Those Who Can't (2016) s03e03 Episode Script
You Can't Go Homecoming Again
1 All right? Sometimes, it's about the value.
Value? If you paid any money for this death trap, - then you've overpaid.
- It's funny you said "death trap.
" I actually got this at a police auction.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, they dredged it out of the bottom of a reservoir.
- Gross, dude.
- Yeah.
Well, that's why it was only 500 bucks.
- [COUGHS.]
- God.
That's why it smells like a gym sock in here.
Some mildew.
Dude, if I was your wife, I would be so pissed about this.
If you were my wife, I would've divorced you immediately.
- Not before one last bone sesh.
- That is not true.
- Because I need it, Billy.
- I went over with - She does not talk like that.
- Oh, but I need it.
- No, she does not.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not going in front of the main entrance to the school, are you? I can't be seen in this thing.
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
This is quality Slavic craftsmanship.
[CLUNK.]
Oh.
Okay, there she goes.
Yeah, the engine cuts out from time to time.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, don't worry, we'll just coast right by, into a spot, and no one will see us.
QUINN: S-M-double-O-T! Just no place I'd rather be! Good morning, Loren! We can see you! We can all see you! [LAUGHS.]
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Says here if I want to replace the air filter, I have to get it from Czechoslovakia.
You mean the Czech Republic.
No.
Oh, well.
I can probably find one on Václav's List.
Oh, my God.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Well, I have a feeling a story is coming.
Hmm.
Maybe she just really misses The Man with the Yellow Hat.
It's Mayor Nash's stupid Yes Mamm Initiative.
Oh, my God.
You're against chivalry now, Abbey? We get it.
You're independent A.
F.
, but come on.
Let a man hold the door for you every now and again.
Of course you would fall for that ad campaign.
It's a mammogram tax, you dunce, disguised as a chivalry bill.
He thinks that mammograms are a luxury item for women.
- Oh.
Yes Mamm.
- Mm-hmm.
You got to admit, that's pretty clever.
I mean, it's evil, but it's clever.
It's almost as evil as Keep Your Daughter From Work Day.
- [COUGHING.]
- God.
Come on.
Are you dying of consumption, Doc Holliday? Just probably some allergies.
It's his Dorge Claravan.
It's making him sick.
It's just some mold in the vents.
There you guys are.
We missed you at the homecoming pep rally today.
It was awesome.
There was yelling and clapping.
Wait.
Shouldn't your shirts say, "This could be our year"? Well, we actually felt that was a little too, uh, aggressive.
Also, we have a 0-74 homecoming record against Chatwood.
But this could be anyone's year.
- Hmm? - Fairbell gets it.
And, best part, I was able to scrape together a little bit of money towards a homecoming parade.
Which means floats! - Oh.
- No.
- Floats! - Yay.
Oh, that's awesome.
So cool.
I hope that's you tugging the truck horn of excitement.
I'm not.
I have two horns.
That's how excited I am.
Boy, you really tug those hard and fast, Fairbell.
- I'm a super trucker.
- All right.
That's good.
I think that's enough.
Just stop it.
- I'm excited.
- Just stop it.
Anyways, I decided to let each class nominate their own faculty advisor.
Obviously, a certain principal had a little bit of input.
And I just want to say congratulations.
- They chose you four.
- God damn it.
- Ooh.
- Really? You three are going down.
Whatever class I got, best class of the century.
- Watch out.
- It's not a competition.
However, I will be silently judging from the dark corners, deciding who did the best job.
- Good luck, Loren.
- [GROANS.]
TAMMY: Will the driver of the remains of some kind of Eastern European minivan please report to the faculty parking lot? Your lights are on fire.
- That could be anybody.
- Sure.
- It's a big school.
- Row after row of Dorge Claravan.
You know, I mean, there's a lot of faculty here and new drivers - Kids, first-time drivers.
- New cars all the time come in.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yep.
Totally.
SHOEMAKER: I should probably check.
I mean, I have a similar make and model.
Sure.
That'd that'd be smart.
Just bring my keys [CHUCKLES.]
just in case.
Not a big deal, though.
Okay, freshman, let's talk float themes.
I'm sure you're all as angry as I am about the terrible changes that Mayor Nash is making to Denver.
Hello? The Yes Mamm Initiative? I mean, it's a tax on mammograms, which is totally [BLEEP.]
Ooh, you said the "F" word.
Do you kids even know what a mammogram is? A singing telegram for older women? That's a good guess, but no.
But you know what breast cancer is, right? Like, when the Broncos put pink stickers on their helmets.
Okay, this is why we need to raise awareness about women's issues.
We need a float that says, "Don't mess with our breasts.
" What are some ways that we can show that? A sign that says, "Hands off my boobs"? That's a good idea, but What if the float was like a giant tit? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Trevor.
That is a perfect idea.
Okay, let's Let's talk design.
Which one of you is good at drawing boobs? Okay, sophomores, let's listen up.
Here's what we're going to do.
The Mount Rushmore of hip-hop.
Boom.
We put Notorious B.
I.
G.
on there, André 3000, one of the members of the Wu-Tang Clan, who we determine through an online poll, and then, of course, Eminem.
Although, we should probably consider putting him on twice because he's also Slim Shady, but he's also Marshall Mathers.
Yeah, we already came up with a float idea.
