Those Who Can't (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

A Smoot Holiday Coincidence

Anyway, it was not the "Rocky II" I thought it was when I rented it.
Cher wasn't even in it.
Rip-off! Yeah, get go eat that somewhere else.
Season's greetings, Smoot faculty! [LAUGHS.]
Now, I have some news that, when you hear it, I think "yule" be quite merry.
I get it! Steven got it.
Anyways, the big news is, I was able to squeeze $400 out of the budget and put it towards a Smoot outdoor Christmas lights display! Quinn, it's holiday display.
This is a public school.
We should be inclusive.
Okay, thank you, Abbey, for getting involved.
Uh, I'm just saying that, if we play our Christmas cards holiday cards right, we have a chance to be featured in the Channel 5 News "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest! [LAUGHS.]
Have you guys seen this? I was just talking to some cool kids smoking cigarettes, and they say we need to raise money stat because Marcus needs a new heart transplant.
- What? - What? Marcus, the frail little sophomore kid? Marcus may be frail, but he has an upbeat attitude and an unfailing love of hip-hop, Steven.
It's not his fault he has a pigeon-sized heart.
- I've never heard of that.
- What? That is a gigantic heart.
- Pigeons can be up to 8 pounds.
- Idiots! - No, no, no.
I said it wrong.
- I'm not a doctor.
His heart is the size of a heart of a pigeon.
- Oh! That's opposite.
- Oh.
They're so tiny! His family's raising money with a WhyDon'tYouGoFundYourself page, but they only know other poor people.
After 15 long years, looks like Marcus' little pigeon heart is finally about to [STEADY BEEP.]
Oh! Yeah, that's me.
Damn it! That's Tampa's 38-week ultrasound.
I'm sorry.
I got to get out of here, guys.
He can't just leave school.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through You guys, this could be Marcus' last Christmas.
I hope it's better than my last Christmas.
I didn't get anything I asked for.
Here's a thought What if we took that $400 and put it towards helping out Marcus? - Yes! - That's great! - That's great.
- Yeah.
$400 is a lot of money.
However, you want to get that kid a heart And I mean a real heart - Yes, the best heart! - Use that money to make money.
- Bake sale style! - Bake sale! - Yes! - That's a great idea.
- There you go.
- I love it.
I'm a master baker.
I'll whip up a batch.
- Here's hoping for a holiday miracle.
- Yes! Actually, "miracle" is kind of loaded.
Abbey! Agh! Thank you so much for reminding me! Ugh! Here's hoping for a Smoot Holiday "Coincidence"! Yes! I just don't understand.
Give it better real estate, and they'll move more.
It's literally in the center of the table.
Can I get one reindeer cookie and two Christmas tree cookies, please? You can have one Kwanzaa wildebeest cookie and two winter solstice green triangles.
Absolutely! Happy Holidays! Thanks.
Hey, everybody, there he is.
There he is! Look, everybody! There's our guy! Round of applause for Marcus! [APPLAUSE.]
Aw, damn, y'all! This is all for me? [SCOFFS.]
You bet your ass it's for you, Marcus.
Y'all be all right.
For real, though.
Pigeon heart? It's more like pidgin English.
Is it too late to get my cookie money back? Stop that! He's right in front of you.
Marcus, I want you to eat up, buddy.
Put some meat on those bones.
Anything you want, free of charge.
- Within reason, kid.
- Come on.
I'll take a white star, man.
- Non-denominational star.
- You bet your ass he is.
WOMAN: $1,746 TOGETHER: $1,747 and $1,748! - You kidding me? - That's it! - That is outstanding! - See? I told you! That's a 200% increase on Quinn's seed money, and that's even after my cut.
- Your what? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have misspoke.
What I meant to say was "after my cut"! These blowouts don't pay for themselves, you know.
- Real nice.
Real nice.
- 1 2 All right, tell the pigeon kid I said good luck.
You know what? We should quit our jobs and just do bake sales.
I'll say.
That's a lot of "dough.
" Come on, Steven.
- Steven.
- [SIGHS.]
