This Fool (2022) s02e08 Episode Script

The Bigger Man

Here we go.
This is the beginning of something big
and now we prepare ourselves
to take on the challenge.
I want you all to visualize success.
Imagine a river,
flowing with money.
You stand on the bank of
that river holding a net,
fishing out as much money as you can.
You dump the money out of
the net, it is sopping wet.
Now, visualize yourself
taking that money
to the fucking bank.

The teller, he says, "Hey, man,
why is your money kinda wet?"
And you say, "Don't worry about it."
Manager comes over,
takes a look at the money.

"We're gonna let it slide this time."
That's right, fuck head.
You're gonna let it slide this time
'cause it's a lot of fuckin' money!
Now visualize yourself smiling
as you realize you've
attained financial stability
for the first time in your adult life.
- Huh!
- ALL: Huh!
- ALL: Hyah!

- Hyah!

Uh, for the record, I don't think
that this is the best
slogan for this part of LA.
the hell didn't you speak up
when we were dropping four-hundo,
getting these things printed?
I didn't wanna rock the boat.
you're rocking it right now.
You're rocking it and there's
water sloshing over the sides.



Pretty good turnout, huh?
Dawg, are you fuckin' crying?
I mean, yeah.
- Ugh.
- LUIS: Never thought I'd have my own business.
I'm gonna have a legacy.
You know, my kids could work here.
Yeah, but they'd have to be ex-felons.
Yeah, well, you don't
gotta worry about that.

What's up, fool? You ready to
stunt your growth with coffee?
I don't like coffee. It's gross.
Well, leave then. Nobody
wants your ass here anyways.
Shut up.
Can you believe my
stupid-ass cousin is crying?
Corny-ass fool.
What's wrong with you? He's
happy. Aren't you happy?
I'm dead inside. What
do you want from me?
I want you to stop
being a cynical dumbass.
- You gotta appreciate moments like these.
- I'll see what I can do.
Okay. This shit is going
off the fuckin' rails.
We gotta stop with the freebies.
Your abuelita is robbing us blind.
We're hemorrhaging money. We
gotta start pushing the merch hard.
Nobody's bought shit yet
and I'm calling it right now,
those punch cards you talked me into
are gonna come back
and fuck us in the ass.
- Uh, hey, Payne.
This is Teresa, I've
been telling you about.
Oh, yeah, you're the chick with the kid
and you're the kid, huh?
Getting enough water?
So nice to finally meet you.
Julio's told me so much about you.
And congrats on the opening.
- You should both feel proud.
Finally, some good news.
Now I don't have to fuckin' kill myself.
Julio, come with me.
We gotta talk to somebody important.
- There he is!
- I'll be right back.
- Try a muffin.
- Yeah.
Lenny, it's been too long.
MINISTER PAYNE: There he is.
Curtis, I want you to meet Julio Lopez,
the inspiring visionary
behind Mugs Not Thugs.
Trust me, I'm not a visionary.
Just a guy who likes coffee.
Curtis is the voice
of the working class.
You know, he wrote the very
first writeup on Hugs Not Thugs.
He put us on the map.
He's one of the only ethical
journalists left in the game.
And back in the day,
we organized protests,
we helped the school janitors unionize.
Hell, I even took a
rubber bullet for this guy.
And he never fails to bring it up.
So, Julio, you wanna tell me your story?
- Well
- Julio is a first-generation
Mexican American success story.
He used to work with
me at Hugs Not Thugs.
And now you have your own nonprofit.
Actually, uh, Mugs Not Thugs
is a for-profit business.
But, you know, we're
still gonna help people.
Lenny, I thought you
told me on the phone
that this was nonprofit.
Technically for-profit,
but nonprofit values.
Hey, you want a muffin?
Julio, get the man a muffin, please.
You gotta taste the
product before you write
what I hope will be a glowing review.
Even if you do go
through a reform program,
there's still a stigma attached
to ex-felons applying for jobs.
So that's what this place is good for.
Would be nice if they gave
us some health benefits.
Say, what if a nigga gets sick?
Of course, all the employees will
be getting benefits very soon,
but first we are going to
reinvest all the capital
back into the business
so we can franchise.
Pretty ambitious.
open stores in Japan,
reform the Yakuza and shit.
You know, what would
be good for the article
is a group picture, right?
Everybody, uh, grab an apron.
We're gonna do a picture, okay?
Let's gather around right up here.
Line up here. Tall people in the back.
On three, I want everybody to smile.
I wanna see teeth.
Kid, smile like you got a new
lollipop or some shit, please.
Here we go. Ready?
One, two, three.

