people
'cause of the shit I say yes to.
Chef Percy, the whole
reason people come out here
is to let go of who they were.
Yeah, like a snake shedding its skin.
You need to find your
shame and then let it out.
Like this.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
This is why I came out here.
But now, it is time to party.
There's some good
vibrations out here, boy.
I'ma miss this place.
Well, you guys are more than welcome to
crash for a few more days if you like.
Nah, we have to go home.
We have work to do.
Chef Percy,
last night when you forgave yourself,
you inspired me to forgive myself, too.
You know, when I first got this car,
I had the choice of
any color I could get
and I picked red.
I should've picked yellow.
That decision haunts me to this day.
And that's why I'd like you to have it.
Kirk, you're giving me a Ferrari?
Oh, thank you, man.
Where'd you get that?
I bought it with money.
What money?
You live in a shack, you
don't even have a front door.
Well, when I'm here.
The rest of the year
I'm in the Cayman Islands
or Martha's Vineyard, Manhattan.
Martha's Vineyard?
You're rich?
Yeah, aren't you?
No, I lost everything.
That's why I'm here.
I'm very poor.
This place is for
people who have nothing.
No, this is a place for rich people.
We're all billionaires,
everyone here's a billionaire.
How the fuck are you a billionaire?
I invented fentanyl.
- Dawg.
- Dawg.
I know. Sorry.
Not sorry.
Listen, Payne, when you have everything,
you vacation by pretending
you have nothing.
That way you appreciate
all the power, money,
yachts, planes, children that you have.
But you're you're really
a real-life poor person?
That's it.
Six months.
Six months I've been in this shit hole.
I gave those bitches my peppers.
Fucking desert!
The fuck do people live out here for?
Walking around every
day with sand up my ass!
There's no fuckin' water out here.
That's why water is
gonna be $100 a bottle.
They pollute the water
then they sell it to you.
Sunny side, my balls.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
Hey, Payne, you're just gonna
leave all your sculptures?
Goddamn, that is good.
I can't believe I was living
off of fuckin' cashews.
You know, I really
lost my mind out there.
I was talking to peppers all day long.
Hey. You're gonna love this
spot we got for the café.
It's close to where Hugs Not Thugs was.
That's great. But, listen, this
time, we're making money, okay?
Because I am sick and tired of
everybody having money except me.
I've got a new philosophy,
"fuck you, pay us."
Cheers to that.
Ey, Payne, so how much money
you making on your OnlyFans?
Oh, oh, quite a bit actually,
but, you know, I have a lot of overhead.
Diapers, underwear, lube,
shipping costs, licensing music.
You know, everybody gets their cut.
I got this one lady, she's always
requesting all these costumes.
I mean, you saw it, I put
on a whole show, you know.
Damn. You a whole-ass enterprise, huh?
Well, you know, they
say love what you do,
you never work a day in your life.
Oh, Payne, hey, we were talking about
whether or not to have
bathroom codes at the café
and we're leaning towards yes.
You gotta have bathroom codes.
Human beings are animals.
Hell, yeah.
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