Congrats, guys.
Job well done.
Yeah, you, too, Steven.
Thanks for your help, bud.
ABBEY: Yeah, the cupcakes were great.
Hey, yo, Marcus.
14 hundo, dawg.
Don't spend it all in one place.
Actually, definitely spend it in one place - All on the heart transplant, okay? - Yo, Mr.
, that was dope as hell of all the teachers.
Well, yeah.
But the doctor says my surgery costs 15 G's.
15 G's? And my mom already sold all her stuff.
God damn, Marcus.
Give me that money back right now, Marcus.
What? - Give it back! - No! Marcus, there will be plenty more where this came from, okay? - I don't want you worrying - [COUGHS.]
I don't want you worrying your little bird-sized heart about money anymore That's not for you.
That's for adults with regular-sized hearts.
Your job is to be a teenager.
You just go out there, and you keeping YOLO-ing.
Yeah, that'd be really cool.
Get out there, son.
- Sorry.
Dangerous Danishes.
I must have had five or six.
Okay, so it turns out $1,400 doesn't buy a heart transplant in this shit town anymore.
- We need 15,000 bucks.
- What?! - What? - The crooks! - It's this new Denver.
We got to turn this $1,400 into $15,000 somehow.
Okay, well, Loren, I appreciate your bond with Marcus and your situational altruism, but we've made a significant contribution.
I mean, our bake sale got them 10% of the way there.
Hey, maybe you haven't been paying attention, Steven, but for Marcus, 10% of the goal means 100% - [STEADY BEEP.]
- Oh, yeah.
That's you again.
Oh, God! It is! Ugh! [BEEPING STOPS.]
Tampa again.
Prenatal yoga now.
I don't even know how she's gonna do it.
Her pelvic floor is decimated! Now, who here has the balls to help me fundraise before Steven literally kills Marcus? Okay, I hesitate to bring this up, but when I was at Choate, we had charity auctions, and they were quite effective.
I think, if we did something simple and understated Black-tie gala! I love that! I love that idea! - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! - Okay.
Steven is right! Steven is right! You have to spend money to make money! No, no, no.
That's not what I'm talking about.
- But we go big with this thing.
- Love that idea.
Calm down.
On top of that, we can donate items, and it would be great to have an excuse to get dressed up around here.
Oh, I know exactly what I'm wearing! Okay, you know, we got to keep in mind, we only have a budget of $1,400.
- Right.
- I know it's a long shot, but I'm willing to bet that's what old Mike and Barb Peterson thought, too.
Hello? Winner of last year's Burt Crandall's "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest! No one here knows who I'm talking about? No one? Quinn is right.
That was a long shot.
And after all, you guys, what is the real meaning of Christmas? - Kill or be killed! - Grip it and rip it.
- Close.
- You burn it to the ground That is not the meaning of Christmas, guys.
And you make them beg for mercy! Well, I'll tell you what This might just end up turning into a Smoot Christmas Miracle! - Yes! - Okay, Abbey.
Sorry, a Smoot Holiday Coincidence.
STEVEN: Wow, I have to say, you guys pulled off an incredible transformation.
Well, you were wrong to doubt us, Steven.
You know, we may not be some fancy boarding school, but when we want to, we can just straight-up shit class.
Ooh! Pizza rolls.
- Ooh! - Yes.
Well, I know the students helped out, but how'd you get so many things donated? I mean, the champagne, the catering, the ice sculpture People donate anything for the right price.
Plus, Quinn gave everyone access to the Smoot credit card, so we're good.
You think that we may have gone over budget a bit? - Seriously, chill out.
- Don't worry.
Come on! - Enjoy the night! - All right! [LAUGHS.]
- He's so uptight.
- What a stick in the mud.
When have we ever blown anything? Oh! Glad I made it! Oh, wow! Look at this place! [CHUCKLES.]
Shoemaker, chips and salsa? What, do you think this is Your son's T-ball game? This is New York City salsa.
- New York City?! - New York City?! It's artisanal.
It's from Brooklyn.
Okay, I hope your auction item is a bit more upscale, Shoemaker.