So, this is, uh This is a list of stuff we need you to go buy.
Already came up with an idea? What are you d Check it out.
"Smoot first above all"? Oh, my God.
No.
Guys, nobody is this into their school.
It's, um, lame.
Uh, loving your school is not lame.
We thought you were gonna share our hardcore Smoot pride.
You're a Smoot alum.
That's why we picked you.
Guys, we can do a hip-hop Mount Rushmore, and then put Smoot in there somewhere, tastefully, in small letters, at the bottom.
That sounds dope, Mr.
P.
Thank you, Marcus.
He gets it.
Of course Marcus would think that "sounds" dope.
He's a freakin' transfer from Chatwood.
Okay, guys.
You're getting a little worked up.
What's important to remember about floats is that they're fun and you don't take them too seriously.
Yeah, you would say that.
[COUGHING.]
Cuck.
Were you coughing or saying something under your breath? I can never tell.
Have you been riding in Shoemaker's van? Oh, Rob, that's not a good idea.
It's got mold.
Mr.
P.
, they're calling you a cuck.
What the hell is a cuck? All right, look, we're going with Smoot Pride, okay, so, you can either get on board and get the stuff or take a back seat.
Hmm.
What a tough decision.
How do I figure that out? You know what? I choose happy hour at Illegal Pete's.
Hey, we don't need your help, man.
Forget this guy.
Smoot.
Smoot.
[STUDENTS CHANTING "SMOOT".]
So, juniors, what do you think - the theme of our float should be? - I was thinking How about a celebration of Denver? Love it.
Little tweak, though Celebration of "Star Wars.
" Hmm? Okay, but if we do the Denver thing, my older brother knows the mandolin player for The Lumineers and they could play for us on the float.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- And if we do the "Star Wars" thing, our float takes place in a galaxy far, far away.
Right.
Uh, but if it takes place here, my dad knows John Elway.
I mean, he'd probably be willing to stand on the float and wave.
- What? - Yeah.
- That'd be huge.
We got to do that.
- Right? Sounds like we're all on board the "Star Wars" train.
Toot-toot.
Hmm? Coach Fairbell, we chose you because we thought you'd let us do whatever we want to do.
And I let you choose me because "Star Wars.
" Dibs on Jar Jar.
I get to be Jar Jar.
[AS JAR JAR BINKS.]
Me so Jar Jar.
I'm the funniest, but I'm the bravest, too.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I just got a letter from Mickey Mouse.
[SIGHS.]
Kease and desist.
KEVIN: All right, guys, look, we're just going around in circles here, okay? The best idea is to walk and shred.
I get up on the float, and I rip it up.
Why is it so hard to find a 30-year-old catalytic converter? All right, so, what about my idea? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening, Kevin.
Any other ideas? We could build something badass, since it's our last year.
I've been doing a lot of welding in auto shop.
Auto shop? Hey.
Yes, Sheena.
Oh, my God, that's awesome.
Just spitballing here, but do you think that you could fix up the engine and the body and everything on an '87 Dorge Claravan, huh? Oh, because it'd make a super-awesome base to a really kick-ass float.
It better be.
We chose you as our advisor because we want to go out with something really memorable.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, I see.
'Cause I was your most memorable of educators.
No.
Because you're loud as hell.
Throwing stuff, cursing.
Yeah, but the message, right? [CHUCKLES.]
- You had a message? - Okay.
Anyway, so, we should probably get started on that car float.
Car float that's what I was gonna say.
Stop looking at me like that.
[HACKING.]
Okay, come on, guys.
That was a dry one.
Yeah, it's a parade.
[LAUGHS.]
They're fun floats and all kinds of stuff.
So, what do you think? You will? Uh-huh.
Well, we'll see you then.
Goodbye.
Sorry.
Bien-bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tammy, that was "Super Accion Noticias" "Super Action News" crew.
I know what it means, Geoffrey.
They're gonna cover our homecoming parade.
Said they wouldn't miss it for the world.
She said, just now, that we are, and I quote, "A ratings bonanza.
" Yeah, because every other Smoot event they've covered has been a disaster.
Okay.
Why don't we just relax, Rikki-Tikki Tammy.
This is just the "end of the newscast" puff piece.
We're basically their water-skiing squirrel.
Yeah, but we have four assholes driving the tiny boat.
Squirrels, Tammy.
Four squirrels.
[CHUCKLES.]
Give them some credit for once.
Lord, help us.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
This is amazing.
Great work.
- [COUGHS.]
- When do we get to make it cool? You get to make it look cool when it's safe for my fa For you guys, is what I was gonna say.
Because I think of you as family.
That's what I meant by that.
Sometimes.
Keep it up.
[COUGHING.]
Thanks to all of your extremely well-rendered drawings, this float looks great.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is going to send a message that women's breasts are not some cheap money-maker.
N-N-N-No.
D-Don't touch the boob.
It's It's still wet.
Maybe we should add some more stuff.
Like a butt.
Or vagina.
Trevor.
Aiden.
That is a great idea.
We could reclaim all the parts of a woman's body that men think that they own.
You know, I was wrong to think that you 14-year-old boys wouldn't get it.
Now, which one of you can draw a Wow.
Talented group of young men.
SHOEMAKER: [COUGHS.]