Joining us now is Mary,
she's devastated that her
15-year-old son, Pedro,
slept with four girls in one day
and claims to be a sex machine
Hey, so,
I was like thinking
about some stuff earlier.
You know, like life and shit.
What, did you say something?
Uh, no. Nah.
Just, you know, life's a trip, huh?
You know, we only got
a short time to live.
Can you stop mumbling?
I'm trying to watch this.
Uh, it
It's just that, you know,
I was thinking, like, I'm
getting pretty old in dog years
- which means like, you know,
it's probably time to maybe, like
- You know?
- Wait, what are you saying?
[SIGHS] Well, basically what
I'm trying to say is, like,
you know are you down to
marrying me and shit?
Are you proposing right now?
Well, I mean, I don't have
a ring or nothing, but
Oh, shit, you know
what? I do got a ring.
But like, full disclosure,
I did give this ring
to my ex-fiance and
the diamond is fake,
but, you know, I'll get
you a real-ass diamond soon.
- Shit. Fuck.
Just give me one second.
Uh, basically, I want us to
be together on our deathbed,
you know, with all our
kids gathered around,
holding hands and shit.
And our grandkids, you know,
they're all crying and shit,
like, "Oh, amá, apa."
And, "Grandma, Grandpa,
don't die, please."
But we're like, "Nah, we're about
to fuckin' die right now for real."
And it'll be, you know, beautiful
'cause we'll be together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is
let me make you a grandma.

Will you two please get
the fuck out of here?
We were waiting for the right
moment, but it never came.
Yeah, sorry about that.
We're gonna get outta here.
I'm sorry. Is there some
kind of problem or something?
RUBY: Luis, what the fuck?
You can't just bring this shit on me,
talking about grandchildren and shit.
I don't even want kids.
Oh, shit.
Have your insides
gone all dead and shit?
I can have kids, dumbass.
I just don't want kids.
Yeah, but, you know, you wanna
have my kids, though, right?
No, I like my life the way it is.
I travel and I don't wanna give that up.
I'm not even sure if I
wanna get married again.
Wait, do you even fuckin' love me?
Or you just been wasting my time?
You know, I'm glad you've
been having "fun" or whatever
but my biological cock is ticking.
You know what?
You're acting real emotional right now
and I'm not about that drama.
So I'ma go.
- I mean, come on, don't
- Don't touch me.
Well, fuck you, then!
I don't wanna marry your ass anyway!
Fuckin' weirdo.
Did she say yes?
There you go, one oatmilk cappuccino.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
You proposed to her in
that gross-ass garage.
What are you, fuckin' stupid?
Hey, I was trying to
be spontaneous, alright?
Keep it exciting.
Nah, fool. You gotta plan that shit out.
Show her you thought about it.
When I proposed to my wife,
I was wearing my best
suit at the restaurant
where we had our first date,
but I spilled pasta on it.
But I had it planned because I
had my second best suit in the car.
Next month, we celebrate
our seven-year anniversary.
LUIS: Alright, but it
shouldn't matter how I ask her
to marry me if she really loves me.
She don't even wanna
have my fuckin' kids.
You can't blame her for that.
What's that supposed to mean?
Having kids? It ain't natural.
You scrubs ever seen
The Miracle of Life?
- Nah.
- Uh-uh.
Shit's fucked up.
Extra, extra. Read all about it.
We got a shitty review.
[MUFFLED] It's a fuckin' hit piece.
- What?
- I said, it's a fuckin' hit piece.
- Come on. It can't be that bad.
JULIO: "The story of Mugs
Not Thugs is easy to root for.
A first-generation
Mexican American native
to South Central brings premium coffee
to the underserved community
in which he was weaned."
Sounds pretty good so far.
MINISTER PAYNE: Keep fuckin' reading.
CURTIS: But wade a little deeper
into its coffee-stained waters
and you'll find the real story of
Mugs Not Thugs is one of unfettered
- Avarice?
- It's avar-ass. It means greed.
You need a fuckin'
thesaurus to read this shit.
"Mugs Not Thugs is actually run
by a wolf in sheep's clothing"?
CURTIS: That huckster's name
is Minister Leonard Payne,
a man once dedicated
to reforming ex-felons,
who now exploits those he used to help.
He says it's just a cynical cash
grab and I'm pulling all the strings.
What the fuck? I thought
this was your guy.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Wait till you hear this.
CURTIS: Payne's lust for
money extends to the Internet,
where he whores himself out on
the digital streets of OnlyFans.
For $69.69 you can take a gander
at his moderately oversized phallus.
Your shit ain't moderately oversized.
It's the fucking size of a baseball bat.
I'll leave you with this.
CURTIS: The coffee and muffins
were actually pretty good
but nothing could wash the acrid taste
of late-stage capitalism
outta my mouth.
Hey, he did say the
coffee's pretty good.
He sold us out for clickbait.
[SIGHS] Don't let this shit get
to you. It's not that big a deal.
This will fuck our business.
If we don't start making more money,
we're gonna have to fire Jorge.
Everybody knows Jorge's deadweight.
We can throw him overboard at any point
and it would change nothing.
But, listen, nobody
reads newspapers anymore.
Just let it go. Be the bigger man.
You're right.
I'll be the bigger man.
I'm gonna put this behind me
and go wipe my ass with this article.
we're about to witness
is the miracle of life.
- ALL: Oh!
- Oh, shit.
See, y'all all did this
shit to your mothers.
That's why all my kids
are C-section babies.
Damn, I gotta call my wife and apologize
for getting her pregnant so much.
Oh, my God.
I gotta go down on that woman more.
- Mother's Day.
Shit, I think I'm gonna
need MLK day off, too.
- Goddamn.
- Now I see why Ruby got all freaked out.
I need to apologize to her.
You know, ask her for a second chance
and do it right this time.
- Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Luis, I can't do this at work.
Hey, I'm not here for drama.
Just some cookies and cream.
So I watched The Miracle
of Life, you know,
to try and see where you're coming from
about not wanting kids and shit.
and I get it now.
When that hyna gave birth,
and I saw that baby busting
through her pussy close-up,
it reminded me of that one
part from Ace Ventura 2,
you know, when that fool Jim is
climbing out of that rhino's ass.
That scene used to make me laugh.
But now I know,
for that rhino,
it wasn't funny at all.
Luis, what the fuck
are you talking about?
I'm saying you were right.
You know, it wasn't
fair of me to expect you
to ruin your downstairs to have my kids.
I gotta earn that shit.
So I was thinking maybe, you know,
you could meet me at
the café Friday night
and we could just talk.
And we don't have to
talk about having kids.
We could talk about whatever.
I like talking to you,
no matter what we're talking about
because I love you,
more than life itself.
But, you know, we don't have
to talk about that either.
I have a shift that night.