In case you haven't noticed, this is a high-end event.
- Dealin' Dave is here.
- Yeah.
What?! The used car baron? I've gone to prison twice.
Now, I don't know if that gets in the way of trying to get a car - Excuse me.
- Okay.
Oh, man! I'm sorry.
I-I've just been so just caught up with this baby thing.
I-I haven't had time to do anything.
- Typical right-wing bullshit.
- Mm-hmm.
More concerned about the welfare of an unborn child than the dying child right here in front of us.
Get it together before the auction, Shoemaker.
- You're a monster.
- These are really good.
Have you tried the lamb meatballs? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
That's on.
Okay! Here we go, folks.
Welcome, everyone, to An Evening for Marcus.
We're gonna have some fun tonight.
Oh! Let's rip it wide open.
Here we go.
Our first item up for bid was donated by Smoot High School's very own Abbey Logan.
Abbey, get out here! What Abbey has donated This is neat.
It's a "Library Ride Along" experience.
So you'd spend the day amidst the thrilling sights and sounds of the Smoot Library.
Let's open up the floor for bidding.
Let's start at, uh, $4.
Anyone? MAN: $800! - Sold! - [CHUCKLES.]
See? It's me! Danny Trebin! Hello, faculty member Dan Trebin! No.
We have two spectacular Terrestrial Seasonings gift baskets! Coach Fairbell has, uh, donated some of his favorites from his collection of rare and unusual toys.
A day of free I.
help! Mr.
Payton is offering a producer's credit on Marcus' upcoming rap album, which is features on and also produces.
Mm! Yo, this track is called "Fucket List.
" Okay, Marcus.
'Cause I'm a motherfucking pigeon heart - Uh-oh! Dangerous.
- Drop top won't stop - Oh.
- Kill a cop, hip-hop - I need some space.
- Motherfucking pigeon heart - Here we go! - I never miss a shot - Element of hip-hop! - Sup, motherfucker? - Bodies pilin' up - Turn that off.
- Pucker up and kiss your ass goodbye - Freak beats! - There we go.
It's off! - Freak beats! - And it's off! - Ohh.
We're wiping hard drives.
We're stocking fun people.
Getting rid of Hydra and saying hi to old friends.
We're hacking Twitter accounts.
Getting Twitter accounts and posting some coupons.
We are gonna buy cars with other people's credit cards.
- Buy cars.
It's good to buys cars.
- Many Ferraris.
Anybody, $85? $90? $90.
Anybody going to $95? $95! [CALLING.]
Identity theft - I'm good at that.
- You can get identity You can prevent someone from getting your identity.
- She's willing - You can take someone's identity.
- Sold! - [APPLAUSE.]
You're getting a hand-woven basket! Someone made this! $150! Folks, I think we're still not playing hardball yet! - Oh, my God! - No! - What is that?! - No! This is a Rocky Dennis doll! - Oh! - It's not for sale! I don't even know how he got in the box! - 1,200 bucks! - $1,200.
- Fantastic.
- No, wait! No, he's not for sale! Yes, he is! She just bought him! - No! He's mine! - No, he's not! - Leslie, get him! - That's my doll! Give me that, you freak! [CALLING.]
Anybody on the left side, on the right side? Going once, going twice! Hey, did your wife get those free from work, Sweens? Sold, $205! Oh, I'm not I'm not bidding.
I'm heckling.
If there's one thing that I've learned from the [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
From the story of the first Christmas, it's to go big or go home! So I will be auctioning off the right to name my unborn child! [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
How about $50? Okay.
Do we have $55? - $55! - Whoa! - Do I have $65? - There it is.
- $500! - What?! - $500, sold to Dealin' Dave! - Boom! Local celebrity! Located on Brighton Boulevard, Denver, Colorado.
- Just past the Coliseum.
- Hey.
We had a couple ideas in mind for a boy.
Agh! - [THUDS.]
Yeah, they only made 43 of these babies till the Parental Advisory Council took them off the market.
Apparently, kids were cuddling, and their faces were getting ripped up by the braces.