Hey, Shoemaker, you got a sec? - Just real quick before you die.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
What is it? These asshole sophomores keep calling me a cuck.
- Do you know what that means? - Yeah, it means cuckold.
- Cuckold? - It's, like, a guy who's okay with his lady banging other dudes like you.
I only watched Jade with her clients because they pay double if I'm in the room.
Wait, you actually do that? Like, you hide in a Ramada closet and watch her? Yeah, like Ramada's have closets.
High-roller.
It's called chivalry, Shoemaker.
I'm being supportive of my fiancé's career.
God, why would they turn that into something negative? Well, I can think of a few reasons.
I mean, there's the health ramifications You know what? I'm just gonna give these sophomores what for.
Or, hey, you know what? I could give them the what for and you could just hang out and watch.
[LAUGHS, WHEEZES.]
Marcus, what are you doing out here on the floor, man? Oh, they kicked me out.
They said, "No Chatwood traitors allowed.
" Unbelievable.
Come with me.
Chatwood doesn't send their best.
They're sending flunkies.
They're sending slackers.
Some of them I assume are good students.
All right, stop what you're doing, you psychos.
I just learned what the word "cuck" means, and I'm taking it back right now.
Yeah? What does it mean? Well, why don't you tell me what it means first, Rob? It's a guy, obvious uh, who who doesn't have a dick.
Wrong.
That's not what it means, at all.
It's when a gentleman, such as myself, subverts the patriarchical hedge poke-pokemon so that his bride-to-be can actualize her career.
Which is very cool, if you ask me.
Yo, Mr.
P.
, according to Urban Dictionary, it's a guy who watches his lady bang other guys.
What? That's what it means? No.
That is like the third or fourth definition.
The primary definition is just a synonym for chivalry.
That's all you need to know.
Where did you even learn that word in the first place? Well, I heard it from my older brother, Bryce, and his buds at their men's rights sleepover.
That makes perfect sense, because your brother Bryce was a loser in high school, and apparently, he's still a loser to this day.
But can we just put aside all this meanness and just focus on building a dope float together, guys? Come on.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather watch us build your dope float? Well, yeah.
I mean, I was gonna watch the whole time.
I assumed you'd do most of the work.
Oh, watch like I see what you're doing.
You know what? Build your hateful little float, and have fun doing it.
Marcus and I, we're gonna go do something actually cool.
See you later, suck town.
Pbht.
Yo, I think it's big-boy shit how you're taking the power of that word back.
Yeah? Hell, yeah.
It is big-boy shit.
Man, you ever have haters, Marcus? - Yeah, Rob.
- Oh, yeah.
Rob.
Laser, laser, laser, laser, laser - Hey, Fairbell, you got a sec? - For you, I got all the secs.
Okay, well, listen.
Marcus and I are having a pretty hard time with our float group, so we were thinking that maybe we could trade.
Mm, I don't know.
I'm almost done with my M-WING from "Star Worlds.
" Ooh, I just got a letter from Mickey Mouse.
Oh, my G Another one.
It's "Star Worlds.
" I made it up.
It's stupid.
[SCOFFS.]
You're stupid, Joel.
Fairbell, your kids don't even appreciate you.
But the sophomores, man, they love dumb, nerd stuff.
Hmm? - Okay, I'll trade.
- Yes.
All right.
But good luck with these duds.
And may the force May the forts be with you.
[WHISPERING.]
Tree forts.
I'm in a lot of trouble - Really? - with some lawyers.
- What's up, Pigeon Heart? - Yo.
Hey.
Do not make fun of him because he's a transfer student.
I have a small heart and shit.
The doctor says it's the size of a pigeon's.
- God.
- I'm waiting on a transplant.
So, that's why you're so small and sick-looking.
Oh, my God.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I could die at any second? No.
That you're a symbol of resilience A float-worthy symbol of resilience.
You guys, we can show these sophomores that our strength comes from your weakness.
Yeah, let's do that instead of The Lumineers/John Elway idea.
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
For Pigeon Heart.
No, no, no, no, no.
The John Elway thing.
[STUDENTS CHANTING "PIGEON HEART".]
Prior to my arrival, were you guys planning something with John Elway? Does anyone know John Elway? Like, he'll come to school? Hey, hey, hey Okay? Oh, look at this.
Marcus, more feathers, man.
Here, Mr.
P.
- All right, bud.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, well, I'm gonna go get a coffee.
Everybody clean this up.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Oh-ho! Oh! Yes! Yeah! Whoo! Yes! [COUGHING.]
Oh, man.
My wife is gonna love this.
- Your wife? - Well, yeah.
Because she's gonna see it at the parade.
'Cause she loves parades.
She can't get enough of them.
Macy's and any other one I don't know.
[COUGHS.]
I got to go get this damn cough look at.
But really phenomenal work, everybody.
[COUGHS.]
I think we just got played, man.
Let's chop this bitch.
- [WHEEZES.]
- Eww, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds hairy.
No, no.
Put your arms down.
Take another breath.
- [WHEEZES.]
- Yeah.
You definitely are suffering from a serious case of lungitis.
What the hell is that? - That doesn'tsound - That is a real thing.
- That does not sound like a real thing.
- Do you want a second opinion? - No, I do not want a second opinion.
- Because - Twin doctors reveal.
