This Fool (2022) s02e10 Episode Script

Two F*ckin' Losers

Dawg, Ruby was a 10 out of 100.
- Everybody thought she was ugly.
- The fuck?
You can't be talking
about how Ruby's ugly
when you have the face
of an elephant's foot.
Just because I'm ugly doesn't mean
I don't know what ugly looks like.
I have eyes.
Also, she stunk.
You two are fuckin' losers
and you deserve to be alone.
You still emo about your lady?
Everything reminds me of her, dawg.
Then take a trip, bitch.
You know there's women
all over the world, right?
Maybe I do need to get outta here.
Yeah. Shit, my man
needs some foreign pussy.
Yo, Julio, tell Luis where
he should go on his voyage.
You wanna get your heart broken?
You can do that right here in LA.
Damn, Julio.
Don't nobody wanna hear
about your life sorrows.
Man, y'all some emotional-ass Mexicans.
Luis, spin the globe
and figure out where
you're going on your trip.
Just spin it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's still spinning, look.
- Hell, yeah.
- Ooh, la-la!
I heard them women down
there don't shave nothin'!
If you into that kinda shit.
Well, we're about to find out.
But, damn, I still gotta
get my record expunged.
Hey, check this out.
They got a new coffee
shop in the neighborhood.
They employ ex-felons, too.
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Let me see that.
- Where'd you get this?
- They're on the cars outside.
Damn, what the fuck?
These fools are jacking our style.
We gotta go talk to these motherfuckers.
This shit cannot stand.
Percy, get some muffins.
Fuck, yeah, let's roll.
Hey, y'all go ahead without me.
I got some shit I gotta take care of.
I can watch the place for you,
you know, while you're gone.
Keep dreaming, Jorge.
This place would burn
down if you ran it.
Carlos, you're in charge.
Oh, okay, yeah, no problem.
Yo, we just ran outta creamer
you know where we keep the extra?
Creamers. Creamer goes in coffee,
coffees go in the computers,
computers go to the Internet.
Internet, we need Internet.
No, we need coffee!
No, creamer. I'm not
racist for creamers.
- Creamers!
- Carlos!
So, like, what's the plan here?
Just gonna talk to them.
Okay, we gonna, we gonna talk
to 'em or we gonna talk to 'em?
We're gonna talk to them.
Alright, alright, we gonna talk to 'em.
- It's fuckin' nice in here.
- Motherfuckers.
We need to talk to your manager.
Sure, give me a second
and I'll go get him.
So, what you got here?
- Scones?
- Those are scones, alright.
I make muffins.
Fluffy, puffy muffins.
Not bad for an airy-ass pastry.
- What?
- I moved on to the scone, though.
The fuck?
This shit look like some
old-ass Little Caesar pizza.
Don't you ever
disrespect my beautiful scones.
Let me ask you something
about this scone.
Does it float?
Hell, no, my motherfuckers don't float.
My scones, they sink.
Check this out.
Look at that scone sink.
Mm, like an innocent witch.
I like to give the people
their money's worth.
Muffins ain't shit.
- I'ma
- Welcome, brothers.
I was told you wanted to speak with me.
Yeah, uh, we just wanted to drop by
and welcome you to our neighborhood.
Uh, we're just a few blocks from here
and we happen to run a coffee shop
that employs ex-gang
members and convicts.
What a coinkydink, right?
Well, it's nice to meet you, friends.
But it sounds like you have a
very different business model.
See, we don't employ ex-gangsters.
We employ hardworking people
who were wrongfully convicted
of crimes they did not commit.
Hence the name, Guilt Free Café.
You know, I'm surprised
you never heard of us.
We've actually been in
business for five years
and this is our third shop.
So you're telling me all the
guys working here didn't do shit?
I'm telling you, all the guys
working here didn't do shit.
I just find it interesting
that all these people here
are supposedly innocent
'cause I'd say you're
pretty fuckin' guilty
of encroaching on our turf.
You Burger King'd us and
then you had the nerve
to advertise right
in front of our store.