All right.
Can I just give it one more hug? Oh, don't you have some other weird shit at home to hug? Not like Rock! - All right.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- It's over $15,000! - Oh, my God! Yes! - Whoa! - Ha ha! - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- That's what I'm talking about! - Good job, man! - [LAUGHS.]
- MAN: What are we applauding? QUINN: It's the credit card company.
Did you people charge over 10 grand to throw this gala? - What? God.
- No.
Absolutely not.
I specifically said we had a budget of $1,400.
- Yeah.
- And that's exactly what I spent.
- I spent $1,400.
- Yeah, me, too.
That was $400.
That was $700.
Not $1,400 each.
- Ohh.
- Oh.
That's something we should have clarified prior to any of this.
We netted $5,000.
- God.
No! - [SIGHS.]
Wait a second.
$15,000 That is the exact grand prize amount for Burt Crandall's "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest! - What?! - What?! Wait.
Why didn't you tell us about the prize money before we did this auction? Well, because that's not what the contest is about, Abbey! Let's do it! Let's let it ride! Let's take this $5,000 and turn it into a beautiful twinkling strand of 15 large! - Yes! Yes! - We can do this! - We can do this! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? - You are betting Marcus' life on whether or not Burt Crandall - likes our Christmas lights or not? - Yeah.
I could not have said it better myself.
That is a horrible idea.
You know what, Steven? I'm tired of you and your war on Christmas.
- Hey! No, that's what it is.
- That's not fair.
- Yes, it is.
- Enough! If there's one thing I've learned from Jesus Christ, it's that one guy with 12 friends who don't ask any questions They can accomplish anything.
- Whoa, look at that.
- Look at Marcus.
LOREN: Look at the heart on this kid.
- Pigeon-sized, my ass.
- Mm.
Marcus, buddy, you don't have to clean up.
I just want to help.
Nobody ever done anything like this for me.
Well, I got some news for you We're not done yet, okay? So you just go out there and YOLO like I to'd-yo.
Suck the marrow out of every last day you have, bud.
YOLO, bud.
Y'all are crazy Crazy nice.
Well, we better get decorating.
This is gonna be a Smoot Holiday Coincidence! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, God! I got you, bud.
I got you.
God bless, y'all! All y'all.
37,000 lights.
Two backup generators.
100 wreaths.
That should be 200.
Looking good, Geoffrey.
Oh, thank you.
I tell you what When meteorologist Burt Crandall sees this, he will not be disappointed.
Oh! Sweens.
Rockin' the convertible in 47 degrees, huh? Bold choice.
Payton, when the sun comes out, the top goes down.
Listen, I was thinking about what you were saying, and, uh, perhaps I did overlook Marcus a bit, and it wouldn't be the holiday season if I didn't go a step further.
So you're gonna give him the car from "Stuart Little.
" Cool.
Ha, ha, very funny.
I was listening to that rap he was doing about his bucket list, and I was thinking I would take him for a spin in a classic Miata, you know? Let him feel the exhilaration of four cylinders.
Well, yeah.
Well, thanks for coming around, Sweens.
You know, in a different world, I could really see you and me being friends.
But these were the cards we were dealt, so, you know [FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Okay.
- Oh, my God! What the hell is this? This is an inclusive, non-denominational nativity scene.
No, it's not.
This is the nativity scene from the front window of an Old Navy.
I'm sorry if I don't want to participate in shoving a belief system down people's throats.
Okay, so you decided to put an American flag hijab on a wise man at the birth of what appears to be a Native American Jesus Christ.
- Yeah? Why not? - Oh, I don't know.
Let's start with a couple reasons here.
Oh, I'd love to hear them.
One, there wasn't a United States of America.
Two, there wasn't even an Islam! You know, they have a word in Japan for the experience of driving a Miata.
It's "Jinba Ittai," which means "the rider and the horse are one.
" Yeah.
No, that's a real sweet ride.
- Maybe I'll get one someday.
You know something, Marcus? We're in the safety of a parking lot.
How would like to take the wheel? Yo, for real? 'Cause I don't have a license, Mr.