- Yeah, we get it.
You've revealed yourselves to us like five times or something, okay? No one gives a shit.
What's wrong with me? Well, from where I was eavesdropping being that door, it sounds like you need a little more, uh fake breasts.
- No.
- Pure oxygen.
I thought you were the doctor.
Well, you'll never know.
BOTH: And that's the fun part.
Concealed.
- Give me the freakin' oxygen.
- Okay.
GUZMAN: Spirits are high here today in Denver at Reed Smoot's tri-annual homecoming Day parade.
Hi, I'm Gloria Guzman from "Super Accion Noticias," here at Denver's Smoot High, the subject of not one, but two, of my Front Range Emmys.
Oh, the Fremmys.
[LAUGHS.]
Very nice.
Yes, and joining me on color commentary is Principal Geoffrey Quinn.
Geoffrey, it has been a rocky road back to Smoot, has it not? Well, uh, rocky road is my favorite ice-cream flavor, so yes, my days are filled with ice cream.
Gloria, why don't we focus on the reason why we are here Our homecoming parade.
Okay, yes.
All right.
So, what sort of floats are we expecting this year? Oh, it is gonna be a surprise to both of us, Gloria.
[LAUGHS.]
- So, you haven't seen them yet? - Uh, nope.
But I am just as excited as you are.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, I doubt that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- And here we go.
- So we have a marching band.
We have one One non-mascotted mascot.
The costume itself is currently missing.
Here comes the first float.
[AUDIENCE "OOHS".]
- Look at that.
- Yes, and what do we have here? Uh, it looks like something very Looks like a serial killer's freezer.
You know, I can't say for sure that that was the intent.
You know, it looks like maybe something abstract.
This is a protest float.
Down with Mayor Nash! Down with Nash! Huh.
Probably more of a, uh, you know, an abstract political, uh, float.
It's artistic, and it's informative.
Hey! Don't touch that, gentlemen.
This is about respect.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh-oh, yes.
I told you.
When the feathers, dry, we're in business.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Nice pigeon, losers.
Ugh.
Hey, Mr.
Payton, can I have your fiancé's business card? I'm thinking about making an appointment.
TOGETHER: Ohh! [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, sure, Rob.
I'll give it to your mom.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
She's dead.
[LAUGHS.]
Right? Nothin'? Damn it.
[STUDENTS CHANTING "SMOOT".]
Pull anchor, Marcus.
It's time to get the SS Friendship up to ramming speed.
YOUNG MAN: So, so cool.
No! [GRUNTS.]
What the hell have you done? You ruined my minivan.
We made a badass float, man.
That was the plan, right? No.
You destroyed my future family vehicle.
No.
We did what we were supposed to do.
You shouldn't have tried to trick us into fixing up your stupid-ass Dorge van.
So, I hope you enjoy it, Shoemaker.
This one's from the seniors.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Let's go ride the boob.
Get back he [COUGHING.]
Yo, can I still shred? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Get on.
QUINN: Oh, the sophomores are up.
[CHUCKLING.]
Here we go.
Now, this this is more what we expected here at our homecoming parade.
I-It's a little intense.
Ah, well, you know, that's the kind of school spirit that we've been lacking for a very long time.
This could be anybody's year! FAIRBELL: No! Shut up! This is Smoot's year.
Live Smoot or die! Well, I like that fire, Coach.
He's harmless.
Oh, look out.
Here come the juniors.
- Come on.
- We love you, Loren.
GUZMAN: Going awfully fast, aren't they? - Oh, they're just excited.
- What are you doing? It seems like that float is chasing the other float.
Uh, you know, I think Fairbell maybe dropped his wallet and Loren found it and is trying to catch up and give it back to him.
Oh, God.
It looks like he's gonna ram his ass.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
No-o-o-o! The "S" and part of the "H"! - Nooooooo! - Let's get them! [SCREAMING.]
Save yourselves! Aah! Nooo! No! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Run, seniors! - [LAUGHS.]
- [BLEEP.]
GUZMAN: And this just keeps getting better.
Nooooooo! Noooooooooo! Kevin, you're getting really good up there! [LAUGHS.]
[GUITAR BLARING.]
Oh, my God.
Have you ever seen squirrels water ski? Have you ever done a report on that? I mean, that is That is something else.
Another very public humiliation for Smoot.
What were you possibly thinking? Which one of us are you talking to? I'm asking all of you, but especially you.
Well, the sophomores were just dicks, and I guess it pushed a few buttons, Quinn.
Okay.
Very good reason.
What about you two? Well, I have the right to protest in the form of parade floats.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I love my school, lib-tard.
Okay, we will be speaking in my office.
The three of you embarrass me.
LOREN: So, get this.
Rob and his goons, I think their float fell apart a little too easily.
Yeah.
And if you watch the footage slowed down, looks like a controlled demolition derby.
Hmm? Think about it.
Wake up, sheeple.
Speaking of crackpot conspiracy theories, where's Shoemaker? Oh, what a lovely day we got, Kevin! I think we've really earned ourselves some hot eats and cool drinks.
[GUITAR BLARING.]
- Please move forward.
- Yo.
What're we having here? All right, Kev, what do you want? Kevin! Hey! Come on! All right, but I don't want to hear you complaining when I'm eating a sundae.