We found those on every
car in our parking lot.
You know what? I, uh, I
apologize, this was a mistake.
This will never happen again.
Come on, you're full of shit.
You're trying to take
our fucking customers.
- Hey, fuck you, playboy.
- Fuck you, saying "playboy" is my thing.
Okay, calm down, Julian.
Now listen to me.
We have been pushed
around enough in our lives.
You don't wanna mess with us.
Now leave my shop before
I do something I regret.
Clean up on aisle bitch!
Yo, I'ma kill you!
Stop! Chef Worsey, stop.
- We're above that.
- Yeah, you like to think that, don't you?
Good luck with that, big guy.
Easy, easy.
So then my lady ended
shit, which fucked me up.
So now I just wanna get away.
You know, I got the travel bug.
So I was trying to figure
out how I can go somewhere
with my record being all
fucked up and whatnot.
That's when I started wondering, like,
"Hey, like, who do you
know that works in law?"
That's when I remembered you.
But I know you're not,
like, a real lawyer,
um, you're just like a paralegal.
But I thought, "Hey, you know,
maybe she could still help me."
So that's when I looked
you up on LinkedIn.
But turns out I needed an account.
So I go to set up a password,
but it said the password
wasn't strong enough.
So then it gives me
a suggested password.
But I'm like, "How the fuck am
I supposed to remember all this?"
It was like Z-Y, um,
like, four sevens in a row
- and then, um, dash, a little T
- Luis!
Get to the point. What do you want?
So basically I'm here to see
how I can get my record expunged.
And I brought you a muffin.
Banana nut.
I can help you get
your paperwork started,
but this shit could take up to a year.
There are some places you can travel to
without having your
record expunged, though.
Like Paris?
No fuckin' chance you're going to Paris.
But I'll print you a list of
some countries you can go to.
Thanks, Maggie.
Hey, I really appreciate it, alright?
Hey, and congrats on
getting married, by the way.
Kinda fucked up I wasn't invited,
but, anyway, how's that shit going?
You doing alright, buddy?
We're fucked.
The fuckin' place is
better than us in every way.
Shit, man, I bet their
fucking coffee's good, too.
We're gonna have to shut
down, just like Hugs Not Thugs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't lose hope.
We'll get through this.
We're due for some good luck.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
I'm gonna go for a
run. I'll see you later.
- 'Sup, Payne.
- 'Sup, Luis?
Hey, Julio.
Guess who I saw today?
Ha, I knew she was gonna get divorced.
And she asked about you.
Oh, shit, for real? What did she say?
Uh, she said, "How's your
dumbass cousin doing?"
And then what did you say?
Then I said, um, "Oh, you
know, being a dumbass."
And then what did she say?
Oh, she was like, "This muffin's
pretty good for a muffin."
- Mm-hmm.
- "Do you guys serve it at the café?"
- Uh-huh.
- And I was like, "Yeah."
And then
- No, then she was like
- Mm-hmm.
"Oh, hold on, Luis,
- I'm about to sneeze."
- Okay.
And then she almost sneezed
uh, but then she didn't.
How'd she look?
Uh, like Maggie.
But like fucked up and sad though.
Hey, that's what you get
when you marry bootleg Julio.
Why'd you go see her anyways?
She's helping me get my shit expunged.
I'm gonna go to Paris.
- For real?
- Eventually.
But for now, I
decided I'm gonna go to Cambodia.
'Cause they don't give a fuck
if you got a record there.
- Plus, that's where they filmed Tomb Raider.
- Yeah.
So I'ma be out there
like Lara Croft, you know,
going through the jungle
and shit, blasting fools.
Fucking raiding tombs.
Hey, Officer Hernandez.
What's up?
Can we talk?
Nah, I'm good.
Okay. I understand.
Nah, wait, hey, come on,
I'm just fuckin' around.
Of course, I wanna talk to your ass.
- How you been?
- You know, been alright.
Handling my shit, you know?
Good. I know it's been a minute.