Well, what's that one thing that Mr.
Payton always says? Don't talk to cops.
What? Does he really say that to you? Yeah.
Every day.
Call a lawyer first.
No, I meant YOLO.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he says that, too.
Well, Marcus take the wheel.
You don't think he believes in pussy power? I do not think that Joseph believes in pussy power! Joseph does! He And I don't recall there ever being "Coexist" bumper stickers on camels! Oh, so now you're bigoted against camels?! - Billy Shoemaker.
- Oh! Hey, Tampa.
What are you doing here? Oh, hey! I heard you sold our baby's name! No, no, no, no, no.
But just hear me out.
I auctioned the name.
He probably doesn't even remember.
- He was hammered.
- Oh, of course you were.
Oh! Thank you, Abbey.
I got to tell you, Fairbell.
I think we really got a shot with this.
You're not still upset about that stupid Rocky Dennis doll, are you? Hey! It wasn't a stupid doll, okay? He was number-one toy bud, and I sold him.
Look at this way, Fairbell If you're extra good this year, maybe Santa will bring you a new one, huh? Loren, I'm 52 years old.
I know how Santa works.
- You're 52 years old? - The news is here! - Burt Crandall! - Here's here! - Burt! Burt Crandall! - The news is here! - Burt! - Oh, my God! Hi, trusted meteorologist Burt Crandall.
This is an absolute pleasure.
I am Principal Geoffrey Quinn.
Let me know if I can get you anything Eggnog, maybe some gingerbread cookies.
I'd love a bourbon poured over another bourbon.
Crandall, I wanted to let you know, this entire display is dedicated to a very special young man named Marcus who needs a transplant for his pigeon heart.
They're giving a kid a pigeon's heart? No, no, no, no, no.
He has a very small heart that we call a pigeon heart, but he needs an actual human-sized Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
I get it.
All right.
You three, scram.
- Santa, stay.
- Okay.
- Fred, I need my mic.
- I'm not Fred.
Yo! Mr.
Sweens, hey, those Japanese fools know what they're talking about.
Well, just wait until you discover green teas.
Hoo! It's getting cold.
You know something? I'm gonna give you this.
Oh, for real? Oh, yeah.
Oh, man! All right, Marcus.
- See you later.
- Oh, yo, Mr.
Sweens - YOLO, Marcus! YOLO.
Thanks, Mr.
- That's all I was saying! - That's all we wanted! I know, but I just feel like you were pushing me, and [CLEARING THROAT.]
- And we're rolling.
Hey, hey, hey.
Burt Crandall, live at Smoot High, where this year's display carries a special message The hope of a heart transplant for a young student named Marcus.
Principal Quail, let's see those lights.
Here we go.
3 2 1.
- Whoo! - Whoa! - [CHUCKLING.]
Wow! - God.
- Oh! - Wow! - Look at that! - Oh! - That's so beautiful! - Ohhh! - Billy! Billy! My water broke! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, okay! Oh, my God.
Everybody stay calm! - Why don't you sit down? - I'm a former doula! Oh, my God! Is there a doctor? - Okay.
- Someone call a doctor! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my.
That's fantastic! Y-Yeah! Yeah.
- You're poppin' out a baby.
- Yeah.
These are actors or real people? They are adult educators.
Well, they're teaching me how to be human.
You don't know what you're doing! - I just really - You're gonna push.
- No, don't push! - You're gonna push! - Oh, my God! - You're gonna push! That birth looks so realistic! It looks real.
I mean Yeah, the entire scene is very accurate.
It's great.
I mean, it's like nativity on steroids.
You know, guys, I know I've been a skeptic, but, tonight, Smoot really made me believe in something again.
All right, guys.
Let's clear out.
I got a report to do.
Folks, in my 23 years of holiday reporting, this display takes the cake.
- From the gorgeous lights to the amniotic fluid in the manger, spot-on.
It reminds us all that holiday truly is the season of coincidences.
BILLY: Holy Jesus! I'm Burt Crandall.