- [COUGHS.]
- Yoooo.
Value? If you paid any money for this death trap, - then you've overpaid.
- It's funny you said "death trap.
" I actually got this at a police auction.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, they dredged it out of the bottom of a reservoir.
- Gross, dude.
- Yeah.
Well, that's why it was only 500 bucks.
- [COUGHS.]
- God.
That's why it smells like a gym sock in here.
Some mildew.
Dude, if I was your wife, I would be so pissed about this.
If you were my wife, I would've divorced you immediately.
- Not before one last bone sesh.
- That is not true.
- Because I need it, Billy.
- I went over with - She does not talk like that.
- Oh, but I need it.
- No, she does not.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not going in front of the main entrance to the school, are you? I can't be seen in this thing.
I have nothing to be ashamed of.
This is quality Slavic craftsmanship.
[CLUNK.]
Oh.
Okay, there she goes.
Yeah, the engine cuts out from time to time.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, don't worry, we'll just coast right by, into a spot, and no one will see us.
QUINN: S-M-double-O-T! Just no place I'd rather be! Good morning, Loren! We can see you! We can all see you! [LAUGHS.]
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Says here if I want to replace the air filter, I have to get it from Czechoslovakia.
You mean the Czech Republic.
No.
Oh, well.
I can probably find one on Václav's List.
Oh, my God.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Well, I have a feeling a story is coming.
Hmm.
Maybe she just really misses The Man with the Yellow Hat.
It's Mayor Nash's stupid Yes Mamm Initiative.
Oh, my God.
You're against chivalry now, Abbey? We get it.
You're independent A.
F.
, but come on.
Let a man hold the door for you every now and again.
Of course you would fall for that ad campaign.
It's a mammogram tax, you dunce, disguised as a chivalry bill.
He thinks that mammograms are a luxury item for women.
- Oh.
Yes Mamm.
- Mm-hmm.
You got to admit, that's pretty clever.
I mean, it's evil, but it's clever.
It's almost as evil as Keep Your Daughter From Work Day.
- [COUGHING.]
- God.
Come on.
Are you dying of consumption, Doc Holliday? Just probably some allergies.
It's his Dorge Claravan.
It's making him sick.
It's just some mold in the vents.
There you guys are.
We missed you at the homecoming pep rally today.
It was awesome.
There was yelling and clapping.
Wait.
Shouldn't your shirts say, "This could be our year"? Well, we actually felt that was a little too, uh, aggressive.
Also, we have a 0-74 homecoming record against Chatwood.
But this could be anyone's year.
- Hmm? - Fairbell gets it.
And, best part, I was able to scrape together a little bit of money towards a homecoming parade.
Which means floats! - Oh.
- No.
- Floats! - Yay.
Oh, that's awesome.
So cool.
I hope that's you tugging the truck horn of excitement.
I'm not.
I have two horns.
That's how excited I am.
Boy, you really tug those hard and fast, Fairbell.
- I'm a super trucker.
- All right.
That's good.
I think that's enough.
Just stop it.
- I'm excited.
- Just stop it.
Anyways, I decided to let each class nominate their own faculty advisor.
Obviously, a certain principal had a little bit of input.
And I just want to say congratulations.
- They chose you four.
- God damn it.
- Ooh.
- Really? You three are going down.
Whatever class I got, best class of the century.
- Watch out.
- It's not a competition.
However, I will be silently judging from the dark corners, deciding who did the best job.
- Good luck, Loren.
- [GROANS.]
TAMMY: Will the driver of the remains of some kind of Eastern European minivan please report to the faculty parking lot? Your lights are on fire.
- That could be anybody.
- Sure.
- It's a big school.
- Row after row of Dorge Claravan.
You know, I mean, there's a lot of faculty here and new drivers - Kids, first-time drivers.
- New cars all the time come in.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yep.
Totally.
SHOEMAKER: I should probably check.
I mean, I have a similar make and model.
Sure.
That'd that'd be smart.
Just bring my keys [CHUCKLES.]
just in case.
Not a big deal, though.
Okay, freshman, let's talk float themes.
I'm sure you're all as angry as I am about the terrible changes that Mayor Nash is making to Denver.
Hello? The Yes Mamm Initiative? I mean, it's a tax on mammograms, which is totally [BLEEP.]
Ooh, you said the "F" word.
Do you kids even know what a mammogram is? A singing telegram for older women? That's a good guess, but no.
But you know what breast cancer is, right? Like, when the Broncos put pink stickers on their helmets.
Okay, this is why we need to raise awareness about women's issues.
We need a float that says, "Don't mess with our breasts.
" What are some ways that we can show that? A sign that says, "Hands off my boobs"? That's a good idea, but What if the float was like a giant tit? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Trevor.
That is a perfect idea.
Okay, let's Let's talk design.
Which one of you is good at drawing boobs? Okay, sophomores, let's listen up.
Here's what we're going to do.
The Mount Rushmore of hip-hop.
Boom.
We put Notorious B.
I.
G.
on there, André 3000, one of the members of the Wu-Tang Clan, who we determine through an online poll, and then, of course, Eminem.
Although, we should probably consider putting him on twice because he's also Slim Shady, but he's also Marshall Mathers.
Yeah, we already came up with a float idea.
So, this is, uh This is a list of stuff we need you to go buy.