But I'll see what I can do.
I'll see you Friday night.
Keep the change, mija.

JULIO: Then I had to talk Payne
out of beating that fool's ass.
that article was pretty harsh
and kind of up its own ass,
but Payne was acting kinda crazy.
JULIO: Yeah, but he
was just stressed out.
I don't know.
I think he needs therapy
or meds or some shit.
He said he was gonna fuckin'
kill himself in front of Aurora.
JULIO: Payne was just joking.
You and me joke about
that shit all the time.
That doesn't mean he's not depressed.
JULIO: Look, you met
him for five minutes.
I've known him for years.
I'm telling you, he's fine.
He's not depressed.
If you say so.
JULIO: I say so. Hey, you know what?
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Payne? You okay?
There's a 70-year-old woman
in Malmö, Sweden, who's very
disappointed in me right now.
I couldn't get it up, Julio.
I think Curtis is right.
I'm just a sellout and a whore.
And I'm not even a good whore.
All I do is disappoint people.
I don't know.
Maybe I need to get on
medication or something.
Like antidepressants?
No. Viagra.
Man. Fuck that fool Curtis.
He's talking about us
like we're the bad guys.
We're not the bad guys.
I mean, look at us. We
live in fucking a garage.
We're the good guys. And you know what?
I bet you he's just jealous
of your big-ass dick.
He probably has a small-ass dick.
I bet he does have a small-ass dick.
That's why he uses
all those big-ass words
to make up for the fact
that he has a small dick.
- You know what? We should confront him.
- MINISTER PAYNE: We should confront him.
I'd like to see him say
that shit to my face.
- Bet he won't.
- He wouldn't.
You're gonna retract
that fuckin' article.
So what if we're for-profit?
We still employ ex-felons
and you try to shit on
us for doing a good thing?
Please, every company these
days has some kind of hack,
do-gooder gimmick that amounts to
nothing more than free publicity,
- corporate tax write-offs, money grab.
- Whatever, man.
You acted like you were on
our side, then you sold us out.
You're no better than Obama.
You're no better than Obama.
You deliberately misled me
so that I'd write a
commercial for your café.
You've abandoned all the
principles that you used to live by.
Oh, shut up.
If you actually knew Payne, you'd
be ashamed of the trash you wrote.
You think I don't know Lenny?
Huh? We go way back.
And let me tell you, he's no saint.
He ever tell you why he
can't go back to New York?
Okay, okay. This is a
waste of time. Let's go, Julio.
CURTIS: Yeah, that's
right. Go home and get busy.
Jerkin' off on your webcam,
pretending you're not contributing
to the downfall of society.
What the fuck is that about?
You're probably just jealous.
If you had a big-ass dick, you'd
be milking it for profit, too.
Oh, yeah?

Let's do it.
Lay it out there.
- How about something like this?
Dear God in heaven.
Why do you think I have
to walk around with a cane?
You think I'm not tempted
to sell out with this thing?
Temptation is a pulsing python
that looms betwixt my thighs
and yet I have the dignity to
keep it in my fucking pants.