MARCUS: Yo! See you later, Sucktown! - [TIRES SCREECH.]
- Oh, what was that? - Oh, wow.
- My Miata! Wait, my keys They were in the jacket.
The keys were in the jacket! Marcus stole my Miata! The pigeon kid from the sign? No way.
What is this pigeon thing that keeps coming up? That is clearly a misunderstanding.
See? See? This is him texting me right now.
It says "YOLD.
" - What does "YOLD" mean? - I don't know! - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, wait.
There's another one.
- "YOKE"? - Eggs.
Yeah, maybe he's out getting eggs or something.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.
- That was my bad.
I had that coming.
- Get out of the way! [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, no, here's another one.
"YOYO"? He's racing to buy yo-yos.
- Oh! - It's Christmas.
You think he's out buying yo-yos? - It's a classic gift.
- He could be buying yo Oh, here's another one.
This is longer.
"Damn autocorrect got me thinking 'bout switchin' to Samsung, for real though.
" - Okay.
- Oh, my God, what is that? - Oh, God.
- Okay.
He shouldn't be texting and driving.
He should keep his eyes on the road! [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Oh! YOLO! TOGETHER: Oh! That's what he's trying to text.
Makes a lot of sense.
- I always encourage him to YOLO.
- Yes.
And the texts just abruptly stopped, so he's fine.
What? I'm just getting word of a horrific car crash.
- Oh, no.
- Involving a Mini.
- Oh, thank God.
- Scratch that a Miata.
- Ohh! - Oh, snap, bro.
Damn it! It's a girl! It's a baby girl! Ah! Oh! Ohh! I wish it was a boy.
- All right, I've got some information.
- Okay.
The good news is Marcus is okay.
- Yes! - All right.
- Oh, that's great! - That is great news.
The bad news is he was speeding and texting, jumped a curb, and ended up killing a pedestrian.
- Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
- That is bad news.
But the good news is the pedestrian was an organ donor and an exact match for his heart transplant.
- That's pretty good news.
- That's really good.
But the bad news is, Marcus is going to jail without question for quite a long time.
He was, uh, not cooperating with the police.
That's pretty bad news.
But the good news is the state now has to pay for his operation.
- That's pretty good news.
Oh, and, also, the pedestrian he hit was our lunch lady, Sandy.
I didn't know if that was like a good news or a bad news kind of thing.
She was the only one who ever listened to me.
LOREN: That woman was as cold as the food she served.
It's like, "Give me another scoop.
It's not your money, Sandy.
" Yeah.
- It's like, "Get over yourself.
" - Right.
Anyways, we've got the prize money, so we could put that towards Marcus' legal defense I feel like we've done enough for Marcus.
- Yeah.
- Fairbell, here you are.
Hey, I sold that creepy little doll of yours for 10 grand online! Is that fantastic? So I got you this.
A little thank-you gift.
- Oh, God.
- Don't you like it? Like it? [CHUCKLING.]
I love it! - All right! - Cuddle bud! Get it away from me! Get it away! Get it away! - Fairbell.
Fairbell! - No! No! Get that away from Tammy! Get [DOOR OPENS.]
TOGETHER: Aww! I wanted to introduce you to the newest member of the Shoemaker family.
That's little baby Dealin' Dave Chrysler-Jeep-Kia.
And I want to thank you, Abbey, for all your help.
This truly is the greatest Christmas gift of them all.
The greatest holiday gift of all.
Thank you.
Great! I'm being sued.
They don't consider the car stolen because I actually gave Marcus the keys.
Well, that's why I keep saying YOLO, Steven.
You know, you only live once, so it's important to do so very carefully.
ANCHOR: Coming up, Smoot High back in the cross hairs as a guidance counselor puts a 15-year-old behind the wheel of a candy apple red soft-top street missile, taking the life of a beloved lunch lady.
All this on the same night they win what will now be the final edition of Burt Crandall's "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest.
Was it your child driving the car? Find out after the break.
- TOGETHER: Aww! Oh, oh! This truly is - [CRYING CONTINUES.]
A Smoot Holiday Coincidence.