Already came up with an idea? What are you d Check it out.
"Smoot first above all"? Oh, my God.
No.
Guys, nobody is this into their school.
It's, um, lame.
Uh, loving your school is not lame.
We thought you were gonna share our hardcore Smoot pride.
You're a Smoot alum.
That's why we picked you.
Guys, we can do a hip-hop Mount Rushmore, and then put Smoot in there somewhere, tastefully, in small letters, at the bottom.
That sounds dope, Mr.
P.
Thank you, Marcus.
He gets it.
Of course Marcus would think that "sounds" dope.
He's a freakin' transfer from Chatwood.
Okay, guys.
You're getting a little worked up.
What's important to remember about floats is that they're fun and you don't take them too seriously.
Yeah, you would say that.
[COUGHING.]
Cuck.
Were you coughing or saying something under your breath? I can never tell.
Have you been riding in Shoemaker's van? Oh, Rob, that's not a good idea.
It's got mold.
Mr.
P.
, they're calling you a cuck.
What the hell is a cuck? All right, look, we're going with Smoot Pride, okay, so, you can either get on board and get the stuff or take a back seat.
Hmm.
What a tough decision.
How do I figure that out? You know what? I choose happy hour at Illegal Pete's.
Hey, we don't need your help, man.
Forget this guy.
Smoot.
Smoot.
[STUDENTS CHANTING "SMOOT".]
So, juniors, what do you think - the theme of our float should be? - I was thinking How about a celebration of Denver? Love it.
Little tweak, though Celebration of "Star Wars.
" Hmm? Okay, but if we do the Denver thing, my older brother knows the mandolin player for The Lumineers and they could play for us on the float.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- And if we do the "Star Wars" thing, our float takes place in a galaxy far, far away.
Right.
Uh, but if it takes place here, my dad knows John Elway.
I mean, he'd probably be willing to stand on the float and wave.
- What? - Yeah.
- That'd be huge.
We got to do that.
- Right? Sounds like we're all on board the "Star Wars" train.
Toot-toot.
Hmm? Coach Fairbell, we chose you because we thought you'd let us do whatever we want to do.
And I let you choose me because "Star Wars.
" Dibs on Jar Jar.
I get to be Jar Jar.
[AS JAR JAR BINKS.]
Me so Jar Jar.
I'm the funniest, but I'm the bravest, too.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I just got a letter from Mickey Mouse.
[SIGHS.]
Kease and desist.
KEVIN: All right, guys, look, we're just going around in circles here, okay? The best idea is to walk and shred.
I get up on the float, and I rip it up.
Why is it so hard to find a 30-year-old catalytic converter? All right, so, what about my idea? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening, Kevin.
Any other ideas? We could build something badass, since it's our last year.
I've been doing a lot of welding in auto shop.
Auto shop? Hey.
Yes, Sheena.
Oh, my God, that's awesome.
Just spitballing here, but do you think that you could fix up the engine and the body and everything on an '87 Dorge Claravan, huh? Oh, because it'd make a super-awesome base to a really kick-ass float.
It better be.
We chose you as our advisor because we want to go out with something really memorable.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, I see.
'Cause I was your most memorable of educators.
No.
Because you're loud as hell.
Throwing stuff, cursing.
Yeah, but the message, right? [CHUCKLES.]
- You had a message? - Okay.
Anyway, so, we should probably get started on that car float.
Car float that's what I was gonna say.
Stop looking at me like that.
[HACKING.]
Okay, come on, guys.
That was a dry one.
Yeah, it's a parade.
[LAUGHS.]
They're fun floats and all kinds of stuff.
So, what do you think? You will? Uh-huh.
Well, we'll see you then.
Goodbye.
Sorry.
Bien-bye.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tammy, that was "Super Accion Noticias" "Super Action News" crew.
I know what it means, Geoffrey.
They're gonna cover our homecoming parade.
Said they wouldn't miss it for the world.
She said, just now, that we are, and I quote, "A ratings bonanza.
" Yeah, because every other Smoot event they've covered has been a disaster.
Okay.
Why don't we just relax, Rikki-Tikki Tammy.
This is just the "end of the newscast" puff piece.
We're basically their water-skiing squirrel.
Yeah, but we have four assholes driving the tiny boat.
Squirrels, Tammy.
Four squirrels.
[CHUCKLES.]
Give them some credit for once.
Lord, help us.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
This is amazing.
Great work.
- [COUGHS.]
- When do we get to make it cool? You get to make it look cool when it's safe for my fa For you guys, is what I was gonna say.
Because I think of you as family.
That's what I meant by that.
Sometimes.
Keep it up.
[COUGHING.]
Thanks to all of your extremely well-rendered drawings, this float looks great.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is going to send a message that women's breasts are not some cheap money-maker.
N-N-N-No.
D-Don't touch the boob.
It's It's still wet.
Maybe we should add some more stuff.
Like a butt.
Or vagina.
Trevor.
Aiden.
That is a great idea.
We could reclaim all the parts of a woman's body that men think that they own.
You know, I was wrong to think that you 14-year-old boys wouldn't get it.
Now, which one of you can draw a Wow.
Talented group of young men.
SHOEMAKER: [COUGHS.]
Hey, Shoemaker, you got a sec? - Just real quick before you die.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah.