I just wanted to see that we're good.
I don't know. Weird.
I just thought you
were acting real crazy.
- I was acting crazy?
- Yeah.
You're the one that fuckin' disappeared
after I confessed my feeling to you.
Why do you think that is?
What do you mean,
why do you think that is?
You were You were a little
delusional and I had to
leave to make a point.
- I was delusional?
- Yeah, you were.
You're the one that fuckin'
bounced on me. Who the fuck does that?
- What fuckin' kinda psycho-ass person does that?
- Somebody that's smart.
After we had already been kickin' it.
The whole thing was a disaster.
I got into it way too
fucking fast, poor guy.
I'm never fucking another Julio again.
Well, sounds like it was your fault
and you're completely to blame
for everything that happened.
Ha, ha.
So what happened to that
MILF you were dating?
Fuckin' dumped her ass.
- Mm!
- Well, technically she broke up with me.
Damn. I lost my daughter.
You were a shitty dad anyway.
At least I didn't marry my
fuckin' rebound, dumbass.
Fuck you.
Don't. Stop, stop.
Hey, we should get back together.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, why not?
You're divorced, I'm single.
It's a sign.
Jesus, Julio.
That's good. Good one.
No, I'm serious.
You remember Ice Road Truckers?
I've been watching
that shit a lot lately.
There's this one part where
they talk about how the crows
find these trucks to fly next to
so they can survive and
stay warm during the winter.
It's fuckin' beautiful.
These crows are soaring
next to these truck drivers
across the fuckin' tundra.
You and me, we're like
the crow and the truck.
We always seem to find each other.
Nah, that analogy's fuckin' stupid.
The crow thinks the truck
is keeping it warm and safe
but the whole time it's
breathing in carbon monoxide.
The truck is killing the crow.
Yeah, but
I was pissed at you
for a long fuckin' time.
But you know what?
You were actually right.
We only did this shit
because it was convenient.
Yeah, you're right.
I gotta be alone for a while.
Get my shit together.
Maybe move into a cabin in
the woods, write a manifesto.
Shit, I might even get bangs again.
Staying friends sounds stupid, right?
Very fucking stupid.
Nothing annoys me more
than couples that break
up and stay friends.
Oh, fuck those people,
I hope they die alone.
Right? Why don't you just
fuckin' hate each other
like normal, mature people?
To us.
Two fuckin' losers who
deserve to be alone.
May I never see your stupid face again.
And then, trip out,
Maggie showed up after
you went out for your run
and she wanted to get back with me.
Yeah? What'd you say?
I said, look, that's really sweet
but you're caught up in a
moment of weakness right now.
At first, she didn't get
it, but then I explained
it to her logically and then she got it.
That's good, you don't need
a woman right now, you got me.
Plus, you're a young mogul.
We need to focus on the café.
We're gonna run those Guilt
Free fucks out of business.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
- What the fuck happened here?
- It wasn't me.
What the fuck?
That's a human masa on the floor.
Who did this human masa?
We all know who did this.
This is a classic case of he who is
without sin casting the first stone.
Uh, just yesterday, we brought
some of our delicious muffins
over to the Guilt Free Café, uh,
to welcome them to the neighborhood.
We wanted to see how
we could work together
to benefit our community,
but it became clear
they see us as the enemy,
even though we were here first.
They threw us out of their
store, they threatened us,
and then 24 hours later, this happened.
Get a shot of that.
Zoom in.
The world needs to
know what happened here.
This is what they do to you
when you're a good person.
Someone takes a literal on you.
Julio, how's that
fundraiser page coming?
What do you think of this title?
It's gonna
be okay, Carlos, it's gonna be okay.
"Help Mugs Not Thugs."
Change it to, um, "Mugs
Not Thugs is under attack,"
that'll get more eyes on it.
I cleaned up the human masa,
so I'm done for the day.
By the way, some fool out there's
asking to talk to the manager.
You got some nerve showing up
here after what you did to us.
You better not think about taking
another dump on our floor, you sick fuck.