- Oh, shit.
Okay, you gotta excuse me.
I've got a lead on a case
where a rookie LAPD cop
was killed by his fellow
officers who were covering up
their overtime abuse.
Cop was just a kid.
And it was cold in there.
The AC was blasting.
- And still
bigger man in every respect.
Hey, uh, what was that
shit about in New York?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm tired, Julio.
I ran a nonprofit. It failed.
I dropped out of society.
That turned out to be a lie.
I start an OnlyFans,
my dick won't stay hard.
I help open a well-intentioned
business, I'm a sellout.

I used to be the guy who would
take a rubber bullet for the cause,
now I'm just another
failure, Gen-X piece of shit.

Curtis is right about me.

I've only got one option left.
Payne? Payne?
CURTIS: What the hell was that, Lenny?
You got a death wish?
Retract your article
or I'll fuckin' sue.
You sick fuck.
You're at fault here.
It's your word against mine.
I got a witness. He saw the whole thing.
Right, Julio?

That's right. You hit him. On purpose.
Attempted murder.
And you showed us your
giant cock without consent.
all that shit you've written
about the cops and judges in this town,
I'm sure they'd love to lock
you up and throw away the key.

You might have the bigger
dick, but I got bigger balls.
I look forward to reading your
retraction in tomorrow's paper.
You really have changed, Lenny.
Fuck you and your Godzilla dick.
And, hey sex work is work, bitch.

Let's do this.

The purpose of a man
is to love a woman ♪
And the purpose of a
woman is to love a man ♪
So come on, baby, let's start today ♪
Come on, baby, let's play ♪
- The game of ♪
- Love ♪
- Love, love ♪
- Love ♪
La, la, la la, la, love ♪
Pretty fuckin' romantic, huh?
JORGE: Looking good. Yes, sir.
You look good, Luis.
Are you ready?
You know it. Got her a new ring.
Pretty sure it's real diamonds, too.
And this time, I'm not gonna
get ahead of things, you know.
Talking about kids and shit.
But I do wanna give a quick shout-out
to our future children and grandchildren
who will be watching this one day.
And if Ruby and I have
already died of, like, old age
or-or maybe even a
plane crash, you know,
'cause we had a sad-ass pilot who
just flew us all to a mountain,
like, "Hey, it's over for everybody."
Uh, just know that your mom/grandma
and myself are together
in heaven, alright?
And even though it's fuckin'
tight up here, uh, we do miss you.
We miss you a lot.
Like very much so.
Uh, and also,
don't let Julio's stupid-ass
grandkids talk down to you, alright?
- JORGE: Somebody's coming.
- Shit. Everybody hide.

- MAN: Hello, hello?
- LUIS: Hey, we're closed. Read the fuckin' sign!
Okay. Here we go.
Tears of a broken heart ♪
Sorry, my bad knee.
This one right here.
Will you marry me?
Tears of a broken man ♪
Will you fuckin' marry me?
I'm gonna be good, I'm gonna be good ♪
But my Ruby's gone ♪
My precious Ruby's gone ♪
- But I ♪
- Alright, homey, that's enough.
JORGE: I don't think she's coming.
Dawg, shut the fuck up.
I can hear you, alright?
And stop recording.

CARMEN: Alright, I hear you. I hear you.
Hey, have you seen Ruby?
I think something happened
to her 'cause I called her
and went to her place,
but I can't find her.
Ruby left this morning on some trip.
Uh, where'd she go?
I don't know. Argentina,
Algeria or some shit.
She thinks she's all fancy
with her fuckin' traveling,
I'm like, "No, you're not."
Right. Well, I knew that.
Uh, you know what?
She actually invited me, but I was like,
"Come on, girl, this
ain't the Travel Channel.
This is real life."
So, uh, you want some ice cream or what?
Uh, yeah, I'll take cookies and cream.
You want fudge on that?

CURTIS: Dear reader, mea culpa.
I was wrong.
I was wrong, I was wrong.
Mugs Not Thugs is a great new café
that's doing good for the world
and the people who work there.
Jorge has no idea how close he
came to getting his dumbass fired.
Jorge lives to fight another day.
- Yeah.
- Guarantee ♪
- To give him everything ♪
- Everything ♪
- He needs ♪
- He needs ♪
- Everything in the lifetime ♪
- Everything ♪
In the lifetime ♪
- Of a man ♪
- Of a man ♪

Now sometimes ♪
It may seem ♪
That he just can't find ♪

Nothing on Earth ♪
That will give him ♪
Peace of mind ♪

But when someone ♪
- Get him down ♪
- In trouble ♪
You gotta always be right there ♪
To bring him around ♪
- Every day ♪
- Every day ♪
Every day in the lifetime of a man ♪

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