What is it? These asshole sophomores keep calling me a cuck.
- Do you know what that means? - Yeah, it means cuckold.
- Cuckold? - It's, like, a guy who's okay with his lady banging other dudes like you.
I only watched Jade with her clients because they pay double if I'm in the room.
Wait, you actually do that? Like, you hide in a Ramada closet and watch her? Yeah, like Ramada's have closets.
High-roller.
It's called chivalry, Shoemaker.
I'm being supportive of my fiancé's career.
God, why would they turn that into something negative? Well, I can think of a few reasons.
I mean, there's the health ramifications You know what? I'm just gonna give these sophomores what for.
Or, hey, you know what? I could give them the what for and you could just hang out and watch.
[LAUGHS, WHEEZES.]
Marcus, what are you doing out here on the floor, man? Oh, they kicked me out.
They said, "No Chatwood traitors allowed.
" Unbelievable.
Come with me.
Chatwood doesn't send their best.
They're sending flunkies.
They're sending slackers.
Some of them I assume are good students.
All right, stop what you're doing, you psychos.
I just learned what the word "cuck" means, and I'm taking it back right now.
Yeah? What does it mean? Well, why don't you tell me what it means first, Rob? It's a guy, obvious uh, who who doesn't have a dick.
Wrong.
That's not what it means, at all.
It's when a gentleman, such as myself, subverts the patriarchical hedge poke-pokemon so that his bride-to-be can actualize her career.
Which is very cool, if you ask me.
Yo, Mr.
P.
, according to Urban Dictionary, it's a guy who watches his lady bang other guys.
What? That's what it means? No.
That is like the third or fourth definition.
The primary definition is just a synonym for chivalry.
That's all you need to know.
Where did you even learn that word in the first place? Well, I heard it from my older brother, Bryce, and his buds at their men's rights sleepover.
That makes perfect sense, because your brother Bryce was a loser in high school, and apparently, he's still a loser to this day.
But can we just put aside all this meanness and just focus on building a dope float together, guys? Come on.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather watch us build your dope float? Well, yeah.
I mean, I was gonna watch the whole time.
I assumed you'd do most of the work.
Oh, watch like I see what you're doing.
You know what? Build your hateful little float, and have fun doing it.
Marcus and I, we're gonna go do something actually cool.
See you later, suck town.
Pbht.
Yo, I think it's big-boy shit how you're taking the power of that word back.
Yeah? Hell, yeah.
It is big-boy shit.
Man, you ever have haters, Marcus? - Yeah, Rob.
- Oh, yeah.
Rob.
Laser, laser, laser, laser, laser - Hey, Fairbell, you got a sec? - For you, I got all the secs.
Okay, well, listen.
Marcus and I are having a pretty hard time with our float group, so we were thinking that maybe we could trade.
Mm, I don't know.
I'm almost done with my M-WING from "Star Worlds.
" Ooh, I just got a letter from Mickey Mouse.
Oh, my G Another one.
It's "Star Worlds.
" I made it up.
It's stupid.
[SCOFFS.]
You're stupid, Joel.
Fairbell, your kids don't even appreciate you.
But the sophomores, man, they love dumb, nerd stuff.
Hmm? - Okay, I'll trade.
- Yes.
All right.
But good luck with these duds.
And may the force May the forts be with you.
[WHISPERING.]
Tree forts.
I'm in a lot of trouble - Really? - with some lawyers.
- What's up, Pigeon Heart? - Yo.
Hey.
Do not make fun of him because he's a transfer student.
I have a small heart and shit.
The doctor says it's the size of a pigeon's.
- God.
- I'm waiting on a transplant.
So, that's why you're so small and sick-looking.
Oh, my God.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I could die at any second? No.
That you're a symbol of resilience A float-worthy symbol of resilience.
You guys, we can show these sophomores that our strength comes from your weakness.
Yeah, let's do that instead of The Lumineers/John Elway idea.
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
For Pigeon Heart.
No, no, no, no, no.
The John Elway thing.
[STUDENTS CHANTING "PIGEON HEART".]
Prior to my arrival, were you guys planning something with John Elway? Does anyone know John Elway? Like, he'll come to school? Hey, hey, hey Okay? Oh, look at this.
Marcus, more feathers, man.
Here, Mr.
P.
- All right, bud.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, well, I'm gonna go get a coffee.
Everybody clean this up.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Oh-ho! Oh! Yes! Yeah! Whoo! Yes! [COUGHING.]
Oh, man.
My wife is gonna love this.
- Your wife? - Well, yeah.
Because she's gonna see it at the parade.
'Cause she loves parades.
She can't get enough of them.
Macy's and any other one I don't know.
[COUGHS.]
I got to go get this damn cough look at.
But really phenomenal work, everybody.
[COUGHS.]
I think we just got played, man.
Let's chop this bitch.
- [WHEEZES.]
- Eww, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds hairy.
No, no.
Put your arms down.
Take another breath.
- [WHEEZES.]
- Yeah.
You definitely are suffering from a serious case of lungitis.
What the hell is that? - That doesn'tsound - That is a real thing.
- That does not sound like a real thing.
- Do you want a second opinion? - No, I do not want a second opinion.
- Because - Twin doctors reveal.
- Yeah, we get it.