Earlier today, I was
questioned by the police.
They had no problem
coming into my coffee shop
and making a scene in
front of the customers,
because you guys accused us
of a crime we didn't commit.
Fuck you and the innocent
horse you rode in on.
Where were you last night?
Hold on, uh, let me understand this.
Are you actually implying
that I broke into my own coffee shop,
smashed it all up, dropped
a deuce on the fuckin' floor,
and then blamed it on you?
- Yeah.
- Well, guess what?
There's a fuckin' hole
in your little theory.
I got an airtight alibi 'cause
I was with Julio all night.
I did not step one
foot out of our garage.
I'm gonna go for a
run. I'll see you later.
Right, Julio?
Yeah. That's right.
I thought maybe it was just you
but now I realize, you
guys are in it together.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, fuck you.
We know the real reason you're here.
You came to fuck us up.
So, drop the innocent act and
take a fuckin' swing, my friend.
I renounced violence years ago.
Nah, you just don't have
the balls to commit a crime,
you fuckin' pussy.
JULIO; Fuckin' asshole!
Oh, shit, sorry.
I'm sorry, it was a reflex.
But now that the seal is broken
Double jeopardy, bitch.
You really fucked shit up.
I think I'm gonna get
outta town for a while,
go back to New York.
Go visit my son.
The fuck, you have a son?
Yeah, he's in his 20 now, I think.
Might even be 30, Jesus, I don't know.
I left him and his mother
when he was just a kid.
At the time, I convinced
myself I was doing them a favor.
I guess I don't know what favors are.
Fuck, man.
This whole time I thought
you didn't go back to New York
because you were in
the mob or some shit.
Not all Italians are in the mob, Julio.
Hey, Chief, uh, sorry to bother you.
Hey, I came to pick up my check.
Jorge, get the fuck outta here!
Hey, fuck you!
You don't fuckin' talk to me like that.
I'm a good person, I don't
deserve to be treated this way.
Now fuckin' apologize to me
before I beat the living
dog shit out of you Chief.
I'm really sorry, Jorge, I'm sorry.
That's right, you're fuckin' sorry.
Now I'ma go home, I'll come
back for my check tomorrow.
Don't make me catch a case, Chief.
Hey, uh, do you think
I can get a ride home?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
I can't believe you
took a shit on the floor.
I did it for you.
He was a good roommate though.
He was always jerking off in here.
Yeah. So was I.
Yeah, so was I.
Payne's lucky though.
I hope in 20 years, I
find out I have a son
and I have to go visit that fool
and beg for forgiveness and shit.
Since Ruby doesn't wanna have any kids,
it's all I can hope for.
When you fools leave for Cambodia?
In a week, but just by myself.
Yeah, Ruby can't take
any more time off work.
But she said to go and experience it,
that, you know, it'd be
good for my soul and shit.
I'll keep shit going at
the café while you're gone.
Thanks, my boy.
Alright, I'm gonna take a shower.
Hey, but you know what?
I haven't forgot about all
that fucked-up shit you said
about Ruby being ugly.
I took a good-ass look at
her and she's a hard eight.
Also, I smelled her.
She smells fuckin' good, homey.
I think you were just
gasoline-lighting me.
I'm sorry.
I'ma be honest with you.
Ruby, she's fine as fuck.
I'd definitely hit that.
What the fuck?
Don't be saying shit
like that about my lady.
- Fuckin' idiot.
- Go take a shower.
That crazy big, big motherfucker
Payne getting us on the news
done bought us a bunch of new customers.
Shit's looking up.
Hey, Jorge.
I got an appointment later today.
I'm thinking you could be
in charge while I'm gone.
Got it, Chief. Yes!
So tell me, Julio,
why do you think it bothers
you so much that Jorge is happy?
Excuse me. Your drink, sir.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking,
as we make our ascent
over the Pacific Ocean
flying straight to Cambodia.
We are gonna be
experiencing some turbulence.
Please make sure that your seatbelts
are securely fastened for your safety.
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