You've revealed yourselves to us like five times or something, okay? No one gives a shit.
What's wrong with me? Well, from where I was eavesdropping being that door, it sounds like you need a little more, uh fake breasts.
- No.
- Pure oxygen.
I thought you were the doctor.
Well, you'll never know.
BOTH: And that's the fun part.
Concealed.
- Give me the freakin' oxygen.
- Okay.
GUZMAN: Spirits are high here today in Denver at Reed Smoot's tri-annual homecoming Day parade.
Hi, I'm Gloria Guzman from "Super Accion Noticias," here at Denver's Smoot High, the subject of not one, but two, of my Front Range Emmys.
Oh, the Fremmys.
[LAUGHS.]
Very nice.
Yes, and joining me on color commentary is Principal Geoffrey Quinn.
Geoffrey, it has been a rocky road back to Smoot, has it not? Well, uh, rocky road is my favorite ice-cream flavor, so yes, my days are filled with ice cream.
Gloria, why don't we focus on the reason why we are here Our homecoming parade.
Okay, yes.
All right.
So, what sort of floats are we expecting this year? Oh, it is gonna be a surprise to both of us, Gloria.
[LAUGHS.]
- So, you haven't seen them yet? - Uh, nope.
But I am just as excited as you are.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, I doubt that.
[CHUCKLES.]
- And here we go.
- So we have a marching band.
We have one One non-mascotted mascot.
The costume itself is currently missing.
Here comes the first float.
[AUDIENCE "OOHS".]
- Look at that.
- Yes, and what do we have here? Uh, it looks like something very Looks like a serial killer's freezer.
You know, I can't say for sure that that was the intent.
You know, it looks like maybe something abstract.
This is a protest float.
Down with Mayor Nash! Down with Nash! Huh.
Probably more of a, uh, you know, an abstract political, uh, float.
It's artistic, and it's informative.
Hey! Don't touch that, gentlemen.
This is about respect.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh-oh, yes.
I told you.
When the feathers, dry, we're in business.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Nice pigeon, losers.
Ugh.
Hey, Mr.
Payton, can I have your fiancé's business card? I'm thinking about making an appointment.
TOGETHER: Ohh! [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, sure, Rob.
I'll give it to your mom.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
She's dead.
[LAUGHS.]
Right? Nothin'? Damn it.
[STUDENTS CHANTING "SMOOT".]
Pull anchor, Marcus.
It's time to get the SS Friendship up to ramming speed.
YOUNG MAN: So, so cool.
No! [GRUNTS.]
What the hell have you done? You ruined my minivan.
We made a badass float, man.
That was the plan, right? No.
You destroyed my future family vehicle.
No.
We did what we were supposed to do.
You shouldn't have tried to trick us into fixing up your stupid-ass Dorge van.
So, I hope you enjoy it, Shoemaker.
This one's from the seniors.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Let's go ride the boob.
Get back he [COUGHING.]
Yo, can I still shred? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Get on.
QUINN: Oh, the sophomores are up.
[CHUCKLING.]
Here we go.
Now, this this is more what we expected here at our homecoming parade.
I-It's a little intense.
Ah, well, you know, that's the kind of school spirit that we've been lacking for a very long time.
This could be anybody's year! FAIRBELL: No! Shut up! This is Smoot's year.
Live Smoot or die! Well, I like that fire, Coach.
He's harmless.
Oh, look out.
Here come the juniors.
- Come on.
- We love you, Loren.
GUZMAN: Going awfully fast, aren't they? - Oh, they're just excited.
- What are you doing? It seems like that float is chasing the other float.
Uh, you know, I think Fairbell maybe dropped his wallet and Loren found it and is trying to catch up and give it back to him.
Oh, God.
It looks like he's gonna ram his ass.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
No-o-o-o! The "S" and part of the "H"! - Nooooooo! - Let's get them! [SCREAMING.]
Save yourselves! Aah! Nooo! No! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Run, seniors! - [LAUGHS.]
- [BLEEP.]
GUZMAN: And this just keeps getting better.
Nooooooo! Noooooooooo! Kevin, you're getting really good up there! [LAUGHS.]
[GUITAR BLARING.]
Oh, my God.
Have you ever seen squirrels water ski? Have you ever done a report on that? I mean, that is That is something else.
Another very public humiliation for Smoot.
What were you possibly thinking? Which one of us are you talking to? I'm asking all of you, but especially you.
Well, the sophomores were just dicks, and I guess it pushed a few buttons, Quinn.
Okay.
Very good reason.
What about you two? Well, I have the right to protest in the form of parade floats.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I love my school, lib-tard.
Okay, we will be speaking in my office.
The three of you embarrass me.
LOREN: So, get this.
Rob and his goons, I think their float fell apart a little too easily.
Yeah.
And if you watch the footage slowed down, looks like a controlled demolition derby.
Hmm? Think about it.
Wake up, sheeple.
Speaking of crackpot conspiracy theories, where's Shoemaker? Oh, what a lovely day we got, Kevin! I think we've really earned ourselves some hot eats and cool drinks.
[GUITAR BLARING.]
- Please move forward.
- Yo.
What're we having here? All right, Kev, what do you want? Kevin! Hey! Come on! All right, but I don't want to hear you complaining when I'm eating a sundae.
- [COUGHS.]
- Yoooo.